Am I being an immature procrastinator?

December 9, 2014 9:48 AM

After being very ambitious in my 20s, my priorities have shifted. In short, I don't want to work full time. Am I being immature or is this a solid, valid choice of lifestyle?

I am trying to make decisions about my professional future, and my options right now are:

a) Go back to school. I am interested in Optometry but not passionate. I have an engineering degree and I have already completed all the required coursework to enter an Optometry program (anatomy, etc.) with pretty good grades. I only need to take the GRE. What stops me from following this path is that the school debt would tie me down to only being able to work as an optometrist for the rest of my professional life. Full time. The nice thing about this option is the nice income I could save up for an early retirement. After taking care of student debt.

b) continue at my full time job, where I am not making $$$ but it's pretty laid back.

c) *Fantasy Option*

- I work a few hours a week as a court interpreter (I am working on this certification and expect to do well in the examinations). The money is pretty good. I already have contacts here and I do have interpreter certifications (just not Court)
- I work part time at my husband's business
- I have free time to do all the things I want to do, take all the classes I want to take and play with my cat

I feel quite guilty about even considering option C, because it feels like I would be going against the flow and against people's expectations for me to do well and make tons of money. But the truth is my husband and I live cheaply. Even now in my non-profit salary and his income we can afford to travel for several weeks a year because we have very few expenses during the year. My only limiting factor is time.

At the same time, I feel like out of 24 hours, I spend 8 sleeping, 8 working, 3 getting ready for work and commuting, 1.5 at the gym, and 1.5 doing housework and running errands. This leaves 2 measly hours for me to actually share with my husband. I feel like I'm missing out on my favorite place (my home), my favorite company (my husband, chickens, cats and friends) and if I cut full time employment from my life and work with my husband then we will get to spend more time together. As a side note we work very well together.

My husband agrees with me that option C would make us happiest. Our friends do, too. I even mentioned it to our parents and they seem to think it is a good idea, mostly because they are afraid of me being a slave to student debt, and they feel my time would be of better use in my own projects rather than at my current job.

So now I would like to know what sensible adults think.

posted by Tarumba to Work & Money (30 answers total)

I vote for C.

That's what I am kind of doing with my own personal mish mash of work. It means I can't spend a ton of money and I need to budget- but my life is so so so much happier than it was when I was at a high pressure full time job.
posted by catspajammies at 9:52 AM on December 9, 2014 [6 favorites]

How would it work out for retirement savings? or in the unlikely event that you and husband choose to separate/divorce, or husband can no longer work due to illness?
posted by discopolo at 9:54 AM on December 9, 2014 [7 favorites]

Do what you want. If I could have the life you describe I'd jump at it. You only get one life. Make it the best life you can make it.

You can always change your mind if it's not working out.

I'm highly ambitious myself and I often dream of a life where I don't have to work my high stress job. I consider myself a fairly sensibile adult and I say go for it. You do you.
posted by sockermom at 9:55 AM on December 9, 2014

For heaven's sake don't do A! I see no reason not to do C, if not right now then maybe after a couple of years of B, in combination with dialing back your lifestyle and saving all the excess money.

The only drawback I see is that this makes you very dependent on your husband, which can be stressful for both of you, even if you have a strong marriage and don't want to divorce - what if *he* someday wants to make a similar kind of change? What if he loses his job?
posted by mskyle at 9:55 AM on December 9, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm working on getting to C every day. I've never understood why we are expected to work *all the time* until we stop working altogether. I'm shooting for "work less on a daily basis but never stop".
posted by kris.reiss at 9:55 AM on December 9, 2014 [5 favorites]

I don't know why you would want to do anything other than what makes you happy. This is your life. You get to do what you want!
posted by chevyvan at 9:56 AM on December 9, 2014

(Or if husband's business faces catastrophe and is destroyed?) not to be a Debbie Downer, but just some thoughts.

(And you're not being immature or a procrastinator)
posted by discopolo at 9:56 AM on December 9, 2014

If you pick option C, you can't go back. To be blunt, an engineer that is out of the workforce for more than a couple years is unemployable in that field. The problem with such fantasy options is that they sound great for a few years, but if you want to do something else, suddenly you are a minimally qualified worker that's behind the times. This has nothing to do with "maturity" (which you should correctly ignore) and has everything to do with the reality that people need to make money to exist in this world.

If you pick option C, you need to have a plan for retirement, a plan for what happens when/if you separate from your husband, and a plan for a disabling injury. If you can manage that, you can pick option C. However, in my experience, very few people are able to do that.
posted by saeculorum at 9:56 AM on December 9, 2014 [20 favorites]

Optometry is full-time but it's not like you take your work home with you. If you don't have kids or a second job, 40 hours leaves plenty of time for hobbies and personal development. Financial security is nothing to scoff at. What if your husband's business suffers a setback? What if he gets sick?

My own experience informs my response, of course, but part-time interpreter and husband-helper is not a strong resume, should you ever need a strong resume, which at some point in your life you probably will.
posted by headnsouth at 9:57 AM on December 9, 2014 [2 favorites]

Oh as an aside: is the job you'd do with your husband giving you transferable skills? What if the "god forbid" happens and his business goes belly up or he wants a divorce or you lose him in an accident?

This is a horrible thing to consider but I am a huge fan of always having a solid backup plan. Sounds like you have options, but work them out for yourself so you know what you will do in the face of a huge crisis.
posted by sockermom at 9:57 AM on December 9, 2014 [4 favorites]

I just dropped a 40 hr/wk job for a 24 hr/wk job and I am so so so happy. But I am also saving for retirement and making enough money to enjoy all the free time I have. Make sure you're not dooming your future by enjoying your present. I don't think you need to work until you die just in case your husband loses his income, but put some thought into potential problems.

One option would be to get a higher-paying engineering job, work for a few years, and retire early. Under no circumstances go back to school for something you're barely even interested in when you already have a reasonably lucrative degree.
posted by chaiminda at 10:20 AM on December 9, 2014 [5 favorites]

I'm curious if you guys could move closer to your current job. From what you've said here, it sounds like you commute 90 minutes each way (!!). To me, that is a crazy terrible commute and I think would make anyone miserable and wanting to quit work. I wonder whether either moving closer or finding a new, full-time job that's closer to where you currently live would be at all possible? I might at least TRY that first and see how it makes you feel. If you could cut your commute down to 30 minutes each way, that would give you an extra ten hours a week for free time/family time.

I'm also curious what the potential job opportunities are for the court interpreter position. You said in your fantasy life, you'd do this a few hours a week, but if push came to shove, would it be possible to up this job to something more full time? If so, I think this would give you somewhat of a cushion from the various issues folks above have mentioned (husband's business slows down, you guys split up, health problems, etc. etc.). Especially since you say you're not making (and depending/budgeting) on a huge salary now, this seems like it could be a reasonable back-up plan -- try out the fantasy life, but if money is too tight, up your court interpreter hours. But, you would know better than me whether that is realistic for that particular job.
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:20 AM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

Why not do C until that no longer works for you for whatever reason, and then do A if you still want to become an optometrist?

FWIW the thing that most gives me pause about C is to what extent you will be relying on part time income from your husband's business, since it seems to me that there's a lot that could go wrong there. (What if you guys split up, what if it turns out you don't work well together, what if business isn't going well, will people undervalue your contributions because "you're just the boss' wife stuck on our payroll out of nepotism", etc)

I would not worry about other people's expectations, but I would be prepared for all the pitfalls that can come with piecing together your income from various sources, depending on freelance contacts, and having a large portion of your income from the family business.
posted by Sara C. at 10:24 AM on December 9, 2014 [3 favorites]

Carpe Diem.
Go with option C.
posted by Flood at 10:26 AM on December 9, 2014

Also, anecdata: my mom used the fact that my stepdad's business was booming to "retire" early from her career. That turned out to be a really bad idea for a lot of reasons, which I won't go into here because I'm not anonymous and it's not my story to tell. Just be aware that being able to afford to work less might not always be an option for you, and it sucks to be used to a certain lifestyle and then find yourself blasted back into reality.
posted by Sara C. at 10:30 AM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

Go with C, making sure to cover your ass with some sort of retirement savings till happening & a fall back position in mind just in case the worst happens (divorce, husbands business goes bad etc). I think working part time to keep your hand in at a job that could go full time in emergencies like court interpreter or interpreter in general is a good idea.
posted by wwax at 10:32 AM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

I would think long and hard about your lifestyle expectations and financial goals before choosing option C. However, helping your husband's business might save a lot on his expenses.

At the very lease, you may want to consider option C for a year as a sabbatical while you reevaluate your goals.
posted by deanc at 10:32 AM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thank you for your opinions, this is exactly what I needed.

My husband thankfully works from home doing something he loves and is passionate about and that's why we are focusing on finding my bliss since he already found his. We also have plans for another unrelated business that does not require insane hours and could potentially become the equivalent of a non profit salary in the near future. I want to take some classes to do the accounting part of our businesses (I'm pretty good at that sort of thing) and I think that would help me keep a competitive-ish resume.

I do see what you are saying with retirement, etc. We are very responsible about that and after our minimal expenses we contribute to a retirement account religiously. My full time job also offers great benefits in this area.

I could work aggressively as a court interpreter (like almost full time) and then transition into a more laid back schedule as time passes. Maybe this would make me not so dependent on my husband's business or our marriage?

I think what we want is to live as a not-illegal and actually-successful version of Del Boy. This is a joke but in a way it is true. We want to have several small non-intrusive and fun to develop sources of income. A couple of them are already in place (his business, my non-court interpreter side jobs, the second business we are starting).

And eventually we want to build our own cob house. This is not relevant to my professional plans but I can't not say it because we're very excited about it.
posted by Tarumba at 11:01 AM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

There are 2 or 3 questions/resources that I will point out, but I think C would be great for a year or so, or even more after you evaluate it.

• For a resource, this is not any type of definitive source, but I think the blog Mr. Money Mustache might be useful for you. The person who writes the blog did retire with his wife in his early 30s. If you go through his blog, he didn't earn millions of dollars, but he cut back in many aspects of his life (ie, transportation costs, etc.). He was also an engineer. But his site might be useful because he has actually done this and thought through many of the things that one would need to think about (ie, health, housing, retirement money) - I think a community of people who have done this/trying to do this would be more useful for you.

• Have you worked with your husband before? Several times I have observed (myself and others) people trying to hire a friend/loved one/partner to do work on their business. It can end catastrophically because for person A (business owner) it is an emotional thing (this is their livelihood and reputation). For person B it is a job. So if you have not done so, I would try working a few hours a week now and ask: Can you do this? Do you both feel okay with this? Both of you should assess it honestly at the end of the trial.

• I do not think that you will be making yourself unemployable because you will be developing a new skill set. What I would do, however, is assess what type of market is out there (ie, I have met and worked with interpreters - many work full time and work in different settings). But if I were in your shoes, I would talk to various interpreters or organizations to know what the market is. I would bet that you could specialize (ie, interpreter for engineering corporations and topics). Since you are already starting to think out of the box, if you could find a way to market a product that you create (vs. a service), your money will no longer be limited by working X/hours.
posted by Wolfster at 11:06 AM on December 9, 2014

I think you might like Making a Living Without a Job - the author writes about creating lots of small and interesting sources of income that add up to a living, without, as the title says, having a job.

I vote C, you can go do optometry later if it all goes pear shaped.
posted by AnnaRat at 12:15 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

You are not being immature for choosing C, as long as you have a backup plan (full time interpreter, maybe?) that will STILL be valid after you've checked out of engineering for a while.

FWIW, I do not work - I am a stay at home wife - and I LOVE it. But I do keep insurance contacts up to date, and property/casualty insurance is one industry that I've seen people pop in and out of.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 12:25 PM on December 9, 2014

I'm a generally sensible and previously quite ambitious adult currently living a version of Option C after sticking with Option B for longer than I would've liked. Report: I am not rolling in dough. I do wish I made more money so I could afford to do fun things like eat fresh seafood and go on big trips. But I also spend a lot less time feeling like I'm wasting my life, which, you know, is a nice change.

Bear in mind that even being able to choose Option C is a privilege many people are not in a position to take advantage of. I think most people would stick with Option B because there really is no other option for them in order to stay afloat. I'm not telling you this because you should feel guilty, but because you should feel lucky. Not only can you afford it, but you seem to have a clear plan of how it can work. I'm of the mind that if you find yourself in that position and want to take the leap, do it. If things don't work out, deal with that when it happens.
posted by wondermouse at 12:25 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

YES. DO IT. RUN FREE. Damn the consequences and the expectations.

This is wonderful, you are listening to yourself. Don't for a second go off and become an unhappy optometrist. It'll all work out FINE.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 12:41 PM on December 9, 2014

Another vote for CCCCCCCCCCCC.

I've done it and I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER. Yes, I travel less than I used to, but I also no longer need to get away from my awful job and dreary life once a month. SO. MUCH. HAPPIER.

(Caveat, I'm in the lucky position where I don't much need to worry about retirement. I'm not saving a dime at the moment.)
posted by ClarissaWAM at 1:02 PM on December 9, 2014

Seems to me like someone with strong interpreter skills will always have employment opportunities, should the need arise, regardless of one's work history. Life is short, pick C.
posted by storminator7 at 1:33 PM on December 9, 2014

It sounds like you are responsible enough to make the fantasy option work. Do it! If you can swing it, why not?

I left a stable job for the freewheeling freelance life a few years ago. It's been hard work to get it to feel stable, and I'm still not saving as much as I hope to in the next year or two, but it's great. I feel that I've sacrificed some amount of future accumulated savings in order to be doing something that is genuinely fulfilling while I'm working. I'm at peace with the tradeoff.
posted by ohisee at 1:41 PM on December 9, 2014

I just did C, working 3 days a week. It's heaven. It's amazing how not guilty I feel after all the consternation I went through prior to taking the leap. Since you can afford it and have your husband's support, OMG do it!!! You may want to study for the GRE here and there, just in case you change your mind. I enjoyed studying for the GRE, I learned a lot.
posted by waving at 2:05 PM on December 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'm 41 and went back to working full time for the first time in almost a decade last March. I'd been working part-time long enough that I was beginning to entertain the notion of trying to stretch it out for the rest of my working life. For a few reasons I decided to take a FT position when it was offered to me (money and the somewhat chaotic nature of my PT schedule, mostly), but I'd happily go back to PT if my circumstances changed.

> I feel quite guilty about even considering option C, because it feels like I would be going against the flow and against people's expectations for me to do well and make tons of money.

Sounds to me like you're both doing pretty well. One of the easiest ways to be unhappy is to live your life according to other peoples' expectations.
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:54 PM on December 9, 2014

I'm in much of the same boat as you, and I've recently decided to go with option C. You appear to be well-poised to make it your option too, and so my suggestion is to go with it. The logistics are challenging and there's certainly regression in how I feel about the decision sometimes, but I've found it's been really rewarding so far -- I feel like I'm finally being true to myself and doing what I want -- not what other people or 'society' wants.

I feel quite guilty about even considering option C, because it feels like I would be going against the flow and against people's expectations for me to do well and make tons of money.

That guilt is something I still struggle with too. For me the guilt was rooted in a feeling that what I was doing wasn't viewed as 'real work' because it doesn't require me to work long hours, commute anywhere, change out of my pjs or any of the other (usually) awful things associated with 9-5s. Essentially, it wasn't 'real work' unless I was miserable at a 9-5 like everyone else. The guilt hung around because it seemed like I had this rare fortune/luck to escape the 9-5 and everyone else was still stuck working for the machine.

But here's the thing...It's not fortune or luck. Whatever talent you have that allows you to have an option C to begin with was shaped and cultivated through your education and practice of it -- your work. And being able to do that successfully for a living will require continued work -- just not the miserable 9-5 sort of work everyone thinks you should be doing (although it probably will be at times). Just because it's fulfilling or enjoyable, doesn't mean it's not work. Also, people like and want different things out of life. Some people feel retirement and the American dream are alive and well and thus goals to obtain (and worth working a 'real job' for). Some people don't (such as myself). For me, I feel as though I'm making a trade-off. I work less, the work is more enjoyable and yet I anticipate I'll have to do it my entire life. The alternative is a 'real job' working tirelessly until 60 (or older), whereupon I had better hope that no major emergencies pop up (seems unlikely over the course of 30ish years of working) to impact my savings for retirement. What was incredibly eye-opening for me was when I realized I don't know a single retired person -- everyone (of retirement age) I know still has to work just as hard now as they did when they were my age.

So the guilt, for me at least, started to dissipate when I realized that I am doing real work. That just because everyone is seemingly miserable with their jobs, doesn't mean all jobs are miserable. That I made sacrifices in my lifestyle that other people are also free to make as well (Buy used, replace only when broken, etc.). And that part of choosing an 'option c' is acknowledging that your path challenges the 'work-until-retirement ethic' many people have internalized at this point.
posted by stubbehtail at 5:01 PM on December 9, 2014

It sounds like you don"t have children. Are you sure there are none in your future? Kids would. change your calculations a lot, I think.
posted by islandeady at 5:41 PM on December 11, 2014