How should a person be?
November 11, 2014 1:16 PM Subscribe
Describe a person that you met who made you go "I want to be like that!"
And what do you do if you have a moderately unlikable personality? (i.e. you are not like that!, and you perpetually feel like you ought to be more like that! but you just can't make it happen.)
This is a two-part question.
Question 1
Self help & character building is supposed to be a good thing. So what is the goal of how to be? Like if you've ever met a person that made you go: I wish I was like that, what was it about that person? What are your personal experiences of exceptional people, and your ideas in general of what the endgame is for character building and self-growth.
I work with a woman who is polite, understated, chooses her words well, friendly, smart, warm, welcoming, has emotional intelligence and is sooo nice. Everyone loves her and when she comes back from vacation, a crowd of people will come over to see her and people from other floors stop by. It's an event. I respect her point of view quite a bit and have learned a lot from talking with and observing her over the years. I wish I was more like her!
Question 2
What to do if you don't like your personality? I really don't. I am too loud, too opinionated, too energetic, too expressive. I don't feel particularly likeable as I am. (I suppose it doesn't help that I work in a fairly conservative industry.) I have the faults of being quick to feel angry, I can be moody and I ought to bite my tongue more. I try to stuff it in and act like the people I admire but my real self pops out with enough frequency that I think people get the drift. I suspect a number of people just put up with me. My family of origin clearly just tolerated me, but never really liked who I was. I've done a lot of self-help & therapy and this is the final result. My boyfriend likes my personality, he thinks I brighten things up. But I perpetually feel like I ought to be someway else.
I may be confusing moral character with personal character. I put a lot of effort to be a moral person and I am ok with those choices. I also may be judging harshly what are common human failings. Even the woman in my work example has her own "stuff." And I may just be thinking that there is truly one way to be, when there isn't a perfect personality out there.
So how do you make peace with having a personal character that you don't really like?
Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
This is a two-part question.
Question 1
Self help & character building is supposed to be a good thing. So what is the goal of how to be? Like if you've ever met a person that made you go: I wish I was like that, what was it about that person? What are your personal experiences of exceptional people, and your ideas in general of what the endgame is for character building and self-growth.
I work with a woman who is polite, understated, chooses her words well, friendly, smart, warm, welcoming, has emotional intelligence and is sooo nice. Everyone loves her and when she comes back from vacation, a crowd of people will come over to see her and people from other floors stop by. It's an event. I respect her point of view quite a bit and have learned a lot from talking with and observing her over the years. I wish I was more like her!
Question 2
What to do if you don't like your personality? I really don't. I am too loud, too opinionated, too energetic, too expressive. I don't feel particularly likeable as I am. (I suppose it doesn't help that I work in a fairly conservative industry.) I have the faults of being quick to feel angry, I can be moody and I ought to bite my tongue more. I try to stuff it in and act like the people I admire but my real self pops out with enough frequency that I think people get the drift. I suspect a number of people just put up with me. My family of origin clearly just tolerated me, but never really liked who I was. I've done a lot of self-help & therapy and this is the final result. My boyfriend likes my personality, he thinks I brighten things up. But I perpetually feel like I ought to be someway else.
I may be confusing moral character with personal character. I put a lot of effort to be a moral person and I am ok with those choices. I also may be judging harshly what are common human failings. Even the woman in my work example has her own "stuff." And I may just be thinking that there is truly one way to be, when there isn't a perfect personality out there.
So how do you make peace with having a personal character that you don't really like?
Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
I was just coming off a freelance gig where the vibe in the office was really bad. Lots of backbiting and throwing everybody under the bus. Even when nothing specifically bad happened, it never felt like a good place to be.
My next gig was not only a world of difference, but educational in a "this is the kind of person I want to be" sense. Because the folks heading up that office were kind. Nobody stayed later than they needed to. Nobody played the martyr. If something went wrong, we fixed it together rather than scapegoating. There was never a "weakest link" around the office. And it wasn't because that was an easier job. It's just because everybody behaved in good faith and tried to be generous with each other.
After working with those folks (and there was one or two specific individuals who fostered that atmosphere in the office), I've always tried to remember that a lot of to the time, the decision to be kind to the people around you can make all the difference. If only because everyone isn't always having to watch their back.
posted by Sara C. at 1:39 PM on November 11, 2014 [25 favorites]
My next gig was not only a world of difference, but educational in a "this is the kind of person I want to be" sense. Because the folks heading up that office were kind. Nobody stayed later than they needed to. Nobody played the martyr. If something went wrong, we fixed it together rather than scapegoating. There was never a "weakest link" around the office. And it wasn't because that was an easier job. It's just because everybody behaved in good faith and tried to be generous with each other.
After working with those folks (and there was one or two specific individuals who fostered that atmosphere in the office), I've always tried to remember that a lot of to the time, the decision to be kind to the people around you can make all the difference. If only because everyone isn't always having to watch their back.
posted by Sara C. at 1:39 PM on November 11, 2014 [25 favorites]
Best answer: Heh, there's a recent novel called "How Should a Person Be?", and I read it because I also find this question really interesting. All I learned was that I didn't want to be like the main character in that book.
There's a bit in Eat, Pray, Love (it's only a few paragraphs out of the whole book) where Elizabeth Gilbert talks about how she's so loud and chatty all the time, and has always wished she could be a quiet, mysterious, dark-haired girl. So at an ashram in India she decides that she's going to take a vow of silence for a week, and she'll be so quiet, and people will admire her and ask "Who is that quiet girl?" Immediately after she decides this, the people at the ashram inform her that there's going to be a huge convention, with travelers from all over the world coming into the ashram, many of whom don't have a common language, and because of her bubbly personality, they've chosen her to be the main greeter! It's basically the worst possible thing that could happen for her plans to be the mysterious quiet girl, but she embraces it and is able to make all these jetlagged, confused people feel at home, because that's one of her gifts, and being the quiet girl is not.
But enough about books. Your list of things you don't like about your personality all sound like good things to me, and it bums me out a little that you feel like there's something about yourself that needs to be fixed. You don't sound unlikeable at all! I think it does take all kinds, and that like you say, there is no one way to be. I mean, don't be a jerk or anything, but certainly there are a range of acceptable personality types out there that are not "jerk."
I do think it's nice to have people like your coworker whose personality traits you can aspire to, but things like kindness and generosity are easier and better to acquire than something more value-neutral like loud/quiet or warm/aloof, even if you would rather be one way than the other.
In my case, I'm kind of socially awkward, which is a thing I don't love but also something I've accepted is probably not going to change very much. One thing that's helped me accept it is finding someone to look up to who has a similar basic personality to mine, but is kickass in other ways. There's a woman I work with who is also super awkward, but I didn't really realize it until I noticed that whenever there was a birthday party or baby shower or something she'd always be pouring the drinks and helping set up, which is a trick I also use so that I don't have to talk to people. (Which is not to say that all helpful people are awkward, but I could tell that she was doing it for the same reason I do it.) She talks too fast and laughs awkwardly and then scuttles around the sidelines avoiding people and looking weird. She also has a ton of experience in our field and lots of funny stories. At least at work, no one minds that she's awkward because she's capable as hell at what she does, and everyone goes to her for advice. I can't really fake being super smooth and comfortable in social situations, but I can aspire to get really good at what I do and earn people's respect that way. So I let myself skip social things, or if I go and spend the whole time scuttling around looking weird and making weird jokes that fall flat because some other awkward person already took over cookie serving duty, I forgive myself for it.
posted by sunset in snow country at 1:47 PM on November 11, 2014 [7 favorites]
There's a bit in Eat, Pray, Love (it's only a few paragraphs out of the whole book) where Elizabeth Gilbert talks about how she's so loud and chatty all the time, and has always wished she could be a quiet, mysterious, dark-haired girl. So at an ashram in India she decides that she's going to take a vow of silence for a week, and she'll be so quiet, and people will admire her and ask "Who is that quiet girl?" Immediately after she decides this, the people at the ashram inform her that there's going to be a huge convention, with travelers from all over the world coming into the ashram, many of whom don't have a common language, and because of her bubbly personality, they've chosen her to be the main greeter! It's basically the worst possible thing that could happen for her plans to be the mysterious quiet girl, but she embraces it and is able to make all these jetlagged, confused people feel at home, because that's one of her gifts, and being the quiet girl is not.
But enough about books. Your list of things you don't like about your personality all sound like good things to me, and it bums me out a little that you feel like there's something about yourself that needs to be fixed. You don't sound unlikeable at all! I think it does take all kinds, and that like you say, there is no one way to be. I mean, don't be a jerk or anything, but certainly there are a range of acceptable personality types out there that are not "jerk."
I do think it's nice to have people like your coworker whose personality traits you can aspire to, but things like kindness and generosity are easier and better to acquire than something more value-neutral like loud/quiet or warm/aloof, even if you would rather be one way than the other.
In my case, I'm kind of socially awkward, which is a thing I don't love but also something I've accepted is probably not going to change very much. One thing that's helped me accept it is finding someone to look up to who has a similar basic personality to mine, but is kickass in other ways. There's a woman I work with who is also super awkward, but I didn't really realize it until I noticed that whenever there was a birthday party or baby shower or something she'd always be pouring the drinks and helping set up, which is a trick I also use so that I don't have to talk to people. (Which is not to say that all helpful people are awkward, but I could tell that she was doing it for the same reason I do it.) She talks too fast and laughs awkwardly and then scuttles around the sidelines avoiding people and looking weird. She also has a ton of experience in our field and lots of funny stories. At least at work, no one minds that she's awkward because she's capable as hell at what she does, and everyone goes to her for advice. I can't really fake being super smooth and comfortable in social situations, but I can aspire to get really good at what I do and earn people's respect that way. So I let myself skip social things, or if I go and spend the whole time scuttling around looking weird and making weird jokes that fall flat because some other awkward person already took over cookie serving duty, I forgive myself for it.
posted by sunset in snow country at 1:47 PM on November 11, 2014 [7 favorites]
Sara C. invokes kindness—and I concur, it's one of the most important things to keep in mind as we aspire to be good humans around other beings. Be kind to yourself. Try metta practice.
Some of your self-criticism seems to be driven by your (perhaps overly harsh) assessment of your temperament. Boyfriend, who's close to the action, gives you a thumbs up for energy. Three cheers for you and for having a healthy romantic/domestic relationship!
One possible way to temper a personality that verges on the over-colorful, or loud, or judgmental, is to give responses some extra time. Sit on the impulses. Wait and speak last. This takes practice. Sometimes it may feel artificial.
posted by xaryts at 1:56 PM on November 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
Some of your self-criticism seems to be driven by your (perhaps overly harsh) assessment of your temperament. Boyfriend, who's close to the action, gives you a thumbs up for energy. Three cheers for you and for having a healthy romantic/domestic relationship!
One possible way to temper a personality that verges on the over-colorful, or loud, or judgmental, is to give responses some extra time. Sit on the impulses. Wait and speak last. This takes practice. Sometimes it may feel artificial.
posted by xaryts at 1:56 PM on November 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Hm, this question brings up a lot, I think. One thing to work on, I think, is self-confidence about some of the good parts of your personality...for example, I love bubbly, expressive people! And although maybe that's not always the personality to project at work (depending on your work environment -- in a sales environment it can be a huge asset), it's not a bad thing per se. As your boyfriend points out, people like you can really bring life to a room, make everything brighter and more exciting, and spark really awesome conversations.
I think one thing to work on, as others have mentioned, is kindness. It's not always clear from just a few descriptors, but "opinionated, quick to show anger, and need to bite my tongue more" imply to me that sometimes you snap at people, go to far in criticisms and/or make people feel bad. One thing to practice is when you're about to respond, give yourself a breath or two and ask yourself: "What's the kind response here? How can I give this person the benefit of the doubt?" Later, after you've reflected, you might determine that the other person really was at fault, and you need to have a follow-up conversation in which you address the issue (calmly, because you've had time to think and distance from the situation). But, in the moment, it doesn't hurt to be kind and generous to others.
Finally, I would put this in some perspective. It sounds like your personality is maybe not the best fit for your current workplace. That doesn't make it a BAD personality. There are a LOT of workplaces where your style of personality would probably be the most desired. This might lead you to consider a career shift to somewhere you 'fit' better. But on a more basic level, even if you stay where you are, it might help you forgive yourself to recognize that this isn't about "good" or "bad" in an objective sense, but rather just a not 100% match between your personality style and the specific workplace you happen to be in. It sounds like your significant other (and friends?) like you just fine. There are plenty of workplaces where my personality might not be the best fit, but that doesn't make me a bad person...everyone can't be a perfect fit for every job out there.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:58 PM on November 11, 2014 [7 favorites]
I think one thing to work on, as others have mentioned, is kindness. It's not always clear from just a few descriptors, but "opinionated, quick to show anger, and need to bite my tongue more" imply to me that sometimes you snap at people, go to far in criticisms and/or make people feel bad. One thing to practice is when you're about to respond, give yourself a breath or two and ask yourself: "What's the kind response here? How can I give this person the benefit of the doubt?" Later, after you've reflected, you might determine that the other person really was at fault, and you need to have a follow-up conversation in which you address the issue (calmly, because you've had time to think and distance from the situation). But, in the moment, it doesn't hurt to be kind and generous to others.
Finally, I would put this in some perspective. It sounds like your personality is maybe not the best fit for your current workplace. That doesn't make it a BAD personality. There are a LOT of workplaces where your style of personality would probably be the most desired. This might lead you to consider a career shift to somewhere you 'fit' better. But on a more basic level, even if you stay where you are, it might help you forgive yourself to recognize that this isn't about "good" or "bad" in an objective sense, but rather just a not 100% match between your personality style and the specific workplace you happen to be in. It sounds like your significant other (and friends?) like you just fine. There are plenty of workplaces where my personality might not be the best fit, but that doesn't make me a bad person...everyone can't be a perfect fit for every job out there.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:58 PM on November 11, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: serenity soonish: "What to do if you don't like your personality? I really don't. I am too loud, too opinionated, too energetic, too expressive. I don't feel particularly likeable as I am. "
How old are you? Because for me the answer was "turn 30." I'm still loud, opinionated, expressive, etc., but I've learned with time to bite my tongue, keep certain opinions to myself, think before I speak, not make my emotional expressiveness a burden on others, etc. People used to say I was "too aggressive" and "too opinionated" and now more often I get called direct, forthright, assertive, etc. It's really just that in the last 10 years I've gotten better at being a human among other humans, and really that's just from observation and practice. (I don't think I'm done, I hope I'll keep getting better at it.) I'm always going to fall on the "noisier" side of the interpersonal relations spectrum, but now I'm okay with that.
I don't think I had any more personality defects than anybody else, and I doubt you do either -- I think it's just that those of us who are, um, loud have our personality defects a little more publicly and embarrassingly than people who are more self-contained. You're probably not unlikable at all -- I bet a lot of that comes from your family of origin having trouble with your outgoing personality, and those messages are REALLY easy to internalize.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:10 PM on November 11, 2014 [9 favorites]
How old are you? Because for me the answer was "turn 30." I'm still loud, opinionated, expressive, etc., but I've learned with time to bite my tongue, keep certain opinions to myself, think before I speak, not make my emotional expressiveness a burden on others, etc. People used to say I was "too aggressive" and "too opinionated" and now more often I get called direct, forthright, assertive, etc. It's really just that in the last 10 years I've gotten better at being a human among other humans, and really that's just from observation and practice. (I don't think I'm done, I hope I'll keep getting better at it.) I'm always going to fall on the "noisier" side of the interpersonal relations spectrum, but now I'm okay with that.
I don't think I had any more personality defects than anybody else, and I doubt you do either -- I think it's just that those of us who are, um, loud have our personality defects a little more publicly and embarrassingly than people who are more self-contained. You're probably not unlikable at all -- I bet a lot of that comes from your family of origin having trouble with your outgoing personality, and those messages are REALLY easy to internalize.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:10 PM on November 11, 2014 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I found this a surprisingly thought-provoking question, to the extent I went onto my Facebook and looked at the list of all my friends and tried to ask myself: which of these people do I most want to be like and it made my brain bend in some funny, unfamiliar directions.
~My friend P smiles all the time and it feels sincere. Smiley people! I love them. I really enjoy straightforward signals that I'm doing "well" in a conversation - that what I'm saying is of interest, that my jokes are landing, that we're understanding each other. But...maybe it's even more accurate to say that I love positive, emotive people, since fake smiley-ness can come off as insincere. So, take two: I like people whose emotions are close to the surface, and you can read their feelings, both good and bad, pretty easily, but since they skew positively and be generally cheerful, the "feeling good" signals tend to outweigh the "bad" ones. If I can describe one characteristic that immediately leaves me with a good first impression, this is it.
~My friend J is funny. Okay, what could be more obviously likeable than that? But here is what I like about her brand of humor: it's self-deprecating; it's irreverent; it's absurd, and it's woven into the conversation. So lots of "funny" people will regale you with hilarious anecdotes, or tell you jokes, or bust in with a pun. But what J will do, which I admire, is to be having a normal, mundane conversation about baby hats or whatever (she just had a kid) and there will be all these little asides where she's making silly but astute comments about whatever it is we're talking about, in a way that quietly undermines or questions the seriousness of it, and then it'll go back to the original topic. Regardless of what we're talking about, that element of wit is there, and I like it.
~My friend L is thoughtful. Whenever I talk to her, I get the feeling that she's integrating that conversation into a larger picture she's building of who I am. So, if I'm telling her about a relationship problem I'm had, there will always be a moment where she'll go back and remember something else I've told her and compare the two situations, or ask me if they're similar, or quote me back to myself, not in an aggressive 'aha' way at all, but just in a way that lets me know she's actively thinking about me in a big-picture way. She'll often describe me to myself, which I is incredibly compelling when done well: "You're particularly sensitive in relationships when it comes to X," or whatever. And she always asks questions, and tries to get to the heart of things.
These are the three people & characteristics that immediately came to mind, and the reason I think this is such a good question is that yeah, taken together, these characteristics do illustrate fairly well the kind of person I try to be -- even though I've never articulated it in that way before. And I think I have, over time, become more "likeable" (for lack of a better word) - or found it easier to connect with people - in part because I've been cultivating those qualities.
At the same time, I think it'd be the height of folly for someone to read those three examples, think "Oh, that's what makes someone worthwhile" and the try to emulate them. Rather, it was looking at my friends, my values and my self that made this clear. Lots of my friends have great qualities, but I don't see the seeds of those qualities in myself, so I'm not trying to cultivate them. In other words, that's my answer to your question, but I think you need to answer your own question in your own way, by looking a little more specifically at the people in your life whom you both admire and identify with, and then figure out what the seeds are in yourself that you can water. Do you like most people when you meet them, even if you don't know what to say to them? That's a great trait. Water it. Do you enjoy listening, even to people others consider bores? Water that, too. Look around at your friends for models, and you'll see that there are lots and lots of ways to be.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 2:15 PM on November 11, 2014 [21 favorites]
~My friend P smiles all the time and it feels sincere. Smiley people! I love them. I really enjoy straightforward signals that I'm doing "well" in a conversation - that what I'm saying is of interest, that my jokes are landing, that we're understanding each other. But...maybe it's even more accurate to say that I love positive, emotive people, since fake smiley-ness can come off as insincere. So, take two: I like people whose emotions are close to the surface, and you can read their feelings, both good and bad, pretty easily, but since they skew positively and be generally cheerful, the "feeling good" signals tend to outweigh the "bad" ones. If I can describe one characteristic that immediately leaves me with a good first impression, this is it.
~My friend J is funny. Okay, what could be more obviously likeable than that? But here is what I like about her brand of humor: it's self-deprecating; it's irreverent; it's absurd, and it's woven into the conversation. So lots of "funny" people will regale you with hilarious anecdotes, or tell you jokes, or bust in with a pun. But what J will do, which I admire, is to be having a normal, mundane conversation about baby hats or whatever (she just had a kid) and there will be all these little asides where she's making silly but astute comments about whatever it is we're talking about, in a way that quietly undermines or questions the seriousness of it, and then it'll go back to the original topic. Regardless of what we're talking about, that element of wit is there, and I like it.
~My friend L is thoughtful. Whenever I talk to her, I get the feeling that she's integrating that conversation into a larger picture she's building of who I am. So, if I'm telling her about a relationship problem I'm had, there will always be a moment where she'll go back and remember something else I've told her and compare the two situations, or ask me if they're similar, or quote me back to myself, not in an aggressive 'aha' way at all, but just in a way that lets me know she's actively thinking about me in a big-picture way. She'll often describe me to myself, which I is incredibly compelling when done well: "You're particularly sensitive in relationships when it comes to X," or whatever. And she always asks questions, and tries to get to the heart of things.
These are the three people & characteristics that immediately came to mind, and the reason I think this is such a good question is that yeah, taken together, these characteristics do illustrate fairly well the kind of person I try to be -- even though I've never articulated it in that way before. And I think I have, over time, become more "likeable" (for lack of a better word) - or found it easier to connect with people - in part because I've been cultivating those qualities.
At the same time, I think it'd be the height of folly for someone to read those three examples, think "Oh, that's what makes someone worthwhile" and the try to emulate them. Rather, it was looking at my friends, my values and my self that made this clear. Lots of my friends have great qualities, but I don't see the seeds of those qualities in myself, so I'm not trying to cultivate them. In other words, that's my answer to your question, but I think you need to answer your own question in your own way, by looking a little more specifically at the people in your life whom you both admire and identify with, and then figure out what the seeds are in yourself that you can water. Do you like most people when you meet them, even if you don't know what to say to them? That's a great trait. Water it. Do you enjoy listening, even to people others consider bores? Water that, too. Look around at your friends for models, and you'll see that there are lots and lots of ways to be.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 2:15 PM on November 11, 2014 [21 favorites]
Best answer: Others may be onto something with the idea that your workplace is a bad fit, culturally.
But my guess is that you're not actually a "too loud/energetic/opinionated person," but rather you're a person who has on occasion spoken too loudly/acted too energetically/been too opinionated for the circumstances, and been made to feel self-conscious about it.
It isn't surprising to me that you feel your family of origin disliked you--and to me, that suggests that your perceptions of yourself might be warped.
Story: When I was a child I lived in a noisy, chaotic home full of kids and dogs and the TV always on, and I had to speak up to be heard. I often visited a friend who was an only child with much older parents than mine, and in their almost deathly silent home the mother was constantly shushing me, correcting my posture and walk, and asking wasn't I ashamed to be so loud and unladylike.
I hadn't ever felt shameful or "unladylike" before, but I sure as hell did afterward. And I carried with me the idea that I was a loud, oafish, uncivilized, clumsy person. Every word I spoke sounded, to me, like I'd shouted it with a mouthful of smelly food. I was continually embarrassed to hear myself recorded or to call someone, and certain that I sounded like basically a crazy person all the time. If you'd asked me, I would have said I hated my loud, dumb personality.
It turns out that almost everyone else in my life thinks of me as very quiet, to the point that my friends can tell I'm drunk because "we can finally hear what you're saying." All of the time I have been stuffing my voice down, sitting super-still, feeling like I want to die every time I do something visible or audible--everyone else has thought that I'm completely, utterly normal, if a bit on the quiet side.
The words of an unhappy, snobbish woman who thought nothing of being mean to a child warped my self-perception for years. Might hurtful messages from your family be doing the same for you? Listen to the people who you know love you. What they tell you is the only truth that matters.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:34 PM on November 11, 2014 [23 favorites]
But my guess is that you're not actually a "too loud/energetic/opinionated person," but rather you're a person who has on occasion spoken too loudly/acted too energetically/been too opinionated for the circumstances, and been made to feel self-conscious about it.
It isn't surprising to me that you feel your family of origin disliked you--and to me, that suggests that your perceptions of yourself might be warped.
Story: When I was a child I lived in a noisy, chaotic home full of kids and dogs and the TV always on, and I had to speak up to be heard. I often visited a friend who was an only child with much older parents than mine, and in their almost deathly silent home the mother was constantly shushing me, correcting my posture and walk, and asking wasn't I ashamed to be so loud and unladylike.
I hadn't ever felt shameful or "unladylike" before, but I sure as hell did afterward. And I carried with me the idea that I was a loud, oafish, uncivilized, clumsy person. Every word I spoke sounded, to me, like I'd shouted it with a mouthful of smelly food. I was continually embarrassed to hear myself recorded or to call someone, and certain that I sounded like basically a crazy person all the time. If you'd asked me, I would have said I hated my loud, dumb personality.
It turns out that almost everyone else in my life thinks of me as very quiet, to the point that my friends can tell I'm drunk because "we can finally hear what you're saying." All of the time I have been stuffing my voice down, sitting super-still, feeling like I want to die every time I do something visible or audible--everyone else has thought that I'm completely, utterly normal, if a bit on the quiet side.
The words of an unhappy, snobbish woman who thought nothing of being mean to a child warped my self-perception for years. Might hurtful messages from your family be doing the same for you? Listen to the people who you know love you. What they tell you is the only truth that matters.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:34 PM on November 11, 2014 [23 favorites]
It's wise to be self-aware. It's smart to correct harmful behaviors and do better. There is nothing wrong with healthy striving to become a better person. Life is a journey of discoveries about yourself. You'll grow and evolve and you'll realize that there is not an ultimate way to be. I think the goal is to become more open and more loving. Open your heart to who you are right now. Forget about enlightenment.
I think a focus on "self help" and "character building" can be well-intentioned, but a lot of people, including myself once upon a time, use self help to become more worthwhile . You're worthy and lovable, just as you are.
You say that you dislike your personality but I'm thinking you probably don't like yourself in general, and you think you need to fix yourself or become like your coworker in order to be loved. A clue is in your statement that your family of origin only tolerated you. You may have grown up thinking you were less than and needed to be a certain way in order to receive love.
As you age you will most likely start liking yourself more. You will be able to tolerate and accept your flaws, and in turn will be less judgmental of others. When we are young and believe that we are not normal and people couldn't possibly like the real us, we beat ourselves up. When we beat ourselves up, we tend to beat others up.
Most self help is junk in my opinion. Stat away from pop psychology books that give you advice, instructions or tips. Books that offer no advice at all are more useful. On top of therapy, some things that I find useful:
How to Be and Adult in Relationships
How to Be an Adult
Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships by John Welwood
Anything by John Welwood.
Video: Healing the Core Wound of the Heart
Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw
Brene Brown's books and TED talks. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en
posted by Fairchild at 3:03 PM on November 11, 2014 [10 favorites]
I think a focus on "self help" and "character building" can be well-intentioned, but a lot of people, including myself once upon a time, use self help to become more worthwhile . You're worthy and lovable, just as you are.
You say that you dislike your personality but I'm thinking you probably don't like yourself in general, and you think you need to fix yourself or become like your coworker in order to be loved. A clue is in your statement that your family of origin only tolerated you. You may have grown up thinking you were less than and needed to be a certain way in order to receive love.
As you age you will most likely start liking yourself more. You will be able to tolerate and accept your flaws, and in turn will be less judgmental of others. When we are young and believe that we are not normal and people couldn't possibly like the real us, we beat ourselves up. When we beat ourselves up, we tend to beat others up.
Most self help is junk in my opinion. Stat away from pop psychology books that give you advice, instructions or tips. Books that offer no advice at all are more useful. On top of therapy, some things that I find useful:
How to Be and Adult in Relationships
How to Be an Adult
Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships by John Welwood
Anything by John Welwood.
Video: Healing the Core Wound of the Heart
Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw
Brene Brown's books and TED talks. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en
posted by Fairchild at 3:03 PM on November 11, 2014 [10 favorites]
Best answer: I'm opinionated, expressive, energetic, and most of all--I'm consistent. If I'm having a lousy day, I work hard to not let it infect anyone else. My emotions don't dictate my actions. I can feel sad, pissed off, cranky and still show up, do my job, interact with humor and I hope grace, and leave my moodiness in the coat closet with my umbrella. When I get angry, I don't always have to show it openly. I can save my sarcasm for my commute home. I think being my real, authentic self doesn't mean I have act out every feeling I have. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is fine, wearing your bile duct isn't.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:31 PM on November 11, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 3:31 PM on November 11, 2014 [10 favorites]
You can't be someone else. You want to try to be the best you that you can.
I have a friend who has more friends than I have acquaintances. I admire that, but I can't emulate it.
posted by SemiSalt at 4:20 PM on November 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have a friend who has more friends than I have acquaintances. I admire that, but I can't emulate it.
posted by SemiSalt at 4:20 PM on November 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
Call me odd, but I found it in Anthony Bourdain's book Kitchen Confidential:
posted by doctor tough love at 4:41 PM on November 11, 2014 [8 favorites]
Most important, Steven suddenly and inexplicably, became the sort of person who, when he says he's going to do a thing, does it.It's so simple, but it's not easy. But so much comes from being that way, from being the person who can be trusted, being the person who said they would help you move - and they showed up.
posted by doctor tough love at 4:41 PM on November 11, 2014 [8 favorites]
You might like this book, Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success . Technically, it's a self-help book, but when I read it, the case studies reminded me of people I admire. The book had an interesting way of breaking down the individual characteristics that I hadn't noticed were common in a lot of people I want to be more like.
posted by mjcon at 6:36 PM on November 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by mjcon at 6:36 PM on November 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Craig Ferguson's advice fits being loud or opinionated.
Before you say that thing you want to say, ask yourself:
1) Does this need to be said?
2) Does this need to be said by me?
3) Does this need to be said by me, now?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 8:54 PM on November 11, 2014 [5 favorites]
Before you say that thing you want to say, ask yourself:
1) Does this need to be said?
2) Does this need to be said by me?
3) Does this need to be said by me, now?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 8:54 PM on November 11, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Meh... I've been there done that. And maybe people will find me to be a little jaded, but I believe the current environment of trying to "Become" something "better" is often just an avenue of making people feel unsatisfied with what they have and their own destiny. I believe in destiny and fate. I realize not everyone does. I realize that there are lots of people who believe that where you end up in life is determined ONLY by your own will, but I do not. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in free-will...but I don't believe that free-will is the only determinate of our lives. I've known extremely dishonest, backstabbing, trecherous people who had tons of supporters and friends and I've also known very kind-hearted and trustworthy people who had no support and no friends. I've known lazy people who did not even try gain riches and wealth and I've known people who tried sincerely hard every day and yet too many obstacles would just mysteriously appear on their path. If it's written in destiny and meant to be then it's just meant to be.
You can do everything that person does to a tee and still not gain the results that they do if it's not meant to be. And you could end up wasting a lot of time putting forth all that effort for nothing. So rather than focusing on the results that someone else is getting trying to be like them, I would recommend you just focus on being the most genuine and best YOU, that you possibly can be. According to some spiritual teachers, any time you complain or judge others you're not being your real self... You're just projecting. So I would focus on those things first and spread out from there. Why be a sub-par version of her (which is the best you could ever hope to be) when you can be an excellent version of the real you instead? If you're busy playing her, who's going to play you? No one can do that better than you can. That way, even if you don't get the same results she does, you will still reap the internal benefits of shining your genuine positive self to the world.
posted by rancher at 10:02 PM on November 11, 2014 [3 favorites]
You can do everything that person does to a tee and still not gain the results that they do if it's not meant to be. And you could end up wasting a lot of time putting forth all that effort for nothing. So rather than focusing on the results that someone else is getting trying to be like them, I would recommend you just focus on being the most genuine and best YOU, that you possibly can be. According to some spiritual teachers, any time you complain or judge others you're not being your real self... You're just projecting. So I would focus on those things first and spread out from there. Why be a sub-par version of her (which is the best you could ever hope to be) when you can be an excellent version of the real you instead? If you're busy playing her, who's going to play you? No one can do that better than you can. That way, even if you don't get the same results she does, you will still reap the internal benefits of shining your genuine positive self to the world.
posted by rancher at 10:02 PM on November 11, 2014 [3 favorites]
No one else can really tell you who to be. And I don't think you can really be anyone else, either. It's really hard sometimes to separate your behaviours from the person that you are - if you act in a kind way but actually are doing so from a sense that you're supposed to, are you actually kind? I don't know. Does it matter? Probably not so much.
But I would be wary of trying to change yourself too much. Many of us, particularly women, are socialised to think that our natural selves are somehow not right and need to be modified to fit in with what others expect of us. We're trained to please other people, to smooth things over, to take on any extra work or inconvenience to make someone else's life easier. There's nothing inherently wrong with making other people happy, or being kind and doing things for other people, or using diplomacy. But if you do so at the expense of your own self, and you consistently disadvantage and devalue yourself in favour of others - including others' opinions of you - that's not so good.
I can't remember where, but somewhere I read an anecdote about a group of women who first go around and identify their own greatest weakness. Then other people say what they think is each woman's greatest strength. And it's amazing how they are usually the same thing. That boisterous energy that can make you impatient and quick to say things before thinking them through can also be the energy that motivates other people to get stuck into a project, or brightens their day, or breaks through and gets into the open the thing that everyone else is thinking but no one else is game to actually say.
So maybe rather than thinking of yourself as an unlikeable person, look at how your natural tendencies can work either for you or against you. Try to channel them into more productive avenues and away from the ones that bother others, or you. So with the tendency to speak your mind, for example, try to let other people have a chance to say something before you jump in. Experiment with humour. I tend to speak my mind a lot, and it sometimes gets me in trouble, but I've found that humour helps enormously. Sometimes you can use your own negative feelings towards yourself in a more constructive way by being wry or gently self-deprecating.
Example: I went to a presentation before where the powerpoint text was just too small for many to see. Instead of saying, "That's a bad powerpoint, I can't read anything", when the presenter said he'd leave us to read the details, someone commented "It helps if you can see the text," which could have been an aggressive thing to say but because of tone of voice it wasn't. No one took offense, the other people in the room who couldn't read it either got the benefit of knowing what was on the slides, everyone was happy.
So that's kind of Question 1. As for Question 2 - how do you become someone else when you don't like the person you are - well, if you figure that out, let me know! And write a book about it, it will probably be a best-seller! I'm not sure you can. I think you need to make peace with the person you are and see yourself honestly. Don't become so egotistical that you can do no wrong, but be realistic about the fact that you are an awesome person who also sometimes does crappy things, has a bad day, misjudges a situation and says the wrong thing, etc. This is all pretty human. If kindness is one of the things you admire about the other lady, start with being kind to yourself.
Finally, maybe experiment with tonglen. It's kind of hard to explain, but I think Pema Chodron does a pretty good job. Suffering doesn't have to be severe pain, it can be the kind of negative thoughts you have about yourself after you feel you've said the wrong thing or been too loud or whatever. Start small. There's more about it in her books, especially When Things Fall Apart and also some Youtubes of her talking about it.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:42 PM on November 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
But I would be wary of trying to change yourself too much. Many of us, particularly women, are socialised to think that our natural selves are somehow not right and need to be modified to fit in with what others expect of us. We're trained to please other people, to smooth things over, to take on any extra work or inconvenience to make someone else's life easier. There's nothing inherently wrong with making other people happy, or being kind and doing things for other people, or using diplomacy. But if you do so at the expense of your own self, and you consistently disadvantage and devalue yourself in favour of others - including others' opinions of you - that's not so good.
I can't remember where, but somewhere I read an anecdote about a group of women who first go around and identify their own greatest weakness. Then other people say what they think is each woman's greatest strength. And it's amazing how they are usually the same thing. That boisterous energy that can make you impatient and quick to say things before thinking them through can also be the energy that motivates other people to get stuck into a project, or brightens their day, or breaks through and gets into the open the thing that everyone else is thinking but no one else is game to actually say.
So maybe rather than thinking of yourself as an unlikeable person, look at how your natural tendencies can work either for you or against you. Try to channel them into more productive avenues and away from the ones that bother others, or you. So with the tendency to speak your mind, for example, try to let other people have a chance to say something before you jump in. Experiment with humour. I tend to speak my mind a lot, and it sometimes gets me in trouble, but I've found that humour helps enormously. Sometimes you can use your own negative feelings towards yourself in a more constructive way by being wry or gently self-deprecating.
Example: I went to a presentation before where the powerpoint text was just too small for many to see. Instead of saying, "That's a bad powerpoint, I can't read anything", when the presenter said he'd leave us to read the details, someone commented "It helps if you can see the text," which could have been an aggressive thing to say but because of tone of voice it wasn't. No one took offense, the other people in the room who couldn't read it either got the benefit of knowing what was on the slides, everyone was happy.
So that's kind of Question 1. As for Question 2 - how do you become someone else when you don't like the person you are - well, if you figure that out, let me know! And write a book about it, it will probably be a best-seller! I'm not sure you can. I think you need to make peace with the person you are and see yourself honestly. Don't become so egotistical that you can do no wrong, but be realistic about the fact that you are an awesome person who also sometimes does crappy things, has a bad day, misjudges a situation and says the wrong thing, etc. This is all pretty human. If kindness is one of the things you admire about the other lady, start with being kind to yourself.
Finally, maybe experiment with tonglen. It's kind of hard to explain, but I think Pema Chodron does a pretty good job. Suffering doesn't have to be severe pain, it can be the kind of negative thoughts you have about yourself after you feel you've said the wrong thing or been too loud or whatever. Start small. There's more about it in her books, especially When Things Fall Apart and also some Youtubes of her talking about it.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:42 PM on November 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think one can improve character without necessarily compromising one's core identity.
I believe in 'ideal' qualities that everyone should aspire to nurture in themselves--kindness, generosity of spirit, empathy, patience, tactfulness, etc.
Other qualities like being gregarious, quirky, opinionated, clever, sensitive, etc., I think, should be considered individually defining traits that all make us unique combinations of wonderful.
Personally, I wish I had a natural confidence, but all I can do is fake it in certain situations. Even then it causes anxiety because it feels like I'm exerting too much effort and going against my nervous nature. How I make peace with it is guided by my religious beliefs, i.e. that we were all fearfully and wonderfully made, therefore I should focus on accepting what I was blessed with instead of comparing myself to others, and do my best to use the qualities I like in myself to inspire and do good.
posted by tackypink at 11:27 AM on November 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
I believe in 'ideal' qualities that everyone should aspire to nurture in themselves--kindness, generosity of spirit, empathy, patience, tactfulness, etc.
Other qualities like being gregarious, quirky, opinionated, clever, sensitive, etc., I think, should be considered individually defining traits that all make us unique combinations of wonderful.
Personally, I wish I had a natural confidence, but all I can do is fake it in certain situations. Even then it causes anxiety because it feels like I'm exerting too much effort and going against my nervous nature. How I make peace with it is guided by my religious beliefs, i.e. that we were all fearfully and wonderfully made, therefore I should focus on accepting what I was blessed with instead of comparing myself to others, and do my best to use the qualities I like in myself to inspire and do good.
posted by tackypink at 11:27 AM on November 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Seconding Mr. Moofoo, try to listen more. EVERYBODY likes to be listened to. Learning to listen will take care of many of the traits you aren't happy with.
And smile. One of the nicest people I know just... smiles. It's infectious, and she's fun to be around. You can see the room light up when she walks in.
I just wish I had her smile wrinkles rather than my frowny mouth set. '
And I love love love being around energetic people, as long as I can get an occasional word in edgewise.
posted by BlueHorse at 2:12 PM on November 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
And smile. One of the nicest people I know just... smiles. It's infectious, and she's fun to be around. You can see the room light up when she walks in.
I just wish I had her smile wrinkles rather than my frowny mouth set. '
And I love love love being around energetic people, as long as I can get an occasional word in edgewise.
posted by BlueHorse at 2:12 PM on November 12, 2014 [1 favorite]
Personality is like beauty, often in the eye of the beholder. If everyone liked the same thing, we'd either all be perfect clones or it would be a disaster. And if we were perfect clones, it would be boring.
What you think are terrible qualities may be what others love about you. (I love that about the strengths and the weaknesses, Athanasia). And I've never known anyone to actually change their personality, only their behavior anyway.
Everyone can benefit from trying to be kinder and more patient, but aiming for a personality transplant is a recipe for self hatred, which it sounds like you may be suffering from to some extent. To me, the best way to fight that is, as they say in self help groups, "if you want self esteem, do estimable actions" and don't be so hard on yourself.
posted by Maias at 5:21 PM on November 12, 2014
What you think are terrible qualities may be what others love about you. (I love that about the strengths and the weaknesses, Athanasia). And I've never known anyone to actually change their personality, only their behavior anyway.
Everyone can benefit from trying to be kinder and more patient, but aiming for a personality transplant is a recipe for self hatred, which it sounds like you may be suffering from to some extent. To me, the best way to fight that is, as they say in self help groups, "if you want self esteem, do estimable actions" and don't be so hard on yourself.
posted by Maias at 5:21 PM on November 12, 2014
Response by poster: sunset in snow county: One thing that's helped me accept it is finding someone to look up to who has a similar basic personality to mine, but is kickass in other ways.
I met a woman once like me, and I kept thinking "I'm not sure I like her, she is too loud and chatty and outgoing" but yet I watched her in various situations mix in a party and get along with everyone, and I realized my discomfort came from identifying with her and then dumping my own judgments. I expected her to feel bad about herself for having those traits, and she didn't at all. And I saw that not only was she chatty and loud ("bad" traits) but she was also very loyal, good at making/keeping friends and listened deeply ("great" traits). Seeing "my" traits in others and also seeing them as good decent people will help a lot, thank you.
rainbowbrite: "opinionated, quick to show anger, and need to bite my tongue more" imply to me that sometimes you snap at people, go to far in criticisms and/or make people feel bad.
This was hard to hear at first, but touches on the truth. Having a personality overhaul is not practical but I can be less judgmental. Yes I need to be more conscious of the feelings of others and choose my words & tone carefully (or not say them at all).
Eyebrows McGee: I think it's just that those of us who are, um, loud have our personality defects a little more publicly and embarrassingly than people who are more self-contained. You're probably not unlikable at all -- I bet a lot of that comes from your family of origin having trouble with your outgoing personality, and those messages are REALLY easy to internalize.
We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese: But my guess is that you're not actually a "too loud/energetic/opinionated person," but rather you're a person who has on occasion spoken too loudly/acted too energetically/been too opinionated for the circumstances, and been made to feel self-conscious about it.
Hardcheese, I just about cried when I read this. Yes I really internalized the bad reactions of others. Rather than taking it as feedback "don't say X in Y situation", I took it as "being me is bad. Don't be me." Which was a distorted way to interpret it.
Thank you everyone, these responses were so helpful. It helped me clarify what distinct things I could do to feel like a better person (hold back on speaking impulsively or emotionally or making casual judgments, not wear my heart on my sleeve so much) instead of aiming for a personality overhaul (become the woman at work). And it helps me admire & appreciate the woman at work so much more - I could work forever at trying to be her, and only make it 50% of the way, while she already IS her, which is so special and unique. Like that saying "be yourself, everyone else is already taken."
posted by serenity soonish at 9:59 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
I met a woman once like me, and I kept thinking "I'm not sure I like her, she is too loud and chatty and outgoing" but yet I watched her in various situations mix in a party and get along with everyone, and I realized my discomfort came from identifying with her and then dumping my own judgments. I expected her to feel bad about herself for having those traits, and she didn't at all. And I saw that not only was she chatty and loud ("bad" traits) but she was also very loyal, good at making/keeping friends and listened deeply ("great" traits). Seeing "my" traits in others and also seeing them as good decent people will help a lot, thank you.
rainbowbrite: "opinionated, quick to show anger, and need to bite my tongue more" imply to me that sometimes you snap at people, go to far in criticisms and/or make people feel bad.
This was hard to hear at first, but touches on the truth. Having a personality overhaul is not practical but I can be less judgmental. Yes I need to be more conscious of the feelings of others and choose my words & tone carefully (or not say them at all).
Eyebrows McGee: I think it's just that those of us who are, um, loud have our personality defects a little more publicly and embarrassingly than people who are more self-contained. You're probably not unlikable at all -- I bet a lot of that comes from your family of origin having trouble with your outgoing personality, and those messages are REALLY easy to internalize.
We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese: But my guess is that you're not actually a "too loud/energetic/opinionated person," but rather you're a person who has on occasion spoken too loudly/acted too energetically/been too opinionated for the circumstances, and been made to feel self-conscious about it.
Hardcheese, I just about cried when I read this. Yes I really internalized the bad reactions of others. Rather than taking it as feedback "don't say X in Y situation", I took it as "being me is bad. Don't be me." Which was a distorted way to interpret it.
Thank you everyone, these responses were so helpful. It helped me clarify what distinct things I could do to feel like a better person (hold back on speaking impulsively or emotionally or making casual judgments, not wear my heart on my sleeve so much) instead of aiming for a personality overhaul (become the woman at work). And it helps me admire & appreciate the woman at work so much more - I could work forever at trying to be her, and only make it 50% of the way, while she already IS her, which is so special and unique. Like that saying "be yourself, everyone else is already taken."
posted by serenity soonish at 9:59 AM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Self help & character building is supposed to be a good thing. So what is the goal of how to be? Like if you've ever met a person that made you go: I wish I was like that, what was it about that person? What are your personal experiences of exceptional people, and your ideas in general of what the endgame is for character building and self-growth.
Following on from your question, I believe that self help and character building are extremely useful tools throughout life and in any aspect of it. I believe that there's "never too much" that you can give towards building a stronger, more stable YOU.
I feel that with life, comes trials and tribulations, testing experiences, good experiences, negative experiences and all of these can genuinely mould the way you think and feel towards particular situations and/or your general aspect of life. The end game, I think for anyone is so be comfortably content. I say this, because I believe that often "happy" is a term that's used to explore feelings of adoration, excitement, etc.
I've never particularly met a person in which I aspire to become as such, however, I do not have role models as I believe that the only person who can change my life, is myself. I do, however, adore how people have transitioned throughout difficult times and have defeated things such as heartache, addiction, abuse, or negligence because these people to me, show the greatest courage and have the best advice for anyone who feels as if they're having a hard time.
Maybe you could actually call the people who have been through difficult times idols, but haven't we all?
posted by Black_Thirteen at 1:34 PM on November 11, 2014