when does it end
November 9, 2014 11:58 AM Subscribe
My grandmother died two days ago. My three-year relationship ended a week before that. I'm still dealing with the trauma of a sexual assault that occurred last year. I just moved to another country for graduate school. I have people I'm friendly with, but my close friends and family are thousands of miles away. I'm scared, overwhelmed and lonely. How do I keep going?
I'm already hurting after the break-up and I feel so horrendously alone in this barrage of grief. As I anticipate it will be mentioned, I do already have a therapist.
1) On a practical level, how do I feed myself, go grocery shopping, do my laundry and be an adult about things when I just don't want to get out of bed anymore?
2) On another level, I know I can't do this alone but I'm scared to open up to the people in my life here because while we are friendly with each other, I have only known my friends here for about a month and I don't want them to feel burdened with my emotions. How do I ask for help?
I'm already hurting after the break-up and I feel so horrendously alone in this barrage of grief. As I anticipate it will be mentioned, I do already have a therapist.
1) On a practical level, how do I feed myself, go grocery shopping, do my laundry and be an adult about things when I just don't want to get out of bed anymore?
2) On another level, I know I can't do this alone but I'm scared to open up to the people in my life here because while we are friendly with each other, I have only known my friends here for about a month and I don't want them to feel burdened with my emotions. How do I ask for help?
Are there counseling services available through your school?
posted by discopolo at 12:04 PM on November 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 12:04 PM on November 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
I had a period of my life very similar to this last year. Well, July 2012 through June 2013 or so. A lot of things went wrong, some things that are just completely ludicrous (how does a 28-year-old man get SHINGLES!?!). I'm not really sure how to get through it and I think it varies person-to-person. I just kept getting up because the alternative was to let everything I was working for fall over and die and I had no idea what I'd do next if I allowed that to happen, so I didn't. The good news is, through a combination of "it gets better" and "with enough hard work you can help make it better," it got better.
I did see a therapist for a few months and got on a very mild dose of antidepressants (citalopram/celexa, in my case). It helped get me through the worst and back to functional. I'm not sure it would work for everyone, but it worked for me.
posted by Alterscape at 12:07 PM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
I did see a therapist for a few months and got on a very mild dose of antidepressants (citalopram/celexa, in my case). It helped get me through the worst and back to functional. I'm not sure it would work for everyone, but it worked for me.
posted by Alterscape at 12:07 PM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh, and one other thing -- the therapist I saw was not through my school. I had very poor experiences in my engagement with school counselors. They were okay, but not awesome. Not sure if that's school counselors in general, or the particular school counselors I saw as compared to the private practice therapist I ended up with, but.. if you have the option to look off campus, it may be worth it.
posted by Alterscape at 12:08 PM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Alterscape at 12:08 PM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Wow - that is a lot!! I'm so sorry that you have so much to deal with and so far from home.
How do you keep going? You do it because you have to. One step at a time.
Scared and lonely is a child-like place. To get through this, you also need to be the adult - compassionate but firm. Don't yell at yourself for wanting to hide in bed but talk to yourself the way you would to a child - "OK quadrant, I know this is really hard but we just have to go to the grocery store this morning. I know you don't want to but think how nice it will be to have some decent food in the house. And once we get back, we can take a nap or listen to music and be sad some more."
About friends - I think the key is to open up slowly - test the water and find out who seems to want to know. Different friends are good for different things - some are good at listening, some are happy to run errands, some are good for distraction. You don't know until you try.
posted by metahawk at 12:11 PM on November 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
How do you keep going? You do it because you have to. One step at a time.
Scared and lonely is a child-like place. To get through this, you also need to be the adult - compassionate but firm. Don't yell at yourself for wanting to hide in bed but talk to yourself the way you would to a child - "OK quadrant, I know this is really hard but we just have to go to the grocery store this morning. I know you don't want to but think how nice it will be to have some decent food in the house. And once we get back, we can take a nap or listen to music and be sad some more."
About friends - I think the key is to open up slowly - test the water and find out who seems to want to know. Different friends are good for different things - some are good at listening, some are happy to run errands, some are good for distraction. You don't know until you try.
posted by metahawk at 12:11 PM on November 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
On a practical level, how do I feed myself, go grocery shopping...
Figure out a really limited and simple routine. One breakup, I lived on eggs, toast, pre-washed salad mix, earl grey tea, and ginger snaps. There might have been hummus and carrot sticks in there too. Pretty much every meal was some combination thereof.
posted by salvia at 12:12 PM on November 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
Figure out a really limited and simple routine. One breakup, I lived on eggs, toast, pre-washed salad mix, earl grey tea, and ginger snaps. There might have been hummus and carrot sticks in there too. Pretty much every meal was some combination thereof.
posted by salvia at 12:12 PM on November 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I am sorry you're having such a rough time of it. Not to sound glib but staying in bed for a few days would not have a detrimental effect - stay in bed and munch whatever junk food you have to hand and allow yourself time to feel the way you feel. Set yourself time limits for these bed episodes though, like no more than 2-3 days in a row. But allow yourself to veg out and be unhappy, there is plenty to be unhappy about. Also recognise that there is functioning adult and functioning adult. You should be aiming for barely functioning at the moment, not highly functioning. So it is not the end of the world if it's not as tidy or clean as it could be. Get to any classes and any work commitments and everything else is on a sliding scale. If you don't have the energy to cook a healthy meal all of November that's ok.
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:13 PM on November 9, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:13 PM on November 9, 2014 [10 favorites]
Best answer: I am so, so sorry. This is time to go to survival mode. Can you make one trip to the grocery store? Buy frozen foods that are easy to make, like pizzas and burritos. Stock up so you don't have to go again for a while. Buy yourself a treat, too. You don't really have to do a lot of laundry - just socks and underwear need to be clean. Just do the bare minimum in your life to get through another day.
There are some people who are really good at helping. They might not be your closest friends, but they will do anything for someone they know in crisis. There are probably a couple of people like that in your program. If you reach out to them, they will help you with the day to day things - concrete things are good, like helping you with laundry. Some friends might not be good at the concrete things, but they will be there for emotional support, which is necessary, too.
Best of luck. You can do this. Give yourself time to grieve. If your school has a gym, they might offer free yoga classes - they might help.
posted by umwhat at 12:17 PM on November 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
There are some people who are really good at helping. They might not be your closest friends, but they will do anything for someone they know in crisis. There are probably a couple of people like that in your program. If you reach out to them, they will help you with the day to day things - concrete things are good, like helping you with laundry. Some friends might not be good at the concrete things, but they will be there for emotional support, which is necessary, too.
Best of luck. You can do this. Give yourself time to grieve. If your school has a gym, they might offer free yoga classes - they might help.
posted by umwhat at 12:17 PM on November 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I've been in such a place. Abroad, recently single, huge pile of recent endings and trauma.
It's just really lonely.
Getting out of it wasn't one or two things, it was a series of things. But mostly just time.
I think the most important advice I can give is: Most of this will sort itself out. You will get to know people. You'll buy some food because you're hungry, and clean your clothes because you want to. At some point you'll realise that taking care of yourself is the easiest way to feel loved in such an environment that you describe. Don't beat yourself up over your current lack of energy, but do try to make the most of what energy you have. Remember that taking care of yourself makes you feel better, or at least "less worse".
And I'm fine now. Given a bit of time, you'll be too.
Also, what koahiatmadi said.
posted by svenni at 12:19 PM on November 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
It's just really lonely.
Getting out of it wasn't one or two things, it was a series of things. But mostly just time.
I think the most important advice I can give is: Most of this will sort itself out. You will get to know people. You'll buy some food because you're hungry, and clean your clothes because you want to. At some point you'll realise that taking care of yourself is the easiest way to feel loved in such an environment that you describe. Don't beat yourself up over your current lack of energy, but do try to make the most of what energy you have. Remember that taking care of yourself makes you feel better, or at least "less worse".
And I'm fine now. Given a bit of time, you'll be too.
Also, what koahiatmadi said.
posted by svenni at 12:19 PM on November 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
I do think it's okay to open up to some of the people you've just met (or at least one of them). People want to help in situations like this.
posted by three_red_balloons at 12:20 PM on November 9, 2014
posted by three_red_balloons at 12:20 PM on November 9, 2014
I just looked at your profile to see if you were in my country. It looks like you are (were?) in the UK. If you were in Sydney Australia I'd be offering to go for long walks, chocolate and cups of tea/wine. Sounds to me like you need a big sister type amongst other supports.
When you've processed the next few days, I reckon a meet up might find you a friend in need. Perhaps clarify exactly where you are and one might happen. Big hugs sweetie and I'm so pleased you came here for ideas. You'll get a myriad. And hopefully some irl hugs if that's what you wanted. Grandmas are so precious. I well remember the grief and putting that on top of all the rest is....unbearable.
But fresh air and big gulping sobs followed by (paracetamol for the headache) and tea are the best start. More hugs.
posted by taff at 12:22 PM on November 9, 2014
When you've processed the next few days, I reckon a meet up might find you a friend in need. Perhaps clarify exactly where you are and one might happen. Big hugs sweetie and I'm so pleased you came here for ideas. You'll get a myriad. And hopefully some irl hugs if that's what you wanted. Grandmas are so precious. I well remember the grief and putting that on top of all the rest is....unbearable.
But fresh air and big gulping sobs followed by (paracetamol for the headache) and tea are the best start. More hugs.
posted by taff at 12:22 PM on November 9, 2014
Response by poster: taff, I'm in Hull in the UK.
posted by quadrant seasons at 12:25 PM on November 9, 2014
posted by quadrant seasons at 12:25 PM on November 9, 2014
Best answer: My sister is going through a rough time and I was going to put together a care package for her... I could make two if you memail me an address! Having small things to look forward to really helps.
I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I lost mine while living overseas a couple years ago too. Feel free to memail me about that too. She'd given me some of her things (household items) before we left, and our stuff arrived not long after she passed. Unpacking and having a few of her things around was unexpectedly comforting. I thought about setting up a little shrine or diorama, but never followed through.
Do reach out to your new friends. I also live overseas and found this super awkward as an adult but giving and accepting help is what turns new acquaintances into old friends.
Otherwise, make things as easy as possible for a few months... Online bill payments, Kraft dinner, etc. If you're in the UK or somewhere grey this winter be on alert for SAD. Plan a weekend away somewhere sunny at the end of term too.
posted by jrobin276 at 12:31 PM on November 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I lost mine while living overseas a couple years ago too. Feel free to memail me about that too. She'd given me some of her things (household items) before we left, and our stuff arrived not long after she passed. Unpacking and having a few of her things around was unexpectedly comforting. I thought about setting up a little shrine or diorama, but never followed through.
Do reach out to your new friends. I also live overseas and found this super awkward as an adult but giving and accepting help is what turns new acquaintances into old friends.
Otherwise, make things as easy as possible for a few months... Online bill payments, Kraft dinner, etc. If you're in the UK or somewhere grey this winter be on alert for SAD. Plan a weekend away somewhere sunny at the end of term too.
posted by jrobin276 at 12:31 PM on November 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. I'm going to throw out a bunch of ideas in case any of it might be helpful:
In terms of logistics of day-to-day life, pare down to the essentials and prioritize. Priority #1 is eating and sleeping. Paying the bills so you're not homeless also ranks near the top of the list. Most other things can be put on the back burner.
What's your financial situation like? If it's at all feasible, go for take out, ready made meals, or super easy to prepare foods. I don't know if this is available in the UK, but here in the US there are even services that deliver groceries to your door, so maybe look into that for the short term.
Another idea: do you have any plans to go back and visit your friends/family? Maybe having something like that to look forward to would help.
Also, if you feel overwhelmed with school work, please reach out to your professors. From your question history, it seems like you are getting a social work degree, so I would hope that the professors would be understanding. If you think you need an extension, don't wait until the last minute to ask for it.
Assuming you are getting an MSW, I would think that your program would be populated by people who are fairly comfortable with dealing with other people's emotions. Obviously you don't want to come on too quickly, but if you do have people you've become friends with (especially if you're at the point where you're hanging out away from classes), then I think it's reasonable to start testing the waters by opening up. In fact, this can often help to deepen a friendship.
One more thing to look into is support groups. This may not be available where you are, but for example, if you found a support group for people who are dealing with trauma from sexual assault, that would give you a ready made place to help you cope with everything.
Finally, in terms of self care, I would make a goal to "treat yourself" each day. It doesn't have to be something big. Maybe just getting your favorite drink from a local coffee shop or buying a candy bar you like or watching a favorite movie. Just something for you to look forward to.
Oh, and exercise. I know it's hard to make yourself do when you're feeling really overwhelmed, but I find there's nothing like a walk around the block to help clear my head.
This is such a tough place to be in, and it sounds like you are (understandably) in a lot of pain, but you will get through it. You just have to take care of yourself as best you can, and don't hesitate to reach out for help.
posted by litera scripta manet at 1:11 PM on November 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
In terms of logistics of day-to-day life, pare down to the essentials and prioritize. Priority #1 is eating and sleeping. Paying the bills so you're not homeless also ranks near the top of the list. Most other things can be put on the back burner.
What's your financial situation like? If it's at all feasible, go for take out, ready made meals, or super easy to prepare foods. I don't know if this is available in the UK, but here in the US there are even services that deliver groceries to your door, so maybe look into that for the short term.
Another idea: do you have any plans to go back and visit your friends/family? Maybe having something like that to look forward to would help.
Also, if you feel overwhelmed with school work, please reach out to your professors. From your question history, it seems like you are getting a social work degree, so I would hope that the professors would be understanding. If you think you need an extension, don't wait until the last minute to ask for it.
Assuming you are getting an MSW, I would think that your program would be populated by people who are fairly comfortable with dealing with other people's emotions. Obviously you don't want to come on too quickly, but if you do have people you've become friends with (especially if you're at the point where you're hanging out away from classes), then I think it's reasonable to start testing the waters by opening up. In fact, this can often help to deepen a friendship.
One more thing to look into is support groups. This may not be available where you are, but for example, if you found a support group for people who are dealing with trauma from sexual assault, that would give you a ready made place to help you cope with everything.
Finally, in terms of self care, I would make a goal to "treat yourself" each day. It doesn't have to be something big. Maybe just getting your favorite drink from a local coffee shop or buying a candy bar you like or watching a favorite movie. Just something for you to look forward to.
Oh, and exercise. I know it's hard to make yourself do when you're feeling really overwhelmed, but I find there's nothing like a walk around the block to help clear my head.
This is such a tough place to be in, and it sounds like you are (understandably) in a lot of pain, but you will get through it. You just have to take care of yourself as best you can, and don't hesitate to reach out for help.
posted by litera scripta manet at 1:11 PM on November 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
Addressing your first question, I've posted before about the power of counting to three. Whether I'm bone tired from working all day or deeply depressed and simply can't imagine getting up to my brush my teeth, counting to three helps me do the adult things.
Along the lines of several of the posts above, don't abuse it. Don't be perfect. Do the bare minimum until you're ready to do more. Feeding yourself frozen dinners every night is much better than having a fridge full of fresh groceries but no motivation to cook and eat.
posted by telegraph at 1:31 PM on November 9, 2014
Along the lines of several of the posts above, don't abuse it. Don't be perfect. Do the bare minimum until you're ready to do more. Feeding yourself frozen dinners every night is much better than having a fridge full of fresh groceries but no motivation to cook and eat.
posted by telegraph at 1:31 PM on November 9, 2014
Best answer: I'm so sorry; I know just about what you're going through based on my own recent experiences. Absolutely do reach out to the new people in your life. Three weeks ago, on what would have been my brother's 21st birthday if he hadn't died in March, I was barely functioning and feeling really lonely in my relatively new city. I texted a woman I had only met two weeks before and seen exactly three times. I felt awful about it but the message I got back from her was basically "okay, I'm on the train now, where do you want to meet?" She's my closest friend here now. If you feel some kind of connection to someone, I think it's perfectly fine to call for help.
posted by wachhundfisch at 2:28 PM on November 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by wachhundfisch at 2:28 PM on November 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
Based on your location it may be good to know that all UK supermarkets allow you to buy online and will deliver to your front door for a reasonable fee. So in terms of practical survival head to ASDA and stock up on ready meals or minimal prep requiring food stuffs. Other supermarkets are available but that's the top choice for student budget.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:46 PM on November 9, 2014
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:46 PM on November 9, 2014
Best answer: It might help a little if you know that these things come in clumps and they happen to everyone over the course of a lifetime. That doesn't make it easier, but it's one way of saying that this series of miseries will end soon and life will get back to normal for a considerable length of time with only occasional traumas, one at a time. When you're old you'll be able to look back and remember the "year (or two) of hell" that hit when you were in your 20s or your 40s or whatever - and you'll wonder how you ever made it through that year, but you'll also know that you are now stronger and more able to meet trouble head-on than you were before that awful year.
When I got divorced, I had a three-year-old child who adored her grandfathers. In the next year, both of them died, unexpectedly, of cancer, and also her great-grandmother and great-grandfather, both of whom she adored. I didn't know it when I got divorced, but I was pregnant and my daughter was thrilled that she was going to have a new baby sister or brother - and then I lost the baby at 7 months, and that was very, very hard. My ex got drafted and one of my in-laws got the word out to my daughter that her father was going to go to Vietnam and die in the war and it was all my fault. That was one of the bad two-year periods.
It will be okay, and you'll be okay; you're weathering a terrible storm right now, but when it's over you'll be ready to handle whatever comes. For now, go to bed for three days - or get some soppy music on and a bottle of wine and lay on the floor and cry and carry on until you feel tired out and empty and a bit ridiculous for acting it out to such a degree. You'll know then that the traumas you've just been through have no more power to take you down - as evidenced by the fact that you're back on your feet and that's where you're going to stay.
Your grandmother was a strong woman and she'd want you to have that strength now that she doesn't need it anymore. Just give it some time and trust in your ability to rebound - you're going to be okay.
posted by aryma at 3:33 PM on November 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
When I got divorced, I had a three-year-old child who adored her grandfathers. In the next year, both of them died, unexpectedly, of cancer, and also her great-grandmother and great-grandfather, both of whom she adored. I didn't know it when I got divorced, but I was pregnant and my daughter was thrilled that she was going to have a new baby sister or brother - and then I lost the baby at 7 months, and that was very, very hard. My ex got drafted and one of my in-laws got the word out to my daughter that her father was going to go to Vietnam and die in the war and it was all my fault. That was one of the bad two-year periods.
It will be okay, and you'll be okay; you're weathering a terrible storm right now, but when it's over you'll be ready to handle whatever comes. For now, go to bed for three days - or get some soppy music on and a bottle of wine and lay on the floor and cry and carry on until you feel tired out and empty and a bit ridiculous for acting it out to such a degree. You'll know then that the traumas you've just been through have no more power to take you down - as evidenced by the fact that you're back on your feet and that's where you're going to stay.
Your grandmother was a strong woman and she'd want you to have that strength now that she doesn't need it anymore. Just give it some time and trust in your ability to rebound - you're going to be okay.
posted by aryma at 3:33 PM on November 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
Time IS the healer. Get through the current awful times using the excellent advice up thread, then progress to a more fruitful life style as your tattered emotions heal. They will heal, and you will feel better.
posted by Cranberry at 4:01 PM on November 9, 2014
posted by Cranberry at 4:01 PM on November 9, 2014
I agree that a few days in bed may be in order. When you're ready to get out of bed, see if your therapist or your school can recommend a grief counseling group. A group situation may be good for you right now.
posted by vignettist at 9:18 PM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by vignettist at 9:18 PM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: OP, I am very sorry for your loss. Having been in a similar situation, I can relate to what you must be going through right now. Sometimes there is no single answer for multiple crises that bring the whole shebang of emotions and rawness to the forefront...something that might be helpful to keep in mind in weeks and months to come. You have to have short-term strategies, keep revising as you go along, keeping in mind what is the most urgent and important need at the moment.
1) On a practical level, how do I feed myself, go grocery shopping, do my laundry and be an adult about things when I just don't want to get out of bed anymore?
Prioritize. Make lists. Like someone said above, you can't afford to be late on the rent, so that's a priority. Cooking a meal for dinner, not so much. Take out can work for tonight if there is no time. Things like that.
There is an adult and a child in you. When the child is grieving, you can't expect the adult to take over and start doing chores. Let yourself cry. Hold and comfort yourself in your crying and grief because that is what you need in those moments. When you are done (and you will be, no worries!), you will find the energy to do the chores. You may find yourself swinging between contradictory emotions and needs- the key is to have some semblance of balance over a period of time and not get bogged down in beating yourself up with "should's". Let yourself be. Give yourself permission to do what you need at the moment.
You may also want to check out Alan Wolfelt's book on understanding grief. There are different areas of life that will require tending and being mindful of these might be helpful.
2) On another level, I know I can't do this alone but I'm scared to open up to the people in my life here because while we are friendly with each other, I have only known my friends here for about a month and I don't want them to feel burdened with my emotions. How do I ask for help?
Different people, and even friends and family, fulfill very different needs. Knowing what you want, when and from whom will be very useful. You may want to know what you are looking for rather than just "emotional support". I am a little hesitant in suggesting that you open up to strangers you've known for a month based on my own experiences. Some of the reactions I've had have did more harm than the actual trauma. Someone older and experienced and of course a professional counselor is bound to be more helpful and empathetic than your average classmate. I am not saying don't open up to people; I am saying that be open to the idea that opening up may not lead to what you desire. A good alternative is to regularly attend any religious services at a worship center if your beliefs allow you to. Grief support groups, members at a worship center/services are way more compassionate than people at workplace.
You are not alone in this. You ask for help like you posted a question here. The community here, and the answers from strangers online has personally influenced me more profoundly than I could have ever imagined. Answers and help comes from the most unexpected of places, if you are able to see it.
I hope some of the above was helpful. Please feel free to email me anytime if you like.
posted by xm at 10:45 PM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
1) On a practical level, how do I feed myself, go grocery shopping, do my laundry and be an adult about things when I just don't want to get out of bed anymore?
Prioritize. Make lists. Like someone said above, you can't afford to be late on the rent, so that's a priority. Cooking a meal for dinner, not so much. Take out can work for tonight if there is no time. Things like that.
There is an adult and a child in you. When the child is grieving, you can't expect the adult to take over and start doing chores. Let yourself cry. Hold and comfort yourself in your crying and grief because that is what you need in those moments. When you are done (and you will be, no worries!), you will find the energy to do the chores. You may find yourself swinging between contradictory emotions and needs- the key is to have some semblance of balance over a period of time and not get bogged down in beating yourself up with "should's". Let yourself be. Give yourself permission to do what you need at the moment.
You may also want to check out Alan Wolfelt's book on understanding grief. There are different areas of life that will require tending and being mindful of these might be helpful.
2) On another level, I know I can't do this alone but I'm scared to open up to the people in my life here because while we are friendly with each other, I have only known my friends here for about a month and I don't want them to feel burdened with my emotions. How do I ask for help?
Different people, and even friends and family, fulfill very different needs. Knowing what you want, when and from whom will be very useful. You may want to know what you are looking for rather than just "emotional support". I am a little hesitant in suggesting that you open up to strangers you've known for a month based on my own experiences. Some of the reactions I've had have did more harm than the actual trauma. Someone older and experienced and of course a professional counselor is bound to be more helpful and empathetic than your average classmate. I am not saying don't open up to people; I am saying that be open to the idea that opening up may not lead to what you desire. A good alternative is to regularly attend any religious services at a worship center if your beliefs allow you to. Grief support groups, members at a worship center/services are way more compassionate than people at workplace.
You are not alone in this. You ask for help like you posted a question here. The community here, and the answers from strangers online has personally influenced me more profoundly than I could have ever imagined. Answers and help comes from the most unexpected of places, if you are able to see it.
I hope some of the above was helpful. Please feel free to email me anytime if you like.
posted by xm at 10:45 PM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I was recently in a state like this. A terrible breakup after having moved to a different side of the world, being mugged at knifepoint and having a life threatening (though short-lived) illness, in the span of a few months. Not only does it get better but if you get through this you'll have the confidence of knowing that you can survive pretty much anything. Small fears like social faux pas don't really matter anymore and you become more fearless. Also, your relationship with yourself is richer, because you're going to be forced to do a lot of self-love, self-assurance and self-building for the next few weeks or more.
What helped me through was
i) knowing that everyone has gone through this sucky point in life at some point in time. It's part of being an adult...dealing with loss and dealing with a pileup of pain
ii)watching inspirational talks (TED talks for instance), reading inspirational quotes, or something by Pema Chodron
iii)escapism. Everyone does this, whether it's television reruns, celebrity gossip, or some other form of entertainment.
iv) Think back, what got through the really bad moments in your past? You're still her, you got through them. Use the tools that got you through them.
I feel for you. Next year is a new year. With each passing day you're better able to overcome.
posted by kinoeye at 3:26 AM on November 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
What helped me through was
i) knowing that everyone has gone through this sucky point in life at some point in time. It's part of being an adult...dealing with loss and dealing with a pileup of pain
ii)watching inspirational talks (TED talks for instance), reading inspirational quotes, or something by Pema Chodron
iii)escapism. Everyone does this, whether it's television reruns, celebrity gossip, or some other form of entertainment.
iv) Think back, what got through the really bad moments in your past? You're still her, you got through them. Use the tools that got you through them.
I feel for you. Next year is a new year. With each passing day you're better able to overcome.
posted by kinoeye at 3:26 AM on November 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm with you, cybernetically. You expressed a fear of reaching out to the people you've known only a month, and yet by reaching out to all of us who don't know you at all, you've found a deep well of support and love. Trust that the people physically around you are also compassionate and supportive. Don't hesitate to reach out to them, and to people you know who are distant. Even reach out to strangers.
I'm going through my own tough time, and have found that almost anyone I tell my story to is sympathetic and supportive -- from my best friends to complete strangers. I called the cable company to see if I could get a cheaper rate, and when I told the nice man on the phone that I was asking because my husband had dumped me for a much younger woman after cheating and lying for months, he shaved 30% off my monthly bill and told me his own story of divorce and recovery. A casual acquaintance whose husband dumped her offered me her oceanside cabin as a retreat. An ex emails me regularly to check in.
I find this happens all the time — everyone I tell my story to has their own story of loss, and is supportive, soft, and reassuring. They've all got advice, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, a smile to share. People who've been through a loss want their experience to mean something, to be able to help someone else going through loss. People care, people really do. So please don't hesitate to reach out. Most people will be honored that you trusted them enough to tell them what's going on, and will respond with compassion and support.
Also, opening up to these people will — for some of them — open the door to a deeper relationship than the simple friendliness you've had so far. This is a good thing, and I hope you truly benefit from it. It will make your time abroad so much richer.
I'm sending out all my love to you, because my cup runneth over from the love given to me by the great people of this big, beautiful world.
posted by Capri at 12:10 PM on November 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm going through my own tough time, and have found that almost anyone I tell my story to is sympathetic and supportive -- from my best friends to complete strangers. I called the cable company to see if I could get a cheaper rate, and when I told the nice man on the phone that I was asking because my husband had dumped me for a much younger woman after cheating and lying for months, he shaved 30% off my monthly bill and told me his own story of divorce and recovery. A casual acquaintance whose husband dumped her offered me her oceanside cabin as a retreat. An ex emails me regularly to check in.
I find this happens all the time — everyone I tell my story to has their own story of loss, and is supportive, soft, and reassuring. They've all got advice, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, a smile to share. People who've been through a loss want their experience to mean something, to be able to help someone else going through loss. People care, people really do. So please don't hesitate to reach out. Most people will be honored that you trusted them enough to tell them what's going on, and will respond with compassion and support.
Also, opening up to these people will — for some of them — open the door to a deeper relationship than the simple friendliness you've had so far. This is a good thing, and I hope you truly benefit from it. It will make your time abroad so much richer.
I'm sending out all my love to you, because my cup runneth over from the love given to me by the great people of this big, beautiful world.
posted by Capri at 12:10 PM on November 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
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I don't have much practical advice to give you but if any of my friends (even if I'd only known them for a month) were in this situation I'd want them to ask for help and I'd be glad to give it.
posted by chr at 12:02 PM on November 9, 2014 [2 favorites]