Help mom live longer.

November 8, 2014 11:07 PM

My mom just turned 50, and I want her to live to see 100. What kind of things should she be doing to keep up health-wise? What kind of things should I be reminding her about?

Mom has always be frail health-wise, but was never the very health-conscious type of person. Now that she is getting older, her health is more and more on my mind. Unfortunately, she currently lives in a city where the air is pretty polluted, and will not be able to move elsewhere in the near future. She gets a general yearly checkup, and gets regular exercise daily. She also takes multivitamin supplements. Are there anything else that she should be doing or should avoid doing on a regular basis? Are there specialist doctors she should now start seeing regularly? Can anyone recommend any books or online material that will help me learn more about older people and health?

posted by dragonfruit to Health & Fitness (23 answers total)

Not to sound too snarky, truly, but the most helpful thing you can do is stop thinking about and referring to your mom as "older." She's certainly not young, but 50 is solidly middle-age. And as a real Old Person, with many Old Person friends, I can guarantee that a positive attitude is the single most powerful tool a person can have later in life. Along with that goes the understanding that "living to see 100" is not the point; living a full life before you die is the point. So you might be interested in her spiritual life, and the books she reads, and the volunteer activities she participates in, and her artistic life, and the friends she has and the ways she has fun. And maybe share some of them with her, if she wants you to. I'll bet she will -- you sound like a very nice kid.

Remember: Don't try to teach a pig to sing. It only frustrates you and irritates the pig.
posted by kestralwing at 11:30 PM on November 8, 2014 [41 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you for the suggestions, kestralwing. :) I will definitely see if I can be more involved in her life, and I did not mean to imply that 50 was "old". This whole question was trigger by a friend's father being diagnosed with cancer in the late stages, and me thinking "maybe if they caught it sooner" thoughts, and wondering what I should be doing on that front. In any case, I'll definitely pay more attention to her spiritual life and the intangibles.
posted by dragonfruit at 12:25 AM on November 9, 2014

I can tell you love your mom and want the best for her.

But it's not actually your job—or within your power—to manage her behavior around her health. She's a grown adult. Unsolicited health advice is unlikely to be received well.

The most you can do is support her in any goals that she identifies. So if she tells you she wants to eat better, then you can share recipes, cook together, etc.

I imagine you're pretty scared at the thought of your mom's death? (I know I am.) If that's on your mind a lot in an anxious and distressing way, it might make sense to talk with a counselor.
posted by ottereroticist at 1:30 AM on November 9, 2014 [9 favorites]

Heh, as somone 50;
Besides the obvious diet and exercise and medical care the people that I have known that live the longest have interests, typically where they interact with other people, and are either very ornery or very nice - but either way they are passionate. Great grandma Anderson lived to 98 and she was as mean as a wet hen. My Grandpa [other side of the family] was 6'4", lived to be 85 and had his own hydroelectic plant and a bunch of other projects.

I think that it's a passionate interest that keeps people going.
posted by vapidave at 1:57 AM on November 9, 2014 [2 favorites]

Maybe ask if she does regular breast exams/mammograms... suggest a good check up once a year. But other than that, she is VERY young and perfectly able to look after herself, you don't want to strain your relationship by bugging her about tons of stuff... or getting involved in stuff that is none of your business. I know its hard that your friend's dad died, and you don't want that to happen to you and your mom- but what you need to do is realise that life comes to an end for everyone, and there is very little we can do to control it... especially for someone else... and enjoy your relationship with her today, stop freaking out or borrowing trouble. And I agree, you sound very nice!
posted by catspajammies at 2:30 AM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

My mother -- thin, active, loving -- had a heart attack and passed away one week after her 62nd birthday this February.

She wasn't taking her blood pressure medication because it made her "feel funny." She started a new exercise regime without consulting her doctor. Things ended poorly.

The advice I'd give to her is the same as I'd give to anyone at any age: talk to your doctor. Take what's been prescribed to you. Ask about side effects. Take care of yourself.
posted by harperpitt at 3:24 AM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

Anecdata: my grandfather is closing in on 100 and has always been more socially and vocationally active than anyone else in the family, even the teenagers, with a completely packed calendar of parties, day trips, dinners with friends, professional association events, and community group events. Also, after my grandmother passed away he married a woman twenty years younger than he is who is equally active.

His idea of eating healthy is chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy rather than steak with mashed potatoes and gravy (albeit low-sodium gravy), he has only started exercising regularly in recent years as he's had difficulty getting out of the house quite as much (still more than me, though), and via an ultimatum delivered to his doctor a few years ago he refuses to take more than six medications per day.
posted by XMLicious at 3:24 AM on November 9, 2014 [3 favorites]

I have parents who have respectively each had strokes and who are relatively young (late 60s) and who make sometimes poor choices for their health. If (or really, when) one of them becomes more incapacitated a lot of the care will probably fall to me.

What I've learned is to let them make their own choices. It is hard. But they live in the same information saturated world I do. It truly is their choice. The one exception I make is checking that they have seen their doctor regularly.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:13 AM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

Take this with a grain of salt because everybody's situation is very individual and this is currently a raw nerve for me, but--my concern about my father's health was one of the factors that seems to have led to him deciding to drop contact with me, a number of years ago, because he perceived me as a nag. He passed away recently, not yet 70, of something that I still believe might have been preventable, and without us ever being able to mend the breach, although that wasn't the only reason for it by a long shot. I just mean, in the end--those were his choices to make, and he was aware of the consequences. I regret being able to help more, but if he'd wanted my help, he would have asked for it. These are things where you should see what your mom wants to do, support her if she wants to make changes, but otherwise, much of this is between your mom and her doctor(s) and it is not the child's role to take care of these things until either the parent is incapable of self-care or the parent actually asks for assistance.
posted by Sequence at 4:29 AM on November 9, 2014 [5 favorites]

I completely understand how you're feeling and have even felt that way myself. The mortality of our loved ones is one of the hardest things in the world to accept (for me, it is harder than accepting my own mortality).

But unless she has a known cognitive issue, you should not be "reminding" your mother to do anything about her health at this stage. You shouldn't be reminding any mentally sound 50-year-old about basic self-care, but especially not the one who used to have to remind you to wipe your bum. Maybe when she's 80, she'll appreciate a reminder. Or maybe not.

It's incredibly hard to accept, but the fact is that nothing any of us does can truly guarantee a long life for ourselves or anyone else. Like other contributors to this thread, I've noticed that very long-lived people often have passionate interests ... but so did Stephen Jay Gould and Christopher Hitchens.

The best thing you can do for your mother is be there for her, share in her life (and let her share in yours) as much as she would like, and bring her as much happiness as you can.

For reading material, I suggest Ecclesiastes; the Epicurean philosophers ; The Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 4:32 AM on November 9, 2014 [4 favorites]

For reading I suggest "Counterclockwise" by Ellen Langer. Even just googling those terms will turn up some neat interviews that gets the basic idea across.
posted by lafemma at 5:05 AM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

Help her laugh. Help her de-stress. Help her see the lighter side of things. My grandma lived to a ripe, healthy 94, and I truly believe her secret was her ability to laugh and not let stress affect her.
posted by airguitar2 at 5:51 AM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

50 is not that old... but the thing that I think is key is engagement. My mom and dad never had any hobbies or real interests. My mom died earlier this year from cancer, and didn't seek any treatment at all; my dad is meanwhile deteriorating into what I believe is Alzheimer's. Mom was 70 and my dad is 75, but both of them seem(ed) ten or fifteen years older than that, and I think the reason is simply because they didn't have real social lives (putting tons of pressure on me to provide that, which of course I could not do adequately because I have my own family and responsibilities), interests (no reading, hobbies, or even word-search puzzles), or hopes.

I often felt that both my parents were still living in their youth, with regrets about decisions made and negative events overshadowing their present and future.

The horrible thing is, there's nothing you can do if your mom falls into this pattern.
posted by sonic meat machine at 6:19 AM on November 9, 2014 [4 favorites]

Maybe get her some hand weights and a book on weightlifting...lifting weights is a good way to strengthen bones, and osteoporosis is a common problem when women get older.
posted by three_red_balloons at 6:52 AM on November 9, 2014

Eh, living until 100 is overrated anyway.

Everyone's lifespan is thoroughly unpredictable. My gran was treated for colon cancer, caught pretty late, when she was 70. A few years later, she had surgery for stomach cancer. When she was in her early 90s, they found breast cancer and she decided not to receive treatment at all because she was so old... And then she lived for nearly another decade anyway, dying of natural causes at 101.

Probably the only thing she did that had any impact on her lifespan is that she didn't really eat during most of her life. As in, she'd eat half a plantain and maybe an egg all day, every day. (She was super thin, though - inherited disordered eating ftw!)

I don't know about you, but I would trade ages 90 to 100 for the ability to eat 3 balanced meals a day up until then. It's made all the more ironic because when she hit about 90, it's like my gran figured she was almost dead anyway, so why not enjoy herself, so she started eating extra cake and ice cream with every meal and she gained a ton of weight, which was a huge stress on her body in her final years.

It's an utter crapshoot, is all I'm saying. If my gran had been being screened for cancer and caught the first one at an earlier stage, it wouldn't have mattered. If she'd died at 90, she still would have had a long full life, and her final decade would have been one in which she was out partying on the town every weekend (really!) Instead, she was pretty much bedridden for most of her final decade. As a selfish person who adored my gran, I'm glad I got to spend more time with her, but our best times were during her 70s and 80s anyway.
posted by lesli212 at 6:55 AM on November 9, 2014 [2 favorites]

Concentrate on having a rich familial relationship with your mother, in whatever way you can, and not a doctor-patient relationship with her. You will almost certainly remember conversations about books she's reading, movies she's seen, friends she's spent time with, and family members she's talked to with much more fondness than you will remember conversations about reminding her to take her vitamins or get a mammogram.
posted by jaguar at 7:55 AM on November 9, 2014 [2 favorites]

As a fifty-two year old person I still feel about 15 years-old if I'm honest (and certainly not in an age bracket where a twenty-something needs to be nagging me about my health.) Your mother should know to get an annual physical, both GP and GYN. Mammograms, colonoscopies (which, yeah, I need to do that,) and to take all medications prescribed by doctors as directed. Flu shots, and other vaccinations as directed by a doc.

But if she's on top of this, let it alone. She's a grown woman and she can manage her life.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:57 AM on November 9, 2014 [3 favorites]

And a common response to someone else's death is a realization of how little control we have over the universe and then a frantic scrambling to regain that illusion of control. It's a totally understandable reaction to grief and loss, but it's not always the most helpful one. Rather than clinging to the idea that we can conquer death if only we take vitamins / see a doctor regularly / exercise / whatever, grief can teach us to enjoy the moments we do have as fully as possible and to let go of the guilt we heap on ourselves for our inability to control other people's death.
posted by jaguar at 8:00 AM on November 9, 2014 [4 favorites]

You might be interested in the Harvard Guide to Women's Health: Fifty and Forward ($20 print or $18 for PDF). That website also has a lot of free health info, and you can sign up for newsletters (or send her a link to sign up, if she's interested).

The major things I think of when turning 50 are getting a colonoscopy, a bone density check, and things like Vitamin D levels checked. I did my colonoscopy earlier this year, which in reality is a lot easier than the thought of it (so Ruthless Bunny, just do it! They give you good drugs, you won't remember it!). I had a polyp or two that had to be snipped. My husband had an actual cancerous tumor discovered when he was 52 (and had to have a colon resection, not fun); polyps in general take about 6-7 years to grow and then start to turn cancerous (according to his oncologist), so having the test done at 50 and then on schedule is a huge factor in staying health that way. Not everyone is a polyp grower but man, if you are, you want those suckers snipped out before they turn into something bad.

Walking, or any weight bearing exercise, will help build and maintain bone mass. The studies on calcium supplements are mixed, but it seems that yogurt is a really great food for calcium and gut health, so I eat yogurt and my husband drinks yogurt smoothies.

So yeah, I've had all those tests done, including bone density and mammogram. I have mild high BP and I take a pill for it every day. Get my check-ups. I am not the most uber health nut in the world, but I do talk to a younger female relative who is really into health and she is very encouraging, sending me recipes for healthy breakfasts (when I mentioned that I had gotten stuck in a junkie ramen with egg thing every day), so just kind of talking to her makes me feel a little like, hey, I can do this and get back into the healthy ways I had a few years ago before I backslid a little.

So I would just kind of approach it that way: educate yourself, and it will help you in your later years as well! Then ask if she's gotten or will be getting her colonoscopy, bone density, mammo, etc. It's okay to be a gentle nag, but also showing love and enthusiasm helps a lot too. Good on you for caring about your mom.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 8:23 AM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

Gotta agree with the posters who are saying it's her life not yours, so basically butt out --- all you're doing is adding stress to her life, and stress is, in itself, a killer.

She's only 50 years old fer cryin' out loud! That might have been considered 'old' a couple hundred years ago, but nowadays it's barely middle-aged. She exercises, and probably because of those multivitamin supplements & regular doctor visits I'm guessing she also eats well. Where she lives isn't really any of your business: she is a capable adult, and it is entirely her choice where she lives.

Your friend's father had cancer, okay I get that that scared you; but eating well/exercising/regular checkups/etc. will not guarantee your mom will never get cancer: nothing your (or she) can do will promise that. What will be, will be. She is currently taking care of herself, and that's all anyone can do. Lightning could strike --- in the form of cancer, an accident, a heart attack --- or she could live to be listed in the Guiness Book of Records as 'oldest living person'. Nagging her won't help.
posted by easily confused at 9:04 AM on November 9, 2014

I'm older than your mom by a good amount. I never get sick and don't take any meds. All I can tell you is what works for me since I don't know anything about your mom. I eat nothing processed. I eat single ingredient foods that I can cook with myself; veggies, fruit, meat, eggs, rice, etc. I don't eat bread or cake or anything like that....ugh. I stay away from everything in the supermarket that isn't in the outer aisles. I drink lots of water. I exercise every day via recumbent stationary bike or walking. I lift weights. I have sex.

Also, my skin is amazing and I'm mistaken for someone 20 years younger quite often. Arguably, looking good on the outside is often a reflection of good things going on on the inside. Skin and hair and nails reflect general good health. It's better to look good than to feel good, my ass. Which is awesome, by the way. My ass. It's all that recumbent biking and the dead lifts ;)
posted by the webmistress at 9:45 AM on November 9, 2014 [9 favorites]

I think you'll probably reduce your anxiety most by explaining what's going on with you to your mom.

You're anxious because of your friend's diagnosis, and that's making you worry about her future health. Tell her!

Whatever she says (and I'm guessing it will be along the lines of "there, there") will make you feel better. I promise.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 11:58 AM on November 9, 2014 [1 favorite]

For a lot of people it seems to come down simply to less food and less stress as we get older.

I have all of my grandparents still around and the stress part is really important They've had health problems and surgeries and whatnot, but they just kind of figure they can't worry about what they cant control and they are all over 80 and realize they can't really control much about thier longevity at this point. My 92 year old grandpop smokes a pipe every day and goes dancing on the weekends. Grandmom has bad arthritis in her fingers, but she just improvises to continue her cleaning and gardening rituals. They just keep on keepin on. (I envy their attitudes!)
posted by WeekendJen at 7:36 AM on November 10, 2014