how to tell people we're getting married
November 7, 2014 8:52 AM Subscribe
We’ve decided to get married after dating for about 1.5 years because he needs a visa to stay here, and I feel weird telling my friends about it.
So, my boyfriend—let’s call him Henry—is amazing and lovely and I’ve known he was special since the day I met him. But I don’t think we’d be planning on getting married just yet if it weren’t for the visa issue. For various logistical reasons, we've set a date for the middle of December. I’m from a middle-class, liberal family where most of my friends and family dated for a long time before getting married. When Henry and I get married, we will have been dating for almost exactly 1.5 years and we will have been living together for about 6 months.
We’re just doing a courthouse wedding, because Henry and I have talked about it, and from our perspective this is mostly just one more hoop to jump through, so that we can stay together. But I’ve invited my parents and my older sister to the ceremony, because I know they would be hurt if they weren’t there, and his dad is coming as well. But now my family is treating it much more like a WEDDING than I’m really comfortable with. My mom bought a new dress for the ceremony and my dad sent out an announcement to all my cousins without asking me first.
To top it off, I hadn’t dated much before I met Henry, and I’ve realized recently that I feel sort of guilty because we’re getting married so quickly. I have friends who aren’t married yet and who desperately want to be (some of them have long-term boyfriends who just aren’t ready yet, some of them don’t have a steady boyfriends).
So, basically, I need some advice for how to talk to people about this. I keep putting it off. Most of my oldest friends live scattered across the country, so it’s easier to put off. I don’t really want people making a big deal over it, but my mother has already proven that I don’t really have control over that anyway.
Is it okay if we don’t make any big announcements and if I only tell my close friends about it? Would it be rude to email those friends first and tell them, and then set up phone dates to talk to them? I feel shy about the whole thing too; I think it would be easier to explain it in writing. And I sort of want to give the desperate-to-be-married friends a chance to process it before we talk.
And do you have any other words of wisdom for getting married in slightly unusual circumstances and dealing with the feeling that I’m doing it all wrong? I love Henry without any doubt, so that part doesn’t feel wrong, but I guess the whole wedding-industry-thing got farther into my head than I’d realized.
So, my boyfriend—let’s call him Henry—is amazing and lovely and I’ve known he was special since the day I met him. But I don’t think we’d be planning on getting married just yet if it weren’t for the visa issue. For various logistical reasons, we've set a date for the middle of December. I’m from a middle-class, liberal family where most of my friends and family dated for a long time before getting married. When Henry and I get married, we will have been dating for almost exactly 1.5 years and we will have been living together for about 6 months.
We’re just doing a courthouse wedding, because Henry and I have talked about it, and from our perspective this is mostly just one more hoop to jump through, so that we can stay together. But I’ve invited my parents and my older sister to the ceremony, because I know they would be hurt if they weren’t there, and his dad is coming as well. But now my family is treating it much more like a WEDDING than I’m really comfortable with. My mom bought a new dress for the ceremony and my dad sent out an announcement to all my cousins without asking me first.
To top it off, I hadn’t dated much before I met Henry, and I’ve realized recently that I feel sort of guilty because we’re getting married so quickly. I have friends who aren’t married yet and who desperately want to be (some of them have long-term boyfriends who just aren’t ready yet, some of them don’t have a steady boyfriends).
So, basically, I need some advice for how to talk to people about this. I keep putting it off. Most of my oldest friends live scattered across the country, so it’s easier to put off. I don’t really want people making a big deal over it, but my mother has already proven that I don’t really have control over that anyway.
Is it okay if we don’t make any big announcements and if I only tell my close friends about it? Would it be rude to email those friends first and tell them, and then set up phone dates to talk to them? I feel shy about the whole thing too; I think it would be easier to explain it in writing. And I sort of want to give the desperate-to-be-married friends a chance to process it before we talk.
And do you have any other words of wisdom for getting married in slightly unusual circumstances and dealing with the feeling that I’m doing it all wrong? I love Henry without any doubt, so that part doesn’t feel wrong, but I guess the whole wedding-industry-thing got farther into my head than I’d realized.
I think you could go easier on yourself. Lots of people marry sooner rather than later for reasons of health insurance, visas, deployment, whatever. Not making a big deal of it is at least as healthy, in my opinion, as devoting a year and a down payment on a house to your wedding. Plus your friends won't have to travel and buy clothes and wedding gifts. If you want, just email them all to tell them you are getting married. Whatever you do, don't be apologetic. This is really normal. Enjoy the good parts. Best wishes!
posted by BibiRose at 9:00 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 9:00 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Please don't share the visa aspect of your decision to marry as a way to make your friends who want to be married feel better or out of the habit of narrating your insecurities about whether you're "doing it right." You'll just undermine their perceptions and that's not fair to you, your husband or your marriage. And the gossip will be damaging too. Enjoy the day, love your guy and raise a toast to the future.
posted by carmicha at 9:04 AM on November 7, 2014 [43 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 9:04 AM on November 7, 2014 [43 favorites]
Your friends' emotions about not being married are not your problem to solve. By all means, don't go flashing the ring in their face, but I also wouldn't feel like you need to break the news to them like you might if their pet just died. This is happy news! Give them a bit of space and then hope that they can be happy for you.
In my circles this kind of thing is announced by putting up a ring pic on Facebook or Tumblr or wherever, followed by phone calls to close friends. The level of irony in the photo/caption/choice of ring varies depending on the couple, but in general, it works.
Also: Congratulations!
posted by pie ninja at 9:09 AM on November 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
In my circles this kind of thing is announced by putting up a ring pic on Facebook or Tumblr or wherever, followed by phone calls to close friends. The level of irony in the photo/caption/choice of ring varies depending on the couple, but in general, it works.
Also: Congratulations!
posted by pie ninja at 9:09 AM on November 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
Getting married after only a year and a half is too soon? Hunh?
posted by leahwrenn at 9:09 AM on November 7, 2014 [13 favorites]
posted by leahwrenn at 9:09 AM on November 7, 2014 [13 favorites]
Please don't share the visa aspect of your decision to marry
And definitely do not put anything like that into writing, like in an explanatory email to a friend or relative, which could one day come back to fuck you over.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:10 AM on November 7, 2014 [33 favorites]
And definitely do not put anything like that into writing, like in an explanatory email to a friend or relative, which could one day come back to fuck you over.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:10 AM on November 7, 2014 [33 favorites]
You might want to make this question anonymous as well.
posted by troika at 9:12 AM on November 7, 2014 [24 favorites]
posted by troika at 9:12 AM on November 7, 2014 [24 favorites]
I don't think you really need to say anything at all if you feel that uncomfortable about it. I personally know two couples who had civil ceremonies for *reasons* and kept mum about it until after they held their reception a year or so later. Let everyone think you're shacking up, who cares. And tell your mom that she's over-stepping your boundaries, even though you know it isn't deliberate and that she doesn't mean to hurt your feelings. Your feelings are your own, no one can tell you they're wrong.
posted by vignettist at 9:16 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by vignettist at 9:16 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A year and a half of dating before getting married is plenty of time in my opinion. I don't think you have to try to justify your decision at all. Just tell people you're engaged, no need to explain the reasons why. Congratulations!
posted by Librarypt at 9:17 AM on November 7, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by Librarypt at 9:17 AM on November 7, 2014 [8 favorites]
Best answer: my husband and i got married for insurance. now, make no mistake - i knew i'd be with my husband for the rest of our lives and we loved each other deeply, but our actual getting married decision would have likely come a couple years later...but, i have asthma and we live in america and we have chosen to have a one income family, so we came to the conclusion that marrying sooner rather than later was the only real choice. i also felt weird about it.
i come from a huge family, very traditional, i was already bucking all sorts of trends by not getting married in a church or temple. i wish i could say when i told people we were straight up eloping everyone was cool about it and no one was weird - but that didn't happen. all of the sudden all sorts of people who had never really cared to be at any of my milestones were really upset that i wasn't having a big wedding they could attend. we mitigated this somewhat by planning a big fun party 6 or so months in the future to celebrate the nuptials. most everyone got over it and i am glad every day to be married to my husband even if the initial reason for the marriage was entirely practical. i agree that keeping the reasons to yourself (and maybe your very closest friends/family) is the best idea.
oh, tell your parents to chill out and not send anything else out or make any plans around the wedding without talking to you. that's actually one of the reasons my quickie wedding didn't have any relatives in attendance - just the guy who married us and his wife and daughter (long time friends of ours). you can put your foot down and do this exactly the way you want to, but you have to be assertive about it.
posted by nadawi at 9:17 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
i come from a huge family, very traditional, i was already bucking all sorts of trends by not getting married in a church or temple. i wish i could say when i told people we were straight up eloping everyone was cool about it and no one was weird - but that didn't happen. all of the sudden all sorts of people who had never really cared to be at any of my milestones were really upset that i wasn't having a big wedding they could attend. we mitigated this somewhat by planning a big fun party 6 or so months in the future to celebrate the nuptials. most everyone got over it and i am glad every day to be married to my husband even if the initial reason for the marriage was entirely practical. i agree that keeping the reasons to yourself (and maybe your very closest friends/family) is the best idea.
oh, tell your parents to chill out and not send anything else out or make any plans around the wedding without talking to you. that's actually one of the reasons my quickie wedding didn't have any relatives in attendance - just the guy who married us and his wife and daughter (long time friends of ours). you can put your foot down and do this exactly the way you want to, but you have to be assertive about it.
posted by nadawi at 9:17 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure why you're seeing this as an issue of damage control.
You love the guy, you'd end up married anyway. This might be an accelerated timeline in your particular social circle but it's really not so unusual.
Post on facebook. Write cheerful emails to your friends: "Betty, I wanted you to be among the first to know Henry and I have gotten engaged. We're just doing City Hall, of course, but I can't wait for Henry to meet you -- hopefully we can travel out that way sometime soon."
And call your mom and dad: "I'm so thrilled you'll be at City Hall and we'd like to have a family meal with you, my sister, and Henry's dad to go celebrate after. I just want to be extra sure that the cousins know we're just having our closest family with us that day. Can you help get the word out?"
posted by mochapickle at 9:21 AM on November 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
You love the guy, you'd end up married anyway. This might be an accelerated timeline in your particular social circle but it's really not so unusual.
Post on facebook. Write cheerful emails to your friends: "Betty, I wanted you to be among the first to know Henry and I have gotten engaged. We're just doing City Hall, of course, but I can't wait for Henry to meet you -- hopefully we can travel out that way sometime soon."
And call your mom and dad: "I'm so thrilled you'll be at City Hall and we'd like to have a family meal with you, my sister, and Henry's dad to go celebrate after. I just want to be extra sure that the cousins know we're just having our closest family with us that day. Can you help get the word out?"
posted by mochapickle at 9:21 AM on November 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
And definitely do not put anything like that into writing
poffin boffin makes a good point. I once had to write an affidavit attesting that friends' relationship was real and providing lots of details about it (Separately they both told me s/he could be the one after the first date! She was excited about the dress! He cried during the ceremony!) because the feds suspected it was a green card marriage, in part because it was small with no family present. So just in case, document the fun and festivities; my casual cell phone pics of my friends' good times together became evidence bolstering their claim.
posted by carmicha at 9:23 AM on November 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
poffin boffin makes a good point. I once had to write an affidavit attesting that friends' relationship was real and providing lots of details about it (Separately they both told me s/he could be the one after the first date! She was excited about the dress! He cried during the ceremony!) because the feds suspected it was a green card marriage, in part because it was small with no family present. So just in case, document the fun and festivities; my casual cell phone pics of my friends' good times together became evidence bolstering their claim.
posted by carmicha at 9:23 AM on November 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: oh! and if what you're worried about is that in your social circle weddings are planned a year or more in advance and you think everyone is going to think it's hinky that you're doing it in the span of 4 weeks - you can sort of hand wave that away with, "we were planning to get married anyway, but logistically it just makes sense to do it before the new year" and this where i found it helpful to have some sort of event already sort of planned "we're going to have a get together sometime next year so we can all celebrate together, i'll fill you in on the details once we set them."
i also didn't explicitly say no gifts, but i also didn't register anywhere and when asked i told everyone that we were pretty set and that it was just an informal backyard bbq type of thing and to just bring their smiling faces. it avoided a lot of the pitfalls that surround etiquette and gifts and weddings.
posted by nadawi at 9:27 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
i also didn't explicitly say no gifts, but i also didn't register anywhere and when asked i told everyone that we were pretty set and that it was just an informal backyard bbq type of thing and to just bring their smiling faces. it avoided a lot of the pitfalls that surround etiquette and gifts and weddings.
posted by nadawi at 9:27 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
My wife and I were married this year, the first week of April. We didn't start planning the actual day until the week beforehand. In our case we've been together for years, unlike your situation, so for us it was a matter of finally taking the inititiative to put events in motion.
Our to-do list was fairly short -- got the marriage licence, set up an appointment for the ceremony with the city clerk, e-mailed our parents and siblings, booked a small restaurant for dinner. My mother-in-law was delighted, and extended the invitation to my spouse's aunts and uncles. Our cousins found out via the family network, but we didn't tell our friends until after we were married.
It was low key and low effort compared to the typical wedding, but the sentiment was the same. Everyone was happy for us -- family and friends. People like happy news, and the fact that we'd gotten married spread quickly on its own. No grand announcement from us. We were surprised to when unsolicited cards and gifts started arriving in the mail, from well-wishers wanting to share in our happiness.
Just relax! There's no need to justify yourselves. Your happiness is what's important to your family and friends.
posted by gox3r at 9:28 AM on November 7, 2014
Our to-do list was fairly short -- got the marriage licence, set up an appointment for the ceremony with the city clerk, e-mailed our parents and siblings, booked a small restaurant for dinner. My mother-in-law was delighted, and extended the invitation to my spouse's aunts and uncles. Our cousins found out via the family network, but we didn't tell our friends until after we were married.
It was low key and low effort compared to the typical wedding, but the sentiment was the same. Everyone was happy for us -- family and friends. People like happy news, and the fact that we'd gotten married spread quickly on its own. No grand announcement from us. We were surprised to when unsolicited cards and gifts started arriving in the mail, from well-wishers wanting to share in our happiness.
Just relax! There's no need to justify yourselves. Your happiness is what's important to your family and friends.
posted by gox3r at 9:28 AM on November 7, 2014
Getting married for the purposes of obtaining a visa is a federal crime, and it's a high priority for immigration authorities. If he applies for a new green card or citizenship on the basis of your marriage, expect it to be scrutinized heavily.
posted by empath at 9:29 AM on November 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by empath at 9:29 AM on November 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
When I was a kid, people I knew only got married because someone was pregnant. And it was a blessed occasion! Everyone was happy for them!
You're getting married, mazel tov! How exciting! Stop being weird about it unless you have some unexamined fears or concerns!
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:34 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
You're getting married, mazel tov! How exciting! Stop being weird about it unless you have some unexamined fears or concerns!
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:34 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Put it on Facebook and be done, no need for specific follow up calls or anything like that. People will react any way they react, that's not something you can control or need to worry about.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:34 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:34 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
You might want to think about asking the mods to anonymize this question, actually.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:34 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 9:34 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I just wanted to say: thanks for all of your thoughts so far and for telling me to calm down. I think I’m just feeling freaked out because I’m a really private person and lots of attention makes me uncomfortable.
posted by swamp rocket at 9:36 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by swamp rocket at 9:36 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Congratulations, first of all! :-)
I think you have a few different questions to unpick here, so I'mma try to break these out.
1. - Your Parents talking about this. I'd just quietly take them aside and say that "hey, I'm glad you're so excited, but could you maybe check with me before you let anyone else know? We're really trying to keep this small. Thanks." Boom, done. (Unless they continue to make a stink, in which case, see point 5. below.)
2. - Whether to tell your friends why you're getting married now. ....totally up to you, and only if you think it's any of their business. But honestly, you are under no obligation to tell them why you're getting married now; only that "hey, we're getting married!" So if you don't think it's their business, then fine! (If they make a stink, see point 5. below.)
3. - How you feel about the whole wedding complex shin-dig party thing. One way to handle this is, actually get married now at the courthouse the way you're already planning, but then plan on a bigger party/gathering/whatever a few months from now or whenever, when the dust has settled for you and your guy, so your friends and extra family can whoop it up with you. This could be a best-of-both-worlds thing - it gives everyone a chance to party with you, but it doesn't need to be, like, a wedding-wedding, so you can only have the parts of a reception you want and ignore the parts you never wanted anyway. (If anyone makes a stink, see point 5. below.)
4. Whether your desperate-to-be-married friends are going to feel all weird. It's sweet of you to be concerned for them, but honestly, this is their problem to sort out in their own heads, and not yours. They may indeed feel a twinge of jealousy, but if they are truly your friends, that will take a back seat to "but yay swamp rocket is getting married and that's a happy thing." (If they don't do that, then see point 5 below.)
5. This isn't a question of yours, it is a cardinal rule of mine that you should keep in mind: This is YOUR WEDDING, not anyone else's. That means the only two people who have a vote in how to do things are you and your husband-to-be. If your parents are whining about wanting to invite more family, or your friends are gossiping about "hmmm, I wonder why that's happening so fast," you have every right in the world to tell them "know what, this is MY wedding, NOT yours, and that means that everything is how I say it should be. If you don't like it, you can throw your own damn wedding for your own self, but hands off of MY wedding."
And the way you're doing things is totally not weird at all. I know about THREE people who did this exact kind of "courthouse wedding and then a low-key party later" kind of thing, and I even know a couple who decided to elope just because that's what they felt they wanted. And even though that meant I wasn't at any of their actual weddings, and in the case of the couple who eloped I wasn't even at the aftermath, I was still happy for them because I am their friend and I want them to be happy.
At the end of the day, you're going to be married to someone you love, and that's the only thing your family and friends should care about.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:43 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think you have a few different questions to unpick here, so I'mma try to break these out.
1. - Your Parents talking about this. I'd just quietly take them aside and say that "hey, I'm glad you're so excited, but could you maybe check with me before you let anyone else know? We're really trying to keep this small. Thanks." Boom, done. (Unless they continue to make a stink, in which case, see point 5. below.)
2. - Whether to tell your friends why you're getting married now. ....totally up to you, and only if you think it's any of their business. But honestly, you are under no obligation to tell them why you're getting married now; only that "hey, we're getting married!" So if you don't think it's their business, then fine! (If they make a stink, see point 5. below.)
3. - How you feel about the whole wedding complex shin-dig party thing. One way to handle this is, actually get married now at the courthouse the way you're already planning, but then plan on a bigger party/gathering/whatever a few months from now or whenever, when the dust has settled for you and your guy, so your friends and extra family can whoop it up with you. This could be a best-of-both-worlds thing - it gives everyone a chance to party with you, but it doesn't need to be, like, a wedding-wedding, so you can only have the parts of a reception you want and ignore the parts you never wanted anyway. (If anyone makes a stink, see point 5. below.)
4. Whether your desperate-to-be-married friends are going to feel all weird. It's sweet of you to be concerned for them, but honestly, this is their problem to sort out in their own heads, and not yours. They may indeed feel a twinge of jealousy, but if they are truly your friends, that will take a back seat to "but yay swamp rocket is getting married and that's a happy thing." (If they don't do that, then see point 5 below.)
5. This isn't a question of yours, it is a cardinal rule of mine that you should keep in mind: This is YOUR WEDDING, not anyone else's. That means the only two people who have a vote in how to do things are you and your husband-to-be. If your parents are whining about wanting to invite more family, or your friends are gossiping about "hmmm, I wonder why that's happening so fast," you have every right in the world to tell them "know what, this is MY wedding, NOT yours, and that means that everything is how I say it should be. If you don't like it, you can throw your own damn wedding for your own self, but hands off of MY wedding."
And the way you're doing things is totally not weird at all. I know about THREE people who did this exact kind of "courthouse wedding and then a low-key party later" kind of thing, and I even know a couple who decided to elope just because that's what they felt they wanted. And even though that meant I wasn't at any of their actual weddings, and in the case of the couple who eloped I wasn't even at the aftermath, I was still happy for them because I am their friend and I want them to be happy.
At the end of the day, you're going to be married to someone you love, and that's the only thing your family and friends should care about.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:43 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Congratulations. Just wear a ring and if asked say yes we are getting married.
(I would strongly advice you to please give this serious thought. Most likely and hopefully Henry is wonderful and best wishes to you both. However the visa thing and the 1.5 years is a bit tricky-how much do you know him?)
posted by jellyjam at 9:52 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
(I would strongly advice you to please give this serious thought. Most likely and hopefully Henry is wonderful and best wishes to you both. However the visa thing and the 1.5 years is a bit tricky-how much do you know him?)
posted by jellyjam at 9:52 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: While anonymizing the question will never actually hurt anything, it's almost certainly unnecessary. You aren't doing anything remotely illegal, because he is your for-real and no-shit boyfriend that you love and have been involved with for years and cohabit with.
You would only be marrying for a visa if you didn't know each other or weren't a legitimate couple. The fact that a visa is leading you to marry now instead of later will almost certainly raise no red flags whatsoever.
His visa (whether that would be his original visa or a K3 is maybe worth buying an hour with an immigration attorney about), adjustment-of-status, and eventual removal-of-conditions will still be heavily scrutinized because they all are. USCIS will want to see evidence that you live together like leases and utilities, evidence that you're a real couple like happy touristy pictures of you both or of y'all tying the knot, and ideally evidence that you've tangled up your financial lives together like one of you being on the other's insurance and having a joint bank account.
Even if it were the case that y'all would just live together forever/for an indeterminate period if left to your own devices and the immigration issues push you to get legally married, that would also be virtually certain to cause no problems because you are still a legitimate couple.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:52 AM on November 7, 2014 [11 favorites]
You would only be marrying for a visa if you didn't know each other or weren't a legitimate couple. The fact that a visa is leading you to marry now instead of later will almost certainly raise no red flags whatsoever.
His visa (whether that would be his original visa or a K3 is maybe worth buying an hour with an immigration attorney about), adjustment-of-status, and eventual removal-of-conditions will still be heavily scrutinized because they all are. USCIS will want to see evidence that you live together like leases and utilities, evidence that you're a real couple like happy touristy pictures of you both or of y'all tying the knot, and ideally evidence that you've tangled up your financial lives together like one of you being on the other's insurance and having a joint bank account.
Even if it were the case that y'all would just live together forever/for an indeterminate period if left to your own devices and the immigration issues push you to get legally married, that would also be virtually certain to cause no problems because you are still a legitimate couple.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:52 AM on November 7, 2014 [11 favorites]
i am also an anxious and private person! it's actually one of the reasons we had a no guests wedding. i used my anxiety to soothe any hurt feelings - "getting married is a really big deal to me and it's important to me and my partner that we have a moment to just focus on the thing we're doing. it feels like a very private thing to me and i feel like having a big party going on simultaneously will make it hard for me to both honor the moment and have a good time. that's why we're planning [event] at a more convenient time in the future so we can all party until dawn." or you know, something like that.
posted by nadawi at 10:00 AM on November 7, 2014
posted by nadawi at 10:00 AM on November 7, 2014
Best answer: I also got married recently for visa reasons and am also an intensely private person who did not really want to share a ton about it! (And also, we really probably would not have bothered getting married if not for immigration either.) I.... totally just showed up to work/friend events with a ring and no one asked about it. My close friends all know, but my partner still isn't actually cleared to be HERE (immigration takes a while), and I really didn't feel like having to explain to people that no, being married does not mean that your spouse gets to live in the US immediately forever without issue.) It's been six months so far since we eloped and we're still waiting, and it feels really strange to be making a big deal of being omg married when my partner is still two thousand miles away, you know?
We did the courthouse thing too, in part because our respective extended families are not super great about this and in part because while DOMA was recently down, same-sex marriages aren't legal in the state where I live. So it had to be a destination thing, and it wound up being just the two of us--made a nice vacation out of it and everything.
Anyway, I really did just wind up not telling people about it much or making a big thing. I just wear a wedding ring around, and no one really made a fuss about it or seems to care outside of my close friends. I'll probably discuss more when my partner is actually cleared to move down, but right now it's like... well, I made a legal change in status for legal reasons, but nothing else has changed at all in day to day life, why would I make a fuss about it? And that's worked out fine for me. I also know of another couple who got legally married for immigration reasons at my workplace and just didn't mention it at all to anyone publicly, and a third couple who did a "hey we're going to the courthouse! Married now!" potluck. No one seems to have batted a hair. So you know, talk about stuff in whatever way you're comfortable with; as long as you don't apologize for it, people will generally nod and smile.
(I'm with ROU_Xenophobe--the OP doesn't have to worry at all about the legality of posting this. It's not actually illegal to get married-for-visa IF you're getting married because you want to be married and be able to live together; in fact, that's why there's also an option to immigrate on a K1 visa and then marry within 90 days. My partner and I did not do this because you have to wait for a few months living in the US before you can get a job on that visa, and we didn't want to deal with that.)
posted by sciatrix at 10:05 AM on November 7, 2014
We did the courthouse thing too, in part because our respective extended families are not super great about this and in part because while DOMA was recently down, same-sex marriages aren't legal in the state where I live. So it had to be a destination thing, and it wound up being just the two of us--made a nice vacation out of it and everything.
Anyway, I really did just wind up not telling people about it much or making a big thing. I just wear a wedding ring around, and no one really made a fuss about it or seems to care outside of my close friends. I'll probably discuss more when my partner is actually cleared to move down, but right now it's like... well, I made a legal change in status for legal reasons, but nothing else has changed at all in day to day life, why would I make a fuss about it? And that's worked out fine for me. I also know of another couple who got legally married for immigration reasons at my workplace and just didn't mention it at all to anyone publicly, and a third couple who did a "hey we're going to the courthouse! Married now!" potluck. No one seems to have batted a hair. So you know, talk about stuff in whatever way you're comfortable with; as long as you don't apologize for it, people will generally nod and smile.
(I'm with ROU_Xenophobe--the OP doesn't have to worry at all about the legality of posting this. It's not actually illegal to get married-for-visa IF you're getting married because you want to be married and be able to live together; in fact, that's why there's also an option to immigrate on a K1 visa and then marry within 90 days. My partner and I did not do this because you have to wait for a few months living in the US before you can get a job on that visa, and we didn't want to deal with that.)
posted by sciatrix at 10:05 AM on November 7, 2014
Best answer: I was your boyfriend 10 years ago, and was a life-long, I-don't-want-to-ever-marry person for lots of reasons. But I got married in order to stay with my guy, because common-law doesn't cut it for the USCIS. (In Canada, you don' t need to get married to sponsor a partner, by contrast, much more civilized, and you can be same-sex, too boot).
We had a low-key marriage with a few witnesses, and that was it. Let your family have their day, some people set this big importance on it, and it can be their thing, it doesn't have to be yours. I didn't make a big announcement to anyone, people who are close to me know I am married, and they also know why I did it. I am perfectly okay with that.
Yes, and what ROU_Zenophobe said, you don't need to anonomize this question, THERE IS NO CRIME in getting married in order to keep the person you love and have been in a relationship with in the country. Repeat: NO CRIME. The USCIS knows that, they also know people get married in order to keep their loved one in the country. They are not idiots.
posted by nanook at 10:05 AM on November 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
We had a low-key marriage with a few witnesses, and that was it. Let your family have their day, some people set this big importance on it, and it can be their thing, it doesn't have to be yours. I didn't make a big announcement to anyone, people who are close to me know I am married, and they also know why I did it. I am perfectly okay with that.
Yes, and what ROU_Zenophobe said, you don't need to anonomize this question, THERE IS NO CRIME in getting married in order to keep the person you love and have been in a relationship with in the country. Repeat: NO CRIME. The USCIS knows that, they also know people get married in order to keep their loved one in the country. They are not idiots.
posted by nanook at 10:05 AM on November 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: My wife and I got married because I had a scholarship that was taking me out of the country and a whole passel of things would have been extremely difficult without a marriage license. We had already decided we were spending the rest of our lives together, but we both had some ideological objections to marriage per se, so we were very much in your position--awkwardly trying to keep friends and family from making it a Big Event because to us it was an Onerous Bureaucratic Intrusion in our lives.
Looking back on it now (from a distance of 28 happily-together years) I just think what a pair of idiots we were. We should have just let our friends and our family do what they wanted to do, which was celebrate our being together, celebrate our (very real) love for each other and have a nice party.
So, my advice to you from the "been there, done that" p.o.v. is forget about the particular reason your timeline is being rushed. Tell your friends and family you decided to have a small, informal wedding because that's what you wanted to have, but accept their well-wishes (and gifts and all the rest of it) with good grace and as the genuine tokens of their love for you that they are.
posted by yoink at 10:20 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Looking back on it now (from a distance of 28 happily-together years) I just think what a pair of idiots we were. We should have just let our friends and our family do what they wanted to do, which was celebrate our being together, celebrate our (very real) love for each other and have a nice party.
So, my advice to you from the "been there, done that" p.o.v. is forget about the particular reason your timeline is being rushed. Tell your friends and family you decided to have a small, informal wedding because that's what you wanted to have, but accept their well-wishes (and gifts and all the rest of it) with good grace and as the genuine tokens of their love for you that they are.
posted by yoink at 10:20 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Getting married with the primary goal defeat visa immigration law is in fact against the law.
You should have made this post anonymous. If the INS determines that your marriage occurred for the primary goal of getting a visa, and NOT for the primary goal of getting married, (which is what you state publicly in this post), then you boyfriend can still be denied a visa even after you marry.
posted by Flood at 10:25 AM on November 7, 2014
You should have made this post anonymous. If the INS determines that your marriage occurred for the primary goal of getting a visa, and NOT for the primary goal of getting married, (which is what you state publicly in this post), then you boyfriend can still be denied a visa even after you marry.
posted by Flood at 10:25 AM on November 7, 2014
Best answer: So I've had friends get married for visa reasons and for health insurance reasons. Both set were like you, in actual relationships, in love, but moved up the getting married timeline because of these external reasons. The first sent out an email saying what they were doing to their close friends and we actually all showed up to see their courthouse* wedding and go out to dinner with them afterwards. They, months later, threw a larger, religious wedding and invited everyone to that. The second set got married very quietly and didn't even tell their parents and mentioned it to us off hand the next time we saw them. For close friends they explained why they were doing it quickly up front. For more distant friends/family they just said that they were married/getting married on x date, and if asked why so quickly, they would explain that it was always their plan, but they just had to move up the date. Don't worry about what others think about your wedding. Have the wedding you want and tell people how you want. You don't need to call everyone individually, and for more distant friends something like an email or FB announcement of your wedding is fine. Treat it like any other wedding, because really that is all it is : ) Congratulations.
*they actually got married in the public gardens near the courthouse because the justice of the peace suggested it, but in every other way it was a courthouse wedding.
posted by katers890 at 10:32 AM on November 7, 2014
*they actually got married in the public gardens near the courthouse because the justice of the peace suggested it, but in every other way it was a courthouse wedding.
posted by katers890 at 10:32 AM on November 7, 2014
Getting married with the primary goal defeat visa immigration law is in fact against the law.
Those of you wondering about this: first the government would have to prove that defeating immigration law was the only reason for the marriage. I don't think that's the case here; you're thinking of a situation more like that movie Green Card. Here, it looks like marriage was going to happen at some point anyway, and the timing just got moved up.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:39 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
Those of you wondering about this: first the government would have to prove that defeating immigration law was the only reason for the marriage. I don't think that's the case here; you're thinking of a situation more like that movie Green Card. Here, it looks like marriage was going to happen at some point anyway, and the timing just got moved up.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:39 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting married after a year and a half plus six months of living together.
And I just don't see feeling guilty about other people's hangups. If they want to be married, they're certainly free to do so. That has nothing to do with you or your relationship or decisions.
Congratulations! Focus on YOU. Enjoy yourself, your engagement and your new spouse.
posted by cnc at 10:39 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
And I just don't see feeling guilty about other people's hangups. If they want to be married, they're certainly free to do so. That has nothing to do with you or your relationship or decisions.
Congratulations! Focus on YOU. Enjoy yourself, your engagement and your new spouse.
posted by cnc at 10:39 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You have my full permission to have a conversation with your parents about boundaries and YOUR expectations for your own wedding, not theirs.
posted by Brittanie at 11:02 AM on November 7, 2014
posted by Brittanie at 11:02 AM on November 7, 2014
Another idea: Instead of announcing you're engaged, just don't tell any of your friends until AFTER you're married and then just explain "we eloped!" In fact, if you're worried about your parents making a big deal out of it and inviting a bunch of cousins and whatnot to the date you set for December, you could just go get married next week or whatever to avert that. Speaking from experience as someone who has both planned a big wedding and then ended scrapping those plans to elope instead, people will question your decision to get married and wedding plans (or lack thereof) a LOT less once it's a fait accompli instead of an impending event.
To head off any disappointment from people who might have really wanted to go to your wedding, invite them to have dinner with you and your husband instead. The best way to handle this might be individual personalized emails / phone calls to your friends and family with a message like: "Henry and I eloped! We weren't comfortable having a large wedding, but we'd still love to celebrate our nuptials with you on a more personal level. When are you available to have dinner with us?" For those in couples, change "you" to "you and [SO's name]", for those with kids, change "you" to "you and your family", etc. If your friends and family are anything like my and my husband's friends and family were when we eloped, chances are that lots of people will offer to treat you to dinner at a nice restaurant or throw a small party in their homes for you. Take them up on it.
After reading the comments above, I agree that you should probably not mention the visa issue to anyone and definitely don't put it in writing. While it's not your sole reason for getting married, why borrow trouble by creating any evidence that suggests it might be? And if you think someone you know might be able to find your MetaFilter account (do you ever post/send links here to people you know?) then you might want to ask the mods to anonymize your question and delete your follow-up question as well.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:12 AM on November 7, 2014
To head off any disappointment from people who might have really wanted to go to your wedding, invite them to have dinner with you and your husband instead. The best way to handle this might be individual personalized emails / phone calls to your friends and family with a message like: "Henry and I eloped! We weren't comfortable having a large wedding, but we'd still love to celebrate our nuptials with you on a more personal level. When are you available to have dinner with us?" For those in couples, change "you" to "you and [SO's name]", for those with kids, change "you" to "you and your family", etc. If your friends and family are anything like my and my husband's friends and family were when we eloped, chances are that lots of people will offer to treat you to dinner at a nice restaurant or throw a small party in their homes for you. Take them up on it.
After reading the comments above, I agree that you should probably not mention the visa issue to anyone and definitely don't put it in writing. While it's not your sole reason for getting married, why borrow trouble by creating any evidence that suggests it might be? And if you think someone you know might be able to find your MetaFilter account (do you ever post/send links here to people you know?) then you might want to ask the mods to anonymize your question and delete your follow-up question as well.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:12 AM on November 7, 2014
You're not getting married for the visa. The visa issue is pushing your marriage to happen more quickly than you are perhaps comfortable with.
posted by doctor tough love at 11:20 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by doctor tough love at 11:20 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: My husband is Canadian and I am American. Part of the reason we married when we did was for visa/immigration reasons. We're coming up on our sixth anniversary, so it seems to be sticking.
1. Have this question made anonymous. When it comes to proving your marriage is 'legitimate' at ICE, the burden is on YOU. They will use anything they can find to declare your marriage a sham and deny his visa.
2. Have a small wedding. We got married in our favorite coffee shop with about 30 people in attendance. Our officiant was a retired city council member.
3. Some people will make jokes about getting married for immigration. Try to laugh them off. Most people have no idea how invasive and terrifying ICE can be. "Well, I'm just as married as you are." was helpful when people got snarky.
4. People get married in small ceremonies and at the courthouse for all kinds of reasons. Some don't want to feed the wedding-industrial complex, some see marriage as a civil institution best performed by civil servants, some people are cheap. Your reasons for a courthouse wedding are no less valid than someone else's decision for a big church wedding. Own it.
But seriously, anonymize this question and don't write (or say) ANYTHING that ICE could use against you. Because they will. It's their job.
posted by workerant at 11:23 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
1. Have this question made anonymous. When it comes to proving your marriage is 'legitimate' at ICE, the burden is on YOU. They will use anything they can find to declare your marriage a sham and deny his visa.
2. Have a small wedding. We got married in our favorite coffee shop with about 30 people in attendance. Our officiant was a retired city council member.
3. Some people will make jokes about getting married for immigration. Try to laugh them off. Most people have no idea how invasive and terrifying ICE can be. "Well, I'm just as married as you are." was helpful when people got snarky.
4. People get married in small ceremonies and at the courthouse for all kinds of reasons. Some don't want to feed the wedding-industrial complex, some see marriage as a civil institution best performed by civil servants, some people are cheap. Your reasons for a courthouse wedding are no less valid than someone else's decision for a big church wedding. Own it.
But seriously, anonymize this question and don't write (or say) ANYTHING that ICE could use against you. Because they will. It's their job.
posted by workerant at 11:23 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My now-husband and I found ourselves in the same situation. We'd been dating for four years and had lived together for about 9 months by the time we decided to get married, but we were younger than you. We wanted to get married within a few years, but as EmpressCallipygos said, the timing just got moved up.
The timing issue was no secret to our close friends, so at a casual get-together one night, we told them about our plan to get married by eloping to the Big Apple. Everyone was excited and happy for us, with the exception of one friend who acted like I'd just told her someone died. At the time it really hurt that she was acting like my "quickie marriage" was something to be sad and ashamed about, but I came to realize that she would have reacted the same way no matter what our reason for marrying. She had been dating her boyfriend for longer, and was not shy about expressing her opinion that our relationship was less valid than theirs.
Looking back, I think she was just very insecure about her not-so-healthy relationship and possibly jealous that I was going to beat her to the altar (for some women, this is a Thing, not that I will ever understand it). I've since cut her out of my life, for that and other reasons.
Be prepared for the chance that some of your friends may react badly out of insecurity about the progress of their own relationships towards marriage. Let them take time to process it, give them space if they are feeling upset. But don't feel like your engagement announcement needs to be quiet and apologetic, and don't give in to any suggestions that you haven't been together long enough to be married (1.5 years is a perfectly normal length of time for a couple to decide to commit to each other). This is a happy time for you and your fiance, and you deserve to celebrate. Enjoy every bit of excitement from the friends and family who cheer on the marriage. Congratulations!
posted by keep it under cover at 11:25 AM on November 7, 2014
The timing issue was no secret to our close friends, so at a casual get-together one night, we told them about our plan to get married by eloping to the Big Apple. Everyone was excited and happy for us, with the exception of one friend who acted like I'd just told her someone died. At the time it really hurt that she was acting like my "quickie marriage" was something to be sad and ashamed about, but I came to realize that she would have reacted the same way no matter what our reason for marrying. She had been dating her boyfriend for longer, and was not shy about expressing her opinion that our relationship was less valid than theirs.
Looking back, I think she was just very insecure about her not-so-healthy relationship and possibly jealous that I was going to beat her to the altar (for some women, this is a Thing, not that I will ever understand it). I've since cut her out of my life, for that and other reasons.
Be prepared for the chance that some of your friends may react badly out of insecurity about the progress of their own relationships towards marriage. Let them take time to process it, give them space if they are feeling upset. But don't feel like your engagement announcement needs to be quiet and apologetic, and don't give in to any suggestions that you haven't been together long enough to be married (1.5 years is a perfectly normal length of time for a couple to decide to commit to each other). This is a happy time for you and your fiance, and you deserve to celebrate. Enjoy every bit of excitement from the friends and family who cheer on the marriage. Congratulations!
posted by keep it under cover at 11:25 AM on November 7, 2014
Best answer: To address an aspect that's getting less commentary - definitely OK to email your friends about it and then talk to them about it later, telling them that you're doing a small courthouse wedding.
I have some friends who are very private people and did not tell me they were having a wedding (or getting married, to be more precise, since they also did informal/courthouse things with few/no people invited), and, although I wasn't in a situation where I was dying to be married at the time, I was quite sad that they didn't feel comfortable talking to me before the fact about it. I really believe most friends would love to know about this and would in fact be disappointed if you downplayed it or purposefully avoided the subject with them… I mean, obviously rubbing the wedding thing in their face and being a bridezilla probably would turn them off, but telling them you're having a tiny courthouse wedding and you aren't too wrapped up in making it a big occasion - I don't think this is something you should be feeling guilty about at all.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:31 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
I have some friends who are very private people and did not tell me they were having a wedding (or getting married, to be more precise, since they also did informal/courthouse things with few/no people invited), and, although I wasn't in a situation where I was dying to be married at the time, I was quite sad that they didn't feel comfortable talking to me before the fact about it. I really believe most friends would love to know about this and would in fact be disappointed if you downplayed it or purposefully avoided the subject with them… I mean, obviously rubbing the wedding thing in their face and being a bridezilla probably would turn them off, but telling them you're having a tiny courthouse wedding and you aren't too wrapped up in making it a big occasion - I don't think this is something you should be feeling guilty about at all.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:31 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
My friend did this same thing for the same exact reason. I was not insulted, bothered or even thought twice about not being invited to the courthouse wedding or the reasoning behind it. They are still together nearly 10 years later. Tell your parents to stop what they are doing and do a small announcement on facebook. Definitely do not write down anywhere your reasoning for the marriage - it could get you both in hot water.
posted by Toddles at 12:14 PM on November 7, 2014
posted by Toddles at 12:14 PM on November 7, 2014
My husband and I were dating for four and a half months before we decided that we wanted to be together. To do so, we had to marry for immigration reasons.
We chose to do a proper wedding due to his large family. We organized a church wedding for 150+ people with full reception in four and a half months. We married nine months after we met.
Every single person at that wedding reception was nothing but happy for us and we got nothing but congratulations on the wedding. Nobody looked askance at the timing, and ours was a really fast engagement compared to yours.
As we are both Canadian citizens we went through the US employment based green card process together. My husband came to the US on a TD visa derived from my TN working status. We received no questions at any time regarding the veracity of our marriage throughout the immigration process. We both got our green cards.
We have been happily married for nine years. The quick wedding worked out great! If you want to get married, just go for it. People will be happy for you.
posted by crazycanuck at 12:27 PM on November 7, 2014
We chose to do a proper wedding due to his large family. We organized a church wedding for 150+ people with full reception in four and a half months. We married nine months after we met.
Every single person at that wedding reception was nothing but happy for us and we got nothing but congratulations on the wedding. Nobody looked askance at the timing, and ours was a really fast engagement compared to yours.
As we are both Canadian citizens we went through the US employment based green card process together. My husband came to the US on a TD visa derived from my TN working status. We received no questions at any time regarding the veracity of our marriage throughout the immigration process. We both got our green cards.
We have been happily married for nine years. The quick wedding worked out great! If you want to get married, just go for it. People will be happy for you.
posted by crazycanuck at 12:27 PM on November 7, 2014
Best answer: 1. 1.5 years isn't a short amount of time, at all. Depending on your age, it's getting on towards the amount of time by which many people would need to either figure out a next step or let go. I certainly knew I'd be marrying my now-husband by the time we'd cohabited for 6 months.
2. Your friends who would like to be married should be happy for you. Plus, now you are off the market and in a position to invite them to meet your husband's single friends. Yay.
3. Don't let the visa issue make you feel less happy about having found your forever guy. And by the way, not dating much before you get married takes NOTHING away from a happy marriage. I hadn't dated much either, but I knew my husband was the one for me when we met, and lack of much dating experience on my end hasn't been any kind of issue.
4. Let your parents be happy. It is a happy occasion! It's ok to be happy your own way, and say "hey I'm a private person, let's keep this in the family" but consider that your parents love you and are delighted that you are marrying this nice guy (as a parent, I can tell you that among my fears is the one where my girls end up with bad news guys.) They're relieved, let them enjoy it.
5. Congratulations and enjoy!
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:46 PM on November 7, 2014
2. Your friends who would like to be married should be happy for you. Plus, now you are off the market and in a position to invite them to meet your husband's single friends. Yay.
3. Don't let the visa issue make you feel less happy about having found your forever guy. And by the way, not dating much before you get married takes NOTHING away from a happy marriage. I hadn't dated much either, but I knew my husband was the one for me when we met, and lack of much dating experience on my end hasn't been any kind of issue.
4. Let your parents be happy. It is a happy occasion! It's ok to be happy your own way, and say "hey I'm a private person, let's keep this in the family" but consider that your parents love you and are delighted that you are marrying this nice guy (as a parent, I can tell you that among my fears is the one where my girls end up with bad news guys.) They're relieved, let them enjoy it.
5. Congratulations and enjoy!
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:46 PM on November 7, 2014
Best answer: I did the exact same thing for the same reason on a similar timeline. You sound a lot like me too... Private, introverted, etc. We had a very small wedding (30 people) so it would uh... Look real. Or rather not look fake. If not for the visa issue we probably would have eloped.
Honestly, I think being A BRIDE under any circumstances would have made me uncomfortable. I just hate being the centre of attention. I've had three friends get married since then in more normal ceremonies with 100+ people and they both feel kinda weird about the whole bride thing too. One loved our teeny tiny nothing wedding because it gave her permission to do the same. This is all to say don't fret - people will understand!
I think you're doing it just right - using a legal process to confirm what already exists and ensure you can stay together. Those movie couples where the proposal is a surprise and being married changes things? Scary. We may be more practical than romantic, but it works.
I got my visa, my permanent residency, we've been happily married 6.5 years and just had a baby (who is lots of work, but a delight). The couple next door to us are Canadian-Australian and eloped.
You're fine.
Feel free to memail me, esp if you need to vent about your family ;)
posted by jrobin276 at 2:45 PM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I think being A BRIDE under any circumstances would have made me uncomfortable. I just hate being the centre of attention. I've had three friends get married since then in more normal ceremonies with 100+ people and they both feel kinda weird about the whole bride thing too. One loved our teeny tiny nothing wedding because it gave her permission to do the same. This is all to say don't fret - people will understand!
I think you're doing it just right - using a legal process to confirm what already exists and ensure you can stay together. Those movie couples where the proposal is a surprise and being married changes things? Scary. We may be more practical than romantic, but it works.
I got my visa, my permanent residency, we've been happily married 6.5 years and just had a baby (who is lots of work, but a delight). The couple next door to us are Canadian-Australian and eloped.
You're fine.
Feel free to memail me, esp if you need to vent about your family ;)
posted by jrobin276 at 2:45 PM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
My husband and I got married after dating almost exactly a year and a half. It was a courthouse wedding and the only people there were our parents. Because that's what we wanted. End of story. No further explanation necessary.
posted by amro at 4:18 PM on November 7, 2014
posted by amro at 4:18 PM on November 7, 2014
Response by poster: Thank you all very much for your help. I really appreciate all of it.
posted by swamp rocket at 7:45 AM on November 8, 2014
posted by swamp rocket at 7:45 AM on November 8, 2014
Best answer: I've been practicing immigration law in the US for nine years. See an immigration lawyer before you do this. It will ALL BE FINE I expect, but you need to cross your t's and dot your i's in advance and you'll want to pay an immigration lawyer in advance.
You are getting some terribly inaccurate advice here. Anyone talking about INS (which was eliminated in 2003), and ICE (which will only come into play if USCIS thinks you have committed marriage fraud, because ICE investigates most federal crimes and deports people who are ineligible to remain in the US) should do some reading on the structure and history of the Department of Homeland Security, and its three immigration-related components, USCIS, ICE, and CBP. State also plays a role in immigration (issuance of some visas). They should also read up on ICE's immigration enforcement priorities under the Obama Administration which are all google-able and were issued by then Director Morton. (The focus on national security threats and convicted felons primarily.)
See a lawyer. It will be expensive but not super insanely expensive.
As for your wedding, my advice is to forget the immigration aspect and have the wedding you would want if the visa wasn't part of this. But do think of your family - they love you and this is exciting for them. I have friends who eloped for visa purposes and I am still sad I couldn't be there to share their joy with them they way they were for me.
posted by semacd at 9:42 AM on November 8, 2014
You are getting some terribly inaccurate advice here. Anyone talking about INS (which was eliminated in 2003), and ICE (which will only come into play if USCIS thinks you have committed marriage fraud, because ICE investigates most federal crimes and deports people who are ineligible to remain in the US) should do some reading on the structure and history of the Department of Homeland Security, and its three immigration-related components, USCIS, ICE, and CBP. State also plays a role in immigration (issuance of some visas). They should also read up on ICE's immigration enforcement priorities under the Obama Administration which are all google-able and were issued by then Director Morton. (The focus on national security threats and convicted felons primarily.)
See a lawyer. It will be expensive but not super insanely expensive.
As for your wedding, my advice is to forget the immigration aspect and have the wedding you would want if the visa wasn't part of this. But do think of your family - they love you and this is exciting for them. I have friends who eloped for visa purposes and I am still sad I couldn't be there to share their joy with them they way they were for me.
posted by semacd at 9:42 AM on November 8, 2014
Response by poster: Thanks very much for answering! We have an appointment to talk to an immigration lawyer on Tuesday.
posted by swamp rocket at 1:02 PM on November 9, 2014
posted by swamp rocket at 1:02 PM on November 9, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
Look up the average cost of a wedding and think of all the other neat things you can now spend that money on instead. That should get you over the "but I didn't have a REAL wedding" baggage pretty quick.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:55 AM on November 7, 2014 [21 favorites]