Abusive parents still blame me
October 23, 2014 2:20 PM Subscribe
My parents were abusive and awful. I recently tried to get back in touch out of a misplaced hope for connection. They blame me (!?) for making them look bad, among other things, and want me to apologize. What should I do?
My parents were abusive and I left home at a young age. I haven't talked with them (except a polite hello at family gatherings) for about 10 years. Recently, I felt a sense of hope and nostalgia and thought I would get in touch. They're getting older, it's been a long time, other family members have passed on, etc. -- so I thought I would try to connect. I'm also engaged and wanted to talk with them (and reconcile, at least superficially) before the wedding.
When I reached out to them, I got back this long screed with 8 points itemizing how I hurt their feelings, mostly by making them look bad (which I did NOT do) and not acknowledging how great they are. They've demanded an apology for this stuff before, which I made at that time because I needed some family legal paperwork from them and they would not give it unless I apologized. But they are at it again and want *another* apology. For some reason.
What galls me is that they have never apologized for the serious medical, financial, physical, and emotional abuse I suffered. It eats me up inside with bitterness.
I guess I have a few questions:
- I'm really angry. How dare they ask me for an apology for making them look bad when they caused actual, physical harm to me? How do I deal with these feelings?
- I have already decided they are not going to my wedding, but I hate that I always have to explain this to people (like my future in-laws). How do you deal with that kind of situation?
- There will be a family reunion with many family members for the holidays this year. I will see them. My plan is to be polite but distant. Any other ideas?
- Any other words of wisdom?
My parents were abusive and I left home at a young age. I haven't talked with them (except a polite hello at family gatherings) for about 10 years. Recently, I felt a sense of hope and nostalgia and thought I would get in touch. They're getting older, it's been a long time, other family members have passed on, etc. -- so I thought I would try to connect. I'm also engaged and wanted to talk with them (and reconcile, at least superficially) before the wedding.
When I reached out to them, I got back this long screed with 8 points itemizing how I hurt their feelings, mostly by making them look bad (which I did NOT do) and not acknowledging how great they are. They've demanded an apology for this stuff before, which I made at that time because I needed some family legal paperwork from them and they would not give it unless I apologized. But they are at it again and want *another* apology. For some reason.
What galls me is that they have never apologized for the serious medical, financial, physical, and emotional abuse I suffered. It eats me up inside with bitterness.
I guess I have a few questions:
- I'm really angry. How dare they ask me for an apology for making them look bad when they caused actual, physical harm to me? How do I deal with these feelings?
- I have already decided they are not going to my wedding, but I hate that I always have to explain this to people (like my future in-laws). How do you deal with that kind of situation?
- There will be a family reunion with many family members for the holidays this year. I will see them. My plan is to be polite but distant. Any other ideas?
- Any other words of wisdom?
It totally sucks that you're dealing with this. But the thing about abusive people is they're abusive. They are always going to put their own interest ahead of yours, which is total crap from parents. It's ridiculous for them to want you to apologize. Good parents would wonder why you were hurt. You can't reason with them logically, so don't bother trying. It's total crap that they suck, but just go back to cut ties. Do not engage as much as humanly possibly while living your life. No good will come from any contact.
posted by Kalmya at 2:27 PM on October 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Kalmya at 2:27 PM on October 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
I think you have to draw a line down the middle. On one side: you want everything to be okay, you want them to make everything okay. You deserve it, and it is a reasonable thing to want.
On the other side: they are broken people who don't work right. It's not "were" abusive, it's "are" abusive. Today. It doesn't go away like a cold. They live in the narrative they constructed, and they are not sorry so they are not going to apologize. It is irrational to expect a different result from them. Expecting it is 100% setting yourself up to be hurt again.
I think it's important for you to talk to yourself (and your therapist) about why you thought you would get a different answer this time. You can't control them, and it's important that you internalize that because it's part of not setting yourself up for extra pain.
It's time to put them as far out of your life as you are able, so that you can heal and leave them to follow whatever path they are on. Obviously you don't invite them to the wedding and you tell anyone who asks that you don't have a relationship with them.
I don't know your reasons for going to the family reunion, but if it's because you think they might change and say all the things you ache to hear them say, that's a bad reason to go. If you are determined to see other people there despite your parents, then you just have to pretend they are far distant cousins you don't particularly care for.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:30 PM on October 23, 2014 [18 favorites]
On the other side: they are broken people who don't work right. It's not "were" abusive, it's "are" abusive. Today. It doesn't go away like a cold. They live in the narrative they constructed, and they are not sorry so they are not going to apologize. It is irrational to expect a different result from them. Expecting it is 100% setting yourself up to be hurt again.
I think it's important for you to talk to yourself (and your therapist) about why you thought you would get a different answer this time. You can't control them, and it's important that you internalize that because it's part of not setting yourself up for extra pain.
It's time to put them as far out of your life as you are able, so that you can heal and leave them to follow whatever path they are on. Obviously you don't invite them to the wedding and you tell anyone who asks that you don't have a relationship with them.
I don't know your reasons for going to the family reunion, but if it's because you think they might change and say all the things you ache to hear them say, that's a bad reason to go. If you are determined to see other people there despite your parents, then you just have to pretend they are far distant cousins you don't particularly care for.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:30 PM on October 23, 2014 [18 favorites]
I'm sorry you're going through this. My boyfriend has also had to cut his parents out of his life (his father is a terrible human being, the less said about this the better, and his mother supports/defends the father's actions). He deals with his feelings by talking to me or to his brother who has also completely ended his relationship with the parents; that particular brother deals with this with a therapist, which might be helpful to you, if you don't have siblings you can talk to or don't want to discuss this with your SO. As far as your in-laws are concerned, when we got together, I explained to my mother why he had no contact with his parents, and she apparently quietly passed it on to other family members who needed to know, as I have never been asked about it and we've been together for several years. The boyfriend tells new acquaintances/coworkers who ask about it that his parents are deceased.
If the reunion is going to make you uncomfortable, I'd either skip it or be nearby and have someone text you when your parents leave, at which point you can arrive. This sucks, and it's not your fault; your parents were abusive and remain abusive, it's just gone from physical to emotional. Stay strong, friend.
posted by jabes at 2:31 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
If the reunion is going to make you uncomfortable, I'd either skip it or be nearby and have someone text you when your parents leave, at which point you can arrive. This sucks, and it's not your fault; your parents were abusive and remain abusive, it's just gone from physical to emotional. Stay strong, friend.
posted by jabes at 2:31 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
They dare because they have constructed a completely different history to the reality you lived and live in. Even if you could disassemble this structure, they would then expect you to take care of them as they came to grips with the consequences of their actions against you. But there are two of them, which puts the odds against you that they will ever come around - they each have incentive to dissuade the other if it starts to look like they'll stop denying your reality.
I am very sorry. Life as a survivor of family abuse is pretty unfair. People aren't entitled to your history, and it is totally okay (and not impolite) to say you are estranged from your family of origin and to decline to share details even if pressed, even if the person pressing you is doing so out of concern and/or love.
posted by gingerest at 2:34 PM on October 23, 2014 [25 favorites]
I am very sorry. Life as a survivor of family abuse is pretty unfair. People aren't entitled to your history, and it is totally okay (and not impolite) to say you are estranged from your family of origin and to decline to share details even if pressed, even if the person pressing you is doing so out of concern and/or love.
posted by gingerest at 2:34 PM on October 23, 2014 [25 favorites]
Cut them off again (no need to explain or let them know) and then be civil but distant to them at gatherings where you both are present. Even that is generous. They're toxic and emotionally sick. It's quite unlikely that they'll change at this point. Doing some therapy around this wouldn't be the worst idea.
As for your in-laws, if you choose to share more details with them, you can explain that you grew up in a very dysfunctional/abusive situation and that you've attempted reconciliations, but were unsuccessful because your parents were not willing. Or, you can just say that you're estranged. No one is entitled to details and it's not impolite to tell someone, "I prefer not to discuss it, it's very painful." If anyone pushes you, have your partner deal with putting them in their place.
It's awful that you have to deal with this and it's natural and legitimate to feel bitter and angry. Participating in abuse survivors groups and/or therapy can be very helpful in diminishing how much those thoughts and feelings intrude into your new life. Good luck and congratulations on your engagement. Creating a new family and celebrating that with your chosen family can be very healing
posted by quince at 2:39 PM on October 23, 2014 [5 favorites]
As for your in-laws, if you choose to share more details with them, you can explain that you grew up in a very dysfunctional/abusive situation and that you've attempted reconciliations, but were unsuccessful because your parents were not willing. Or, you can just say that you're estranged. No one is entitled to details and it's not impolite to tell someone, "I prefer not to discuss it, it's very painful." If anyone pushes you, have your partner deal with putting them in their place.
It's awful that you have to deal with this and it's natural and legitimate to feel bitter and angry. Participating in abuse survivors groups and/or therapy can be very helpful in diminishing how much those thoughts and feelings intrude into your new life. Good luck and congratulations on your engagement. Creating a new family and celebrating that with your chosen family can be very healing
posted by quince at 2:39 PM on October 23, 2014 [5 favorites]
I think you should go back to being out of touch, without any explanation to them because, as they've shown, nothing will satisfy them.
It's nobody's business.
Any direct "why" questions don't require more than a vague slippery response. Someone I know uses variations on "it's difficult" in a way that allows people to think that health problems/money/other commitments are why parents won't be at graduation, wedding, baby's first birthday party, and so forth.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:02 PM on October 23, 2014 [5 favorites]
It's nobody's business.
Any direct "why" questions don't require more than a vague slippery response. Someone I know uses variations on "it's difficult" in a way that allows people to think that health problems/money/other commitments are why parents won't be at graduation, wedding, baby's first birthday party, and so forth.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:02 PM on October 23, 2014 [5 favorites]
It's human to feel anger but continuous anger can be destructive. Deal with your feelings of anger with a professional mental health counselor. If you're getting married, kids may be in your future, and nothing messes up a kid more when their parent has unresolved rage. It can damage a marriage as well. You'll continue the cycle no matter how much you think you won't.
I had abuse in my childhood. I am not estranged from my parents. I'm not saying you shouldn't be (all situations are unique). There are some things that I've forgiven and some things that I understand. I understand that my parents had it worse than I did. I understand that they were very young. I understand that even though they behaved badly, sometimes I did too (as an adult). It doesn't excuse their behavior. I have a very realistic view of my parents. They're no longer abusive and there were some good things when growing up. They did want the best for me and they do love me. They have a lot of self-absorption going on, but that goes with alcoholism and co-dependency. They have a lot of good qualities -- hard working, kind to animals and most people, they're not whiners and they're not petty or mean-spririted people. My dad had issues and he was abusive, but he has mellowed and I have finally let it go. They are not perfect. They will never be the supportive parents that I think I should have but I try to take the good and forget the bad.
For a long time I was angry and stuck and it just about destroyed my life. I was crazy and I wish that I had the knowledge and the ability to let it go sooner. How about your parents? What are their good qualities? You may not see it now because you're angry. Was there good stuff growing up or was it a continuous nightmare? You don't have to apologize to them, but thinking of their good points it may make you less bitter. Do it for yourself. Be very realistic and honest about your childhood.
Another thing that makes me less bitter and mentally sane is running. Run and exercise and sweat. I can get myself worked up over some selfish thing my mother is doing but then I run and the endorphins come out. I run and focus on my husband and kids and forget about it. You are going to have hard days if you do or don't have a relationship with your parents. Remind yourself that yes, that happened, that sucked but life doesn't suck now. Accept the bad moments that we all have as a part of life, feel the pain, feel sad, and move on.
If they are out of your life, the best thing to do is tell the truth. Tell your in-laws the truth about your difficult relationship. "I have a difficult relationship with my parents. I left when I was young and I don't speak to them much." There is no shame in the truth and you're not flawed if you don't have a relationship with your parents. We can't control our biological family or our upbringing. It is what it is. Don't let your childhood affect your adult life. Live in honesty, and without fear or shame. Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 3:02 PM on October 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
I had abuse in my childhood. I am not estranged from my parents. I'm not saying you shouldn't be (all situations are unique). There are some things that I've forgiven and some things that I understand. I understand that my parents had it worse than I did. I understand that they were very young. I understand that even though they behaved badly, sometimes I did too (as an adult). It doesn't excuse their behavior. I have a very realistic view of my parents. They're no longer abusive and there were some good things when growing up. They did want the best for me and they do love me. They have a lot of self-absorption going on, but that goes with alcoholism and co-dependency. They have a lot of good qualities -- hard working, kind to animals and most people, they're not whiners and they're not petty or mean-spririted people. My dad had issues and he was abusive, but he has mellowed and I have finally let it go. They are not perfect. They will never be the supportive parents that I think I should have but I try to take the good and forget the bad.
For a long time I was angry and stuck and it just about destroyed my life. I was crazy and I wish that I had the knowledge and the ability to let it go sooner. How about your parents? What are their good qualities? You may not see it now because you're angry. Was there good stuff growing up or was it a continuous nightmare? You don't have to apologize to them, but thinking of their good points it may make you less bitter. Do it for yourself. Be very realistic and honest about your childhood.
Another thing that makes me less bitter and mentally sane is running. Run and exercise and sweat. I can get myself worked up over some selfish thing my mother is doing but then I run and the endorphins come out. I run and focus on my husband and kids and forget about it. You are going to have hard days if you do or don't have a relationship with your parents. Remind yourself that yes, that happened, that sucked but life doesn't suck now. Accept the bad moments that we all have as a part of life, feel the pain, feel sad, and move on.
If they are out of your life, the best thing to do is tell the truth. Tell your in-laws the truth about your difficult relationship. "I have a difficult relationship with my parents. I left when I was young and I don't speak to them much." There is no shame in the truth and you're not flawed if you don't have a relationship with your parents. We can't control our biological family or our upbringing. It is what it is. Don't let your childhood affect your adult life. Live in honesty, and without fear or shame. Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 3:02 PM on October 23, 2014 [3 favorites]
I last spoke to my father 25 years ago when I was a teenager. I knew that if I kept him in my life, the abuse that had defined my childhood and adolescence would continue into adulthood, so I cut him out of my life completely. Absolutely. The last time I ran into my father was at my younger brother's funeral and he didn't recognize me. He shook my hand as though I were a stranger. So that's my story. This is my advice:
First of all, you don't owe anyone an explanation about anything. If you feel you must say something, just say, "We are estranged," when directly asked. As you become closer to your in-laws, you might give (or allow your spouse to give) some explanation. "There was abuse involved," can be enough. Most people don't want to know the gory details.
Also: You get to be angry. Be as angry as you want to be about this. You deserve to be angry, so be angry. Be angry and vengeful and filled with hate even. (I used to tell people that asked about my father that if someone set him on fire, I wouldn't cross the street to spit on him.) But when you get tired of that, go see a therapist to move past the anger and all the rest of the negative junk. (But here's the thing: If you decide to cut your parents out of your life completely--and I think you absolutely should--don't let the therapist (or anyone, really) try to guilt trip you into reversing that course of action.) Besides therapy, something that helped me to become a former anger junkie was a therapist telling me that anger is often covering other more basic emotions--sadness, for example, or hurt. If you can admit that you are sad about this situation and hurt by your parents past and recent actions, that might move you forward faster than anger will. But anger has its uses, too.
Finally, if you really need to contact your parents for paperwork and such, it might help to hire a lawyer to act on your behalf. (I went through something similar; I ended up paying for college out of my own pocket because I couldn't get financial aid without my father's financial information and I wasn't going to ask him for a damned thing. In the case of a cousin who is estranged from his family, he deals strictly through lawyers for these kinds of things.)
You are important and worth safe-guarding from further abuse. Take care of yourself.
posted by GoLikeHellMachine at 3:34 PM on October 23, 2014 [11 favorites]
First of all, you don't owe anyone an explanation about anything. If you feel you must say something, just say, "We are estranged," when directly asked. As you become closer to your in-laws, you might give (or allow your spouse to give) some explanation. "There was abuse involved," can be enough. Most people don't want to know the gory details.
Also: You get to be angry. Be as angry as you want to be about this. You deserve to be angry, so be angry. Be angry and vengeful and filled with hate even. (I used to tell people that asked about my father that if someone set him on fire, I wouldn't cross the street to spit on him.) But when you get tired of that, go see a therapist to move past the anger and all the rest of the negative junk. (But here's the thing: If you decide to cut your parents out of your life completely--and I think you absolutely should--don't let the therapist (or anyone, really) try to guilt trip you into reversing that course of action.) Besides therapy, something that helped me to become a former anger junkie was a therapist telling me that anger is often covering other more basic emotions--sadness, for example, or hurt. If you can admit that you are sad about this situation and hurt by your parents past and recent actions, that might move you forward faster than anger will. But anger has its uses, too.
Finally, if you really need to contact your parents for paperwork and such, it might help to hire a lawyer to act on your behalf. (I went through something similar; I ended up paying for college out of my own pocket because I couldn't get financial aid without my father's financial information and I wasn't going to ask him for a damned thing. In the case of a cousin who is estranged from his family, he deals strictly through lawyers for these kinds of things.)
You are important and worth safe-guarding from further abuse. Take care of yourself.
posted by GoLikeHellMachine at 3:34 PM on October 23, 2014 [11 favorites]
They blame me (!?) for making them look bad, among other things, and want me to apologize. What should I do?
If I were you, I would tell them to go fuck themselves.
- I'm really angry. How dare they ask me for an apology for making them look bad when they caused actual, physical harm to me? How do I deal with these feelings?
In your position, I would tell them to go fuck themselves, and explain why you are angry - get it off your chest. It won't change their minds, but it may make you feel better. I would suggest doing this in a letter or email, so you can compose your thoughts. Then cut off contact again; they don't deserve the opportunity to respond, and you shouldn't give it to them. There was a reason you cut off contact for 10 years, and those reasons do not appear to have changed.
Also, and I know it's a cliche, but working through these kinds of feelings is exactly the kind of thing a counselor or therapist could help with. An impartial person to whom to vent could be helpful, and they could suggests strategies to help you deal with your feelings.
- I have already decided they are not going to my wedding, but I hate that I always have to explain this to people (like my future in-laws). How do you deal with that kind of situation?
"My parents and I don't have a good relationship. We don't speak anymore. I would prefer not to talk about it."
You don't owe anyone else an explanation.
- Any other words of wisdom?
Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do to make this easier for you.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:50 PM on October 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
If I were you, I would tell them to go fuck themselves.
- I'm really angry. How dare they ask me for an apology for making them look bad when they caused actual, physical harm to me? How do I deal with these feelings?
In your position, I would tell them to go fuck themselves, and explain why you are angry - get it off your chest. It won't change their minds, but it may make you feel better. I would suggest doing this in a letter or email, so you can compose your thoughts. Then cut off contact again; they don't deserve the opportunity to respond, and you shouldn't give it to them. There was a reason you cut off contact for 10 years, and those reasons do not appear to have changed.
Also, and I know it's a cliche, but working through these kinds of feelings is exactly the kind of thing a counselor or therapist could help with. An impartial person to whom to vent could be helpful, and they could suggests strategies to help you deal with your feelings.
- I have already decided they are not going to my wedding, but I hate that I always have to explain this to people (like my future in-laws). How do you deal with that kind of situation?
"My parents and I don't have a good relationship. We don't speak anymore. I would prefer not to talk about it."
You don't owe anyone else an explanation.
- Any other words of wisdom?
Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do to make this easier for you.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:50 PM on October 23, 2014 [2 favorites]
I cut my abusive father off in 2000. On the rare occasions when it comes up, I just say "I'm not in contact with my father." I haven't had anyone press for information beyond that -- if they did, I would just repeat that I am not in contact with my father, for personal reasons.
(In the case of my in-laws, who I love dearly -- they never asked me directly. They did ask my husband about it, because they had noticed that I only ever talk about my mom, and because it was clear that I wasn't involving my father in any of our wedding plans. My husband and I talked about it, and I told him what I was comfortable with him sharing with his family, and he explained things to them. They understood, and haven't brought it up since.)
posted by sarcasticah at 3:53 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
(In the case of my in-laws, who I love dearly -- they never asked me directly. They did ask my husband about it, because they had noticed that I only ever talk about my mom, and because it was clear that I wasn't involving my father in any of our wedding plans. My husband and I talked about it, and I told him what I was comfortable with him sharing with his family, and he explained things to them. They understood, and haven't brought it up since.)
posted by sarcasticah at 3:53 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think obviously these people suck and you don't need them in your life. Build a family you love of your choosing, whether it's other extended family, friends, in-laws, or your own family. You don't need these toxic people to feel a complete sense of family.
As for how to react, I think you have to decide what will make you feel better. You can say nothing and just go back to pretending they don't exist, which may be the easiest route. Or you can write them a letter about how they don't get it and how much they've hurt you. I imagine you don't want to hear from them ever again, so if you do respond to them, you are going to have to make it clear you are not interested in any sort of follow up from them -- but they may choose to ignore that and respond to you anyway. How willing are you to endure the possibility to tell them exactly how you feel and they still are insensitive to it? Would it be better to just decide you've learned you lesson and go back to avoiding them?
If you can be at a point where you can be polite and distant in the same room as them, that's great. Maybe you won't want to respond to them then and blow things up. Maybe opening up old wounds will change that. I know for me, I've avoided any family gatherings where my dad has been and it's been a burden. It's created a situation where I miss out on stuff, or my family feels caught in the middle of wanting to include me vs. wanting to include him.
As far how you explain it, I'm not sure you really need to. I haven't spoken to my dad in a really long time and if I talk about going "home" or seeing my family, I talk about my mom, or my siblings, etc. No one has ever said, "Why don't you mention your dad?" or "Where's your dad?" But if anyone ever did, I would just say he's not part of my life or something along those lines. It's no one's business and no one will ask. If something comes up and I happen to mention my dad, it's always past tense and related to the past. By the way I have mentioned him, maybe people think he's dead, which would be about the same thing to me anyway.
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:32 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
As for how to react, I think you have to decide what will make you feel better. You can say nothing and just go back to pretending they don't exist, which may be the easiest route. Or you can write them a letter about how they don't get it and how much they've hurt you. I imagine you don't want to hear from them ever again, so if you do respond to them, you are going to have to make it clear you are not interested in any sort of follow up from them -- but they may choose to ignore that and respond to you anyway. How willing are you to endure the possibility to tell them exactly how you feel and they still are insensitive to it? Would it be better to just decide you've learned you lesson and go back to avoiding them?
If you can be at a point where you can be polite and distant in the same room as them, that's great. Maybe you won't want to respond to them then and blow things up. Maybe opening up old wounds will change that. I know for me, I've avoided any family gatherings where my dad has been and it's been a burden. It's created a situation where I miss out on stuff, or my family feels caught in the middle of wanting to include me vs. wanting to include him.
As far how you explain it, I'm not sure you really need to. I haven't spoken to my dad in a really long time and if I talk about going "home" or seeing my family, I talk about my mom, or my siblings, etc. No one has ever said, "Why don't you mention your dad?" or "Where's your dad?" But if anyone ever did, I would just say he's not part of my life or something along those lines. It's no one's business and no one will ask. If something comes up and I happen to mention my dad, it's always past tense and related to the past. By the way I have mentioned him, maybe people think he's dead, which would be about the same thing to me anyway.
posted by AppleTurnover at 6:32 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
You were your parents' scapegoat as a child. From your description, they show traits associated with narcissism. It's a disease - not something that goes away. That's why the deck was stacked against you as a kid, and good for you for getting out from under that. Your survival instincts removed you from the possibility of further harm. Now you're at a stage where you're mourning the fact that you never had the kind of loving support from your family that you desperately needed. You're at a position of wisdom and strength right now. You can look at what happened to you in the cold light of day. It's sinking in how awful it was, and the worst thing is that you can't change it. You'll never have the parents you deserved to have. There really is such a thing as too late. Our culture of denial and optimism doesn't offer much support for this kind of pain, but you can get through this.
My parents were a lot like yours - therapy saved me, and so did reading about family relationships and dysfunctional ones in particular. Some helpful online resources -
Adult children of narcissistic parents
And a book I've re-read quite a bit -
If You Had Controlling Parents
Good luck, and it will get better!
posted by cartoonella at 6:34 PM on October 23, 2014 [5 favorites]
My parents were a lot like yours - therapy saved me, and so did reading about family relationships and dysfunctional ones in particular. Some helpful online resources -
Adult children of narcissistic parents
And a book I've re-read quite a bit -
If You Had Controlling Parents
Good luck, and it will get better!
posted by cartoonella at 6:34 PM on October 23, 2014 [5 favorites]
3491again: "I have already decided they are not going to my wedding, but I hate that I always have to explain this to people (like my future in-laws). How do you deal with that kind of situation?"
You can ask your partner to quietly inform his family of the situation -- that you are estranged from your parents, that it's painful for you, and that you don't want to talk about it -- and assuming they are reasonably cool people, this will not only let them know it's a sensitive subject they should avoid, but it will gain you allies who at wedding-related events will help run interference for you if other people get nosy or a conversation gets awkward.
I do think for the part where it is "eating you up" with bitterness, you should seek some therapy or spiritual counseling -- it sounds like this is still a very active pain for you that would benefit from "bleeding off" some of the pain and bitterness to a trained, sympathetic listener.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:37 PM on October 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
You can ask your partner to quietly inform his family of the situation -- that you are estranged from your parents, that it's painful for you, and that you don't want to talk about it -- and assuming they are reasonably cool people, this will not only let them know it's a sensitive subject they should avoid, but it will gain you allies who at wedding-related events will help run interference for you if other people get nosy or a conversation gets awkward.
I do think for the part where it is "eating you up" with bitterness, you should seek some therapy or spiritual counseling -- it sounds like this is still a very active pain for you that would benefit from "bleeding off" some of the pain and bitterness to a trained, sympathetic listener.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:37 PM on October 23, 2014 [4 favorites]
Dump 'em and adopt your future inlaws as your stand-in parents and bond with them instead.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:01 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 8:01 PM on October 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
- I'm really angry. How dare they ask me for an apology for making them look bad when they caused actual, physical harm to me? How do I deal with these feelings?
First, by expressing them. Scream, cry, vent to appropriate friends, take up kickboxing, pace around the living room screaming nonsense, randomly hug your fiance and tell him thank you for not being a shitcamel like the people who raised me (assuming he's not (and assuming he's a he.))
Second, by working through the expectation that your parents are ever going to take the initiative in making things right with you, or that anything you say is going to get through to them. That's clearly never going to happen. You let ten years go by and they did the exact same thing they did when you tried to get in touch with them ten years earlier. The exact same thing. That shows a level of self-delusion that's almost systematic. The only way you can deal with that is by recognizing (and pitying) the fact that it's not something that can be reasoned with. It sucks--especially since these people are supposed to be the ones looking out for you--but it's the way things are, and you're very brave and very strong to have gotten through it all with your sanity intact.
- I have already decided they are not going to my wedding, but I hate that I always have to explain this to people (like my future in-laws). How do you deal with that kind of situation?
I don't think you have as much to worry about here as it may feel like you do. Most adults, in my experience, are already aware that not everyone had sitcom-perfect parents, and when you tell them "we're not in touch" they can piece together on their own that the reasons for that probably aren't good ones. Most people won't want to know more, and hardly anyone will judge you for it. If you're more comfortable having your fiance tell your in-laws, and having them run interference for you at the wedding, that's cool. But all you really have to say to anyone who asks is "we're not in touch."
- There will be a family reunion with many family members for the holidays this year. I will see them. My plan is to be polite but distant. Any other ideas?
None better than "polite but distant." I guess, as a supplement to "polite but distant," I would add "don't get drunk."
- Any other words of wisdom?
These.
Try to smile. :) I know it hurts, but this is a happy occasion. I'm sorry it can't be perfect, but that doesn't mean it can't be great.
posted by urufu at 12:58 AM on October 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
First, by expressing them. Scream, cry, vent to appropriate friends, take up kickboxing, pace around the living room screaming nonsense, randomly hug your fiance and tell him thank you for not being a shitcamel like the people who raised me (assuming he's not (and assuming he's a he.))
Second, by working through the expectation that your parents are ever going to take the initiative in making things right with you, or that anything you say is going to get through to them. That's clearly never going to happen. You let ten years go by and they did the exact same thing they did when you tried to get in touch with them ten years earlier. The exact same thing. That shows a level of self-delusion that's almost systematic. The only way you can deal with that is by recognizing (and pitying) the fact that it's not something that can be reasoned with. It sucks--especially since these people are supposed to be the ones looking out for you--but it's the way things are, and you're very brave and very strong to have gotten through it all with your sanity intact.
- I have already decided they are not going to my wedding, but I hate that I always have to explain this to people (like my future in-laws). How do you deal with that kind of situation?
I don't think you have as much to worry about here as it may feel like you do. Most adults, in my experience, are already aware that not everyone had sitcom-perfect parents, and when you tell them "we're not in touch" they can piece together on their own that the reasons for that probably aren't good ones. Most people won't want to know more, and hardly anyone will judge you for it. If you're more comfortable having your fiance tell your in-laws, and having them run interference for you at the wedding, that's cool. But all you really have to say to anyone who asks is "we're not in touch."
- There will be a family reunion with many family members for the holidays this year. I will see them. My plan is to be polite but distant. Any other ideas?
None better than "polite but distant." I guess, as a supplement to "polite but distant," I would add "don't get drunk."
- Any other words of wisdom?
These.
Try to smile. :) I know it hurts, but this is a happy occasion. I'm sorry it can't be perfect, but that doesn't mean it can't be great.
posted by urufu at 12:58 AM on October 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've cut off my abusive parent--not because she used to be abusive, but because she still is. I am not eaten up with anger, but I've had years of therapy about it. Sometimes I struggle with impulses to reconnect. They are borne out of two things:
1) Guilt. She's mentally ill (unacknowledged) and can't help herself. I should be compassionate, right? She's also in her 70s and has no friends or family still speaking to her. I should be the dutiful daughter. Who will help her through the inevitable ravages of late life?
2) Pressure from other people. "MY parents are awful too, but I'd NEVER cut them off."
And then I remind myself of all the reasons why it's better not to have any contact. My husband helps, acting to remind me I'm less anxious, etc. there are many ways you can steel yourself for moments of weakness.
It is probably possible for you to be completely cut off forever without being eaten up with anger and bitterness. But it takes a lot of self-awareness--enough of it so that you change your expectations and your own behavior patterns. You'll also have to grieve for the good relationship it sounds like you still thought was possible when you got back in touch.
These people do not have your best interest at heart. I hope you can work through your feelings with a good therapist. I hope that in time you can, with your husband's and in-laws' help, have a low-key stock answer on hand to indicate there's estrangement and questions aren't welcome, as others above suggest. It's what I do.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:24 AM on October 24, 2014 [3 favorites]
1) Guilt. She's mentally ill (unacknowledged) and can't help herself. I should be compassionate, right? She's also in her 70s and has no friends or family still speaking to her. I should be the dutiful daughter. Who will help her through the inevitable ravages of late life?
2) Pressure from other people. "MY parents are awful too, but I'd NEVER cut them off."
And then I remind myself of all the reasons why it's better not to have any contact. My husband helps, acting to remind me I'm less anxious, etc. there are many ways you can steel yourself for moments of weakness.
It is probably possible for you to be completely cut off forever without being eaten up with anger and bitterness. But it takes a lot of self-awareness--enough of it so that you change your expectations and your own behavior patterns. You'll also have to grieve for the good relationship it sounds like you still thought was possible when you got back in touch.
These people do not have your best interest at heart. I hope you can work through your feelings with a good therapist. I hope that in time you can, with your husband's and in-laws' help, have a low-key stock answer on hand to indicate there's estrangement and questions aren't welcome, as others above suggest. It's what I do.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:24 AM on October 24, 2014 [3 favorites]
t I hate that I always have to explain this to people (like my future in-laws).
You don't have to explain anything. For most people you can just say "we're not close" (look them right in the eye and say it deliberately - every time, it's all that needs to be said).
For people like your in-laws, it will come out in due time as you get to know them.
You sound anxious and ashamed of your family situation. That's your parents talking - as though you need to justify yourself or somehow convince others that you're worthy. You don't. "We're not close" is all people need to know.
Many more people can identify with your experience than you think. Explanations aren't necessary. And you are not to blame. You have nothing to explain to anyone.
posted by headnsouth at 4:27 AM on October 24, 2014 [5 favorites]
You don't have to explain anything. For most people you can just say "we're not close" (look them right in the eye and say it deliberately - every time, it's all that needs to be said).
For people like your in-laws, it will come out in due time as you get to know them.
You sound anxious and ashamed of your family situation. That's your parents talking - as though you need to justify yourself or somehow convince others that you're worthy. You don't. "We're not close" is all people need to know.
Many more people can identify with your experience than you think. Explanations aren't necessary. And you are not to blame. You have nothing to explain to anyone.
posted by headnsouth at 4:27 AM on October 24, 2014 [5 favorites]
QFT:
"Most adults, in my experience, are already aware that not everyone had sitcom-perfect parents, and when you tell them 'we're not in touch' they can piece together on their own that the reasons for that probably aren't good ones."
Don't let worry about what people will think eat up *any* of your time, the savvy ones will get it, and those who don't and express shock or dismay (or even disapproval) are not worth worrying about getting their approval.
People are usually a bit cooler than I anticipate them being, and I think part of that is growing up with difficult people.
They sound like they, at the bare minimum, lack empathy. This is very destructive to be around; nthing distancing yourself to save yourself.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 8:07 AM on October 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
"Most adults, in my experience, are already aware that not everyone had sitcom-perfect parents, and when you tell them 'we're not in touch' they can piece together on their own that the reasons for that probably aren't good ones."
Don't let worry about what people will think eat up *any* of your time, the savvy ones will get it, and those who don't and express shock or dismay (or even disapproval) are not worth worrying about getting their approval.
People are usually a bit cooler than I anticipate them being, and I think part of that is growing up with difficult people.
They sound like they, at the bare minimum, lack empathy. This is very destructive to be around; nthing distancing yourself to save yourself.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 8:07 AM on October 24, 2014 [1 favorite]
I always regretted if I got burned, swore never to eat there again, buy there again, talk to them again or whatever and then changed my mind.
Assuming your point of view is true, then they were abusive, are abusive and will be abusive.
Let it go. Cut ties.
- I'm really angry. How dare they ask me for an apology for making them look bad when they caused actual, physical harm to me? How do I deal with these feelings?
If something is toxic in your life then you have to get it out.
- I have already decided they are not going to my wedding, but I hate that I always have to explain this to people (like my future in-laws). How do you deal with that kind of situation?
Tell them that your parents were abusive, are abusive and will be abusive and you have no interest in spending time with them.
- There will be a family reunion with many family members for the holidays this year. I will see them. My plan is to be polite but distant. Any other ideas?
Likely, it will be a bad experience.
- Any other words of wisdom?
You can not change people but you can change how you interact with them.
posted by yoyo_nyc at 9:10 AM on October 24, 2014
Assuming your point of view is true, then they were abusive, are abusive and will be abusive.
Let it go. Cut ties.
- I'm really angry. How dare they ask me for an apology for making them look bad when they caused actual, physical harm to me? How do I deal with these feelings?
If something is toxic in your life then you have to get it out.
- I have already decided they are not going to my wedding, but I hate that I always have to explain this to people (like my future in-laws). How do you deal with that kind of situation?
Tell them that your parents were abusive, are abusive and will be abusive and you have no interest in spending time with them.
- There will be a family reunion with many family members for the holidays this year. I will see them. My plan is to be polite but distant. Any other ideas?
Likely, it will be a bad experience.
- Any other words of wisdom?
You can not change people but you can change how you interact with them.
posted by yoyo_nyc at 9:10 AM on October 24, 2014
What do you hope to accomplish by going to the family reunion? Are you close with that portion of your family, did they help you when your parents wouldn't? Are these people who loved you and took care of you and provided light in your dark childhood? If so, go and only be with them.
But, if I suspect, you're going simply to go, to prove to yourself that you're okay, and that some day they'll all realize what terrible parents you have....don't go.
Perhaps this is a year you can't make it. It's too costly with the wedding coming up.
You need to start sparing yourself the anguish. Clearly your parents have not changed, nor will they change. If anything, their version of the narrative will deepen and become more ingrained.
As for discussing with other folks, keep it minimal. "I'm not in touch with my family," or "it's a difficult situation," should be enough to shut people up. If you know some insensitive people, follow up with, "I don't like to talk about it."
Give your fiance leave to tell his folks about your estrangement. That way you won't have to answer awkward questions.
It sucks, but therapy can help.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:31 AM on October 24, 2014
But, if I suspect, you're going simply to go, to prove to yourself that you're okay, and that some day they'll all realize what terrible parents you have....don't go.
Perhaps this is a year you can't make it. It's too costly with the wedding coming up.
You need to start sparing yourself the anguish. Clearly your parents have not changed, nor will they change. If anything, their version of the narrative will deepen and become more ingrained.
As for discussing with other folks, keep it minimal. "I'm not in touch with my family," or "it's a difficult situation," should be enough to shut people up. If you know some insensitive people, follow up with, "I don't like to talk about it."
Give your fiance leave to tell his folks about your estrangement. That way you won't have to answer awkward questions.
It sucks, but therapy can help.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:31 AM on October 24, 2014
- I'm really angry. How dare they ask me for an apology for making them look bad when they caused actual, physical harm to me? How do I deal with these feelings?
Reading through other AskMe threads about people who've cut off contact with their parents (or are considering whether to do so) can be tremendously helpful. The way family and parenthood are portrayed in popular culture can really ratchet up the guilt and anger for those of us whose families just don't work that way; reading about actual people's thought processes as they struggle with similar problems might help you feel less guilty and angry and alone.
- I have already decided they are not going to my wedding, but I hate that I always have to explain this to people (like my future in-laws). How do you deal with that kind of situation?
I've found that "we don't have that kind of relationship" can be a very useful response.
posted by heisenberg at 12:46 PM on October 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
Reading through other AskMe threads about people who've cut off contact with their parents (or are considering whether to do so) can be tremendously helpful. The way family and parenthood are portrayed in popular culture can really ratchet up the guilt and anger for those of us whose families just don't work that way; reading about actual people's thought processes as they struggle with similar problems might help you feel less guilty and angry and alone.
- I have already decided they are not going to my wedding, but I hate that I always have to explain this to people (like my future in-laws). How do you deal with that kind of situation?
I've found that "we don't have that kind of relationship" can be a very useful response.
posted by heisenberg at 12:46 PM on October 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You can and should let go. I'm sorry it's come to this. You deserve better.
posted by Hermione Granger at 2:24 PM on October 23, 2014 [33 favorites]