How to make the best use of two (only two!) mediation sessions
October 10, 2014 6:55 PM Subscribe
My spouse has long resisted going to couples’ mediation, despite on-going problems in our marriage. After a particularly bad fight a few days ago, my spouse reluctantly agreed to attend two sessions. I’m responsible for selecting the mediator. What’s the best way to extract the most benefit from just two sessions?
Background: My spouse and I are two very different people with disparate goals, personalities, tastes, and habits. Somehow, we were able to side-step these differences in the first few years of our marriage, but things have steadily deteriorated. We keep having fights over the same issues, but nothing substantial gets resolved at the end of the fight. Our arguments tend to be rooted in fairly concrete matters, like finances/spending, scheduling events, deciding which TV shows to watch during dinner (and who gets to pick them), what time to go to bed, and which acquaintances we invite (or pointedly don’t invite) to social outings. Some of these contentious topics might seem relatively minor, but they’re wearing us down.
I kept pushing for mediation so that a disinterested third party can help us negotiate agreements on the areas that keep plaguing us (for the record, my spouse has been quite skeptical of this approach – but also hasn’t offered any alternative strategy for resolving conflict). In a rare point of agreement, we both have no interest in the type of abstract psychotherapy where you examine your childhood traumas, how your parents’ relationship affected you, etc.
I’m concerned that two mediation sessions is not enough, but I’m not about to start another fight over this question. So... what’s the best approach to take for this very short-term counseling? Any other advice?
Background: My spouse and I are two very different people with disparate goals, personalities, tastes, and habits. Somehow, we were able to side-step these differences in the first few years of our marriage, but things have steadily deteriorated. We keep having fights over the same issues, but nothing substantial gets resolved at the end of the fight. Our arguments tend to be rooted in fairly concrete matters, like finances/spending, scheduling events, deciding which TV shows to watch during dinner (and who gets to pick them), what time to go to bed, and which acquaintances we invite (or pointedly don’t invite) to social outings. Some of these contentious topics might seem relatively minor, but they’re wearing us down.
I kept pushing for mediation so that a disinterested third party can help us negotiate agreements on the areas that keep plaguing us (for the record, my spouse has been quite skeptical of this approach – but also hasn’t offered any alternative strategy for resolving conflict). In a rare point of agreement, we both have no interest in the type of abstract psychotherapy where you examine your childhood traumas, how your parents’ relationship affected you, etc.
I’m concerned that two mediation sessions is not enough, but I’m not about to start another fight over this question. So... what’s the best approach to take for this very short-term counseling? Any other advice?
A mediator helps you resolve a specific issue. You need someone to help you improve your communication skills and alter the dynamic in your relationship that is preventing sympathetic behavior patterns. That type of person is a couples therapist. Going to a therapist does not need to involve discussing your childhood or your relationship with your dead grandmother who you never got to say goodbye to. It can be very concrete work identifying and then learning to avoid sticking points in your existing relationship patterns. That's what you need.
posted by alms at 7:33 PM on October 10, 2014 [12 favorites]
posted by alms at 7:33 PM on October 10, 2014 [12 favorites]
2nding the recommendation for couples' therapy, alms is very correct. If you don't fix the underlying communication issues, it won't help that you've talked to a professional and resolved the specific issue of who to invite to social events, you'll just find something else to have conflict over, and you'll have wasted your time and money.
When you're looking for a therapist, you call them ahead of time and ask them a few questions before setting up an appointment to make sure they're the sort of person you're looking for. That's the point at which you can explain that you don't want to get into family issues, childhood, your background and so forth - because you only have an agreement for 2 sessions, you want to start in with discussing your communications issues as soon as possible at the first session. See what the therapist's response is, and ask them generally about their approach to addressing communication problems, and I think you'll know if they're a good fit for you. I'd recommend talking to at least 3 therapists before deciding upon one.
My experience doing a few sessions with a therapist was that the first session she asked us all about who we were, our families, background, and so forth, and we did not get so much into our communication issues during that initial session. This was not so that she could then reference Freudian issues or childhood traumas or whatever during later discussions, it was so that she really knew who we were and how we operated as human beings, and we could make references to our jobs and families while discussing the communication issues/areas of conflict and she would get what we were talking about. I thought that was quite helpful and I think it will be tough for you to get as much out of therapy without the therapist knowing a little bit about you and your spouse first. Maybe try to do an abbreviated intro to yourselves before jumping right into problems. Because it's also quite challenging to talk about personal issues like that in front of a relative stranger… I think you'll find when you're in this situation you won't want to just be walking into the room and immediately start laying out your beefs with your spouse.
I suggest your goal should be finding a therapist that you think will really click with your spouse too (and not just the type of person you personally will get along with) so that you can eventually talk your spouse into going to more sessions. If you're repeatedly and frequently fighting, and they've got no alternative ideas on how to resolve the issues, refusing to continue to seek help so that you can try to repair your relationship would not bode well for the future. On the other hand, if your relationship is generally good minus a few sticking points, it may not take that much longer than 2 sessions to resolve your issues. I think people hear "therapy" and think of something that goes on for months to years, and I'm sure in some cases it does, but for my spouse and I, we went to fewer than 10 sessions and ran out of issues to discuss, and the therapist herself suggested that she thought we probably didn't need to see her anymore unless something came up.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:50 PM on October 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
When you're looking for a therapist, you call them ahead of time and ask them a few questions before setting up an appointment to make sure they're the sort of person you're looking for. That's the point at which you can explain that you don't want to get into family issues, childhood, your background and so forth - because you only have an agreement for 2 sessions, you want to start in with discussing your communications issues as soon as possible at the first session. See what the therapist's response is, and ask them generally about their approach to addressing communication problems, and I think you'll know if they're a good fit for you. I'd recommend talking to at least 3 therapists before deciding upon one.
My experience doing a few sessions with a therapist was that the first session she asked us all about who we were, our families, background, and so forth, and we did not get so much into our communication issues during that initial session. This was not so that she could then reference Freudian issues or childhood traumas or whatever during later discussions, it was so that she really knew who we were and how we operated as human beings, and we could make references to our jobs and families while discussing the communication issues/areas of conflict and she would get what we were talking about. I thought that was quite helpful and I think it will be tough for you to get as much out of therapy without the therapist knowing a little bit about you and your spouse first. Maybe try to do an abbreviated intro to yourselves before jumping right into problems. Because it's also quite challenging to talk about personal issues like that in front of a relative stranger… I think you'll find when you're in this situation you won't want to just be walking into the room and immediately start laying out your beefs with your spouse.
I suggest your goal should be finding a therapist that you think will really click with your spouse too (and not just the type of person you personally will get along with) so that you can eventually talk your spouse into going to more sessions. If you're repeatedly and frequently fighting, and they've got no alternative ideas on how to resolve the issues, refusing to continue to seek help so that you can try to repair your relationship would not bode well for the future. On the other hand, if your relationship is generally good minus a few sticking points, it may not take that much longer than 2 sessions to resolve your issues. I think people hear "therapy" and think of something that goes on for months to years, and I'm sure in some cases it does, but for my spouse and I, we went to fewer than 10 sessions and ran out of issues to discuss, and the therapist herself suggested that she thought we probably didn't need to see her anymore unless something came up.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:50 PM on October 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
I think the best use of the mediation sessions would be to get inspired and excited about the possibility of working things out, more than the actual working things out (as it is only two sessions).
So I would focus on getting any win/win out of it that you can, even if it is which way to hang the toilet paper roll. Then, hopefully, you can both see that you can still move in a positive direction in the relationship. That can help re-energize both of you, in terms of feeling successful.
posted by Vaike at 8:17 PM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
So I would focus on getting any win/win out of it that you can, even if it is which way to hang the toilet paper roll. Then, hopefully, you can both see that you can still move in a positive direction in the relationship. That can help re-energize both of you, in terms of feeling successful.
posted by Vaike at 8:17 PM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Just to add to treehorn+bunny's comment, I think people hear "therapy" and think "god there has to be something really wrong for me mentally to need therapy. This is not true at all. Therapy is a great venue in which to work on the issues you're describing. I often recommend that people try therapy because it can be incredibly value to have a third party to bounce things off of that has absolutely no horse in the race that is your life and completely reserves judgment. I think the same of couples counseling.
You may also want to take a look at the book How to be an Adult in Relationships as well. It's a helpful guide to helping two people understand one another.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 8:21 PM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
You may also want to take a look at the book How to be an Adult in Relationships as well. It's a helpful guide to helping two people understand one another.
Take care.
posted by sockermom at 8:21 PM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Honestly, not to pile on, but I think the best the mediator could do is help you decide when each of you gets to control the remote, and that's not going to solve your problems.
I say this as a person who also could have written My spouse and I are two very different people with disparate goals, personalities, tastes, and habits. Somehow, we were able to side-step these differences in the first few years of our marriage, but things have steadily deteriorated. We keep having fights over the same issues, but nothing substantial gets resolved at the end of the fight. And, hey, I am divorcing!
I think you need to look at (and be okay with) the fact that you and your spouse have actual relationship problems that you need to work out. I don't know if that means you have communication issues, or power issues, or intimacy issues, or what. But, you have actual, real issues that you're not dealing with. So, you're pretending like you're dealing with them by thinking that you care a whole hell of a lot over these little niggling things. A mediator can help you set ground rules for the niggling things, yes, but [random observer's opinion] you are not going to find your relationship magically better as a result. I'm sorry, but you just won't. Been there.
Give couple's counseling a try. If you want to extend this relationship's life and maintain any sort of happiness in the duration, that's what you need to do. [I did, and it didn't work. That's okay too!] Also, you and your spouse both need to abandon your preconceived notions of what couple's therapy looks like, and just give it a damn shot already. A good therapist will help you look at NOW stuff, not childhood stuff.
And the childhood thing? That's just a stereotype, by the way. Freud is long dead, and his grave is adorned with much spittle.
posted by mudpuppie at 10:47 PM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
I say this as a person who also could have written My spouse and I are two very different people with disparate goals, personalities, tastes, and habits. Somehow, we were able to side-step these differences in the first few years of our marriage, but things have steadily deteriorated. We keep having fights over the same issues, but nothing substantial gets resolved at the end of the fight. And, hey, I am divorcing!
I think you need to look at (and be okay with) the fact that you and your spouse have actual relationship problems that you need to work out. I don't know if that means you have communication issues, or power issues, or intimacy issues, or what. But, you have actual, real issues that you're not dealing with. So, you're pretending like you're dealing with them by thinking that you care a whole hell of a lot over these little niggling things. A mediator can help you set ground rules for the niggling things, yes, but [random observer's opinion] you are not going to find your relationship magically better as a result. I'm sorry, but you just won't. Been there.
Give couple's counseling a try. If you want to extend this relationship's life and maintain any sort of happiness in the duration, that's what you need to do. [I did, and it didn't work. That's okay too!] Also, you and your spouse both need to abandon your preconceived notions of what couple's therapy looks like, and just give it a damn shot already. A good therapist will help you look at NOW stuff, not childhood stuff.
And the childhood thing? That's just a stereotype, by the way. Freud is long dead, and his grave is adorned with much spittle.
posted by mudpuppie at 10:47 PM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Agreeing with the above comments in favor of couples' therapy. My partner and I had a great experience with attending just two couples' therapy sessions when we were experiencing difficulty. Building off of what Vaike said above: I think the best use of the mediation sessions would be to get inspired and excited about the possibility of working things out, more than the actual working things out (as it is only two sessions)... This (getting inspired and excited) was absolutely what two sessions with a counselor did for us.
I'll describe what I remember most of my experience:
The therapist asked right off if we wanted his help in breaking up or in staying together. My partner and I looked at each other and sort of stammered, "Uh, in staying together? We think."
We admitted to not being familiar with the term or exact practice of active listening; the therapist described it and asked us to give it a whirl in the interim before the next session.
The therapist had some visual aides e.g. Venn Diagrams and lists that he used as he described-- this part is hazy in my memory-- individual and couples' needs. And, he assigned us homework to make a list of any resentments either of us had toward the other. I would come back with a list, and my partner would have his list, and we would discuss next time.
In session #2, my list was HUGE. It was silly-long. My partner had maybe 3 items on his list; his list seemed silly, too (as if he couldn't *really* think of one solid thing to resent me for, and I had pages and pages). I mean, each couple is special, but my point here is that my partner and I ended up becoming a stronger team, devoted to working together and accessing or own resources and tools for doing so. Together we laughed at our own absurdity. Laughter is what I remember best of the 2 sessions, but like I said, each couple is special. We're a pair of goofballs who hadn't laughed *together* in a while, and certainly hadn't been a good team in a while. Two meetings with a couples' therapist changed all that. We regarded our counselor as a mediator, but I don't think that's technically the role he was playing in our case.
He didn't ask much about childhood and stuff as far as I remember, but he did ask a little about our backgrounds and work and living situation because it helps to know (as said above). He asked us about our sex life, to which my partner responded, "I think I'm pretty good [in bed]," and, again, we were laughing. And, it was the two of us in this thing together. And, we've been putting in the work ever since, we just needed a little help from a disinterested third party to launch us in the right direction.
The list of resentments was never picked apart and discussed. To my mind, it was metaphorically burned and no longer exists. I can't even remember what was on it.
If you're both willing to do the work to achieve and maintain a healthy relationship, I think you'll do it. We lucked out and had a therapist we both thought was great, and both regard as being instrumental in helping us move forward. I wish you luck and hope the best for you and your spouse.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 2:20 AM on October 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
I'll describe what I remember most of my experience:
The therapist asked right off if we wanted his help in breaking up or in staying together. My partner and I looked at each other and sort of stammered, "Uh, in staying together? We think."
We admitted to not being familiar with the term or exact practice of active listening; the therapist described it and asked us to give it a whirl in the interim before the next session.
The therapist had some visual aides e.g. Venn Diagrams and lists that he used as he described-- this part is hazy in my memory-- individual and couples' needs. And, he assigned us homework to make a list of any resentments either of us had toward the other. I would come back with a list, and my partner would have his list, and we would discuss next time.
In session #2, my list was HUGE. It was silly-long. My partner had maybe 3 items on his list; his list seemed silly, too (as if he couldn't *really* think of one solid thing to resent me for, and I had pages and pages). I mean, each couple is special, but my point here is that my partner and I ended up becoming a stronger team, devoted to working together and accessing or own resources and tools for doing so. Together we laughed at our own absurdity. Laughter is what I remember best of the 2 sessions, but like I said, each couple is special. We're a pair of goofballs who hadn't laughed *together* in a while, and certainly hadn't been a good team in a while. Two meetings with a couples' therapist changed all that. We regarded our counselor as a mediator, but I don't think that's technically the role he was playing in our case.
He didn't ask much about childhood and stuff as far as I remember, but he did ask a little about our backgrounds and work and living situation because it helps to know (as said above). He asked us about our sex life, to which my partner responded, "I think I'm pretty good [in bed]," and, again, we were laughing. And, it was the two of us in this thing together. And, we've been putting in the work ever since, we just needed a little help from a disinterested third party to launch us in the right direction.
The list of resentments was never picked apart and discussed. To my mind, it was metaphorically burned and no longer exists. I can't even remember what was on it.
If you're both willing to do the work to achieve and maintain a healthy relationship, I think you'll do it. We lucked out and had a therapist we both thought was great, and both regard as being instrumental in helping us move forward. I wish you luck and hope the best for you and your spouse.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 2:20 AM on October 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
I suggest not watching TV during dinner, for a start. Talk about your day and what's going on in the world around you instead.
posted by zadcat at 7:17 AM on October 11, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 7:17 AM on October 11, 2014 [6 favorites]
A mediator will give you a fish. Couples Therapy will teach you to fish.
Are you going to turn to a neutral third party to mediate every issue in your marriage? You are both looking for someone to pick a side, not teach you how to negotiate or to compromise, or to release control.
Your marriage is in HUGE trouble. You know this. If your wife won't agree to meet with a professional to learn how to communicate and to resolve conflict, then the prognosis for your relationship is not very good.
Therapy isn't what you've apparently gleaned from fifties situation comedies, it's a way of learning about each other and of learning new skills in relating to one another.
It's very telling that your wife is resistant to third party intervention. What is she afraid of? Have you asked her? Have you told her what your fears are, especially for your future as a couple if you can't get past this?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:50 AM on October 11, 2014 [3 favorites]
Are you going to turn to a neutral third party to mediate every issue in your marriage? You are both looking for someone to pick a side, not teach you how to negotiate or to compromise, or to release control.
Your marriage is in HUGE trouble. You know this. If your wife won't agree to meet with a professional to learn how to communicate and to resolve conflict, then the prognosis for your relationship is not very good.
Therapy isn't what you've apparently gleaned from fifties situation comedies, it's a way of learning about each other and of learning new skills in relating to one another.
It's very telling that your wife is resistant to third party intervention. What is she afraid of? Have you asked her? Have you told her what your fears are, especially for your future as a couple if you can't get past this?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:50 AM on October 11, 2014 [3 favorites]
I agree that couples therapy is likely a much better route as you don't need to figure out who is right, you need to figure out what is wrong between you.
If all you can do is the two sessions I would focus 100% of the time on setting up rules for fair fighting. So that you can at least have moderately constructive results to you constant disagreements.
posted by French Fry at 8:32 AM on October 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
If all you can do is the two sessions I would focus 100% of the time on setting up rules for fair fighting. So that you can at least have moderately constructive results to you constant disagreements.
posted by French Fry at 8:32 AM on October 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
I would say before booking a mediator or couple's therapy I would recommend you have a few private sessions yourself with a different therapist just to unpack some things for you and prioritise what you want to discuss in the future joint sessions. Encourage your spouse to do the same.
posted by saucysault at 10:30 AM on October 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by saucysault at 10:30 AM on October 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
How to make the best of it? Write one sentence describing your ideal "win" Have your partner do the same. For example you might write " I want to stop arguing over the same issues again and again. Your partners might be " I don't want to go to therapy."
The mediator will help find some solution you both/ each can committed to. But if you go in with a long laundry list instead of one clear statement then you are going to rapidly run out of time.
Perhaps your outcome will be that you know clearly whether or not your partner wants to find a way to stop arguing....
posted by SyraCarol at 10:42 AM on October 11, 2014
The mediator will help find some solution you both/ each can committed to. But if you go in with a long laundry list instead of one clear statement then you are going to rapidly run out of time.
Perhaps your outcome will be that you know clearly whether or not your partner wants to find a way to stop arguing....
posted by SyraCarol at 10:42 AM on October 11, 2014
If things go well in the two sessions, she'll find out that it's not about who's right and who's wrong. It won't be just a repeat of arguments you two have already had. Perhaps it will have a large component of skills for talking and listening to each other, and she'll like it a lot better than the unconstructive fighting that's been going on. She doesn't know what therapy is like, and has no real faith that it will work, but that can change quickly. You can make it more likely that she'll continue in therapy with you if you let her talk without interruption, and show sincere empathy for what she says about her feelings. The therapist will sort of referee to make sure there's no name-calling, no changing of the subject, no accusations...from either of you.
posted by wryly at 3:18 PM on October 11, 2014
posted by wryly at 3:18 PM on October 11, 2014
I always tell people, if an SO asks you to go to relationship counselling, there are only two possible answers:
1. OMG! If you think we need it, I will do it to save our relationship, because it's that important to me. Doesn't even matter if I think it's necessary - we are in this together.
2. I don't care enough to do that. Take me or leave me, IRDC.
This applies.
posted by IAmBroom at 3:01 PM on October 12, 2014
1. OMG! If you think we need it, I will do it to save our relationship, because it's that important to me. Doesn't even matter if I think it's necessary - we are in this together.
2. I don't care enough to do that. Take me or leave me, IRDC.
This applies.
posted by IAmBroom at 3:01 PM on October 12, 2014
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There are divorce mediators, if you'd prefer to go that route. If people don't like each other enough to share dinnertime TV choices, there's no counselor who can change that.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:08 PM on October 10, 2014 [3 favorites]