Non-book resources on parenting
October 6, 2014 12:32 PM Subscribe
I have a relative who is a newish parent, having recently adopted several children that were in her care as foster children for about a year prior to the adoption. As part of that process, she took parenting classes. But I think she needs more information as each child progresses through development (things like discipline, how to handle strong emotions in children, behavior issues, self-care for herself). My relative will not voluntarily read a book and she generally doesn't learn best through reading.
At this point I don't think she has time to attend another parenting class (if they exist: I am researching to see what is available to her locally post-adoption), so what other resources are out there that she can access? Videos, checklists, informal parent discussion groups, or even picture books geared towards kids that talk about behavior/emotions? She has a short attention span and a lot of demands on her time, so I'd love to find short nuggets of very practical and SIMPLE information that she can use and implement quickly. For example, her six-year old son recently stole a snack from the cafeteria on a dare, and she lost her temper with him in a way that I think made her feel like a failure. Her first response was to yell at him about "not condoning stealing in this household," ground him, and then only later after she cooled down, talk to him about why stealing is a bad idea and to apologize for losing her temper.
So in a case like that, it would be great to find a resource that would briefly explain why a child at that particular age might experiment with stealing/lying and then quickly show how to address the behavior constructively. She is a good mom, and just needs some help assembling her parenting toolkit.
At this point I don't think she has time to attend another parenting class (if they exist: I am researching to see what is available to her locally post-adoption), so what other resources are out there that she can access? Videos, checklists, informal parent discussion groups, or even picture books geared towards kids that talk about behavior/emotions? She has a short attention span and a lot of demands on her time, so I'd love to find short nuggets of very practical and SIMPLE information that she can use and implement quickly. For example, her six-year old son recently stole a snack from the cafeteria on a dare, and she lost her temper with him in a way that I think made her feel like a failure. Her first response was to yell at him about "not condoning stealing in this household," ground him, and then only later after she cooled down, talk to him about why stealing is a bad idea and to apologize for losing her temper.
So in a case like that, it would be great to find a resource that would briefly explain why a child at that particular age might experiment with stealing/lying and then quickly show how to address the behavior constructively. She is a good mom, and just needs some help assembling her parenting toolkit.
I would really strongly recommend working with a family therapist. They can trouble shoot these issues in real time, problem solve and give mom practice in a hands on way, and individualize the interventions to the particular needs of each of the children and the family as a whole. Kids coming out of foster care are going to have much different needs than the run-of-the-mill issues that are covered in most parenting books. They're also going to be far more complex than can be covered in a short, easily digested nugget.
posted by goggie at 1:06 PM on October 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by goggie at 1:06 PM on October 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Maybe help her find a support group for foster parents? Being a foster parent adds a whole bunch of complexities onto the already complex mess of being a parent and juggling all sorts of desires, expectations and hopes of a (new) parent.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:05 PM on October 6, 2014
posted by filthy light thief at 2:05 PM on October 6, 2014
The resource these adoptive parents of former foster kids need -- waaaay more than your well-meaning unsolicited advice about how you are sure their mother is Doing It Wrong! and is in dire need of parenting advice-- is for you to babysit these kids, preferably on a regular basis.
Once you've spent a lot more time caring for these kids yourself, then you can offer your two cents, and ONLY IF ASKED.
Her first response was to yell at him about "not condoning stealing in this household," ground him, and then only later after she cooled down, talk to him about why stealing is a bad idea and to apologize for losing her temper.
From where I (the parent of a 7 and 5 year old) sit, I don't think this mother did anything wrong. In fact, she sounds like a highly capable Authoritative Parent, who sets limits and expects maturity, and who meted out reasonable and fair consequences for stealing - a very serious matter. Her child knows why he was being punished, because she made those reasons known, explaining to him why stealing is not acceptable, and she even apologized for yelling. Brava!
posted by hush at 2:08 PM on October 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Once you've spent a lot more time caring for these kids yourself, then you can offer your two cents, and ONLY IF ASKED.
Her first response was to yell at him about "not condoning stealing in this household," ground him, and then only later after she cooled down, talk to him about why stealing is a bad idea and to apologize for losing her temper.
From where I (the parent of a 7 and 5 year old) sit, I don't think this mother did anything wrong. In fact, she sounds like a highly capable Authoritative Parent, who sets limits and expects maturity, and who meted out reasonable and fair consequences for stealing - a very serious matter. Her child knows why he was being punished, because she made those reasons known, explaining to him why stealing is not acceptable, and she even apologized for yelling. Brava!
posted by hush at 2:08 PM on October 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Also, as hush said, I think her response sounds like a good one, though I understand the original yelling was not what she wanted to do. It sounds like she's figuring it out as she goes, which is generally what happens, because no two kids are the same, and their initial actions, and then their reactions to your responses, are never the same. You can read books in every waking moment, or watch videos until your eyes fall out, but if the examples don't come close to matching what you are experiencing and dealing with, then it's only theoretical.
If you want to help, could you take the kids for a while, and let her have time to decompress and reflect? Or even just helping out around her place for an afternoon, if she feels like she can't completely take the day off? From my experience as the parent of a single child, that's when things get messy - when you're alone, tired, and the little rascal is pushing your buttons. Having another person to take over being the responsible one for a while is wonderful, even if it's just 15 minutes to re-collect your thoughts.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:12 PM on October 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you want to help, could you take the kids for a while, and let her have time to decompress and reflect? Or even just helping out around her place for an afternoon, if she feels like she can't completely take the day off? From my experience as the parent of a single child, that's when things get messy - when you're alone, tired, and the little rascal is pushing your buttons. Having another person to take over being the responsible one for a while is wonderful, even if it's just 15 minutes to re-collect your thoughts.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:12 PM on October 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I do babysit -- several times a month, enough to give her a good chunk of a day free, and we will eventually work up to overnights. Maybe I didn't phrase this question as well as I could have. She is asking for help/advice, so this isn't completely unsolicited on my part. I wasn't using the example I cited as any sort of proof of her poor parenting, rather an example of a time when she felt at a loss for an appropriate response. And it is true that there is an extra layer of complexity here given the foster/adoption circumstances. There are so many parenting books out there with lots of good advice, but that's just not a medium she would find accessible. My goal was to find non-book parenting resources I could direct her toward for her own education. Thanks for the feedback so far.
posted by megancita at 2:29 PM on October 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by megancita at 2:29 PM on October 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Thanks for the clarification - the current question reads as if you're generally an outsider, coming in to critique your relative. Asking questions for others is tricky.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:46 PM on October 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by filthy light thief at 2:46 PM on October 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
My younger kid joined us after being in foster care. Other than reading books (there are some really great ones that I can recommend if she's interested, maybe on audio?), here is what we have done:
-Family therapist or family systems therapist visits. We tried to see one as a family, but what works best for us is for just the parents to go.
-Are any of the kids followed by a therapist? Having parent sessions with the therapist, not only for progress reports, but also for tips and support.
-Making sure to spend time with the pediatrician. This is going to sound like an odd suggestion, but I came into parenting with slightly older babies/toddlers, and I quizzed our doctor about developmental benchmarks and what to expect at each age, especially when I was a new parent.
-We have a huge collection of kid's books on adoption, but my very absolute favorite one is by Mr. Rogers.
Congratulations to your friend, and thanks to you for being a supportive friend!
posted by mamabear at 2:58 PM on October 6, 2014
-Family therapist or family systems therapist visits. We tried to see one as a family, but what works best for us is for just the parents to go.
-Are any of the kids followed by a therapist? Having parent sessions with the therapist, not only for progress reports, but also for tips and support.
-Making sure to spend time with the pediatrician. This is going to sound like an odd suggestion, but I came into parenting with slightly older babies/toddlers, and I quizzed our doctor about developmental benchmarks and what to expect at each age, especially when I was a new parent.
-We have a huge collection of kid's books on adoption, but my very absolute favorite one is by Mr. Rogers.
Congratulations to your friend, and thanks to you for being a supportive friend!
posted by mamabear at 2:58 PM on October 6, 2014
Is she good with audiobooks? There are some pretty good audiobooks and podcasts on parenting that she could listen to while driving/walking around. Audible or her local library will have them, and she could get through a book a week with a commute.
When I have a parenting question that isn't health related (I go to NHS Choices or Dr Sears for that), I go to Netmums and search their forums because even though I'm not British, they tend to have sensible frank discussions with good moderation (no thread hijacking or bullying AFAIK) on a huge range of parenting topics.
Family therapists are a great resource if she can get one regularly scheduled and just save up questions and concerns for sessions. She doesn't have to go with the kids - it's basically one-on-one parenting training. Can she get phone counselling that could co-ordinate with her packed schedule?
She can also sign up with websites that do development newsletters - I get one from BabyCenter for the toddler, and also one from Parenting Science which is just a round-up of parenting-related research. They're short emails with links to longer articles and she can sign up for ones targeting the specific ages of her kids, and then read them on her phone in 5 minute snatches. The Parents magazine was actually quite handy for this when my older kids were little - small short articles and lists that I could read throughout the month in snatches.
posted by viggorlijah at 8:43 PM on October 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
When I have a parenting question that isn't health related (I go to NHS Choices or Dr Sears for that), I go to Netmums and search their forums because even though I'm not British, they tend to have sensible frank discussions with good moderation (no thread hijacking or bullying AFAIK) on a huge range of parenting topics.
Family therapists are a great resource if she can get one regularly scheduled and just save up questions and concerns for sessions. She doesn't have to go with the kids - it's basically one-on-one parenting training. Can she get phone counselling that could co-ordinate with her packed schedule?
She can also sign up with websites that do development newsletters - I get one from BabyCenter for the toddler, and also one from Parenting Science which is just a round-up of parenting-related research. They're short emails with links to longer articles and she can sign up for ones targeting the specific ages of her kids, and then read them on her phone in 5 minute snatches. The Parents magazine was actually quite handy for this when my older kids were little - small short articles and lists that I could read throughout the month in snatches.
posted by viggorlijah at 8:43 PM on October 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
If she needs help with discipline and (minor) behavioral issues, you/she can google Positive Parenting and take a look at some of the resources that come up. There are good blogs/FB pages on the topic, a couple of my favorites are Janet Lansbury and Aha Parenting. Following their various links will take you down the rabbit hole to lots of other good resources.
The best way that we've found to keep any behavioral issues from arising with our toddler is to make sure he is always treated with respect (one example, asking him to give us something rather than taking it out of his hands), and to make sure that his feelings are always heard, even if he doesn't get what he wants. He may not like the outcome, but when the respect or listening parts don't happen, it becomes so much more of a meltdown than it ever needed to be.
Best of luck.
posted by vignettist at 9:53 AM on October 7, 2014
The best way that we've found to keep any behavioral issues from arising with our toddler is to make sure he is always treated with respect (one example, asking him to give us something rather than taking it out of his hands), and to make sure that his feelings are always heard, even if he doesn't get what he wants. He may not like the outcome, but when the respect or listening parts don't happen, it becomes so much more of a meltdown than it ever needed to be.
Best of luck.
posted by vignettist at 9:53 AM on October 7, 2014
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Parenthood is full of regrets about things like losing your temper and yelling from time to time -- all of us are only human -- so that doesn't particularly strike me as a red flag about a parent in crisis and needing intervention. She explained and apologized later, which strikes me as exactly the right thing to do.
posted by Andrhia at 1:06 PM on October 6, 2014 [6 favorites]