How do I stay positive and optimistic about finding a boyfriend?
October 3, 2014 3:36 PM Subscribe
I'm 35 in one month and have never been in a healthy (that is, at least being called a girlfriend and not only being used for sex) long term (more than 3 months) relationship.
I am not a native English speaker and it's difficult to express myself the way I would like to, but I just want to post if not for advice from (nice:) internet strangers, then just a virtual hug.
I'm 35 in one month and have never been in a healthy (that is, at least being called a girlfriend and not only being used for sex) long term (more than 3 months) relationship.
Had two longish but completely screwed up ones (on-off 8 years and 1 year), been on therapy and antidepressants after the first. I'm an average looking girl, have been called unattractive by fellow countrymen, online dates included (will NEVER try internet dating again:((( Still manage to occasionally get dates (which a few and far in between), but then, whatever I do or don't do, things just don't seem to last. I have always been quite independent (grew up in a family of alcoholics) and generally have a nice life with decent work, good colleagues, some friends. But the need of having a boyfriend, somebody to be my 'family' is painfully growing - maybe because of my age, maybe because I moved to live abroad 2 years ago, maybe it's aftermath of a recent break up with a guy I fell in love with just to find out he wants to be free and fck around. My friends recently started commenting that I became very negative about love and dating, but given my experience so far, I have little reason to be optimistic:( I have red a number of self help, dating and psychology books, I take good care of myself and try to make myself look as attractive as possible, I go out, have hobbies, smile... what else can I do? But inside, I started feeling empty and broken. 34 years of bad luck is too much to be accidental. Something must be wrong with me, I don't know what it is and how to fix it, and I just feel very very tired of trying:(
I am not a native English speaker and it's difficult to express myself the way I would like to, but I just want to post if not for advice from (nice:) internet strangers, then just a virtual hug.
I'm 35 in one month and have never been in a healthy (that is, at least being called a girlfriend and not only being used for sex) long term (more than 3 months) relationship.
Had two longish but completely screwed up ones (on-off 8 years and 1 year), been on therapy and antidepressants after the first. I'm an average looking girl, have been called unattractive by fellow countrymen, online dates included (will NEVER try internet dating again:((( Still manage to occasionally get dates (which a few and far in between), but then, whatever I do or don't do, things just don't seem to last. I have always been quite independent (grew up in a family of alcoholics) and generally have a nice life with decent work, good colleagues, some friends. But the need of having a boyfriend, somebody to be my 'family' is painfully growing - maybe because of my age, maybe because I moved to live abroad 2 years ago, maybe it's aftermath of a recent break up with a guy I fell in love with just to find out he wants to be free and fck around. My friends recently started commenting that I became very negative about love and dating, but given my experience so far, I have little reason to be optimistic:( I have red a number of self help, dating and psychology books, I take good care of myself and try to make myself look as attractive as possible, I go out, have hobbies, smile... what else can I do? But inside, I started feeling empty and broken. 34 years of bad luck is too much to be accidental. Something must be wrong with me, I don't know what it is and how to fix it, and I just feel very very tired of trying:(
A minor note of encouragement. I married for the first time at 45, my wife was 40 (first marriage). It is hard to say what the future will be.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 4:02 PM on October 3, 2014 [18 favorites]
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 4:02 PM on October 3, 2014 [18 favorites]
It sounds like the nearly 9 years of being involved in on/off relationships that occupied your time took a sizable chunk out of your dating life. It's not unusual, but I think it's unfair to say that the problem is something bad about you. Perhaps the only bad thing was that there may have been some lack of good judgement that led you to spend way too much time embroiled in relationships that were not satisfying your basic wants and needs.
It's understandable that you are feeling dejected and negative, but however you get over that, you have to do it if you want to find a partner. Being very negative and cynical is not something that others find attractive. I'm sure it's not something you'd find attractive, either. I think your best approach would be to find activities that make you happy and fulfilled and maybe consider returning to therapy if that isn't enough. Do things that build confidence. Confidence and happiness will always trump physical attractiveness.
Online dating can be frustrating, but it's a great way to meet a lot of people. Many will be duds - don't waste time with them. But, some may end up being a good match. Also mention to your friends that you are looking to date. Maybe they have some singles that they can introduce to you. Good luck!
posted by quince at 4:29 PM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
It's understandable that you are feeling dejected and negative, but however you get over that, you have to do it if you want to find a partner. Being very negative and cynical is not something that others find attractive. I'm sure it's not something you'd find attractive, either. I think your best approach would be to find activities that make you happy and fulfilled and maybe consider returning to therapy if that isn't enough. Do things that build confidence. Confidence and happiness will always trump physical attractiveness.
Online dating can be frustrating, but it's a great way to meet a lot of people. Many will be duds - don't waste time with them. But, some may end up being a good match. Also mention to your friends that you are looking to date. Maybe they have some singles that they can introduce to you. Good luck!
posted by quince at 4:29 PM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]
If your online dates told you that you're unattractive, those guys were just buttholes. Even if you are absolutely not attracted to somebody, there's never a good reason say they're unattractive, as if nobody anywhere will ever think they're cute.
That this happened to you on a couple of occasions makes me suspect you're interacting with a certain type. There are plenty of jerky guys out there, but I don't think most them would be quite so blunt or cruel. You should be able to post a profile and then hear from guys who are interested in you. Online, there's no reason you should even be dealing with guys who think you're not attractive enough for them.
Could it be that there's something in your profile that narrows your dating pool too much? Some religious or culture specification, maybe?
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:03 PM on October 3, 2014
That this happened to you on a couple of occasions makes me suspect you're interacting with a certain type. There are plenty of jerky guys out there, but I don't think most them would be quite so blunt or cruel. You should be able to post a profile and then hear from guys who are interested in you. Online, there's no reason you should even be dealing with guys who think you're not attractive enough for them.
Could it be that there's something in your profile that narrows your dating pool too much? Some religious or culture specification, maybe?
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:03 PM on October 3, 2014
34 years of bad luck is too much to be accidental. Something must be wrong with me.
No. Finding a partner isn't something you achieve because you deserve or have earned it: it's luck. You just have not been lucky yet. Luck is random, luck is chaos. To maximise your chances of luck, you need to maximise your chances of meeting new people.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:18 PM on October 3, 2014 [23 favorites]
No. Finding a partner isn't something you achieve because you deserve or have earned it: it's luck. You just have not been lucky yet. Luck is random, luck is chaos. To maximise your chances of luck, you need to maximise your chances of meeting new people.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:18 PM on October 3, 2014 [23 favorites]
Change what you're attracted to or work on yourself. Sorry to be so blunt, but me are very visual; we go for what we find attractive.
Many single men your age will also go for younger men because they can.
I suggest you work on yourself or change your type.
In my experience, I've met women (and men) who complain nobody finds them attractive and how they should be with someone they find hot. However, they're not hot.
Sigh, a lot of men will sleep down, but they won't date down. I've seen this unfortunate reality with many of my colleagues and personal friends. I've tried telling them it's not nice, but I'm always ignored.
tl;dr -- Be realistic with who you are and what you have to offer, or seriously work on yourself.
posted by GiveUpNed at 5:54 PM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Many single men your age will also go for younger men because they can.
I suggest you work on yourself or change your type.
In my experience, I've met women (and men) who complain nobody finds them attractive and how they should be with someone they find hot. However, they're not hot.
Sigh, a lot of men will sleep down, but they won't date down. I've seen this unfortunate reality with many of my colleagues and personal friends. I've tried telling them it's not nice, but I'm always ignored.
tl;dr -- Be realistic with who you are and what you have to offer, or seriously work on yourself.
posted by GiveUpNed at 5:54 PM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your wall is up too high. You see, everyone around you goes a little crazy with love. You are wary of it. You grew up in a household where love was not something you could depend on. You don't let people in until they have proven themselves and by then, it is too late.
The only solution is to break free from yourself for awhile. Give yourself permission to mess up. Give your self permission to suffer greatly from heartbreak. Let those walls down. You are hurting now with them up. At least with them down, you will have some fun before you hurt again.
posted by myselfasme at 6:26 PM on October 3, 2014 [13 favorites]
The only solution is to break free from yourself for awhile. Give yourself permission to mess up. Give your self permission to suffer greatly from heartbreak. Let those walls down. You are hurting now with them up. At least with them down, you will have some fun before you hurt again.
posted by myselfasme at 6:26 PM on October 3, 2014 [13 favorites]
Okay, part of how you're feeling right now is because you just had a hurtful breakup. You're hurt. That's okay. That's a normal feeling in this situation.
That said, yeah, you're doing something wrong. You're dating the wrong guys. Either you're attracted to the wrong guys, or you have so little awareness or self-esteem that you will stay with the wrong guys even though they are so clearly wrong.
You need to love yourself more, and realize that you deserve more, and better. If someone you've been dating for half a year won't call you his girlfriend -- dump him. You're wasting time, when you could be finding the right guy.
And yeah, you need to keep trying to find the right guy. Online date. Ask your friends to set you up. Actively try dating outside of your "type."
But above all, when you realize a guy isn't treating you the way he should, leave him.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:45 PM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
That said, yeah, you're doing something wrong. You're dating the wrong guys. Either you're attracted to the wrong guys, or you have so little awareness or self-esteem that you will stay with the wrong guys even though they are so clearly wrong.
You need to love yourself more, and realize that you deserve more, and better. If someone you've been dating for half a year won't call you his girlfriend -- dump him. You're wasting time, when you could be finding the right guy.
And yeah, you need to keep trying to find the right guy. Online date. Ask your friends to set you up. Actively try dating outside of your "type."
But above all, when you realize a guy isn't treating you the way he should, leave him.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:45 PM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
My therapist recommended this book to me to read before we start talking about my past relationship patterns. I've got mixed feelings about it, partially because I, like you, have a negative view of romance based on all my past experiences. But it might help you for some insight into old patterns and give you some encouragement for the future.
Maybe also try Al-Anon to work through being raised by alcoholic parents -- you may need to break free from assumptions about how people will treat you as well as your expectations about how you deserve to be treated.
The place you need to be is where you believe that you are deserving of love, affection and great treatment. I bet you don't believe that about yourself right now. Maybe go back to therapy so that you can get some perspective?
posted by mibo at 6:47 PM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
Maybe also try Al-Anon to work through being raised by alcoholic parents -- you may need to break free from assumptions about how people will treat you as well as your expectations about how you deserve to be treated.
The place you need to be is where you believe that you are deserving of love, affection and great treatment. I bet you don't believe that about yourself right now. Maybe go back to therapy so that you can get some perspective?
posted by mibo at 6:47 PM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
At 35 I felt like you. I just turned 40 and I'm engaged and my relationship is everything I wanted, yet my partner is nothing like I imagined. Go figure!
There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you.
You can't find The One by sheer desire and effort.
You can, however, be The One to yourself. Really! The first and most important relationship you have is with yourself. Be your own best friend, your most passionate supporter, your own best listener and your own sneaky accomplice. Have fun with yourself, console yourself, and forgive yourself.
I am convinced that when you learn how to really have a great, happy and loving relationship with yourself, you are ready to do the same with someone else.
And when you do get to that happy, busy, mostly fun place others will notice and want some of that for themselves.
Then things will start to get interesting!
posted by Locochona at 7:31 PM on October 3, 2014 [8 favorites]
There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you.
You can't find The One by sheer desire and effort.
You can, however, be The One to yourself. Really! The first and most important relationship you have is with yourself. Be your own best friend, your most passionate supporter, your own best listener and your own sneaky accomplice. Have fun with yourself, console yourself, and forgive yourself.
I am convinced that when you learn how to really have a great, happy and loving relationship with yourself, you are ready to do the same with someone else.
And when you do get to that happy, busy, mostly fun place others will notice and want some of that for themselves.
Then things will start to get interesting!
posted by Locochona at 7:31 PM on October 3, 2014 [8 favorites]
One line from your description really stood out to me: "But the need of having a boyfriend, somebody to be my 'family' is painfully growing."
There may be other issues at work, but I'm pretty sure that one big one is that you are coming off as needy. You ideally shouldn't *need* a relationship. It should enhance your already enjoyable and fulfilling life.
If at this time you feel like you do need one, I think that is a feeling you should strive to hide. Act like someone who doesn't need a boyfriend. Date widely. If you always make sure to have at least two men at a time that you are interested in, you don't have to place all your hopes on one of them, and hence you will appear (and probably actually be) less needy.
It can be difficult for someone who is naturally monogamous, and I'm not saying to actually sleep with more than one man you are dating. Just go out a lot, with different men, and focus on enjoying yourself rather than finding "the one".
posted by mysterious_stranger at 8:09 PM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
There may be other issues at work, but I'm pretty sure that one big one is that you are coming off as needy. You ideally shouldn't *need* a relationship. It should enhance your already enjoyable and fulfilling life.
If at this time you feel like you do need one, I think that is a feeling you should strive to hide. Act like someone who doesn't need a boyfriend. Date widely. If you always make sure to have at least two men at a time that you are interested in, you don't have to place all your hopes on one of them, and hence you will appear (and probably actually be) less needy.
It can be difficult for someone who is naturally monogamous, and I'm not saying to actually sleep with more than one man you are dating. Just go out a lot, with different men, and focus on enjoying yourself rather than finding "the one".
posted by mysterious_stranger at 8:09 PM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
Finding a partner isn't something you achieve because you deserve or have earned it: it's luck.
Exactly.
Have you read Intimate Connections by Dr. David Burns? If you haven't, read it and do the exercises for 3 months.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:30 PM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
Exactly.
Have you read Intimate Connections by Dr. David Burns? If you haven't, read it and do the exercises for 3 months.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:30 PM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
To me, FWIW, it sounds like you're selling yourself WAY too short and writing yourself off as "damaged goods" that can never be salvaged. I don't think you could be more wrong! You sound like a sincere caring person. English is not your first language? Guess what? That is not a deficit, it is an asset. I (and a bazillion other guys) would love to spend time with a woman who can speak a different language fluently. I could spend hours with you just as a friend talking about the two languages and how they are similar or different. I'd be thrilled to learn as much of your lingo as possible as well as help you with any English terms you don't quite get.
You say you're average looking? Great! Most of us are as well. There are a lot of unattractive people out there (both physically and mentally) so you're way ahead of all of them. It's another asset!
I think you would do well to concentrate on doing what you enjoy in life, and forgetting about needing a partner. IME, that's usually when you are most likely to meet the right people. I say you get out there and DO things. Whatever interests you. Sign up for tennis/golf/dancing/whatever lessons. Offer to volunteer at a museum/day care/pet shelter. Whatever you really enjoy. Once you stop trying to force the issue, things seem to just naturally fall into place.
And please don't think 35 yrs is old. 35 yrs old is young!
You can do this! I think you simply need to change your priorities around and start enjoying your life even if you are "all alone." (You're not! I'm sure it feels that way, but you're not alone.)
Sorry to ramble, and I wish you the best of luck.
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 8:55 PM on October 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
You say you're average looking? Great! Most of us are as well. There are a lot of unattractive people out there (both physically and mentally) so you're way ahead of all of them. It's another asset!
I think you would do well to concentrate on doing what you enjoy in life, and forgetting about needing a partner. IME, that's usually when you are most likely to meet the right people. I say you get out there and DO things. Whatever interests you. Sign up for tennis/golf/dancing/whatever lessons. Offer to volunteer at a museum/day care/pet shelter. Whatever you really enjoy. Once you stop trying to force the issue, things seem to just naturally fall into place.
And please don't think 35 yrs is old. 35 yrs old is young!
You can do this! I think you simply need to change your priorities around and start enjoying your life even if you are "all alone." (You're not! I'm sure it feels that way, but you're not alone.)
Sorry to ramble, and I wish you the best of luck.
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 8:55 PM on October 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
Anecdata: I met my partner when I was 34 and he was 42. (We met in June, both have October birthdays so we were closer to 35 and 43) That was in 2008 and we're still together.
And we met online!
(I should add that we met a few months after another guy I met online and had a couple good dates with decided to tell me that classy guys of substance only want to date girls who are skinny. (I am not) He then added "of course you can find a guy to date you but he probably won't be classy and of substance." Needless to say, there was no third date with him! If I ever run into him, I'll be very happy to tell him how wrong he was, but I'm not going to knock myself out to seek him out. : ) )
posted by SisterHavana at 11:34 PM on October 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
And we met online!
(I should add that we met a few months after another guy I met online and had a couple good dates with decided to tell me that classy guys of substance only want to date girls who are skinny. (I am not) He then added "of course you can find a guy to date you but he probably won't be classy and of substance." Needless to say, there was no third date with him! If I ever run into him, I'll be very happy to tell him how wrong he was, but I'm not going to knock myself out to seek him out. : ) )
posted by SisterHavana at 11:34 PM on October 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
What country are you from and where do you live now? You don't have to answer now but these aren't irrelevant imo.
If you feel empty and broken it will be very difficult to attract the kind of guys who will treat you properly. You say it's because of your lack of relationship but a relationship should be a plus to your life, not a necessity. Your career is going well, other aspects of your personal life are in check, you're healthy and feel good about your body and yourself other than the lack of boyfriend? Work on all of those things if the answer to any is no, and just stay as social as possible. You can't meet someone new if you're not meeting anyone new.
posted by hejrat at 10:32 AM on October 4, 2014
If you feel empty and broken it will be very difficult to attract the kind of guys who will treat you properly. You say it's because of your lack of relationship but a relationship should be a plus to your life, not a necessity. Your career is going well, other aspects of your personal life are in check, you're healthy and feel good about your body and yourself other than the lack of boyfriend? Work on all of those things if the answer to any is no, and just stay as social as possible. You can't meet someone new if you're not meeting anyone new.
posted by hejrat at 10:32 AM on October 4, 2014
Some good advice here, and I would second mibo's recommendation to find out more about attachment styles in adult relationships. Those of us with "insecure" attachment styles (myself included) tend to unconsciously become involved with people who are not right for us--thereby reinforcing the narratives we've internalized about relationships in general (i.e., will not be loved in a consistent manner), and our relative worth as romantic partners (i.e., we are not worthy of love and intimacy). It sucks, but it can be worked on if you're aware of your attachment style/orientation and its associated tendencies (and I could be totally wrong about you, but you do have some of the risk factors).
posted by bennett being thrown at 8:16 PM on October 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by bennett being thrown at 8:16 PM on October 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
FWIW, I met my fiancée when I gave up on internet dating. I completely understand why you would choose not to do it. It's time consuming, difficult to be "on" all the time and feel like people are being judgemental about you, and then being unfair to yourself for no reason other than they didn't call back. Plus there is the endless supply of folks whose lives just are not compatible with yours of they just don't have the same life goals.
I'm a little older than you and met my soon to be husband through a social club that I joined to randomly get out of the house once a week and to keep myself sane. Not online, not Facebook, not at a bar...like, the old fashioned way. I just wanted to let you know that it does still work, but it is entirely luck.
posted by floweredfish at 7:02 AM on October 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm a little older than you and met my soon to be husband through a social club that I joined to randomly get out of the house once a week and to keep myself sane. Not online, not Facebook, not at a bar...like, the old fashioned way. I just wanted to let you know that it does still work, but it is entirely luck.
posted by floweredfish at 7:02 AM on October 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
As someone who moved around a bunch, I just want to say that moving is really hard, and it makes total sense that you haven't found someone to date since you arrived in your new place.
posted by salvia at 1:05 PM on October 5, 2014
posted by salvia at 1:05 PM on October 5, 2014
Response by poster: Thank you all for sharing your stories, thoughts, ideas and recommending books, it will give me something to think about and work on, other than just staring at the ceiling and feeling miserable. Although I think I will still spend some time doing that, too:) But I just don't want to turn into an angry, bitter person because of my unsuccessful love life. It will not make me more attractive to men and I then risk losing friends, too. That, having no back up from my family and no partner, would really be tragic.
mibo and bennett being thrown, I have googled attachment styles and it seems to be something I should investigate further. Thanks!
posted by tashkelis at 1:36 PM on October 5, 2014
mibo and bennett being thrown, I have googled attachment styles and it seems to be something I should investigate further. Thanks!
posted by tashkelis at 1:36 PM on October 5, 2014
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You say that you will *never* try online dating again, which might be a mistake. Closing yourself off from the venue where people are specifically searching for what you want? Have you tried more than one site? (I know online dating can be bad, especially for women, but a lot of people have success there.)
You mention hobbies - this is good, if your hobbies are ones that put you in contact with single men around the age you're looking to date. Meetup.com, if there are active groups in your area, can be a good way to meet people.
Maybe other folks have better ideas. Being single in your 30s-40s (or, I guess, later) is no picnic. I hope you find the right person soon, and find much happiness.
posted by jzb at 3:52 PM on October 3, 2014 [3 favorites]