Help me escape an abusive family and its ghosts
October 1, 2014 12:41 PM Subscribe
I grew up in a toxic family. I have cut off contact from most members, but they go to great lengths to find me. This is mentally distressing and sometimes I want to give up. How can I keep them away from me? How can I get past this shame and abuse, especially if I am unable to afford therapy? How do I (not) tell people about my family relationships?
Anon for privacy reasons, more detail and snowflakes below the fold.
I grew up in a toxic family. My father, often so drunk he pissed the floor, molested me. My mother spent her days and nights drunk, and would verbally abuse me, and sometimes lock me in my bedroom without food or human contact for days as punishment. My parents often had screaming, physical fights, and those often involved a sibling. This sibling also physically and verbally abused me, threatening me with knives and guns, and telling me that I was a worthless, fat, loser. I long viewed my mother as a victim, but when I told her about my father's molestation, she responded "I knew, but what was I supposed to do?" (This is too much shame to bear, and I have not even told my supportive partner about this). To add to it all, a few years later, I found out that she and my father had been using my information to open lines of credit, report income, etc., that have tanked my credit, cost me a lot in IRS bills, and stress.
I have cut off contact from my parents for several years and remain in casual contact with the sibling who has drug/addiction problems because I want to maintain a relationship with that sibling's young children if they come to me in case of overdose or death. I have filed reports with the IRS for identity theft. I have moved several states away. I have been fortunate to have a couple of years of therapy that helped me with some tools for dealing with stress and also made me realize that my upbringing was harder than most, which I hadn't ever really realized. (I guess I was broken down enough to go into a survival mode rather than reflect).
Writing it out here seems unreal but it was my reality for many years. I am in my 30s now, and recently finished a prestigious graduate program with younger kids whose parents are on the admissions board of the Ivy Leagues and have summer homes in the Hamptons. I am proud of myself, but really struggling right now. Being around so many elite people drove home how screwed up my upbringing was, and has tanked my self-esteem. I am lucky to have a supportive partner, but don't talk with them much about this stuff and don't want to turn them into my therapist. I am unable to afford therapy currently.
My family has had an upsurge in trying to contact me, and the stress is too much to take. I am getting married next year, and this brings up inevitable questions of my family. I am exhausted answering questions about them and why they won't come to the wedding, why we're not involved, etc. I don't know what, if any, legal actions I can take to keep them away from me. I have recently received more IRS letters for fraudulent back taxes. I am at the end of my rope, overwhelmed, and sad. I think that if I knew I could be _done_ with the family, I could stop feeling so hunted, physically and mentally, and feel a lot better. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to really cut off ties from my family, whether to continue the relationship with my delusional and troubled sibling, and how to move on in my life.
I grew up in a toxic family. My father, often so drunk he pissed the floor, molested me. My mother spent her days and nights drunk, and would verbally abuse me, and sometimes lock me in my bedroom without food or human contact for days as punishment. My parents often had screaming, physical fights, and those often involved a sibling. This sibling also physically and verbally abused me, threatening me with knives and guns, and telling me that I was a worthless, fat, loser. I long viewed my mother as a victim, but when I told her about my father's molestation, she responded "I knew, but what was I supposed to do?" (This is too much shame to bear, and I have not even told my supportive partner about this). To add to it all, a few years later, I found out that she and my father had been using my information to open lines of credit, report income, etc., that have tanked my credit, cost me a lot in IRS bills, and stress.
I have cut off contact from my parents for several years and remain in casual contact with the sibling who has drug/addiction problems because I want to maintain a relationship with that sibling's young children if they come to me in case of overdose or death. I have filed reports with the IRS for identity theft. I have moved several states away. I have been fortunate to have a couple of years of therapy that helped me with some tools for dealing with stress and also made me realize that my upbringing was harder than most, which I hadn't ever really realized. (I guess I was broken down enough to go into a survival mode rather than reflect).
Writing it out here seems unreal but it was my reality for many years. I am in my 30s now, and recently finished a prestigious graduate program with younger kids whose parents are on the admissions board of the Ivy Leagues and have summer homes in the Hamptons. I am proud of myself, but really struggling right now. Being around so many elite people drove home how screwed up my upbringing was, and has tanked my self-esteem. I am lucky to have a supportive partner, but don't talk with them much about this stuff and don't want to turn them into my therapist. I am unable to afford therapy currently.
My family has had an upsurge in trying to contact me, and the stress is too much to take. I am getting married next year, and this brings up inevitable questions of my family. I am exhausted answering questions about them and why they won't come to the wedding, why we're not involved, etc. I don't know what, if any, legal actions I can take to keep them away from me. I have recently received more IRS letters for fraudulent back taxes. I am at the end of my rope, overwhelmed, and sad. I think that if I knew I could be _done_ with the family, I could stop feeling so hunted, physically and mentally, and feel a lot better. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to really cut off ties from my family, whether to continue the relationship with my delusional and troubled sibling, and how to move on in my life.
Can you change your name? That is not going to stop everything, but changing even just your legal name will make it much harder to find you. Also, it will draw a metaphorical line in your life between people who knew you before and people who know you now. Getting married in my state allows you to change your whole name for free. It may be similar in your state.
posted by soelo at 1:01 PM on October 1, 2014 [13 favorites]
posted by soelo at 1:01 PM on October 1, 2014 [13 favorites]
" I am exhausted answering questions about them and why they won't come to the wedding, why we're not involved, etc."
"My parents have serious substance abuse problems and, unfortunately, we are not in contact at this time." It's a half-truth (a quarter-truth!) but 99% of people will understand and back off, and it offers no commentary on you. If anyone presses, add, "It would not be healthy for either of us to be in contact right now."
"This is too much shame to bear, and I have not even told my supportive partner about this"
You did nothing wrong. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. I know shame doesn't respond to logic, but you have literally nothing to be ashamed of, because you did nothing wrong.
Contact a local domestic violence advocacy organization or shelter, and ask them if they can help you with this. They tend to have a concentration of expertise on helping people, legally, with this kind of ongoing harassment and financial entanglement. If they can't help you directly, they will know who can, and they will have low- and no-cost options. They will be able to help you figure out whether to change your name, how to protect your financial information, etc.
Although you are not in a domestic violence situation NOW, most domestic violence organizations help with the aftermath of DV as well, because it is -- as you're demonstrating -- very complicated and lasting.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:05 PM on October 1, 2014 [27 favorites]
"My parents have serious substance abuse problems and, unfortunately, we are not in contact at this time." It's a half-truth (a quarter-truth!) but 99% of people will understand and back off, and it offers no commentary on you. If anyone presses, add, "It would not be healthy for either of us to be in contact right now."
"This is too much shame to bear, and I have not even told my supportive partner about this"
You did nothing wrong. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. I know shame doesn't respond to logic, but you have literally nothing to be ashamed of, because you did nothing wrong.
Contact a local domestic violence advocacy organization or shelter, and ask them if they can help you with this. They tend to have a concentration of expertise on helping people, legally, with this kind of ongoing harassment and financial entanglement. If they can't help you directly, they will know who can, and they will have low- and no-cost options. They will be able to help you figure out whether to change your name, how to protect your financial information, etc.
Although you are not in a domestic violence situation NOW, most domestic violence organizations help with the aftermath of DV as well, because it is -- as you're demonstrating -- very complicated and lasting.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:05 PM on October 1, 2014 [27 favorites]
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. I don't have much advice, but as someone who came from a pretty screwed-up family but has elite institutions on her CV, I wanted to chip in about this: Being around so many elite people drove home how screwed up my upbringing was, and has tanked my self-esteem.
Having money and social status =/= non-horrific upbringing. It shields you from certain kinds of bad stuff, but abuse and substance problems span every socioeconomic class. I've known a lot of kids from really, ridiculously schmancy families, and some of them had hideous, hideous skeletons and damage.
Another way to think about it that these kids had so many advantages you didn't, but they're in the same program as you.
That makes you more awesome, not less.
posted by joyceanmachine at 1:05 PM on October 1, 2014 [27 favorites]
Having money and social status =/= non-horrific upbringing. It shields you from certain kinds of bad stuff, but abuse and substance problems span every socioeconomic class. I've known a lot of kids from really, ridiculously schmancy families, and some of them had hideous, hideous skeletons and damage.
Another way to think about it that these kids had so many advantages you didn't, but they're in the same program as you.
That makes you more awesome, not less.
posted by joyceanmachine at 1:05 PM on October 1, 2014 [27 favorites]
I can't speak to the legal side of things, but I will say that friends and acquaintances pressing you for family details around the wedding should get one and only one line: "It's a sad situation that I don't want to talk about -- I want to be happy about my wedding! Please consider this topic off limits." Any friend who cannot respect that is not a real friend.
However, separately I think it might be good for some people you are really close to to know about this (most especially your partner but maybe one or two best, closest friends too?). I don't think we need to share every detail of our lives/past lives with our partners, but this seems like a big deal that maybe your partner could help you work through, help you strategize, and take on some of the burden. For example, maybe your partner could help you set up an email filter that messages from family would go to, that they keep tabs on and let you know if there's something you really do need to know (i.e. sib's children are about to become wards of the state and you might want to step in), but without you facing these emails on a regular basis.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:20 PM on October 1, 2014 [4 favorites]
However, separately I think it might be good for some people you are really close to to know about this (most especially your partner but maybe one or two best, closest friends too?). I don't think we need to share every detail of our lives/past lives with our partners, but this seems like a big deal that maybe your partner could help you work through, help you strategize, and take on some of the burden. For example, maybe your partner could help you set up an email filter that messages from family would go to, that they keep tabs on and let you know if there's something you really do need to know (i.e. sib's children are about to become wards of the state and you might want to step in), but without you facing these emails on a regular basis.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:20 PM on October 1, 2014 [4 favorites]
I am exhausted answering questions about them and why they won't come to the wedding, why we're not involved, etc.
I don't have good advice on most of these issues, though I think others do. However, on this issue could your partner run interference for you? I know your partner doesn't know everything about your past, but presumably your partner has some idea that you are not in touch with your family due to a abusive childhood. If so, maybe your partner could affirmatively reach out to certain friends and his/her family and explain that you have a painful past (details don't have to be provided unless you okay that), that's why your family won't be coming to the wedding, and that asking you about it is painful and stressful for you. Your partner could really stress that last point.
I'm imagining (and maybe I'm wrong about this) that lots of these questions are coming from your partner's family and friends (I remember my family being very curious about my fiance's family during that period of our lives) so maybe you partner can handle the issue.
posted by Area Man at 1:31 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't have good advice on most of these issues, though I think others do. However, on this issue could your partner run interference for you? I know your partner doesn't know everything about your past, but presumably your partner has some idea that you are not in touch with your family due to a abusive childhood. If so, maybe your partner could affirmatively reach out to certain friends and his/her family and explain that you have a painful past (details don't have to be provided unless you okay that), that's why your family won't be coming to the wedding, and that asking you about it is painful and stressful for you. Your partner could really stress that last point.
I'm imagining (and maybe I'm wrong about this) that lots of these questions are coming from your partner's family and friends (I remember my family being very curious about my fiance's family during that period of our lives) so maybe you partner can handle the issue.
posted by Area Man at 1:31 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Consider overcoming shame and telling all in detail to your future husband and ask his active help in keeping them away from you, and ask him to explain to his relatives on your behalf and to explain that it is too painful for you to discuss with them personally. This is of course easy for me to write and I am just a stranger on the internet.
The reason I suggest this path is that a friend with a similar background (sexual abuse with mother's knowledge and consent, financial exploitation etc), actually legally changed their first name and last name, and asked their spouse to threaten their family by legal means in such a way they would stop contacting them. This was many years ago and as far as I know it still works, their family stopped to pursue them. They got married abroad, and told no one in their family, not even afterwards. their relatives eventually figured out about the new name but the spouse did not mind making themselves unpopular (to put it mildly) and the butt of jokes and kept/keeps up the threats of legal action and actually taking people to court in their name.
I must add that the spouse is really tough and assertive (but not at all in a physical sense, but a scholar and if not fighting their cause buried in books), and very knowledgable in legal and financial matters and simply does not care what anyone thinks of them. The downside is, they are a very close knit couple with very few friends, as the spouse is very very suspicious of anyone which can be tiring.
Wishing you strength,
posted by 15L06 at 1:33 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
The reason I suggest this path is that a friend with a similar background (sexual abuse with mother's knowledge and consent, financial exploitation etc), actually legally changed their first name and last name, and asked their spouse to threaten their family by legal means in such a way they would stop contacting them. This was many years ago and as far as I know it still works, their family stopped to pursue them. They got married abroad, and told no one in their family, not even afterwards. their relatives eventually figured out about the new name but the spouse did not mind making themselves unpopular (to put it mildly) and the butt of jokes and kept/keeps up the threats of legal action and actually taking people to court in their name.
I must add that the spouse is really tough and assertive (but not at all in a physical sense, but a scholar and if not fighting their cause buried in books), and very knowledgable in legal and financial matters and simply does not care what anyone thinks of them. The downside is, they are a very close knit couple with very few friends, as the spouse is very very suspicious of anyone which can be tiring.
Wishing you strength,
posted by 15L06 at 1:33 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
What an absolutely rotten situation for you. It is not your fault, and you have no reason to be ashamed. Sending big hugs.
You don't say how they try to contact you and/or how you have dealt with this. If you haven't done this already, have a lawyer write a letter telling them to stop using your identity, explaining that you have reported the identity fraud to the IRS and the police, that you do not want to have any contact with them. Do all the security steps for identity theft. If you haven't gone to the police about the fraud, go. Set your email to file their email in a folder, and don't look at it. Set your phone to block their calls. Ask your partner to take any mail from them and file it. You keep it only to take to court to get a restraining order, if that becomes necessary.
Wedding? Sadly, I have had to end contact with my biological family. I'm fortunate to have friends and a partner that I regard as family. Ask a close friend or 3 to be aware of possible family shenanigans, including making sure any cash, checks and other gifts are secured.
Truly, it's wrong and unfair that this has happened to you. I can assure you that some of the kids you see at the country club are being abused, and are scared, lonely, and dealing with the effects of abuse. One way to deal with the unfairness is to recognize that you were blessed with resilience, that you have gotten away.
posted by theora55 at 1:37 PM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
You don't say how they try to contact you and/or how you have dealt with this. If you haven't done this already, have a lawyer write a letter telling them to stop using your identity, explaining that you have reported the identity fraud to the IRS and the police, that you do not want to have any contact with them. Do all the security steps for identity theft. If you haven't gone to the police about the fraud, go. Set your email to file their email in a folder, and don't look at it. Set your phone to block their calls. Ask your partner to take any mail from them and file it. You keep it only to take to court to get a restraining order, if that becomes necessary.
Wedding? Sadly, I have had to end contact with my biological family. I'm fortunate to have friends and a partner that I regard as family. Ask a close friend or 3 to be aware of possible family shenanigans, including making sure any cash, checks and other gifts are secured.
Truly, it's wrong and unfair that this has happened to you. I can assure you that some of the kids you see at the country club are being abused, and are scared, lonely, and dealing with the effects of abuse. One way to deal with the unfairness is to recognize that you were blessed with resilience, that you have gotten away.
posted by theora55 at 1:37 PM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
Go to an Al-Anon meeting. You don't have to talk, just go and sit if that's all you can stand to do, but take advantage of the footwork that's likely been done there to gather resources that may be cheap or free in your area.
Also, you need to draw a legal line across your credit history if you have not already done so. Before you get married. You need to pursue the identity fraud as if it were strangers doing it. You need to put a freeze on your credit, do the police report, and you need to look into pursuing a change of SSN. You can probably get more information on how to do all that from a local domestic violence resource - and as Eyebrows McGee said, you don't need to be experiencing DV right this minute (though you are, they are still abusing you) to use those resources.
There might be some options for you with regard to restraining orders or no-contact orders. You're probably assuming there's no point because they're not coming near you(yet), but there are other kinds of protective orders too. Again, talk to your local DV organizations to at least get more info.
What to say to people depends on how nuclear you are interested in being. I think I would go with, "They are not allowed to contact me" because it tells everyone everything they need to know about the severity of the situation, and to shut up and stay out of it, and also to not get social-engineered into giving away information about you.
It is clear that you have taken on the shame your parents should feel (or maybe worthlessness is a better word for it; you have internalized the worthlessness they manufactured to justify their own hideous behavior). There are books at your library that you can start with for free, just to put a toe in the water, while you deal with some of the lowest-hanging legal fruit and gather more information about how you can get therapy and support.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:49 PM on October 1, 2014 [13 favorites]
Also, you need to draw a legal line across your credit history if you have not already done so. Before you get married. You need to pursue the identity fraud as if it were strangers doing it. You need to put a freeze on your credit, do the police report, and you need to look into pursuing a change of SSN. You can probably get more information on how to do all that from a local domestic violence resource - and as Eyebrows McGee said, you don't need to be experiencing DV right this minute (though you are, they are still abusing you) to use those resources.
There might be some options for you with regard to restraining orders or no-contact orders. You're probably assuming there's no point because they're not coming near you(yet), but there are other kinds of protective orders too. Again, talk to your local DV organizations to at least get more info.
What to say to people depends on how nuclear you are interested in being. I think I would go with, "They are not allowed to contact me" because it tells everyone everything they need to know about the severity of the situation, and to shut up and stay out of it, and also to not get social-engineered into giving away information about you.
It is clear that you have taken on the shame your parents should feel (or maybe worthlessness is a better word for it; you have internalized the worthlessness they manufactured to justify their own hideous behavior). There are books at your library that you can start with for free, just to put a toe in the water, while you deal with some of the lowest-hanging legal fruit and gather more information about how you can get therapy and support.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:49 PM on October 1, 2014 [13 favorites]
I love the idea of changing your name. I'd also consider asking the Social Security Administration for a new SS number to at least put an end to the ongoing IRS/financial fraud situation. When they issue a new number, they mark the old one with a note about fraud, etc. So, at least new problems can't arise from the old number being continually used for fraud.
When you get married, you can request that your marriage records be private. Opt-in for that so that your family has a harder time finding you. Try to change or obscure the ways that your family is trying to contact you now. If your sibling is leading your family to you, cut off contact for now. You can always change your mind about contact when the kids are older.
No one is entitled to know your reasons why you are not in contact with your family. Politely tell anyone who asks that you grew up in difficult and abusive circumstances and that you prefer not to discuss it. Repeat as necessary.
It sounds like you've made yourself into a tremendous success personally and professionally despite an upbringing that would have destroyed many. You should feel proud among the elites as you've survived more than many of them will have to face and your achievements are your own and not the result of silver spoons and connections. Lean on your husband. He doesn't have to be your therapist, but he does have to be a support you can lean on when needed. The shame rightfully piled onto the abusers is not your shame. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing to deserve this. And, through sheer strength of will and character, you have achieved great things despite the abuse. This internet stranger is proud of you.
Finally, have you read this book: Toxic Parents - Overcoming their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life? It's helped several people I know who suffered horrifically abusive childhoods at the hands of terrible parents.
Congratulations on the upcoming marriage and I hope that formalization of your new family ties is a healing experience for you.
posted by quince at 2:00 PM on October 1, 2014 [11 favorites]
When you get married, you can request that your marriage records be private. Opt-in for that so that your family has a harder time finding you. Try to change or obscure the ways that your family is trying to contact you now. If your sibling is leading your family to you, cut off contact for now. You can always change your mind about contact when the kids are older.
No one is entitled to know your reasons why you are not in contact with your family. Politely tell anyone who asks that you grew up in difficult and abusive circumstances and that you prefer not to discuss it. Repeat as necessary.
It sounds like you've made yourself into a tremendous success personally and professionally despite an upbringing that would have destroyed many. You should feel proud among the elites as you've survived more than many of them will have to face and your achievements are your own and not the result of silver spoons and connections. Lean on your husband. He doesn't have to be your therapist, but he does have to be a support you can lean on when needed. The shame rightfully piled onto the abusers is not your shame. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing to deserve this. And, through sheer strength of will and character, you have achieved great things despite the abuse. This internet stranger is proud of you.
Finally, have you read this book: Toxic Parents - Overcoming their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life? It's helped several people I know who suffered horrifically abusive childhoods at the hands of terrible parents.
Congratulations on the upcoming marriage and I hope that formalization of your new family ties is a healing experience for you.
posted by quince at 2:00 PM on October 1, 2014 [11 favorites]
For people asking about the family -"we're not close" should do it. I come from a very "But FAMILY is all things" background but I definitely wouldn't pry further if someone said "we're not close." It says enough, I think.
posted by sweetkid at 2:01 PM on October 1, 2014
posted by sweetkid at 2:01 PM on October 1, 2014
I know someone with a past not unlike yours, and as was suggested above, she went by a different name. I'm pretty sure she didn't have it changed legally, because she had some bills under her original name. But she didn't use that name among friends or casual coworkers (I suppose HR knew her legal name?).
The surname she used in lieu of her original one was very obviously not her birth surname (it made a pun with her very common first name, a la "Mary Haddalittlelamb"), which made it pretty clear to everyone that she wasn't really family-of-origin oriented and didn't want to talk about that stuff at all. Also, by having the vast majority of people in her life knowing her by a different name, it was an easy screen for potential family looking for her. Simply because they couldn't call up her work and say, "Is Jen Lastname in?" Nobody knew a Jen Lastname or associated her with that name. The only people who really had info about her would either be bound by law/corporate privacy policies not to share information about her, or close enough to her to know the situation with her family.
Re randos who ask nosy questions based on assumptions, "What song are you and your dad going to dance to at your wedding reception?", etc, fuck em. FWIW I've been to weddings where one of the people getting married very conspicuously didn't have immediate family members involved. There was a pat one sentence explanation (provided by a member of the bridal party), like "couldn't make it", "they don't get along", etc. I'm sure there was a lot more to that story, but it's not my place, and polite people won't pry beyond that. Make sure the people you're close to who are involved in your wedding are armed with this stock phrase for folks who ask well-meaning questions.
posted by Sara C. at 2:08 PM on October 1, 2014
The surname she used in lieu of her original one was very obviously not her birth surname (it made a pun with her very common first name, a la "Mary Haddalittlelamb"), which made it pretty clear to everyone that she wasn't really family-of-origin oriented and didn't want to talk about that stuff at all. Also, by having the vast majority of people in her life knowing her by a different name, it was an easy screen for potential family looking for her. Simply because they couldn't call up her work and say, "Is Jen Lastname in?" Nobody knew a Jen Lastname or associated her with that name. The only people who really had info about her would either be bound by law/corporate privacy policies not to share information about her, or close enough to her to know the situation with her family.
Re randos who ask nosy questions based on assumptions, "What song are you and your dad going to dance to at your wedding reception?", etc, fuck em. FWIW I've been to weddings where one of the people getting married very conspicuously didn't have immediate family members involved. There was a pat one sentence explanation (provided by a member of the bridal party), like "couldn't make it", "they don't get along", etc. I'm sure there was a lot more to that story, but it's not my place, and polite people won't pry beyond that. Make sure the people you're close to who are involved in your wedding are armed with this stock phrase for folks who ask well-meaning questions.
posted by Sara C. at 2:08 PM on October 1, 2014
If you're familiar with AskMe, then you know that in almost every abuse/stalker question someone will recommend The Gift of Fear. That's because it truly is the "bible" on the subject: informative, accessible, broad. That book's analog on this subject is How to Be Invisible by JJ Luna. Some people have offered good suggestions above, but you'll get better and more thorough coverage of these ideas in that book. In my area, eight libraries own copies; you could also special-order it from a bookstore and flip through the first few chapters in the store before deciding whether to buy. I think the first couple (very short) chapters are representative of the book as a whole: its advice is sometimes extreme, but if you read it not as gospel but rather as education about what privacy options exist, then it is tremendously useful. Even if you implement none of Luna's suggestions, your decision will be informed, not default.
I'm sorry for your troubles and pain. Congratulations on your graduation and wedding, and good luck.
posted by cribcage at 2:22 PM on October 1, 2014 [4 favorites]
I'm sorry for your troubles and pain. Congratulations on your graduation and wedding, and good luck.
posted by cribcage at 2:22 PM on October 1, 2014 [4 favorites]
If money is tight, feel free to email me and I will buy you the books suggested above. I believe you can do this without sharing your address or identity e.g. via an Amazon wish list.
posted by rada at 3:11 PM on October 1, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by rada at 3:11 PM on October 1, 2014 [5 favorites]
So much love and hugs.
You can Memail anytime. I'm 20 years out, happily married with a wonderful son, and I am HAPPY to discuss the minutiae over Memail as it arises for you.
- I grew up severely abused (not really similar to your story, tho) in an upper middle class neighborhood. Yep. It tanks your self-esteem. YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS.
- You need legal aid or a lawyer to advocate on your behalf with the IRS and work on some sort of restraining order/charges for the identity fraud. You at least require a few FREE consultations because I fear you do not understand how much you can do to stop them and protect yourself.
- I don't hesitate to mention I grew up abused IRL, if it is appropriate to the conversation or relationship. So, I would not tell an employer, employee, a co-worker or client, but I have mentioned it in context to general friends, etc.. It's important to me to educate others, to be "out" about things I was powerless over, to set an example. You're a ways out from this, but it is a milestone you'll reach. One day it will be no more "charged" than saying "I had a serious illness as a child" - for that's what it was.
- Lastly. You need to understand this has to be The End.
The terminology you are looking for is not "Toxic Family," I believe the phrase, "Severely Abusive" is appropriate. You should have zero shame saying at any time, "Unfortunately my family was abusive and we are no longer in contact."
You NEVER need to elaborate of say more. It's OK to say, "I don't want to discuss this further."
---
There's so much more. So, so much.
I'm sorry. Truly sorry.
Eventually your partner needs to join you in this journey. Once you marry, his credit will be effected, too. Your partner can help you take important steps that will shield you both. You likely need a counselor to help you get to this stage if disclosure and asking for help. I understand. Please don't be down on yourself. This is a process.
My deepest congratulations regarding graduation!!
Please take it one step at a time.
posted by jbenben at 3:22 PM on October 1, 2014 [9 favorites]
You can Memail anytime. I'm 20 years out, happily married with a wonderful son, and I am HAPPY to discuss the minutiae over Memail as it arises for you.
- I grew up severely abused (not really similar to your story, tho) in an upper middle class neighborhood. Yep. It tanks your self-esteem. YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS.
- You need legal aid or a lawyer to advocate on your behalf with the IRS and work on some sort of restraining order/charges for the identity fraud. You at least require a few FREE consultations because I fear you do not understand how much you can do to stop them and protect yourself.
- I don't hesitate to mention I grew up abused IRL, if it is appropriate to the conversation or relationship. So, I would not tell an employer, employee, a co-worker or client, but I have mentioned it in context to general friends, etc.. It's important to me to educate others, to be "out" about things I was powerless over, to set an example. You're a ways out from this, but it is a milestone you'll reach. One day it will be no more "charged" than saying "I had a serious illness as a child" - for that's what it was.
- Lastly. You need to understand this has to be The End.
The terminology you are looking for is not "Toxic Family," I believe the phrase, "Severely Abusive" is appropriate. You should have zero shame saying at any time, "Unfortunately my family was abusive and we are no longer in contact."
You NEVER need to elaborate of say more. It's OK to say, "I don't want to discuss this further."
---
There's so much more. So, so much.
I'm sorry. Truly sorry.
Eventually your partner needs to join you in this journey. Once you marry, his credit will be effected, too. Your partner can help you take important steps that will shield you both. You likely need a counselor to help you get to this stage if disclosure and asking for help. I understand. Please don't be down on yourself. This is a process.
My deepest congratulations regarding graduation!!
Please take it one step at a time.
posted by jbenben at 3:22 PM on October 1, 2014 [9 favorites]
Another person with elite degrees and a family I no longer talk to. We are there. Not all of your classmates are as shiny as they look.
posted by 3491again at 3:49 PM on October 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by 3491again at 3:49 PM on October 1, 2014 [6 favorites]
I think Lyn Never and jbenben have given the advice I would want to give, so I'll just add that there is likely a free legal aid clinic near you - a lot of attorneys do volunteer work to help people in situations like yours, and at the very least you can get some free consultations. You probably want to start with a family attorney, since they'll likely have experience both with tax issues and restraining orders.
I second treating the tax fraud issue as though a stranger is doing it. Ask about your remedies and how to prevent it from continuing, and how to use the long arm of the IRS to your advantage. Get your SSN changed.
With changing your name - are you planning to take your partner's name when you get married? How about another name that you like? Marriages are often a free name change opportunity, but ask your lawyer when it would be smartest to change your name. I'd try to look at this as a chrysalis moment: Anon Oldname was still dealing with family stuff, but Anon Newname has a whole new life opening in front of them.
With social media, you may want to delete your accounts, create new accounts with your shiny new name, and be wary of anyone who is mutually friends with your family. I know you have contact with your sibling's kids and I don't know how old they are, but this could be a conduit for information passing where you don't want it. Talk to your lawyer about how to handle this - the situation with the kids, and how to shut down and reestablish your social media network. You may want to check into how much the attorney knows about or uses social media, since a lot of older attorneys don't get how essential it is for many people 40 and under. Some do, just be aware that this can be an issue.
posted by bile and syntax at 3:56 PM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
I second treating the tax fraud issue as though a stranger is doing it. Ask about your remedies and how to prevent it from continuing, and how to use the long arm of the IRS to your advantage. Get your SSN changed.
With changing your name - are you planning to take your partner's name when you get married? How about another name that you like? Marriages are often a free name change opportunity, but ask your lawyer when it would be smartest to change your name. I'd try to look at this as a chrysalis moment: Anon Oldname was still dealing with family stuff, but Anon Newname has a whole new life opening in front of them.
With social media, you may want to delete your accounts, create new accounts with your shiny new name, and be wary of anyone who is mutually friends with your family. I know you have contact with your sibling's kids and I don't know how old they are, but this could be a conduit for information passing where you don't want it. Talk to your lawyer about how to handle this - the situation with the kids, and how to shut down and reestablish your social media network. You may want to check into how much the attorney knows about or uses social media, since a lot of older attorneys don't get how essential it is for many people 40 and under. Some do, just be aware that this can be an issue.
posted by bile and syntax at 3:56 PM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]
If an anonymous group of people to talk to who have Been There might be useful, check out Al-anon. Your Al-anon will vary, but the ones around here anyway are full of people working on bettering themselves and their lives despite upbringings even as abusive as yours. For me it's a huge help to have people who both understand and don't pity you for it. (Pity is so ick to me.)
Hugs to you!
posted by small_ruminant at 4:18 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Hugs to you!
posted by small_ruminant at 4:18 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also, I know everyone recommends the Gift of Fear. It has a lot to teach that's worthwhile, but it's wrapped in a condescending and paternalistic wrapper, so take what you like and leave the rest! I was very grateful that someone warned me how icky the writing style is and that it had worthwhile things to say despite it, or I would have thrown it away one chapter in.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:20 PM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by small_ruminant at 4:20 PM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
And here's another problem with The Gift of Fear: It tells you to trust your intuition. If you grew up in an abusive situation? Your intuition is shit. Mine was til I sort of... recalibrated it, (with the help of other people in Al-anon). Basically, I trusted people I shouldn't have, and I was afraid of anyone who wasn't actively smiling at me.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:24 PM on October 1, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by small_ruminant at 4:24 PM on October 1, 2014 [8 favorites]
I agree that your family isn't toxic they're horrendously abusive. You have gone through a lot.
How much have you talked to your partner about this? I realize you don't want to burden them, but if they love you they want to support you. You might feel a lot better if you open up more. It's hard I know! But it's great to get the burden off your shoulders.
posted by radioamy at 4:43 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
How much have you talked to your partner about this? I realize you don't want to burden them, but if they love you they want to support you. You might feel a lot better if you open up more. It's hard I know! But it's great to get the burden off your shoulders.
posted by radioamy at 4:43 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
For absolutely sure, go to Al-Anon. It's free, and you'll find fellowship there.
As for feeling shame, you have to trust me here, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Sit down with your partner and tell him/her everything. It's scary and I get that, but once you reveal it all, you will be amazed at the relief you feel, and the depth of your partner's love in helping you to heal. There's a saying in the 12-step world, 'you're only as sick as your secrets.' I find that openly discussing things is very freeing and most people are very understanding. But this is something that you should do at your own pace. But again, get to Al-Anon.
As for telling your partner, it would't be making him your therapist, it would be sharing an integral part of who you are, and why you are the way you are, with him. He may find what you tell him hard to listen to, because he loves you and hates that you were hurt that way. But a true partner will comfort and protect you. He deserves to know because he deserves to know how strong and resilient you are.
As for explaining to people about your family relationship all you have to say is, "The less said, the better." No real friend will follow that up. At some point you may want to disclose to your close friends that you had an abusive childhood, but again, that's for you to decide in your own time. If anyone presses you are allowed to say, "It would be impolite of you to pursue this further, but if you do, I will tell you things that will make you regret your curiosity. People don't cut off their families lightly." Then master an evil look.
I would not keep in contact with a sibling who is delusional and addicted. Again, Al-Anon will help you with those kinds of boundaries. It sucks for his/her children, but you have to save yourself first, and it's okay for you to be selfish in this regard.
You have escaped against all odds, you have prospered in spite of considerable obstacles, you have built a wonderful life with a loving partner. Congratulations.
Much love and healing to you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:49 PM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
As for feeling shame, you have to trust me here, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Sit down with your partner and tell him/her everything. It's scary and I get that, but once you reveal it all, you will be amazed at the relief you feel, and the depth of your partner's love in helping you to heal. There's a saying in the 12-step world, 'you're only as sick as your secrets.' I find that openly discussing things is very freeing and most people are very understanding. But this is something that you should do at your own pace. But again, get to Al-Anon.
As for telling your partner, it would't be making him your therapist, it would be sharing an integral part of who you are, and why you are the way you are, with him. He may find what you tell him hard to listen to, because he loves you and hates that you were hurt that way. But a true partner will comfort and protect you. He deserves to know because he deserves to know how strong and resilient you are.
As for explaining to people about your family relationship all you have to say is, "The less said, the better." No real friend will follow that up. At some point you may want to disclose to your close friends that you had an abusive childhood, but again, that's for you to decide in your own time. If anyone presses you are allowed to say, "It would be impolite of you to pursue this further, but if you do, I will tell you things that will make you regret your curiosity. People don't cut off their families lightly." Then master an evil look.
I would not keep in contact with a sibling who is delusional and addicted. Again, Al-Anon will help you with those kinds of boundaries. It sucks for his/her children, but you have to save yourself first, and it's okay for you to be selfish in this regard.
You have escaped against all odds, you have prospered in spite of considerable obstacles, you have built a wonderful life with a loving partner. Congratulations.
Much love and healing to you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:49 PM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
Wow, I'm sorry you went through all that.
You should be able to find a therapist, no matter what you can pay. Call a few local therapists and ask if they or somebody they know will see you on a sliding scale. If you are near a large university, it's possible they'll have an intern program for therapists and you can see somebody that way. I'm perpetually broke, but I was able to work out an amazing rate through a university program. Just keep calling, you'll find somebody!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:01 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
You should be able to find a therapist, no matter what you can pay. Call a few local therapists and ask if they or somebody they know will see you on a sliding scale. If you are near a large university, it's possible they'll have an intern program for therapists and you can see somebody that way. I'm perpetually broke, but I was able to work out an amazing rate through a university program. Just keep calling, you'll find somebody!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:01 PM on October 1, 2014 [1 favorite]
if you don't want to get into the abuse thing when explaining your family's absence from your life, you can just cite the substance abuse, like "they're bad news, with serious substance abuse problems, I had to cut them off a while ago. We're no longer in touch." Obviously you have nothing to be ashamed of in terms of the abuse, but that doesn't mean you might not want to avoid bringing it up. Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:06 PM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:06 PM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]
Most of your issues have been covered my earlier commenters, so my contribution is this: regarding the persistent identity theft and fraud by your family, have you looked into Identity Theft Protection Insurance?
posted by Ardea alba at 7:59 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Ardea alba at 7:59 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
« Older Can I eat it? Avocado Pizza edition | I'm considering applying for a part-time PhD in... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
As for avoiding your family's outreach, there are a couple things you can try.
1. Not sure if it's possible under these circumstances, but can you get a restraining order prohibiting contact?
2. Change your email address and phone number, and lock down your social media accounts.
3. Answer them when they contact and say "I don't want any further contact. Please don't call/email/etc. again. This is not up for debate. If I ever do want to communicate with you, I'll contact you first."
4. Block their numbers, set up email filters so their messages go straight to trash. Block them on social media.
If your sibling is truly troubled and delusional, and in regular contact with your parents, it's probably best to cut off contact there too - otherwise they will still find ways to get to you through the sibling.
Finally - you say you cannot afford therapy - but have you looked into therapists who operate on a sliding scale? The things you experienced make you a prime candidate for continued therapy (despite your amazing progress so far - congrats on that!) and therapists are much more likely to agree to a very reduced fee for a case like yours.
posted by trivia genius at 12:57 PM on October 1, 2014 [11 favorites]