How to talk to girls at parties

September 26, 2014 4:07 PM

I have a party to go to. It will be all women, most of whom have children and are doing the suburban mum thing. Although I share the first qualification, I don't have kids. Degree of difficulty: I will have spent the whole day at work being "on" for the general public and I am an introvert. Plus I have to do the same tomorrow. How do I get through this party?

It's an old friend's 40th so not going is not an option unless genuinely at death's door. I won't be able to drink much because driving and working tomorrow, plus that was something I did in my 20s to cope with parties and it never worked that well.

I'll know 2 of the attendees, including my friend. Even at the best of times, we have a hard time conversing because our lives have so little in common. Also my friend has a tendency to shut down topics she does not want to hear about.

I don't plan to stay long, but I do need to go. Please help me find a coping strategy that leaves me sane enough to handle work tomorrow as well!

posted by Athanassiel to Human Relations (31 answers total)

Ask them about their kids.
posted by sparklemotion at 4:12 PM on September 26, 2014 [9 favorites]

Just like... talk to them? Does it matter if you have anything in common? This is what small talk is invented for. Ask them about their kids and their hobbies and their houses and talk about the local sports teams and the weather and light news items (no politics/heavy stuff, obviously). Just like... chat for a while. Is there a reason you're expecting this to be so difficult?
posted by brainmouse at 4:19 PM on September 26, 2014 [6 favorites]

When I find myself in these situations, I find it helpful to:

- Smile
- Relax
- Pretend that I am a friendly, thoughtful, sparkling conversationalist

When I do these three things, it's amazing how often I find myself having fun when I least expect it!
posted by WaspEnterprises at 4:20 PM on September 26, 2014 [3 favorites]

Yep, ask about their kids and tell them they have a beautiful family if they show you pictures. Honestly, my guess is that they're going to be so excited to talk to a grown up that doesn't have kids to talk about, they'll carry the conversation for you. Show up, have a glass of wine, compliment the birthday hostess and everyone's family, then scamper early and blame work.

When you get home, have another glass of wine.
posted by mibo at 4:23 PM on September 26, 2014 [6 favorites]

I think you need to reframe this as a positive. People with children are, like, super easy to talk to-- you just ask them about their kids and sit back while they ramble on. Be ready with some fake "Awwwww, so cuuuuute!" squeals for when the cell phone pics come out, and otherwise you can pretty much count on spending the evening on autopilot.

Good starter questions:
"Aww! How old?"
"So what's he doing new lately?"
"I've heard that's a really tough age. Does she give you a run for your money?"
"So what's the childcare scene like around here?"
[for families of >2 kids] "How do they get along? Do they play much together?"

Subsequently, just smile, nod, insert generic comments like, "I can't even imagine!" and "Phew, really?". Rinse, repeat.
posted by Bardolph at 4:28 PM on September 26, 2014 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Okay, I feel a need for some follow-up information: I am only good at talking about kids for about 20 minutes unless I know and care about either the people or their kids. I think my ability to fake interest is deficient, because people can usually tell that I've lost interest and then it gets very awkward. So, if talking about children is really the only answer here, how can I seem interested?

Small talk is not a thing I am good at.
posted by Athanassiel at 4:46 PM on September 26, 2014

People love to talk about themselves. Listen for specific details, ask about those.

My go-to question for getting started is "Did you grow up here, or did you move here?"

The thing to be mindful of is turning it into an interrogation. Tell some relatable small story that mentions one of those details.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 4:47 PM on September 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

There was a piece I read recently (maybe here) in which a person explained that their two secret tricks for conversations with new people were to: 1) go as long as humanly possible before going to the "So what do you do?" well; and 2) when they tell you what their job is, say kindly, "Wow, that sounds hard."

I have been experimenting with both of these things and I find they both work marvelously.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 4:49 PM on September 26, 2014 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Can you appoint yourself the unofficial party photographer, bartender, etc? Having a task always makes it easier for me.
posted by hishtafel at 4:50 PM on September 26, 2014 [9 favorites]

1. Think of these women as people. Don't freak out about how you don't have anything in common with them. Talk about stuff you find interesting.

2. If it were me, I'd find a way to "stay on" after work. Switching off to "private" mode after work makes it much much harder for me to switch back on and be "public" again.
posted by jaguar at 4:54 PM on September 26, 2014 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Be polite.
posted by alms at 4:55 PM on September 26, 2014 [8 favorites]

"So, if talking about children is really the only answer here, how can I seem interested?"

"Wow, that sounds like a lot. What do you do to refresh yourself away from the kids?"
posted by klangklangston at 5:04 PM on September 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

If you don't enjoy kid chat, you can also ask how they like to relax when they get a moment on their own or what their ideal thing yo do would be (mom fantasy prompt!).

Another sure thing is to ask how they met your mutual friend/ the birthday person. If they have favorite stories about friend you maybe could entice these by telling one of your own that highlights how much your friend means to you or some positive quality about friend.

Showing appreciation of others, in my experience will show them you have a lot going on, even if quiet about yourself, and it is good neutral ground because everyone is there for this friend.

Another trick is to join a groups and let them do most of the talking while you smile and listen attentively. If you look at the speaker and smile or laugh when they are funny you can help enliven a conversation as much as any chatty person. Maybe more, some chatty people (I am one) are too talkative! As any actor knows, it's the audience who gives the energy to the performer, and so it is with a group.
posted by chapps at 5:07 PM on September 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

Non-kid small talk:

* How do you know Birthday Friend?
* How long have you lived in Town?
* How long have you had your house? (People fucking love to talk about their real estate)
* What is your family doing for Halloween this year?
posted by DarlingBri at 5:09 PM on September 26, 2014 [6 favorites]

I'm not a mom but I do meet new people all the time and go to parties where I don't know anybody. Maybe stop stereotyping them and just say hi and introduce yourself and ask questions about whatever they're talking about? Ask them where they're living, how old the kids are, etc.

Just be nice and kind.
posted by discopolo at 5:11 PM on September 26, 2014

Best answer: If 20 minutes is your limit, then talk for 20 minutes! Then, when you find yourself fading, excuse yourself. Go get a canape, feign having to use the bathroom, say you want to get some fresh air... Just moving around can help reset yourself.

You don't have to be "on" for these people. Remember, talking is a two way street. If you feel like it isn't working, its not just up to you to deal with it. Try, and if it doesn't click, give yourself 10 minutes and then move on.
posted by troytroy at 5:11 PM on September 26, 2014 [6 favorites]

TV shows are often a good connector to people you don't know. Or any pop culture issue (maybe something you saw on MeFi - or Twitter, FB, reddit, etc).

If this were your ideal party, who would be there and what would they talk about? Try that. These women may not be as alien as you imagine. They're just people who are helping to carry on the human race. They might even be interesting.
posted by mdn at 5:12 PM on September 26, 2014 [5 favorites]

Also, what troytroy said bears repeating. Nobody demands that you be "on." Most people just want you to be relaxed and nice. It's fine to say,"Sorry for being so quiet. I'm so tired!"
posted by discopolo at 5:15 PM on September 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm an introvert, and my recent successful strategy is to come up with a few things that I want to achieve at the party for myself. Before I go, I gather a mental list of topics that I would like to know more about that someone at the party might be able to answer. So, if you're planning a trip somewhere, ask people if they've been there and have recommendations. Books, movies, music, tv shows, home improvement, local shops, doctors, restaurants, classes, hobbies, random things you tried that didn't go well... you can get opinions on any of it. I find that this strategy keeps me busy and is less draining, because I walk out with useful information.
posted by xo at 5:30 PM on September 26, 2014 [31 favorites]

My friend Trixie and I were invited to a baby shower where every other woman there was the partner of an NFL football player. We fretted about how boring they'd be, and how we needed a plan to dip out as quickly as possible.

We knew we were in trouble when the mansion we pulled up to had a pool table in the dining room and a foosball table. We plastered on smiles and reviewed our distress signals again.

Funny thing though. All of these women were DEAD interesting! One was an OB/GYN, another was a therapist, the others were educated and had conversation and we ended up having a great time!

So go to the party and talk with just one or two people, don't talk about their kids if that's not your bag. Ask them where they're planning a vacation, where they went to school, if they work and where, what they're planning to go as for Halloween. Just listen and smile.

Most people had lives before they had children, and they have interests above and beyond children. I know, it's weird, but there it is.

I find that 30 minutes is plenty at a shitty party.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:34 PM on September 26, 2014 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Ask if they've seen the latest Benedict Cumberbatch photos. And wouldn't you love to see him actually play Mr Darcy. That's what all my mom friends are talking about.
posted by CathyG at 6:05 PM on September 26, 2014

My experience with suburban mom types is that they love talking about things that are not their kids. Just because they're moms doesn't mean they've opted out of being people.

Ask them questions about themselves. "What did you do today?" is a good conversation opener for me. Even if it's about kids. Kids are also people, so asking about them as an extension of the person isn't that alien to me.
posted by sweetkid at 6:12 PM on September 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Oh my. I know this trepidation.

Yes, you need either a plan or a prop. Perhaps both.

I suggest you pull them to your ground on their topics. Pull out every compliment you can find "Gorgeous wedding ring!" "You have the shiniest hair!" "Those shoes!" And demand to know every detail. Every detail. Every woman gets your gushing compliments, but quietly and privately. It's a private conversation not for the rest of the room. Each woman thinks you are the kindest confidant in the room. Sharing an intimate detail will cement the relationship ("I've always wanted a family heirloom ring but my mother died last year" or "I always feel awkward in a crowd of new people and I hope I don't get an upset stomach like I did at the last party. If you see me rushing for the bathroom please be my bathroom bodyguard! Ha ha ha!"). These compliments will also be something each woman will remember months later. A compliment from a stranger is always sweet.


If you have strong reasons to make these women like you or become loyal to you, a second idea is to show up with props. But this must be very unobtrusive. No spotlight can be taken from the birthday girl or the party. "Oh we had an event at work and we have all of these leftover splits of champagne - would you like one?"
Or
"My mother has too many tomatoes/fall berries/etc and they are in the car. Could you use some? How do you use them?"

The splits will cost you a bit, but the produce could be bought cheaply at a farmers market. It's ok to buy gifts for future friends!

I wish you the best of luck and an night of genuine connections. Open your heart and see these women as the possible future friends that they are.
posted by littlewater at 6:18 PM on September 26, 2014 [5 favorites]

Best answer: We are all human beings, us women. Ask what their career was before, what were their dreams before. I bet you get more than one woman telling you. My cousin is an architectural historian, and she redid a famous museum before she got married and had kids.

I guarantee if you ask one woman what she planned on her in life as a teenager, you will get an earful.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:58 PM on September 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

I for one, was a theater major. I got an A in directing a scene from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, which is where I met my current husband. He was my Brick. He was a shallow ballet dancer, with whom I had an affair, and then I got pregnant, and he choked. He wanted me to have an abortion, and I refused. So he and I went our separate ways, for 25 years. I cursed him a lot. And that's all you're going to get from me, unless you make some conversation.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 7:05 PM on September 26, 2014 [3 favorites]

There's a lot of great advice in this thread, particularly the pieces that say you have more in common with the people at this party than not.

I do think that littlewater's advice works, but is in the category of advanced socialization, and has to be executed masterfully to work. Nothing makes me uncomfortable faster than someone who wants to give me a gift for maybe-loyalty reasons, or is over-sharing her bathroom problems when I'm still trying to remember her name. I would seriously rank conversations where those techniques were not well deployed as some of the worst (in terms of party banter) conversations I've ever had.
posted by fermezporte at 7:40 PM on September 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I can't handle being "on" for that length of time. If it were me, I would arrive, gush a bit over my friend, and then find somewhere to sit. If conversations come my way, that's cool; if not, that's fine too, and as long as I maintain a pleasant and open expression, my quietness does not attract enough attention for people to notice that I'm not necessarily engaging with anybody. So if you can't find the energy for the other excellent suggestions, this is something you can pull off for 45 minutes before you can escape.
posted by metasarah at 7:50 PM on September 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Feel free to park yourself in/next to the most boisterous group and just zone out while they all carry the conversation. Smile and laugh when everyone else does it.

No, this isn't a great way to genuinely interact with people. It is a great way to get "points" for participating without having to do anything (since you can't get a word in edgewise, either way).
posted by nobejen at 8:28 PM on September 26, 2014

Set up a friend to call you at a specific time, about 45 minutes after you get there. Need to take the call. Walk outside. Do the silent exit. Call birthday girl next day to apologize for abrupt exit but work matter came up for event that day.
posted by 724A at 8:52 PM on September 26, 2014

Asking questions about things works really well for me. Don't ask too many, but if you ask a couple and respond to the answers after listening, people really feel heard and understood (and you get some deeper meaning out of the conversation). You can ask about things like what they would do if they had an extra 2 hours per day, how they met/how long they've known Friend, etc.

A prop is excellent - and most especially a camera in this case. Just take a lot of pictures of everyone there and when they ask, you can say you are documenting this amazing, wonderful party for Friend and ask them to pose for the camera (ask them to do anything but smile, since you'd like something unusual, memorable, or perhaps just real). Alternatively, ask everyone you run into for their favorite story about Friend. This is the person who interests you, and so that might be fun stuff to hear.

If you have known this friend for a long time, they will be really glad you came to the party and understand when you leave well before it is over! They will get it!
posted by AllieTessKipp at 11:10 PM on September 26, 2014

Response by poster: I went with origami paper and the ability to talk about Benedict Cumberbatch, with former teen idols who are now over 50 as backup. It was much smaller and easier to deal with than I thought it would be. One woman did talk a lot about her kids and husband, but it was ok. I think I just needed a plan, which many of you helped with. Anyone else with a similar anxiety about parties, I highly recommend learning how to make origami lotuses or cranes. Gives you a useful distraction plus you can give them to people.
posted by Athanassiel at 5:56 AM on September 27, 2014 [6 favorites]