Please tell me how to get through this breakup with sanity intact
September 20, 2014 11:23 PM Subscribe
I went through a breakup this summer and the mental aftermath has put me in a very bad place. Please help me find peace and perspective.
Last November I was a 38 year old American male who had been through a tough divorce. I had little optimism and hadn't dated in 2 years.
One night randomly at a bar, I spoke with a cute 30 year woman with a Slavic accent. Turns out she was Ukrainian, had moved to the US when she was 17, and was brand new to my town. We spent the weekend going around town, watching movies. We kissed and I felt attracted to someone in a way I hadn't felt since college. She was cool, low key, hilarious and intellectually curious. I couldn't believe my luck.
Throughout the winter, we spent every moment together. We huddled, watched movies, cooked and had a lot of sex. Neither of us had ever had that exciting a sex life and the conversation was never lacking. We had so much to learn from each other. We both felt dopey for months like it was relationship we'd wanted forever. I spoiled her a lot and we mostly talked about her and her life. I also realized that talking about anything of real emotional nature made her uncomfortable, cynical or sarcastic. But we'd still made plans for our future.
By spring the Ukraine situation became worse and she fixated on that, as well as a very stressful job at the local hospital. She referenced previous relationships, which had all sounded chaotic and not very loving. I realized she'd moved to 5 different cities in 5 years. Slowly I could tell she held onto a lot of extreme anxiety. Every day she seemed to blurt out a different plan - let's move to Europe, let's move to NYC, I want to learn new languages, I want a new career, etc. Yet we didn't talk concretely about our future as much together. I picked up on a lot of immaturity and escapist behavior, but our physical attraction was extremely strong, plus we'd never had so much fun with a partner.
In May, she called out of the blue and broke up with me. The reasons were very muddled. Her job, Ukraine situation, she didn't see a future for us, it was "just easier" for her to be alone. I was beside myself. I talked her back into getting together this summer and we hung out 1-2 times a week, had dates, had sex, were perfect together. But I knew it was tentative.
In July she broke up with me for about the 4th time and said she ultimately didn't know what she wanted in life and it wasn't fair to string me along. And yet since then, she has accepted dates from (very random) guys. We have since been out of touch. I sent a final email that avoided anger and basically said, I understand, but I also think you are always on the run and you have run away from something very good, but I still loved you for exactly who you were. I never heard back. I had been "the first person she'd ever loved", she said, but now I feel like a minor passing character in her life.
Since then my morale has been extremely low. She is the type to turn cold and burn bridges, from what I gleaned from her previous relationships. I cannot fight for her. But I cannot get over the idea I lost something very important. And I'm feeling at my age it may never happen again. I cannot seem to talk myself into a more positive frame of mind. I keep looking at pictures from last winter and breaking down.
Anyone who has been in a similar situation, maybe you have advice?
Last November I was a 38 year old American male who had been through a tough divorce. I had little optimism and hadn't dated in 2 years.
One night randomly at a bar, I spoke with a cute 30 year woman with a Slavic accent. Turns out she was Ukrainian, had moved to the US when she was 17, and was brand new to my town. We spent the weekend going around town, watching movies. We kissed and I felt attracted to someone in a way I hadn't felt since college. She was cool, low key, hilarious and intellectually curious. I couldn't believe my luck.
Throughout the winter, we spent every moment together. We huddled, watched movies, cooked and had a lot of sex. Neither of us had ever had that exciting a sex life and the conversation was never lacking. We had so much to learn from each other. We both felt dopey for months like it was relationship we'd wanted forever. I spoiled her a lot and we mostly talked about her and her life. I also realized that talking about anything of real emotional nature made her uncomfortable, cynical or sarcastic. But we'd still made plans for our future.
By spring the Ukraine situation became worse and she fixated on that, as well as a very stressful job at the local hospital. She referenced previous relationships, which had all sounded chaotic and not very loving. I realized she'd moved to 5 different cities in 5 years. Slowly I could tell she held onto a lot of extreme anxiety. Every day she seemed to blurt out a different plan - let's move to Europe, let's move to NYC, I want to learn new languages, I want a new career, etc. Yet we didn't talk concretely about our future as much together. I picked up on a lot of immaturity and escapist behavior, but our physical attraction was extremely strong, plus we'd never had so much fun with a partner.
In May, she called out of the blue and broke up with me. The reasons were very muddled. Her job, Ukraine situation, she didn't see a future for us, it was "just easier" for her to be alone. I was beside myself. I talked her back into getting together this summer and we hung out 1-2 times a week, had dates, had sex, were perfect together. But I knew it was tentative.
In July she broke up with me for about the 4th time and said she ultimately didn't know what she wanted in life and it wasn't fair to string me along. And yet since then, she has accepted dates from (very random) guys. We have since been out of touch. I sent a final email that avoided anger and basically said, I understand, but I also think you are always on the run and you have run away from something very good, but I still loved you for exactly who you were. I never heard back. I had been "the first person she'd ever loved", she said, but now I feel like a minor passing character in her life.
Since then my morale has been extremely low. She is the type to turn cold and burn bridges, from what I gleaned from her previous relationships. I cannot fight for her. But I cannot get over the idea I lost something very important. And I'm feeling at my age it may never happen again. I cannot seem to talk myself into a more positive frame of mind. I keep looking at pictures from last winter and breaking down.
Anyone who has been in a similar situation, maybe you have advice?
I am very sorry you have to go through this:( I am in a similar situation, my boyfriend of almost one year broke up with me one and a half months ago and I am still struggling to cope... It hurts like hell and feels like life will be pointless from now on forever:( At the same time, I know I have survived worse and got back on my feet again. What helps me this time is reading all possible relationship/break up related articles/blogs/ask pages, and that's how I discovered MetaFilter:) I sometimes keep digging through them for hours at night, finding people share similar stories, and that for me is very consoling and comforting. Check out TED talk - Helen Fisher: The brain in love - if you haven't seen it yet. And, if I may quote the Count of Monte Cristo: 'All human wisdom is contained in these two words - Wait and Hope'.
posted by tashkelis at 2:01 AM on September 21, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by tashkelis at 2:01 AM on September 21, 2014 [10 favorites]
38 isn't nearly as old as it may feel. You could have another 50 years on the planet. You've proven that you can be happy in a relationship, you're not too broken to be attractive to somebody or to enjoy another person's company.
Based on your description, she sounds damaged. Not like an awful person, but troubled and sad and searching. I suspect it will be a long time, if ever, before she is happy or settled. It was probably inevitable that things would end like this, and if you did stay with her you could probably plan on a lot of drama. You had some fun, and you got out before things went really bad on you. Sometimes people waste their whole lives trying to make unworkable stuff work.
I'd say try online dating, and try to just have some fun with it. You're young-ish and unattached. Take advantage of that! You won't be young forever, and you probably won't remain unattached the rest of your life either. It's fine to look for a partner to settle down with, but a quick frolic might do wonders for you right now too.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:07 AM on September 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
Based on your description, she sounds damaged. Not like an awful person, but troubled and sad and searching. I suspect it will be a long time, if ever, before she is happy or settled. It was probably inevitable that things would end like this, and if you did stay with her you could probably plan on a lot of drama. You had some fun, and you got out before things went really bad on you. Sometimes people waste their whole lives trying to make unworkable stuff work.
I'd say try online dating, and try to just have some fun with it. You're young-ish and unattached. Take advantage of that! You won't be young forever, and you probably won't remain unattached the rest of your life either. It's fine to look for a partner to settle down with, but a quick frolic might do wonders for you right now too.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:07 AM on September 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
Firstly, I feel your pain and I wish you weren't going through this. I'm so sorry you're having to.
Now, here's my $0.02:
1. The breakup does not mean you cannot be thankful for the fact that she re-awakened a part of you that you'd written off. I know it's hard, but try concentrating on the fact that you're feeling this pain. It means you're alive and it means you want a relationship and love.
2. From personal experience I can tell you that it's hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one with you. I know it hurts but you've potentially saved yourself a lot of pain and suffering over many years as she struggled with understanding what she wants out of life. You've done your best and offered your best, leave it to fate. Constantly wondering if you could have done more and dwelling over the fact that you've potentially lost something important will just cause you to spiral downwards.
3. Don't fixate on wondering if you've lost your chance for love. Hell, one year ago you'd completely written off happiness for yourself but you did meet and connect with someone! Why do you think it's not likely to happen again? Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go out looking for it again. You will find it. Don't let your brain trick you into this defeatist attitude.
4. Don't dwell on her dating patterns and her life. Look out for yourself. Don't read into what she's doing with other people. It'll only add to your misery. I've found in the past that mindful meditation was really helpful in helping me reaffirm and concentrate on myself rather than having my mind run me roughshod over the coals of angst and pain.
5. You may feel like a minor passing character in her life and that may or may not be true but of what consequence is it? You are a major character in your life so concentrate on yourself. Don't worry about the impact you have on other people or the part you play in their lives. Concentrate on being happy in yourself. Look out for yourself.
6. You loved cleanly and purely. You gave it all you got. Be proud of that. Be happy you got to do it. Look forward to the next time you do this, with her or with someone else.
7. I know this is cliche but with time it will get easier. Give it time.
Hope this hasn't been too trite or rambly. Again, I'm sorry you're having to go through this and I wish you the best of luck moving forward with your life.
posted by gadha at 3:05 AM on September 21, 2014 [23 favorites]
Now, here's my $0.02:
1. The breakup does not mean you cannot be thankful for the fact that she re-awakened a part of you that you'd written off. I know it's hard, but try concentrating on the fact that you're feeling this pain. It means you're alive and it means you want a relationship and love.
2. From personal experience I can tell you that it's hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one with you. I know it hurts but you've potentially saved yourself a lot of pain and suffering over many years as she struggled with understanding what she wants out of life. You've done your best and offered your best, leave it to fate. Constantly wondering if you could have done more and dwelling over the fact that you've potentially lost something important will just cause you to spiral downwards.
3. Don't fixate on wondering if you've lost your chance for love. Hell, one year ago you'd completely written off happiness for yourself but you did meet and connect with someone! Why do you think it's not likely to happen again? Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go out looking for it again. You will find it. Don't let your brain trick you into this defeatist attitude.
4. Don't dwell on her dating patterns and her life. Look out for yourself. Don't read into what she's doing with other people. It'll only add to your misery. I've found in the past that mindful meditation was really helpful in helping me reaffirm and concentrate on myself rather than having my mind run me roughshod over the coals of angst and pain.
5. You may feel like a minor passing character in her life and that may or may not be true but of what consequence is it? You are a major character in your life so concentrate on yourself. Don't worry about the impact you have on other people or the part you play in their lives. Concentrate on being happy in yourself. Look out for yourself.
6. You loved cleanly and purely. You gave it all you got. Be proud of that. Be happy you got to do it. Look forward to the next time you do this, with her or with someone else.
7. I know this is cliche but with time it will get easier. Give it time.
Hope this hasn't been too trite or rambly. Again, I'm sorry you're having to go through this and I wish you the best of luck moving forward with your life.
posted by gadha at 3:05 AM on September 21, 2014 [23 favorites]
I don't know what advice I have for you, but I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Feeling an intense connection, breaking up for ambiguous reasons, feeling like a "minor passing character in (their) life" after something that felt so important. It is terrible and crushing and I'm sorry you're going through it.
I think maya is right that we can try and appreciate the beauty of connecting, but it can be hard to get there, especially when it feels like such a missed opportunity. It's hard not to be devastated and angry.
I'm about 8 months out from an experience similar to this, and I just go back and forth. Some days I am okay with it, and other days it feels like it just happened and I feel physically sick. The only thought that consistently comforts me is that ultimately, I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt so unsure about me. I'm younger than you and have never been married, but my personal feeling is that this is all subjective, and it takes as long as it takes to get over it. These things aren't rational or predictable.
I do think you should stop looking at pictures from that period and resist the urge to contact her, because it's just causing you pain.
I'm sorry you're enduring this, and I think it will get better in time.
posted by perryfugue at 3:08 AM on September 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think maya is right that we can try and appreciate the beauty of connecting, but it can be hard to get there, especially when it feels like such a missed opportunity. It's hard not to be devastated and angry.
I'm about 8 months out from an experience similar to this, and I just go back and forth. Some days I am okay with it, and other days it feels like it just happened and I feel physically sick. The only thought that consistently comforts me is that ultimately, I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt so unsure about me. I'm younger than you and have never been married, but my personal feeling is that this is all subjective, and it takes as long as it takes to get over it. These things aren't rational or predictable.
I do think you should stop looking at pictures from that period and resist the urge to contact her, because it's just causing you pain.
I'm sorry you're enduring this, and I think it will get better in time.
posted by perryfugue at 3:08 AM on September 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
It sounds like she valued intensity over intimacy (it can be pretty seductive). You might want to look up cluster b personality disorders and see if they fit.. Spend time licking your wounds, keep basic strcuture in the days, try to eat well or go to the gym if you can face it. Avoid dating would be my thought (not at all fair to you or whoever you encounter) feel your feelings, don't do that (often) guy thing of bedding someone else... until you're in a safer place.
People are incredibly resilient in adversity. Yeah it hurts like hell but this moment won't last forever... even though it feels like it will. Buy "It's called a break up because it's broken" it's a bit cheesy looking and pinkish :-s but don't be fooled, it's full of smart advice and some relieving amusing oneliners .. and the odd recipe for brownies :) I read it like 10 times during a horrendous breakup.
posted by tanktop at 6:05 AM on September 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
People are incredibly resilient in adversity. Yeah it hurts like hell but this moment won't last forever... even though it feels like it will. Buy "It's called a break up because it's broken" it's a bit cheesy looking and pinkish :-s but don't be fooled, it's full of smart advice and some relieving amusing oneliners .. and the odd recipe for brownies :) I read it like 10 times during a horrendous breakup.
posted by tanktop at 6:05 AM on September 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Everyone older than, like, age 26, wonders if they're too old to find love again after a breakup. And yet, I can immediately think of family and friends who found wonderful relationships at age 55, age 62...
I can understand your feeling of loss after losing an intense relationship. The intensity makes the good feel all the more intensely wonderful. It sounds like that came with intensely negative moments as well. I know you loved her anyway, but those things made the relationship unsustainable (hindsight being 20/20), so it might help to focus on those pieces and the way they made your life tough even while you were in the relationship. It might add nuance to that feeling that you lost a uniquely special relationship. It was special, but it was also hard. You may be able to find something that overall works better and is less painful and frustrating.
Another way to put that would be, you've been fighting to save this relationship for so long. In part, a final ending might feel like ultimate defeat. Trying to make your picture of the relationship more realistic, seeing not just the intense highs but also the intense lows and the constant negative feelings of insecurity etc. caused by the instability, might temper that sense of loss or defeat with some sense of relief at no longer having to fight for it, and relief at now being sheltered from all of that less-enjoyable stuff.
posted by salvia at 1:25 PM on September 21, 2014
I can understand your feeling of loss after losing an intense relationship. The intensity makes the good feel all the more intensely wonderful. It sounds like that came with intensely negative moments as well. I know you loved her anyway, but those things made the relationship unsustainable (hindsight being 20/20), so it might help to focus on those pieces and the way they made your life tough even while you were in the relationship. It might add nuance to that feeling that you lost a uniquely special relationship. It was special, but it was also hard. You may be able to find something that overall works better and is less painful and frustrating.
Another way to put that would be, you've been fighting to save this relationship for so long. In part, a final ending might feel like ultimate defeat. Trying to make your picture of the relationship more realistic, seeing not just the intense highs but also the intense lows and the constant negative feelings of insecurity etc. caused by the instability, might temper that sense of loss or defeat with some sense of relief at no longer having to fight for it, and relief at now being sheltered from all of that less-enjoyable stuff.
posted by salvia at 1:25 PM on September 21, 2014
Reading your post I honestly did a double-take - the woman you talked about, save for a few details, is pretty much me. I have intense, passionate relationships; ever-changing goals; I travel a lot and am always open to new experiences and ideas. I have philosophical conversations with strangers, I connect easily with people, and have many interests. I am also emotionally flaky and frequently unavailable; I have a lot of anxiety, pent up sadness, and feel very lost in the world. My family also immigrated from Ukraine and that has left me feeling in many ways that I don't belong anywhere, and so I find myself constantly searching for meaning, for purpose, for my place in the world, always running to the next place/job/relationship that I think will finally make me feel happy and at peace. And I acknowledge that i've hurt a lot of people along the way. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection lately, and that's why I'm able to sit and honestly write all of this. But it took a very long time to admit how broken I am, even to myself. It sounds like your ex isn't quite there yet.
I'm telling you all of this so that you'll hopefully understand that it's not your fault. It was about her - not you. There is nothing you could have done to "keep" that kind of woman; she needs to find herself before she can truly be with someone else. You haven't lost her - you can't lose a person like that, because you never really had her; no one can, not until she figures out how to settle her own grief. I know it's hard, but try to be happy for what you had and move on. There are more stable (though perhaps less "exciting") people out there... you'll find them if you keep looking. Good luck.
posted by nightdoctress at 5:58 PM on September 21, 2014 [6 favorites]
I'm telling you all of this so that you'll hopefully understand that it's not your fault. It was about her - not you. There is nothing you could have done to "keep" that kind of woman; she needs to find herself before she can truly be with someone else. You haven't lost her - you can't lose a person like that, because you never really had her; no one can, not until she figures out how to settle her own grief. I know it's hard, but try to be happy for what you had and move on. There are more stable (though perhaps less "exciting") people out there... you'll find them if you keep looking. Good luck.
posted by nightdoctress at 5:58 PM on September 21, 2014 [6 favorites]
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I always recommend a listen to the Break-Up episode of This American Life.
posted by maya at 12:37 AM on September 21, 2014 [9 favorites]