Question about oral sex

September 12, 2014 11:45 PM

After a divorce and some time, I'm dating again and have met a super awesome guy. We're taking things slow but there's chemistry. So I need help about an issue that could come up between us.

Oral sex is great to a point. As soon as any semen hits my tongue, I gag and vomit. This is so embarrassing. It's happened with past boyfriends and ex-husband, and we finally dealt with the issue by using flavored condoms during oral sex.

I can't help it. It's so salty, yeasty, and bitter. And the guys tried all sorts of things and one told me if I just swallow quickly I'd be fine and nope.

I don't want to trial and error again until he gives into the flavored condom. How do I delicately bring this up in a way that is both firm but not off putting?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total)

The most firm and delicate way to bring it up is to put a condom on his dick before putting it in your mouth. I think most men would have no trouble deciding between "don't wear a condom" and "get a blowjob".

Or, you know, there are other places to come.
posted by domnit at 12:11 AM on September 13, 2014 [7 favorites]

As a dude, obviously the decision is yours to make, but I would prefer to have someone tell me their preferences as to how to finish beforehand. The one you hold isn't unusual and if the guy isn't an asshole, he'll respect it. Sorry, but getting a condom PUT on you for the sole reason of avoiding a very much otherwise avoidable outcome (no pun intended) just seems awkward to me. Talk about it like adults and it should be fine.
posted by marsbar77 at 1:24 AM on September 13, 2014 [12 favorites]

Just wanted to add : Putting a condom on is fine, and I would never insinuate that he gets to deny you that request without a very good reason, beyond "it doesn't feel as good". I'm just thinking that talking about it as an option, with an explanation as to why you want it that way, will make for fewer raised eyebrows in the moment.
posted by marsbar77 at 1:28 AM on September 13, 2014

"Don't come in my mouth" is a completely reasonable stipulation.

And if he has a lot of pre-come, using a condom to contain that is somewhat unusual but also reasonable, given your reaction to the taste.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:43 AM on September 13, 2014 [5 favorites]

My partner got a tip from a gay male friend: have him tell you when he is going to come, at that point remove him from your mouth and finish off gently by hand while maybe keeping him near your face. He will, I assure you never even know.
posted by epo at 2:05 AM on September 13, 2014 [11 favorites]

This is so embarrassing.
How do I delicately bring this up ... ?
I don't see how this has to be seen as embarrassing. And I don't see why you have to be delicate about it. You can't stand having cum in your mouth. It makes you puke. No, really -- read that part again: It makes you puke. You're not interested in puking in bed, or anywhere, truth be told.

It's as simple as that.

Where is it written that you've got to give your lover a hummer? Who wrote it? Supposing that same person wrote that everyone has to be into anal, or biting each others feet, or dressing up in rubber duck suits and jumping up and down whilst clubbing one another with rainbow trout -- would you pay that any mind?

It's something that makes you puke. That's enough information for any sane human being who has even the tiniest shred of care for you.

Should having this boundary bring any problem(s), be glad you get to see now that he's a selfish jerk. And he doesn't get to be with you.

I see you as giving plenty due to your willingness to do the deal with a condom -- condoms do break.

Just tell him, straight up. Non negotiable -- this is not gonna happen unless/until he wraps it up.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:10 AM on September 13, 2014 [9 favorites]

It's not weird or even unusual. It's a routine practice for people with stringent safer sex practices, for people with cold sores, and for people for whom that is simply their preference.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:28 AM on September 13, 2014 [6 favorites]

It's a really good idea to have a conversation, well before sexy things start happening, that starts something like "hey, I want to have sex with you, so here's what I need to know about you and you need to know about me." It's really helpful for making sure you're both on the same page about STD testing, safer sex practices, and things you aren't interested in doing (things you are interested in doing can be a good note to end on, as it may cue a rewarding segue). And yes, it feels awkward, but not as awkward as trying to find a way to put things like this delicately. It creates a space where it's easier to spell out "this is what works for me" without having to finesse the conversation around to it.
posted by EvaDestruction at 5:32 AM on September 13, 2014 [4 favorites]

My partner got a tip from a gay male friend: have him tell you when he is going to come, at that point remove him from your mouth and finish off gently by hand while maybe keeping him near your face. He will, I assure you never even know.

He'll definitely know, but it's also completely normal and anyone who makes a big stink about it is an immature jerk.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:51 AM on September 13, 2014 [22 favorites]

There is no rule that blowjobs have to finish in someone's mouth. "Can I finish in your mouth?" "No, I don't like that." Done.
posted by colin_l at 6:00 AM on September 13, 2014 [8 favorites]

I have a strong gag reflex. If you want to experiment in the future, try lifting your tongue when he comes, so his cock is under your tongue. It stops that "flooding the back of your throat" sensation and you can discretely spit/wipe or just swallow in one big gulp. A nice guy will be more than willing to work within the boundaries you need. And everyone above is right-be straight up with a discussion and have fun!
posted by LaBellaStella at 6:14 AM on September 13, 2014

I have the same thing going on. I just ensure nobody comes in my mouth. Easy.
posted by gaspode at 6:18 AM on September 13, 2014 [3 favorites]

I would rather just not finish from oral than get it with a condom on. It's perfectly nice as foreplay. Finishing with hands is also fine. Just let him know ahead of time so he knows why to avoid coming on your mouth.
posted by Candleman at 8:37 AM on September 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

I don't want to trial and error again until he gives into the flavored condom.

I'm not sure if I am reading this right, but the flavored condom is the outcome you want, yes? Or are you okay with any don't-come-in-my-mouth outcome? Because I think what you're asking for is totally reasonable. I've been surprised in the past how many men have blowjob-free relationships in the first place, so I think working with him on a compromise is a totally meet-you-part-way thing to do. Simple options include finishing him with your hand, breasts, whatever. Alternately there are condom options or even the slightly-woo semen retention options. But just generally, yeah, it's okay to say "I don't like this." and not turn t into a negotiation about how to get over your dislikes if you've decided that this is something you feel strongly about.
posted by jessamyn at 8:43 AM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

"hey heads up dude if you come in my mouth i will puke everywhere, sorry, it's been a problem for years and it's not gonna change"

If he can't cope with that or tries to talk you into trying again and again, kick his ass to the curb.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:17 AM on September 13, 2014 [6 favorites]

"He will, I assure you never even know.'

Wow, epo, you date some oblivious dudes. I mean, aside from seeing it's not in your mouth, and certainly feeling the removal moment... wow.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:26 AM on September 13, 2014 [4 favorites]

So I need help about an issue that could come up between us.

I don't want to trial and error again until he gives into the flavored condom. How do I delicately bring this up in a way that is both firm but not off putting?

I can't quite tell here if you are just prepping for this but it hasn't yet come up or if it has already been an issue and went badly.

If it hasn't yet happened, then just have a nice little talk with him about how it is a physical reaction that you have no control over and here is the logistical solution which has worked for you in the past. If you are open to other options, let him know that you are open to trying to find another solution if that doesn't work for him. If you are not, then you let him know it's a flavored condom or no oral. Done.

If he makes a stink about it, for me, that would kinda be the hill the relationship dies on, frankly.

If it has already come up and already been an issue, I would have one last little talk with him about how, yeah, it's a physical reaction, I can't help it, here are our options. Pick one: Flavored condom, no oral, or (whatever else you are willing to consider).

Again, if he gave me any shit about it, I personally would likely soon be looking for the door. YMMV, of course. But men who are unreasonable jerks in bed are men I stop sleeping with pretty darn fast.
posted by Michele in California at 10:40 AM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

Huh, I just stick to the base of things when it gets to that point and they come somewhere else. Honestly I've never even brought it up, never had a guy mention it or say there's a problem with coming in my hand instead of in my mouth. I don't even have a strong reaction to the taste, I just don't like it, and after some uncomfortable experiences in my early 20s I have a solid don't do anything in bed I don't want to policy (because Fuck You Dan Savage).

If the guy you are dating would even wrinkle his nose at you not wanting semen in your mouth (for ANY reason), he's not even close to being the awesome guy he currently appears to be.
posted by Dynex at 11:01 AM on September 13, 2014 [4 favorites]

From an anonymous user:

OP, just so you know, you are NOT alone. I also react this way. In fact, just reading this thread made me gag. I can't help it, I cannot control it, and I have NO interest in trying to change how I feel about semen in my mouth. It's a boundary that I have asserted with every man I've been with, and I've never had a problem with them respecting that. When he gets to that point, I often finish him off with a handjob, or in some other way that he likes. Don't feel like you have to get to like it, or somehow manage to swallow because it's just that important to him. I also worried about that, and decided that I wasn't going to try and overcome a very basic, visceral reaction in order to please someone else. You have the right to engage in activities that are not repulsive to you.

Now, all that said, you asked how you should bring it up. I'd suggest bringing it up NOT in the heat of the moment, but at a quiet, private time, like while you're both enjoying a cup of tea. Be kind, and make sure he knows it's not just him, but that it's a basic response you have that you cannot change and it's an act you do not like. If the flavored condom has worked in the past, suggest it. Be up front about your preferences; when it comes to things like this being honest is outrageously important! Good luck!"

posted by mathowie at 11:41 AM on September 13, 2014

It's perfectly okay to say that you don't want him to cum in your mouth. He'll tell you he's about to, you pull back, then you can finish him off by hand. It's not something you like. That's fine!
posted by inturnaround at 5:23 PM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

You're getting some bizarrely misguided advice here, like this:

put a condom on his dick before putting it in your mouth. I think most men would have no trouble deciding between "don't wear a condom" and "get a blowjob".

Nope, if I have to wear a condom while getting a blow job, I'd rather just skip the blow job.

And this:

remove him from your mouth and finish off gently by hand while maybe keeping him near your face. He will, I assure you never even know.

That makes no sense. Of course he'll know. I can only assume the person who left that comment was more interested in making fun of men as oblivious than answering your question. But I do agree that it's probably best to do it normally until the end, then finish by hand and let him come anywhere else.

I recommend having a quick, blunt conversation about this beforehand. Be straightforward and no-nonsense, not overly delicate or euphemistic. You don't need a script pre-written by Metafilter — just tell him as quickly and clearly as possible what you do and don't want to do.
posted by jejune at 9:46 PM on September 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

Where is it written that you've got to give your lover a hummer? Who wrote it?

I've seen enough Dan Savage stuff saying that oral sex is or at least should be pretty much Standard Procedure For Everyone. So...

Anyway, I'd just like to know what guy on earth would PREFER that you vomit on their hard-on. Did someone? Seriously, at least you can do one with a condom on, that's better than not at all. I think you should just say right out when the time comes, "Look, it makes me puke every single time no matter what I've tried EXCEPT for if you use a flavored condom. I'm not gonna keep on trying various pullout methods or whatever any more because I've been through it all and I'd like to keep dinner in my stomach. If you want one, we go get me a cherry flavored first."
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:52 PM on September 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

There are at least two ways to "make it feel just as good" with a condom:

1. Interior lubrication. Put Astroglide on his penis before putting the condom on. The lack of sensation is caused by the condom staying in one place rather than sliding. Astroglide is safe and has a fairly nice taste.

2. Use a Lambskin condom. It's not great for contraception, since small amounts of sperm can get through, but it slides and transmits heat very well.

Once he starts to ejaculate, it's just as good (or even better) to finish it off with your hand. Make sure to press on the bottom of his penis just below the glans and rub on the edges of the glans all around.
posted by KRS at 6:53 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]

"honey, heads up, semen in my mouth makes me puke all over, so no finishing in my mouth or it will be a giant, disgusting mess."

Should do the trick.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:03 AM on September 15, 2014 [2 favorites]