Shocked at boyfriend's behavior... Help me!

September 7, 2014 12:29 PM

I feel that my trust has been betrayed by my boyfriend.

I was away on vacation with my boyfriend in Nice, FR. As we were sitting on the beach, he took photos of some of the women on the beach (discreetly, I didn't know he had done this till many days after the fact).
Fast forward a few days later, I come back home and he countinues on a trip with his parents. While he's away, he asks me to look at his phone to give him some info.
Lo and behold, I find a group chat of him and his friends, where he sent a photo of a girl on the beach where we were, with a comment. I continued reading further and I found that the prior week, he'd gone to a strip club with his friends on guys weekend. We have an agreement that he will always let me know when that happens (I hate that he goes, but our compromise was that he will let me know, rather than have me find out second hand).
There were a few other texts, like him asking his friends for a link to the nude celebrity hacking and making derogatory comments along with sharing some of the pictures.
This is a complete shock to me. We've been together for 2.5 years now. This behavior is not anything I would have thought he does or is into. I'm contemplating throwing out his stuff on the curb and calling an end to this relationship. I feel betrayed by his behavior.
Hive mind, am I over reacting? He comes back in 4 days...

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (49 answers total)

Eeek, sorry this happened to you. Please break up with this man. There are so, so many people in the world who will not hide and do things to disrespect you behind your back.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:35 PM on September 7, 2014 [50 favorites]

i don't think you're overreacting, i wouldn't want to date someone who does that stuff either. you have my permission to dump him if this really bothers you. there are better people to spend your time with.
posted by zdravo at 12:37 PM on September 7, 2014 [9 favorites]

I'd break up. I've dated plenty of guys who don't do this stuff. Off-color remarks, &c. all happen, everybody does it, everyone can be a bit of a sleaze mentally-- but your bf has made being a chode into a hobby and bonding ritual. IMO, checking out a girl on the beach is fine (especially if done within normal parameters of your relationship, like if he knows you don't mind or if he does it discretely). But someone who can't help themselves but take a photo and circulate it with their friends strikes me as the kind of guy who takes it too far, and I wouldn't trust him to be faithful.

Not every guy goes to strip clubs, you can easily find one who doesn't.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:38 PM on September 7, 2014 [46 favorites]

If he weren't your boyfriend, and you had just met him, and a friend told you everything about him - would you want him to be your boyfriend? Would you be attracted to him, knowing what you know now?
No?
Neither would I.
For guys and for clothes use the rule: if you wouldn't buy it the way it is, don't keep it in your closet.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:39 PM on September 7, 2014 [111 favorites]

Well, he exercises bad judgement, he's friends with gross people, he lies to you, and he photographs women without their consent. I personally have no problem with going to strip clubs (lying about it: not okay), but the rest of those actions and words point to some serious misogyny and willful misunderstanding of consent issues that I would under no circumstances put up with in my life in any way. I certainly would never want to sleep with him again now that I know these things. I'd call the whole thing off with extreme prejudice, making it extra clear to him that the dealbreaker is his misogyny and lying, not some kind of 1950s-style jealousy. He probably won't believe you, because I bet he thinks women are hysterical, but hey! It won't be your problem anymore!

I'm sorry this happened to you. You're so much better than this grossness.
posted by you're a kitty! at 12:40 PM on September 7, 2014 [33 favorites]

I don't think you're over-reacting much. Don't throw his stuff on the street, but yes, by all means break up with this guy.

He not only disrespects you by doing these sleazy things behind your back, he disrespects the women he's taking pictures of, or look at pictures of. It's one thing to be into strippers and porno, while we may pity those women, they're in it of their own volition.

It's another matter for someone to take pictures of people naked, or to hack photos, and to share them with others. That's really horrible behavior.

Your guy not only doesn't care about such terrible violations of privacy, he encourages them and is a consumer AND a perpetrator.

Delete all the photos of you in various undress on his phone (I'm rather hoping that there aren't any, but...man, I'd sure check.)

Don't tip him off that you're miffed. I also hope you don't live together, because that could be hard to untangle. But go gather his crap up and be prepared to deliver it to wherever he'll be laying his head in the future.

I'm sorry that it unraveled like this, but the only thing worse than discovering this after 2.5 years is discovering it after 5 years.

RUN AWAY!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:41 PM on September 7, 2014 [37 favorites]

It depends what you want. I think taking pictures of people without their permission is creepy.
I also think he violated your trust when you asked did open communication and he is not providing it. That is a huge red flag.

I don't mind my partner admiring other people's bodies or having attraction. To me it isn't a big deal as those interactions are fleeting. I don't mind her looking at porn (she doesn't often) .

However I would mind her looking at non consentual photographs. I would mind a constant obsession with others. I would mind if she made a promise and broke it and I do mind secrets.

You are uncomfortable with his behavior. That is okay. I would based on this post alone and not considering any history you have with him to break up.

If the relationship is otherwise good you can talk to him about the behaviors. But you don't have to change or compromise your values of what you are comfortable with in terms of attraction or nudity or porn. You can find someone with similar values where you will not have this problem.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:41 PM on September 7, 2014 [3 favorites]

If you want to break up with him over this behavior, you should.

He's already shown he's not opening to changing his behaviors to accomodate your needs (otherwise why would he be lying to you about the strip club?) and if you insist on him respecting your comfort levels (as you should), chances are awfully good he will continue lying to you. And since he's been caught out once, he'll be even more careful about it.

Also, good for you for being angry about this, because this is creepy behavior for sure. I hope your next partner treats you, and all women, with the respect and compassion you deserve.
posted by WidgetAlley at 12:43 PM on September 7, 2014 [2 favorites]

No throwing his things to the curb. Pack them up and have them ready for him to take with him when he returns from his trip and you calmly break up with him because of his dishonesty toward you and his misogyny in general.
posted by headnsouth at 12:43 PM on September 7, 2014 [8 favorites]

His behavior is unforgivable. Please do explain to him why that is while you are dumping him. Give him a little time to get his own stuff out but don't do him any favors.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:43 PM on September 7, 2014

I don't think you're overreacting and I think you are completely justified in breaking up with him.

Don't throw away his stuff. That is just going to create more problems for you.
posted by Nightman at 12:46 PM on September 7, 2014 [4 favorites]

While he's away, he asks me to look at his phone to give him some info.

This may be way off base but seems odd to me that he didn't take his cell phone with him on this trip with his parents and then asked you to get some info off of it. Is it surprising to you that he didn't take his phone with him? Or did he just forget it? To me, it looks a little bit like he wanted you to find that stuff. If that's the case, that's almost worse than all the other things - he knows he did something you wouldn't like but doesn't have the spine to talk with you honestly.
posted by Beti at 12:47 PM on September 7, 2014 [9 favorites]

He left his phone with you and then asked you to look in it knowing what you'd find? That might be some very passive-aggressive behavior right there. Maybe he wants to break up with you but has maneuvered things to try to compel you to quit him.
posted by fuse theorem at 12:51 PM on September 7, 2014 [7 favorites]

You're not overreacting. For what it's worth, I think it would be a good idea to break up with him.

He seems very comfortable treating women as sex objects instead of as people (the covert nude photos that he shares with friends with comments, trying to get to private nude photos stolen from women, and, imo, going to the strip club). I'd be worried about whether he's capable of seeing women as human being deserving of agency, privacy and respect.

He also seems to have no problem lying to you, at the least by omission, for basically no reason at all. Why wouldn't he tell you about going to the strip club, since that was the deal you'd made as a couple? Does he just not give a shit? I'd be worried about whether he just says whatever he wants to get his way, without actually meaning any of it.

To me, it seems like he doesn't have much integrity, or respect for others, including for you. Poor character isn't something that you can compromise with him about, you know?
posted by rue72 at 12:51 PM on September 7, 2014 [11 favorites]

From what you've described, he's not marriage material. He was willing to deceive you, and in addition to that he appears to place more value on his sexual gratification than his relationship with you. Break up with him in a civil but firm manner.
posted by halp at 12:53 PM on September 7, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm sorry this happened. I think it might be worth talking to him about, but I think ultimately I would choose to leave this relationship, because a certain amount of basic trust would be eroded and I would also wonder if my partner really had any respect for women.

I wish you well; take good care of yourself in the aftermath of this emotionally upsetting situation.
posted by araisingirl at 1:03 PM on September 7, 2014 [2 favorites]

A guy who is confident and comfortable with himself, who knows in his own heart that he is on the up-and-up, who knows he has nothing to hide because he isn't doing anything wrong, will. not. hide. things.

This is just the stuff you (now) know about. Who knows what else you don't know.
posted by vignettist at 1:03 PM on September 7, 2014 [4 favorites]

You're allowed to break up with him if he makes you feel uncomfortable because trust has been betrayed.

That said, this part sounds odd: While he's away, he asks me to look at his phone to give him some info.
Lo and behold, I find a group chat of him and his friends, where he sent a photo of a girl on the beach where we were, with a comment. I continued reading further and I found that the prior week, he'd gone to a strip club with his friends on guys weekend.

It sounds like he trusted you enough to get him info from his phone and not go poking around but you went poking anyway. Be careful about pulling the trust card if you're not also trustworthy.

It works out fine in this specific instance because he was lying to you, but do examine how you went about "finding" this groupchat with friends and why you read it and other texts.

Ultimately, this just might not have been a good match. He goes to strip clubs and doesn't find anything wrong with doing that. You feel strongly about this, so a compromise was reached. In the end, he might have just not felt like telling you and dealing with any blow back. That doesn't make his actions right, but it's worth thinking about what kind of guy you really want, what compromises you're willing to make in a relationship and whether those are compromises that will make you happy in the long run.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:12 PM on September 7, 2014 [4 favorites]

Before I zoom in on one little thing that you said, I want to make a blanket statement: the way this guy is treating the women around him is creepy and objectifying, and you have every right to find it upsetting. If you're looking for the permission of random people on the internet to DTMFA, let me add my voice to the chorus of people granting you that permission.

That said:

"We have an agreement that he will always let me know when that happens (I hate that he goes, but our compromise was that he will let me know, rather than have me find out second hand)."

This does not sound like a healthy way of dealing with this problem. In fact, it sounds pretty much guaranteed to blow up the relationship sooner or later.

I don't see any way this conversation goes well. Either you're receiving this upsetting information and hiding the fact that it upsets you, in which case this is not a healthy dynamic for you, or you're not hiding it, in which case this conversation is also a seriously upsetting experience for him too. In that case he could be forgiven for thinking that this was just a backdoor attempt at banning his attendance at strip clubs: "I'll let you go to strip clubs, but every time you do I'll punish you for it by forcing us both to go through a big, upsetting conversation about it." If he's committed to continuing to go to strip clubs, he's faced with either telling you about it (which will be seriously unpleasant and threaten to destroy the relationship eventually) or not telling you (which defers both the unpleasantness and the threat to the relationship until he gets caught). I'm not saying that it reflects well on him, but I can understand the urge to take the latter course.

If someone you're involved with going to a strip club is profoundly upsetting to you, the solution is to be with someone who either doesn't go to strip clubs, or who cares enough about you to stop going to strip clubs.

Again, I'm not taking the guy's side here. The fact that he cares more about getting his jollies objectifying women than about your feelings sounds creepy and you should probably dump him. But I do think there's at least one take away for you here as you go on to future relationships.
posted by firechicago at 1:17 PM on September 7, 2014 [15 favorites]

He knows you are uncomfortable about a thing. The two of you appeared to have worked out a way to manage that thing - but actually, he just lied to you so you wouldn't bother him about the thing that makes you uncomfortable.

Run!
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:30 PM on September 7, 2014 [5 favorites]

It seems quite clear that you're not OK with dating someone who goes to strip clubs, and that (along with his other behavior) settles it: you should break up with him.

And in the future, try not to date people who go to strip clubs.

As firechicago points out, it's not clear what it was supposed to accomplish for him to tell you whenever he goes to a strip club.

It's one of those either/or things that's not very susceptible to compromise: either your boyfriend does go to strip clubs and you're accepting of this, or you stick with not being OK with it and avoid dating someone who goes to strip clubs.
posted by John Cohen at 1:58 PM on September 7, 2014 [1 favorite]

Just another vote saying 'you're not overreacting'.

He takes creepy photos of women without their knowledge/permission: specifically beach photos, which translates to "he's looking for skin shots";
He shares these photos with comments with his buddies;
He actually requests hacked private nude photos of celebrities (or anybody, really) while making derogatory comments;
He lies --- the "he went to a stripclub" is a minor (if distasteful) part of this one, it's the lying about it that's the major red flag here --- and frankly if he's done it once, he's done it plenty of times before, too.

Well. I might not literally throw his stuff to the curb, but I would definitely dump his ass.
posted by easily confused at 1:59 PM on September 7, 2014 [4 favorites]

Not being able to trust your SO is one of the most obvious dealbreakers.

Have his stuff ready to go and change the locks.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 2:11 PM on September 7, 2014 [3 favorites]

You've just described the textbook definition of a troglodytic cad:

cad; noun
1. an ill-bred [ignore this eugenics language] man, especially one who behaves in a dishonorable or irresponsible way toward women.

Are you sure his non-consensual-picture-taking-of-women-on-the-beach self isn't pictured beside the dictionary definition?

He's not good enough for you. Relationships—2.5 years or longer or shorter—are choices we make every day. You get to make a choice. Cads. Who needs 'em. This is a rhetorical question.

This one is not worth your airspace. Find someone who makes you feel happy, safe, and one who engenders trust.

Verdict: kick him out.
posted by simulacra at 2:19 PM on September 7, 2014 [3 favorites]

Well I'm betting he didn't ask you to go through all the pictures, emails and chat history on his phone, but just asked you to lookup one thing, like a phone number.
What you did was also a betrayal of trust, so keep some perspective.
posted by w0mbat at 2:26 PM on September 7, 2014 [2 favorites]

nthing everyone else who recommends breaking up with this guy. He's not going to change and his behavior will only get worse.
posted by fancydancing at 2:30 PM on September 7, 2014 [1 favorite]

I really don't know. What you describe is a breach of trust (the strip club) and then just kind of gross and woman-unfriendly (the secret photos and the hacked nudes). But you say it's a big surprise to you and also I assume if you've been together years he must also have qualities you like. If he agreed to not act like this anymore, would you still be so grossed out that you'd want to dump him? I would be inclined to have a serious come-to-Jesus discussion about how unhappy you are with this, and then see where it goes from there. Could be irreconcilable differences, or maybe he would be willing to make some changes...anyway only you know if there is enough good in your relationship to make it worth your time. It's easy for internet strangers to deem your dude a cad and say you should dump him. But you are the one who knows the most.
posted by feets at 2:42 PM on September 7, 2014

"he photographs women without their consent."
Oh, please. Lots of people take pictures of others without getting consent--fashion bloggers do it all the time (and no, I don't mean The Sartorialist.) Yes, it's very bro-ish and I wouldn't be thrilled by that. Asking for links to naked celebs--I think there's lots of people who wanted to see what all the fuss was about, and I don't think that's particularly unusual. I'm more horrified by people who want to see the ISIS videos.
Men like to look at women. Sorry if this is a shock to anyone in the thread.
I think that scrolling through his phone wasn't the most honorable move ever, but I'm sure that I would have done the same.
If you had this deal about the strip clubs, then he broke that agreement. How does he treat you? Do you feel objectified or demeaned by his actions? Does he stare at other women while he's with you? Does he make you feel like your own value to him is only your physical appearance? If he's got a wandering eye, the rest of him probably isn't far behind. But these aren't dump-able transgressions to me, if his behavior with you isn't caddish or demeaning or untrustworthy.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:50 PM on September 7, 2014 [2 favorites]

We've been together for 2.5 years now.

Better 2.5 than 25. Try to look at this as a stroke of good fortune that will spare you being married to someone with such disrespect for women.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:09 PM on September 7, 2014 [5 favorites]

If he's ever taken risque photographs of you, take this opportunity to delete them before you dump him. He's obviously the sort of guy who would pass them around.
posted by Soliloquy at 3:13 PM on September 7, 2014 [39 favorites]

Buy yourself a copy of the betrayal bond once the initial horror and shock subside a little. What a horrific jolt :(
posted by tanktop at 3:17 PM on September 7, 2014 [1 favorite]

Men like to look at women. Sorry if this is a shock to anyone in the thread.

the decent ones look at women who are willing to be looked at (and fashion bloggers who take photos without permission are also gross, but they aren't nearly this gross). taking secret photos of women at the beach and sending them to your friends to jack off over isn't illegal, but it's totally invasive and awful and signifies a cavalier disregard of the basic boundaries and respect that we should show other human beings. it's a loud-and-clear signal that he doesn't understand that women who are out in public don't exist for his dick's benefit. either he fundamentally doesn't get how this kind of crap makes women feel used and objectified and unsafe in public, or he doesn't care. so don't pretend everyone does it, and don't give us this "boys will be boys" nonsense. most good men and women who like to look at naked or partially clad ladies do it with some shred of civility and human decency.
posted by you're a kitty! at 3:18 PM on September 7, 2014 [75 favorites]

If he does have photos of you I would also be checking out if he has duplicated them onto usbs/his computers (would not be at all surprsied if this man has several for shennanigans) get rid - a tiny blessing in all this that you at least have time and space for that stuff. have a good think re: whether he may have been badly behaved in other areas.. eg harming you financially etc
posted by tanktop at 3:20 PM on September 7, 2014 [5 favorites]

most good men and women who like to look at naked or partially clad ladies do it with some shred of civility and human decency.

Agreed. This isn't about "boys will be boys!! penises" it's about being a decent human being.
posted by stoneandstar at 3:26 PM on September 7, 2014 [7 favorites]

You clearly don't have enough in common with this dude, in terms of basic lifestyle and values, for this relationship to have real long term potential.

Also, I can't help but think that, if this dude is willing to lie to you in order to go to strip clubs, he either fucking loves strip clubs or doesn't think much of you.
posted by Sara C. at 3:34 PM on September 7, 2014 [11 favorites]

There's no objective right answer about whether you should break up with him or not. You need to think about what's important to you in a partner, and also evaluate the big picture of your relationship with him. I have a brother who's a complete dick about women when he's with certain friends; his wife knows this and sees it as a very immature and unsavory weakness. But their marriage is strong and he seems to be a good dad.

But all that is their deal. Only you know how he treats you, what kind of agreements you've already made, how much you respect him, and so on. I think it's fine to break up with him if that feels right. I'm glad to read that you're not making excuses for your boyfriend's behavior, and not just forgiving him because breaking up is hard. Clearly, if you decide to stay with him, there have to be changes in him, or you, or both.
posted by wryly at 4:00 PM on September 7, 2014

JSYK in case anyone tries to accuse you of being a prude or overreacting to normal behavior, taking creep shots will get you ejected from many strip clubs; your phone will be confiscated and the pictures deleted. Even within objectification spaces, this kind of casual violation is not OK. Like other commenters are saying, not every guy goes to strip clubs; not every guy who goes to strip clubs lies to their partners about it; not every guy takes photographs of women in compromising dress (please no false equivalences of fashion bloggers taking pictures of people on the street, even tho that is also on the nonconsensual spectrum, and socially agreed upon public-private spaces like the beach, where people are in a state of undress that could have personal or professional repercussions if shared.) Like stoneandstar said, it doesn't bode well that disrespecting you and disrespecting women in general is a bonding ritual between your boyfriend and his friend group. I'm so sorry it went down this way, but yeah, you are better than this grossness.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 4:16 PM on September 7, 2014 [8 favorites]

There were a few other texts, like him asking his friends for a link to the nude celebrity hacking...

If nothing else, you should be dumping your boyfriend for being a dumbass who doesn't know how to use the internet.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:27 PM on September 7, 2014 [17 favorites]

Trust is huge. Men DO this type of thing, yes - BUT there is a level of respect in a relationship and the pics of the girl on the beach is down right creepy. If you DON'T break up with him, you'll be wondering where he is, what he's doing, etc -- all the time -- and you will be unhappy.
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 4:52 PM on September 7, 2014 [1 favorite]

Ugh, this is disgusting and I totally empathise with how grossed out you're feeling right now.

Personally having gone through a similar 'relevatory' experience with an ex who I also took for years to be at least a baseline decent person (I was wrong), I would advise you to break up with him and do it NOW.

Even if you were to sit down and explain how this behaviour is hurtful and demeaning - not just to you but to women in general - how it's really damaging your opinion of him and your relationship, and if he were to promise never to do it again, even if he stuck to that, this is who he is. That reality is not going to change.

- He's a guy that is taking creepshots at the beach IN THE PRESENCE OF HIS PARTNER, which he then distributes, with comments, to his knuckle-dragging friends who make horrible misogynist comments about them.

- He's someone who participates in the sexual violation of women in their most private moments, even though there's an infinite mountain of free porn on the internet it would take 50 lifetimes to watch, because these ones were taken without consent. Gross and rapey.

- He lies to you, even though you've agreed he can go to strip clubs, for no reason. If he'll lie about stuff you've agreed he can do, there is a lot of other stuff he's done that you don't know about, I'd put cash money on it. He wants what he wants at your expense. He wants a nice cosy home life with you and to get his jollies wherever he likes and what you want is irrelevant. It just gets in the way of him doing what he wants to do, so he agrees with you and then does whatever anyway. Is this who you want to be with?

I'd also like to reassure you that looking through his phone, as he asked you to (maybe even so you could see this stuff), is in no way even a fraction as shady as any of this. It's so far away from being in the same league it's on another planet.

2.5 years is long enough, but sinking even more time into this would be a terrible waste. Get out now, very glad that (I assume) you don't have a mortgage or kids together. Pack his stuff up - get started now - and have it ready to go for when he gets back. I know this is going to be painful as this is probably a shock and you still love him, but if you stayed it would not get better, probably a lot worse as you find out who he really is. Contact your friends and stay with them for a few days perhaps, and look after yourself. You deserve better than this - everyone does. I was with someone as reprehensible as this, and all the stuff he said was natural, everyone does it, boys will be boys etc? Wouldn't even occur to my husband. Lowlives always think everyone else is *really* as bad as them underneath (see rapists) but it's not true. You can and will do better.
posted by everydayanewday at 8:34 PM on September 7, 2014 [6 favorites]

Well, everyone else says, "dump." I am going to say, "plan." You will need to plan to be sure your hardware is clean of any intrusions such as, his accounts. If he knows your passwords then change those now. You will need to go through his hard drive and any periphs that could contain photos of you in ANY compromising manner. If you have entangled finances then you will need to clear those through.

Keep what evidence you need to show mutual friends your narrative and be sure that your narrative is the dominant one. You do not want him to label you, "bitch, was cray, cray! I did nothing!"

It is not just getting him out of your life but your life out of his. Protect yourself at all costs.
posted by jadepearl at 8:42 PM on September 7, 2014 [11 favorites]

You have four days till he gets back. Take one (and only one) of them, try to let go of the initial shock, and give serious, unsentimental thought to whether you think he deserves a chance to explain himself and whether this behavior is something you can live with--and, if it is, what specific things he has to do to regain your trust. You know him (at least you thought you did); we don't know him at all. This behavior doesn't necessarily mean he's a complete sociopath, and plenty of couples survive a little perviness or dishonesty on the part of one of the partners.

That said, I completely agree with everyone who says that the lying is a phenomenally bad sign and that what he's doing is way, way beyond "porn in the sock drawer" behavior. That's why I say you should give "unsentimental" thought to this: don't think about the fun time you went to the lake or the way he doesn't like mayonnaise on his sandwiches; think about whether you have any sense left at all of who he is as a human being, and whether you're the sort of person who can live your life, and preserve your confidence, with a partner who has sexual interests you find repulsively misogynistic and who is probably always going to lie to you about that part of his character. Some women can live, unproblematically, with somebody who's a little warped about women (I've seen it), but that doesn't mean most women should. And honestly, from your post, you don't sound at all like the type who would want to.

After that one day, if you've decided you can't live with this, pack up his things, make arrangements to stay with a friend if you need to, and do everything jadepearl says. Be prepared for a lot of charismatic excuses, and be prepared to call the cops if necessary. Don't let him turn the conversation into a complex philosophical argument, and get away from him as soon as possible after you've said your peace.

Also, nthing everyone who says you shouldn't literally put his stuff out on the curb. It's cathartic for a minute but ultimately it's just free entertainment for the neighbors. I've been that neighbor; you don't need to throw their attention into everything else you're already dealing with.
posted by urufu at 11:27 PM on September 7, 2014 [2 favorites]

Only you know how he treats you, what kind of agreements you've already made, how much you respect him, and so on. "

She told us that they agreed he would tell her when he goes to strip clubs. But that was lie. That's what we know about what she wants and how he treats her.

What does anyone imagine may be mitigating factors?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:55 AM on September 8, 2014

I just want to make a specific note about the strip club thing. I'm not gonna say that frequenting strip clubs automatically makes you a creep or a misogynist, but in this instance it is clearly of a piece with the rest of his behavior. When I read your question, I thought to myself "wow, this guy must go to strip clubs a hell of a lot." I really do not think I know anyone who goes to them so often that it would become a sticking point with their SO - a strip club is a not a Friday-night-out-with-the-boys sort of activity, you go for bachelor parties and stuff like that. I personally do not like strip clubs, but even people I know who like them to do not go even somewhat regularly.

So, when I think about the way he acts with his friends - going to strip clubs regularly, sharing "creep shots" (and there's a reason they are called that), making misogynistic comments about women's bodies - I don't know if you have experience hanging around with groups of male friends, but this isn't normal. Sure, my friends and I will discuss women, and might from time to time make a comment that is politically incorrect or that you wouldn't want to hear. But oogling women - even in the relatively tame way in which we may do it sometimes - is not the bread-and-butter of our friendships. It is not our default activity, it isn't even our second or third default activity. I think it says something disturbing about him, and his friends, and their dynamic with each other that this is something they do, and that it seems to have such centrality to them.

Everyone else has given you solid advice about the relationship, but in the future: pay attention to the company your partner keeps.
posted by breakin' the law at 8:37 AM on September 8, 2014 [3 favorites]

When he is with you, he is pretending to be someone he is not. This bodes very badly for the future.
posted by LauraJ at 9:56 AM on September 8, 2014 [1 favorite]

While he's away, he asks me to look at his phone to give him some info.

Got that? This means Boyfriend gave the OP his express permission to actually search through his phone and, in fact, handed over said phone to the OP so she could basically play unpaid secretary and help him access his info remotely. So contrary to what some are saying in this thread, NO, the OP didn't "breach any trust" there. Please!

On these facts, his clear prior permission was obtained - and that was by (passive aggressive?) design. @Beti and @fuse theorem are absolutely correct: Boyfriend wanted the OP to have a look though his phone so that she would find all of this out.

This is a complete shock to me. We've been together for 2.5 years now. This behavior is not anything I would have thought he does or is into.

A "complete shock," OP? Hmmm.... With all due respect, these revelations probably shouldn't have been quite this shocking to you (or on preview, what @breakin' the law said). I'm not trying to be harsh, but next time 'round you need to start seeing the forest for the trees already. (Are you, like, very young and/or easily shocked or something?) I mean, you guys already had a pre-existing "compromise" about him going to strip clubs. You "hate that he goes." And instead of you simply accepting the fact like he likes to patronize strip clubs and letting him be, you mistakenly believed you had resolved this disagreement once and for all by getting him to agree to "let you know" before you "find out second hand." What's up with that? If having a boyfriend who doesn't do this type of thing is a priority for you, then for heaven's sake don't agree to date someone with whom you need to "compromise" in the first place.

I hate to be the one to point this out because I believe in your shoes you should DTMFA because you two are clearly not compatible in a deal-breaker-ish way for you... When he gave you his phone and instructed you to search through it, he actually DID let you know, first hand. No question. HE let YOU know, OP. Not in the way you contemplated when you entered your compromise, but still.

OP, you have every right to seek out a relationship with a man who never ever ever goes to strip clubs or looks at porn or hangs with jerky bro-ish friends. In the future, you'll have a lot more success with this if you start out being brave to see this as the obvious deal breaker it is for you, and are strong and articulate enough to state that preference right up front, instead of engaging in these "compromises" and doing the "OMG gotcha!" thing when he behaves oh so predictably.
posted by hush at 10:15 AM on September 8, 2014 [3 favorites]

Kind of late, but you will want to check your hardware very explicitly for any nuisances. Here is Deezil's profile.

(For clarity: Deezil's page is to get rid of suspicious software on a computer – he is not the sketchy boyfriend described in this thread)
posted by jadepearl at 1:19 PM on September 9, 2014 [3 favorites]

Mod note: Updated jadepearl's comment by request, for clarity.
posted by taz (staff) at 5:25 AM on September 10, 2014

Your boyfriend wasn't honest with you in a way you two had agreed to be honest.

Your choices now are:

1) Break up, because broken honesty is incredibly hard to repair, or

2) Break up, because broken honesty indicates bullshit.

Those are most likely the healthiest choices for you.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:07 PM on September 10, 2014