How do I deal with my crush at a cafe?
July 1, 2014 6:08 PM   Subscribe

I'm not sure how to say this without sounding like a 13 year old but I'm in love with a guy who frequents the same cafe as I do but haven't met. I dont know how to deal with it.

Ok, so for the past couple of months I've been frequenting a particular cafe to do my college work since it has a nice atmosphere and began to notice a guy who's always present there. I never realized I actually liked him until one night whenI came back from the cafe and started thinking about him all the time.

When I told my friends about it they started laughing at me and said things like "you haven't even spoken to him" "you don't even know his name, blah blah blah". One of them even decided to come along just to see him and told me that I deserve better and that if she had to rate his face out of 10 it would be 2. Despite all these comments, I still feel totally in love with him and the more I see him, the more handsome he seems. I guess the reasons why I felt so attracted to him is his solitary and introverted character and the way he's so committed to his studies. The rest of the people who go there tend to be socializing with friends or working in groups and rarely do you see students working alone.

Perhaps he feels the same way about me because I tend stay there for long hours alone and would sometimes catch him staring at me through the glass walls as he leaves the cafe for a while or as he stands near the counter.

Though once, when he arrived there late during a crowded time, he started scanning the place for an empty table and ended up sitting outside under the sun despite the empty table right next to mine so I really cant tell what he thinks of me.

I'm really not sure what to do anymore; I reached the point where I would go there just to see him and would end up feeling very down when he doesnt show up. My friends tell me to approach him but I guess im too shy or afraid that he would react in a disinterested way which would make me feel rejected and avoid going there altogether.

Oh, and if it makes a difference, I'm in my early 20's, weigh around 60 kgs and have a baby face. He looks almost the same age.
posted by bubbletea54 to Human Relations (18 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
"Hello. I see you here so often I thought I should come over and say hi."
posted by colin_l at 6:10 PM on July 1, 2014 [11 favorites]

You don't love him - and you know you don't. You love the idea of him, and that is a powerful thing. But, since you don't actually know anything about him, now is the ideal time to get to know who he actually is rather than what he looks like. Who knows? Maybe you WILL love him once you get to know him!

Tomorrow get your drink and before you sit down, walk over to him and say something like this: "You know, I feel like I've seen you hundreds of times at this cafe studying and I can't believe I've never talked to you. I'm bubbletea54. What are you studying?"

And start talking.
posted by arnicae at 6:12 PM on July 1, 2014 [21 favorites]

I believe colin_l has it right. I recommend doing something like that on your way out of the cafe -- if the chemistry isn't there or he seems uncomfortable, no harm done, just cut the conversation short and be on your way (and the weirdness will have dissipated by the time you want to go back). If the chemistry is there, it will keep until the next time you see each other.
posted by telegraph at 6:13 PM on July 1, 2014 [2 favorites]

You have two choices:

1) Stop going to that cafe.
2) Approach and introduce yourself.

That's really it. Also, you're not in love with him you just have a crush. Which is cool but nothing like being in love.
posted by Justinian at 6:18 PM on July 1, 2014 [7 favorites]

Sit near him and force some kind of ice breaker. Like, ask him to watch your stuff while you go to the bathroom. Ask if your headphones are leaking noise. Ask if this chair is taken. Whatever.

Then. "Hi, I'm bubbletea54. I see you here a lot, right?"

If he likes you, he'll bite. And then you get to be friends, and if you definitely still like him, ask him out.

You're just looking for an in.
posted by Sara C. at 6:19 PM on July 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

At this point, the person you're in love with and crushing on is a fantasy. It's like falling in love with a celebrity or a film character. He might be nothing like what you imagine; you might have no chemistry together; or you might totally click and have an amazing romance. But you need to stop torturing yourself.

I get the fear of awkwardness and embarrassment. But you have to do something. So maybe - hand him a note on your way out one day. With your name and phone number, or 'find me on Facebook', or something like that, whatever feels best for you. You can just drop it off and go before he's even finished reading it. Over and done in 5 seconds. You can totally do this!
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:20 PM on July 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Oh to be young and think this is love. The important question here is this: how much do you love this cafe?
posted by drpynchon at 6:25 PM on July 1, 2014 [44 favorites]

You definitely are not in love with this person. You just have a crush on him.

One thing to consider is that if you ask him out, suddenly he goes from being this object of your affection to a real person, and maybe that person will suck. You don't know! Maybe he hates animals, or is a weird conspiracy theory guy, or is super mean to his mom. I would sort of be inclined to let it lie and revel in the crush aspect without trying to force yourself into an asking-out situation you aren't comfortable with, especially if a negative response would make you feel bad and lead to having to find a new cafe. But maybe that's just the old married lady in me talking.
posted by something something at 6:39 PM on July 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

Oh goodness, you can't love a person you don't know.

Buy him a coffee and introduce yourself. That's it. You may discover that he's not all that great, or he might be the bees knees, but do yourself and him the justice of actually getting to know the dude before investing emotions and shit.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:56 PM on July 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

You're not in love, you're in limerence!

I found myself in almost your exact situation--super intense feelings for a relative stranger. My plan of action was twofold: leave a note AND have an contingency plan. The note leaving should be something along the lines of what PercussivePaul mentioned. It should have a funny joke on it or something, NOT "I've been watching you for months and am in love with you." Give it a few days. If there is a negative response or no response at all, then it's pretty simple--you stop going to that cafe.

You're forcing the issue and facing rejection head-on with this method. Trust me, this is so so so much better than pining after this fantasy and playing the whole "stolen glances" game for months. It will go on for a really long time if you let it or unless he stops going to that cafe... ask me how I know.
posted by joeyjoejoejr at 7:20 PM on July 1, 2014 [3 favorites]

the rules of flirting are four

light touching
eye contact

do those four things.

Report back in a week.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:40 PM on July 1, 2014 [7 favorites]

Oh my God, here's what you should do:

-Get some really good friends.
-Go out to a bar. I don't care if you're shy and studious. Do it at least once.
-Make out with a hot guy who's totally out of your league. Really make out with him good.
-Enjoy your youth.

ONLY AFTER YOU HAVE DONE THE ABOVE AT LEAST ONCE MAY YOU SPEAK TO THIS DUDE. Compliment his shirt or ask him what he's reading.

Jesus, if only I could go back in time to the early 20s just-out-of-engagement over-serious shy college girl I once was, slap myself, and say "stop these silly crushes and live a little!" You have no idea.
posted by quincunx at 8:58 PM on July 1, 2014 [13 favorites]

the rules of flirting are four

light touching
eye contact

do those four things.

For clarification: at this point of your crush, "light touching" means "gently touching his sleeve to get his attention as you being talking, or ... well, really, that's about it without seeming creepy.

Because anything more than the most trivial of touches requires consent. From any gender/person.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:11 PM on July 1, 2014 [4 favorites]

One of my friends (no, really) does this thing where she asks the guy where he got something.

Like, she pretends she's noticed his shirt/shoes/wristwatch/pen/fascinator, it really doesn't matter, and that she's been looking for a similar one for herself/her brother/her guinea pig.

Serves multiple purposes: compliments him, makes it appear that you have similar tastes, and opens up a conversation that can segue into more interesting territory. :)
posted by Salamander at 11:10 PM on July 1, 2014 [10 favorites]

Try doing what the woman in the first scene here does. He'll probably react better than the man in that video.
posted by John Cohen at 5:54 AM on July 2, 2014

You are attracted to something you don't know anything about. His solitary and introverted character might mean he's a real jerk who doesn't have any friends. You need to let go of all the things you've made up about him in your mind and go and talk to him. Next time you find him in line next to you or throwing his stuff away when you are, then say, "hey, won't you be glad when this semester's over?". Then you can ask him more questions but let him talk, don't just pepper him with questions.
posted by dawkins_7 at 7:51 AM on July 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

For clarification: at this point of your crush, "light touching" means "gently touching his sleeve to get his attention as you being talking, or ... well, really, that's about it without seeming creepy.

yep, hence the "light." Not any kind of creepy stroking of the arm or anything. just a quick touch on his sleeve. And you really do it only once.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:49 AM on July 2, 2014

Response by poster: Hahahaha, thanks guys for your comments, they really made me chuckle.
I know I sounded like a shy person but in fact i'm not that shy. I mean baristas always start conversations with me and I speak to many people at the cafe except him. I just never had the courage to. Your posts really motivated me to do something about it because this can't go on forever. And perhaps next semester he might graduate and I wont get to see him anymore. Even if he doesnt react positively, I know that I would still go to that cafe because once I know how he truly feels there is no point of liking him anymore.
posted by bubbletea54 at 2:42 PM on July 2, 2014

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