How do I settle a housework dispute between me and my partner?
April 7, 2014 11:53 AM Subscribe
How do I settle a housework dispute between me and my partner?
My partner and I are at an impasse regarding a fair division of household responsibilities. I work part time at a less-remunerative job, because (a) I left a full-time job to move back to the area in the midst of the recession, and (b) I have a chronic illness that makes holding a full time job unrealistic. My partner works full time. As a result, I think it is fair for me to do maintenance tasks, i.e., sweeping the floors, cleaning the bathroom, washing sheets, towels and laundry that is placed in a hamper, and that kind of general maintenance.
However, my partner believes that I should be picking up their stuff. Their mess is currently spread over three rooms of our house, which I have abdicated responsibility for. Their stuff is constantly growing with each sale they see on the internet. Their stuff is all over the floor and all surfaces in piles. I think this is an unfair expectation, because everyone should be responsible for their own stuff, and I don't have any say in being able to throw things out or stop new things from into the house in the first place. There is a huge difference between "cleaning" and "cleaning up after". I find picking up and organizing objects extremely mentally taxing, especially since I don't know what half of this stuff is. I don't want to just throw it all in a box because we have dozens of their random-stuff boxes that have not been excavated since we moved last August.
I suppose my question is twofold. Part one is whether my expectations over this are fair. Part two is how to talk to a partner who isn't very receptive to my perspective. When talking about this, they complain about having to do house-maintenance such as installing locks, or how little I work, even though they are aware of the reasons for my employment situation. I feel like it is being used against me in a way that cuts down my self-esteem. I am treated like a burden and what I do is never enough. It is frustrating enough for me to end the relationship, because it comes up in every emotional interaction we have - I don't have the right to ask anything because they make money, and they come up with a criticism of me if I have anything to say that makes them feel defensive. However, at this point that is not the direction I am going to take.
My partner and I are at an impasse regarding a fair division of household responsibilities. I work part time at a less-remunerative job, because (a) I left a full-time job to move back to the area in the midst of the recession, and (b) I have a chronic illness that makes holding a full time job unrealistic. My partner works full time. As a result, I think it is fair for me to do maintenance tasks, i.e., sweeping the floors, cleaning the bathroom, washing sheets, towels and laundry that is placed in a hamper, and that kind of general maintenance.
However, my partner believes that I should be picking up their stuff. Their mess is currently spread over three rooms of our house, which I have abdicated responsibility for. Their stuff is constantly growing with each sale they see on the internet. Their stuff is all over the floor and all surfaces in piles. I think this is an unfair expectation, because everyone should be responsible for their own stuff, and I don't have any say in being able to throw things out or stop new things from into the house in the first place. There is a huge difference between "cleaning" and "cleaning up after". I find picking up and organizing objects extremely mentally taxing, especially since I don't know what half of this stuff is. I don't want to just throw it all in a box because we have dozens of their random-stuff boxes that have not been excavated since we moved last August.
I suppose my question is twofold. Part one is whether my expectations over this are fair. Part two is how to talk to a partner who isn't very receptive to my perspective. When talking about this, they complain about having to do house-maintenance such as installing locks, or how little I work, even though they are aware of the reasons for my employment situation. I feel like it is being used against me in a way that cuts down my self-esteem. I am treated like a burden and what I do is never enough. It is frustrating enough for me to end the relationship, because it comes up in every emotional interaction we have - I don't have the right to ask anything because they make money, and they come up with a criticism of me if I have anything to say that makes them feel defensive. However, at this point that is not the direction I am going to take.
Your expectations are not unreasonable. Your partner is being a jerk. Maybe he has legitimate stresses that make him wish his to-do list was shorter, but this is a crappy way to handle that stress.
On preview, I agree completely with mikepop.
posted by jon1270 at 11:58 AM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
On preview, I agree completely with mikepop.
posted by jon1270 at 11:58 AM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
What mikepop said. This is not about housework. This is not even about you not having a job. This is a fundamental disagreement on you and your SO's relative "worth" to the relationship, and you need to get that settled -- or at least have each of you admit that it's a fundamental disagreement and that you both need to work on it -- immediately.
posted by Etrigan at 12:00 PM on April 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 12:00 PM on April 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
Can you guys get a storage unit for the stuff? That way, all stuff goes in a storage unit (out of the house) and you'll have no reason to go there yourself, so there's no fight over who picks up after it. If you can't get a storage unit (or if that's impractical because your partner wants to be near the stuff frequently), could there be a single designated room for the stuff? Like the storage unit, all stuff goes in the room. There's no picking up for you to do, except maybe tossing the stuff in the room and closing the door on it.
Go ahead and unpack, organize, or toss the things that are still in boxes from your move in August. Make it so that everything has a place, except the stuff. Then all the stuff goes in the designated room.
That would solve the argument. It won't solve the underlying problem, though. It sounds to me like your partner resents your part-time work status, and possibly has a problem with consumerism.
posted by Houstonian at 12:16 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Go ahead and unpack, organize, or toss the things that are still in boxes from your move in August. Make it so that everything has a place, except the stuff. Then all the stuff goes in the designated room.
That would solve the argument. It won't solve the underlying problem, though. It sounds to me like your partner resents your part-time work status, and possibly has a problem with consumerism.
posted by Houstonian at 12:16 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
I agree that your expectations are completely reasonable. As I see it, there are two issues: your partner expecting you to clean up after them, and your partner buying a problematic amount of "stuff" on the internet. If this stuff is filling three rooms of your house, then your partner has a problem.
posted by barnoley at 12:24 PM on April 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by barnoley at 12:24 PM on April 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
How do you settle it? You go to a mediator. The mediator will point out the parts of each point of view that are logically reasonable and unreasonable, and the parts of each point of view that are emotionally reasonable and unreasonable, and suggest various compromise actions, which you and your partner will discuss, and might agree on trying. The mediator will not say "OP, you are totally right, and your partner needs to change their behavior immediately".
This is very loaded. You resent them for having more money than you do, and they resent you for having more time than they do, and it's easy to wave these relative wealths and deficiencies in each others faces.
Think of something you could do for them that would mitigate the problem. Maybe that means reducing the number of rooms covered in their clutter from 3 rooms, down to 2. You don't have to organize or throw out or anything, you just carry items from room 3 into room 2, set them against the wall, and let the pile start accumulating. The house is cleaner, and the items have become "not your problem". Of course, some months in the future, your partner will have a breakdown and try to work on this and wheedle your help in dealing with the pile of stuff, but that's later.
Also, this is something that's worthy of breaking up with him over. (or at least, a symptom of a the overall problem (lack of respect for you and responsibility for himself) that's worth breaking up with him over).
posted by aimedwander at 12:24 PM on April 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
This is very loaded. You resent them for having more money than you do, and they resent you for having more time than they do, and it's easy to wave these relative wealths and deficiencies in each others faces.
Think of something you could do for them that would mitigate the problem. Maybe that means reducing the number of rooms covered in their clutter from 3 rooms, down to 2. You don't have to organize or throw out or anything, you just carry items from room 3 into room 2, set them against the wall, and let the pile start accumulating. The house is cleaner, and the items have become "not your problem". Of course, some months in the future, your partner will have a breakdown and try to work on this and wheedle your help in dealing with the pile of stuff, but that's later.
Also, this is something that's worthy of breaking up with him over. (or at least, a symptom of a the overall problem (lack of respect for you and responsibility for himself) that's worth breaking up with him over).
posted by aimedwander at 12:24 PM on April 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
I don't have any say in being able to throw things out or stop new things from into the house in the first place.
Tell him/her that if you get to throw things out/goodwill things that don't seem like they're necessary, you'd be happy to "organize" them (if indeed you would be) but unless s/he feels comfortable with that, you can't help.
Further, I would offer the same advice I give in all relational disputes related to cleaning/organization: get professional help. A professional cleaner, that is. Mr. Arnicae and I started getting professional cleaning help five years ago and it has cut down the fights we have by more than 50%. It is amazing what $65/week in cleaning services can do for improving relationship harmony. In this case it sounds like the professional cleaner would be organizing you mostly for a couple of hours each week (and possibly carting somethings off to consignment/goodwill type places). Try it, it will transform your relationship.
posted by arnicae at 12:26 PM on April 7, 2014
Tell him/her that if you get to throw things out/goodwill things that don't seem like they're necessary, you'd be happy to "organize" them (if indeed you would be) but unless s/he feels comfortable with that, you can't help.
Further, I would offer the same advice I give in all relational disputes related to cleaning/organization: get professional help. A professional cleaner, that is. Mr. Arnicae and I started getting professional cleaning help five years ago and it has cut down the fights we have by more than 50%. It is amazing what $65/week in cleaning services can do for improving relationship harmony. In this case it sounds like the professional cleaner would be organizing you mostly for a couple of hours each week (and possibly carting somethings off to consignment/goodwill type places). Try it, it will transform your relationship.
posted by arnicae at 12:26 PM on April 7, 2014
I feel like it is being used against me in a way that cuts down my self-esteem. I am treated like a burden and what I do is never enough.
Yeah, this is only nominally about stuff. You need to express this part of your unhappiness to him forthrightly, and hopefully with a counsellor present. The stuff is just a symptom of an overall misunderstanding about how to conduct a relationship between you two.
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:39 PM on April 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
Yeah, this is only nominally about stuff. You need to express this part of your unhappiness to him forthrightly, and hopefully with a counsellor present. The stuff is just a symptom of an overall misunderstanding about how to conduct a relationship between you two.
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:39 PM on April 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
You know this isn't a housekeeping problem. Mikepop nailed it right off.
If your partner really is a partner, s/he will be loving towards you and accept that s/he's taken you "in sickness and in health" and that you are ill and doing what you can to contribute.
It sounds like your partner is hoarding, buying things that are not needed and that have no immediate or foreseeable use.
If s/he's resentful of you, that needs to be hashed out. If he's stressed and obtaining stuff is some way of relieving that stress, s/he needs professional help.
No way around it, you both need to get into couples counseling.
It is unacceptable for the major breadwinner to hold money over the head of his/her partner. No relationship should have an inequity that allows one person in it to hold power over the other partner. That ain't right.
It sounds like your household is full of stress and resentment on both sides. It's a metafilter saw, but it's right in theis case, get to a councellor and either work out something that allows you both to have agency and dignity in the relationship, or work out as amicable a split as possible.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:46 PM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
If your partner really is a partner, s/he will be loving towards you and accept that s/he's taken you "in sickness and in health" and that you are ill and doing what you can to contribute.
It sounds like your partner is hoarding, buying things that are not needed and that have no immediate or foreseeable use.
If s/he's resentful of you, that needs to be hashed out. If he's stressed and obtaining stuff is some way of relieving that stress, s/he needs professional help.
No way around it, you both need to get into couples counseling.
It is unacceptable for the major breadwinner to hold money over the head of his/her partner. No relationship should have an inequity that allows one person in it to hold power over the other partner. That ain't right.
It sounds like your household is full of stress and resentment on both sides. It's a metafilter saw, but it's right in theis case, get to a councellor and either work out something that allows you both to have agency and dignity in the relationship, or work out as amicable a split as possible.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:46 PM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I think sometimes we are alarmist and quick to insist on counseling but in this case it sounds 100% warranted and necessary. Your expectations are reasonable, the way you've laid them out here, but the whole emotional setup sounds super corrosive and unlikely to improve on its own.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:16 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:16 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Mod note: This is an answer from an anonymous commenter.
I feel like it is being used against me in a way that cuts down my self-esteem. I am treated like a burden and what I do is never enough. It is frustrating enough for me to end the relationship, because it comes up in every emotional interaction we have - I don't have the right to ask anything because they make money, and they come up with a criticism of me if I have anything to say that makes them feel defensive.posted by cortex (staff) at 1:17 PM on April 7, 2014 [29 favorites]
This is emotionally abusive and you don't have to put up with this. If your partner won't go to a counselor with you, go by yourself (actually, go to one yourself either way). This has nothing to do with housework; if it weren't that, it'd be some other issue. You will never be able to do enough.
The housekeeping solution: once a week, all loose stuff goes into a box/closet designated for this purpose. Anyone with stuff in the box/closet needs to get the item to its rightful place, because once a month, the stuff goes to Goodwill. Didn't get your Important Thing in time? Then it must not have been very Important, because you had at least a week to do so.
This is what my parents did to keep our home clutter-free when I was a kid, so it's age-appropriate until about 10. Which is why I agree with the above commenters that your partner is in the wrong and the problems you describe run deeper than housework. Grown-ups pick up after themselves.
posted by juliplease at 1:22 PM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
This is what my parents did to keep our home clutter-free when I was a kid, so it's age-appropriate until about 10. Which is why I agree with the above commenters that your partner is in the wrong and the problems you describe run deeper than housework. Grown-ups pick up after themselves.
posted by juliplease at 1:22 PM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
"It is called cleaning, not cleaning up after."
If it were my "stuff" I would not want people moving it because I'd lose track of it. So if they persist, move it once, into one huge pile in a green garbage bag and leave it by the door for them to sort through. When asked, just say you "cleaned up".
posted by Gungho at 1:45 PM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
If it were my "stuff" I would not want people moving it because I'd lose track of it. So if they persist, move it once, into one huge pile in a green garbage bag and leave it by the door for them to sort through. When asked, just say you "cleaned up".
posted by Gungho at 1:45 PM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
I agree that your expectations are fair, that your partner sounds like they have a hoarding problem, and that the way your partner is rationalizing their demands is unreasonable and borderline abusive. I also agree that counseling or therapy, either individually or as a couple, is a good next step.
posted by jaguar at 1:48 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by jaguar at 1:48 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
You might pick up a copy of Chore Wars.
But, I am a chronically ill person who left my marriage. His crap being dumped all over the place and creating an undue burden on me (while he acted like he was a hero for staying with me blah blah blah) was one of the chronic issues in the marriage. Life has been far better without him. If you think you can support yourself, you should consider leaving.
But, yes, like others are saying: whether you stay or go, also get some therapy for yourself. You shouldn't have to ask a bunch of strangers on the Internet to validate this. The person you are with is being a disrespectful jerk and there has to be some internal reason you don't quite feel confident in just taking a hard line about this.
((HUGS)) if you want them.
posted by Michele in California at 2:08 PM on April 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
But, I am a chronically ill person who left my marriage. His crap being dumped all over the place and creating an undue burden on me (while he acted like he was a hero for staying with me blah blah blah) was one of the chronic issues in the marriage. Life has been far better without him. If you think you can support yourself, you should consider leaving.
But, yes, like others are saying: whether you stay or go, also get some therapy for yourself. You shouldn't have to ask a bunch of strangers on the Internet to validate this. The person you are with is being a disrespectful jerk and there has to be some internal reason you don't quite feel confident in just taking a hard line about this.
((HUGS)) if you want them.
posted by Michele in California at 2:08 PM on April 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
my partner believes that I should be picking up their stuff.
Unless your partner is four, he or she is incorrect.
how to talk to a partner who isn't very receptive to my perspective.
I feel like it is being used against me in a way that cuts down my self-esteem.
I think you're right.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:34 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Unless your partner is four, he or she is incorrect.
how to talk to a partner who isn't very receptive to my perspective.
I feel like it is being used against me in a way that cuts down my self-esteem.
I think you're right.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:34 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your expectations are reasonable. Perhaps your partner should hire a cleaner to deal with the chores they don't want to do themselves and that don't fall into your bucket.
posted by spindrifter at 2:42 PM on April 7, 2014
posted by spindrifter at 2:42 PM on April 7, 2014
What a load of immature codswallop on your partner's part. You live with someone, you act like a friggen grown-up which includes taking care of the mess you make. Collective messes are handled collectively according to time and physical ability. For the record in my/our household the wage/disability situation is pretty similar. I work full time, my wife part time due in part to a disability. Collective household chores are probably somewhere around 60/40 her/me split, with adjusting according to circumstances. The amount of money we individually make has such a low priority in that ratio I can't even imagine a stable grown-up relationship relying on it.
No wonder you are thinking it might be a deal breaker.
posted by edgeways at 2:44 PM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
No wonder you are thinking it might be a deal breaker.
posted by edgeways at 2:44 PM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Their mess is currently spread over three rooms of our house, which I have abdicated responsibility for. Their stuff is constantly growing with each sale they see on the internet. Their stuff is all over the floor and all surfaces in piles.
+
My partner believes that I should be picking up their stuff.
= Not how things work in a sane and civiliized world.
Your partner is already getting away with piling stuff all over the place in an apparently very messy and cluttered way. To ask you to pick up that stuff is way, way, way over the top. This is not a dispute. This is you struggling to deal with and make sense of someone making totally unreasonable, outrageous demands. Step back and realize that you are not dealing with a rational situation and approach it accordingly.
posted by Dansaman at 3:41 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
+
My partner believes that I should be picking up their stuff.
= Not how things work in a sane and civiliized world.
Your partner is already getting away with piling stuff all over the place in an apparently very messy and cluttered way. To ask you to pick up that stuff is way, way, way over the top. This is not a dispute. This is you struggling to deal with and make sense of someone making totally unreasonable, outrageous demands. Step back and realize that you are not dealing with a rational situation and approach it accordingly.
posted by Dansaman at 3:41 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your partner is not treating you with respect. This is an excellent reason to leave the relationship.
posted by Kangaroo at 4:06 PM on April 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Kangaroo at 4:06 PM on April 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
The answers above are correct, but I know that sometimes it's not that easy to go for counseling. Or leave the relationship. Since you have refused to deal with your partner's mess (which I totally agree with), you just need a few calm responses. It would help to print out this question and all our answers in order to start a meaningful conversation.
I'm happy to deal with "our" stuff, but you have to take responsibility for "your" stuff.
If I put it away, how will you ever know where it is?
Can you rent a storage unit to keep all your boxes?
Also, I do recommend Does this Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat? By Peter Walsh. Very helpful for your partner.
posted by raisingsand at 4:23 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm happy to deal with "our" stuff, but you have to take responsibility for "your" stuff.
If I put it away, how will you ever know where it is?
Can you rent a storage unit to keep all your boxes?
Also, I do recommend Does this Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat? By Peter Walsh. Very helpful for your partner.
posted by raisingsand at 4:23 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
There's no objective measure of who should do what in a relationship -- everything is subject to negotiation between the partners. In other words, there's no single rule for *anything* that applies to *every* relationship.
So we can't say whether or not, objectively speaking, you are being asked to do too much.
We can tell from the things you have written, however, that this is a very difficult and trying relationship for you, and because you have posed it in the form of a question about fair distribution of housework, I wonder if you feel as though you need a specific "objective" unfairness to point to in order to illustrate to your partner that you feel as though you are being treated unfairly, as though without it, you yourself would be being unfair.
If you feel disrespected, invalidated, belittled, not listened to, or frustrated, you don't need an objective rule or measure in order to say "no" to the things that make you feel that way.
You sound as though you're at the end of your tether, and if I know chronic illness at all, I know that stress is the last thing you need. Do yourself a favor and stop making your partner's arguments for them in your head. Let yourself be in your head instead, and see whether being alone in your head isn't healthier. That might mean that being alone in your home is healthier for you as well.
posted by janey47 at 4:31 PM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
So we can't say whether or not, objectively speaking, you are being asked to do too much.
We can tell from the things you have written, however, that this is a very difficult and trying relationship for you, and because you have posed it in the form of a question about fair distribution of housework, I wonder if you feel as though you need a specific "objective" unfairness to point to in order to illustrate to your partner that you feel as though you are being treated unfairly, as though without it, you yourself would be being unfair.
If you feel disrespected, invalidated, belittled, not listened to, or frustrated, you don't need an objective rule or measure in order to say "no" to the things that make you feel that way.
You sound as though you're at the end of your tether, and if I know chronic illness at all, I know that stress is the last thing you need. Do yourself a favor and stop making your partner's arguments for them in your head. Let yourself be in your head instead, and see whether being alone in your head isn't healthier. That might mean that being alone in your home is healthier for you as well.
posted by janey47 at 4:31 PM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Your expectations are fair. Your partner is being a dick.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:51 PM on April 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:51 PM on April 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
The rule when I was growing up is that if you're doing it then it's up to you to decide how, when, frequency etc. If other people don't like it, THEY can do the chore. So if you're picking up their stuff, you get to decide what happens to it. If they don't want you tossing it (or whatever) they can pick up their own stuff.
This is a big IF - your expectations are completely reasonable. Everyone should be picking up their own stuff. Basic good rooommate/adult behaviour. This person sounds like they have hoarding tendencies; plus it sounds like their using their income as a weird kind of income. This needs therapy.
(My mom is a hoarder - luckily, I don't have to live with her, but that is an unproductive conversation until SHE decides she's ready to do something about it. Funnily enough, she is also weird about money.)
Google "the spoon theory of chronic illness" - this is one of the BEST descriptions I've ever read. If their argument is that you're not pulling your weight, this might get through or give you another way to explain what it's like for you.
posted by jrobin276 at 5:48 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
This is a big IF - your expectations are completely reasonable. Everyone should be picking up their own stuff. Basic good rooommate/adult behaviour. This person sounds like they have hoarding tendencies; plus it sounds like their using their income as a weird kind of income. This needs therapy.
(My mom is a hoarder - luckily, I don't have to live with her, but that is an unproductive conversation until SHE decides she's ready to do something about it. Funnily enough, she is also weird about money.)
Google "the spoon theory of chronic illness" - this is one of the BEST descriptions I've ever read. If their argument is that you're not pulling your weight, this might get through or give you another way to explain what it's like for you.
posted by jrobin276 at 5:48 PM on April 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Re your point 2 - does your partner hate their job? Are they getting anything out of it other than money? If not, that dissatisfaction could inform their resentment, and colour their logical understanding of the factors affecting your financial contribution. In my observation of a few similar situations, therapy doesn't help the lower-earning partner as much as money does, and the unhappily employed partner can soften if they feel their needs are addressed (e.g., if they feel supported in their own important goals). It sounds like your partner might be unhappy, if they're buying up eBay.
Nevertheless, whether your partner's sense of entitlement emerged out of unhappiness and resentment, or was there before, or reflects something unrelated to chores and distribution of labour, the power asymmetry's there now, and they are (I agree with others) being an asshole. There's a certain amount of damage a relationship can take, but there's a point at which emotional history just overwhelms goodwill and effort. It sounds like mutual respect has gone, and it's hard to come back from that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:40 PM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Nevertheless, whether your partner's sense of entitlement emerged out of unhappiness and resentment, or was there before, or reflects something unrelated to chores and distribution of labour, the power asymmetry's there now, and they are (I agree with others) being an asshole. There's a certain amount of damage a relationship can take, but there's a point at which emotional history just overwhelms goodwill and effort. It sounds like mutual respect has gone, and it's hard to come back from that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:40 PM on April 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Part one: Your expectations over this are definitely fair. His/her possessions are his/her responsibility. You don't know where they want this stuff to go or how it should be organized (is s/he going to get mad at you if you "do it wrong"?) I would only accept the responsibility of this chore if I was given free reign to trash/donate whatever I saw fit.
Part two: It sounds like you've tried your best to communicate with this "not receptive" and unloving, unsympathetic person. I'm sure you have reasons that are or feel very valid for taking ending the relationship off the table, but I personally would not be able to survive or thrive in the relationshp/living situation you describe. Life is too short. Seek counseling for yourself so you can possibly clarify what you want and need in life/relationship and, if you still think you want to make it work, possibly gain some tools for expressing this to partner. If you really want it to work sounds like partner also needs the help of a counrselor/therapist and couples therapy could probably be in order, instead or in addition to individual therapy.
posted by dahliachewswell at 9:41 PM on April 7, 2014
Part two: It sounds like you've tried your best to communicate with this "not receptive" and unloving, unsympathetic person. I'm sure you have reasons that are or feel very valid for taking ending the relationship off the table, but I personally would not be able to survive or thrive in the relationshp/living situation you describe. Life is too short. Seek counseling for yourself so you can possibly clarify what you want and need in life/relationship and, if you still think you want to make it work, possibly gain some tools for expressing this to partner. If you really want it to work sounds like partner also needs the help of a counrselor/therapist and couples therapy could probably be in order, instead or in addition to individual therapy.
posted by dahliachewswell at 9:41 PM on April 7, 2014
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posted by mikepop at 11:57 AM on April 7, 2014 [66 favorites]