Does this relationship worth continuing?
December 20, 2013 12:09 AM   Subscribe

I have known this girl for about 8 months. She has put a lot of pressure on me to meet her parents and wants to see my parents as well. In the beginning of our relationship she told me that she was done with dating and the last person she wants to be intimate with should ideally be her husband. She said that she dated two other people in the past and I am the third one. Since she was 30 years old and her number was too low to me, I asked her if she met other people in between her serious relationships and she said yes but she claimed she was not intimate with them. Anyways I did not care about her number as long as she was honest with me.

One month into our relationship we went to a party where I met this guy who acted kind of weird in front of my girl friend. I suspected that there was something between them and I asked my girl friend about 10 times in a matter of three months. She denied having anything with that guy and said that they were only co workers and hanged out a long time ago. Needless to say I saw text messages between my girl friend and her best friend about her having sex with that guy 3 years ago. Apparently at that time he was her boss at the company she was working but he had another girl friend that my current girl friend did not know about and they broke up eventually. I confronted my girl friend but she did not admit to it till I told her that I will leave if she does not come clean about it (didn’t say I looked at her text messages) she confessed that she lied and promised to be truthful from then on.

Another incident happened 5 months into our relationship. I noticed that she was still logging into the website through which we met each other. Immediately after we met I closed my account but she claimed she was not sure how to do it. I did not care but got a little suspicious and checked her out for 3 months and she kept logging average of couple of times per week. I confronted her but she said she did not mean to use it to check out other people. She said she treated it as a regular email and just was curious about messages that other guys sent her. I believed her and let it go.

Last incident which was really painful to me was the pictures I found in her cell phone. After the second incident I really thought that I need to be very careful before making any decision so I thought it is ok to check her cell phone once. In the iphone photo stream I found pictures of her and her ex having sex different positions. This was the ex that in the beginning she was asking my permission to be in touch with. She believed it was ok to be in touch with an ex. obviously I was destroyed seeing those pictures and I confronted her. She said she was sorry that I saw those pictures but mentioned that she did not know about photo steam at all and she deleted her camera role from all her ex pictures. I even saw that she sexted her ex those pics as a form of teasing.

Now I feel like a loser. I feel those guys got all the non string attached sex they wanted and I am the nice guy who eventually wants to marry after all that steamy sex she had with other people in the past. I compared the text messages she sent to her ex with the ones she send to me and it pisses me off even more. From those text messages it seems that her ex did not give a damn about her and yet she used to send all those sexual images and the texts were mostly about having fun and sex and…

On the other hand the texts with me are baby pictures and arguments about why I am not ready to meet her parents. Recently she stopped taking BC pills (after 4 years) because she says it causes hair loss. Since she hates protected sex I am sure she will force me to have unprotected sex with her soon.

Just wondering what you guys think about this relationship? Am I being too sensitive or are these huge red flags I should not ignore? I am 35 years old and she is 30 years old and we have been dating for 8 months.
posted by mbn1455 to Human Relations (41 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

You aren't being too sensitive. There's too much dishonesty, too many double standards. Leave. Now.

And don't feel like a loser. Being deceived does not make you a loser. It hurts, but it's not your fault that someone else took advantage of your trust. That's her fault. Leave, don't look back. Do not walk away from this relationship. Run. Run like hell.
posted by MeanwhileBackAtTheRanch at 12:19 AM on December 20, 2013 [22 favorites]

DTMFA. Nothing good will come out of this.

Sorry, OP. Hope that you can move forward quickly and safely!
posted by raihan_ at 12:26 AM on December 20, 2013 [12 favorites]

Oh man. If you're digging through her cell phone constantly, catching her in little lies, and you think she is going to force you into sex and babymaking against your will?

Leave yesterday.

I don't think you even like her, much less love her, she doesn't want what you want, she seems to be trying to rush seriousness while you aren't interested,

Honestly I doubt she's cheating on you; there's really nothing suspicious or cheater-y apart from still having a profile up. Being in touch with an ex IS okay to a lot of people. Her sexual past is honestly none of your damned business. But none of this matters because you don't trust her, never did, and because she did not disclose her past to you you never will.

I'm not saying this to put all the blame on you, but this is an equally toxic relationship and needs to stop.

So just leave, because any other path is just pure misery for everyone and aren't you too old for that shit?
posted by like_a_friend at 12:30 AM on December 20, 2013 [61 favorites]

Dude. She has been dishonest with you. You interrogated her repeatedly about the first guy, and you've repeatedly snooped on her phone and her online activities. There is nothing healthy about this scenario. Break up and, obviously, do not have unprotected sex with her.
posted by neushoorn at 12:33 AM on December 20, 2013 [8 favorites]

She sounds manipulative and bad at communicating and like she needs to get clear on a lot of things. But you also sound like you have a lot of double standards and need to do a lot of thinking about what you want. Do you want casual sex and dating with lots of people? Don't judge someone because that's a part of their life that you don't have - go have it yourself. I'm also concerned about how you were repeatedly nosy about her private information and forced things out of her that she clearly did not want to share. Another person might have things in their past that they're ashamed of - holding it over their heads until they tell you about it isn't good, kind, or healthy. That being said, all the other actions you describe this woman taking seem largely suspect. I think you're not good for each other. Please try to stop thinking about women in their thirties as "girls" or people who should be manipulated into telling you things they want to keep private. Look to form a relationship with someone who doesn't want privacy about the things you both value, instead.
posted by Mizu at 12:34 AM on December 20, 2013 [32 favorites]

I think that you do need to take a step back from this relationship, but not for the reasons you're offering here.

You've made a lot of assumptions about her behavior. It's not clear whether you both agreed to close your dating website accounts just 5 months after meeting? Did you ask for her permission before looking through her cell phone? When were the photos taken and texted – during her relationship with him? That would be normal. It sounds like that is indeed the case: I compared the text messages she sent to her ex with the ones she send to me and it pisses me off even more.

Then there's this: Since she hates protected sex I am sure she will force me to have unprotected sex with her soon.

She has not done this thing you fear she will do.

What does the past relationship with the boss have to do with your current relationship? It took place in the past, correct? Keep in mind, the fact he was her boss reflects just as badly on him as a highly-potentially-manipulative person. Especially the fact that you yourself say that he was the one acting weirdly around her at the party. She may have hid it because she ended up realizing that she had been used, or had conflicting feelings that don't fit an easy narrative you can just tell someone early on in a relationship.

I do think it would be good to break up, take some time to think about what you want in a relationship, and remind yourself that you will be with a person who has their own background. They will have had relationships before you. The past is not the present; you are not the same person as other exes. Keep your eyes and heart on the present. You don't need to assume dishonesty or go looking for texts from the past. If someone is dishonest, it will come out in the present.

I say this as someone who was cheated on. You will be much happier if you assume honesty from people: dishonesty becomes all the clearer.
posted by fraula at 12:37 AM on December 20, 2013 [15 favorites]

You don't trust her, and it seems like you're right not to. But no matter what, don't have unprotected sex with someone you don't trust.
posted by Ms. Next at 12:37 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

You know, some people would consider what her boss did to fall into the category of sexual assault, because he had power over her. Maybe your girlfriend did not have a consensual relationship with him...or maybe it doesn't feel like it was consensual now. There may be any number of reasons she kept this from you. And the guy might have bullied her into taking those photos. Maybe she doesn't want to delete them, in case there's some legal trouble about it later. There could be lots of reasons she's sensitive about it and didn't want to disclose.

If you didn't like your girlfriend's answers, you could have left. Snooping through her phone messages and photos is toxic. If you think she's dishonest and awful, then she's being toxic to you. So maybe cut the toxic and go. But don't hold her to double standards. Some guy acting funny at a party isn't reason enough to go digging through someone's entire phone history, no matter what you learn.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 12:57 AM on December 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

[One comment deleted. mbn1455, moderator here. Just so you know, Ask Metafilter isn't a spot for back and forth discussion, argument or debate of your problem; you can respond to questions or clarify if something is unclear, but basically you need to just review the different suggestions, pay attention to what seems useful, and ignore what you find unhelpful. Thanks.]
posted by taz (staff) at 12:58 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Dump her immediately and get some therapy, man. Or at least engage in some serious self-examination as to why got into this situation. Everything about your question oozes low self-esteem. You deserve someone who is honest with you and loves you. Don't just get into a relationship with someone because she's willing to date you.

And for gods sake do not get her pregnant.
posted by empath at 1:05 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

1) She's not honest with you. It's over.

2) Forcing someone into having sex they don't want is called rape. It's over.

3) You--everyone--deserves better than this shit. It's over.

4) "She believed it was ok to be in touch with an ex." - of course it's okay to be in touch with an ex. Why not? Why would you want to be with someone who cuts of all contact when a relationship doesn't work out? If you love(d) someone, they can have a place in your life. It says something very good about you when you can remain truly friends with someone after the emotional upheaval of a breakup.

5) How many people you or whoever you're dating have slept with before doesn't matter one little bit. Whether it's one or a thousand, what matters is what they have committed to you. Sounds like you're pretty young, and it's a difficult and weird lesson to learn, but learn it now: 99.9999999999999% of people you meet/fuck/date are not going to be virgins. Or to late-night-slightly-misquote one of my favourite authors, "It is not the first time in the history of men and women (nb: or men and men or women and women or insert gender variances here) that we have lain together with the ghosts of others with us." Your partner(s) will have a history. Deal with it. Whether you think the 'number' is too high or too low is totally irrelevant. What matters is how they treat you, and not how many people they've gotten naked with in the past. Until you can realize this, you're going to have difficulty dealing with adult relationships, and it's only going to get worse the older you get. Let it go.

6) Seriously she is treating you like garbage and you deserve so much better, because everyone deserves to be treated well by the people they love.

7) You'll find someone else, and the stuff you learn from this experience will help you filter out the good for you from the not good for you in the future.

8) I'm truly sorry that you have been treated like this. I would give you a hug if I could.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:21 AM on December 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Her past is her business, so long as it doesn't endanger your health. So she lied about her relationship with a guy from 3 years before you even met - hardly crime of the century. You only found out about it by snooping through her phone and reading her texts - a clear breach of trust in your present relationship.

The pictures and texts she sent her ex - also nothing to do with you, seriously, you confronted her about them? You had no right to be a) looking through her phone and b) confronting her about anything she might have done with her ex in the past.

She's 30 and wants children, her biological clock is seriously ticking. The way you're acting, I'm not surprised she keeps checking her dating profile. She's looking for a serious long-term relationship and was clear about that up front, 8 months in and you still don't even want to meet her parents, you may have all the time in the world but she doesn't.

Maybe she shouldn't be pressuring you but at the same time she shouldn't have to - she was clear about her needs up-front. You have to accept that if you date women in their 30s who want a family, they're going to need things to move a little faster. She doesn't owe you the steamy relationships she had in her 20s, she's a different person now. If you want that kind of relationship you should date younger women or women who don't want a family.

From your question the only thing I can see that she's actually done, is a little white lie about a relationship from years before you met.

You should break up so you can both find a relationship that meets your needs, however, if you need someone who is 100% honest about every past relationship and sexual encounter they've ever had, its going to limit your options.
posted by missmagenta at 1:29 AM on December 20, 2013 [43 favorites]

Since she hates protected sex I am sure she will force me to have unprotected sex with her soon.

Nobody's going to tell you this sounds like a good relationship. You can't, and probably shouldn't, trust her. It sounds joyless and you sound jealous and frustrated and resentful.

Why don't you break up with her, re-open your dating site account, try not to let this color your view of your next relationship, and find someone who likes sex, is honest about it, is honest with you, and doesn't pressure you to do things when you say you don't want to do them?

And really, try not to take out this weirdness on the next woman you date. Just try to find someone more upfront and less weird so you can have a nice drama-free relationship where you can relax and have some fun and when you find the right person you can up the stakes and move in or get married or whatever. Find someone who's actually fun.

Relationships are work. Not this much work, though.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:42 AM on December 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

Do. Not. Have. Unprotected. Sex. With. Her.

You are a grown adult who is fully in control of his mind and body. No one can force you to do anything.
posted by Rock Steady at 3:45 AM on December 20, 2013 [11 favorites]

Now I feel like a loser. I feel those guys got all the non string attached sex they wanted and I am the nice guy who eventually wants to marry after all that steamy sex she had with other people in the past. I compared the text messages she sent to her ex with the ones she send to me and it pisses me off even more. From those text messages it seems that her ex did not give a damn about her and yet she used to send all those sexual images and the texts were mostly about having fun and sex and…

Women are not sex dispensers who dole out sex as a commodity to those who earn/"deserve" it--she has every right (as do you, or anyone of any gender) to dial back and slow it down in subsequent or even simultaneous relationships. (Infidelity when there's an expectation of exclusiveness is a separate issue, if that's what's happening--timing of these other relationships isn't clear from your post.)

On the other hand the texts with me are baby pictures and arguments about why I am not ready to meet her parents. Recently she stopped taking BC pills (after 4 years) because she says it causes hair loss. Since she hates protected sex I am sure she will force me to have unprotected sex with her soon.

It's certainly within the realm of possibility for a man to be sexually assaulted by a woman. Any fear of this should be an instant deal breaker for any man or woman ever. Just go--you're miserable and this is clearly not the situation for you. (And in the meantime, don't get drunk or otherwise impaired around her, or whatever other scenario you're imaging.)
posted by blue suede stockings at 3:59 AM on December 20, 2013 [15 favorites]

You know how some people talk about how a good relationship brings out the best in both of the people, and really makes the good part of them that doesn't always get to come out shine?

Shit relationships can do the exact opposite. They can drive you to do things and engage in behaviors or patterns of behavior that you otherwise never would, and that are not representative of your greater character in any real way.

The snooping, the suspicion and jealousy, the general patterns of interacting here... i don't really think this is you or her at your best.

This entire thing seems like it just started off on the wrong foot and drunkenly fell down the stairs. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong combination of people. Neither person wants what the other is giving and your taking out your frustration on each other.

What she wants from you, a change from her previous relationships is completely valid. What you want from her, which is something more happy go lucky and how she was before as some ideal image you've created in your mind is also a completely valid thing to want from a relationship. Just not from her, and the same goes in the other direction.

It's some kind of ships passing in the night thing. You ran in to each other going the opposite directions and looking for different things, but since you were at the middle of the bridge it seemed like it could somehow meet up and work... but it couldn't, and it didn't.

So yea, leave, nothing good will come of this. It's only going to get worse from here.
posted by emptythought at 4:16 AM on December 20, 2013 [7 favorites]

Do you have women friends? I mean just friends - not women who are related to you and hang out with you or women you wish you could date. So much of this question seems like the product of not really being friends with women and thus not really being friends with your girlfriend - like, what holds you together other than sex and the desire to date someone, anyone?

If I were you, I would:

1. Not have unprotected sex with her. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "force" - nag, manipulate, physically push, coerce when you're drunk - but whatever you expect, be prepared for it and don't do it.

2. Ideally, break up with her right now. This relationship sounds awful.

3. Spend some time around women just as friends - volunteer, play a sport, etc. I think that the more comfortable you become with a variety of women, the easier it will be to find what you really want in a relationship and the more you know about how well you can relate to women, the less likely you'll be to settle for someone who sounds kind of awful. Also, I think a lot of the jealousy/anxiety issues in this question will go away when you're with a woman who is a better choice for you.

4. Don't snoop on people's phones or push them to disclose their sexual past if they don't want to. One of these days you'll find that you've pushed someone to tell you about something incredibly painful that she's not ready to talk about, and she will break up with your ass, and rightly so.

5. Don't date someone who is pushy about marriage and children very early in the relationship - not because it's pushy, but because it shows poor judgment. Anyone who is basically saying "meet my parents right now and we should be on a timeline to get married" before she knows you really, really well is doing a foolish thing. If you're dating women in their thirties, I expect that many of those women will be upfront about eventually wanting to get married and have kids, but that's not the same as starting the clock on the first date.

6. I kind of get the jealousy thing about the steamy sex, but it's not a healthy way to think. If you want NSA sex or just a more casual relationship, seek that out at the beginning. If you really love someone who has had a lot of NSA sex, remind yourself that out of all those people, they picked you - you're the one they want to be with!

Maybe you feel like your choice of women is very limited and you have to settle, for whatever reason. I assure you that it is not as limited as you think - even if it's not infinite - and you will be happier if you figure out better ways to relate to women and hold out for a person with whom you have a lot in common.

Also, I would have run screaming if anyone but my very first HS boyfriend had been talking marriage within the first few months of a relationship (and even with him, I knew it was teenage foolishness and said no every time).
posted by Frowner at 4:25 AM on December 20, 2013 [8 favorites]

Both of you can do better. Move on.
posted by flabdablet at 4:41 AM on December 20, 2013 [5 favorites]

How is she going to force you to have unprotected sex? Does she frequently use violence or threats or guilt you to get her way? Just walk away from this. it sounds like she is asking for a more serious commitment than you are comfortable making with her. I also wonder if you are projecting your suspicions of infidelity which have made her less than forthcoming about her past.

This relationship sounds unhealthy to me for many reasons: you don't trust her, she has lied about her past relationships, and you don't want the same things. Move on. Let her find some guy who won't care about her past and who wants to have a child.
posted by deathpanels at 4:44 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Why endure this? You don't need anyone to tell you what is so very clear from what you have written in your own post. Read your own words over, and resolve to get away before families and a pregnancy make things much more complicated. By the way, you have not once mentioned love, in either direction.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:45 AM on December 20, 2013

This may not be a popular opinion, but lying in a relationship, especially this early on, is never okay. People who lie are called liars, and liars are not trustworthy.

The question of how many people she's been with is just a derail. If she didn't want to talk about past lovers, she had many ways to deal with that: "Honestly, mbn1455, what's past is past and I don't think it's relevant any more. I'm not going to give you numbers or details." Or, "That's a conversation for much later in our relationship." Or, "My life is mine, and I'm not going to tell you who I'm still contacting/sexting/etc until we're engaged or married, because it's none of your business." Or, "I had [number] lovers, and I'm still in touch with some of them. If you're not okay with that, let me know now so we can both make an informed decision about whether we want to be together."

This is not about judging her for her sexual history. This is about her deceptions and general squirrely behavior. You have a right to be worried about it. IMO, she sounds very controlling and lies are often part of that. You two are just not compatible, and there's no real future in this. If you are already unhappy and uncomfortable now, get out before there's an unwanted child to contend with.

BTW, she may tell you she's through with deceptions, she will change, etc. However, promises from someone who's proven that they're quite comfortable with lying ... they mean nothing.

And your body is your own, just as hers is her own. DO NOT have sex with her without a condom! She's going to "force" you? As in: she's going to rape you? And you're wondering whether there's a future in this relationship?
posted by ROTFL at 5:21 AM on December 20, 2013 [6 favorites]

Look, at eight months, you should know if she's the kind of person you want to be married to, or she isn't. If she isn't break up.

As for her past, that's her business. Her "Number" is none of your business, it's even gross that you talk about it.

This is not a fun, happy relationship. You feel forced into something, she's desperate for something. Either way, it's nothing you want.

Break up, break up, break up. Not because she's a liar, although, that's no points in her favor. Not because she's angling to be married with a baby, and she doesn't seem to care too much who the husband/father will be. Not because you have turned into a suspicious, snooping loon. Break up because you don't love her and don't want to be married to her and don't want to have children with her.

It really is that simple.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:35 AM on December 20, 2013 [15 favorites]

I have known this girl for about 8 months. She has put a lot of pressure on me to meet her parents and wants to see my parents as well.

In the beginning of our relationship she told me that she was done with dating and the last person she wants to be intimate with should ideally be her husband.

On the other hand the texts with me are baby pictures and arguments about why I am not ready to meet her parents.

Recently she stopped taking BC pills (after 4 years) because she says it causes hair loss. Since she hates protected sex I am sure she will force me to have unprotected sex with her soon.

Yeah, strip out all of the drama about the exes, and you still are left with Bad News Bears. This is all deeply troubling.

I agree with the commenters above that your attitudes towards her may be problematic, but she's also treating you like an object here -- except her goal is Husband And Baby. And look, it's fine that she wants those things, and if she used her words and asked you for those things in a non-coercive way, it'd be fine. She wants what she wants.

But she's not doing that. It looks like she's working her way up to reproductive coercion.

Is there any chance you're not leaving her because you feel like you agreed to stay with her when she initially told you she wanted the last person to be her husband? Because that wasn't binding. You can leave.
posted by pie ninja at 5:50 AM on December 20, 2013 [4 favorites]

I came here preparing to give you a hard time, but really, she's lying to you. Get the hell out. It doesn't matter if her baby clock is ticking. Get the hell out. Don't meet her parents, do not pass go. Get the hell out. She is using you for family, and probably doesn't even like you.
posted by corb at 6:14 AM on December 20, 2013

The degree to which you don't trust her, before you had any evidence: asking 10 times, looking at her phone... that's the real deal-breaker. You need to decide WHY you were doing what you were doing here. Why the fear and paranoia? you need to figure that out.

She is not for you but you are definitely not for her.
posted by French Fry at 6:25 AM on December 20, 2013 [8 favorites]

Look at your question. There's nothing there about how much you love her or why. You see? There's your answer.
posted by bananafish at 6:25 AM on December 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

I suspected that there was something between them and I asked my girl friend about 10 times in a matter of three months.

I agree with everyone above that you and this woman should break up, and in this case it does sound like she's been dishonest with you about a lot of things.

But, if I can offer you a tip for future relationships: that behavior you described above? That shit will drive the honest, trustworthy women away. You only need to ask a question ONCE. If you don't believe the answer, then there are bigger issues in your relationship, but it's going to be very counterproductive for you if distrust someone before they've given you a reason to.
posted by Asparagus at 6:30 AM on December 20, 2013 [13 favorites]

Everything about this sounds terrible. What a miserable car crash. It's a great time to start a new year single! You should perform the breakup conversation forcefully, kindly and calmly. You don't need to explain why or how. You just need to say that your relationship is over.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:39 AM on December 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

you are both lying a lot. it reflects badly on both of you and on your relationship. you can make her the bad guy if it makes it easier for you to leave, but you really need to consider why you're ok with badgering, snooping, and lying to catch someone in a lie. that is not ok.

also, many women have problems with hormonal birth control and it's not reproductive coercion to stop taking birth control because her hair is falling out. now, if she actually tries to coerce you into unprotected sex, that's another matter, but just stopping birth control is something many women do because the side effects aren't worth it.
posted by nadawi at 6:41 AM on December 20, 2013 [8 favorites]

I don't think you should be in a relationship with someone you don't trust. I really don't think you should sleep with someone you don't trust. But I really, really, really don't think you should have unprotected sex with someone you don't trust.

That said, relationships aren't depositions. She shouldn't have lied to you but the woman you are seeing is not obligated to tell you the names of everyone she has slept with, or even the number. If that's a deal breaker for you, that might limit your options because not all women will be cool with that.

I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for four. I don't know how many people he has slept with and I don't know if he knows how many people I've slept with because it doesn't matter to either of us. Neither of us snoop on each other's phones. I would be annoyed if my husband snooped on my phone at all but I would be really annoyed if he snooped on a conversation with me and a girl friend because I feel like those should be sacrosanct. I could have texted girl friend, I am having a big surprise party for husband for his birthday or I think my period's late, should I worry. I would be upset if he saw that.

I'm a little confused by the part about the pictures. You're upset that your girlfriend has pictures of herself having sex with someone? It's not cool to tease an ex with those pictures, I agree, but you know that she has had sex before - why would seeing evidence of that destroy you? I wouldn't enjoy seeing pictures of my husband having sex with an ex but I know he had sex before me so I don't think it would destroy me.

Now I feel like a loser. I feel those guys got all the non string attached sex they wanted and I am the nice guy who eventually wants to marry after all that steamy sex she had with other people in the past.

Now you've really lost me. Being with this woman isn't like a game of hot potato. You don't have to marry her. It doesn't even sound like you like her. But again, you know she had sex in the past. I don't know why that matters when she is having sex with you now. Why are you comparing her text messages with those she sends you? You know that you and the ex are different people, why would she send you both the same kind of text message? If her ex didn't care about her, isn't it good that she isn't with him anymore? Sometimes when people are dating, one person in the relationship cares more about the other person than vice versa. It sounds like your girlfriend cared more about this guy than he cared about her. so it probably hurt for her when they split. Why are you holding against her proof that she got hurt in a previous relationship?

Look, I don't think you two should stick together but I think you should do some post-relationship work on yourself. I was with a guy in college who insisted on knowing the details of my sex life before we got together. That relationship was the worst because he used all of the info about my sexual history against me on a regular basis. He made me feel horrible about myself all the time. This isn't his writing style but if it was, I would wonder if this was him.
posted by kat518 at 6:45 AM on December 20, 2013 [11 favorites]

Also consider the possibility that your girlfriend lied about her past with that guy not out of malice toward you but because she was ashamed about it. He was her boss, he was cheating on her; she probably doesn't consider that her finest moment and it might be a part of her past that she considers not that meaningful and something she would rather forget, and not discuss with a brand-new boyfriend (which you were at the time).

Again, lying is still not great and you are definitely free to end things with her over it (and for many other reasons evident in your question, foremost among them that there doesn't appear to be any love in this relationship), but in the future: you're never going to find a healthy relationship if you jump to the worst possible conclusion about why your partner acted in a particular way.
posted by Asparagus at 6:45 AM on December 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

[A couple of comments deleted. Just answer the question and drop the speculation about the OP's girlfriend sabotaging condoms, etc.]
posted by taz (staff) at 7:06 AM on December 20, 2013

You have described a relationship that is full of deceit and makes you feel bad.

You should not be in this relationship any longer.
posted by craven_morhead at 8:14 AM on December 20, 2013 [4 favorites]

The fact that she continued to check the website that the two of you met on to 'see what the men were saying' to her is a huge red flag. If I found out that a man I was dating was still looking around, I'd dump him so fast his head would spin! There is no excuse for that, none whatsoever if she's in a committed relationship with you. It's completely disrespectful and it seems to me like if something 'better' came along in her eyes, she'd leap at the opportunity. Otherwise, why the heck would she still have an account on there?

I don't need to touch on anything else, that alone is grounds for dismissal. I would dump her immediately.
posted by OneHermit at 8:51 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Honestly, you're both being terrible in this relationship. Everything shitty she's done has been matched by something shitty you've done.

She lied about how many sexual partners she had before you? You passed judgment on "her number," insisted on knowing, snooped in her phone, and hounded and harassed her about it—10 times in three months?!

She stayed active on the dating site? You spied on her for three months, and only know that she logged in—you don't know what she's doing. And she also never claimed that she did deactivate her profile.

She kept sex photos on her cell phone from a past relationship? You justified snooping in her phone again (which you call "once"), this time not just text messages but deep into the photostream, and get upset about the sex and communication she was having with a past partner that you now feel resentful about not getting in your relationship.

But this—I feel those guys got all the non string attached sex they wanted and I am the nice guy who eventually wants to marry after all that steamy sex she had with other people in the past.— is all you. If this is the backwards, misogynistic way that you view women and sex, you are going to wind up with exactly what you've got.

Also, before you complain that you are "the nice guy," Google "Nice Guy (tm)".
posted by thebazilist at 10:04 AM on December 20, 2013 [19 favorites]

Just break up already.
posted by windykites at 10:34 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Your angry about her omissions, but have you ever come clean to her about how much you snoop around on her phone? If not, you are lying to her. If I were her, I would leave YOU.
posted by fireandthud at 10:42 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

There is really no dilemma here-hope for your sake you can see that now. Without honesty, loyalty etc no hope when it comes to a SO. Seems you dodged a bullet. Time to move on. All the best for next time. Someone better is waiting.
posted by claptrap at 10:44 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Nthing end this miserable mess, today. Find some courage, find some resolve, and end it. Permanently.
posted by mattu at 10:58 AM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Walk away. Too much of teh crazy between the two of you.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 2:42 PM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Neither of you like one another - why are you together?
posted by heyjude at 4:01 PM on December 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

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