Kill the Buzz Kill
November 29, 2013 3:09 PM Subscribe
I met a guy recently who has an amazing personality. He's incredibly playful and sweet, and he's a nerdy feisty intellectual. Precisely the type I like. I want to go on a few dates with him and see if there's anything there, but my interest in him is dwindling already because of a certain something, and this always happens to me. It's damn frustrating and I'd like to change it, but I don't even know precisely what 'it' is.
My problem with men is, I tend to lose all of my enthusiasm for them as soon as I see their flirtations with other women. That is, in the very beginning when my interest is piqued and I've just started talking to a guy who I think is worth looking over, I'll immediately lose interest if I see any flirtations taking place between him and other chicks. Whether it be in person, on Facebook or some other social networking profile, if I see that, my interest is just diminished and I start to ignore his texts/calls.
I know this is horribly childish of me, but I can't help it. It's like my happy hormones go from 60 to 0 as soon as I stumble upon any flirty energy between a prospect and another female.
I'm not the type to compare myself to other women or feel jealous, it's never about 'other females.' It's always about 'him' when this happens. I can only surmise that my problem has to do with my wanting men to drop everything and pursue me (childish). In the past, I've met guys who zeroed in on me and dropped all else to pursue me, and it felt great. However, predictably, those types always turn out to be duds- emotionally clingy or the types who leap into relationships and even marriages. Not the type I want.
Do any of you feel the same when you're single and dating? How do you guys feel when you really like a woman but the whole thing's in its infancy and you see her flirting with other guys? Does it just fuel your interest or does it kill the buzz? Ladies?
My problem with men is, I tend to lose all of my enthusiasm for them as soon as I see their flirtations with other women. That is, in the very beginning when my interest is piqued and I've just started talking to a guy who I think is worth looking over, I'll immediately lose interest if I see any flirtations taking place between him and other chicks. Whether it be in person, on Facebook or some other social networking profile, if I see that, my interest is just diminished and I start to ignore his texts/calls.
I know this is horribly childish of me, but I can't help it. It's like my happy hormones go from 60 to 0 as soon as I stumble upon any flirty energy between a prospect and another female.
I'm not the type to compare myself to other women or feel jealous, it's never about 'other females.' It's always about 'him' when this happens. I can only surmise that my problem has to do with my wanting men to drop everything and pursue me (childish). In the past, I've met guys who zeroed in on me and dropped all else to pursue me, and it felt great. However, predictably, those types always turn out to be duds- emotionally clingy or the types who leap into relationships and even marriages. Not the type I want.
Do any of you feel the same when you're single and dating? How do you guys feel when you really like a woman but the whole thing's in its infancy and you see her flirting with other guys? Does it just fuel your interest or does it kill the buzz? Ladies?
If you're dating someone, even early on, I see no reason why you should have to bear witness to him flirting with someone else. Even if you aren't exclusive, he shouldn't be flirting with anyone else while you're actually on a date together (that's rude, and anyone should take umbrage at it). Since you know this is such a big turn off for you, you should stop borrowing trouble by looking up your new flames on social networks.
I've found that as I get older I've gotten better at protecting myself by identifying behaviors of mine that lead to my own heartache (e.g. stalking my dates and SOs online) and cutting them off, rather than framing the problems as issues caused by my dates and SOs (because I have no control over their behavior).
posted by telegraph at 3:21 PM on November 29, 2013 [7 favorites]
I've found that as I get older I've gotten better at protecting myself by identifying behaviors of mine that lead to my own heartache (e.g. stalking my dates and SOs online) and cutting them off, rather than framing the problems as issues caused by my dates and SOs (because I have no control over their behavior).
posted by telegraph at 3:21 PM on November 29, 2013 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm speaking about the very beginning when you've only just met someone. When both parties are single and you've only just started talking/texting regularly, there's really no legitimate reason to be miffed if they flirt elsewhere. My problem is I just lose any interest I had if I do see that
posted by OneHermit at 3:26 PM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by OneHermit at 3:26 PM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
What are the non social-networking circumstances under which you are witnessing honest-to-goodness flirting between someone you are interested in? I mean it is generally hella unclassy for a dude to flirt in front of someone he is on a date (or whatever) with, so if this is a seriously chronic problem for you either you are misinterpreting friendly behavior (or flirty energy or whatever) for actual flirting, or you're dating dudes who always have a foot out the door and noticing them actively flirting with someone else in your presence is a pretty good way of knowing this dude does not particularly like you. At least in my social circle, you don't actively flirt with someone if you're out with someone else whom you are romantically interested in. It's absolutely shitty. Do you hang out in particularly closed social groups (i.e. the sort where everyone dates everyone eventually)?
Now, social networking? Cut that shit out. Just, seriously, stop tracking dudes down on social networking. I'm not saying that because I am judging you for being weird or stalk-y or whatever. I am saying that because I felt the same way about seeing others' social networking interaction when I was dating and it was the best thing I could do to not Google or friend or follow or whatever. Few good things can come of witnessing almost totally unfiltered social interaction between a person you like and people they already know. If you don't know the dynamics between two people, watching them interact casually just creates a giant blank canvas of assumptions onto which you paint your anxieties. Don't give yourself room to project; try as much as you can to limit your interaction with a person to actual interaction and not observation.
posted by griphus at 3:28 PM on November 29, 2013 [17 favorites]
Now, social networking? Cut that shit out. Just, seriously, stop tracking dudes down on social networking. I'm not saying that because I am judging you for being weird or stalk-y or whatever. I am saying that because I felt the same way about seeing others' social networking interaction when I was dating and it was the best thing I could do to not Google or friend or follow or whatever. Few good things can come of witnessing almost totally unfiltered social interaction between a person you like and people they already know. If you don't know the dynamics between two people, watching them interact casually just creates a giant blank canvas of assumptions onto which you paint your anxieties. Don't give yourself room to project; try as much as you can to limit your interaction with a person to actual interaction and not observation.
posted by griphus at 3:28 PM on November 29, 2013 [17 favorites]
Response by poster: Scratch any medium other than online, I've never been on a date with a guy who's blatantly flirted with someone else in front of me lol I don't attract hunters/players
posted by OneHermit at 3:31 PM on November 29, 2013
posted by OneHermit at 3:31 PM on November 29, 2013
Hmm, I'm with telegraph -- I think this is one of those "feature, not a bug" situations. A guy who would flirt with one love interest in front of another love interest (yes, even in the very early "pre- first date" flirting stage) is probably not a quality guy worth dating, and you should be grateful that it's a turn-off for you.
posted by Asparagus at 3:38 PM on November 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Asparagus at 3:38 PM on November 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
I'm the exact same way. On average, 1 out of 9 guys in a room (random number I'm pulling from my gut) would never flirt/create that energy with they're not dating so I'm working on landing myself that 1/9. It's worth it!
posted by kinoeye at 3:41 PM on November 29, 2013
posted by kinoeye at 3:41 PM on November 29, 2013
Power through it & go on those few dates even if your interest is currently dampened. You recognize and don't like this habit, so break the habit. If after a few dates, the actual getting to know him hasn't restarted your interest, then move on. It's not an unchangeable character trait, it's a conditioned response that you recognize & don't want to experience anymore. So consciously respond differently. You can do this.
posted by headnsouth at 3:49 PM on November 29, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 3:49 PM on November 29, 2013 [13 favorites]
Guys who flirt publicly with chicks online are a plain turn-off to me, whether they're also flirting with me or not. Assuming here that flirting means herping and derping over how cute she is, or using innuendo, or otherwise tripping over their fingers and tongues to try and attract her attention IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. Seriously, dude, get some dignity, or take it out back (IM), already.
So, you are not alone. But (and this is something I am working on, myself), I think eliminating guys based on that alone means possibly missing out on someone who could turn out to be a kick-ass partner, and who would drop the lame-ass public drooling and derping once he settled in with you.
posted by nacho fries at 3:51 PM on November 29, 2013 [8 favorites]
So, you are not alone. But (and this is something I am working on, myself), I think eliminating guys based on that alone means possibly missing out on someone who could turn out to be a kick-ass partner, and who would drop the lame-ass public drooling and derping once he settled in with you.
posted by nacho fries at 3:51 PM on November 29, 2013 [8 favorites]
Some people are attracted to the chase of a potential relationship initially, while some people are more attracted to the potential security that a relationship can provide. If you are more of the latter, perhaps flirting is something of a buzz killer, as it's antithetical to what attracts you.
I'm not sure how to reconcile this, except to reprogram a bit how you view the nature of flirting, and to double check that what you perceive as flirting really is flirting. If this isn't possible, the only other solution seems to be to not follow what potential relationships are doing online with others. A helpful reality check might be to understand that social media often allows for a type of banter between friends that comes across as more flirtatious than real life, and not always a good reflection of deeper interpersonal interaction.
posted by SpacemanStix at 4:41 PM on November 29, 2013
I'm not sure how to reconcile this, except to reprogram a bit how you view the nature of flirting, and to double check that what you perceive as flirting really is flirting. If this isn't possible, the only other solution seems to be to not follow what potential relationships are doing online with others. A helpful reality check might be to understand that social media often allows for a type of banter between friends that comes across as more flirtatious than real life, and not always a good reflection of deeper interpersonal interaction.
posted by SpacemanStix at 4:41 PM on November 29, 2013
since it's an "always" thing i'd lean towards the theory that you're misinterpreting a lot of non-flirting as flirting. if you acknowledge this you can start to check your feelings. you may not like being "the type" but i suspect that on some level you are jealous. sorry if you don't like it, but accepting that idea will help you get to a place where this isn't as much of an issue for you.
that said, even if you accept your premiss, i think it becomes unmanageable when you try to precisely define what is acceptable vs. not.
one trick that might work is imagine yourself clearly telling him what he's not allowed to do if he wants to date you. or, imagine him telling you if you want to date him you can't do X. "i can't do X?! i'm so offended! doing X doesn't mean i don't like you, and it's unreasonable for you to ask me not do X." then you can think "ohh, it's ok for him to do X too."
How do you guys feel when you really like a woman but the whole thing's in its infancy and you see her flirting with other guys?
if she was still giving me a lot of positive signals and the kind of attention i wanted, i wouldn't be phased by it.
posted by cupcake1337 at 4:41 PM on November 29, 2013 [6 favorites]
that said, even if you accept your premiss, i think it becomes unmanageable when you try to precisely define what is acceptable vs. not.
one trick that might work is imagine yourself clearly telling him what he's not allowed to do if he wants to date you. or, imagine him telling you if you want to date him you can't do X. "i can't do X?! i'm so offended! doing X doesn't mean i don't like you, and it's unreasonable for you to ask me not do X." then you can think "ohh, it's ok for him to do X too."
How do you guys feel when you really like a woman but the whole thing's in its infancy and you see her flirting with other guys?
if she was still giving me a lot of positive signals and the kind of attention i wanted, i wouldn't be phased by it.
posted by cupcake1337 at 4:41 PM on November 29, 2013 [6 favorites]
This used to bother me a helluva lot. So I married a kind of aspie-ish guy who just did not do this. He also was not emotionally demonstrative, did not compliment me, was highly critical with a talent for making me feel hideous, and routinely turned me down for 17 years if I tried to initiate sex. We are now divorced. I am not looking to get with another man like that.
During my divorce, I had a series of relationships that wouldn't be my norm. I learned a lot about myself and grew a lot. I still don't like seeing this in a man I am attracted to but it isn't automatically some big issue. These days, I am more able to objectively assess the situation and decide if it is something to be concerned about or not.
One thing I have noticed is that when online, people will be more flirty and emotionally warm towards someone who lives a zillion miles away where the odds seem extremely low that it could lead to something. It feels low risk and usually the flirty/attracted feeling is real but there is no serious intent behind it. For some of them, it is a means to start learning to express themselves under circumstances which feel non-threatening. It may lead to the individual getting more of a love life but probably not with their online very long distance "test case."
If I see that someone I like is being flirty online and it seems the odds are really poor that the flirtation will go anywhere, I don't get all up in arms about it. I view it as somewhat escapist or like virtual relationship practice. And I remind myself that I don't yet have some kind of claim. If I get some kind of claim on them, then it will be appropriate to say "Please stop that. It really bothers me." Until then, they are free to talk to whatever woman they want, however they want.
Also, I constantly remind myself that what I am seeing is probably just some tiny slice of their interaction. It might look and sound completely different if I get to know more about them. For example, it may turn out he was being warm in a fatherly way because he sees her as too young for him and I just misread it. Every romantic comedy seems to have some sort of terrible misunderstanding along those lines. I try to reserve judgement and stay aware that my view is likely to change as I get to know a man better.
posted by Michele in California at 5:06 PM on November 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
During my divorce, I had a series of relationships that wouldn't be my norm. I learned a lot about myself and grew a lot. I still don't like seeing this in a man I am attracted to but it isn't automatically some big issue. These days, I am more able to objectively assess the situation and decide if it is something to be concerned about or not.
One thing I have noticed is that when online, people will be more flirty and emotionally warm towards someone who lives a zillion miles away where the odds seem extremely low that it could lead to something. It feels low risk and usually the flirty/attracted feeling is real but there is no serious intent behind it. For some of them, it is a means to start learning to express themselves under circumstances which feel non-threatening. It may lead to the individual getting more of a love life but probably not with their online very long distance "test case."
If I see that someone I like is being flirty online and it seems the odds are really poor that the flirtation will go anywhere, I don't get all up in arms about it. I view it as somewhat escapist or like virtual relationship practice. And I remind myself that I don't yet have some kind of claim. If I get some kind of claim on them, then it will be appropriate to say "Please stop that. It really bothers me." Until then, they are free to talk to whatever woman they want, however they want.
Also, I constantly remind myself that what I am seeing is probably just some tiny slice of their interaction. It might look and sound completely different if I get to know more about them. For example, it may turn out he was being warm in a fatherly way because he sees her as too young for him and I just misread it. Every romantic comedy seems to have some sort of terrible misunderstanding along those lines. I try to reserve judgement and stay aware that my view is likely to change as I get to know a man better.
posted by Michele in California at 5:06 PM on November 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
One thing to consider as well is that there are different types of flirting and different ways to react to them; there's a big difference between obvious compliments about appearance/trying to hook up with someone and just sort of pleasant and chatty interactions in a slightly flirtatious way. My husband flirts with my friends a lot but in a way that is very, very friendly and innocent and basically just banter and it's fine and everyone's okay with it, but if he ever hit on them in any way, it would really, really upset me.
Your feelings are your feelings and if this bothers you that's absolutely valid, but it might be worth looking at the actual interactions these men are having and seeing whether it's what might be considered "harmless flirting" or whether they are being inappropriate and see whether that changes your reactions at all.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 5:12 PM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Your feelings are your feelings and if this bothers you that's absolutely valid, but it might be worth looking at the actual interactions these men are having and seeing whether it's what might be considered "harmless flirting" or whether they are being inappropriate and see whether that changes your reactions at all.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 5:12 PM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @ cupcake,
Jealousy involves feeling inadequate or coveting what someone else has, and that is not the case here. I don't feel threatened by this sort of behavior, nor does it make me feel competitive. It simply puts the flame out. As if I have some sort of storybook idea of how courtships should go, "when it's right, once he becomes aware of you he will immediately forsake all others" kind of nonsense. Again, I can't really put my finger on it but it's definitely not jealousy.
posted by OneHermit at 5:15 PM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Jealousy involves feeling inadequate or coveting what someone else has, and that is not the case here. I don't feel threatened by this sort of behavior, nor does it make me feel competitive. It simply puts the flame out. As if I have some sort of storybook idea of how courtships should go, "when it's right, once he becomes aware of you he will immediately forsake all others" kind of nonsense. Again, I can't really put my finger on it but it's definitely not jealousy.
posted by OneHermit at 5:15 PM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I can only surmise that my problem has to do with my wanting men to drop everything and pursue me
I suggest that you focus on yourself. Don't look at these guys on Facebook. Don't check their Twitter feeds. Just do you - be busy. Take it slow with these men, and make sure that you are spending time on yourself and the things you like. Pick up a new hobby or two. Yoga, knitting, pottery, reading... do what you like with your free time and focus on what the men you're dating are doing when you two are together, but not when you're apart.
I suspect that you will have this problem less if you're not focusing so much on the guy you're dating.
posted by k8lin at 5:32 PM on November 29, 2013
I suggest that you focus on yourself. Don't look at these guys on Facebook. Don't check their Twitter feeds. Just do you - be busy. Take it slow with these men, and make sure that you are spending time on yourself and the things you like. Pick up a new hobby or two. Yoga, knitting, pottery, reading... do what you like with your free time and focus on what the men you're dating are doing when you two are together, but not when you're apart.
I suspect that you will have this problem less if you're not focusing so much on the guy you're dating.
posted by k8lin at 5:32 PM on November 29, 2013
As if I have some sort of storybook idea of how courtships should go, "when it's right, once he becomes aware of you he will immediately forsake all others" kind of nonsense. Again, I can't really put my finger on it but it's definitely not jealousy.
Having read your update, what this sounds like to me is a style of relationship based on culture/media and the idea that if someone isn't into you right away it's not worth it, or like your value is diminished if you are not loved/chased like someone in a romantic comedy. The idea that someone should "immediately forsake all others" sounds like something from a movie in which a woman is pursued, possibly reluctantly, by someone who knows that she is the One and does romantic stuff to overcome her objections because he just Loves Her So Damn Much and if you've been absorbing this idea for years it can feel really powerful and be kind of uncomfortable if real life doesn't match up properly. It can seem like you're "doing it wrong" or like you're not desirable enough to have love or suitors like other people (and this is not true! I am sure you are great! No one has people follow them around like that, hopefully, because it's pretty creepy!). It seems possible that this is where the not-jealousy discomfort comes from, that you're not jealous of another person but rather wistful for an idea of romance that isn't necessarily accurate.
I may be way off-base here, but if that sounds familiar to you maybe something that would help is reminding yourself how unhealthy (and boring!) that would be -- it looks great in movies, but in real life you want an actual, three-dimensional person with real interests and the ability to have legitimate human interactions with people who aren't you. Someone with experience or knowledge of like cognitive behavioral techniques or something could be helpful with that (maybe? I think?) but possibly just reminding yourself that you want a relationship with a real person and looking at it that way would be helpful.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 5:41 PM on November 29, 2013 [8 favorites]
Having read your update, what this sounds like to me is a style of relationship based on culture/media and the idea that if someone isn't into you right away it's not worth it, or like your value is diminished if you are not loved/chased like someone in a romantic comedy. The idea that someone should "immediately forsake all others" sounds like something from a movie in which a woman is pursued, possibly reluctantly, by someone who knows that she is the One and does romantic stuff to overcome her objections because he just Loves Her So Damn Much and if you've been absorbing this idea for years it can feel really powerful and be kind of uncomfortable if real life doesn't match up properly. It can seem like you're "doing it wrong" or like you're not desirable enough to have love or suitors like other people (and this is not true! I am sure you are great! No one has people follow them around like that, hopefully, because it's pretty creepy!). It seems possible that this is where the not-jealousy discomfort comes from, that you're not jealous of another person but rather wistful for an idea of romance that isn't necessarily accurate.
I may be way off-base here, but if that sounds familiar to you maybe something that would help is reminding yourself how unhealthy (and boring!) that would be -- it looks great in movies, but in real life you want an actual, three-dimensional person with real interests and the ability to have legitimate human interactions with people who aren't you. Someone with experience or knowledge of like cognitive behavioral techniques or something could be helpful with that (maybe? I think?) but possibly just reminding yourself that you want a relationship with a real person and looking at it that way would be helpful.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 5:41 PM on November 29, 2013 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I don't know, I think it's normal and smart to lose interest in overly flirtatious guys. In my experience, these guys usually have some kind of massive insecurity. And, also in my experience, when you really don't care that they flirt (and you flirt a little on the side yourself), they get upset and intimidated and try to passive aggressively make you feel as insecure as they do with little slights.
It's lame and a waste of time and energy to even bother with guys like that. Just explaining it exhausts me.
Also, lots of guys don't need to flirt with all women, especially in front of the woman they're supposedly interested in. It's disrespectful to flirt in front of you. You wouldn't flirt in front of him, would you?
Trust your own instincts in the dating game.
posted by discopolo at 5:58 PM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
It's lame and a waste of time and energy to even bother with guys like that. Just explaining it exhausts me.
Also, lots of guys don't need to flirt with all women, especially in front of the woman they're supposedly interested in. It's disrespectful to flirt in front of you. You wouldn't flirt in front of him, would you?
Trust your own instincts in the dating game.
posted by discopolo at 5:58 PM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Also, I agree it's not jealousy. I know that feeling, I think. For me, it's an immediate turn-off, like the attraction is totally broken. I immediately want to start looking for a new guy to be interested in.
posted by discopolo at 6:06 PM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 6:06 PM on November 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
There's actually a good explanation for feeling this way in What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the science of female desire by Daniel Bergner. I think it would help you see the validity of your emotions, while still deciding what, if any, of your actions you would like to change.
posted by Margalo Epps at 7:18 PM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Margalo Epps at 7:18 PM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
I've felt like that before as well.
Whenever I get wind of the fact that a person I'm interested in has a girlfriend or likes someone else (or if I see them flirting), my attraction for him goes back to zero. Maybe it's out of respect for the other lady?
Could it also be that you subconsciously think, "Hey, look, he's flirting with that other lady. They seem to be a better match, so I'll let them be." Maybe it feels like they and everyone else sees that these two are a good match, so how can you continue to want him and come between them? This might be a potential new relationship right here! It feels like maybe you're not nearly as good a match as these other two are.
Consciously, it feels like the flame got extinguished.
If this is what you're thinking (and the guy is single), then consider that it's extremely probable that you're the better match for him. You'd only be able to find out after a few dates anyway, like headnsouth says.
posted by rozaine at 7:35 PM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Whenever I get wind of the fact that a person I'm interested in has a girlfriend or likes someone else (or if I see them flirting), my attraction for him goes back to zero. Maybe it's out of respect for the other lady?
Could it also be that you subconsciously think, "Hey, look, he's flirting with that other lady. They seem to be a better match, so I'll let them be." Maybe it feels like they and everyone else sees that these two are a good match, so how can you continue to want him and come between them? This might be a potential new relationship right here! It feels like maybe you're not nearly as good a match as these other two are.
Consciously, it feels like the flame got extinguished.
If this is what you're thinking (and the guy is single), then consider that it's extremely probable that you're the better match for him. You'd only be able to find out after a few dates anyway, like headnsouth says.
posted by rozaine at 7:35 PM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: There are plenty of guys who don't flirt with anyone ever. They tend to be very sweet, wonderful companions who are an excellent investment of time; you never would have to worry about the fidelity of someone like this.
Is it possible you could be happy with a shy, geeky guy? If so, you are very lucky.
If it doesn't work out with this one, don't give up. Your hard-wired response to avoid the flirty (though they have advantages too -- they are probably a lot of fun, and won't depend on you as much to initiate everything) is a reasonable survival trait, and probably served some of your female ancestors well.
posted by amtho at 9:09 PM on November 29, 2013 [6 favorites]
Is it possible you could be happy with a shy, geeky guy? If so, you are very lucky.
If it doesn't work out with this one, don't give up. Your hard-wired response to avoid the flirty (though they have advantages too -- they are probably a lot of fun, and won't depend on you as much to initiate everything) is a reasonable survival trait, and probably served some of your female ancestors well.
posted by amtho at 9:09 PM on November 29, 2013 [6 favorites]
"It's like my happy hormones go from 60 to 0 as soon as I stumble upon any flirty energy between a prospect and another female."
Amen! Hetero, married woman here to say I relate to your sentiment 100% (that is, I related to it back in the day when I was dating men, before I met and married my DH). It was my inner ape warning me: "this man's obvious interest in other eligible women, which he's demonstrating right in front of me, is his way of saying he will never be willing to provide food and shelter to me and my children."
Or, exactly what @amtho just said about this being "a reasonable survival trait, and probably served some of your female ancestors well." Nothing odd about that at all - in fact, it would be odder if a woman completely ignored that kind of behavior.
Now, you've got to temper your spot-on, knee-jerk instinct to disqualify a man on that basis against what you are seeing him do in real life/in person (a valid basis) vs. what he's typing on social media (a possibly invalid basis). Two completely different arenas, IMHO.
posted by hush at 9:40 PM on November 29, 2013
Amen! Hetero, married woman here to say I relate to your sentiment 100% (that is, I related to it back in the day when I was dating men, before I met and married my DH). It was my inner ape warning me: "this man's obvious interest in other eligible women, which he's demonstrating right in front of me, is his way of saying he will never be willing to provide food and shelter to me and my children."
Or, exactly what @amtho just said about this being "a reasonable survival trait, and probably served some of your female ancestors well." Nothing odd about that at all - in fact, it would be odder if a woman completely ignored that kind of behavior.
Now, you've got to temper your spot-on, knee-jerk instinct to disqualify a man on that basis against what you are seeing him do in real life/in person (a valid basis) vs. what he's typing on social media (a possibly invalid basis). Two completely different arenas, IMHO.
posted by hush at 9:40 PM on November 29, 2013
I'm curious about the type of behavior you are seeing as flirtatious. I am probably more likely to be perceived as flirting when I am talking to a good friend, because I am comfortable and jokey.
I might tease good friends who share my sense of humor, or they might tease me. There have been times when I worried that someone new I was interested in might misconstrue the situation, but it was too soon to say "Oh, that's Bob, great guy, I worked with him for years. We are not interested in dating, we just have this running joke about his shoes."
So without knowing more about exactly what kind of flirtatious behavior you're seeing, I have no idea whether this a feature or a bug.
It's also not clear how much of a cramp this is putting in your dating life.
Anyway, power through a couple of dates as suggested above. If you still aren't interested after getting to know them, then let it go.
posted by bunderful at 6:06 AM on November 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
I might tease good friends who share my sense of humor, or they might tease me. There have been times when I worried that someone new I was interested in might misconstrue the situation, but it was too soon to say "Oh, that's Bob, great guy, I worked with him for years. We are not interested in dating, we just have this running joke about his shoes."
So without knowing more about exactly what kind of flirtatious behavior you're seeing, I have no idea whether this a feature or a bug.
It's also not clear how much of a cramp this is putting in your dating life.
Anyway, power through a couple of dates as suggested above. If you still aren't interested after getting to know them, then let it go.
posted by bunderful at 6:06 AM on November 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
in the very beginning when my interest is piqued and I've just started talking to a guy who I think is worth looking over, I'll immediately lose interest if I see any flirtations taking place between him and other chicks. Whether it be in person, on Facebook or some other social networking profile, if I see that, my interest is just diminished and I start to ignore his texts/calls.
and...
In the past, I've met guys who zeroed in on me and dropped all else to pursue me, and it felt great. However, predictably, those types always turn out to be duds- emotionally clingy or the types who leap into relationships and even marriages. Not the type I want.
So, if I'm reading you right, you're immediately turned off when you're just talking to a guy, not even dating him, just in the "getting to know you" stage, if they have any kind of flirtatious interaction with any other woman. You want the opposite of that. But... you've HAD the opposite of that, and you didn't like it.
I'm also very curious as to what you're defining as "flirtatious interaction" that you're observing. Personally, I feel that there's a tremendous gulf between the slobbering all over themselves, openly gawking at another woman kind of behavior that some posters have described as a turnoff, and a simple friendly conversation punctuated by a winky smiley face online. I can understand being turned off by the former, but the latter? That's harder to understand, since I know a guy who uses the winky smiley face with all kinds of people, from me to his best friend's wife to his own mom and sister and female cousins.
To be honest, I'm wondering if there's some low self-esteem issues in the mix here. It sounds like you're saying that you really only like a guy if he makes you the center of his world, even though you've found out through experience that a relationship that begins that way often turns out to be very disappointing. I've definitely felt like that about relationships, and looking back on those times in my life, I remember feeling like I wasn't very loveable or worthy of being in the kind of relationships I saw modeled for me in popular media (much like Mrs. Pterodactyl was talking about), and when someone came along who showed the kind of interest in me that I had seen continually modeled as the "right" kind of interest, it made me feel good. I felt worthy of that kind of attention, not because I valued myself, but because someone else was assigning value to me by zeroing in on me and pursuing me so ardently. It didn't occur to me until after a few go-rounds with that kind of guy, that having someone pursue me that hard doesn't necessarily mean that they're seeing something amazing in me. More often than not it indicates some emotional unhealthiness of their own. They're fast forwarders.
posted by palomar at 1:20 PM on November 30, 2013 [5 favorites]
and...
In the past, I've met guys who zeroed in on me and dropped all else to pursue me, and it felt great. However, predictably, those types always turn out to be duds- emotionally clingy or the types who leap into relationships and even marriages. Not the type I want.
So, if I'm reading you right, you're immediately turned off when you're just talking to a guy, not even dating him, just in the "getting to know you" stage, if they have any kind of flirtatious interaction with any other woman. You want the opposite of that. But... you've HAD the opposite of that, and you didn't like it.
I'm also very curious as to what you're defining as "flirtatious interaction" that you're observing. Personally, I feel that there's a tremendous gulf between the slobbering all over themselves, openly gawking at another woman kind of behavior that some posters have described as a turnoff, and a simple friendly conversation punctuated by a winky smiley face online. I can understand being turned off by the former, but the latter? That's harder to understand, since I know a guy who uses the winky smiley face with all kinds of people, from me to his best friend's wife to his own mom and sister and female cousins.
To be honest, I'm wondering if there's some low self-esteem issues in the mix here. It sounds like you're saying that you really only like a guy if he makes you the center of his world, even though you've found out through experience that a relationship that begins that way often turns out to be very disappointing. I've definitely felt like that about relationships, and looking back on those times in my life, I remember feeling like I wasn't very loveable or worthy of being in the kind of relationships I saw modeled for me in popular media (much like Mrs. Pterodactyl was talking about), and when someone came along who showed the kind of interest in me that I had seen continually modeled as the "right" kind of interest, it made me feel good. I felt worthy of that kind of attention, not because I valued myself, but because someone else was assigning value to me by zeroing in on me and pursuing me so ardently. It didn't occur to me until after a few go-rounds with that kind of guy, that having someone pursue me that hard doesn't necessarily mean that they're seeing something amazing in me. More often than not it indicates some emotional unhealthiness of their own. They're fast forwarders.
posted by palomar at 1:20 PM on November 30, 2013 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for your input everyone. I've come to the realization that I never felt this way with my ex, and he had plenty of social networking nonsense going on. He never, ever flirted around like a desperate little pixie craving hits of validation from so many women at once. So I think the answer is, men like this are pretty desperate for attention and probably horribly insecure. I think I'll opt out of letting him take me out. Thanks again.
posted by OneHermit at 1:57 PM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by OneHermit at 1:57 PM on November 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
Agree with those who say it's a feature, not a bug. There are plenty of awesome guys who don't desperately seek validation this way.
posted by 3491again at 5:46 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by 3491again at 5:46 PM on November 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
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If this is something that "always" happens to you, I would try to step back and determine which category your guy is in. Is there a chance you're perceiving innocent interactions as flirty? I know I've been guilty of that. And when I stopped falling into the trap of freaking out about those interactions, I felt significantly calmer about the budding relationship. You can't change what other people do but you can change how you respond.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 3:21 PM on November 29, 2013 [10 favorites]