Everyone IS hanging out without me!
November 21, 2013 10:18 AM Subscribe
Like it says in the title: everyone is hanging out without me. How do I get back into my group, or should I not even try?
There's no way not to sound like a petulant adolescent while asking this question, so I'm just going to state at the outset that I'm actually in my 30s, as are pretty much all of the people involved, and you'll have to take my word for it.
Over the past six years, I have had a small number of pretty close friends from different time periods in my life (schools, jobs, etc.). Gradually, I introduced them to one another, and we formed a nice little group of 5 or 6 hangout folks. Hooray! So much fun.
Over the past six months though, we haven't hung out much. Over the past 3 months, not at all. Not once. I thought, well, X has that crazy new job, Y has grad school, Z has that new boyfriend...everyone's just too busy to hang.
Only it turns out, they're not. One night I got a text from friend X saying "hey, do you have Y's number? i am running late for the pub crawl with her and Z and Q and need to tell her." I had never heard anything about a pub crawl. And was not, by the way, invited, even after I texted back the number. Glutton for punishment that I am, I then did a little facebook stalking (dun dun dun), where I realized from pictures and posts that they all hang out together all the time. And I'm never invited.
It's like I built my very own No Homers Club, but I'm Homer.
At this point I'm thinking of organizing some kind of holiday drinks, hoping they will come, and maybe trying to re-integrate myself from there. Is this dumb? Should I just take the hint? The dignified lady in me says to slink away into the night and lick my wounds. But the totally undignified former perpetually-bullied-and-excluded nerdface kind of wants to figure out how she can get cool again and be part of the Superfriends Club. Thoughts, MeFites?
There's no way not to sound like a petulant adolescent while asking this question, so I'm just going to state at the outset that I'm actually in my 30s, as are pretty much all of the people involved, and you'll have to take my word for it.
Over the past six years, I have had a small number of pretty close friends from different time periods in my life (schools, jobs, etc.). Gradually, I introduced them to one another, and we formed a nice little group of 5 or 6 hangout folks. Hooray! So much fun.
Over the past six months though, we haven't hung out much. Over the past 3 months, not at all. Not once. I thought, well, X has that crazy new job, Y has grad school, Z has that new boyfriend...everyone's just too busy to hang.
Only it turns out, they're not. One night I got a text from friend X saying "hey, do you have Y's number? i am running late for the pub crawl with her and Z and Q and need to tell her." I had never heard anything about a pub crawl. And was not, by the way, invited, even after I texted back the number. Glutton for punishment that I am, I then did a little facebook stalking (dun dun dun), where I realized from pictures and posts that they all hang out together all the time. And I'm never invited.
It's like I built my very own No Homers Club, but I'm Homer.
At this point I'm thinking of organizing some kind of holiday drinks, hoping they will come, and maybe trying to re-integrate myself from there. Is this dumb? Should I just take the hint? The dignified lady in me says to slink away into the night and lick my wounds. But the totally undignified former perpetually-bullied-and-excluded nerdface kind of wants to figure out how she can get cool again and be part of the Superfriends Club. Thoughts, MeFites?
Missing piece of information: Over that past 6 months where you rarely to never saw them, how many times did you invite them to things and they turn you down? If you were regularly asking them to things and they couldn't do it, this may be a different situation to if you also not once invited any of them to anything in that time frame.
posted by brainmouse at 10:22 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 10:22 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Oh, crap. I was going to add that paragraph and spaced. Thanks, PuppetMcSockerson.
Yes, I've been inviting them, individually and as a whole, to things here and there, and at those times I've managed to get one person to meet up for dinner, and a different person to come for a volunteer thing (it was fun! I swear!) It hasn't felt so urgent because three of the people involved are SuperPlanners. Like, they regularly throw huge parties and organize events. And apparently still do, though I thought they had just stopped.
I think most recently was about 2 weeks ago--put out feelers for a group dinner, emails went back and forth on which dates were best, and no resolution was ever achieved.
posted by like_a_friend at 10:24 AM on November 21, 2013
Yes, I've been inviting them, individually and as a whole, to things here and there, and at those times I've managed to get one person to meet up for dinner, and a different person to come for a volunteer thing (it was fun! I swear!) It hasn't felt so urgent because three of the people involved are SuperPlanners. Like, they regularly throw huge parties and organize events. And apparently still do, though I thought they had just stopped.
I think most recently was about 2 weeks ago--put out feelers for a group dinner, emails went back and forth on which dates were best, and no resolution was ever achieved.
posted by like_a_friend at 10:24 AM on November 21, 2013
Maybe you should ask them (or just one of them who is the most likely to be nice and honest) if there is anything up. If they deny excluding you and say it was all a misunderstanding, great! Either they start inviting you to things again, or they don't. If they don't try to involve you more after your asking them about it then I think it would be safe to assume that yes, they have moved on from their friendship with you and that you should start seeking out a new group of friends.
And honestly, what have you been doing for the past six months? Surely you have been keeping yourself busy with SOMETHING in that time? Another group of friends? A busy job?
Also, in terms of your sending out feelers for dinner two weeks ago, this is a crazy ass busy season for a lot of people. A lot of family times and office parties and a lot of people's jobs get extra nuts around the holidays. It may not be that your hangout suggestion was rejected because of YOU. It may just be that it is a legitimately busy time and they didn't have time. I have close friends that I haven't been able to hang out with for over 2 months, not because we're fighting or avoiding each other. We both just have busy lives and our schedules don't lineup. We have to book hangouts months in advance.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:27 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
And honestly, what have you been doing for the past six months? Surely you have been keeping yourself busy with SOMETHING in that time? Another group of friends? A busy job?
Also, in terms of your sending out feelers for dinner two weeks ago, this is a crazy ass busy season for a lot of people. A lot of family times and office parties and a lot of people's jobs get extra nuts around the holidays. It may not be that your hangout suggestion was rejected because of YOU. It may just be that it is a legitimately busy time and they didn't have time. I have close friends that I haven't been able to hang out with for over 2 months, not because we're fighting or avoiding each other. We both just have busy lives and our schedules don't lineup. We have to book hangouts months in advance.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:27 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'd ask each one of them why you're not being invited to group stuff any more. "Hey, I heard you organized a pub crawl. Was there a reason I wasn't invited? If I've done something wrong I want to make amends because I really enjoy your company."
On the surface, I'd think it was because you're too busy with other things.
Finding stuff out on Facebook is pretty straightforward. They post, you read and comment. That you had to GO to Facebook to "stalk" them, suggests to me that you're not online that much. A LOT of stuff is planned via text. If you're not available via text, on Facebook, Instagram or social media in general then you're not going to get those invites.
Off Facebook, out of mind, so to speak.
But an honest effort to understand, and more effort on your part to be available.
And yes, do organize something with the gang, perhaps a caroling party or Carol-oke or something.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:34 AM on November 21, 2013 [6 favorites]
On the surface, I'd think it was because you're too busy with other things.
Finding stuff out on Facebook is pretty straightforward. They post, you read and comment. That you had to GO to Facebook to "stalk" them, suggests to me that you're not online that much. A LOT of stuff is planned via text. If you're not available via text, on Facebook, Instagram or social media in general then you're not going to get those invites.
Off Facebook, out of mind, so to speak.
But an honest effort to understand, and more effort on your part to be available.
And yes, do organize something with the gang, perhaps a caroling party or Carol-oke or something.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:34 AM on November 21, 2013 [6 favorites]
Are they geographically closer to each other than they are to you?
I'm in NYC, and I have a cluster of friends who live up in Queens and another cluster that's right near me in Brooklyn. I love my Queens friends, and I know they care about me, but they often semi-spontaneously hang out with each other or grab dinner together, and I am never invited to these gatherings. Which makes sense to me -- it's a 3-hour round trip to get up there. I'm just not in "casual spontaneous hangout" range.
Same goes for me and the friends who live near where I am. I don't not like my friends who are farther away, I just don't see a point in inviting them to get casual dinner with no notice on a Wednesday.
Alternatively: do you have different work schedules? They have kids and you don't, or vice versa? Are they also connected professionally in a way that you aren't?
This kind of situation is so, so hard because without being intimately involved with the group, it's hard for an outsider to even know where to start when it comes to advice. There are just so many factors involved.
Regardless, if you can't figure out a relatively pain-free plan of action based on the answers in this thread, PLEASE try not to let it eat you up too much. At the end of the day, if they just don't want to hang out with you for whatever reason, it's better for you and your happiness to steer clear of that. If simple, straightforward actions on your part aren't enough to smooth things over, then this is a situation that you might be better off avoiding.
I say this from EXTENSIVE personal experience. :/
posted by Narrative Priorities at 10:38 AM on November 21, 2013 [6 favorites]
I'm in NYC, and I have a cluster of friends who live up in Queens and another cluster that's right near me in Brooklyn. I love my Queens friends, and I know they care about me, but they often semi-spontaneously hang out with each other or grab dinner together, and I am never invited to these gatherings. Which makes sense to me -- it's a 3-hour round trip to get up there. I'm just not in "casual spontaneous hangout" range.
Same goes for me and the friends who live near where I am. I don't not like my friends who are farther away, I just don't see a point in inviting them to get casual dinner with no notice on a Wednesday.
Alternatively: do you have different work schedules? They have kids and you don't, or vice versa? Are they also connected professionally in a way that you aren't?
This kind of situation is so, so hard because without being intimately involved with the group, it's hard for an outsider to even know where to start when it comes to advice. There are just so many factors involved.
Regardless, if you can't figure out a relatively pain-free plan of action based on the answers in this thread, PLEASE try not to let it eat you up too much. At the end of the day, if they just don't want to hang out with you for whatever reason, it's better for you and your happiness to steer clear of that. If simple, straightforward actions on your part aren't enough to smooth things over, then this is a situation that you might be better off avoiding.
I say this from EXTENSIVE personal experience. :/
posted by Narrative Priorities at 10:38 AM on November 21, 2013 [6 favorites]
Since friend X asked you for Y's number in that context, it seems like your friends aren't trying to keep it top-secret that they're hanging out without you, so maybe there's a benign reason (like distance, as Narrative Priorities suggests). I would ask X about it--specifically X, since they're the one who mentioned to you that they were on their way to hang out with the rest of this group.
posted by snorkmaiden at 10:47 AM on November 21, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by snorkmaiden at 10:47 AM on November 21, 2013 [10 favorites]
I can't see any benevolent read to this unless they think you're too busy. They have fun hanging out together without you.
Maybe reconnect with them individually? If not, maybe it's time to find a new group of friends.
posted by discopolo at 10:49 AM on November 21, 2013
Maybe reconnect with them individually? If not, maybe it's time to find a new group of friends.
posted by discopolo at 10:49 AM on November 21, 2013
Pick the one or two you really miss and try to get back into their lives. If you manage that, the rest will probably follow.
However, maybe you also need to wonder why they cooled to you in the first place. If a bunch of people all gave up on you, it's probably you, not them.
posted by pracowity at 10:52 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
However, maybe you also need to wonder why they cooled to you in the first place. If a bunch of people all gave up on you, it's probably you, not them.
posted by pracowity at 10:52 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: For the record:
-I'm on all the social media sites, and communicate 99% through text as well. Though Facebook's news feed metric, for whatever reason, always shows me a tiny fraction of posts from a tiny fraction of people. (I'm not being blocked, if I go to someone's page I can see dozens of posts that just never appeared in my feed.)
-We all live about 6 blocks from each other, and all work in wildly different locales. (That is, it's not like they all work in the same area and hang after work, while I work far away.)
-No kids or spouses for anyone involved
-None of them work together or even in the same fields.
-I am definitely doing some internal work on how I may have put them off. The odd thing is that I felt like over the past year, I became MUCH easier and more fun to be around. But maybe what I think is "happy" and "fun" is actually somehow "insufferable dickbag."
posted by like_a_friend at 11:04 AM on November 21, 2013
-I'm on all the social media sites, and communicate 99% through text as well. Though Facebook's news feed metric, for whatever reason, always shows me a tiny fraction of posts from a tiny fraction of people. (I'm not being blocked, if I go to someone's page I can see dozens of posts that just never appeared in my feed.)
-We all live about 6 blocks from each other, and all work in wildly different locales. (That is, it's not like they all work in the same area and hang after work, while I work far away.)
-No kids or spouses for anyone involved
-None of them work together or even in the same fields.
-I am definitely doing some internal work on how I may have put them off. The odd thing is that I felt like over the past year, I became MUCH easier and more fun to be around. But maybe what I think is "happy" and "fun" is actually somehow "insufferable dickbag."
posted by like_a_friend at 11:04 AM on November 21, 2013
I like what other people are saying about ways this might actually not be personal toward you. The fact that you've been buddies with the group for several years does support this interpretation.
Asking "why don't you guys like me anymore" is a loser's question, you will look bad just for asking it, and it's unlikely you'll get a straight answer if there is something weird going on.
I wouldn't do the holiday drinks thing because it would be too upsetting if people didn't come--even if they didn't come for reasons having nothing to do with you, it would be very hard to not take it personally at this point.
I do agree with the idea of connecting with particular people individually, instead of organizing something with the whole group. I'd try that for a while and see what happened.
Good luck.
posted by mattu at 11:04 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Asking "why don't you guys like me anymore" is a loser's question, you will look bad just for asking it, and it's unlikely you'll get a straight answer if there is something weird going on.
I wouldn't do the holiday drinks thing because it would be too upsetting if people didn't come--even if they didn't come for reasons having nothing to do with you, it would be very hard to not take it personally at this point.
I do agree with the idea of connecting with particular people individually, instead of organizing something with the whole group. I'd try that for a while and see what happened.
Good luck.
posted by mattu at 11:04 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: This sucks.
What I would probably do in this situation is try to connect directly with the one person you know best/are closest with in the group, and be honest about the situation. Not in a "WHHHHHHHYYYY MEEEEE?" sort of way, but rather trying to figure out if you've done something to upset people or what the situation is. The fact that you mention that maybe you come off as an "insufferable dickbag" is a bit of a red flag for me...are you doing stuff that you think maybe makes you come off that way to people? If so, that's a very different situation than people randomly bullying you for sport (possible, but if you were previously friends with all these folks, it would be odd).
So, I would phrase things as such:
Hey, this is a little awkward but I noticed that we haven't hung out as a group much in the past several months, and X texted me about a group hangout the other night that I wasn't invited to. If it's just a matter of schedules, randomness, etc. that's fine but makes me kind of sad because I love hanging out with you folks. But, I do want to make sure that I haven't done something to piss anyone off or make them uncomfortable -- if that's the case, I would really like the chance to address it and make amends.
Definitely do not mention the FB stalking, that will take things into whiny adolescent land real fast.
Then...see what happens. The worst case scenario is that your friend gives you no information and you STILL don't get invited to events, which...is the situation you're already in. Best case scenario is that it's sort of random oversight (which then gets corrected) or you find out about some behavior/incident that you can potentially change in the future or work through with whichever person(s) is having the problem. Or, it's some ridiculous reason that you can't/don't want to change and you can wash your hands of these people because they are ridiculous.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:27 AM on November 21, 2013 [16 favorites]
What I would probably do in this situation is try to connect directly with the one person you know best/are closest with in the group, and be honest about the situation. Not in a "WHHHHHHHYYYY MEEEEE?" sort of way, but rather trying to figure out if you've done something to upset people or what the situation is. The fact that you mention that maybe you come off as an "insufferable dickbag" is a bit of a red flag for me...are you doing stuff that you think maybe makes you come off that way to people? If so, that's a very different situation than people randomly bullying you for sport (possible, but if you were previously friends with all these folks, it would be odd).
So, I would phrase things as such:
Hey, this is a little awkward but I noticed that we haven't hung out as a group much in the past several months, and X texted me about a group hangout the other night that I wasn't invited to. If it's just a matter of schedules, randomness, etc. that's fine but makes me kind of sad because I love hanging out with you folks. But, I do want to make sure that I haven't done something to piss anyone off or make them uncomfortable -- if that's the case, I would really like the chance to address it and make amends.
Definitely do not mention the FB stalking, that will take things into whiny adolescent land real fast.
Then...see what happens. The worst case scenario is that your friend gives you no information and you STILL don't get invited to events, which...is the situation you're already in. Best case scenario is that it's sort of random oversight (which then gets corrected) or you find out about some behavior/incident that you can potentially change in the future or work through with whichever person(s) is having the problem. Or, it's some ridiculous reason that you can't/don't want to change and you can wash your hands of these people because they are ridiculous.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:27 AM on November 21, 2013 [16 favorites]
It's weird, because on the one hand, it does indeed sound as if they have all had some sort of chat amongst themselves whereby they have decided it's more fun to hang out together without you....
But then there are also instances whereby this does not seem to be the case (Postings on facebook, asking for X's number, not keeping plans secret from you, just not inviting you along....).
I think you're going to have to be brave, bite the bullet and have that chat with the person in the group you feel closest to... and be prepared that the answer might not be kind, but at least you'll know!!
posted by JenThePro at 11:30 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
But then there are also instances whereby this does not seem to be the case (Postings on facebook, asking for X's number, not keeping plans secret from you, just not inviting you along....).
I think you're going to have to be brave, bite the bullet and have that chat with the person in the group you feel closest to... and be prepared that the answer might not be kind, but at least you'll know!!
posted by JenThePro at 11:30 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This is a small side note, but in the future it helps if you can sort your Facebook feed by "Most Recent" instead of by the "Top Stories" default. It's a little bit of gray text near the top of the page, the word "sort" with an arrow next to it. Makes a HUGE difference in not missing things.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 11:33 AM on November 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Narrative Priorities at 11:33 AM on November 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
Also, they don't seem that great, frankly. Calling you to ask for a friend's number and not inviting you? So rude and inconsiderate. And weird. Who needs them? There are lots of cool people in the world.
posted by discopolo at 11:34 AM on November 21, 2013 [16 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 11:34 AM on November 21, 2013 [16 favorites]
If you've been working on yourself (as you say), is it possible that you're not as in tune with these people as you were? Maybe your role in the group actually was "the difficult one" and now you're not so difficult anymore and the dynamic has changed. Honestly, I have known people to "succeed out" of their friend groups - like, they became nicer and more thoughtful and that changed the dynamic of the group so much that things just...tapered off. Not because the friend group was made of terrible people and the one person stopped being terrible, but because their role in the group stayed the same and the person changed.
posted by Frowner at 11:45 AM on November 21, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by Frowner at 11:45 AM on November 21, 2013 [11 favorites]
also, if you go to a person's fb page, on their cover picture, there's a box that is has a checkmark on it telling you that they are friends with you. if you click on it, it will come up with a contextual menu, and in that list is settings. in the settings, you can choose (under the heading "see which updates…") to see the amount of posts that you see from that person: all, important, or none, i believe.
posted by koroshiya at 12:09 PM on November 21, 2013
posted by koroshiya at 12:09 PM on November 21, 2013
"Have I been an asshole recently?"
It's less than 140 characters....
posted by bq at 1:05 PM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's less than 140 characters....
posted by bq at 1:05 PM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: One night I got a text from friend X saying "hey, do you have Y's number? i am running late for the pub crawl with her and Z and Q and need to tell her."
This strikes me as odd. Why didn't X text Z or Q, since they were also going on the pub crawl, to get Y's number?
Not to make you more paranoid, but something just seems really off about that particular detail. Either they are TOTALLY not blowing you off -- i.e., there's nothing to hide so X just goofily contacted you -- or X is trying to mess with your head. Weird, is all.
Why not ask X about it, straight up? Since X was your last point of contact...
posted by nacho fries at 1:24 PM on November 21, 2013 [9 favorites]
This strikes me as odd. Why didn't X text Z or Q, since they were also going on the pub crawl, to get Y's number?
Not to make you more paranoid, but something just seems really off about that particular detail. Either they are TOTALLY not blowing you off -- i.e., there's nothing to hide so X just goofily contacted you -- or X is trying to mess with your head. Weird, is all.
Why not ask X about it, straight up? Since X was your last point of contact...
posted by nacho fries at 1:24 PM on November 21, 2013 [9 favorites]
I have to say that this has happened to me before, both on the being-cut-off side and the cutting-someone-off side.
I have this friend, X, that I used to hang out with all the time- multiple times a week. She's a great person and I've known her for a long time. But recently she's gotten married and her personality seems to have changed. She's just not the same person she used to be. It's like someone that used to be bright and colorful turned into a drab shade of beige. She's not available to hang out that often and when she is all she does is whine or try way too hard to have a good time. I still like her, but hanging out with her has become kind of exhausting. So I only see her about once a month now.
A friend of ours, Y, has become a good friend of mine and we hang out all the time now. The group dynamics have shifted. It's not like we purposefully don't hang out with X- if we call her to hang out she's either too tired or busy so we've stopped calling. A couple times it hurt X's feelings because she felt left out ("I would have wanted to go with you guys if you had just called!") but it's become kind of pointless to even call her anymore.
I don't really know what advice to give, except to maybe ask your friends for their honest opinion. I wouldn't volunteer the information to my friend but if they asked I would tell it to them.
posted by shesaysgo at 1:55 PM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have this friend, X, that I used to hang out with all the time- multiple times a week. She's a great person and I've known her for a long time. But recently she's gotten married and her personality seems to have changed. She's just not the same person she used to be. It's like someone that used to be bright and colorful turned into a drab shade of beige. She's not available to hang out that often and when she is all she does is whine or try way too hard to have a good time. I still like her, but hanging out with her has become kind of exhausting. So I only see her about once a month now.
A friend of ours, Y, has become a good friend of mine and we hang out all the time now. The group dynamics have shifted. It's not like we purposefully don't hang out with X- if we call her to hang out she's either too tired or busy so we've stopped calling. A couple times it hurt X's feelings because she felt left out ("I would have wanted to go with you guys if you had just called!") but it's become kind of pointless to even call her anymore.
I don't really know what advice to give, except to maybe ask your friends for their honest opinion. I wouldn't volunteer the information to my friend but if they asked I would tell it to them.
posted by shesaysgo at 1:55 PM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
My guess is that one of the group is trying to exclude you and the others either don't notice or are buying some story she came uo with about why she doesn't want to hang out with you. I've seen this power play happen in groups of women So. Many. Times. I guess its a compulsive need to compete for attention with whoever she's BFFs with at the moment but who knows. If you suspect this is the issue I'd just schedule one on ones with the other women and enjoy their company and let the weird group dynamic play out without you.
posted by fshgrl at 2:26 PM on November 21, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 2:26 PM on November 21, 2013 [7 favorites]
It may be that 1 person is annoyed with you, and has taken the lead, and is leaving you out, or you may have seemed unavailable for a while, or who knows. Don't give up too easily, but don't chase them too far. Yeah, finding the sweet spot is unpossible. Make plans with them as individuals, and comment on the fact that you're feeling kind of isolated, and ask for advice. If that doesn't prompt more activity, ask one, maybe 2 people if anything's up. And start looking for new folks to hang out with. It's kind of odd and crummy, but sometimes people are odd and/or crummy.
posted by theora55 at 2:31 PM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 2:31 PM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Next time you hear/see that they're hanging out, just text "Can I come? :)" or "I want to go!" or something similarly low-key. Don't wait for an invitation, because it's apparently not coming.
Once you're hanging out with them, and having fun, then say, "Hey, I missed you guys!" Try to make plans then, in the moment when you're all enjoying each other. I mean, don't press it if they're not into making plans that second, but that's probably your best hope for scheduling a future hang out that will actually happen.
Try to schedule at least a phone date (in person would be great, but to be honest, she might actually be more honest on the phone since it's not face-to-face) with the friend you're closest to, and chat, show a lot of interest in her life. In what feels like a good moment, say you've missed the group, how would she feel about everyone getting together for X [a purely fun event, something any one of them would want to go to on her own]. She might spill that that's not going to happen because one of the other friends doesn't like you, or some other random gossip that's the reason they're not hanging out with you. You can then deal with that situation, once it's known.
In the meantime, don't worry too much about why they're not hanging out with you, because it could honestly be anything. When my friendships have gone cold in that way, it's usually because something is going wrong in one friend's life while going really well in mine or vice versa, and it's just a mixture of jealousy and embarrassment, circumstantial rather than personal. And not something you can figure out on your own -- wait until you're on better terms with your friends again, and eventually you can just ask about it.
posted by rue72 at 3:10 PM on November 21, 2013
Once you're hanging out with them, and having fun, then say, "Hey, I missed you guys!" Try to make plans then, in the moment when you're all enjoying each other. I mean, don't press it if they're not into making plans that second, but that's probably your best hope for scheduling a future hang out that will actually happen.
Try to schedule at least a phone date (in person would be great, but to be honest, she might actually be more honest on the phone since it's not face-to-face) with the friend you're closest to, and chat, show a lot of interest in her life. In what feels like a good moment, say you've missed the group, how would she feel about everyone getting together for X [a purely fun event, something any one of them would want to go to on her own]. She might spill that that's not going to happen because one of the other friends doesn't like you, or some other random gossip that's the reason they're not hanging out with you. You can then deal with that situation, once it's known.
In the meantime, don't worry too much about why they're not hanging out with you, because it could honestly be anything. When my friendships have gone cold in that way, it's usually because something is going wrong in one friend's life while going really well in mine or vice versa, and it's just a mixture of jealousy and embarrassment, circumstantial rather than personal. And not something you can figure out on your own -- wait until you're on better terms with your friends again, and eventually you can just ask about it.
posted by rue72 at 3:10 PM on November 21, 2013
Is one of your friends a stealth Mean Girl? Does she make a lot of jokes about "banning" people from the friend group and then go "haha totally just kidding!"? Does she have weird rules for who is in or out of her good graces that you're supposed to intuit without her telling you? "Frank didn't RSVP to the group Facebook invite for trivia night three times. He's off the list!"
If any of this sounds familiar, you've broken one of the Mean Girl's "rules" and she's excluded you. The rest of the friends either don't know that she's not inviting you, or feel like they can't invite you because Mean Girl made the plans and it's rude to invite people to someone else's event, OR they know MG is excluding you but don't care.
This might not be what's going on at all, but it's a possibility.
posted by MsMolly at 5:04 PM on November 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
If any of this sounds familiar, you've broken one of the Mean Girl's "rules" and she's excluded you. The rest of the friends either don't know that she's not inviting you, or feel like they can't invite you because Mean Girl made the plans and it's rude to invite people to someone else's event, OR they know MG is excluding you but don't care.
This might not be what's going on at all, but it's a possibility.
posted by MsMolly at 5:04 PM on November 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
Perhaps they just assumed that you already know you're always welcome, and are wondering why you don't invite yourself along.
posted by windykites at 5:07 PM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by windykites at 5:07 PM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
I had a good friend ask me once (as I'm the "honest" friend) why he wasn't invited to stuff. It was a combination of "you live a bit far out", "we know your family is your #1 priority and dont want to impose" and "we didn't know you wanted more invites". All fixable. The reasons for you may not be the same, but may also be easily fixable.
posted by RogueTech at 9:33 PM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by RogueTech at 9:33 PM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
I second all the people advising you to speak with the person you're closest to. But do it F2F and do it deliberately, with purpose. If you make a joke out of it or surprise the person or frame it like "I'm not getting blown off, right?" then you risk your friend giving an off-the-cuff polite answer. And you probably want to actually know the truth.
I'd say something like "I know you guys have been hanging out a lot without me, and I have to assume that's not an accident, so I'm wondering if you'd do me a favour and tell me what happened." I think that kind of approach stands the best chance of eliciting a thoughtful reply. Past tense (happened, not is happening) will help because it positions your participation in the group as settled and over, which means your friend won't feel coerced into trying to reintegrate you -- which, if they really did friend dump you, she/he won't be able to do. Andd if you're wrong about being dumped, your friend will just tell you. Good luck!
posted by Susan PG at 2:04 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'd say something like "I know you guys have been hanging out a lot without me, and I have to assume that's not an accident, so I'm wondering if you'd do me a favour and tell me what happened." I think that kind of approach stands the best chance of eliciting a thoughtful reply. Past tense (happened, not is happening) will help because it positions your participation in the group as settled and over, which means your friend won't feel coerced into trying to reintegrate you -- which, if they really did friend dump you, she/he won't be able to do. Andd if you're wrong about being dumped, your friend will just tell you. Good luck!
posted by Susan PG at 2:04 AM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
I disagree with the people suggesting you ask what's up and why don't they want to play with you anymore. If this is the first time you've noticed the change in the group dynamics then it could well be that they've never noticed either.
I'd just invite them to a few things in a more forceful way, and reassess the situation in a couple of months. People are busy, I'm saying this as someone who regularly forgets to invite people to group things because I just assume someone else will have. I sometimes don't realise that I'm the closer link to another person.
I'd take it easy, not get too paranoid, and make a decision on whether I need to bring it up as 'a thing' in a while once you've had a chance to actively invite yourself along to things.
posted by stevedawg at 8:28 AM on November 22, 2013
I'd just invite them to a few things in a more forceful way, and reassess the situation in a couple of months. People are busy, I'm saying this as someone who regularly forgets to invite people to group things because I just assume someone else will have. I sometimes don't realise that I'm the closer link to another person.
I'd take it easy, not get too paranoid, and make a decision on whether I need to bring it up as 'a thing' in a while once you've had a chance to actively invite yourself along to things.
posted by stevedawg at 8:28 AM on November 22, 2013
But maybe what I think is "happy" and "fun" is actually somehow "insufferable dickbag."
Yes. You know: if you suspect you've been friend dumped and "insufferable dickbag" is even a possible descriptor for your behavior - then yes, that's definitely the reason. Or to frame this another way, maybe what you saw as playful teasing amongst close friends came across to your friends as sharp-elbowed, intentional social undermining. You probably said something offensive in this group but nobody feels like they can tell you that directly (unless you ask, and even then they might not say so to spare your feelings).
One of my groups of friends where everyone's in their late 30s had a situation like this recently. We slowly dropped someone from invites to our big group events because she had a pattern of gossiping loudly, publicly, and rudely about women in our group who were not present (i.e. about one of our friends who is a lesbian: "Did you guys know she used to be married to a man!," about another friend "I heard they're having marital problems!") Folks will still hang out with her one-on-one, and rarely, but in the group setting it got to the point where people would only come to events at our house if we assured them she wasn't coming. She was not the victim of mean people, she WAS the mean person.
You might reach out to one of the friends in that group who has a lot of empathy and never speaks ill of others and ask them if there is anyone to whom you might possibly owe an apology. And don't argue with their feedback or try to re-litigate the issue - just thank them for telling you.
posted by hush at 1:17 PM on November 22, 2013
Yes. You know: if you suspect you've been friend dumped and "insufferable dickbag" is even a possible descriptor for your behavior - then yes, that's definitely the reason. Or to frame this another way, maybe what you saw as playful teasing amongst close friends came across to your friends as sharp-elbowed, intentional social undermining. You probably said something offensive in this group but nobody feels like they can tell you that directly (unless you ask, and even then they might not say so to spare your feelings).
One of my groups of friends where everyone's in their late 30s had a situation like this recently. We slowly dropped someone from invites to our big group events because she had a pattern of gossiping loudly, publicly, and rudely about women in our group who were not present (i.e. about one of our friends who is a lesbian: "Did you guys know she used to be married to a man!," about another friend "I heard they're having marital problems!") Folks will still hang out with her one-on-one, and rarely, but in the group setting it got to the point where people would only come to events at our house if we assured them she wasn't coming. She was not the victim of mean people, she WAS the mean person.
You might reach out to one of the friends in that group who has a lot of empathy and never speaks ill of others and ask them if there is anyone to whom you might possibly owe an apology. And don't argue with their feedback or try to re-litigate the issue - just thank them for telling you.
posted by hush at 1:17 PM on November 22, 2013
Response by poster: OK, the reaction to my (hindsight: poor) choice of "insufferable dickbag" to express "maybe I'm doing something dumb or being annoying without realizing it" definitely suggests that yes, I've probably said something inadvertently really stupid, or like, a lot of really inadvertently stupid things, to the people around me. Because I really had no idea that it would be taken the way it was.
I guess that is maybe what happens when you talk more to the Internet than to humans for a couple of years. Welp. Time to go investigate whom I've offended and how.
posted by like_a_friend at 5:03 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I guess that is maybe what happens when you talk more to the Internet than to humans for a couple of years. Welp. Time to go investigate whom I've offended and how.
posted by like_a_friend at 5:03 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Good luck, OP, and I'm sorry you're going through this. If I had to guess, based on what you've written, your friend X probably either 1) knows exactly what's up, and/or 2) is one of the people you've offended somehow. From where I sit, X crossed a social boundary by sending that text actively letting you know you were not invited to the pub crawl with X and your 2 other friends. (Social rule: It is unkind to mention an event to folks who were not invited to it). X is trying to tell you something. I hope I'm totally off base here, but I don't think I am.
posted by hush at 7:05 AM on November 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by hush at 7:05 AM on November 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
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Is there any reason for them to think that you have been really busy/have a crazy job/whatever and haven't had the time to hang out? You easily found reasons for why they would be too busy to hang out (which led to this going on for six months). Maybe they did the same for you...?
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:21 AM on November 21, 2013 [6 favorites]