Setting boundries with parents, what is the best approach at 30?

November 4, 2013 4:49 AM

I am 30 years old, I have been pretty independent (I left NY to move to VA when I was 21 to go to college and have been here since). My parents recently moved 3 miles from my house about two years ago... it is a blessing, but sometimes it is difficult. I feel I carry "guilt" that I need to keep them company or keep my Mom busy since they don't have any friends or family here, so it makes me feel like I owe them a lot of my time since they basically moved here for me. If I dont call her or see her twice a week its like I've "abandoned" them. How do I get my parents to see this without it sounding like I don't "need" them in my life as much?

I am also extremely open with my mom, and share WAY to much information... I shoulnd't and I have been trying to stop this. I share way too much about my relationships with her so it's her that I run to when I have been hurt. They aren't a big fan of my ex because we had a lot of ups and downs and I would run to my mom feeling like my world was crashing down... a lot of time, discussions and therapy to build myself and there was a slight chance of my ex and I wanting to try to work things out so he came over a couple weekends ago to talk. I get a text from my mom saying "Nice company at your house, I am done with you!! You made this bed, now lie in it", she drove by my house I guess on a hunch and after I said what mom, cmon are you disowning me- that is what she replied. I understand they want the best for me, want me to be happy and do not want to see me hurt... I want all of those things for myself too. The prolem I have is the fact that she drove by, and now they are upset because I lied to them and told them I was out with a friend instead of him being in town. How to I salvage this? What is the best way to get them to see I wasn't lying to them to hurt them but because I am trying to figure things out on my own without involving them, and to set healthy boundries? I feel like I sometimes live my life to please my parents, and I want to stop teling them everything also. I am a good daughter, but have made some poor decisions in my past, so I completely understand their concern and now I feel horribly guilty and am not sure what to do. It has been a week since they have spoken to me and I know they will tell me if I chose to get back with my ex that they will have no part in it, that they dont want me or him near etc.

I know people may say I should listen to my parents about my ex and maybe they are right- I know all of this and am not trying to discuss those issues, but I do believe we are stronger and things that were an issue in the relationship that I divulged to my parents shoulnd't have been discussed with them and kept between us which is why they now hate him. They weren't much of a big deal. My question here is more of how do I set healthy boundries, how do I get her to see that I am not okay with her driving by my house, and how can I explain to them that I'm sorry I wasn't honest, I didnt mean to break their trust in lying about who I was with but It's something I needed to do at the time for me.

posted by BrandNewMe to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Best answer: how do I get her to see that ...?

Well, you don't. You control what you tell her, not what she hears. You control your own behavior, not her reactions.

More specifically, you can apologize for lying without apologizing for seeing your ex. Your mom isn't handling this well, but the fact is that you can't both do what you want to do AND insist that your parents like what you're doing. Your behavior is yours. Their reactions are theirs. Arguing with your mom about her inappropriate drive-by makes it more likely to occur again, not less, because it means you're engaging her on a topic she's worried about, potentially soothing her anxieties. Look at the language of her text -- I am done with you!! You made this bed, now lie in it. She wants a fight. Don't give it to her.

As far as changing your habit of oversharing with your parents, I suggest you think about what typically triggers that oversharing (perhaps feeling insecure or hurt) and then think about what a healthier thing to do might be, and devise some way to remind yourself to do that healthier thing when the trigger is tripped. Merely resolving not to do something rarely works; you need a ready alternate behavior.
posted by jon1270 at 5:17 AM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

How to I salvage this? What is the best way to get them to see I wasn't lying to them to hurt them but because I am trying to figure things out on my own without involving them, and to set healthy boundries?

I would call a family meeting and tell them exactly that-- that you need and want more boundaries, that you love seeing them, but you are an adult with your own life. You already know what it is you want. Even if you break it off with your ex, you want the freedom to not have your mom creep on your guests in the future.

I guess my main question is why exactly they moved-- they're two functioning adults who moved just to be closer to you? Did you ask them to move, or did they just decide to? Because it doesn't seem like you "owe" them, really. Could you maybe look for cultural organizations/clubs/meetup groups that they might be interested in and not know about? Buy them season/member tickets to a museum/musical thing/sporting event that you all enjoy? Get them set up with classes or another activity like hiking or bird watching? (This depends on your folks, of course.) I don't think there's going to be a magic phrase that will get them to let you go. I think you need to be firm about needing your own space and time, regardless of what they're choosing to do (or not do) with theirs.
posted by jetlagaddict at 5:17 AM on November 4, 2013

Abandoning people who are not good for you is totally okay and laudable behavior, and it doesn't matter what your history with those people is. If they're worth having in your life, you will be able to patch things up later. This applies to both your mother and your ex, although in the latter case, this guy had better be the most desirable man in the entire universe to be worth it, and possibly not even then. You can't trade in your mom for someone better, that's just a fact of life, but some space will help. The boyfriend? Yeah, there are a lot of those out there. Only warning sign you should ever need is that you already broke up once.

And that's before ever getting into your post history. But this doesn't excuse your mom acting like that, which is wildly inappropriate parental behavior. Your parents are grown-ups, if they'd be happier living elsewhere they can move elsewhere.

In the end, all you can really do is just stop talking to people who are not good for you. It sounds horribly difficult, but you say you have a therapist--talk to your therapist. Write in a journal. Call a friend. The way you stop the drama is by not feeding the drama. Talk to people who are good for you. If you don't have enough of those, go find some. So, basically, no, don't listen to your mom, listen to common sense. See in three months (or six, or twelve) how you feel and make decisions there from a position where you aren't in the midst of all the emotional tumult. None of these people will have perished in the meantime.
posted by Sequence at 5:20 AM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

You're kind of a mess. (I hope you see that for the helpful comment it's meant to be).

The thing is that despite what you say, your actions are hypocritical. You say you want to do things that don't involve your parents, yet you tell them everything that occurs in your life. You say that you want to spend less time with them and yet you try to see them as much as possible out of guilt. Can you see how this sends mixed messages to your parents?

Also, have you considered that perhaps you're weighing your mother down by telling her all the ups and downs of your life? I have had friends who will come up to me and complain about things they are going through- and that's ok by me, because as a friend I think my job is to hear their problems and try to help them with it... However when it's someone that I give my advice to and instead of absorbing it or considering it, they just whine and complain and go on and on over and over again. I get angry because it's clear that they didn't really come to me for advice or for help. They just want to dump all their sad baggage on someone so that they don't have to deal with their problems themselves. I have better things to do with my time than hear you complain and whine all day long especially when you're not even interested in doing anything about your problem. Based on what you've written my guess is that you spend all this time burdening your mother with the downturns of life with your ex and she spends a lot of time listening and trying to help you... and after all that time and effort she sees you continuing contact with your ex. Which she knows is only going to add up to you being hurt and coming to her again. Then she has to have her heart broken seeing you in pain and she has to carry the burden of hearing you cry and complain all over again about it. That is hard for ANYONE who cares for you. When I had a friend who kept going back to her abusive ex despite all the help I gave her in trying to escape him, even putting my own life in jeapordy to do it and in the end all she does is go back to him?? And she did this 3 times. I finally said- "you know what I'm Done. Don't ever call me again." I could not be around her and see her get beat up again. It was too draining on my soul.

You have a therapist. That's the only person you should be talking this much to about these things. They don't mind being burdoned like this because it is their job. And they are less emotionally connected to you which makes them more objective anyway. The fact that you share so much with your parents in this way tells me that you are a little lonely. Try to join your local toastmasters or meetup.com group and go once or twice a week. Get out there and meet people. As for the incident where your parents think you lied to them... just share how you feel in a letter and make sure they receive it. Letters and emails are great because they prevent you from getting interrupted or allowing emotional outbursts.
posted by manderin at 5:47 AM on November 4, 2013 [9 favorites]

Do not use your mother as a therapist. She may balk at your sudden pullback of Too Much Information, but just stop it. Therapists and best friends exist for a reason.

You are very fortunate to be emotionally close to your parents. Don't sabotage what you have by giving either of them TMI about your personal life. Relationships come and go but parents don't. And they have long memories--and sometimes the proclivity to remind you of things you'd rather forget.

The physically close is just, wow, way too close. Many of us live or move far from ours for very good reasons, and wish it could be different. While I agree you should apologize for lying, I'd also add that it was because you were afraid of exactly what is now happening--of being judged harshly for your behavior. Explain that you are a grown up and that you need to make your own decisions and mistakes without their judgment. Explain that if you want their advice, you will ask for it. Ask them to never stop by unannounced because you might be experimenting with oil and latex in your front room. Explain that it is always necessary to call first and this is the magic of a mobile phone.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 6:46 AM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

What is the best way to get them to see I wasn't lying to them to hurt them but because I am trying to figure things out on my own without involving them, and to set healthy boundries?


From my reading of your question, your mother should be posting, and she should be asking, What is the best way to get her to see that I wasn't interfering with her life to hurt her, but because she has involved me repeatedly in this relationship, and I know it's going to make her deeply unhappy, and I'm just trying to help her set healthy boundaries?
posted by Capri at 6:46 AM on November 4, 2013

If the question is: "how to set boundaries with parents", I'd suggest not talking to them for a year or two. It sounds like you've each broken each others' trust. Stop doing that to them. Stop allowing them to do that to you. Get on with your life. Catch up with them later, when everyone's grown up a little.
posted by pompomtom at 7:03 AM on November 4, 2013

Is this ex the same one who concealed the existence of his 5 year old child? Your mother isn't going about this is the most mature manner, but I'd be telling you to run like hell too.
posted by chiababe at 7:12 AM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

Your relationship with your parents sounds really dysfunctional. I'd posit that this isn't a matter of them being right about your choices or you being a terrible daughter, but rather one in which you weren't raised with good and appropriate boundaries and that now being played out in your adult relationships. You're keeping in touch with people who are bad for you out of feelings of guilt and obligation, and by this I mean both your parents and your ex. I'd imagine that all the disclosure with your mother is prompted by at least some kind of mild bullying. You're so awful. You don't tell me anything about your life. I moved here for you and you don't appreciate it.

You might read about narcissists, or borderline personality disorder. You really need to start freeing yourself from all of this, the cycle of being made to feel worthless by people who purport to love and care for you just so that they can disrespect you and hurt you more.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:14 AM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]

I'd posit that this isn't a matter of them being right about your choices or you being a terrible daughter, but rather one in which you weren't raised with good and appropriate boundaries and that now being played out in your adult relationships.

This is a good observation. You might benefit from talking to your therapist about your mother's childhood. It might help you get insight into how she relates to the world, which might help you understand how you fit together on a continuum. My mother has terrible boundaries, and I have struggled with mine. One thing that helped me is realizing that for my mother, being the youngest of many children, with a twin with serious disabilities, and a mother (my grandmother) who was non-maternal, non-nurturing, critical and ungiving made my mom crazy. My grandmother would have been an okay mom to maybe two kids. Instead she had like eight. My mother tripped all over herself begging for some warmth from that withholding woman for her whole life, and then made up for her shitty childhood by directing all of that pent-up vampiric need toward me, her daughter.

Understanding that sort of inherited dynamic and series of reactions doesn't 100% mean fantastic boundaries and mental health, but it goes a long way toward understanding the universe and being able to take some degree of control and getting incrementally better at understanding what normal boundaries are.

It sounds like both of you -- you and your mother -- have a terrible understanding of what adult boundaries are, you because you talk too much about your life with them, her because she doesn't understand it's actually not acceptable to be pissed at another adult for their choices in relationships. It's reasonable to be pissed about being lied to, but 'I am done with you!' is not a normal response from a mother.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:43 AM on November 4, 2013 [6 favorites]

Why did your parents move out for you? To help with something?

You need to learn how to process your own emotions without running to your parents to do it for you.

And don't involve others in your intimate relationships. That adds a third person in your relationship (weird!). It shows a lack of confidence in yourself and your decisions about your life.

Also, I kind of disagree on the "family meeting" suggested above. You don't announce to people that you're now invoking boundaries. In a way, that is asking them permission to have boundaries, or asking their help in having your own. It doesn't work that way. You just have them, and you act with them. So apologize for lying, tell your parents you're going through some stuff and need some space, and then act accordingly (and resist their interference if they can't stay put).
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:44 AM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

I could answer this from two perspectives. One is that, yes, your mom is being inappropriate, and furthermore, your parents are probably the ones who taught you the relationship style now evident with your current boyfriend.

The other is that your mom IS entitled to her feelings about this boyfriend, and it sounds like those are basically "it is painful to me to watch you be in such an unhealthy relationship. If you want to continue that relationship, I cannot be your emotional support about the relationship and do not want to discuss it. And it really hurts that you lied about it. That you would break trust with me to be with a guy that has only ever lied to and hurt you... just... I can't express how much that frustrates, hurts, and upsets me! I need a little time to cool off."

But back on my first point, your mom is not expressing her feelings and needs as feelings and needs but as blame, accusations, and punishment. Her feelings and needs are valid, but she is not expressing them in a healthy and respectful way. It seems she is trying to manipulate and/or punish you.

But back on my second point, if they don't want to be around your boyfriend, that's their right, and you should respect that. I don't necessarily think what is driving you here is a desire for healthy boundaries but an attachment to this unhealthy-for-you guy, but you can't force them to be comfortable with your relationship with him. Respecting their expressed feelings and needs about this will be a part of having healthy boundaries.

This is a very entangled situation, but the good news is that you are on the right track by looking into how to set boundaries. In your current mindset, you might be able to get a lot out of therapy, if that's something you've ever wanted to try. You might also get a lot from Harriet Lerner's books, like The Dance of Intimacy, The Dance of Anger, and The Dance of Communication.

For now, I'd just email your mom and basically try to respect her needs and emotions while assuming that you will continue to make your own decisions. "Sorry I lied about what I was doing last weekend. I can imagine how much that hurt and upset you. I won't do that again. And if you don't ever want to talk to me about or see [Brian], I understand. I have to make my own decision about this relationship, but I know it is hard on you to hear about my ups and downs with him. I hope we can still chat about other stuff once you're ready. Because of your silence, I'm assuming that you want some space for now, but let me know when you'd like to talk again."

The other crucial step right now is to relax. If she's punishing you by giving you the silent treatment, you have to not let that tactic work. View her actions as reflecting her needs and feelings, not as being about you. If she wants something from you, she can ask for it or explain it. So rather than feeling like "omg I have to get my mom to talk to me again!" realize that that's out of your control and not really about you. Try to view things as "well, she needs space to cool down, and I hope she'll feel better and get back in touch soon."

Good luck. This is tough. Really do consider the therapy idea. This sounds very painful and may get tougher before it gets easier. Having someone on your side help you untangle it could be very useful.
posted by salvia at 11:03 AM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

I can only tell you what worked for me: When I started behaving like an adult, the people around me started treating me like one. I started taking responsibility for my actions and the consequences. I stopped going to my parents for help both financially and emotionally. If I was asked inappropriate questions regarding my life I answered that it was not their business. In the beginning, it was not well received and I don't think they had faith that I would succeed, frankly some days I didnt know if I would either. I kept one foot in front of the other and over time I started to believe. Now I think I have their respect and they don't ask the inappropriate questions. But I think I will always be their baby so one does slip every now and then.
posted by heatherly at 11:26 AM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Honestly, I think trying to convince anybody that you were right for lying to them is going to be a losing battle, let alone if the person you're trying to convince is your mother. So if that were me, I would let that particular sleeping dog lie as much as possible.

I also think that your relationship with your parents isn't necessarily unhealthy or weird, it just sounds like your relationship now is more bff than parent/child. That's a natural and good evolution, but it means that they're probably going to be more "real" with you, and they're going to demand the same from you (ie, no more lying). So you might need to develop a thicker skin sometimes, and you might have to be brave enough to be more honest and straightforward at other times. It's OK if either you or your parents stumble a bit, these are people who moved a thousand miles or whatever to be with you, they love you, you guys will all figure it out eventually.

From what you've written here, it seems obvious to me that they love you and you love them, and it's OK if they're the closest people in your life and you share a lot. If your problem is that you're sometimes too open and feel embarrassed later, then OK, maybe try to be more mindful of your words for a bit until you have more decorum around them -- that's "setting boundaries." There's no law that your boundary with them has to be the state line or they can't know what's going on in your life or your relationship -- whatever actually makes *you* feel comfortable is OK, including talking to your mom about bad feelings or bad things going on in your life, and having a real friendship with her. If your ex is upset at you now because you told your mom about shitty stuff that he did, and he's trying to shame and isolate you from her as a result (which is what it sounds like is going on to me), then that is him being a manipulative bully, that is not about you being "too close" with your mom.

It sounds to me like you're ashamed of having your ex over, and your mom driving by and calling you on it is just ratcheting those emotions by a million and causing you to freak out. No, I don't think your mom called you on it in the nicest way possible and I wouldn't have texted you those things, but I also think it's a deflection to focus on your mom's drive by in the "boundaries are getting crossed" freak-out that you're having here. You are having your *ex* over at your house and your relationship with him is making a *lie* to your *loved ones* seem justified -- in my eyes, the scary boundary that is getting crossed is between you and him, not you and your mom. If he is trying to poison your relationship with your mom, by telling you things like how you shouldn't run to her about every little thing, or she shouldn't know about your relationship with him (that you *should* keep secrets from her), and is otherwise trying to isolate you from people who legitimately care about you -- then I think he's not good news and I understand why your mom is worried (even if drivebys and "you are dead to me!" texts are a little over the top).

Just think about who has had your back. If that's your parents, then maybe the boundary you have to enforce is between you and the ex. If that's your ex, then go ahead and watch your words with your parents for a while, until you guys get to a more comfortable intimacy equilibrium.
posted by rue72 at 3:15 PM on November 4, 2013