Help me decide when to have a baby.
October 29, 2013 12:00 PM Subscribe
Should I work on getting a new, hopefully long-term job before getting pregnant, or should I stay in my not ideal but okay current job? Snowflakes inside...
Reasons to go: I'm underpaid for my industry/city. I don't have a lot of confidence in the long-term prospects for the company. It's very small, and we've lost several employees over the past few years, without replacing them. Morale is terrible. We no longer have an office - we are 100% remote. Working from home has been getting to me a bit. I have no retirement funds- I was supposed to be enrolled in a profit-sharing thing instead after working here for 3 years, but when I asked about it (after 4 years), I was told curtly that we have not made a profit nor contributed to the profit-sharing account since 2009. My boss (the owner) is a sexist old jerk who is hard to work with. My creativity is stifled because he won't approve any new ideas.
Reasons to stay: It's what I know. I have a ton of freedom. My boss has checked out of all day-to-day activities, and I rarely have to deal with him. I like my coworkers. Our financial situation is stable (I don't NEED to get a job where I make more money). I can do some freelancing for extra income. And the big one - If I had a baby, I wouldn't have to put him/her in daycare - I would be able to keep the baby at home with me when I returned to work.
I have been ready to look for a new job for about a year, but continually wavered, mostly because it is really hard to walk away from the type of freedom I currently have. The idea of joining the normal working world again is equal parts exciting (get to wear nice clothes! Makeup! Interact with people! Stride through city streets with a coffee in the morning like a boss!) and not (have to wake up early. Can't just up and visit my parents for a week without taking vacation time. Would have to do all my dishes, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. on my own time). About a month ago, however, I felt ready and fully committed myself to finding a new job. I've been going along happily that way until an email from a coworker who is about to return to work after her second child. I realized that she will have both children at home now, no daycare. I knew that this was the deal in our company, but I guess I just had not thought about it much. This seems crazy. Isn't that something like 60K/yr that her family is saving?
This has thrown me for a loop. My husband and I are ready for a baby. All of our goals are met; if I got pregnant tomorrow we would feel nothing but joy. Except for this job issue. Maybe it would be worth it to stay. Maybe this is the dream situation for a working mom. Even if I did decide to use daycare or a caregiver for some portion of the week, wouldn't it be easier to be at home with all this freedom?
TL;DR: We want to have a baby. Not sure if the right move is for me to get a new job now, wait a few months, then get pregnant (is this kosher?), or to just stick with the job I have now and try to get a new job once the baby exists and I'm ready to go back to work. I fear that the baby-craziness has taken over my brain and I can't think about this rationally (and my husband is in the same boat, so he's no help). What I WANT is to get pregnant NOW, damn everything else, but I am also 30 and have waited this long to make sure all my ducks are in a row, I can wait a bit longer if that would be the right decision.
Can you tell me what you think the smartest move is? Do you have experience in your life with these situations that could help sway me to one side or the other?
Reasons to go: I'm underpaid for my industry/city. I don't have a lot of confidence in the long-term prospects for the company. It's very small, and we've lost several employees over the past few years, without replacing them. Morale is terrible. We no longer have an office - we are 100% remote. Working from home has been getting to me a bit. I have no retirement funds- I was supposed to be enrolled in a profit-sharing thing instead after working here for 3 years, but when I asked about it (after 4 years), I was told curtly that we have not made a profit nor contributed to the profit-sharing account since 2009. My boss (the owner) is a sexist old jerk who is hard to work with. My creativity is stifled because he won't approve any new ideas.
Reasons to stay: It's what I know. I have a ton of freedom. My boss has checked out of all day-to-day activities, and I rarely have to deal with him. I like my coworkers. Our financial situation is stable (I don't NEED to get a job where I make more money). I can do some freelancing for extra income. And the big one - If I had a baby, I wouldn't have to put him/her in daycare - I would be able to keep the baby at home with me when I returned to work.
I have been ready to look for a new job for about a year, but continually wavered, mostly because it is really hard to walk away from the type of freedom I currently have. The idea of joining the normal working world again is equal parts exciting (get to wear nice clothes! Makeup! Interact with people! Stride through city streets with a coffee in the morning like a boss!) and not (have to wake up early. Can't just up and visit my parents for a week without taking vacation time. Would have to do all my dishes, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. on my own time). About a month ago, however, I felt ready and fully committed myself to finding a new job. I've been going along happily that way until an email from a coworker who is about to return to work after her second child. I realized that she will have both children at home now, no daycare. I knew that this was the deal in our company, but I guess I just had not thought about it much. This seems crazy. Isn't that something like 60K/yr that her family is saving?
This has thrown me for a loop. My husband and I are ready for a baby. All of our goals are met; if I got pregnant tomorrow we would feel nothing but joy. Except for this job issue. Maybe it would be worth it to stay. Maybe this is the dream situation for a working mom. Even if I did decide to use daycare or a caregiver for some portion of the week, wouldn't it be easier to be at home with all this freedom?
TL;DR: We want to have a baby. Not sure if the right move is for me to get a new job now, wait a few months, then get pregnant (is this kosher?), or to just stick with the job I have now and try to get a new job once the baby exists and I'm ready to go back to work. I fear that the baby-craziness has taken over my brain and I can't think about this rationally (and my husband is in the same boat, so he's no help). What I WANT is to get pregnant NOW, damn everything else, but I am also 30 and have waited this long to make sure all my ducks are in a row, I can wait a bit longer if that would be the right decision.
Can you tell me what you think the smartest move is? Do you have experience in your life with these situations that could help sway me to one side or the other?
I'm skeptical that you could work and care for an infant.
So am I.
You should know that your (potential) new employer is not required to provide you maternity leave per the FMLA unless you have worked there 1,250 hours and they employ 50 people within a 75 mile radius. Consider that if you want to change jobs.
posted by saeculorum at 12:06 PM on October 29, 2013 [10 favorites]
So am I.
You should know that your (potential) new employer is not required to provide you maternity leave per the FMLA unless you have worked there 1,250 hours and they employ 50 people within a 75 mile radius. Consider that if you want to change jobs.
posted by saeculorum at 12:06 PM on October 29, 2013 [10 favorites]
I realized that she will have both children at home now, no daycare. I knew that this was the deal in our company, but I guess I just had not thought about it much. This seems crazy. ... Maybe this is the dream situation for a working mom
Regardless of the rest of your decision-making, working at home and being an at-home caregiver to a small child are both full-time jobs. I'm sure somebody out there is successfully doing it, but as a rule, working from home is really, really not compatible with actually looking after kids. It's a recipe for unmitigated disaster on both fronts.
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:07 PM on October 29, 2013 [26 favorites]
Regardless of the rest of your decision-making, working at home and being an at-home caregiver to a small child are both full-time jobs. I'm sure somebody out there is successfully doing it, but as a rule, working from home is really, really not compatible with actually looking after kids. It's a recipe for unmitigated disaster on both fronts.
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:07 PM on October 29, 2013 [26 favorites]
have a baby! you want it and are ready and that little bundle of joy will help you decide what to do with your job. make the decision with your heart.
posted by katypickle at 12:08 PM on October 29, 2013
posted by katypickle at 12:08 PM on October 29, 2013
Unless you have the sort of work-at-home job wherein you are not actually doing much work at all, I can't imagine you would be able to take care of an infant and also hold down a full-time position at the same time.
posted by something something at 12:09 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by something something at 12:09 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm with Ruthless Bunny and Tomorrowful on this -- having a baby and working from home are generally incompatible. So here's what I suggest: Give yourself a deadline, say six months or a year from now. Put the energy you would have used on getting pregnant and getting ready to have the baby into finding a new job, but don't leave the current one. When your deadline is up, you'll know whether you're getting a new job or not and you'll have a better idea of how much flexibility your current job actually gives you.
And remember that the issue with having a baby isn't that it's X number of hours of effort per week -- it's that it's X hours spread out at random, including the middle of the night, and X may vary from X to 4X in any given week.
posted by Etrigan at 12:13 PM on October 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
And remember that the issue with having a baby isn't that it's X number of hours of effort per week -- it's that it's X hours spread out at random, including the middle of the night, and X may vary from X to 4X in any given week.
posted by Etrigan at 12:13 PM on October 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
If I had a baby, I wouldn't have to put him/her in daycare - I would be able to keep the baby at home with me when I returned to work.
As a father who works from home, and whose wife also works from home, I can tell you that this is absolutely incorrect.
My freelance income was effectively zero for the first year after my son was born, even with both of us at home trading off the parenting responsibilities; neither of us were able to return to any sort of real work until we started him in daycare.
posted by ook at 12:14 PM on October 29, 2013 [8 favorites]
As a father who works from home, and whose wife also works from home, I can tell you that this is absolutely incorrect.
My freelance income was effectively zero for the first year after my son was born, even with both of us at home trading off the parenting responsibilities; neither of us were able to return to any sort of real work until we started him in daycare.
posted by ook at 12:14 PM on October 29, 2013 [8 favorites]
Do you aspire to build a career bigger than what you have now? To put it another way, do you want a career or do you just want a job? If you're looking to build a career, I would try to focus on that for another 1-2 years (find a job at a place where you can learn, move up, etc) and then have a baby. You'll have to pay for outside care, but if you think daycare for two kids costs $60k a year, I think you might be pleasantly surprised at the rates you find. If you're fine just having a job, might as well have a baby now, and work at your at-home gig as long as you can stand it. Allow me to agree with everyone else who says a full-time job plus a baby will not go together well for long. The stress of trying to give two equally important things your full attention at the same time will drive you crazy.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:16 PM on October 29, 2013
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:16 PM on October 29, 2013
You don't like your current job. That sounds like reason enough to look for a new gig.
Imagine working at an amazing new job. You're getting paid appropriately for your city/industry. Your company/organization is stable. Morale is great. You have retirement savings to which your employer is contributing. You feel creative, productive and valued. Your boss is not a sexist jerk. Your colleagues are smart and supportive. You want to go to work every day. You feel proud of what you are accomplishing in your job and you feel like your work is actually making a difference in the world.
Doesn't all of that sound better than the alternative, regardless of whether you have a baby? No job is perfect and starting a new job is always stressful but I would put that in your mind as the ideal and strive towards that. You don't have to quit your job before lining up something else but I would work towards getting a new gig. Improving the quality of your work situation will improve the quality of your life.
It sounds like you're settling for this job. You're 30 years old. You don't have to settle.
posted by kat518 at 12:23 PM on October 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
Imagine working at an amazing new job. You're getting paid appropriately for your city/industry. Your company/organization is stable. Morale is great. You have retirement savings to which your employer is contributing. You feel creative, productive and valued. Your boss is not a sexist jerk. Your colleagues are smart and supportive. You want to go to work every day. You feel proud of what you are accomplishing in your job and you feel like your work is actually making a difference in the world.
Doesn't all of that sound better than the alternative, regardless of whether you have a baby? No job is perfect and starting a new job is always stressful but I would put that in your mind as the ideal and strive towards that. You don't have to quit your job before lining up something else but I would work towards getting a new gig. Improving the quality of your work situation will improve the quality of your life.
It sounds like you're settling for this job. You're 30 years old. You don't have to settle.
posted by kat518 at 12:23 PM on October 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
I know it has been said, but it is worth repeating. Taking care of a child while attempting to work from home is pretty much a recipe for disaster. Children are a lot of work, a lot of energy and focus, a lot of brain power, a lot of worry and stress. For the most part all in good ways, but still... kids are exhausting and take as much (if not more) energy as a most full time jobs. Expecting to be able to do both usually means that one (or both) end up not being done very well. Usually in this scenario, because we have more of a vested interest in raising the kid, the job is the one that would take the hit. Your sanity would probably not escape unscathed either...
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:30 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:30 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Listen to ook. I guess there are some, very flexible, jobs where you might be able to be a full-time stay at home parent and also work full time, but I can't imagine what it might be? Best case, you'd need some sort of mother's-helper in-home with you and the baby. Plus, even if you could do it, you'll find you don't want to, because being home and working means not paying attention to the child, so you'll constantly be torn in two directions. Now that my son is 7 I might be able to work a full day with him at home (sometimes, like on a snow day) but he's only now gaining the sort of intellectual independence where I feel comfortable focusing 100% on something else while he plays or reads or watches TV or whatever. Certainly with a toddler it's completely impossible.
All that said, my recommendation is actually to go ahead and get pregnant now, and start taking your time making a good plan for a new job after the baby arrives. Working from home in the early months of pregnancy could be a godsend. Finding a job with a young child in your life is MUCH easier than finding a new job while pregnant or getting a new job and then having to take a couple months off. Also, you may decide that you want to stay in your low-stress position for a while and do the in-home mother's helper route. The flexibility will help you here, but not in the ways that you think.
posted by anastasiav at 12:34 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
All that said, my recommendation is actually to go ahead and get pregnant now, and start taking your time making a good plan for a new job after the baby arrives. Working from home in the early months of pregnancy could be a godsend. Finding a job with a young child in your life is MUCH easier than finding a new job while pregnant or getting a new job and then having to take a couple months off. Also, you may decide that you want to stay in your low-stress position for a while and do the in-home mother's helper route. The flexibility will help you here, but not in the ways that you think.
posted by anastasiav at 12:34 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is a full time job? And you expect to be able to watch an infant/toddler full time at home at the same time? Umm... no. I don't think that would work AT ALL.
If I were in your shoes, I would look for a new job right now, while trying to get pregnant. Who knows which will come first - you could find a new job right away, or it could take awhile. You could get pregnant right away, or it could take years. Either way, you will be moving forward on both fronts.
posted by barnoley at 12:37 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
If I were in your shoes, I would look for a new job right now, while trying to get pregnant. Who knows which will come first - you could find a new job right away, or it could take awhile. You could get pregnant right away, or it could take years. Either way, you will be moving forward on both fronts.
posted by barnoley at 12:37 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would start looking for a new job. It could take years to get pregnant, or you could never get pregnant. You don't know.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:40 PM on October 29, 2013
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:40 PM on October 29, 2013
I don't have kids, but I've done a very non-academic study of the numerous people I know now who've had kids between the ages of 28-32, and the plans they made re: jobs or staying home and finances and spouses and other such things, and--you know, I kinda think you might as well just do it because whatever you do, the reality seems to never actually match what anybody originally planned to do. People who desperately wanted to work end up stay-at-home parents, people who thought working would be too hard end up back at the office crazy relieved to get some time to themselves, people end up getting laid off or getting unexpected job offers or changing careers entirely, just whatever you do go into it flexible and with a healthy emergency fund. Like, 6 months worth of both incomes. At that point, whatever happens, it won't be a disaster. (I'm not a kid person, but I am a person who has helped a lot of people do budgeting. Yay, spreadsheets.)
posted by Sequence at 12:43 PM on October 29, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 12:43 PM on October 29, 2013 [12 favorites]
Here is what I did. I had my baby and took my 12 weeks leave, planning to come back half time to my in the office job. Only...they, and the community needed me to write a grant. So I did it, with my baby on my knees, starting a week or two after birth. Child number 2 I had some big report due...and did that, and then returned to work for half time, but ten of those I worked from home. Child number 3 I was totally remote, but did another grant and then went to 10 hours a week. Not long after I realized that I couldn't do 3 at home and still work so I quit.
I never used daycare - my husband was home during the hours when I had to be at the office. I suggest that you negotiate a period of time after maternity leave where your hours are shorter than now. After that time then see if you need even shorter hours or none, or if you feel you can be full time. Your boss may rather have you part time than to not have you at all.
Child care is expensive and you miss a lot of things. I vote you keep your current job, and maybe do some from the coffee shop where you get dresses up to go.
posted by 101cats at 12:46 PM on October 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
I never used daycare - my husband was home during the hours when I had to be at the office. I suggest that you negotiate a period of time after maternity leave where your hours are shorter than now. After that time then see if you need even shorter hours or none, or if you feel you can be full time. Your boss may rather have you part time than to not have you at all.
Child care is expensive and you miss a lot of things. I vote you keep your current job, and maybe do some from the coffee shop where you get dresses up to go.
posted by 101cats at 12:46 PM on October 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
I work four days a week; three in an office, and one from home. I have a four year old and a seven month old. The seven month old is a delightful and pretty easy kid. I had to put her in daycare on the work-from-home day, because I wasn't getting any work done. Either she was demanding something from me, or I was wanting to cuddle/walk/play whatever with her. It sounds like right now you're doing stuff from home that isn't work, so maybe you could consolidate that into working-with-daycare a couple days and working-with-the-baby for a couple.
Look for a new job right now. Try to get pregnant right now. Whatever happens, happens, and you'll make it work. If you get pregnant first, great, see how it goes with the new job. Especially if you are entitled to some kind of paid maternity leave. If you find a job first, fine, start the new job, wait three or four months, then get work on getting pregnant.
On preview: Sequence is wise. Turns out I would be an awful stay-at-home mom if I had to do it full time. I would also be a guilt ridden mess if I worked full time. I have exactly the right balance for me, but I couldn't have told you that before I had kids.
posted by dpx.mfx at 12:51 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Look for a new job right now. Try to get pregnant right now. Whatever happens, happens, and you'll make it work. If you get pregnant first, great, see how it goes with the new job. Especially if you are entitled to some kind of paid maternity leave. If you find a job first, fine, start the new job, wait three or four months, then get work on getting pregnant.
On preview: Sequence is wise. Turns out I would be an awful stay-at-home mom if I had to do it full time. I would also be a guilt ridden mess if I worked full time. I have exactly the right balance for me, but I couldn't have told you that before I had kids.
posted by dpx.mfx at 12:51 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Hmmmm... you got a lot of things going on!
You seriously need to discuss your ideas with the current co-worker who also watches two children at home while full-time working because I call shenanigans on that one. For the last 2-1/2 years I worked out of my home as my own employer. So much freedom! I worked three days/week and had my child in full-time daycare outside my home on those days. There was no way I could get three full days of billable work done with an infant/toddler to care for. And my home was not big enough to work in with a nanny watching her either. My kids got lots of valuable social interaction at daycare, she loved her carers and one of them continues to babysit for us today (she's now in a different daycare). Part-time was a really nice balance and, yes, I did occasionally get some work done during her home days but we're talking an hour or two, tops.
Here's the thing you gotta do -- throw yourself into the job search. Do not underestimate that value of a company which pays you well (need to start socking away retirement savings and college fund) and intellectually challenges you. I like the idea of really focusing on this for at least six months. If you find something, jump in with both feet and don't look back at this job. And then, have that baby. You ask: Is it kosher...to get pregnant after taking a new job? The answer: hell yes. You are a valuable employee, right? Then you bring value to the company even while gestating and then mothering.
The system is screwed up but you can't change that by not having a baby. A family is important and you will make it work. There are lots of threads on Ask about balancing work and family life. It is not an easy balance and how you do it is very individual. But it can be done.
Get that new job now. Be happier. Things will work out. And you may not "need" more income now but when baby comes you'll have lots of new ways to spend it.
posted by amanda at 12:51 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
You seriously need to discuss your ideas with the current co-worker who also watches two children at home while full-time working because I call shenanigans on that one. For the last 2-1/2 years I worked out of my home as my own employer. So much freedom! I worked three days/week and had my child in full-time daycare outside my home on those days. There was no way I could get three full days of billable work done with an infant/toddler to care for. And my home was not big enough to work in with a nanny watching her either. My kids got lots of valuable social interaction at daycare, she loved her carers and one of them continues to babysit for us today (she's now in a different daycare). Part-time was a really nice balance and, yes, I did occasionally get some work done during her home days but we're talking an hour or two, tops.
Here's the thing you gotta do -- throw yourself into the job search. Do not underestimate that value of a company which pays you well (need to start socking away retirement savings and college fund) and intellectually challenges you. I like the idea of really focusing on this for at least six months. If you find something, jump in with both feet and don't look back at this job. And then, have that baby. You ask: Is it kosher...to get pregnant after taking a new job? The answer: hell yes. You are a valuable employee, right? Then you bring value to the company even while gestating and then mothering.
The system is screwed up but you can't change that by not having a baby. A family is important and you will make it work. There are lots of threads on Ask about balancing work and family life. It is not an easy balance and how you do it is very individual. But it can be done.
Get that new job now. Be happier. Things will work out. And you may not "need" more income now but when baby comes you'll have lots of new ways to spend it.
posted by amanda at 12:51 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Have you talked to your co-workers who have that kind of arrangement about how they do it? Because I'm with everyone else in agreeing that working full time and caring for a child in the way you would probably want to are deeply incompatible. My husband works from home, for his own business, so has an impressive degree of flexibility in his schedule. When I went back to work after the birth of our first child it was obvious that we needed to put the kid in part-time daycare, which escalated to full-time after he was a year old and my husband got busier. And currently our child is in a mornings-only preschool and we've hired a nanny two afternoons a week so he can get work done. I would be VERY interested to hear how your co-worker is managing 2 small children at home and still holding down her job responsibilities--my guess is that either she's doing a lot of work at night OR her full-time job does not actually require 40 hours' worth of her time.
It does save money, but even the expensive city where we live, full-time high-quality infant care is about 1800/month--not chump change, but hardly 30k/year.
That said, I agree that it's easier to get a new job either before you get pregnant or after you have the baby. (Not impossible, just easier). But if you're ready for either--maybe just start trying to get pregnant and also job searching? If you get pregnant right away, stay at your current job another year. If you get a new job before you get pregnant, wait 3 more months and let FMLA kick in. If they happen simultaneously--well, it happens. But I don't think you should plan to stay in a job you don't like, that doesn't pay you well, where morale is terrible, because of the dubious benefits of being able to work without childcare in the end.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 1:07 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
It does save money, but even the expensive city where we live, full-time high-quality infant care is about 1800/month--not chump change, but hardly 30k/year.
That said, I agree that it's easier to get a new job either before you get pregnant or after you have the baby. (Not impossible, just easier). But if you're ready for either--maybe just start trying to get pregnant and also job searching? If you get pregnant right away, stay at your current job another year. If you get a new job before you get pregnant, wait 3 more months and let FMLA kick in. If they happen simultaneously--well, it happens. But I don't think you should plan to stay in a job you don't like, that doesn't pay you well, where morale is terrible, because of the dubious benefits of being able to work without childcare in the end.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 1:07 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: something something: "Unless you have the sort of work-at-home job wherein you are not actually doing much work at all, I can't imagine you would be able to take care of an infant and also hold down a full-time position at the same time."
I have regular duties that fall around the first of the month, think 3 solid days of work. Other than that, I'd say I do about 5 hours of real work a week.
Thanks for all the thoughtful answers, everyone!
posted by coupdefoudre at 1:21 PM on October 29, 2013
I have regular duties that fall around the first of the month, think 3 solid days of work. Other than that, I'd say I do about 5 hours of real work a week.
Thanks for all the thoughtful answers, everyone!
posted by coupdefoudre at 1:21 PM on October 29, 2013
My story: I've been in a job situation kind of like yours. My current job is easy, non-stressful, sufficient but uninspiring pay, no real future career-building prospects; not home-with-baby convenience, but 2-mile commute home-for-lunch-and-feedings kind of convenience. Boy do I hate it. But we've been trying to get pregnant. Guess what? Nothing's happened yet. We've been kind of half-hearted about it though; it's hard to be enthusiastic about change (and sex)when half my life is in a holding pattern.
I've also been sort of background-process keeping my resume out there and sending it out when I see a promising job posting. Guess what? I'll be starting a new job soon. Lots more stress, much longer commute, more responsibility, but lots more money, way better benefits/healthcare, much more positive career prospects, and waaaay more interesting. I think that feeling good about going out the door in the morning will make me much more interested in ever making large life changes like a baby. It will be harder taking care of a kid with less time and energy, but I think I'll be much happier doing it; I think I would have ended up feeling resentful and trapped in a bad job if I'd gotten a kid routine established with my oldjob parameters.
If you're really getting paid to do almost nothing then yes, maybe yours is a situation for which an exception should be made, but seeing the way my mental state has zoomed to the positive related to my career decisions, I'd say go ahead and do that job search!!
posted by aimedwander at 1:30 PM on October 29, 2013
I've also been sort of background-process keeping my resume out there and sending it out when I see a promising job posting. Guess what? I'll be starting a new job soon. Lots more stress, much longer commute, more responsibility, but lots more money, way better benefits/healthcare, much more positive career prospects, and waaaay more interesting. I think that feeling good about going out the door in the morning will make me much more interested in ever making large life changes like a baby. It will be harder taking care of a kid with less time and energy, but I think I'll be much happier doing it; I think I would have ended up feeling resentful and trapped in a bad job if I'd gotten a kid routine established with my oldjob parameters.
If you're really getting paid to do almost nothing then yes, maybe yours is a situation for which an exception should be made, but seeing the way my mental state has zoomed to the positive related to my career decisions, I'd say go ahead and do that job search!!
posted by aimedwander at 1:30 PM on October 29, 2013
I'd say I do about 5 hours of real work a week
Huh. Lucky you. (I guess that explains why the business hasn't made a profit since 2009.... :) Well, that changes my answer for sure; a sinecure like that is pretty much the perfect situation for what you want to do: have a baby and coast with your current job until you and your child are ready to move on.
posted by ook at 1:34 PM on October 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
Huh. Lucky you. (I guess that explains why the business hasn't made a profit since 2009.... :) Well, that changes my answer for sure; a sinecure like that is pretty much the perfect situation for what you want to do: have a baby and coast with your current job until you and your child are ready to move on.
posted by ook at 1:34 PM on October 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
The smartest move is to get pregnant now, and to stay in your current job until after your child is born.
"We want to have a baby." "Our financial situation is stable." Really, those are the only 2 relevant factors.
I got pregnant on the 1st try with my 1st child at your exact age (30) and I'm externally grateful I had all of my babies before age 35. Now that I'm nearly 37, I can honestly say I already feel too old to start having kids (though YMMV of course), yet at age 30 the timing was perfect. A lot could change for you physically in only 6 short years - I gained 15 lbs and developed hypertension, and now I really have to work to stay fit whereas I never had to worry about it before. Everyone talks about age-related declines in female fertility in the later 30s but I honestly don't know many folks who had real problems in that area - over 41 is another story though. I'm of the "start earlier" school of trying to get pregnant (again: as to when to start trying, there are only 2 relevant factors, IMHO.)
"I have a ton of freedom. I rarely have to deal with [boss]. I like my coworkers." Do you realize how incredibly RARE it is to hear someone say that? Good for you. Stay put already! How wonderful that you'll be able to take a nap in your own bed when you feel So.Dead.Tired during your 1st trimester, and you'll be able to barf privately in your own toilet -- all while still collecting a paycheck. Awesome.
Agreeing with everyone who has said you need childcare if you want to really work from home with small kids. About daycare -- it might not seem like it to you now, because you have not yet had any firsthand experiences with it to show you otherwise, but the truth is, daycare is actually a really, really good thing that too often gets an undeservedly bad reputation based on no evidence. Bright Horizons are fantastic nationwide childcare centers that big corporations often partner with for their employee needs (such as emergency backup childcare for Wall Streeters), and Montessori daycares have an incredible educational model that lots of smart folks are super thrilled about. Good luck!
posted by hush at 1:58 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
"We want to have a baby." "Our financial situation is stable." Really, those are the only 2 relevant factors.
I got pregnant on the 1st try with my 1st child at your exact age (30) and I'm externally grateful I had all of my babies before age 35. Now that I'm nearly 37, I can honestly say I already feel too old to start having kids (though YMMV of course), yet at age 30 the timing was perfect. A lot could change for you physically in only 6 short years - I gained 15 lbs and developed hypertension, and now I really have to work to stay fit whereas I never had to worry about it before. Everyone talks about age-related declines in female fertility in the later 30s but I honestly don't know many folks who had real problems in that area - over 41 is another story though. I'm of the "start earlier" school of trying to get pregnant (again: as to when to start trying, there are only 2 relevant factors, IMHO.)
"I have a ton of freedom. I rarely have to deal with [boss]. I like my coworkers." Do you realize how incredibly RARE it is to hear someone say that? Good for you. Stay put already! How wonderful that you'll be able to take a nap in your own bed when you feel So.Dead.Tired during your 1st trimester, and you'll be able to barf privately in your own toilet -- all while still collecting a paycheck. Awesome.
Agreeing with everyone who has said you need childcare if you want to really work from home with small kids. About daycare -- it might not seem like it to you now, because you have not yet had any firsthand experiences with it to show you otherwise, but the truth is, daycare is actually a really, really good thing that too often gets an undeservedly bad reputation based on no evidence. Bright Horizons are fantastic nationwide childcare centers that big corporations often partner with for their employee needs (such as emergency backup childcare for Wall Streeters), and Montessori daycares have an incredible educational model that lots of smart folks are super thrilled about. Good luck!
posted by hush at 1:58 PM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
I was in the same situation...trying to figure out if I should stay at a job that was completely "known" and slightly "coast-able" or try and find something new. I am so glad I stayed with the lamer, easier job. There are so many changes and the first year can be so hard, I can't imagine doing it while working a new job. In addition, I could show up late if the bebe had a doctor's appointment and didn't have to worry about getting approval or taking vacation days. People were really kind when I kept having to take days off because she got colds.
Contrasting that to a friend who started a new job, immediately got pregnant, and didn't qualify for FMLA as a result...it was a bad situation and she was rather bitter about her very minimal maternity leave.
I do agree that it will be hard to work from home with bebe, even if you only end up working five hours a day. But maybe that means you can get a part-time nanny.
posted by avocado_of_merriment at 2:04 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Contrasting that to a friend who started a new job, immediately got pregnant, and didn't qualify for FMLA as a result...it was a bad situation and she was rather bitter about her very minimal maternity leave.
I do agree that it will be hard to work from home with bebe, even if you only end up working five hours a day. But maybe that means you can get a part-time nanny.
posted by avocado_of_merriment at 2:04 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you're doing 5 hours of real work a week, it sounds like you have plenty of time to look for a better gig. You also mentioned that you're concerned about the organization's long-term prospects. Suppose that you decided to stick with this job because you think it will be the best situation when you have a kid. You get pregnant, then the company completely falls apart. I've never been pregnant but I don't think it would be fun to interview for new jobs in my third trimester or immediately post-partum. It wouldn't be the end of the world but it sounds unpleasant and stressful.
At my last job, there were a lot of married women of baby-having age. While I was there, we celebrated three pregnant women with one baby shower. Colleague A was two months pregnant when she got hired so when she had the baby, she hadn't been there long enough to qualify for FMLA immediately post-partum. She used up all of the vacation days she had, worked from home for a little and then when she had been at the organization for 12 months, she took three months FMLA. It wasn't ideal but it wasn't the worst thing in the world either. If you get a job offer while you're pregnant, you might be able to negotiate. If it's an employer worth working for, they'll figure it out.
Colleague B was celebrated at the same baby shower. She quit her gig at our organization for a new job before she had her baby. She felt like it was a crazy idea and it sounded like a crazy idea but it seems like it was the right move for her. She's still working there and her little guy is maybe 3 years old now.
I'm 31 and married so I kind of get where you're coming from. Personally, if I get a new job anytime soon, I don't think I'll start trying to get pregnant until I've been there for three months just so I know that I'll be covered by FMLA. Plus I'll have an opportunity to see if I like the gig and show my colleagues how awesome I am before I have to worry about morning sickness. Obviously YMMV but that's my current thinking. I'm trying to think about decisions like this in terms of what I think is best for me and my future family. Getting a higher paying job with a better title and more security is important for me and my future family.
posted by kat518 at 3:30 PM on October 29, 2013
At my last job, there were a lot of married women of baby-having age. While I was there, we celebrated three pregnant women with one baby shower. Colleague A was two months pregnant when she got hired so when she had the baby, she hadn't been there long enough to qualify for FMLA immediately post-partum. She used up all of the vacation days she had, worked from home for a little and then when she had been at the organization for 12 months, she took three months FMLA. It wasn't ideal but it wasn't the worst thing in the world either. If you get a job offer while you're pregnant, you might be able to negotiate. If it's an employer worth working for, they'll figure it out.
Colleague B was celebrated at the same baby shower. She quit her gig at our organization for a new job before she had her baby. She felt like it was a crazy idea and it sounded like a crazy idea but it seems like it was the right move for her. She's still working there and her little guy is maybe 3 years old now.
I'm 31 and married so I kind of get where you're coming from. Personally, if I get a new job anytime soon, I don't think I'll start trying to get pregnant until I've been there for three months just so I know that I'll be covered by FMLA. Plus I'll have an opportunity to see if I like the gig and show my colleagues how awesome I am before I have to worry about morning sickness. Obviously YMMV but that's my current thinking. I'm trying to think about decisions like this in terms of what I think is best for me and my future family. Getting a higher paying job with a better title and more security is important for me and my future family.
posted by kat518 at 3:30 PM on October 29, 2013
I'd say I do about 5 hours of real work a week.
OH. In that case, keeping the job through pregnancy/young babyhood starts to make more sense. How underpaid are you? Enough that getting a different job would itself pay for daycare? And if your current company went under, would it be a catastrophe or would you be OK while you looked for a job and childcare?
There are definitely benefits to job hunting when you have a better idea of what your expenses and needs as a parent are, and there is certainly a benefit to having a job you can do in your sleep in the early days when your entire brain is consumed with learning how to care for a baby.
On the other hand, you may find that once you have a baby at home, getting out of the house and using a different part of your brain may become much more important to you. As much as I adore my kid, I would never be a full-time stay-at-home mother because I need a substantial amount of kid-free time if I'm going to focus on him when I am home.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 3:55 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
OH. In that case, keeping the job through pregnancy/young babyhood starts to make more sense. How underpaid are you? Enough that getting a different job would itself pay for daycare? And if your current company went under, would it be a catastrophe or would you be OK while you looked for a job and childcare?
There are definitely benefits to job hunting when you have a better idea of what your expenses and needs as a parent are, and there is certainly a benefit to having a job you can do in your sleep in the early days when your entire brain is consumed with learning how to care for a baby.
On the other hand, you may find that once you have a baby at home, getting out of the house and using a different part of your brain may become much more important to you. As much as I adore my kid, I would never be a full-time stay-at-home mother because I need a substantial amount of kid-free time if I'm going to focus on him when I am home.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 3:55 PM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Stay put already! How wonderful that you'll be able to take a nap in your own bed when you feel So.Dead.Tired during your 1st trimester, and you'll be able to barf privately in your own toilet -- all while still collecting a paycheck. Awesome.
This is an incredibly good point. I take back everything else I said before. Be comfortable during your pregnancy! Being able to sleep whenever is quite a luxury.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:33 AM on October 30, 2013 [6 favorites]
This is an incredibly good point. I take back everything else I said before. Be comfortable during your pregnancy! Being able to sleep whenever is quite a luxury.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:33 AM on October 30, 2013 [6 favorites]
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What if you get an awesome new job where you can afford to put your little monster in a great day care?
I'm skeptical that you could work and care for an infant. It's a nice thought, but those little buggers are persistant, they wear you out!
At least explore your options, before deciding to chill where you are.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:04 PM on October 29, 2013 [7 favorites]