Resources on healthy relationships
October 22, 2013 7:39 AM Subscribe
I want to give my niece some resources on what healthy relationships look like. Help me find them.
My parents were crappy at raising kids, and my brother seems to have followed in their footsteps. In part because she was estranged from my brother, my 20-year-old niece lived with me and my partner for about six months earlier this year.
During that time we became concerned about how her boyfriend handled anger and frustration, and the way he talked to her sometimes. Now she lives with him, and yesterday she told me that she had deleted her Facebook account because he had looked through it and decided she was cheating on him, based on some conversations she'd had with a high school friend. She decided to resolve this conflict by just not being on Facebook anymore. She doesn't seem to have any idea how screwed up this is. I'm not surprised; at her age, I didn't have any idea how screwed up certain things were either. I'd like to help her figure it out before she gets too badly hurt.
The thing is, in my experience most people don't respond very well to "we're worried that your boyfriend is at best a jerk and at worst abusive, here's a checklist for figuring out if you're in an abusive relationship." What I'd like to do is write her a letter wishing her and her boyfriend well, and talking about my own challenges as a young adult figuring out how to have healthy relationships, given the mess that is our family. In the letter, I'd like to point her to a couple of resources about what healthy relationships look like. Best if they're on-line, I think, and relatively short. Ideas?
I'd welcome book recommendations as well.
(I also plan to remind her that she's always welcome at our place, and include a couple hundred bucks cash for emergencies. She has no parental support right now.)
My parents were crappy at raising kids, and my brother seems to have followed in their footsteps. In part because she was estranged from my brother, my 20-year-old niece lived with me and my partner for about six months earlier this year.
During that time we became concerned about how her boyfriend handled anger and frustration, and the way he talked to her sometimes. Now she lives with him, and yesterday she told me that she had deleted her Facebook account because he had looked through it and decided she was cheating on him, based on some conversations she'd had with a high school friend. She decided to resolve this conflict by just not being on Facebook anymore. She doesn't seem to have any idea how screwed up this is. I'm not surprised; at her age, I didn't have any idea how screwed up certain things were either. I'd like to help her figure it out before she gets too badly hurt.
The thing is, in my experience most people don't respond very well to "we're worried that your boyfriend is at best a jerk and at worst abusive, here's a checklist for figuring out if you're in an abusive relationship." What I'd like to do is write her a letter wishing her and her boyfriend well, and talking about my own challenges as a young adult figuring out how to have healthy relationships, given the mess that is our family. In the letter, I'd like to point her to a couple of resources about what healthy relationships look like. Best if they're on-line, I think, and relatively short. Ideas?
I'd welcome book recommendations as well.
(I also plan to remind her that she's always welcome at our place, and include a couple hundred bucks cash for emergencies. She has no parental support right now.)
I wonder if they'd be better received if they were more passive examples of what great relationships look like, rather than "read this thing about healthy relationships." I mean, read any AskMe where someone lays down a huge red flag-studded spiel and is immediately confronted with "your SO is grooming you for abuse because of x, y, and z" and "read the Gift of Fear." People get defensive when it's presented like that.
I see on preview that craven_morhead is onto the same idea.
My vote is for Fargo, and the relationship that Marge and Norm Gunderson have. I think it might be one of the sweetest, most supportive, loving relationships I've ever seen in a movie.
posted by phunniemee at 7:47 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
I see on preview that craven_morhead is onto the same idea.
My vote is for Fargo, and the relationship that Marge and Norm Gunderson have. I think it might be one of the sweetest, most supportive, loving relationships I've ever seen in a movie.
posted by phunniemee at 7:47 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think the TV show, Parenthood, shows this a lot. The couples fight but they work it out and respect each other. (Coincidentally the same creator as Friday Night Lights)
posted by dawkins_7 at 7:49 AM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by dawkins_7 at 7:49 AM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Scarleteen is a well-regarded sex ed resource for teens and early 20-somethings that also has a section about healthy relationships, where resources like this healthy relationships quiz are linked. You could casually link her to Scarleteen in general, if you are trying to avoid an intimidating "I think you are in an abusive relationship" message.
And by the way, if at 20 I'd received a letter from my aunt about her own challenges as a young adult trying to have healthy relationships... I definitely would have received that as "I think your relationship is unhealthy." Unless this kind of letter is really already in character for you, maybe consider another way to frame your links, if you want to be subtle about this?
posted by snorkmaiden at 8:21 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
And by the way, if at 20 I'd received a letter from my aunt about her own challenges as a young adult trying to have healthy relationships... I definitely would have received that as "I think your relationship is unhealthy." Unless this kind of letter is really already in character for you, maybe consider another way to frame your links, if you want to be subtle about this?
posted by snorkmaiden at 8:21 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
The Paul Giamatti movie Win Win, directed by the guy who made The Station Agent, shows a healthy relationship even in the midst of some ethically questionable stuff. It's about a high school wrestler who is in a crappy family situation and ends up staying with Giamatti, his wife (played by Amy Ryan) and their family.
Giamatti and Ryan do a great job of just being real people who sometimes do stupid things and have to deal with the consequences. But they talk about it and get through it (in a way that isn't boring on camera...). Amy Ryan, in particular, has several scenes with the kid -- who is a real wrestler who had never acted before, and is quite good -- that feel warm without being fake.
I think she could enjoy the movie quite a bit, particularly seeing how the kid works through his issues -- including what happens when he finds out that Giamatti's character may not be 100% truthful. Overall, it's just a quiet, enjoyable movie that I'd recommend to anyone.
I also think Marshall and Lily on How I Met Your Mother are a pretty good example. They're very much in love, but they still have their own lives and personalities. They support each other through highs and lows, even though it's tough sometimes. I do like seeing JUST ONE couple on TV that didn't seem to follow the standard cliches of life being over/boring when you get married.
posted by Madamina at 8:24 AM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
Giamatti and Ryan do a great job of just being real people who sometimes do stupid things and have to deal with the consequences. But they talk about it and get through it (in a way that isn't boring on camera...). Amy Ryan, in particular, has several scenes with the kid -- who is a real wrestler who had never acted before, and is quite good -- that feel warm without being fake.
I think she could enjoy the movie quite a bit, particularly seeing how the kid works through his issues -- including what happens when he finds out that Giamatti's character may not be 100% truthful. Overall, it's just a quiet, enjoyable movie that I'd recommend to anyone.
I also think Marshall and Lily on How I Met Your Mother are a pretty good example. They're very much in love, but they still have their own lives and personalities. They support each other through highs and lows, even though it's tough sometimes. I do like seeing JUST ONE couple on TV that didn't seem to follow the standard cliches of life being over/boring when you get married.
posted by Madamina at 8:24 AM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
If direct messages to her about this are unlikely to work, can you invest in getting her involved in some activity or hobby or something that would help her gain confidence and strength and improve her feelings of self worth so that maybe she would be more likely to come to the realization herself that she is worth more than the shitty boyfriend she has? The more impowered and confident she feels, the less crap she'd put up with in her relationship, or so I hope.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:25 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:25 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: It's not too out of character; I'm a big letter-writer and "our family sucks amirite" was a topic during the time she lived with us. I think it would actually be more weird to recommend movies than to be a bit more direct; your responses make me wonder if I don't just need to be direct enough to say that we're a little worried.
posted by not that girl at 9:19 AM on October 22, 2013
posted by not that girl at 9:19 AM on October 22, 2013
I think a "we're a little worried, and our family sucks amirite, so here are some resources" letter makes more sense and would be easier to receive gracefully than "I wish you and your boyfriend well, and by the way our family sucks amirite, so here are some resources". On reflection, I think my reaction to your letter idea was partly about the "wishing her and her boyfriend well" part. It seems a little disingenuous, you know? Of course it depends on her personality and your relationship and so on, but maybe a gentle but direct approach would be a good thing.
posted by snorkmaiden at 9:33 AM on October 22, 2013
posted by snorkmaiden at 9:33 AM on October 22, 2013
If you have a history of being a letter writer, and you and she have acknoweldged that the family sucks.
THAT IS YOUR IN.
Bring up the family sucking thing, and then segue in to "I am just worried that all the dysfunction in our family hasn't affected how you define a good/healthy relationship and that maybe you aren't valuing yourself as much as you should be. I have been thinking back on my past and how I was when I was your age, and I know that the negative influence from our family had me putting up with some pretty fucked up situations that I know now were really unhealthy for me. I think I figured that as long as it was better than what I saw in my family growing up it must be okay. I feel like I'm lucky to have gotten out of some of those relationships relatively unharmed.
I've been seeing things and you have told me things that definitely have worried me. I'm worried that you are putting up with some pretty controlling behaviour, and because of the influence of our shitty family you aren't fully acknowledging how not-right it is. You are a strong, compassionate, intelligent woman and you deserve great things in your life. All I ask is that you really think over whether your ideas of what healthy relationships are and aren't.".
Choose your language, decide how heavy handed you wish to be. The bold/italics part in the first paragraph is, in my opinion, key. The issue isn't "Your boyfriend is a shit head", it is "I know personally how effed up my ideas of what a healthy, normal relationship is when I was your age, and I just want to make sure you aren't having the same distorted view of relationships that I had." I sort of think it doesn't matter if that is true or not, it doesn't matter whether you actually had this issue. The point is that you are more relateable and it is about you and her, NOT her boyfriend. Tell her about YOUR experiences and how you learned from them and what realizations you made about relationships and love and what is and isn't okay behaviour to put up with. Tell her about the differences between those old dysfunctional relationships and your current (presumably healthy) one. At that point, if she is receptive and hearing you out, you could point her towards resources to help her step back and see things more clearly and objectively.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:35 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
THAT IS YOUR IN.
Bring up the family sucking thing, and then segue in to "I am just worried that all the dysfunction in our family hasn't affected how you define a good/healthy relationship and that maybe you aren't valuing yourself as much as you should be. I have been thinking back on my past and how I was when I was your age, and I know that the negative influence from our family had me putting up with some pretty fucked up situations that I know now were really unhealthy for me. I think I figured that as long as it was better than what I saw in my family growing up it must be okay. I feel like I'm lucky to have gotten out of some of those relationships relatively unharmed.
I've been seeing things and you have told me things that definitely have worried me. I'm worried that you are putting up with some pretty controlling behaviour, and because of the influence of our shitty family you aren't fully acknowledging how not-right it is. You are a strong, compassionate, intelligent woman and you deserve great things in your life. All I ask is that you really think over whether your ideas of what healthy relationships are and aren't.".
Choose your language, decide how heavy handed you wish to be. The bold/italics part in the first paragraph is, in my opinion, key. The issue isn't "Your boyfriend is a shit head", it is "I know personally how effed up my ideas of what a healthy, normal relationship is when I was your age, and I just want to make sure you aren't having the same distorted view of relationships that I had." I sort of think it doesn't matter if that is true or not, it doesn't matter whether you actually had this issue. The point is that you are more relateable and it is about you and her, NOT her boyfriend. Tell her about YOUR experiences and how you learned from them and what realizations you made about relationships and love and what is and isn't okay behaviour to put up with. Tell her about the differences between those old dysfunctional relationships and your current (presumably healthy) one. At that point, if she is receptive and hearing you out, you could point her towards resources to help her step back and see things more clearly and objectively.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:35 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
Definitely be direct. Frame it as how you trust her to make her own decisions and you have a little more life experience so you're anxious that this guy looks like those guys, and you hope you're wrong, and you want her to be happy. And if this guy makes her truly happy you absolutely support that.
Let her know that whatever she decides to do, you love her and support her and will be there. To listen, to house her, to help her plan a wedding, whatever she needs. Promise her that if he turns out to be one of those guys, you won't ever say "I told you so" or even remind her that this conversation happened.
Remind her that if she's uncomfortable with the way he behaves in the relationship, it's not her job to change him. Remind her that she can leave any relationship for any reason and she'll never have to have "enough" cause for concern to get out. Remind her that she can tell you anything and you will believe her. (Do I need to remind you how many abusers say "nobody will ever believe you if you tell?" I wish I did, but I don't think I do.)
And while you're having a chat with (writing a letter to) her, cue up this video about sliding vs deciding. Tell her you're so proud of the decisions she's made (school, career, paying all her bills on time, every success she has manifested, spell them out!) and ask her what you can do to help her keep making good decisions.
If she watches the video, she will connect moving in with this guy as a possible "slide" and it will be up to her to move herself more in the direction of deciding. She may not decide to decide any time in the near future. But the video will percolate.
Do not, under any circumstances, tell her that this guy is a jerk or will hurt her. That information might get back to him and if he is one of those guys, he will likely use it to isolate her, by setting up an "us vs them" dynamic where you are the them and he will make sure she understands that you don't know how strong his love is for her, etc etc grooming 101.
Also, do not tell her that she is failing at something, or appears to be failing at something. Keep it about what she is totally rocking and how she will continue to kick life's ass and win. And keep it about how you support her. Do not give him the tools to isolate her.
Having a target that already feels like a failure is a victimizer's most helpful leg up. Having a target that is on shaky ground with their support network (or has no support network) is a close second.
Do not do his work for him. Please.
posted by bilabial at 9:41 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
Let her know that whatever she decides to do, you love her and support her and will be there. To listen, to house her, to help her plan a wedding, whatever she needs. Promise her that if he turns out to be one of those guys, you won't ever say "I told you so" or even remind her that this conversation happened.
Remind her that if she's uncomfortable with the way he behaves in the relationship, it's not her job to change him. Remind her that she can leave any relationship for any reason and she'll never have to have "enough" cause for concern to get out. Remind her that she can tell you anything and you will believe her. (Do I need to remind you how many abusers say "nobody will ever believe you if you tell?" I wish I did, but I don't think I do.)
And while you're having a chat with (writing a letter to) her, cue up this video about sliding vs deciding. Tell her you're so proud of the decisions she's made (school, career, paying all her bills on time, every success she has manifested, spell them out!) and ask her what you can do to help her keep making good decisions.
If she watches the video, she will connect moving in with this guy as a possible "slide" and it will be up to her to move herself more in the direction of deciding. She may not decide to decide any time in the near future. But the video will percolate.
Do not, under any circumstances, tell her that this guy is a jerk or will hurt her. That information might get back to him and if he is one of those guys, he will likely use it to isolate her, by setting up an "us vs them" dynamic where you are the them and he will make sure she understands that you don't know how strong his love is for her, etc etc grooming 101.
Also, do not tell her that she is failing at something, or appears to be failing at something. Keep it about what she is totally rocking and how she will continue to kick life's ass and win. And keep it about how you support her. Do not give him the tools to isolate her.
Having a target that already feels like a failure is a victimizer's most helpful leg up. Having a target that is on shaky ground with their support network (or has no support network) is a close second.
Do not do his work for him. Please.
posted by bilabial at 9:41 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
By all means, write her a letter if that feels right to you. The great thing about that is that it gives her a chance to mull over your words and her feelings about them at her own pace.
But I've gotta say that the most insightful breakthroughs for me and my niece (there are some similar/relevant circumstances there) are the little moments where she opens up while we were driving, talking a walk, doing some sort of chore together, etc. -- typically after asking me some left-field hypothetical question as a pretext and test-shot. (As described in this Parenting article, which is aimed at younger children, but same principle.)
Something else I found suprisingly insightful regarding my reactions to things she says or does, and how to approach giving advice, was this article about rethinking approaches to school discipline based on research around the adverse childhood experiences (ACE) study and the impact of "toxic stress." Obviously the context described there is quite different regarding the role of authority figures, but it gave me a lot to think about.
posted by desuetude at 10:14 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
But I've gotta say that the most insightful breakthroughs for me and my niece (there are some similar/relevant circumstances there) are the little moments where she opens up while we were driving, talking a walk, doing some sort of chore together, etc. -- typically after asking me some left-field hypothetical question as a pretext and test-shot. (As described in this Parenting article, which is aimed at younger children, but same principle.)
Something else I found suprisingly insightful regarding my reactions to things she says or does, and how to approach giving advice, was this article about rethinking approaches to school discipline based on research around the adverse childhood experiences (ACE) study and the impact of "toxic stress." Obviously the context described there is quite different regarding the role of authority figures, but it gave me a lot to think about.
posted by desuetude at 10:14 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've worked with teens with abusive backgrounds, and they have responded really well to the Teen Power & Control Wheel and the Teen Equality Wheel (both PDFs). I think they really liked that these were presented as "rules," as objectively bad (or good) behaviors, no matter the context.
At 20, she may also want the adult versions (Power and Control Wheel, Equality Wheel).
I've found that young-ish people have been pretty receptive to the idea of there being rules for behavior that they just never learned, and all the teens I've worked with have been very grateful for someone explicitly giving them those rules. (I also always ask the clients if they themselves engage in any of the power & controlling behaviors, and brainstorm healthier alternatives if appropriate.)
posted by jaguar at 10:28 AM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
At 20, she may also want the adult versions (Power and Control Wheel, Equality Wheel).
I've found that young-ish people have been pretty receptive to the idea of there being rules for behavior that they just never learned, and all the teens I've worked with have been very grateful for someone explicitly giving them those rules. (I also always ask the clients if they themselves engage in any of the power & controlling behaviors, and brainstorm healthier alternatives if appropriate.)
posted by jaguar at 10:28 AM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
And I only asked my clients for examples of healthy relationships once they had read and discussed the Equality Wheel -- I think it's more helpful to have the "rules" in your head first when you're evaluating the relationships around you, if you haven't been exposed to healthy relationships very much in your life.
posted by jaguar at 10:38 AM on October 22, 2013
posted by jaguar at 10:38 AM on October 22, 2013
I've always liked the book How to be an Adult in Relationships, as snarky as that title is. Perhaps you could scan a chapter or two for her?
posted by k8lin at 11:35 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by k8lin at 11:35 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
When I travel back 20 or so years in my head and ask college-age desuetude to comment, she sarcastically replies, "How it is that slogging through solving a page of college algebra problems is an important educational process that I must experience for myself, but the answer to who I should date and how I should feel about it is something you can just flip to the back of the book and tell me?"
Thus, I tread very carefully with anything that smacks too much of "you can just learn from my experiences because I don't want you to have the regrets that I do." I remember so keenly how I resented that, and what a catch-22 it caused. Because a) fuck you I'm not you, but b) I wanted to make my own decisions, my own way, measure the risk and consequences myself, and sometimes I was okay with it hurting. But after getting the "when I was your age/you'll regret it" speech, I couldn't very well ask that person help in untangling how I felt without it being taken as an acknowledgment of failure. Well, I could have, if they could have helped me think things through for myself rather than being invested in being "right." That's not entirely fair, but it's really tricky sometimes to be self-aware about how conflicted and complicated it is to be emotionally invested in someone else's well-being. I find it useful to be up front about that.
posted by desuetude at 11:56 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Thus, I tread very carefully with anything that smacks too much of "you can just learn from my experiences because I don't want you to have the regrets that I do." I remember so keenly how I resented that, and what a catch-22 it caused. Because a) fuck you I'm not you, but b) I wanted to make my own decisions, my own way, measure the risk and consequences myself, and sometimes I was okay with it hurting. But after getting the "when I was your age/you'll regret it" speech, I couldn't very well ask that person help in untangling how I felt without it being taken as an acknowledgment of failure. Well, I could have, if they could have helped me think things through for myself rather than being invested in being "right." That's not entirely fair, but it's really tricky sometimes to be self-aware about how conflicted and complicated it is to be emotionally invested in someone else's well-being. I find it useful to be up front about that.
posted by desuetude at 11:56 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you're a letter writer then do that...however if he's checking her Facebook then he may also check her mail and/or email so speaking with her directly may be better.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:35 PM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 12:35 PM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
If she's a reader, there's a bunch of books (fiction) that have good and bad relationships. I always rec it, but Lois McMaster Bujold's Komarr and A Civil Campaign are SF with a fairly decent portrayal of that kind of gaslighting accusatory BS relationship AND a healthy one.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:30 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by geek anachronism at 3:30 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
First of all, kudos to you for thinking about such things! Your niece is certainly lucky to have adults in her life who love her enough to be concerned. Here are some things I found interesting, although since I found these on my own it was well beyond 20 yrs of age but they were still useful/fun! Here goes-
* How to be an adult This one because you really have to be a healthy adult before you can be a healthy adult in a relationship. Both books are great but I think being a healthy person is a good first start.
* The Girl's Guide to Absolutely Everything This was a very fun and informative reading for me although like I mentioned, I was well over 20 when I read this and had picked up a lot of stuff on my own anyway. I think the financial part was very helpful, and here is a primer if you like. I would also recommend giving her at least this book as a birthday gift. I would actually love it if I could still get this one as a gift now in my thirties (yup, I am that big a fan)!!!
Finally, you could share thoughtful messages in different forms, not necessarily as a way of saying, "I think you should know about this..." but as in "I found X to be very motivational because I was really struck with the empathy and compassion (or any other quality you want her to learn/be more aware of) that came across". There are a lot of youtube videos that do the same and when I come across something that can be of a learning value, I always make it a point to share with younger loved one so they might pick up on that too.
posted by xm at 4:06 PM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
* How to be an adult This one because you really have to be a healthy adult before you can be a healthy adult in a relationship. Both books are great but I think being a healthy person is a good first start.
* The Girl's Guide to Absolutely Everything This was a very fun and informative reading for me although like I mentioned, I was well over 20 when I read this and had picked up a lot of stuff on my own anyway. I think the financial part was very helpful, and here is a primer if you like. I would also recommend giving her at least this book as a birthday gift. I would actually love it if I could still get this one as a gift now in my thirties (yup, I am that big a fan)!!!
Finally, you could share thoughtful messages in different forms, not necessarily as a way of saying, "I think you should know about this..." but as in "I found X to be very motivational because I was really struck with the empathy and compassion (or any other quality you want her to learn/be more aware of) that came across". There are a lot of youtube videos that do the same and when I come across something that can be of a learning value, I always make it a point to share with younger loved one so they might pick up on that too.
posted by xm at 4:06 PM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks, folks, this has been really helpful in thinking about how to go forward.
posted by not that girl at 8:51 PM on October 23, 2013
posted by not that girl at 8:51 PM on October 23, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by craven_morhead at 7:45 AM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]