A newish form of a lack of social skills

October 21, 2013 7:34 AM

I no longer know how to end a phone call. I feel like an idiot. How do I gracefully get off the phone like a normal human.

I've lost the rhythm of normal phone-based interactions.

I send too many emails and have far too few phone conversations due to the way my work is set up. I'm now in the position of having these occasional professional phone calls and not knowing how to get off the phone. And I mean at the highly detail level -- that last few seconds where there's a pause and then an 'Okay, talk to you next week' or whatever -- I keep feeling like I'm startling people even though all of the cues exist that we both know the call is about to end, like I've somehow been rude even though technically, I'm saying the correct lines. The feeling is sort of like when two people are going through the door at the same time -- that type of awkwardness.

This is true whether the person works for me, whether I work for them, whether we are on the same team, or not. Etc.

It is less common if I'm in a meeting or running a meeting -- in that case, it's pretty much 'All right, guys. This has been helpful. Thanks everyone." and then everyone starts goodbyeing and thanking and hanging up in a series of beeps.

For context, these are conversations that are in professional-friendly. Generally there's a purpose to the calls, but a little friendly chatter thrown in. I'm not sure whether or not I'm asking for a script, because as far as I know, I'm following a script.

tl/dr: how can I be less of a dork when signing off on the phone?

posted by A Terrible Llama to Human Relations (27 answers total)

Instead of "Okay, talk to you next week," try "Okay, unless you have anything else..." and just trail off. That tells the other person "Llama is done, so now is the time for me to bring up anything else." From there, you do a quick summation and say good-bye.
posted by Etrigan at 7:37 AM on October 21, 2013 [4 favorites]

I usually just end with "Well, I'm going to let you go now. I will talk to you next week!"
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:41 AM on October 21, 2013 [7 favorites]

"I think we've covered it, but is there anything else you need to talk to me about?"
[negative answer]
"OK, thanks very much, take care, talk to you soon!"
[similar response]
"Bye"
"Bye"

Or just,
"OK?"
same as above

Or if you really just want to end:
"Listen, I really need to run, have we covered everything?"
etc.
posted by beagle at 7:41 AM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

I always say, "Okay, I'm going to let you go now," which makes my friends laugh sometimes, but it closes the call pretty well.
posted by xingcat at 7:48 AM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I'm getting the words right, I think. I keep feeling like I'm going too fast. Something about what I'm doing is abrupt, even though the scripts cited above are scripts I've used. The words I'm using are the right words.

I think I spend so much time typing, I'm over-thinking it and I'm basically just "acting weird" but don't know how to stop.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:49 AM on October 21, 2013

I also always end with "Okay, I'll let you go now" and either "Great chatting!" or "Thanks for your call!".
posted by Dragonness at 7:50 AM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Back when I was an AM, I would always ask, "Hey, so what else can we do for you?" and that would either bring up another item, or prompt my client to say, "I think that's everything!." And then I'd do a quick rundown of action items, give an update time/date for all, and tell them to have a good week/day/weekend, whatever.

(I sometimes really miss being an AM!)
posted by mochapickle at 7:50 AM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm getting the words right, I think. I keep feeling like I'm going too fast. Something about what I'm doing is abrupt, even though the scripts cited above are scripts I've used. The words I'm using are the right words.

When I'm on business calls, I very frequently do feel like the end is very abrupt, but I've just had to get used to that. You're talking, you're talking, you cover all the points, and then you use words like these to say "ok, is there anything else left unsaid? No? Ok then bye." There's really no natural wind-down to be had a lot of the time, because by definition you either have more to talk about or you don't, and there's generally not a lot of middle ground.
posted by Tomorrowful at 7:53 AM on October 21, 2013

Response by poster: Trying not to threadsit but I know this is weird so I'm trying to get the details right:

So here is an example:

1. I'll say 'Okay, well that about covers it for me. Anything else on your end?'
2. And they'll say, 'Nope, I'm good.'
3. And then I'll say 'All right then, talk to you later.'
4. And then our 'byes' will somehow....collide. It's that last step. And I know it's weird, because I can hear it in the person's voice, like I've put the check on the table before they were ready or something.

Somewhere in the 3 to 4 zone is a five second pause I'm failing to master or something, and I am throwing off normal humans.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:54 AM on October 21, 2013

I think the problem is that it's not just you. I've had several professional phone calls recently that ended awkwardly because we talked over each other at the end or had awkward pauses. And I think that's because other people are getting less good at phone cues, too.

I've consciously tried the whole "smile while talking" thing that folks used to say we should use at the beginning of the call, only at the end. I figure as long as I sound friendly as we bumble, it'll make each of us feel a little better about it.
posted by ldthomps at 7:55 AM on October 21, 2013 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: When I'm on business calls, I very frequently do feel like the end is very abrupt, but I've just had to get used to that. You're talking, you're talking, you cover all the points, and then you use words like these to say "ok, is there anything else left unsaid? No? Ok then bye." There's really no natural wind-down to be had a lot of the time, because by definition you either have more to talk about or you don't, and there's generally not a lot of middle ground.

YES! That is it.

Is this something I could get better at, or is this just another low-level bit of awkwardness to embrace?
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:56 AM on October 21, 2013

To respond to your update, yeah, if you say "talk to you later", it's on them to say "bye". Waiting for that can be awkward, though, so you might just try, "talk to you later, then, bye!"

That way they Know the check is now theirs.
posted by ldthomps at 7:56 AM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

I find it very comforting when someone takes charge in that end of phone call akwardness so now I've just taken charge of it. Everyone wants to get off the phone. We've all said our thank you's (even if we said them over eachother. Just say "Bye" pause for .5 seconds to give them a chance to reciprocate or object and then hang up the phone.
posted by magnetsphere at 7:59 AM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think I have the same problem in many ways; the issue with talking on the phone is that you don't have all the visual cues you get in person and it's not turn-based like email so you get a lot of "No no, that's fine, you go first". This tends to be just an issue of not being able to figure out whose turn it is. The way to solve this I think is to provide as much information as possible about whose turn it is to talk to make up for the missing visual cues (NB I am not good at all on the phone because I get so anxious when I don't have the in-person cues like nodding or laughing or eye contact so take my advice for what you will).

The best thing I can recommend is just talking more slowly and breathing a lot as you sign off. When it's time for the call to end, wait for them to pause so that you can establish that it's your turn. When it's clearly your turn (don't be afraid to wait for a few seconds!), say something like you've been saying to give them the chance to ask any further questions. This establishes that it's basically time to be done without just randomly saying "Goodbye" in the middle of another interaction. When you say something like "another other questions?" or "anything else?" that establishes that it's their turn, then your turn, then it's over.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:00 AM on October 21, 2013

Lots of people have this problem.

Socially, I know at least two people who end phone calls by saying "Bye.. bye.. bye. bye.." rapidly, which sounds funny to my ears.

The world, I think, divides into people who put the phone down first most times and those people who wait. It sounds like you're a person who waits. People who put down the phone first just feel less awkward about it. I like more abrupt callers if they're not rude. Time is precious.

Signal the end of the call like you would an email. Three failsafe options that can be combined if you wish: Say thanks, refer to the next time you'll see them or wish them well. E.g:

- "That's great, Jane. Thanks very much. Take care." Click
- "Anything else we need to cover? No? OK, speak to you soon, Jane." Click
- "Thank you all for dialling in. I'll circulate minutes tomorrow. Take care, everyone and thank you for your time." Click
posted by MuffinMan at 8:01 AM on October 21, 2013

A Terrible Llama:
1. I'll say 'Okay, well that about covers it for me. Anything else on your end?'
2. And they'll say, 'Nope, I'm good.'
3. And then I'll say 'All right then, talk to you later.'

4. Wait 1-2 seconds.
5. If they say 'Bye" you say 'Bye' and hang up. If they do not say anything, hang up.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:05 AM on October 21, 2013 [3 favorites]

From your example, it sounds like you're missing an appreciation step. Thank them, either for their help or their time or their agreement to do for you what you asked them to do. "I appreciate your time, Stan, let's talk later." I find a thank you of some sort before a goodbye makes it feel less abrupt.
posted by cecic at 8:12 AM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think the problem is that it's not just you. I've had several professional phone calls recently that ended awkwardly because we talked over each other at the end or had awkward pauses. And I think that's because other people are getting less good at phone cues, too.

Totally agree with idthomps. It's happening to me too and I've always been pretty good at giving phone. One of the potential factors I've also considered is the delay often found in VOIP transmissions. I don't think voice communications are as tightly time-synced as in the pre-VOIP days (in general) and that affects nuances in timing.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 8:27 AM on October 21, 2013 [4 favorites]

Please don't use "I'll let you go now." Maybe it was funny and effective 20 years ago, but to this recipient, it sounds like a transparent attempt by the other party to get off the phone with me while presenting it as a benefit... much like irritating salesman patter or the offer of something profitable to a company (e.g., an overpriced warranty, car dealer-provided financing, etc.) that is allegedly in my best interest. If you have to get off the phone, just say so.
posted by carmicha at 8:29 AM on October 21, 2013 [4 favorites]

Most of my calls seem to have another step between your 2 and 3.
Person 1: So.ooo ....Oh-kayyyyy.....
Person 2: Yaahh...Okaaayyyy...
Person 1: (smiley voice) Ok, then... great talking to you, blah blah
and then the good byes.
Somehow that "nothing" step in there performs that there really is nothing left to say, and everyone knows the call is over. YMMV.
posted by third rail at 8:36 AM on October 21, 2013

I think between the fact that ALL of us are using more non-voice communications and the fact that more and more of the phone conversations we ARE having are with someone who's reading a script, it's a strangely declining social skill. If it makes you feel better, I doubt the other person is shaking their head at you. If they think about it at all, they should feel as awkward as you do, not blame you.

If you're missing anything, as others have said (and I tend to miss it, too), it's some sort of upbeat phrase that signals the end. The part of the conversation that has been carried on to solve the problem or whatever is over, now what? Anything you say seems superfluous, but it's necessary socially. Some form of "have I covered everything?" always seems like a cringefest to me (whether giving or receiving), but without it you might miss something, so bite the bullet and say

"OK, thanks for calling; anything else [we need to cover/I can do for you/we missed]?"

Usually that gets a semi-awkward form of "no."

And close with something even more banal, like "OK, then - have a great day! Bye!" and then pause a second for a "bye" that may or may not even come, if it's a commercial call, and regardless, it's okay to hang up at that, after a second or so. You've signaled that you think you've done what the call was intended to do, they've agreed, and even if you feel like you're not getting the handshake that signals "it's okay to end the call," it really is.
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:43 AM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

After you say in step 3, "I'll talk to you later," don't say anything. Let them say respond as a confirmation. They will say, "OK, bye" or "later" or something to confirm the call in ending. And then you can say "bye" and hang up. If they don't confirm within like 2 seconds, which would be weird on their part, just say "bye" and hang up.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:47 AM on October 21, 2013

And close with something even more banal, like "OK, then - have a great day! Bye!"

Please don't tell me what kind of day to have.

I guess I'm old school assertive because I've never had that much trouble ending a phone call, but I have noticed what hapax_legomenon observes ...

the delay often found in VOIP transmissions. I don't think voice communications are as tightly time-synced as in the pre-VOIP days (in general) and that affects nuances in timing.

Final thought (easy to say, hard to do): remember that's another human you're talking to, with a complex life etc. Allowing that extra breath (or half-breath) of time to go by before terminating the call goes a long way toward acknowledging this (ie: give them the last word if they need it).
posted by philip-random at 10:00 AM on October 21, 2013

A lot of it has to do with the rhythm/pacing, pitch and enunciation.
posted by kinoeye at 2:11 PM on October 21, 2013

Response by poster: Thanks so much everyone. I'll be trying these different strategies on my awkward phone calls for the next month or so.

If nothing else, even if I can't get it right ultimately, I'm delighted that I'm not the only person with this problem or who has noticed it.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:54 PM on October 21, 2013

I'm doing phone tech support, and I am awesome at everything but ending calls. I get so flustered I either hang around awkwardly, or keep hanging up on people.
I go 'Bye!' and then hit the hangup person, only to realise I've just hung up *while* they were saying 'Bye!'. Fail.

I'd love it if I could listen to a recording of the end of calls, with a little 'hangup' button I have to press at the appropriate time, and then get marked for hanging up too early, or too late. Maybe with conscious practice I would get back at in.

I usually finish with:
Is there anything else I can help you with? No. Ok then, have a great day!
(One-Mississippi, two--Click!-

I wait that one mississippi and a bit for them to say 'Bye!' etc, and if they speak, try to wait til immediately after they speak to hang up (again, sometimes I get flustered and screw this up), but it's ok for them to have the last word. Usually the awkward pause happens if you keep trying to have the last word.
posted by Elysum at 3:59 PM on October 21, 2013

I often have calls where we're doing the verbal equivalent of the stop sign, "You go!" "No after you!" *both drive forward* *both stop* traffic dance I sometimes get into.

I've tried the following and gotten decent results:

They called me:

Me: "Thanks for calling, I hope I helped. Please feel free to call me back if you have any other questions."
Them: "Ok, thanks. Talk to you later."
Me: "Bye!" or "Yep, have a good one" depending on the formality of the call.
Them: either "Bye!" or they hang up.

I called them:
Me: "Thank you so much for your time. That was very helpful."
Them: "Cool, let me know if you need anything else."
Me: "Will do. Thanks, (1 count pause) Bye!"
Them: "Bye" or if they say nothing...
either way, (1 count, 2 count, I hang up).

I wait to hang up if they called me. I hang up first if I called them. Also, smiling as I talk at the end gets less "weirdo" responses.
posted by RogueTech at 10:52 PM on October 27, 2013