Get Me Over the Hump
October 9, 2013 7:27 PM Subscribe
I have by all conservative measures the perfect life: two healthy, beautiful children, a wonderful husband and a good job. The problem? Neither job is making me happy right now. I can't change either, so I need some tips on how to find meaning again.
Both kids are under the age of 4. Husband works long hours. Job (attorney) is in the field I chose, but part-time due to necessity (as in not enough work for me to do full-time). I also do not feel as if I am getting the more interesting and challenging work because I am not there all of the time. This has led to boredom with the things that I do have to do.
Assume that I cannot change jobs since the part-time work gives me flexibility that I do not think I can come close to replicating at another job. Kids are kids and I'm just slogging through the blur to get to the Sweet Spot. I love my children with all of my being, but they are exhausting. I love my husband - he is my best friend with benefits, but I have been finding myself obsessing over other men, all unattainable, including ex's and wondering about the road not chosen.
I want to refocus on the life that I do have. I want to find it as wonderful as it can be, but I don't know where to begin. What are some things I can do to get back to enjoying the life that I do have and not pine for the life that I don't?
Both kids are under the age of 4. Husband works long hours. Job (attorney) is in the field I chose, but part-time due to necessity (as in not enough work for me to do full-time). I also do not feel as if I am getting the more interesting and challenging work because I am not there all of the time. This has led to boredom with the things that I do have to do.
Assume that I cannot change jobs since the part-time work gives me flexibility that I do not think I can come close to replicating at another job. Kids are kids and I'm just slogging through the blur to get to the Sweet Spot. I love my children with all of my being, but they are exhausting. I love my husband - he is my best friend with benefits, but I have been finding myself obsessing over other men, all unattainable, including ex's and wondering about the road not chosen.
I want to refocus on the life that I do have. I want to find it as wonderful as it can be, but I don't know where to begin. What are some things I can do to get back to enjoying the life that I do have and not pine for the life that I don't?
Maybe try listing the things you actually definitely appreciate about what you have? Your list of reasons sounds suspiciously like the reasons you "ought" to enjoy what you have. Maybe what's really great about your husband is that he makes you laugh so hard that milk spurts out of your nose and no one else has made that happen? Maybe you like your part-time hours because sleeping in on a Tuesday and getting to catch up on some really trashy TV show is more or less like being in heaven?
Figuring out the details of what you really actually like about your situation can help you generate solid feelings of satisfaction when temptations to become dissatisfied wander by.
posted by SMPA at 8:03 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Figuring out the details of what you really actually like about your situation can help you generate solid feelings of satisfaction when temptations to become dissatisfied wander by.
posted by SMPA at 8:03 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
You say your husband is wonderful and that you love him, yet you also say you are "obsessing" over other men. I know this is par for the course in long-term marriages, especially when the going gets tough, but I think reconnecting with your husband, stat, is the first thing you need to do to dig yourself out of this emotional quagmire. After all, reconnecting with a long-term partner can be a fun and enlightening thing, and can be baby steps towards finding more meaning in your life.
However, it's not easy, especially when free time is limited. You're an attorney and he works long hours - I assume you have some disposable income. Invest in a babysitter at least once a week and really make date night a priority. I know "date night" can sound hokey, but make it an opportunity to really do something that you two enjoy doing together. Put away the phones, don't talk about work, and focus on each other. If you're both exhausted, you don't need to do anything crazy - eat somewhere casual, or even just go on a drive for a couple hours to talk. Time for just the two of you, together, is so important.
Also, make sure you make time for yourself! You don't mention if you have any hobbies or interests outside of work, but as someone who also does mostly-unstimulating legal work, I find that I derive most of my happiness from a) my family and my husband and b) the small amounts of me time that I carve out for myself every week. It's not easy to find the time, but again, make it a priority because it is so important. Sometimes I do yoga, sometimes I read, sometimes I go clothes shopping, and sometimes I just turn on the TV and do the household budget. But the important thing is that it's an hour here or there for just ME, where I can hear myself think.
Overall, again, even though it's hokey, I think really trying to cultivate gratitude for every day is really important. Looking at things one day at a time is way easier than futuretripping, and you're more likely to come up with epiphanies about what you really want from life when you're somewhat happy and relaxed and not freaking out about the future. You'll probably get there, but there are no guarantees in life, so don't hold out for that "sweet spot" to be happy. Make a conscious choice to be happy today, and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
posted by emily37 at 8:06 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
However, it's not easy, especially when free time is limited. You're an attorney and he works long hours - I assume you have some disposable income. Invest in a babysitter at least once a week and really make date night a priority. I know "date night" can sound hokey, but make it an opportunity to really do something that you two enjoy doing together. Put away the phones, don't talk about work, and focus on each other. If you're both exhausted, you don't need to do anything crazy - eat somewhere casual, or even just go on a drive for a couple hours to talk. Time for just the two of you, together, is so important.
Also, make sure you make time for yourself! You don't mention if you have any hobbies or interests outside of work, but as someone who also does mostly-unstimulating legal work, I find that I derive most of my happiness from a) my family and my husband and b) the small amounts of me time that I carve out for myself every week. It's not easy to find the time, but again, make it a priority because it is so important. Sometimes I do yoga, sometimes I read, sometimes I go clothes shopping, and sometimes I just turn on the TV and do the household budget. But the important thing is that it's an hour here or there for just ME, where I can hear myself think.
Overall, again, even though it's hokey, I think really trying to cultivate gratitude for every day is really important. Looking at things one day at a time is way easier than futuretripping, and you're more likely to come up with epiphanies about what you really want from life when you're somewhat happy and relaxed and not freaking out about the future. You'll probably get there, but there are no guarantees in life, so don't hold out for that "sweet spot" to be happy. Make a conscious choice to be happy today, and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
posted by emily37 at 8:06 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Seconding "date night". My husband and I make sure to go to dinner--somewhere sit-down, not just "grab food and tuck in like zombies"--once a week because he's so busy while he's in grad school. We don't have a formal "no phones" rule but we try to keep all other stimuli put away so we can concentrate on each other and the good time we're having. (We don't have kids, but we would probably need the "us time" more if we did.)
posted by immlass at 8:19 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by immlass at 8:19 PM on October 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Mod note: Constructive helpful answers folks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:26 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:26 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I saw this the other day and it inspired me to take steps to pursue my own happiness. I haven't started yet so YM most definitely MV (as might mine) but I think the process is eminently doable - maybe you'll find something in here of value or interest?
Every day:
Meditate
Identify 3 new things you’re grateful for
One random act of kindness
Journal about one good thing that happened
Exercise
The writer guy bases his 30-day experiment on a TED talk and his conclusion is that the process works.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 8:34 PM on October 9, 2013 [13 favorites]
Every day:
Meditate
Identify 3 new things you’re grateful for
One random act of kindness
Journal about one good thing that happened
Exercise
The writer guy bases his 30-day experiment on a TED talk and his conclusion is that the process works.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 8:34 PM on October 9, 2013 [13 favorites]
do you need the money from your part time job? are there any expenses you could cut to make up for quitting your part time job? if i were you i'd quit. then i'd just rest for a while, and also think about what i really wanted to spend my time on: kids, art, social life, volunteering. or, if you husband is making less money than you are, can he negotiate a (temporary?) reduction in work load so he can help out at home?
but, my initial reaction is that you could cut your part time work since you don't seem to enjoy it anyway. that, our double down on it in the sense that you get a full time attorney job and use the extra funds for a nanny or housekeeper.
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:08 PM on October 9, 2013
but, my initial reaction is that you could cut your part time work since you don't seem to enjoy it anyway. that, our double down on it in the sense that you get a full time attorney job and use the extra funds for a nanny or housekeeper.
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:08 PM on October 9, 2013
Date night with hubby. Try to sleep in one day a week. Take your vitamins. Stay hydrated.
When my very challenging children were little, I discovered that the difference between "I cannot take another minute of this!" and "The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar..." was a 15 minute nap, glass of water, and/or something to eat. When under stress, I still prioritize eating, drinking and resting/sleeping as primary coping mechanisms. When I am doing really poorly and my sons ask me how I am, I sometimes say "Check back after lunch." In other words, if I answer that right this minute, the news is pretty grim. But after I eat and drink we can more realistically asses things.
posted by Michele in California at 9:09 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
When my very challenging children were little, I discovered that the difference between "I cannot take another minute of this!" and "The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar..." was a 15 minute nap, glass of water, and/or something to eat. When under stress, I still prioritize eating, drinking and resting/sleeping as primary coping mechanisms. When I am doing really poorly and my sons ask me how I am, I sometimes say "Check back after lunch." In other words, if I answer that right this minute, the news is pretty grim. But after I eat and drink we can more realistically asses things.
posted by Michele in California at 9:09 PM on October 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
Stress doesn't actually have to be negative - inflexible demands on your time, and an external locus of control (like the requirements of young children or a legal practice where you've traded first choice of tasks for limited hours) are stressful even when you mostly enjoy your job and family. Ambivalence is more common and normal than people admit. ANd less meaningful.
"I want to find it as wonderful as it can be, but I don't know where to begin. What are some things I can do to get back to enjoying the life that I do have and not pine for the life that I don't?"
I think the number one thing you can do is stop pressuring yourself. It's just adding to your general stress and, like willing yourself with gritted teeth to find something really funny or to have an orgasm right NOW, it's probably not going to work.
Go ahead and daydream about the life you don't have, with a violet-eyed hottie polishing your toenails while you eat bonbons, look out the window of your high-rise Manhattan apartment, and research your Supreme Court case. (Or, you know, whatever your thing is.) If you treat it as pure daydream, and keep it in that realm, it's not "pining" or yearning, it's a harmless pressure release, an utterly private pleasure that takes no money and almost no time. It is not going to hurt your appreciation of a sticky hug from one of your little ones, or a brief tender moment with your husband.
posted by gingerest at 10:31 PM on October 9, 2013
"I want to find it as wonderful as it can be, but I don't know where to begin. What are some things I can do to get back to enjoying the life that I do have and not pine for the life that I don't?"
I think the number one thing you can do is stop pressuring yourself. It's just adding to your general stress and, like willing yourself with gritted teeth to find something really funny or to have an orgasm right NOW, it's probably not going to work.
Go ahead and daydream about the life you don't have, with a violet-eyed hottie polishing your toenails while you eat bonbons, look out the window of your high-rise Manhattan apartment, and research your Supreme Court case. (Or, you know, whatever your thing is.) If you treat it as pure daydream, and keep it in that realm, it's not "pining" or yearning, it's a harmless pressure release, an utterly private pleasure that takes no money and almost no time. It is not going to hurt your appreciation of a sticky hug from one of your little ones, or a brief tender moment with your husband.
posted by gingerest at 10:31 PM on October 9, 2013
Hello! Fellow lawyer and mom of little kids here. I totally sympathize with you. I go through phases like that too. It's tough, feeling like all you do is work and take care of the kids and the house and you're exhausted all the time.
Carving out relaxation time for yourself is a necessity. Negotiate it with your husband if necessary. Can he take care of the kids one night a week, or one weekend morning, so you can do whatever you want by yourself?
With the job, even if you think you can't find anything better, it can't hurt to look around, right? At least the networking would be good even if it doesn't lead to a new job.
But mostly, just sending you hugs. I know you'll find your way back.
posted by chickenmagazine at 3:39 AM on October 10, 2013
Carving out relaxation time for yourself is a necessity. Negotiate it with your husband if necessary. Can he take care of the kids one night a week, or one weekend morning, so you can do whatever you want by yourself?
With the job, even if you think you can't find anything better, it can't hurt to look around, right? At least the networking would be good even if it doesn't lead to a new job.
But mostly, just sending you hugs. I know you'll find your way back.
posted by chickenmagazine at 3:39 AM on October 10, 2013
Came here to second adding something to your schedule that's just for you.
Join a gym with child care. That way you can work out while the kids tear ass in the playroom. Bonus, you get time away, and you get to do something just for you.
Schedule a manicure or a massage or something where you can zone out and not think of anything.
Think of fun things to do with the kids that are out of the ordinary. Go to a an apple orchard. Pick apples, drink cider, take a hayride. This is a great time of year to do the Punkin' thing. Go to a patch, pick out punkins. Think about how to carve them. Toast the seeds. This will be the foundation of a ritual you can do with your kids as they grow.
Another thing is to cook with your little-ones. Even if they just sit in high chairs while you narrate what you're doing, cooking is a communal affair and as they get older it's really important for them to understand nutrition and love and how meals make us a family.
Connect with your adult friends, either as couples or with "ladies night". Remembering that you are a grown up with grown up interests and conversation can save your sanity.
Reconnect with your husband. It's hard at this stage of your lives. You've got young children and he's working like an ass, but you both need to have your adult relationship with each other.
As for the job. Yeah, it's kinda dull, but for now, it's a means to an end. Do it to the best of your abilities, and/or, phone it in. Just know that in a couple of years you can re-assess and kick it up when the kids are older and in school. Then your husband can ratchet his work down and you can power up.
It's perfectly normal to be overwhelmed at this stage of the game. It's HARD being a parent. I tip my hat to you. You recognize that you're not loving the whole parenthood situation, and you're looking for ways to make it easier.
The most important relationship to your kids is your marriage, it's the foundation of your family. Nurture that, and everyone will be in a much better space.
Hang in there!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:56 AM on October 10, 2013
Join a gym with child care. That way you can work out while the kids tear ass in the playroom. Bonus, you get time away, and you get to do something just for you.
Schedule a manicure or a massage or something where you can zone out and not think of anything.
Think of fun things to do with the kids that are out of the ordinary. Go to a an apple orchard. Pick apples, drink cider, take a hayride. This is a great time of year to do the Punkin' thing. Go to a patch, pick out punkins. Think about how to carve them. Toast the seeds. This will be the foundation of a ritual you can do with your kids as they grow.
Another thing is to cook with your little-ones. Even if they just sit in high chairs while you narrate what you're doing, cooking is a communal affair and as they get older it's really important for them to understand nutrition and love and how meals make us a family.
Connect with your adult friends, either as couples or with "ladies night". Remembering that you are a grown up with grown up interests and conversation can save your sanity.
Reconnect with your husband. It's hard at this stage of your lives. You've got young children and he's working like an ass, but you both need to have your adult relationship with each other.
As for the job. Yeah, it's kinda dull, but for now, it's a means to an end. Do it to the best of your abilities, and/or, phone it in. Just know that in a couple of years you can re-assess and kick it up when the kids are older and in school. Then your husband can ratchet his work down and you can power up.
It's perfectly normal to be overwhelmed at this stage of the game. It's HARD being a parent. I tip my hat to you. You recognize that you're not loving the whole parenthood situation, and you're looking for ways to make it easier.
The most important relationship to your kids is your marriage, it's the foundation of your family. Nurture that, and everyone will be in a much better space.
Hang in there!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:56 AM on October 10, 2013
Go outside everyday, regardless of weather, for a short walk. Bring a kid, husband, or dog (if you have one). Doesn't matter what time. It's a quick mood lifer and mind-wandering time and you can notice things you haven't before or get some fresh thoughts in your head.
My life greatly improved when I (secretly) adopted the motto "F*ck it" as my approach to my stupid soul sucking job. Now when I'm getting worked up about work, I stop, thing ef it, calm down, and just move on.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:51 AM on October 10, 2013
My life greatly improved when I (secretly) adopted the motto "F*ck it" as my approach to my stupid soul sucking job. Now when I'm getting worked up about work, I stop, thing ef it, calm down, and just move on.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:51 AM on October 10, 2013
You need a vacation. Can you take a vacation? By yourself? For even a couple of days?
Think about getting involved in a pro-bono project that would bring some of what you crave at work into your life.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:44 PM on October 10, 2013
Think about getting involved in a pro-bono project that would bring some of what you crave at work into your life.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:44 PM on October 10, 2013
« Older Why do electric fans lose their effectiveness? | Calorie counting app for iphone that doesn't... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
That is not to say you don't have a lot to be thankful for, because you do, but the first step to gratitude is realizing that your blessings are a lot of work at the moment. I remember a cat poster I saw decades ago, of a mother cat with kittens all over her and the caption saying "Lord give me the strength to endure my blessings..."
It's a tough season of life, is all. But I promise you it isn't a forever season. Most of us who are in or who have been in the stage of small children do look back, consciously or unconsciously, at our former, seemingly more carefree life, and miss it.
But from my perspective here in my fifties, you have so much to look forward to.
As to how to get the spark back, step one is carving out margin. You need some time to yourself to think and BE. That isn't a luxury, mama, that is a necessity. We all need to feel we have a large life purpose and that is hard to remember as you put in the scut work of family and job.
In my case, my relationship with God provides that. I understand people's mileage varies. But do start out with that margin for yourself. That will probably enable you to clear your perspective a bit better.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:50 PM on October 9, 2013 [32 favorites]