Making the very 1st move on online dating sites please help!
October 8, 2013 9:23 PM Subscribe
I'm looking for insight into what is a reasonably good first message to send someone on an online dating site. I've been online for a few months and still feel lost. Successful online daters please enlighten me as to how you do it! Snowflakes inside...
I am trying to put my shy self out there and have finally, made what I think is a fairly good online profile. Thing is I now want to message people I think are interesting. IRL I am not the kind of girl who makes the first move- but I really want to try this online dating thing out. I wrote 1 woman who I thought seemed really interesting a fairly long message based on her well-written profile and our similar interests and received no response. Another woman messaged me about 5- 1 word messages- like hey baby. I tried to start a conversation and it totally failed. I feel like maybe I need to send a short message or maybe the goal with online match websites is to meet the person quickly offline- feeling lost. If you've met interesting more-than-1-night-stands online, how did the interactions start? Any tips on pushing through my uncomfortableness and just doing it appreciated!
I am trying to put my shy self out there and have finally, made what I think is a fairly good online profile. Thing is I now want to message people I think are interesting. IRL I am not the kind of girl who makes the first move- but I really want to try this online dating thing out. I wrote 1 woman who I thought seemed really interesting a fairly long message based on her well-written profile and our similar interests and received no response. Another woman messaged me about 5- 1 word messages- like hey baby. I tried to start a conversation and it totally failed. I feel like maybe I need to send a short message or maybe the goal with online match websites is to meet the person quickly offline- feeling lost. If you've met interesting more-than-1-night-stands online, how did the interactions start? Any tips on pushing through my uncomfortableness and just doing it appreciated!
Best answer: Hi there [username],
Comment about interesting thing mentioned in your profile! I'm also a huge fan of Thing You Are A Fan Of. Self-aware comment or potential shared joke. Right? Anyway, question related to something else in your profile?
outdoorslady
Your username implies to me that I don't have to remind you not to be negative towards the object of your online affection, and also not to center your message around how physically attractive the person is. But I'll put that out there anyway.
posted by Sara C. at 9:38 PM on October 8, 2013 [15 favorites]
Comment about interesting thing mentioned in your profile! I'm also a huge fan of Thing You Are A Fan Of. Self-aware comment or potential shared joke. Right? Anyway, question related to something else in your profile?
outdoorslady
Your username implies to me that I don't have to remind you not to be negative towards the object of your online affection, and also not to center your message around how physically attractive the person is. But I'll put that out there anyway.
posted by Sara C. at 9:38 PM on October 8, 2013 [15 favorites]
Best answer: All of mine that went anywhere started with messages that followed this format:
"Hi! We should talk because [thing in other person's profile.] Are you interested in meeting up for a coffee date?"
Mostly they were brief, but not the "u r pretty" or the solo "hi!" sort of brief. And I have a rule that I either bring up meeting on the second message or there isn't going to be a third message, because I already have all the internet friends I want. Sometimes I asked a question and waited for a reply before asking them out, and that seems to work just as well.
Long messages are a problem for me, because I'd rather spend the time reading your quiz questions, and a long message makes me feel obligated to respond in kind, which I probably don't want to do. One comment, one question, or just ask me out already.
But then, I may or may not respond, depending on my current level of dating ennui more than anything. So don't take that personally, either.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:43 PM on October 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
"Hi! We should talk because [thing in other person's profile.] Are you interested in meeting up for a coffee date?"
Mostly they were brief, but not the "u r pretty" or the solo "hi!" sort of brief. And I have a rule that I either bring up meeting on the second message or there isn't going to be a third message, because I already have all the internet friends I want. Sometimes I asked a question and waited for a reply before asking them out, and that seems to work just as well.
Long messages are a problem for me, because I'd rather spend the time reading your quiz questions, and a long message makes me feel obligated to respond in kind, which I probably don't want to do. One comment, one question, or just ask me out already.
But then, I may or may not respond, depending on my current level of dating ennui more than anything. So don't take that personally, either.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:43 PM on October 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
First of all, EVERYONE gets ignored, and we all also get the "hi" messages. The former you need to just not take personally (I decide the person got sucked into a wormhole and is caught in another dimension or something), and the latter you should just ignore. They're just static.
I think, listen -- you can't predict how people will react to you. Maybe you look like that person's ex. I have not written back to people because they list books I think are terrible as their favorites. You have to just put your best foot forward, hope for the best, and realize it's a bit of a numbers game (in the sense that you have to keep plugging, not in the sense that you should just message any old someone).
I will say that I think really long emails are a turn-off. They come across like you're dealing with a person who really loves to hear themselves talk -- and, frankly, I don't have the energy to plow through several paragraphs from a stranger. You don't want people to be all, TL:DR to you right off the bat. I think Sara C. has nailed it.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 9:46 PM on October 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think, listen -- you can't predict how people will react to you. Maybe you look like that person's ex. I have not written back to people because they list books I think are terrible as their favorites. You have to just put your best foot forward, hope for the best, and realize it's a bit of a numbers game (in the sense that you have to keep plugging, not in the sense that you should just message any old someone).
I will say that I think really long emails are a turn-off. They come across like you're dealing with a person who really loves to hear themselves talk -- and, frankly, I don't have the energy to plow through several paragraphs from a stranger. You don't want people to be all, TL:DR to you right off the bat. I think Sara C. has nailed it.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 9:46 PM on October 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I will also say that I do dating websites really half-heartedly, and there are A LOT OF TIMES that I exchange a message or two with someone and then just stop visiting the site for a while for no particular reason. Or I'll get an interesting message and just get too bored with the site to actually engage. I also have a few profiles on sites I don't even use actively.
So there are a lot of reasons someone might get your perfectly nice message and "ignore" it. It's absolutely not personal.
I would say that like 75% of non-static messages I get I just sort of never get around to meeting the person, and 20% of the time there is something that makes me actively not want to go out with the person (usually not being physically attracted to them or seeing something in their profile that makes it clear that we have nothing in common). 5% of the time we actually have an exchange of messages that results in meeting up in real life.
You should think of yourself as always falling into that 75% "nothing personal, never got around to replying" type of ignoring, rather than driving yourself crazy with the idea that every instance if "ignoring" is you not measuring up to some imaginary standard.
posted by Sara C. at 9:52 PM on October 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
So there are a lot of reasons someone might get your perfectly nice message and "ignore" it. It's absolutely not personal.
I would say that like 75% of non-static messages I get I just sort of never get around to meeting the person, and 20% of the time there is something that makes me actively not want to go out with the person (usually not being physically attracted to them or seeing something in their profile that makes it clear that we have nothing in common). 5% of the time we actually have an exchange of messages that results in meeting up in real life.
You should think of yourself as always falling into that 75% "nothing personal, never got around to replying" type of ignoring, rather than driving yourself crazy with the idea that every instance if "ignoring" is you not measuring up to some imaginary standard.
posted by Sara C. at 9:52 PM on October 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
This may be obvious, but any first message should include one or more of these words: you, your, we, us. (Your profile blah blah blah, we should hang out, let's do xyz together, etc.) I've gotten some messages that seemed really weird and I realized that they didn't contain any of these words, just "I" statements about the person sending them, and it comes across kind of strangely.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:56 PM on October 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:56 PM on October 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
First messages should definitely be short - around 2-3 sentences - and they should be lighthearted. You don't want the recipient to feel like it's a chore to respond. It's generally a bad idea to ask anyone out in a first message (I'd say do this in around the third message you send), since lots of online daters are wary of going out with anyone they haven't chatted with a bit.
A first message should also definitely relate to the recipient's profile in some way; it shouldn't be something generic that could hypothetically be sent to lots of people (because, if it is, they'll assume that you sent that same message to lots of people). And it should ask questions! (ideally open ones, ie. ones that can't be answered with just a 'yes'.) Also, agreed with others that you shouldn't take non-responses personally; it's super easy to get invested in other people's profiles before you've ever met them, but that's also the quickest route to emotional turmoil.
Regardless of the site you're using, the r/okcupid subreddit should be helpful - there are lots of threads on there on the topic of first messages, and though Reddit in general doesn't have the best reputation, that subreddit is pretty cool in my experience.
posted by littlegreen at 10:15 PM on October 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
A first message should also definitely relate to the recipient's profile in some way; it shouldn't be something generic that could hypothetically be sent to lots of people (because, if it is, they'll assume that you sent that same message to lots of people). And it should ask questions! (ideally open ones, ie. ones that can't be answered with just a 'yes'.) Also, agreed with others that you shouldn't take non-responses personally; it's super easy to get invested in other people's profiles before you've ever met them, but that's also the quickest route to emotional turmoil.
Regardless of the site you're using, the r/okcupid subreddit should be helpful - there are lots of threads on there on the topic of first messages, and though Reddit in general doesn't have the best reputation, that subreddit is pretty cool in my experience.
posted by littlegreen at 10:15 PM on October 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ask questions, like littlegreen said, preferably about something they've mentioned in their profile. Give the person something to respond too. It's a bit like small talk, you don't know each other, you both have to make an effort to keep the conversation flowing.
posted by Helga-woo at 11:55 PM on October 8, 2013
posted by Helga-woo at 11:55 PM on October 8, 2013
maybe the goal with online match websites is to meet the person quickly offline- feeling lost. . . . Any tips on pushing through my uncomfortableness and just doing it appreciated!
I (a straight guy, so YMMV?) have found that asking to meet sooner rather than later works out better, but the opening message is probably too soon. Not always.
As for the uncomfortableness, try only looking at profiles of people that are shown as "online now." If you're interested send them a message and move on to the next profile. Give them maybe 15 minutes to respond: If they do, great! If they don't, just assume they're not interested. Occasionally you'll get a response an hour or a day later, which is always a nice surprise, but most of the time if they're online and don't reply fairly quickly it's a no-go. No need to anxiously wait for them to log on and read your message. And, you get a whole new batch of profiles the next time you visit!
posted by clorox at 2:00 AM on October 9, 2013
I (a straight guy, so YMMV?) have found that asking to meet sooner rather than later works out better, but the opening message is probably too soon. Not always.
As for the uncomfortableness, try only looking at profiles of people that are shown as "online now." If you're interested send them a message and move on to the next profile. Give them maybe 15 minutes to respond: If they do, great! If they don't, just assume they're not interested. Occasionally you'll get a response an hour or a day later, which is always a nice surprise, but most of the time if they're online and don't reply fairly quickly it's a no-go. No need to anxiously wait for them to log on and read your message. And, you get a whole new batch of profiles the next time you visit!
posted by clorox at 2:00 AM on October 9, 2013
We chatted live online nightly in real time for months. This was in 97. The delayed back and forth on dating sites when you have the time to compose a perfect response gives you time to doubt and I think leads people to construct a persona that might not actually be who they are.
Though we did have five good years we are no longer together so take my observation with a pound of salt.
posted by vapidave at 6:11 AM on October 9, 2013
Though we did have five good years we are no longer together so take my observation with a pound of salt.
posted by vapidave at 6:11 AM on October 9, 2013
For the record, I totally disagree with clorox regarding the "if they don't respond within 15 minutes, they're not interested". Some people just don't like a time-pressured response/leave their profiles open on their computers/don't hover over their phones constantly (like me). But maybe you are looking for someone who responds more in real time? That's totally valid and a matter of compatibility.
However, I do agree that maybe you're getting too invested in each message that you send, or with each person that you're sending a message to. Use Sara C.'s script (which is pretty much perfect in my opinion: you bond over an interest, share a joke, and ask a question so that they have something to respond to, in only a few sentences) and move on. Don't dwell on that one message... therein lies obsession and disappointment.
For what it's worth, I usually send out a few messages to a few people, then logoff and do other fun things so I don't sit around and wait for responses. I assess whatever replies I get, and suggest a date within 3-4 messages if the people seem fun. But everyone has their own pace; I just prefer to meet on the quicker side because you get a very different impression in person than online.
posted by Paper rabies at 6:12 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
However, I do agree that maybe you're getting too invested in each message that you send, or with each person that you're sending a message to. Use Sara C.'s script (which is pretty much perfect in my opinion: you bond over an interest, share a joke, and ask a question so that they have something to respond to, in only a few sentences) and move on. Don't dwell on that one message... therein lies obsession and disappointment.
For what it's worth, I usually send out a few messages to a few people, then logoff and do other fun things so I don't sit around and wait for responses. I assess whatever replies I get, and suggest a date within 3-4 messages if the people seem fun. But everyone has their own pace; I just prefer to meet on the quicker side because you get a very different impression in person than online.
posted by Paper rabies at 6:12 AM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
A nudge to indicate interest, a minor compliment, and/or a question about something on their profile. Keep it short and light. if they're interested, they'll write back, and you can gradually open up more as you go along.
posted by ead at 9:44 AM on October 9, 2013
posted by ead at 9:44 AM on October 9, 2013
Best answer: I thought of online dating like everyone in a big room chatting with one another. So anything I'd write online would be what I would say if I was at a party and chatting with someone new. Nothing terribly personal, be more interested in the other person than you are in yourself, maybe it clicks or maybe you just move on. Dating is all about responding to what the other person puts out there. Online is no different.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:36 AM on October 9, 2013
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:36 AM on October 9, 2013
I totally disagree with clorox regarding the "if they don't respond within 15 minutes, they're not interested".
I probably could have been more clear that the 15-minute window idea was intended to help someone get used to the fact that in online dating you will be rejected a lot.
If you message someone who is actively online* and you don't get a response within 15 or 20 minutes, in my experience you probably will never get one. So at that point, chalk it up to a loss and move on. Racking up four or five or six rejections in an hour makes it easier to get used to the fact that it's mostly a numbers game. And since you were only checking out people that were online during that hour, it's easier to try again the next time knowing that you'll see brand new people, even though your inbox is still probably empty.
*Which, as you rightly point out, is pretty much impossible to determine
posted by clorox at 10:45 AM on October 9, 2013
I probably could have been more clear that the 15-minute window idea was intended to help someone get used to the fact that in online dating you will be rejected a lot.
If you message someone who is actively online* and you don't get a response within 15 or 20 minutes, in my experience you probably will never get one. So at that point, chalk it up to a loss and move on. Racking up four or five or six rejections in an hour makes it easier to get used to the fact that it's mostly a numbers game. And since you were only checking out people that were online during that hour, it's easier to try again the next time knowing that you'll see brand new people, even though your inbox is still probably empty.
*Which, as you rightly point out, is pretty much impossible to determine
posted by clorox at 10:45 AM on October 9, 2013
The OKCupid Reddit is active and has good advice. The advice is applicable to online dating in general. The wiki has some good advice about writing your first message.
posted by rq at 2:07 PM on October 9, 2013
posted by rq at 2:07 PM on October 9, 2013
OK Trends studied the most effective things to put in your first message. I suggest trying some of it out. Good luck!
posted by Margalo Epps at 9:56 PM on October 9, 2013
posted by Margalo Epps at 9:56 PM on October 9, 2013
These last two answers are quite helpful. I just want to Nth the fact that you have to have a thick skin to flakes and getting ignored on those sites. They could not respond simply because you wrote that you like cats instead of dogs in your profile. It can get very superficial on these sites.
posted by christiehawk at 9:23 AM on October 13, 2013
posted by christiehawk at 9:23 AM on October 13, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Be prepared for a fair amount of getting ignored. It comes with the territory. But if you are outgoing and persist you can absolutely meet great people online.
posted by latkes at 9:33 PM on October 8, 2013