How do I get over my neighbor?

September 21, 2013 5:09 PM

I casually dated a guy for about a month, then he started ignoring me. Twist: he's my next door neighbor. How do I maneuver this situation?

A little over a week ago he started declining my invites and stopped texting me. I'm pretty bummed because I thought he was cool and we got along well. Never even had a conversation about ending it, he just went MIA and I haven't seen him. I'm kind of annoyed because I feel like that is a cowardly thing to do, but such is life.
The problem is that we share the top floor of a house and it's awkward because we can hear each other's comings and goings. I find my heart dropping when I hear him leave at night or come home. It's driving me crazy! I am trying to keep myself busy with friends, etc but I'm really feeling miserable. It was such a brief fling but I feel like living so close is really hindering my ability to get over it. Does anyone have any suggestions? I am pretty embarrassed and would like to avoid a conversation with him, but maybe that would clear the air a bit.

posted by pintapicasso to Human Relations (11 answers total)

I think that in your head--and only in your head--you write the note to him that says you get the picture, understand the awkwardness of ending something like this, wouldn't want it to be weird in the future, etc., etc. And then you live that out with a smile and your head held high, because you're the one with the social gracefulness and maturity to accept something like this and handle it like a rockstar. If future casual encounters with him go well, awesome, and if they embarrass him a bit, that's just a nice bonus.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 5:19 PM on September 21, 2013 [12 favorites]

The first problem is that you don't actually know what happened, so it could be that he doesn't want to hang out anymore or it could be something else. It's only been a little over a week, so it really could be anything--he just hasn't communicated like an adult with you about whatever it is.

But that's not even really the point, because the point is actually about you: what do you want in a relationship? How do you want to be treated by another person? What kind of communication and interaction do you feel is important to you in a relationship with someone? A person who doesn't give you those things is a person you can make the choice to let go of. The way to get over it is to take the perspective that your thoughts and feelings are just as important as his.

Don't let it be about "oh no, he doesn't like me!" It's actually about "ok, I don't feel comfortable with this lack of communication/consideration for my feelings, so would probably not really be happy with dating this guy after all."
posted by so_gracefully at 5:33 PM on September 21, 2013 [35 favorites]

I would write him off as a dumbass and not someone for me and treat all future interactions that way. Not worth your time, carry on as usual. If he goes to clear the air or whatever, great, but be straight: "oh you stopped contact so I figured you weren't interested. Was I mistaken?" If he's for real he'll try to make it up to you and you can go from there. Either way you've shown self respect.

Done and done.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:42 PM on September 21, 2013 [6 favorites]

This is a fantastic opportunity to explore how breathing can calm you. You had a life before this guy. Trust me you'll have a great life after this guy. Breathing can get you to that quiet thread that has always been there and will always be there. And when you get the hang of it, man does it come in handy.

So breathe. And when his comings and goings get under your skin, thank the universe for this little, and quite manageable, challenge that will teach you a lot.

Gratitude helps a lot too. You had a little fling. How cool. Thank you world.
posted by alcahofa at 6:45 PM on September 21, 2013 [13 favorites]

Great advice here. Remind yourself that the guy is the one who blew it and gave you the info you needed to know that he is not worth your time. Just remember that the awkwardness belongs on his side, and it's hardly your job to smooth anything over for him.
posted by rpfields at 9:12 PM on September 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

I am pretty embarrassed and would like to avoid a conversation with him,

First, don't be embarrassed! This happens, and it just so happens that for you it happened with a neighbor, but sadly, this is the way many people handle casual dating. You may, in his mind, be still dating. Decide whether you are okay with this behavior. Keep dating/trying to date other people.

Personally, I probably wouldn't bother to talk to him about any of it. It won't make you feel better and it won't make him feel worse.
posted by sm1tten at 9:29 PM on September 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Play music, get earplugs, watch the TV loudly. And when you run into him in the hall, be polite as if he were just a random neighbor you don't know well. That's the best you can do with someone who pulls the fadeaway...on a freaking neighbor.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:08 PM on September 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

I try to be somewhat charitable with my interpretation of people's actions. So for example, maybe a beloved relative just died or he has something going on at work that's overwhelming him. Maybe he just found out that he has a child that he didn't know about and he's withdrawing and becoming a hermit while he deals with the shock. Maybe he's a former alcoholic who's suffering a relapse.

None of these are good reasons to suddenly go MIA on someone you're dating, but I find that if I think about explanations for someone's behavior that have nothing to do with me, it's a lot easier to counter the voice in my head telling me "you must have really screwed up, because so-and-so isn't talking to you anymore."

If being charitable doesn't work, find extremely uncharitable interpretations instead - you can replace "oh man, I just heard the door, there goes Mr. Former Flame, probably going on a fun date with his new and much hotter girlfriend" with "there's the door, must be Mr. Former Flame going out to shoot up heroin with his gang of homeless junkie friends."
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:22 AM on September 22, 2013 [3 favorites]

It's worth considering that if he really has decided he doesn't want to date you anymore, he might feel awkward about the whole thing because you're his neighbor too. If he hurts you or pisses you off, you're still going to be living next door. It's kind of like dating coworkers - if things don't work out, you still have to work with these people. It can get really messy, and a lot of people don't know how to deal with the emotional repercussions from either side.

I think the sanest thing you can do for yourself is decide that oh well, it didn't work out, and try to move forward as if you didn't really know the guy after all. It might help to come up with responses in your mind if he does try to date you again. I personally wouldn't want to date a guy who gives me radio silence for a week. If he, say, is not outright rejecting you because he wants to keep you on the side as a casual fling person that he can string along, I wouldn't be cool with that either. If he never asks you out again, the result is the same.
posted by wondermouse at 8:28 AM on September 22, 2013

I once had a guy* go radio silence on me right before the wedding of a mutual friend that we'd both been invited to. I just sent him an email that said "It's cool if you don't want to hang out anymore, but it's going to be very awkward at the wedding if ignoring me is the way you choose to go about this." He responded with a very polite apology and all the appropriate words you say to someone you've had a casual thing with.

He's the one who's behaving badly, and there's nothing wrong with calling him out if you stay emotionally neutral about it. That will at least clear the air.

*The current Mr. TallulahBankhead. YMMV.
posted by TallulahBankhead at 10:43 AM on September 22, 2013 [3 favorites]

For 4 weeks, live a glamorous life. Play awesome music when you're not our with friends. Be out with friends. Have some phone conversations with your imaginary fabulous secret sexy sweetheart in Madrid, and the other one who's doing exciting research in Argentina. Go for walks, exercise, go cycling, etc. Cook delicious, exotic food when you're not out having good times. Only watch very funny movies. Everything except giving in to feeling pathetic and unloved. After 4 weeks, you'll feel better - all that exercise and good nutrition - and you can laugh. If/when you see him, be polite, friendly, casual, and pretend that dating never happened. Living well is the best revenge, and also, you get to live well.
posted by theora55 at 12:50 PM on September 22, 2013 [4 favorites]