Should I reach out to him?
September 19, 2013 12:54 PM Subscribe
I have been seeing a great guy non-exclusively for about three months (yep, the dreaded three month mark). We're both 27. Everything had been going very well up until this past weekend, when I met up with him and his friends at a concert. I was supposed to attend the concert with my best friend but we had a huge falling out the night before and I very inappropriately chose to drink my feelings. While I didn't do anything awful, I felt like my behavior was unflattering.
He dropped me off after the show and the next day, I texted him an apology "for being annoying" and said I had a good time with hregardless and have a good day. 8 hours later, he responded asking if he made me uncomfortable. I said no, not at all, but I was self conscious that I had drank more than I intended. Two days later he responded "it's fine." I haven't heard from him otherwise. Communication up to this point had been good, and almost always initiated by him.
I feel like I shot myself in the foot, but it also seems silly to throw away something good over something so minor. Is his silence indication that he's through? Should I give it more time to see if he comes around. or should I try reaching out again?
As a side note, at this concert I also saw part of text that indicated he might be seeing someone else. This is fine, I have been as well, and it was and has not been a point of conversation, but it also made me realize that I care about him a lot more than I thought.
As a side note, at this concert I also saw part of text that indicated he might be seeing someone else. This is fine, I have been as well, and it was and has not been a point of conversation, but it also made me realize that I care about him a lot more than I thought.
Try reaching out, but don't do so in a vague way. Be direct. Ask him if he wants to go with you to whatever kind of thing the two of you usually do. There's every chance that he's asking himself the same questions about you.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:00 PM on September 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:00 PM on September 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
Tell him you're concerned you might have upset him and that is the reason for the silence. Ask him if he'd like to meet up. Tell him that you are most certainly not done with him and you would be saddened if he was done with you. Be honest and be open or risk losing him.
posted by inturnaround at 1:01 PM on September 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 1:01 PM on September 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think the ball is definitely in your court and should be an offer for an explicit date/hookup/whatever thing you two have been doing. Don't play games - if you want to see him again, ask to see him again. If doesn't want to, he can tell you that.
posted by muddgirl at 1:02 PM on September 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by muddgirl at 1:02 PM on September 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
Reach out again. Why not? You don't have anything to lose. But for God's sake, don't do it by text. There's too much guesswork involved. The empty waits between terse messages are what's causing you so much uncertainty and anxiety. Dial his number. Have a phone conversation with him. Better yet, meet him in person (and that meeting should not be arranged by text).
posted by Leontine at 1:03 PM on September 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Leontine at 1:03 PM on September 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
Sounds like the time to try and meet up - in a neutral place, and not one that serves alcohol - for a friendly but productive "Where are we at? Anywhere?" type chat. If he brings up any issues from concert night, then address them; if he doesn't, perhaps there aren't any and it'll distract from the core issue - is there an "us" - which you both need to clarify, see if there is.
Asking him to meet up will also force the issue. He either will (you can get things sorted, one way or the other) or he won't (sorry, but you're probably through). Either way, you'll stop losing the time wasted/spent wondering.
Seriously, not a club, bar, or any rowdy place. Somewhere you can both talk in a relaxed, non-expectant manner i.e. not either of your places with the unspoken bedroom a short walk away.
posted by Wordshore at 1:03 PM on September 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Asking him to meet up will also force the issue. He either will (you can get things sorted, one way or the other) or he won't (sorry, but you're probably through). Either way, you'll stop losing the time wasted/spent wondering.
Seriously, not a club, bar, or any rowdy place. Somewhere you can both talk in a relaxed, non-expectant manner i.e. not either of your places with the unspoken bedroom a short walk away.
posted by Wordshore at 1:03 PM on September 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would reach out to make plans to meet up and discuss your concerns in person (not by text). All you know is that there is silence, not the reasons for the silence. It sounds like he thought he made you uncomfortable. Also, how long has it been since you heard from him? If it's just a few days, I wouldn't stress.
posted by *s at 1:04 PM on September 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by *s at 1:04 PM on September 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Wow. I super disagree with the consensus thus far!
He's slow to text back? Then you back off, too.
My guess? I wasn't there, but the drama with your friend and the drinking may have cooled him off a little at the exact time he's getting hot with someone else.
Contacting him more won't fix it.
Just let it be for now. Focus on other people and things.
Don't contact him.
If you contact him now, you'll just be associating yourself in his mind with more drama and acting out. Don't do that.
posted by jbenben at 1:08 PM on September 19, 2013 [22 favorites]
He's slow to text back? Then you back off, too.
My guess? I wasn't there, but the drama with your friend and the drinking may have cooled him off a little at the exact time he's getting hot with someone else.
Contacting him more won't fix it.
Just let it be for now. Focus on other people and things.
Don't contact him.
If you contact him now, you'll just be associating yourself in his mind with more drama and acting out. Don't do that.
posted by jbenben at 1:08 PM on September 19, 2013 [22 favorites]
Don't play games. If you want to see him, reach out and initiate a plan. Trying to guess at what he might be thinking is stressful and creates unnecessary tension and drama. Maybe he's busy at work. Maybe he hates you. Either way, better to know than to try and read tea leaves.
posted by prefpara at 1:13 PM on September 19, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by prefpara at 1:13 PM on September 19, 2013 [12 favorites]
I'm with jbenben. Play it cool.
posted by hollyanderbody at 1:28 PM on September 19, 2013
posted by hollyanderbody at 1:28 PM on September 19, 2013
Listen to jbenben. That is all.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 1:37 PM on September 19, 2013
posted by nubianinthedesert at 1:37 PM on September 19, 2013
Play it cool? Why? Because you might be associating yourself with drama? Asking him out in plain language isn't more drama, it's dating. OH NO HE MIGHT ASSOCIATE YOU WITH DATING.
posted by klangklangston at 1:39 PM on September 19, 2013 [51 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 1:39 PM on September 19, 2013 [51 favorites]
It's Thursday. Figure out something to do on Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon. Call him and ask if he'd like to do one of those with you.
Report back and let us know how it goes. That will say a lot more than a weird conversation over text about a weird evening last weekend.
posted by barnone at 1:42 PM on September 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Report back and let us know how it goes. That will say a lot more than a weird conversation over text about a weird evening last weekend.
posted by barnone at 1:42 PM on September 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
I mean, I personally wouldn't have a state-of-the-relationship talk over getting too drunk at a concert. I'd probably act like it was water under the bridge unless he wanted to discuss it. But not contacting him back is basically assuming that he's done, and I don't necessarily believe that he is done (I think, from his point of view, it's completely logical that you had a horrible time at the concert and got drunk because you thought it was awkward and didn't like him, and so he's not contacting you because he thinks YOU'RE done).
See what I mean by playing games? Spare the drama and say, "I like you, let's hang out."
posted by muddgirl at 1:43 PM on September 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
See what I mean by playing games? Spare the drama and say, "I like you, let's hang out."
posted by muddgirl at 1:43 PM on September 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
If he said not to worry about it, it probably means he needs some space to think. What happens bed happened; don't hound him.
And quit obsessing over this guy. He gets to react how he reacts and your job is to manage your anxiety.
posted by discopolo at 1:44 PM on September 19, 2013
And quit obsessing over this guy. He gets to react how he reacts and your job is to manage your anxiety.
posted by discopolo at 1:44 PM on September 19, 2013
He's slow to text back? Then you back off, too.
My guess? I wasn't there, but the drama with your friend and the drinking may have cooled him off a little at the exact time he's getting hot with someone else.
Yeah, maybe set a timer and make sure you never text back less than the time it takes him to respond + 10%. In a little while you can be down to contact every 3 years.
I'm not saying go full SWINGERS here, and I think if you suddenly turn into Suzy Instigator when you've let him drive this all the time then yeah, you're sending an odd message by suddenly altering the dynamic. If things were stressed then you make them more stressed by doing that.
But really, never being more interested than the other person? Man, that's no way to live. There's a HUGE amount of ground between game-playing and needy-clingy. You apologized for the transgression, he accepted, accept that acceptance.
But if you want to see him, take steps to see him. People who dig you don't get freaked out by normal expressions of interest.
posted by phearlez at 1:50 PM on September 19, 2013 [9 favorites]
My guess? I wasn't there, but the drama with your friend and the drinking may have cooled him off a little at the exact time he's getting hot with someone else.
Yeah, maybe set a timer and make sure you never text back less than the time it takes him to respond + 10%. In a little while you can be down to contact every 3 years.
I'm not saying go full SWINGERS here, and I think if you suddenly turn into Suzy Instigator when you've let him drive this all the time then yeah, you're sending an odd message by suddenly altering the dynamic. If things were stressed then you make them more stressed by doing that.
But really, never being more interested than the other person? Man, that's no way to live. There's a HUGE amount of ground between game-playing and needy-clingy. You apologized for the transgression, he accepted, accept that acceptance.
But if you want to see him, take steps to see him. People who dig you don't get freaked out by normal expressions of interest.
posted by phearlez at 1:50 PM on September 19, 2013 [9 favorites]
If you contact him now, you'll just be associating yourself in his mind with more drama and acting out. Don't do that.
I am so very over this train of thought. Not directed at you jbenben, but if a dude doesn't even want me texting him, then why the hell should I waste my time sitting on my ass and patiently waiting for him to contact me? If a guy's dramameter is tuned to pick up "a girl I've been seeing for three months asks to meet up with me" as "DRAMA ALERT" then he's not worth my time anyhow.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:51 PM on September 19, 2013 [36 favorites]
I am so very over this train of thought. Not directed at you jbenben, but if a dude doesn't even want me texting him, then why the hell should I waste my time sitting on my ass and patiently waiting for him to contact me? If a guy's dramameter is tuned to pick up "a girl I've been seeing for three months asks to meet up with me" as "DRAMA ALERT" then he's not worth my time anyhow.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:51 PM on September 19, 2013 [36 favorites]
Nope, nope, super disagree right back at jbenben. That advice is why the world's fields may be littered with millions of lesbian sheep lying still, wondering why their dream-ewe never comes.
I mean you shouldn't stalk him. But if the response to one person backing away is for the other to back away, nobody's going to get anywhere. If he doesn't respond well to your overtures, THEN you back off, but there's nothing to be gained by doing that absent some positive declaration on his part that he doesn't want anything to do with you.
posted by Naberius at 1:56 PM on September 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
I mean you shouldn't stalk him. But if the response to one person backing away is for the other to back away, nobody's going to get anywhere. If he doesn't respond well to your overtures, THEN you back off, but there's nothing to be gained by doing that absent some positive declaration on his part that he doesn't want anything to do with you.
posted by Naberius at 1:56 PM on September 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
My guess? I wasn't there, but the drama with your friend and the drinking may have cooled him off a little at the exact time he's getting hot with someone else.
Wow, super helpful and not feeding into the OP's worst case scenario anxiety at all!
Ruminating on possible reasons that this dude may or may not have cooled off is a way to drive yourself nuts. Just stay in the moment and think about other things. I know it's kind of like, "Don't think about a pink elephant!" You keep thinking of that fucking pink elephant. But find something else to occupy your mind.
Just get in touch with him in a few days and keep it light. Who knows? Maybe three months is the expiration date for this thing. Maybe it's not. I think your anxiety is probably making the concert drama more of a big deal than it actually was.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 2:01 PM on September 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Wow, super helpful and not feeding into the OP's worst case scenario anxiety at all!
Ruminating on possible reasons that this dude may or may not have cooled off is a way to drive yourself nuts. Just stay in the moment and think about other things. I know it's kind of like, "Don't think about a pink elephant!" You keep thinking of that fucking pink elephant. But find something else to occupy your mind.
Just get in touch with him in a few days and keep it light. Who knows? Maybe three months is the expiration date for this thing. Maybe it's not. I think your anxiety is probably making the concert drama more of a big deal than it actually was.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 2:01 PM on September 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't know. I am in favor of being direct, but honestly? If he almost always initiated conversation and it took TWO DAYS for him to just say, "it's fine" then my spidey-sense would indicate that perhaps something is up, although it depends on how much of a texting relationship you guys had. It takes ONE MINUTE to text someone to reassure her that things are cool -- and you had already told him that you had a good time with him and you assured him that he didn't make you uncomfortable but you were self-conscious about how much you drank? And it took 2 days for a terse "it's fine"? I would interpret that as sending a signal that he doesn't want to deal with this for whatever reason. To be blunt about it. That reason may just be that he has a low drama threshold, of course.
That being said, there is nothing to lose by giving it one last try to find out for sure -- ask him (totally normally, totally breezily) if he wants to grab drinks or something this weekend. Either he'll enthusiastically agree, and everything's okay -- or he won't respond at all, or he'll be hella vague, and then you know. You are allowed to firmly and unequivocally place the ball back into his court, and that's what I would personally do, just for the sake of knowing where I stood. But I don't think waiting two days to text six letters is very promising, I am sorry. (I have been there; I had a guy send me flowers one week and then JUST NEVER CALL ME BACK the next. Three month mark, it's a bitch.) It's tempting to make up all kinds of reasons for this -- he's cranky! He has the flu! He is actually worried that YOU don't like HIM! -- and I totally get that. But sometimes I think doing that is just magical thinking, and if your gut tells you something is going awry, it probably is. But you'll never know if you don't ask him out again, you know?
posted by Countess Sandwich at 2:06 PM on September 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
That being said, there is nothing to lose by giving it one last try to find out for sure -- ask him (totally normally, totally breezily) if he wants to grab drinks or something this weekend. Either he'll enthusiastically agree, and everything's okay -- or he won't respond at all, or he'll be hella vague, and then you know. You are allowed to firmly and unequivocally place the ball back into his court, and that's what I would personally do, just for the sake of knowing where I stood. But I don't think waiting two days to text six letters is very promising, I am sorry. (I have been there; I had a guy send me flowers one week and then JUST NEVER CALL ME BACK the next. Three month mark, it's a bitch.) It's tempting to make up all kinds of reasons for this -- he's cranky! He has the flu! He is actually worried that YOU don't like HIM! -- and I totally get that. But sometimes I think doing that is just magical thinking, and if your gut tells you something is going awry, it probably is. But you'll never know if you don't ask him out again, you know?
posted by Countess Sandwich at 2:06 PM on September 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
At this point, you've made your apology, and I'd just drop that part of the conversation and move on. Perhaps with asking him on another date/activity?
posted by festivus at 2:06 PM on September 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by festivus at 2:06 PM on September 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Does he know about your falling out with your best friend? Does he know that that is the reason you were off/upset/drinking more than normal?
If he didn't know that (or didn't understand how important this friendship is/was to you) he may have thought you were cooling on or upset with him. If someone I liked and was thrilled to see apologized for being annoying I would start to think I had misunderstood our relationship and/or their (your) conception thereof. I mean, all this made him ask if he had made you uncomfortable.
There isn't much to go on with the sparse texts but there doesn't seem to be any disaster here and he may not have found you "annoying" that night at all. (Maybe you were better at hiding your feelings/drunkenness than you thought or maybe he was just really into the show).
If this seems possible/likely I would definitely reach out to him, directly and in whatever method (phone/text/carrier pigeon) is normal for your interactions thus far. Suggest something as if nothing weird happened because it is possible that that is basically the case.
posted by mountmccabe at 2:08 PM on September 19, 2013
If he didn't know that (or didn't understand how important this friendship is/was to you) he may have thought you were cooling on or upset with him. If someone I liked and was thrilled to see apologized for being annoying I would start to think I had misunderstood our relationship and/or their (your) conception thereof. I mean, all this made him ask if he had made you uncomfortable.
There isn't much to go on with the sparse texts but there doesn't seem to be any disaster here and he may not have found you "annoying" that night at all. (Maybe you were better at hiding your feelings/drunkenness than you thought or maybe he was just really into the show).
If this seems possible/likely I would definitely reach out to him, directly and in whatever method (phone/text/carrier pigeon) is normal for your interactions thus far. Suggest something as if nothing weird happened because it is possible that that is basically the case.
posted by mountmccabe at 2:08 PM on September 19, 2013
since he took 2 days to respond to your text to say "it's fine" i'd give him a little space. giving people space isn't playing games. it is respecting that people need time to process things. it isn't all about what we want, our needs and assuaging our anxiety. i don't know if you told him about your blowout with your best friend, but he's probably now trying to figure out what was happening with you that night with your subsequent texts and if it had something to do with him. i'd give him a few days and then contact him and make a date to get together. at that time let him know you are really starting to like him. if he's really into you the other night won't matter. most people give the ones they are interested in plenty of chances and overlook small things, especially at the beginning of relationships.
posted by wildflower at 2:08 PM on September 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by wildflower at 2:08 PM on September 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Just to clarify, he did know about the blow out, and that I had been struggling with the relationship with her for some time, but I really downplayed how upset I was because I DIDN'T want to be drama.
Not sure what I did that would make him think it was him, but I could have missed something.
posted by starsatnight at 2:23 PM on September 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Not sure what I did that would make him think it was him, but I could have missed something.
posted by starsatnight at 2:23 PM on September 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's been a few days, he says it's fine. Let it drop.
Call him and ask him out for the weekend. Something easy, cocktails on the water, or milkshakes or a movie.
You'll get a yes or a no. If it's no, let him be. If he calls he calls, if he doesn't then he doesn't.
But the worst thing to do is to rehash and discuss this to death.
We all have our off moments. If you don't like the way you acted, note that and don't do it again.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:25 PM on September 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Call him and ask him out for the weekend. Something easy, cocktails on the water, or milkshakes or a movie.
You'll get a yes or a no. If it's no, let him be. If he calls he calls, if he doesn't then he doesn't.
But the worst thing to do is to rehash and discuss this to death.
We all have our off moments. If you don't like the way you acted, note that and don't do it again.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:25 PM on September 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
"since he took 2 days to respond to your text to say "it's fine" i'd give him a little space. giving people space isn't playing games. it is respecting that people need time to process things"
EXACTLY.
I'm not advocating the OP "play it cool," I'm advocating that the OP takes the pretty strong hint she's being given, and focus on the other things in her life instead.
Sometimes when things get awkward or intense with people you don't know that well, whether you're sleeping with them or not, it's often best to back off for a while and process stuff.
Certainly, that seems to be what this guy is doing, taking some space and time.
The OP said this relationship is casual, and whatever happened last weekend, this seems like the dead wrong time to try and push things to a more intimate level.
I never said anyone should wait around for anyone, for the record.
I just can't advocate pushing communication or pushing for making plans when the other party seems ambivalent, at best. That usually doesn't end well for the one doing the pushing.
posted by jbenben at 2:37 PM on September 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
EXACTLY.
I'm not advocating the OP "play it cool," I'm advocating that the OP takes the pretty strong hint she's being given, and focus on the other things in her life instead.
Sometimes when things get awkward or intense with people you don't know that well, whether you're sleeping with them or not, it's often best to back off for a while and process stuff.
Certainly, that seems to be what this guy is doing, taking some space and time.
The OP said this relationship is casual, and whatever happened last weekend, this seems like the dead wrong time to try and push things to a more intimate level.
I never said anyone should wait around for anyone, for the record.
I just can't advocate pushing communication or pushing for making plans when the other party seems ambivalent, at best. That usually doesn't end well for the one doing the pushing.
posted by jbenben at 2:37 PM on September 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
Perhaps you can achieve some peace of mind by reflecting on the strife with your (former) friend. By coming to terms with that, you may come to new insights with regard to other relationships.
posted by No Robots at 2:44 PM on September 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by No Robots at 2:44 PM on September 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
I agree that things shouldn't be pushed to a more intimate level. I disagree that asking someone out on another casual date/outing/whatever after having an awkward one is pushing things to a more intimate level. He took two days and then said, "It's fine." Taking him at face value would mean accepting that it's fine.
posted by muddgirl at 2:45 PM on September 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by muddgirl at 2:45 PM on September 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm with jbenben. I've had enough guys "snap" on me and suddenly lose all interest whatsoever immediately (especially if I did something stupid/drama-y/bad/whatever), and they start to act just like this. Two days to say "it's fine?" Come on. If you stop contacting them, then it is a way to see for yourself if they are still interested without scaring them off. Right now he's had a scare moment at best or he's just lost interest in her for good at worst. (Though frankly, I can't tell HOW bad you were from this post. I suspect it wasn't that bad.) And since he seems to be the usual initiator here, letting him be next to initiate (or not) will let her know how he feels, since they don't seem to be in a relationship state where having honest, blunt conversation is okay.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:48 PM on September 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:48 PM on September 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
but I really downplayed how upset I was because I DIDN'T want to be drama.
Something that I'm learning that you might also find useful: having emotions is not the same as drama. Even strong emotions.
Drama is making your emotions someone else's problem. Drama is not having boundaries or not respecting the boundaries of others. "I'm really hurt by how my best friend is acting and I'm going to need some time to process that. I might drink. I might need to leave." is not drama. It's just where you are.
"Because of how bad I feel, I could use [a hug or a ride home or a quiet evening instead of this concert]" is likewise not drama even though it's asking for something, as long as you are willing to take "no" for an answer.
Have your emotions. Live them openly. They aren't drama; they are just things that you feel. If you want to see this guy again, tell him so. If he doesn't want to see you again, that will be true whether you tell him how you feel or not.
posted by gauche at 3:01 PM on September 19, 2013 [38 favorites]
Something that I'm learning that you might also find useful: having emotions is not the same as drama. Even strong emotions.
Drama is making your emotions someone else's problem. Drama is not having boundaries or not respecting the boundaries of others. "I'm really hurt by how my best friend is acting and I'm going to need some time to process that. I might drink. I might need to leave." is not drama. It's just where you are.
"Because of how bad I feel, I could use [a hug or a ride home or a quiet evening instead of this concert]" is likewise not drama even though it's asking for something, as long as you are willing to take "no" for an answer.
Have your emotions. Live them openly. They aren't drama; they are just things that you feel. If you want to see this guy again, tell him so. If he doesn't want to see you again, that will be true whether you tell him how you feel or not.
posted by gauche at 3:01 PM on September 19, 2013 [38 favorites]
Best answer: OK, so there's a problem with the whole 'should I contact person, or will that spoil my chances with person' dilemma: if you are asking yourself this question, you are already in a bad spot. As in: you are clearly not getting what you want and you are not happy about it; and now, you are going to compound that trouble by imagining that you can somehow influence (if not control) the outcome by the decision you make on this question.
And now, here's the kicker: maybe you even can guess correctly -- hooray, you win! Except that you probably don't win. Let's say the 'correct' guess was to remain silent; and eventually he gets in touch. That's great, except now you have spent X number of days at least kinda sorta hoping he'd call, and no matter how you might downplay it or do other things, chances are you felt an undercurrent of disappointment, and general feeling let down, and maybe even a sense of 'what did I do wrong?' and all of that sucks.
But wait! If he does end up calling, all of that was just temporary, an unfortunate but necessary investment in the future of the relationship! Nope. This will most likely establish a pattern. And it will likely play out over and over.
So go ahead and contact him, if that's what you need for you. If it drives him away, then that's maybe just a good early warning system that there will be this kind of trouble between you. And if it does not drive him away, then, that's when you really win: you did what you need for you AND that turned out to be welcome to the other person.
posted by fikri at 3:23 PM on September 19, 2013 [42 favorites]
And now, here's the kicker: maybe you even can guess correctly -- hooray, you win! Except that you probably don't win. Let's say the 'correct' guess was to remain silent; and eventually he gets in touch. That's great, except now you have spent X number of days at least kinda sorta hoping he'd call, and no matter how you might downplay it or do other things, chances are you felt an undercurrent of disappointment, and general feeling let down, and maybe even a sense of 'what did I do wrong?' and all of that sucks.
But wait! If he does end up calling, all of that was just temporary, an unfortunate but necessary investment in the future of the relationship! Nope. This will most likely establish a pattern. And it will likely play out over and over.
So go ahead and contact him, if that's what you need for you. If it drives him away, then that's maybe just a good early warning system that there will be this kind of trouble between you. And if it does not drive him away, then, that's when you really win: you did what you need for you AND that turned out to be welcome to the other person.
posted by fikri at 3:23 PM on September 19, 2013 [42 favorites]
"If you stop contacting them, then it is a way to see for yourself if they are still interested without scaring them off. "
Yeah… that's pretty much playing a game. If you are interested, there's nothing wrong with contacting the person to let them know. Trying to have some sort of radio silence so that they prove they're interested is counter-productive — how does he know that she's still interested in him and isn't just blowing him off now?
It all relies too much on the cultural assumption that women are pursued by men.
posted by klangklangston at 4:08 PM on September 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
Yeah… that's pretty much playing a game. If you are interested, there's nothing wrong with contacting the person to let them know. Trying to have some sort of radio silence so that they prove they're interested is counter-productive — how does he know that she's still interested in him and isn't just blowing him off now?
It all relies too much on the cultural assumption that women are pursued by men.
posted by klangklangston at 4:08 PM on September 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
Hmm, i'm on the side of waiting some arbitrary amount of time equal to his as being weird playing a game/bizarre rules stuff.
If i said "it's fine", i'd mean it. in this sort of situation. Assuming that someone doesn't really mean what they're saying and "needs some space" is the road to all kinds of weirdness and awkward shit created from reading weird meanings in to what people are saying.
I'm very big on pursuing someone in earnest until they give you some obvious, conclusive sign that they're not interested and were just "being nice" or some shit.
What are the actual reasons to not just be up front with him other than creating some bizarre narrative in which he's actively avoiding you and this is some super delicate situation in which pushing more than a tiny bit will make him run away? If that's the case he's not worth your time anyways, and sorry that you lost 3 months to a wafflecake.
On rescanning the thread, i like fikri's answer a lot. If he's really the type of person that you need to "finesse" like this then really... what? I've wasted to much time on/with people in my life that you'd actually need to play that type of game with to ever want to do it again. And jesus, will i never put up with that again.
Earnestly ask him if he wants to go do something casual. If you get dead air after a reasonable amount of time(i'd say like, a normal workday) then you're really doing yourself a disservice if you don't just go "Ok, whatever, fuck that shit then".
Oh, and i once confronted someone on playing these types of dead air waiting games with me and got a REALLY telling response that was basically "what? I had no idea we had any kind of thing going on. i think you were reading way too much into this and thought there was something here that there wasn't, i don't think i want what you want at all, kbye"
posted by emptythought at 4:26 PM on September 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
If i said "it's fine", i'd mean it. in this sort of situation. Assuming that someone doesn't really mean what they're saying and "needs some space" is the road to all kinds of weirdness and awkward shit created from reading weird meanings in to what people are saying.
I'm very big on pursuing someone in earnest until they give you some obvious, conclusive sign that they're not interested and were just "being nice" or some shit.
What are the actual reasons to not just be up front with him other than creating some bizarre narrative in which he's actively avoiding you and this is some super delicate situation in which pushing more than a tiny bit will make him run away? If that's the case he's not worth your time anyways, and sorry that you lost 3 months to a wafflecake.
On rescanning the thread, i like fikri's answer a lot. If he's really the type of person that you need to "finesse" like this then really... what? I've wasted to much time on/with people in my life that you'd actually need to play that type of game with to ever want to do it again. And jesus, will i never put up with that again.
Earnestly ask him if he wants to go do something casual. If you get dead air after a reasonable amount of time(i'd say like, a normal workday) then you're really doing yourself a disservice if you don't just go "Ok, whatever, fuck that shit then".
Oh, and i once confronted someone on playing these types of dead air waiting games with me and got a REALLY telling response that was basically "what? I had no idea we had any kind of thing going on. i think you were reading way too much into this and thought there was something here that there wasn't, i don't think i want what you want at all, kbye"
posted by emptythought at 4:26 PM on September 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
I have since found it is indeed true: if a guy is interested, he will be in touch. and not in two days. he will not let you wait.
Contact him or no, but as above.
Furthermore, you're human - this means, intoxicated or sober, you're going to say or do silly, embarrassing, and emotional things periodically. If this is a deal-breaker for him, then you were just a matter of convenience - in other words, he wasn't particularly interested in you beyond a little light-hearted and easy-going fun anyway.
posted by Nibiru at 4:47 PM on September 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
Contact him or no, but as above.
Furthermore, you're human - this means, intoxicated or sober, you're going to say or do silly, embarrassing, and emotional things periodically. If this is a deal-breaker for him, then you were just a matter of convenience - in other words, he wasn't particularly interested in you beyond a little light-hearted and easy-going fun anyway.
posted by Nibiru at 4:47 PM on September 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
If I took two days to respond to an apology, that could mean any number of things but all these things include me wanting you to back off. Otherwise, I would have mentioned the delay.
In those scenarios, "fine" means apology accepted; don't beat yourself up.
I'm not him, of course.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:22 PM on September 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
In those scenarios, "fine" means apology accepted; don't beat yourself up.
I'm not him, of course.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:22 PM on September 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think the best thing to do is not dwell on your drunken night and just move on. Talk to him like normal the way you have before. If he's being a little distant but you want to see him, just say you want to see him. I am sure once he sees you again and you get back to being your normal, sober selves it will remind him what you have and that your sloppy drunk behavior isn't really who you are.
Like you said OP, it would be silly to throw things away in such a rash way because you got shitfaced. So just move past it. If he is willing to give up your relationship because of this behavior, he sounds really touchy and it probably won't work out anyway. At least you'll know. You don't want to say nothing and then wonder if you should've said something.
You can give him so time to get over the drunken night and let him come around to initiated with you. It might be better if you can him him the space to arrive at feeling like he wants to see you again on his own. But after a certain point, he may just need a nudge. After a certain amount of time, I'd definitely say something about getting together. Like I said, seeing that your drunken behavior was an anomaly should be beneficial.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:47 PM on September 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Like you said OP, it would be silly to throw things away in such a rash way because you got shitfaced. So just move past it. If he is willing to give up your relationship because of this behavior, he sounds really touchy and it probably won't work out anyway. At least you'll know. You don't want to say nothing and then wonder if you should've said something.
You can give him so time to get over the drunken night and let him come around to initiated with you. It might be better if you can him him the space to arrive at feeling like he wants to see you again on his own. But after a certain point, he may just need a nudge. After a certain amount of time, I'd definitely say something about getting together. Like I said, seeing that your drunken behavior was an anomaly should be beneficial.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:47 PM on September 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
This thing you send texts with, does it work to make calls? Why not just call him and say hello, get a feel for which way the wind blows and if it is not going poorly, ask him to do whatever it is you do with him regularly. Text and email leaves too much to the imagination and the time lag leads to too much speculation. Just call.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:10 PM on September 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:10 PM on September 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
If someone decided they're not interested in you, there's not much you can do about it. But I have a hard time imagining that not talking to someone will make them *more* interested in you. Acting weird about an awkward situation is just going to make it more awkward. If it's been a day or two since he texted you, definitely text him back about wanting to meet up some place.
At the very least you'll have an answer.
And I'd suggest not apologizing any more or even bringing the awkwardness up. For me at least, when people apologizing for being drunk a dozen times tends to be more irritating than whatever they were doing in the first place. And you don't want his mind on the awkwardness anyway.
posted by Zalzidrax at 7:13 PM on September 19, 2013
At the very least you'll have an answer.
And I'd suggest not apologizing any more or even bringing the awkwardness up. For me at least, when people apologizing for being drunk a dozen times tends to be more irritating than whatever they were doing in the first place. And you don't want his mind on the awkwardness anyway.
posted by Zalzidrax at 7:13 PM on September 19, 2013
This is my take on this, apologies in advance if it comes across as harsh. This whole thing reeks of game playing, I gotta say. I have a different interpretation to others. I don't necessarily think this guy's a jerk, based on what you've written. I do think you may have blown it, but not by getting drunk, you just sound too Rulesy. Here's why, after 3 months, he still has to initiate all the communication? Really? I gotta say, if I was a guy and all the legwork had to be done by me, and after 3 months she still didn't initiate anything with me, would I be moving on? Hell yeah.
Oh, and he probably has an inkling you were seeing someone else (totally ok if you were non exclusive but let's be honest, that combined with you not making an effort probably ensured that he thought you weren't that keen and is now acting accordingly.)
To be honest, I don't think you're that into him myself. Don't you think it's a bit strange that you let him do all the chasing, you were dating other people and quite happy with that but the second it looks like he's seeing someone else and cooling down and not chasing you, all of a sudden you decide you like him? I don't think you like him that much at all, I just think you don't like to lose. This potential other girl has fired up your competitive streak and now he's not all over you, you want him. There's nothing more attractive than someon who doesn't want us - isn't that why you played hard to get in the first place?
The fact that after 3 months this whole thing is still being conducted by text, you can't have a clear conversation and both of you are seeing other people.... Bah. Too hard. If you can't even talk to him without thinking you'll scare him off, how much of a good thing could you have had. It's not supposed to be this hard. Next time put your cards on the table, if you like him, show him.
And if a guy is really keen, you getting drunk one night will not be enough to put him off. Two word text messages that take him two days to write, yeah I'd say he's over it. Last ditch effort, try calling and having an actual conversation.
posted by Jubey at 8:26 PM on September 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
Oh, and he probably has an inkling you were seeing someone else (totally ok if you were non exclusive but let's be honest, that combined with you not making an effort probably ensured that he thought you weren't that keen and is now acting accordingly.)
To be honest, I don't think you're that into him myself. Don't you think it's a bit strange that you let him do all the chasing, you were dating other people and quite happy with that but the second it looks like he's seeing someone else and cooling down and not chasing you, all of a sudden you decide you like him? I don't think you like him that much at all, I just think you don't like to lose. This potential other girl has fired up your competitive streak and now he's not all over you, you want him. There's nothing more attractive than someon who doesn't want us - isn't that why you played hard to get in the first place?
The fact that after 3 months this whole thing is still being conducted by text, you can't have a clear conversation and both of you are seeing other people.... Bah. Too hard. If you can't even talk to him without thinking you'll scare him off, how much of a good thing could you have had. It's not supposed to be this hard. Next time put your cards on the table, if you like him, show him.
And if a guy is really keen, you getting drunk one night will not be enough to put him off. Two word text messages that take him two days to write, yeah I'd say he's over it. Last ditch effort, try calling and having an actual conversation.
posted by Jubey at 8:26 PM on September 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
Ask him if you did anything to upset him and tell him you are sorry if you did. Don't think it out more than this.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:00 PM on September 19, 2013
posted by Ironmouth at 9:00 PM on September 19, 2013
Don't you think it's a bit strange that you let him do all the chasing, you were dating other people and quite happy with that but the second it looks like he's seeing someone else and cooling down and not chasing you, all of a sudden you decide you like him?
This jumped out at me as well.
I'd recommend adopting a more nonchalant attitude toward this guy. Don't bite the hook that was triggered by seeing that text snippet. Step off, shift your focus back to yourself, and particularly give some real thought to the recent blow-up with your friend.
Re-center yourself so that no matter what this guy comes back with -- if anything -- you are good with you.
posted by nacho fries at 9:14 PM on September 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
This jumped out at me as well.
I'd recommend adopting a more nonchalant attitude toward this guy. Don't bite the hook that was triggered by seeing that text snippet. Step off, shift your focus back to yourself, and particularly give some real thought to the recent blow-up with your friend.
Re-center yourself so that no matter what this guy comes back with -- if anything -- you are good with you.
posted by nacho fries at 9:14 PM on September 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
In the OP's position I would take a step back. She's not going to get any more answers out of him that "it's fine" and he's always initiated up till now. At a moment like this, I would be inclined to do nothing.
This is not a matter of principle. It doesn't have to be universalized to "what if everybody who was interested in someone else never said anything, the human race would grind to a halt". It just doesn't look like adding more words and actions to this situation is going to improve it right at this exact moment.
posted by tel3path at 7:43 AM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
This is not a matter of principle. It doesn't have to be universalized to "what if everybody who was interested in someone else never said anything, the human race would grind to a halt". It just doesn't look like adding more words and actions to this situation is going to improve it right at this exact moment.
posted by tel3path at 7:43 AM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
What I really think is that he's currently more interested in the other person he's dating, for reasons that may or may not have anything to do with what happened at the concert. Taking two days to respond back with two words would make me back off. And by back off I basically mean "focus on the other people I'm dating and let this one go" I don't think there's any amount of time that can pass where adding more words to the situation would make it better or worse. I just think OP is wasting more time and brainspace on it than necessary.
I also think that this thing that happened seems a lot bigger in your mind because you know he's dating other people and you've come to like him more.
posted by sm1tten at 9:12 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I also think that this thing that happened seems a lot bigger in your mind because you know he's dating other people and you've come to like him more.
posted by sm1tten at 9:12 AM on September 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
If he was really into you, he would have cut you more slack for your behavior at the concert. I would forget about him completely. I just don't think it's worth it to wait around for a guy who is wishy-washy. People just fall off the face of the Earth sometimes and I find it's not worth my emotional energy to try to track them down or find out what happened. I used to get upset when this sort of thing happened. Now, I just forget it and move on. Sometimes the person contacts me a few weeks/months/years later and I just ignore him. It's not worth it to get emotionally invested in someone who isn't moving towards being emotionally invested with me in return.
posted by parakeetdog at 1:10 PM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by parakeetdog at 1:10 PM on September 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
Having been in this situation many times I've tried different approaches and this is the one that seems to work best.
I think you should wait a couple of days and then send him a friendly, casual text asking if he wants to do something specific with you. Pretend like the whole drinking thing never happened. If you see him again I would literally never mention the subject again.
"hey, just passed a poster for a tapas night at the [local museum]. wanna check it out next week? I love Spanish food."
Oh! Bonus points if the event is something that specifically ties into his interests.
Then, if you see him again act light, fun and chill. Let him talk and ask him about his passions. Whatever you do do NOT bring up your status as a couple. That's the kiss of death.
posted by caseofyou at 3:01 PM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think you should wait a couple of days and then send him a friendly, casual text asking if he wants to do something specific with you. Pretend like the whole drinking thing never happened. If you see him again I would literally never mention the subject again.
"hey, just passed a poster for a tapas night at the [local museum]. wanna check it out next week? I love Spanish food."
Oh! Bonus points if the event is something that specifically ties into his interests.
Then, if you see him again act light, fun and chill. Let him talk and ask him about his passions. Whatever you do do NOT bring up your status as a couple. That's the kiss of death.
posted by caseofyou at 3:01 PM on September 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: UPDATE: I did phone him to invite him to a fall festival this weekend, and he when he returned my call we spent quite some time on the phone. He expressed how much stress he's been under with work and his own friendships, and although he's out of town this weekend (he had mentioned a week or so ago and it slipped my mind), he texted me the next day to thank me for listening to him. The previous weekend was never mentioned.
We plan to get together this week.
Thank you all for your feedback and insight. It has helped me realize some very important things about myself, and for that I am immensely grateful :)
posted by starsatnight at 9:04 AM on September 22, 2013 [6 favorites]
We plan to get together this week.
Thank you all for your feedback and insight. It has helped me realize some very important things about myself, and for that I am immensely grateful :)
posted by starsatnight at 9:04 AM on September 22, 2013 [6 favorites]
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