Did 26F do the right thing to 30M?
May 20, 2013 2:53 PM   Subscribe

26F have been seeing 30M about 1x a week for almost three months with no conversations about what it is. His actions suggest that his interest level is moderate but not high, my interest level is high but that has not been expressed, though the last few times I have been the one to initiate plans. Most recently, he suggested an alternate plan to my invitation, but feeling frusterated, I never responded. Not sure what action I should take from here... am I wrong to think he will contact me again if his interest level is higher than I percieve? Or wrong to go radio silent when he has never done the same to me?
posted by starsatnight to Human Relations (19 answers total)
 
You're wrong to try to game things this way. You say you haven't fully expressed your interest, maybe he hasn't either. Or maybe he's still thinking things over. Surely going silent with no warning isn't going to woo him. Reach out to him, invite him to a nice dinner, and talk to him. Tell him what you want, ask him what he wants.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:56 PM on May 20, 2013 [13 favorites]


I would only go radio silent if I were genuinely okay with this proto-relationship evaporating. But, if you're okay with it evaporating, then don't play games - end it.

If you're not okay with it evaporating, then quit playing games and talk to him.
posted by Rallon at 2:56 PM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Phone him up and have a chat about what it is or what it might become.
posted by BenPens at 3:04 PM on May 20, 2013


you've been doing this for 3 months? if i wasn't able to talk frankly to a dude i was seeing for 3 months, then i don't think i should be seeing that guy at all.

sit him down, tell him what you want out of the relationship, and leave it at that. if he's into it, he's into it. if he's not, he's not.

in the future, i suggest being more open about your expectations with your relationships from the beginning, and not shutting down when you're feeling frustrated. i'm not saying you propose marriage on the first date or anything, but if you are feeling a "high interest" in someone, then you should tell them.
posted by kerning at 3:04 PM on May 20, 2013 [9 favorites]


After three months of dating, you are well out of the territory of "who calls who first" and all that.

The fact that you're still worried about that stuff after this long strikes me as not boding well for your relationship, but maybe just a quick, "So, are we, like, boyfriend and girlfriend now or what?" conversation might fix it.

If that conversation doesn't go well, just move on.
posted by Sara C. at 3:07 PM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


So, you really like him but haven't said so. And you recently initiated plans, which he didn't take you up on specifically, but instead offered an alternative and you....just never responded to him?

If you ever want to talk to him again, you probably need to, you know...TALK TO HIM AGAIN. Radio silent is generally code for "I don't want to continue this anymore but I also don't want to have to tell you that," and it seems like the ball is in your court at the moment, given that he contacted you last, and offered up plans as well, and you just ignored him.

My best advice to myself in times of romantic quandary is: just be normal. Waiting around for him to "prove" he likes you when you haven't given him a reason to think it's reciprocal and you've just stopped talking to him is not going to get you what you want, unless what you want is for this to fizzle out. If someone went radio silent on me in the midst of making plans to hang out, I'd assume they were done, and I'd move along to someone who seemed more into it. If you're doing this to punish or test him because you feel like you're doing the heavy lifting in terms of plans-making, you're also not going to get what you want out of it. The only way to get a grip on what he thinks or doesn't think is by communicating with each other.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 3:07 PM on May 20, 2013 [11 favorites]


Most recently, he suggested an alternate plan to my invitation, but feeling frusterated, I never responded.

That's the sort of thing that would definitely decrease my interest level. And I'd also think that the other person's interest level was low too.
posted by grouse at 3:10 PM on May 20, 2013


Yeah, honestly, if it were him posting the question we'd probably be telling him to move on. This type of game playing is not good. Ask for what you want.
posted by Justinian at 3:12 PM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


[Just answer the question and don't pick fights with other commenters, please?]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:15 PM on May 20, 2013


What shall we say and should we call it by a name?

If 26F wants to date 30M, at this point she should call him and discuss what this relationship is and where it is heading. Playing games, especially radio silence games is tantamount to ending it.

I would call him and see how the conversation goes and decide from there.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:16 PM on May 20, 2013


It's wrong to go radio silent if you're interested. He proposed an alternative. Take him up on it.

This will all probably go a lot better if you stop overthinking and stop game-playing. Being real with people runs the risk of getting you hurt, but it's still the best way to do things.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 3:21 PM on May 20, 2013


It can be really hard to interpret what is going on with him since it is vague. I am not sure why you would be frustrated with him offering a different plan. To me it would mean that he would want to see you but maybe not enjoy the activity that you offered. Relationships can be about compromise.

In the end I agree with everyone else that you should talk to him. I would take this advice into all of your relationships. That is the best way not not get unnecessarily frustrated. Talking is great. Going radio silent without telling him why (even if he offended you by suggesting to go to hooters or a strip club(if that offends you)) would not be good for a relationship. I never liked the sitcoms where women would just glare at a guy and suggest he should know why they are upset. The only way for people to know how to treat you is by letting them know. Every one is unique and enjoys or hates different things so no one is going to be psychic.

Good luck! I hope it works out.
posted by Jaelma24 at 3:23 PM on May 20, 2013


If after 3 months you sense the relationship is lopsided and you're not getting enough out of it, then good on you for recognizing this.

One-sided relationships are the worst. They're hurtful. They don't lead to anything but wasted time and heartache.

Go ahead and let this brief relationship evaporate if you want to. It's a valid choice. I'm assuming if you could have comfortably talked to him about the relationship by now, then you would have, and this alone tells me the relationship isn't working out.

However... You seem to be asking us if playing games works. Is this correct?

Hon, you do not want the type of guy who is only interested in you if you play games. Please drop any crazy intention you might have of re-igniting his interest in you with games or manipulation, because that path ultimately ends with failure and pain.
posted by jbenben at 3:33 PM on May 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


12+ years of sitting near the coffee bar at work:

Welcome to dating day 90, where women need to know what's up and men are oblivious.

This seems to hold true for part time and full time engagements by the way.

Me personally, I like it when people eventually speak up and say they want or need something or at least want to define something. If you don't want the same thing at the same time, it's ok, move on.
posted by bobdow at 4:28 PM on May 20, 2013


am I wrong to think he will contact me again if his interest level is higher than I percieve? Or wrong to go radio silent when he has never done the same to me?

Maybe and maybe, but if his suggesting alternate plans to your invitation frustrates you to the point of no-response, this doesn't sound like a Thing that could go anywhere.
posted by sm1tten at 4:48 PM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


It sounds a bit overly formalized if you are referring to yourselves as "30M" and gauging your interest levels as "moderate/high" as if it's something you can track with an odometer. Are you sure you are not choreographing your life based on the way some dating manual said it's supposed to go? Instead of just being candid about what you actually want? People and interactions don't have to be so statistical. Maybe he senses that you see him more as "30M" than [insert name here].

It's really hard to disengage yourself from the complex rule-governed machine which is modern (online?) dating but I found it pretty liberating when I did. I liked feeling like I wasn't second guessing every natural romantic impulse I had and wondering whether Greg what's-his-name would approve.
posted by mermily at 5:58 PM on May 20, 2013 [6 favorites]


As always, the answer is to not play games and to have an honest conversation about what you want.
posted by empath at 7:50 PM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Why are you playing games? Talk to him.

"Most recently, he suggested an alternate plan to my invitation, but feeling frusterated, I never responded."

You never responded because...?

"Not sure what action I should take from here..."

You talk to him. You tell him what you're feeling, and what you're wanting from the relationship. You find out if he's on the same page. If he is, awesome! See how much easier it is when you don't play games? But if he isn't on the same page, you'll KNOW where he's at, and you'll be able to make an informed decision about whether or not to continue the relationship. See how much easier it is when you don't play games?

"am I wrong to think he will contact me again if his interest level is higher than I percieve?"

How could anyone other than him know whether he will contact you again?
How could anyone other than him know what his interest level truly is?
Why are you playing games?

Talk to him.
posted by 2oh1 at 8:42 PM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Just my two cents, but maybe you should try dating younger guys? This seems like a scenario where you might be too uncomfortable to approach dating. It sounds like something is off. Like other posters above, you reach out or you date someone else. And 3 months is not that long, might as well cut him loose and find another guy. And this time be straightforward and honest if you're interested and let him know. If he's not interested, rinse and repeat. Life's too short to waste time on "playing games" or initiating a relationship with someone who doesn't yet know what they want out of one.
posted by lunastellasol at 5:28 AM on May 21, 2013


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