sex and rhythm [nsfw]
September 15, 2013 10:14 AM Subscribe
I'm in a new relationship with a guy. We've started having sex, and when he gets really close to orgasming, I lose the rhythm somehow, and he can't come. Help.
Okay. This is sort of embarrassing. I'm a 28 year-old woman in a relationship with a 33 year-old guy. He was in a long-term relationship until about 3 years ago, and hasn't really been with anyone since then. I've basically never been in a relationship, and haven't had much sex, period. Surprisingly, I can come really easily with him. He's a really generous lover, so he gets me off a couple of times, but then when it's his turn the following happens: we get a rhythm going while we're having sex, I can tell he is getting close, and then...everything sort of falls apart. It's like when you're walking in step with someone, and then all of a sudden you're not. It feels like I'm the one who mostly loses the rhythm, but it's sort of hard to tell. And then it takes us a minute to get back into the rhythm, so he keeps getting really close, but he never quite gets there, and so eventually he goes soft. We did manage to get it right for the first time last night, but then we tried again this morning and we had the same problem again.
I'm not experienced enough at the sex-having to know if it is normal, when you first start sleeping with someone, to have these sorts of problems, and I could use some help figuring out what to do next. Other relevant info maybe: we've spent the night together 4 times so far. When having sex doesn't make him come, he doesn't make a big deal out of it, so I don't either. I can make him come with my hands and with my mouth, so he's not just twisting in the wind all night. Last time we had sex and he couldn't get off, he'd already come 3 times that night, and I could tell my internal muscles were a little tired. He's told me it's been a while since he's been with someone (and that he's no longer 20), so maybe that has something to do with it too?
Will we just get better at it with time? Do you have any suggestions for how to get better at it faster? And any suggestions for how not to lose the rhythm at the crucial point? Thanks for your help. They didn't cover this stuff in sex ed.
Okay. This is sort of embarrassing. I'm a 28 year-old woman in a relationship with a 33 year-old guy. He was in a long-term relationship until about 3 years ago, and hasn't really been with anyone since then. I've basically never been in a relationship, and haven't had much sex, period. Surprisingly, I can come really easily with him. He's a really generous lover, so he gets me off a couple of times, but then when it's his turn the following happens: we get a rhythm going while we're having sex, I can tell he is getting close, and then...everything sort of falls apart. It's like when you're walking in step with someone, and then all of a sudden you're not. It feels like I'm the one who mostly loses the rhythm, but it's sort of hard to tell. And then it takes us a minute to get back into the rhythm, so he keeps getting really close, but he never quite gets there, and so eventually he goes soft. We did manage to get it right for the first time last night, but then we tried again this morning and we had the same problem again.
I'm not experienced enough at the sex-having to know if it is normal, when you first start sleeping with someone, to have these sorts of problems, and I could use some help figuring out what to do next. Other relevant info maybe: we've spent the night together 4 times so far. When having sex doesn't make him come, he doesn't make a big deal out of it, so I don't either. I can make him come with my hands and with my mouth, so he's not just twisting in the wind all night. Last time we had sex and he couldn't get off, he'd already come 3 times that night, and I could tell my internal muscles were a little tired. He's told me it's been a while since he's been with someone (and that he's no longer 20), so maybe that has something to do with it too?
Will we just get better at it with time? Do you have any suggestions for how to get better at it faster? And any suggestions for how not to lose the rhythm at the crucial point? Thanks for your help. They didn't cover this stuff in sex ed.
Have you talked to him about it?
posted by radioamy at 10:21 AM on September 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by radioamy at 10:21 AM on September 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
You shouldn't be worrying yourself over a man who is 33 years old and has already reached orgasm three times before giving it a go vaginally. When the guy says he's not twenty anymore, he isn't kidding or just trying to be nice to you.
posted by Fukiyama at 10:24 AM on September 15, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by Fukiyama at 10:24 AM on September 15, 2013 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Last time we had sex and he couldn't get off, he'd already come 3 times that night
Wait, really? Because this doesn't really sound like an unexpected problem, then. This might be my low expectations for myself talking, but I wouldn't call it a problem at all. If that's what he's used to being able to do, maybe.
I would echo that you should let him... take the lead as he gets close. Don't try to match his motions and keep up. Just relax and let him go for it.
Also, if he's out of the groove of being with a partner, he'll get over that part of it pretty quickly.
posted by supercres at 10:25 AM on September 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
Wait, really? Because this doesn't really sound like an unexpected problem, then. This might be my low expectations for myself talking, but I wouldn't call it a problem at all. If that's what he's used to being able to do, maybe.
I would echo that you should let him... take the lead as he gets close. Don't try to match his motions and keep up. Just relax and let him go for it.
Also, if he's out of the groove of being with a partner, he'll get over that part of it pretty quickly.
posted by supercres at 10:25 AM on September 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Congratulate him for his stamina. Let him know you appreciate his generosity. Tell him about all the good things he does right. Positive reinforcement will make him feel better and want to please you more. As a guy, him not reaching ... the point of no return ... is sort of a good thing... Seriously - 3 times in one night prior to that... that's a good thing. There's a point when it just is really hard to keep up with demands, and yeah, flaccidity is the body's way of saying 'Yeah! I gotta tap out before you have a stroke. Holy crap this woman is amazing!'
posted by Nanukthedog at 10:26 AM on September 15, 2013
posted by Nanukthedog at 10:26 AM on September 15, 2013
I'm wondering if that was a typo. Reading door context, had he already come three times, or had she?
posted by mercredi at 10:31 AM on September 15, 2013
posted by mercredi at 10:31 AM on September 15, 2013
Response by poster: Just to clarify: the first couple of times we tried having sex, he couldn't come that way at all. Then last night when we got together, he came the first time we had sex, but not the second time. So I was wondering if it gets harder for guys to orgasm after they have come a couple of times (over a single night), because it did seem like we were getting better at it, and then we had the same problem again. So the second time, we were either regressing, or his body was just tired.
Sorry if that still doesn't make sense. I'm not trying to brag or anything; it's just that I'm not super familiar with guys' bodies and my body seems to work in the opposite way: after I come once, it is a lot easier to get revved up again.
posted by swamp rocket at 10:48 AM on September 15, 2013
Sorry if that still doesn't make sense. I'm not trying to brag or anything; it's just that I'm not super familiar with guys' bodies and my body seems to work in the opposite way: after I come once, it is a lot easier to get revved up again.
posted by swamp rocket at 10:48 AM on September 15, 2013
Best answer: Yeah, I wouldn't feel too put out about not giving him *four* orgasms a night, especially at 33 - and it sounds like he isn't put out by it, either. It may be a little awkward when things kind of trail off, but if he says it's fine, I'd take him at his word!
BUT, if you're really determined, my advice technique-wise is to pretty much brace yourself (I mean, physically stabilise yourself) and give him something to rut, putting it plainly. If you try and match his rhythm and it doesn't work, then there's not enough pressure or resistance to trigger his climax, so provide that by just setting yourself solidly and pressing back firmly. When he's reaching the peak his hips/core are going into overdrive - at the expense of steady rhythm - and that exertion and 'lifting of limits', is what I find tends to push a man over the edge, more than the receptive partner continuing to try and finesse it.
If it doesn't work, next time try a different position - doggy, cowgirl/reverse cowgirl, ankles-over-shoulders (yours over his), spooning-style, and whatever you'd call having your shoulders on the bed and your legs wrapped around his waist, are all pretty effective standbys. Same basic principle, though.
posted by Drexen at 10:50 AM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
BUT, if you're really determined, my advice technique-wise is to pretty much brace yourself (I mean, physically stabilise yourself) and give him something to rut, putting it plainly. If you try and match his rhythm and it doesn't work, then there's not enough pressure or resistance to trigger his climax, so provide that by just setting yourself solidly and pressing back firmly. When he's reaching the peak his hips/core are going into overdrive - at the expense of steady rhythm - and that exertion and 'lifting of limits', is what I find tends to push a man over the edge, more than the receptive partner continuing to try and finesse it.
If it doesn't work, next time try a different position - doggy, cowgirl/reverse cowgirl, ankles-over-shoulders (yours over his), spooning-style, and whatever you'd call having your shoulders on the bed and your legs wrapped around his waist, are all pretty effective standbys. Same basic principle, though.
posted by Drexen at 10:50 AM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: So I was wondering if it gets harder for guys to orgasm after they have come a couple of times (over a single night)
Just to be clear: yes!!
posted by Drexen at 10:51 AM on September 15, 2013 [22 favorites]
Just to be clear: yes!!
posted by Drexen at 10:51 AM on September 15, 2013 [22 favorites]
Best answer: I'm not experienced enough at the sex-having to know if it is normal, when you first start sleeping with someone, to have these sorts of problems
It is normal, when you first start having sex with somebody new, to have this sort of experience. It's really not an actual problem unless one of you decides to worry about it.
Will we just get better at it with time?
Undoubtedly.
Do you have any suggestions for how to get better at it faster?
Frequent practice :-)
I was wondering if it gets harder for guys to orgasm after they have come a couple of times (over a single night)
That's been my experience. Which is good, because orgasms are really distracting.
posted by flabdablet at 10:52 AM on September 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
It is normal, when you first start having sex with somebody new, to have this sort of experience. It's really not an actual problem unless one of you decides to worry about it.
Will we just get better at it with time?
Undoubtedly.
Do you have any suggestions for how to get better at it faster?
Frequent practice :-)
I was wondering if it gets harder for guys to orgasm after they have come a couple of times (over a single night)
That's been my experience. Which is good, because orgasms are really distracting.
posted by flabdablet at 10:52 AM on September 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: gets harder for guys to orgasm after they have come a couple of times
The search phrase you want, for more info on the physiology of this, is "refractory period."
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:53 AM on September 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
The search phrase you want, for more info on the physiology of this, is "refractory period."
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:53 AM on September 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
To be (even) clearer. You are not the problem. Your rhythm is not the problem. The "problem," such as it is, I wouldn't call it that, is coming 3 times and then trying for a fourth. I've never been with a 19-year-old. 3 orgasms is a lot for most guys past a certain age--a lot for someone aged 33. Be happy!
If for some reason it gets to you, just don't get him off through other means before you have intercourse. Have intercourse first and let him come that way. Then entertain him in other ways if you want to.
posted by skbw at 1:47 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
If for some reason it gets to you, just don't get him off through other means before you have intercourse. Have intercourse first and let him come that way. Then entertain him in other ways if you want to.
posted by skbw at 1:47 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah I was reading this and thinking wtf, 3 times? No wonder.
I sincerely doubt it's anything you're doing. If you were talking about oral, maybe, since you would be controlling the rythm, but with intercourse it's going to be mostly him.
It's just not physically possible for a man to pop off more than a certain amount in one night. I'd say you should consider yourself lucky that he is so into you that he can keep it going after the first two times. He must think you're fucking sexy as hell. Either that or he's a sexual tyrannosaurus.
posted by natteringnabob at 2:04 PM on September 15, 2013
I sincerely doubt it's anything you're doing. If you were talking about oral, maybe, since you would be controlling the rythm, but with intercourse it's going to be mostly him.
It's just not physically possible for a man to pop off more than a certain amount in one night. I'd say you should consider yourself lucky that he is so into you that he can keep it going after the first two times. He must think you're fucking sexy as hell. Either that or he's a sexual tyrannosaurus.
posted by natteringnabob at 2:04 PM on September 15, 2013
Best answer: I want to agree with telegraph, that refractory periods aside, that it can be helpful to basically stop moving when he picks up the pace (if possible). Also, if you guys fit together this way, a spooning position (both of you laying down) can be a good way to have intercourse for a long time without wearing your legs out.
Another thing? It's okay if he doesn't orgasm, be it the first time of the 4th time. While sometimes we can get it stuck in our heads that we didn't do it right if the guy doesn't get off, it can also be liberating to go in with no expectation of orgasm at all.
posted by cabingirl at 2:15 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
Another thing? It's okay if he doesn't orgasm, be it the first time of the 4th time. While sometimes we can get it stuck in our heads that we didn't do it right if the guy doesn't get off, it can also be liberating to go in with no expectation of orgasm at all.
posted by cabingirl at 2:15 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: So, on the rare occasion that I make my boyfriend (he's 30) come twice in one night, he calls it "lifechanging" and can't stop talking about how amazing it is that he came twice. He's just not 19 anymore, you know? Refractory periods get longer as you age. So, you're doing just fine. :) Enjoy!
That said, the rhythm thing - when he's coming I used to try to come at the same time, but now I just focus on him and his orgasm. I try to keep the rhythm but don't work too hard - he's pretty much driving the boat at this point. He's given me so many orgasms by the time that he lets himself come, so personally I think it's kind of silly for me to try to come yet again just because he's coming. This also lets me lay back and enjoy that wonderful feeling that happens when I help someone that I love have an orgasm. Delightful. So, kind of like telegraph says above. Don't just lay there, but kind of... just lay back and enjoy and don't try too hard. It's his show for those 30 or 45 seconds or however long the orgasm lasts.
posted by sockermom at 4:26 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
That said, the rhythm thing - when he's coming I used to try to come at the same time, but now I just focus on him and his orgasm. I try to keep the rhythm but don't work too hard - he's pretty much driving the boat at this point. He's given me so many orgasms by the time that he lets himself come, so personally I think it's kind of silly for me to try to come yet again just because he's coming. This also lets me lay back and enjoy that wonderful feeling that happens when I help someone that I love have an orgasm. Delightful. So, kind of like telegraph says above. Don't just lay there, but kind of... just lay back and enjoy and don't try too hard. It's his show for those 30 or 45 seconds or however long the orgasm lasts.
posted by sockermom at 4:26 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hi, everyone. Thanks very much for your all answers. I feel sort of naive and dumb sometimes for being such a late bloomer, and since I don't have a lot of other relationships to compare to, I start worrying that I'm doing lots of things wrong in this one. You guys have reassured me, so thanks.
posted by swamp rocket at 11:23 PM on September 15, 2013
posted by swamp rocket at 11:23 PM on September 15, 2013
As you 2 become more comfortable, you'll know what really turns him on, and you can help him get there. I don't know lots of sites with great sex advice, and you have to sift through a lot of cheesy porn searching anything sex-related, but do some research. If you raise or lower your knees in missionary position, it changes the angle, some guys love sexy-talk, or nipple play, or, you get the idea. Part of the fun of sex is discovering what turns your partner on. You don't have to be an expert on him - you can't be until you explore.
posted by theora55 at 7:07 AM on September 16, 2013
posted by theora55 at 7:07 AM on September 16, 2013
Also, how many times have you two had sex? All the men I've been with have a bit of performance anxiety in the beginning, for a few weeks or sometimes months, until they get comfortable with you. That's normal, too. Not making a big deal out of him not coming or going soft or whatever will really help boost his confidence and his performance anxiety will go away after awhile.
posted by sockermom at 10:16 AM on September 16, 2013
posted by sockermom at 10:16 AM on September 16, 2013
Response by poster: An update: we have been, ah, practicing a lot, and things have been working a lot better. Also, we found condoms that fit him, and that made a big difference, so I wanted to record that for future concerned readers.
posted by swamp rocket at 3:59 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by swamp rocket at 3:59 AM on September 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by telegraph at 10:21 AM on September 15, 2013 [7 favorites]