Elusive dreams and schemes: how to deal with artist partner and money?
September 11, 2013 1:52 PM Subscribe
I am really at a point of not knowing how to proceed. I love my family very much, my kids and my husband. But my husband is slowly driving me crazy. He is an artist -- we met in another country from where we were both born and I moved to his country. That was more than ten years ago -- lots happened: kids, health and family issues, but I started working freelance and now have a strong client list and make pretty okay money. Now I'm making most of the money for the family.
He has made work intermittently in that time, but he doesn't make anything from his art anymore, though he has a regular teaching gig which covers the mortgage. His career has suffered from the fact that he has trouble communicating -- he cannot clearly state what he means and he gets very stressed from this. It means that people cannot grasp anything about the work and sometimes it just means he's exhausting to be around. And he believes people should pay a lot for his work. And they won't -- he no longer has a gallery or any profile. He is what is termed a mid-career artist. I used to try and help -- composing emails, writing short texts -- but I no longer have the time, and it's been thrown in my face "you don't do anything to help" so many times that I can't do it anymore.
The kids have many years of school left (the younger one anyway) -- I am paying for school and most basic life necessities. And lately all I think about is how to escape. The crunch came when he told me that his providing a roof was enough. I had to do the rest. I haven't had more than one day off in the past six weeks. I am tired and scared of his disillusion. My finances are fragile (freelancer and the way it works is freelance money is not recognised by the bank in this country -- only salary!) ... I can't just leave. He is going back to therapy. But how can I manage? Do I make a long term plan and live a lie? Ultimatums don't work.
He has made work intermittently in that time, but he doesn't make anything from his art anymore, though he has a regular teaching gig which covers the mortgage. His career has suffered from the fact that he has trouble communicating -- he cannot clearly state what he means and he gets very stressed from this. It means that people cannot grasp anything about the work and sometimes it just means he's exhausting to be around. And he believes people should pay a lot for his work. And they won't -- he no longer has a gallery or any profile. He is what is termed a mid-career artist. I used to try and help -- composing emails, writing short texts -- but I no longer have the time, and it's been thrown in my face "you don't do anything to help" so many times that I can't do it anymore.
The kids have many years of school left (the younger one anyway) -- I am paying for school and most basic life necessities. And lately all I think about is how to escape. The crunch came when he told me that his providing a roof was enough. I had to do the rest. I haven't had more than one day off in the past six weeks. I am tired and scared of his disillusion. My finances are fragile (freelancer and the way it works is freelance money is not recognised by the bank in this country -- only salary!) ... I can't just leave. He is going back to therapy. But how can I manage? Do I make a long term plan and live a lie? Ultimatums don't work.
Sounds like he is blaming you for his lack of artistic success and also punishing you and the kids for it.
At some point you have to separate the artist from the personality -- we all have ideas of what an artist should be, full of angst, etc., but in the end, there are many successful artists who are not being jerks to their loved ones, and it sounds like he's being a jerk right now.
Is he depressed? Is that why he is going into therapy? You may be saying, "what about me? I need therapy too!" and if so, why aren't you taking care of your own needs? Why are you working with no days off? What would happen if you took a day off or even two days off?
It sounds like you guys have set yourselves up so you are the parent to him and the kids and he is throwing a hissy fit and threatening you with financial withholding because he is angry about not being successful and being paid his due as an artist.
Maybe couples therapy is in order, or your own therapist, because you're not helping anyone by letting him walk all over you. Not that you are to blame for his actions, but stop and take a break before it blows up into a real crisis, for your sake and your kids' sake. Is it possible to get a sitter and get out of the house and talk together about your mutual goals or is he just that much of a hard ass? I mean is he for real or crying wolf with all this "and you pay for everything else" stuff?
In any case, find out the laws about alimony and child support, etc., should you decide to split. Surely there are some landlords who would rent to you if you felt you had to leave, based on income statements. If nothing else, can you save a bit aside from your income for a rain day fund?
Pretty much none of this sounds like it ends well if you keep on the way you do. You don't have to give an ultimatum, you just have to assert yourself: Hubs, I'm taking a day off. Supper's in the fridge, see you at 8:00. And then go out and take a walk, go to a museum, and take a break, for goodness sake.
It's pretty amazing that you make most of the money yet he is pulling all of the strings and pushing your buttons. I hesitate to say abuse but it doesn't sound healthy for you. Take a break, think about what you really want now, and in the future, and regroup.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:42 PM on September 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
At some point you have to separate the artist from the personality -- we all have ideas of what an artist should be, full of angst, etc., but in the end, there are many successful artists who are not being jerks to their loved ones, and it sounds like he's being a jerk right now.
Is he depressed? Is that why he is going into therapy? You may be saying, "what about me? I need therapy too!" and if so, why aren't you taking care of your own needs? Why are you working with no days off? What would happen if you took a day off or even two days off?
It sounds like you guys have set yourselves up so you are the parent to him and the kids and he is throwing a hissy fit and threatening you with financial withholding because he is angry about not being successful and being paid his due as an artist.
Maybe couples therapy is in order, or your own therapist, because you're not helping anyone by letting him walk all over you. Not that you are to blame for his actions, but stop and take a break before it blows up into a real crisis, for your sake and your kids' sake. Is it possible to get a sitter and get out of the house and talk together about your mutual goals or is he just that much of a hard ass? I mean is he for real or crying wolf with all this "and you pay for everything else" stuff?
In any case, find out the laws about alimony and child support, etc., should you decide to split. Surely there are some landlords who would rent to you if you felt you had to leave, based on income statements. If nothing else, can you save a bit aside from your income for a rain day fund?
Pretty much none of this sounds like it ends well if you keep on the way you do. You don't have to give an ultimatum, you just have to assert yourself: Hubs, I'm taking a day off. Supper's in the fridge, see you at 8:00. And then go out and take a walk, go to a museum, and take a break, for goodness sake.
It's pretty amazing that you make most of the money yet he is pulling all of the strings and pushing your buttons. I hesitate to say abuse but it doesn't sound healthy for you. Take a break, think about what you really want now, and in the future, and regroup.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:42 PM on September 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Tell him that providing a roof is NOT enough, because if you are overloaded and break you are ALL gonna be in trouble. (I mean, tell him that whole sentence.)
Tell him you are already helping by all that you do, and that if he wants you to help him with the art stuff he has to help you with everything else you do or it just isn't possible.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:48 PM on September 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Tell him you are already helping by all that you do, and that if he wants you to help him with the art stuff he has to help you with everything else you do or it just isn't possible.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:48 PM on September 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Isn't money, money? Why does the bank not recognize money you make from freelancing? Why would they need to?
I think she means that if she left him, she would not be able to get a mortgage because the bank will not consider her freelancing income when evaluating her for it.
posted by jacalata at 3:08 PM on September 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think she means that if she left him, she would not be able to get a mortgage because the bank will not consider her freelancing income when evaluating her for it.
posted by jacalata at 3:08 PM on September 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure what you can do about your relationship issues.
If he can't sell any of his art, he doesn't have to stop making it, but he needs to stop thinking of it as an income producing activity.
You trying to help him with things isn't going to make it produce income if people don't want to buy it for what he is charging, no matter how many emails you write. He doesn't have the sort of attitude here that will make it productive for either his sales or your relationship when you help him.
It seems almost like he's blaming you for not helping, instead of facing the truth about whether or not his work can sell at the price he wants or at all, or about what he needs to do to sell it.
BTW, whether it is selling says nothing about the quality of his artistic work. Marketing is a completely different skill set.
If you think his work would sell with some help from another person, it does't sound like it's working for you to be that person. He can hire an artist assistant, or a rep, if he wants a helper. Art sales needs to be treated like a business, because that's what it is. Hiring an assistant or paying for sales services won't guarantee his work will sell, just like opening a restaurant isn't guaranteed to turn a profit.
He might be more willing to follow someone else's suggestions on pricing his work, but he's going to need to get to that point himself.
posted by yohko at 3:24 PM on September 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
If he can't sell any of his art, he doesn't have to stop making it, but he needs to stop thinking of it as an income producing activity.
You trying to help him with things isn't going to make it produce income if people don't want to buy it for what he is charging, no matter how many emails you write. He doesn't have the sort of attitude here that will make it productive for either his sales or your relationship when you help him.
It seems almost like he's blaming you for not helping, instead of facing the truth about whether or not his work can sell at the price he wants or at all, or about what he needs to do to sell it.
BTW, whether it is selling says nothing about the quality of his artistic work. Marketing is a completely different skill set.
If you think his work would sell with some help from another person, it does't sound like it's working for you to be that person. He can hire an artist assistant, or a rep, if he wants a helper. Art sales needs to be treated like a business, because that's what it is. Hiring an assistant or paying for sales services won't guarantee his work will sell, just like opening a restaurant isn't guaranteed to turn a profit.
He might be more willing to follow someone else's suggestions on pricing his work, but he's going to need to get to that point himself.
posted by yohko at 3:24 PM on September 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ouf. Ugh. I've been in your shoes and know exactly what you mean by banks not recognizing freelance income. For the benefit of other MeFites: in many EU countries, freelance income is not recognized as stable income. It's the flip side of having more secure long-term job contracts: that sort of "permanent" employment is the key towards mortgages, loans, et cetera, also because EU countries don't have credit ratings. Which means, if you do not have the holy grail of a long-term (open-end) employment contract, whether because you're a freelancer or have a fixed-term contract, you cannot qualify for mortgages or most loans, and it can be very difficult to qualify for rentals, unless you have someone with a fixed salary co-signing or acting as guarantor. If you're a foreigner and don't have dual citizenship, you likely don't have a guarantor that would be recognized (guarantor has to live in the same country). Which, long story short, means that even a very successful freelancer with money in the bank can be SOL if they happen to be a foreigner.
It sounds like your husband may well be aware of all this and is counting on it to keep up his way of life. He has given you an ultimatum with his statement that you have to do everything else.
If you genuinely want out (and it certainly sounds like a healthy desire given that your husband's not taking your needs and requests into account; I get no sense of love from your post), I'd suggest your first goal be getting long-term employment. As I said, I've been in your shoes: I was a successful freelancer. I had to leave an abusive ex who also thought I should be happy to be with someone able to provide a roof over our heads (the lease was in his name only; he'd told me he had put me on it, this ended up being a lie), and that in return, he thought I should not only work all day as a freelancer, but do every-frickin-thing else. When I left him I found out the apartment was only in his name, which I mention because, had I known that, I would have done what I'm suggesting now: looked for a long-term job contract ahead of time. Instead, I ended up in a hellish months-long limbo of technical homelessness while I lived in roach-infested motels. As a freelancer and foreigner, I did not qualify for anything, not rentals, not mortgages. I was saved by the skin of my blogging teeth: fellow freelancers in Nice had a rental opening, they read my blog, and they offered me an apartment, no questions asked (other than rent paid on time, obviously!). Do. Not. Do. What. I. Did. Plan ahead of time. You have children, you can't take the risk, it is huge.
Look for long-term employment, and if you can get therapy, do that, because in addition to your marriage strains, I know what it is to give up successful freelancing. You'll need emotional support of your own, and a pair of compassionate ears. Don't cut off clients! Keep up relationships with them, even if you're doing less or no work for them. (Maybe you can continue a bit of freelancing on the side when you find employment.) Employment will give you the grail of stable housing. That is vital. Keeping up relationships with clients can help you find work, and in any case, will keep future options open.
If you don't want to live a lie nor give an ultimatum, there is a middle road: tell him, truthfully, that you are looking for a job. Up to you to choose whether you spell out to him your reasons. If ultimatums don't work, then it probably won't motivate him (which is something of a loud confirmation of his not being in the marriage as a partner); on the other hand, your telling him why wouldn't necessarily be an ultimatum, but a statement of your reality.
posted by fraula at 3:24 PM on September 11, 2013 [9 favorites]
It sounds like your husband may well be aware of all this and is counting on it to keep up his way of life. He has given you an ultimatum with his statement that you have to do everything else.
If you genuinely want out (and it certainly sounds like a healthy desire given that your husband's not taking your needs and requests into account; I get no sense of love from your post), I'd suggest your first goal be getting long-term employment. As I said, I've been in your shoes: I was a successful freelancer. I had to leave an abusive ex who also thought I should be happy to be with someone able to provide a roof over our heads (the lease was in his name only; he'd told me he had put me on it, this ended up being a lie), and that in return, he thought I should not only work all day as a freelancer, but do every-frickin-thing else. When I left him I found out the apartment was only in his name, which I mention because, had I known that, I would have done what I'm suggesting now: looked for a long-term job contract ahead of time. Instead, I ended up in a hellish months-long limbo of technical homelessness while I lived in roach-infested motels. As a freelancer and foreigner, I did not qualify for anything, not rentals, not mortgages. I was saved by the skin of my blogging teeth: fellow freelancers in Nice had a rental opening, they read my blog, and they offered me an apartment, no questions asked (other than rent paid on time, obviously!). Do. Not. Do. What. I. Did. Plan ahead of time. You have children, you can't take the risk, it is huge.
Look for long-term employment, and if you can get therapy, do that, because in addition to your marriage strains, I know what it is to give up successful freelancing. You'll need emotional support of your own, and a pair of compassionate ears. Don't cut off clients! Keep up relationships with them, even if you're doing less or no work for them. (Maybe you can continue a bit of freelancing on the side when you find employment.) Employment will give you the grail of stable housing. That is vital. Keeping up relationships with clients can help you find work, and in any case, will keep future options open.
If you don't want to live a lie nor give an ultimatum, there is a middle road: tell him, truthfully, that you are looking for a job. Up to you to choose whether you spell out to him your reasons. If ultimatums don't work, then it probably won't motivate him (which is something of a loud confirmation of his not being in the marriage as a partner); on the other hand, your telling him why wouldn't necessarily be an ultimatum, but a statement of your reality.
posted by fraula at 3:24 PM on September 11, 2013 [9 favorites]
Is he going back to therapy because he recognizes that there are problems with his communication skills, family life, and professional goals? If he recognizes that these are major problems and he's trying to fix them, there may be hope. At a minimum, some joint sessions with you would be good.
If he's living in a fantasy where he will one day make it big as an artist and where he can treat his wife like a rented mule while absolving himself of adult responsibilities like helping to support his children, I think that your time would be better used developing an exit strategy.
Forcing you into a corner where you have to work with no breaks while he insists that he does enough to contribute is not fair or ok. If he's also blaming you for his lack of success in the art world because you're no longer able to make time to communicate for him as he's not developed those skills himself, that's also not fair or ok. You may love him and your family, but he's not treating you with love or respect. You can't carry the marriage and family on your back for long. Your back will eventually break.
posted by quince at 4:11 PM on September 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
If he's living in a fantasy where he will one day make it big as an artist and where he can treat his wife like a rented mule while absolving himself of adult responsibilities like helping to support his children, I think that your time would be better used developing an exit strategy.
Forcing you into a corner where you have to work with no breaks while he insists that he does enough to contribute is not fair or ok. If he's also blaming you for his lack of success in the art world because you're no longer able to make time to communicate for him as he's not developed those skills himself, that's also not fair or ok. You may love him and your family, but he's not treating you with love or respect. You can't carry the marriage and family on your back for long. Your back will eventually break.
posted by quince at 4:11 PM on September 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
If his art isn't making money, it's not a job, it's a hobby. Just a very expensive one, that you're funding, that will probably cost him his family. It sounds like you (rightly so) want to leave. You say you love him, is it worth trying therapy together? If you can't or don't want to save it, do what the posters above have suggested and start getting your ducks in a row.
If ultimatums don't work, don't tell him, it will just give him a head start to try to block you or make divorce a hell. Find a full time job and make your plans. He may think he has the power because you can't get a lease without him; he may feel differently when his meal ticket and all round slave walks out the door. It's strange that someone who can't or won't support themselves or their family thinks they have the stronghold over the one who can.
posted by Jubey at 4:58 PM on September 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
If ultimatums don't work, don't tell him, it will just give him a head start to try to block you or make divorce a hell. Find a full time job and make your plans. He may think he has the power because you can't get a lease without him; he may feel differently when his meal ticket and all round slave walks out the door. It's strange that someone who can't or won't support themselves or their family thinks they have the stronghold over the one who can.
posted by Jubey at 4:58 PM on September 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Well, he's going back to therapy, so that's a start.
This is a very hard situation for a number of reasons. First off, your husband's self-image is in the toilet. He feels washed up and like a failure, both as an artist and as a husband and father, very probably. He likely considers teaching a poor recompense for all that he's sacrificed and given to his work, and is terrified of what his future holds. I'm not saying that he's justified in being histrionic, cruel, distant or unreasonable; I'm just pointing out that, to his way of thinking, his relevance as an artist has come to an end, which he's probably experiencing as a total loss of self. I'm sure it's also his expectation that you will do everything you can to soothe and rebuild his ego, since it sounds like he's not emotionally skilled or resilient enough to do it himself.
Meanwhile, you're trying to maintain your own identity, keep your world financially solvent, care for your kids and clients, and manage what sounds like exhaustion and perhaps some depression, too. He, naturally, doesn't see this for the huge burden it is because he's too wrapped up in his own identity crisis. So, you both need the other a huge amount right now but neither is really capable of being for the other what they need. Rinse, repeat, on and on.
First off, I'd advise you to get some emotional distance from him and stop taking on his feelings of failure and despair. This is particularly difficult when you're physically exhausted - as you are now - and (if I'm understanding correctly) isolated from family and lacking a strong support system outside your marriage. Anyway, the first thing I'd do in your situation is put a moratorium on what I imagine are the endless relationship discussions wherein he blames you for his failures and rails against the people who don't understand his work, and you attempt to knock some sense into him so that he can see that he does in fact have a wife and children who love him, and also a boatload of responsibilities that are not going anywhere, failed art career or otherwise. Right now, just stop having that discussion. Here's how - "David, I'm not having this discussion again. I need some psychological space from it until further notice and I expect you to respect my feelings on this matter." Then, leave the room and go eat something, take a shower, read your kid a book, anything. Don't rise to the inevitable bait he's going to dangle, endlessly, until he either slams out in frustration or becomes Mr. Reasonable in an effort to get you to be nice to him. Either way, calmly refuse to engage. This is very hard to do at first but I promise you you'll feel better in a relatively short period of time if you can just stick to your guns on this one issue and stop having this debilitating, endless fight.
Second, after you've had some room to breathe, I think you need to decide whether or not continuing to live as husband and wife is good for you psychologically. Truthfully, it sounds like you need to redefine for yourself the terms of your marriage while you decide what practical steps you need to take if you do decide to leave. I think this means that you need to stop having sex and, if possible, move into a bedroom of your own, or request that he start sleeping in the living area. This is not a withdrawal of sex to control him - this is a circling of your own personal wagons, so to speak, so that you can refocus your efforts for the sake of your children and your business. You have every right to this kind of space; you don't own each other and you're not obligated to sleep with someone who stresses you out to this degree.
Third - What about therapy for you? You need to talk to someone, too. If only for systemic issues like how to properly maintain your household, your grip on your own sanity and how to gain some psychological distance from your husband so that you can think clearly and in your own best interest. Do you have a physician there who might be able to recommend services for depression or marital issues?
Fourth - Do you have anyone you can begin a conversation with about how to get a rental agreement/lease as a freelancer? You have children. I think you might underestimate how much help might be available to you as a woman with kids. A lawyer will be able to help you better evaluate your options in this area. In my experience, there is always a sympathetic person out there who will go above and beyond; you just have to find them.
Fifth, and Hugely Important - You need at least one day off a week. At least. You have to consider that perhaps you, yourself, are putting yourself under an intense amount of work pressure to avoid your marital crisis. Look at your workload. Honestly assess what is 1.) vital to do right now and 2.) something that can wait 24 hours. A good friend can help you look at your responsibilities and help you figure out how to prune away non-essentials to enable you to have a breather. Or a counselor, whatever you feel comfortable with. You are probably thinking as you read this, "Yeah, right. Sure. There's no way in hell..." but I promise you, there is time for you if you put making time for yourself at the top of your priority list. Put on your own oxygen mask first, as they say. If it means you eat scrambled eggs every night for dinner and the laundry piles up, so be it. You're more important. You can't mother your kids if you're a husk.
These suggestions are just to help you parse your situation right now. Therapy might be enough to help you salvage your marriage. But, if it isn't, you are capable of making a plan, protecting yourself and your children, and moving on. It seems sad and overwhelming right now, and it is. But with a little distance you can begin to figure out what you really want.
Good luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 7:06 PM on September 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
This is a very hard situation for a number of reasons. First off, your husband's self-image is in the toilet. He feels washed up and like a failure, both as an artist and as a husband and father, very probably. He likely considers teaching a poor recompense for all that he's sacrificed and given to his work, and is terrified of what his future holds. I'm not saying that he's justified in being histrionic, cruel, distant or unreasonable; I'm just pointing out that, to his way of thinking, his relevance as an artist has come to an end, which he's probably experiencing as a total loss of self. I'm sure it's also his expectation that you will do everything you can to soothe and rebuild his ego, since it sounds like he's not emotionally skilled or resilient enough to do it himself.
Meanwhile, you're trying to maintain your own identity, keep your world financially solvent, care for your kids and clients, and manage what sounds like exhaustion and perhaps some depression, too. He, naturally, doesn't see this for the huge burden it is because he's too wrapped up in his own identity crisis. So, you both need the other a huge amount right now but neither is really capable of being for the other what they need. Rinse, repeat, on and on.
First off, I'd advise you to get some emotional distance from him and stop taking on his feelings of failure and despair. This is particularly difficult when you're physically exhausted - as you are now - and (if I'm understanding correctly) isolated from family and lacking a strong support system outside your marriage. Anyway, the first thing I'd do in your situation is put a moratorium on what I imagine are the endless relationship discussions wherein he blames you for his failures and rails against the people who don't understand his work, and you attempt to knock some sense into him so that he can see that he does in fact have a wife and children who love him, and also a boatload of responsibilities that are not going anywhere, failed art career or otherwise. Right now, just stop having that discussion. Here's how - "David, I'm not having this discussion again. I need some psychological space from it until further notice and I expect you to respect my feelings on this matter." Then, leave the room and go eat something, take a shower, read your kid a book, anything. Don't rise to the inevitable bait he's going to dangle, endlessly, until he either slams out in frustration or becomes Mr. Reasonable in an effort to get you to be nice to him. Either way, calmly refuse to engage. This is very hard to do at first but I promise you you'll feel better in a relatively short period of time if you can just stick to your guns on this one issue and stop having this debilitating, endless fight.
Second, after you've had some room to breathe, I think you need to decide whether or not continuing to live as husband and wife is good for you psychologically. Truthfully, it sounds like you need to redefine for yourself the terms of your marriage while you decide what practical steps you need to take if you do decide to leave. I think this means that you need to stop having sex and, if possible, move into a bedroom of your own, or request that he start sleeping in the living area. This is not a withdrawal of sex to control him - this is a circling of your own personal wagons, so to speak, so that you can refocus your efforts for the sake of your children and your business. You have every right to this kind of space; you don't own each other and you're not obligated to sleep with someone who stresses you out to this degree.
Third - What about therapy for you? You need to talk to someone, too. If only for systemic issues like how to properly maintain your household, your grip on your own sanity and how to gain some psychological distance from your husband so that you can think clearly and in your own best interest. Do you have a physician there who might be able to recommend services for depression or marital issues?
Fourth - Do you have anyone you can begin a conversation with about how to get a rental agreement/lease as a freelancer? You have children. I think you might underestimate how much help might be available to you as a woman with kids. A lawyer will be able to help you better evaluate your options in this area. In my experience, there is always a sympathetic person out there who will go above and beyond; you just have to find them.
Fifth, and Hugely Important - You need at least one day off a week. At least. You have to consider that perhaps you, yourself, are putting yourself under an intense amount of work pressure to avoid your marital crisis. Look at your workload. Honestly assess what is 1.) vital to do right now and 2.) something that can wait 24 hours. A good friend can help you look at your responsibilities and help you figure out how to prune away non-essentials to enable you to have a breather. Or a counselor, whatever you feel comfortable with. You are probably thinking as you read this, "Yeah, right. Sure. There's no way in hell..." but I promise you, there is time for you if you put making time for yourself at the top of your priority list. Put on your own oxygen mask first, as they say. If it means you eat scrambled eggs every night for dinner and the laundry piles up, so be it. You're more important. You can't mother your kids if you're a husk.
These suggestions are just to help you parse your situation right now. Therapy might be enough to help you salvage your marriage. But, if it isn't, you are capable of making a plan, protecting yourself and your children, and moving on. It seems sad and overwhelming right now, and it is. But with a little distance you can begin to figure out what you really want.
Good luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 7:06 PM on September 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
I can sort of see your situation from both angles - having dabbled in the art world, and currently as a primary breadwinner with a freelancing spouse.
First off, I don't think your husband is as terrible as some people here have suggested. He is NOT "absolving himself of adult responsibilities like helping to support his children," nor is it fair to say he is "someone who can't or won't support themselves.". He has a "regular teaching gig which covers the mortgage." That's nothing to spit at. And income disparities probably occur in most marriages...it sure does in mine.
Additionally, you said you love your family and that you cannot just leave. But your husband is driving you crazy and appears not to be pulling his weight around the house. And was rude to you about it. So I think the question is about how to deal with it, at least for the immediate future.
Here are a few thoughts.. first, it's OK to keep your thoughts about the future (divorce?) as a way to get through today. You wouldn't be the only person to be doing that!
You probably aren't gonna be able to change your husband significantly, so try to roll with some (not all) of his annoyances through either acceptance, or avoidance, whatever tricks work. Try to mentally "unload" his issues, and even some of your household issues, from being your responsibility...stop coming to the rescue so much.
I also like the idea above to start moving towards salaried employment as an eventual goal.
Finally, try to have focused discussions w/ your husband about just a few selected topics, with a goal to come to an agreement - as if you are business partners. If you think, for example, that your household needs additional income, you can tell him that you're maxed out with work, and suggest he gets another job. If he has alternate ideas, give them good-faith consideration. Hopefully you can arrive at fairly specific changes that you both are onboard with. You might be surprised at how big a difference even one small change could make to your outlook.
I have kids and I know how much a stable upbringing for them matters in these situations. You don't just go upending their lives because you and your spouse are in a rocky place or are struggling financially. So I get it that you feel stuck. Millions of married couples find themselves in similar situations..it's absurd, really. Just take it one day at a time and stay positive. I wish you good luck ~
posted by see_change at 7:53 PM on September 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
First off, I don't think your husband is as terrible as some people here have suggested. He is NOT "absolving himself of adult responsibilities like helping to support his children," nor is it fair to say he is "someone who can't or won't support themselves.". He has a "regular teaching gig which covers the mortgage." That's nothing to spit at. And income disparities probably occur in most marriages...it sure does in mine.
Additionally, you said you love your family and that you cannot just leave. But your husband is driving you crazy and appears not to be pulling his weight around the house. And was rude to you about it. So I think the question is about how to deal with it, at least for the immediate future.
Here are a few thoughts.. first, it's OK to keep your thoughts about the future (divorce?) as a way to get through today. You wouldn't be the only person to be doing that!
You probably aren't gonna be able to change your husband significantly, so try to roll with some (not all) of his annoyances through either acceptance, or avoidance, whatever tricks work. Try to mentally "unload" his issues, and even some of your household issues, from being your responsibility...stop coming to the rescue so much.
I also like the idea above to start moving towards salaried employment as an eventual goal.
Finally, try to have focused discussions w/ your husband about just a few selected topics, with a goal to come to an agreement - as if you are business partners. If you think, for example, that your household needs additional income, you can tell him that you're maxed out with work, and suggest he gets another job. If he has alternate ideas, give them good-faith consideration. Hopefully you can arrive at fairly specific changes that you both are onboard with. You might be surprised at how big a difference even one small change could make to your outlook.
I have kids and I know how much a stable upbringing for them matters in these situations. You don't just go upending their lives because you and your spouse are in a rocky place or are struggling financially. So I get it that you feel stuck. Millions of married couples find themselves in similar situations..it's absurd, really. Just take it one day at a time and stay positive. I wish you good luck ~
posted by see_change at 7:53 PM on September 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
You may love each other, but it doesn't sound like you respect one another anymore. I'd figure things out from that angle and and work on being better partners before doing anything drastic.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:32 PM on September 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:32 PM on September 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
he has a regular teaching gig which covers the mortgage
This seems huge to me. For many of us, having a job that entirely covers the mortgage is a complete career and a full income. It seems like the problem isn't that he doesn't contribute enough (unless the mortgage is really low and your other expenses really high) but that you are unhappy with his choices. That's not so much a money issue.
posted by Miko at 8:36 PM on September 11, 2013 [6 favorites]
This seems huge to me. For many of us, having a job that entirely covers the mortgage is a complete career and a full income. It seems like the problem isn't that he doesn't contribute enough (unless the mortgage is really low and your other expenses really high) but that you are unhappy with his choices. That's not so much a money issue.
posted by Miko at 8:36 PM on September 11, 2013 [6 favorites]
I would side with see_change and Miko. I don't think the issue is that he's an artist who doesn't bring in money. There are countless examples of artists who are supported by their spouses because the spouse sincerely believes in the work and understands that quality art can't always be measured in a market (e.g. the story of Ben Fountain). Two questions to maybe ask yourself though: do you believe in your husband's work? And do you think your husband is respectful and appreciative of your sacrifice? I'm honestly not sure of your opinions on either question based on your post, which is saying something.
Anyway, if your answer is "no" to the first question, that makes things more difficult -- not insurmountable, but in most circumstances like yours that I've encountered that are successful the spouse genuinely believes in the partner, and not in a "oh, it's nice he gets to enjoy/express himself" way, but in a "he is contributing something unique and potentially important to the world and he is giving his all to do it" kind of way.
As for the second question, if your answer is "no" there, then your partner just isn't doing his job as a partner and you should either have a serious talk with him in which you set him straight or move on. It's not your job to allow him to survive as an artist. It's your job to respect and encourage him as a partner to the best of your ability and vice versa. Everything else is gravy, and he should be appreciative. At least that's what it seems to me.
posted by vecchio at 10:20 PM on September 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Anyway, if your answer is "no" to the first question, that makes things more difficult -- not insurmountable, but in most circumstances like yours that I've encountered that are successful the spouse genuinely believes in the partner, and not in a "oh, it's nice he gets to enjoy/express himself" way, but in a "he is contributing something unique and potentially important to the world and he is giving his all to do it" kind of way.
As for the second question, if your answer is "no" there, then your partner just isn't doing his job as a partner and you should either have a serious talk with him in which you set him straight or move on. It's not your job to allow him to survive as an artist. It's your job to respect and encourage him as a partner to the best of your ability and vice versa. Everything else is gravy, and he should be appreciative. At least that's what it seems to me.
posted by vecchio at 10:20 PM on September 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think I am reading your dissatisfaction as feeling like the load is already unevenly distributed with you carrying the greater weight, and he's demanding you take on even more (helping his with his career)?
If he's at that mid-career tipping point, I'm pretty sure he'd do better without your help/representation/advice. If he wants to make his big push, he needs professional guidance, not a long-suffering wife. Step back, and take that responsibility off your shoulders. It's his dream.
And speaking from my own experience, I wish I had just turned around once and said to my "mortgage-coverer" (who believed that was the panacea in terms of his obligation to family) that I needed help. Irrespective of his dreams, I needed help. With mine.
I look back on that time as being kind of bullied, honestly, by his big dreams. I'm sure I enabled that, I did my part. Interestingly, when we split up, he quickly met someone else and got a regular job.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:22 AM on September 12, 2013
If he's at that mid-career tipping point, I'm pretty sure he'd do better without your help/representation/advice. If he wants to make his big push, he needs professional guidance, not a long-suffering wife. Step back, and take that responsibility off your shoulders. It's his dream.
And speaking from my own experience, I wish I had just turned around once and said to my "mortgage-coverer" (who believed that was the panacea in terms of his obligation to family) that I needed help. Irrespective of his dreams, I needed help. With mine.
I look back on that time as being kind of bullied, honestly, by his big dreams. I'm sure I enabled that, I did my part. Interestingly, when we split up, he quickly met someone else and got a regular job.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:22 AM on September 12, 2013
I want to address this one point: Ultimatums don't work.
Ultimatums don't work only when the person making the ultimatum doesn't follow through. There isn't anything else about them to work - otherwise they're just empty threats.
Instead, I would figure out what you & your children need in the short term to be functioning and healthy, then make that happen. Forget about what he needs.
posted by lyssabee at 6:41 AM on September 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ultimatums don't work only when the person making the ultimatum doesn't follow through. There isn't anything else about them to work - otherwise they're just empty threats.
Instead, I would figure out what you & your children need in the short term to be functioning and healthy, then make that happen. Forget about what he needs.
posted by lyssabee at 6:41 AM on September 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
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Is it that together, neither you nor your husband make enough money to cover your expenses? Or do you expect him to make more money? Either with his art or without?
Does his teaching job bring in a viable income? Does your freelancing?
Isn't money, money? Why does the bank not recognize money you make from freelancing? Why would they need to?
Shouldn't your husband's art speak for itself? Why does his communication matter?
From what I can parse from your question, here are your issues:
1. Together my husband and I don't make enough money to cover living expenses.
2. My husband is chasing his dream of being an artist long past its due date.
3. My husband expects me to support his artistic endeavors and I don't want to.
4. I'm tired and I want a more stabile financial future.
If you have a good marriage, it is a mutually sustaining enterprise. This doesn't sound that way to me.
Start out by having a serious discussion with your husband. Tell him that while you support his art as an outlet, that in the near future this is not his ticket to wealth and fame. Explain that you are working very hard to make your financial contribution to your family but you fear that currently, between the two of you, it's not enough.
Tell him what you want. Do you want him to get a better paying job? How reasonable is that? Do you want to get a better paying job, and he needs to pitch in more around the house to make that happen? Tell him that.
Is there a way you can get a salaried job that would sustain you and your children? Can you and your husband sell your home? That way you can rent somewhere and provide for your children by yourself. Your husband can contribute to your household and live his own life.
If you made more money would the rest of it bother you? If you made more money, would you take the kids and run for the hills?
What is it that you want to do?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:09 PM on September 11, 2013 [6 favorites]