Relationship ambivalence- move with SO or go?
September 9, 2013 5:51 PM Subscribe
I'm trying to understand why I am having such doubt about my 1-year-ish relationship. Whenever I feel like I've made my mind up to stay or go, a week later I feel differently. At this point, I don't trust my own judgement and could really use outside perspectives. He's moving for work soon and, given my doubts, should I move with him? Or just break things off and take a job where I can get one- overseas?
I began having second thoughts about my boyfriend (he's 30, I'm 35) pretty early on. When we met, I was in the process of a divorce, and my boyfriend was too. We knew each other through work. I knew he was going through a divorce too, so I invited him for a beer. Honestly, I was just looking to get laid but as we got to know each other, I felt something special with him.
We moved in together way too quickly and I started feeling the whiplash a few months into it. Smothered. Trapped. Etc. I talked with him about it, and he was kinda like- well, here we are now, the lease is signed, what can we do about it?
On top of that, there are some issues that I'm not sure can be changed. Some his, some mine. He's a bit needy and controlling in a codependent way. I'm physically turned off by him. (He's finally stopped blowing his nose in his hand and wiping it on his shirt, but he still eats like a barnyard animal.) Basically, he's got this sorta not-quite-grown-up vibe which is fun, but not where I want to spend the rest of my life.
I know deep down I didn't give myself enough time to be on my own after my divorce. The idea of taking a job offer overseas (which is what I would have done if I hadn't met my BF) has never totally left me. I'm struggling to find work here and I get really excited when I think about starting a career overseas. But I fear that I will regret leaving my boyfriend. He can be gross, but he really is a sweetheart. One of a kind. We care about each other deeply. I don't have much of a relationship with my family and not a good support system. Will I be able to handle the emotional whiplash of a breakup during such a drastic life change as moving to another country? How will I overcome my doubts in the grip of homesickness? Maybe my doubts are normal and I'm just nitpicking him to death?
Our relationship counselor says I'm not ready for a relationship, but I'm not ready to go overseas either.
I have to get over this. The limbo sucks for all parties. He's moving for work soon and it's expected that I'm moving with him. I feel like I'm just using him if I move with him, buying myself some time. More time to be certain about the relationship and a chance to get on my own two feet in a new city. If I were able to support myself without leaving the country, would that change the dynamic of our relationship and make things better? Would a fresh start help my perspective?
Or am I just kidding myself?
Staying in my current town on my own isn't an option financially. So, it's- breakup and go overseas asap, or move with boyfriend and see how things develop.
I began having second thoughts about my boyfriend (he's 30, I'm 35) pretty early on. When we met, I was in the process of a divorce, and my boyfriend was too. We knew each other through work. I knew he was going through a divorce too, so I invited him for a beer. Honestly, I was just looking to get laid but as we got to know each other, I felt something special with him.
We moved in together way too quickly and I started feeling the whiplash a few months into it. Smothered. Trapped. Etc. I talked with him about it, and he was kinda like- well, here we are now, the lease is signed, what can we do about it?
On top of that, there are some issues that I'm not sure can be changed. Some his, some mine. He's a bit needy and controlling in a codependent way. I'm physically turned off by him. (He's finally stopped blowing his nose in his hand and wiping it on his shirt, but he still eats like a barnyard animal.) Basically, he's got this sorta not-quite-grown-up vibe which is fun, but not where I want to spend the rest of my life.
I know deep down I didn't give myself enough time to be on my own after my divorce. The idea of taking a job offer overseas (which is what I would have done if I hadn't met my BF) has never totally left me. I'm struggling to find work here and I get really excited when I think about starting a career overseas. But I fear that I will regret leaving my boyfriend. He can be gross, but he really is a sweetheart. One of a kind. We care about each other deeply. I don't have much of a relationship with my family and not a good support system. Will I be able to handle the emotional whiplash of a breakup during such a drastic life change as moving to another country? How will I overcome my doubts in the grip of homesickness? Maybe my doubts are normal and I'm just nitpicking him to death?
Our relationship counselor says I'm not ready for a relationship, but I'm not ready to go overseas either.
I have to get over this. The limbo sucks for all parties. He's moving for work soon and it's expected that I'm moving with him. I feel like I'm just using him if I move with him, buying myself some time. More time to be certain about the relationship and a chance to get on my own two feet in a new city. If I were able to support myself without leaving the country, would that change the dynamic of our relationship and make things better? Would a fresh start help my perspective?
Or am I just kidding myself?
Staying in my current town on my own isn't an option financially. So, it's- breakup and go overseas asap, or move with boyfriend and see how things develop.
No words about loving him and he's "gross"? Smothered? I think you know in your heart that this relationship is not going to work. I'd suggest it's time to end it.
posted by Lescha at 5:57 PM on September 9, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by Lescha at 5:57 PM on September 9, 2013 [8 favorites]
End it.
posted by Sebmojo at 5:59 PM on September 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Sebmojo at 5:59 PM on September 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
He may be a sweetheart, but that's not enough. Your run-down of the situation sounds like a reasonable list of reasons to break up. Your relationship counselor agrees. Take the overseas job.
posted by quince at 5:59 PM on September 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by quince at 5:59 PM on September 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
He's moving for work soon and, given my doubts, should I move with him?
I stopped reading there, because the answer to that question is a resounding "no".
posted by mhoye at 6:08 PM on September 9, 2013
I stopped reading there, because the answer to that question is a resounding "no".
posted by mhoye at 6:08 PM on September 9, 2013
I have no idea why you're with this guy. I don't mean that in a disparaging way toward him -- I mean there's multiple paragraphs here with some very valid complaints about him and the state of your relationship both, and the only good things you have to say about him is that he's a sweetheart, unique, and cares about you. I'm sure there are other nice aspects to him, of course, but you certainly didn't feel a need to mention them, which is telling.
Right now you seem to have a pile of nits, no picking necessary. Get outta Dodge.
posted by griphus at 6:09 PM on September 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Right now you seem to have a pile of nits, no picking necessary. Get outta Dodge.
posted by griphus at 6:09 PM on September 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
You both deserve to be with people who feel more than ambivalence about the relationship. You don't have kids or any other compelling circumstance for staying together. End it - it's the right thing for you and the kind thing for him.
posted by telegraph at 6:11 PM on September 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by telegraph at 6:11 PM on September 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
I thought this line was pretty powerful "We care about each other deeply."
A signed lease has nothing to do with your feeling of being smothered. Why would you let the discussion end there? If you really care about him, fight for what you want. Don't stop bringing up what's bothering you. If you don't care, then leave.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 6:22 PM on September 9, 2013
A signed lease has nothing to do with your feeling of being smothered. Why would you let the discussion end there? If you really care about him, fight for what you want. Don't stop bringing up what's bothering you. If you don't care, then leave.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 6:22 PM on September 9, 2013
You should do the thing you describe as exciting and not the thing you describe as a needy, disgusting, smothering barnyard animal who is a physical turn-off. You're going to have to make a clean break anyway. Being in another country will only make it easier.
posted by bleep at 6:35 PM on September 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by bleep at 6:35 PM on September 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
You've already been through one failed marriage. Why would you even live with somebody if you weren't very keen on marrying him? (As a 40+ divorced person, I use this barometer for anybody who is dating potential. I think it's important to raise your relationship standards. Do you want to keep dating like a 20-year-old, looking only at the short term?)
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:37 PM on September 9, 2013
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:37 PM on September 9, 2013
Will I be able to handle the emotional whiplash of a breakup during such a drastic life change as moving to another country? How will I overcome my doubts in the grip of homesickness?
This seems like one of the best ways to get over a relationship with someone you aren't even all that into in the first place. You may well find that there is very little emotional whiplash, and little to no homesickness. In other words, why project emotional whiplash onto a relationship that at best is unsatisfying, and homesickness onto a place where you say you have not much of a relationship with your family? Go to the exciting job overseas.
posted by oneirodynia at 8:05 PM on September 9, 2013
This seems like one of the best ways to get over a relationship with someone you aren't even all that into in the first place. You may well find that there is very little emotional whiplash, and little to no homesickness. In other words, why project emotional whiplash onto a relationship that at best is unsatisfying, and homesickness onto a place where you say you have not much of a relationship with your family? Go to the exciting job overseas.
posted by oneirodynia at 8:05 PM on September 9, 2013
Get out. You do not have even a fraction of enough zoom for this guy to stay with him.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:17 PM on September 9, 2013
posted by Lyn Never at 8:17 PM on September 9, 2013
it sounds like you need to learn to stand on your own two feet. you can get a roommate or rent a room somewhere if you aren't ready to go overseas. move to a less expensive city on your own if need be. no one likes to be used so let your bf go.
posted by wildflower at 9:06 PM on September 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by wildflower at 9:06 PM on September 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
The crux of the issue here is that you've decided there's only two options:
- Stay with your boyfriend.
- Break up and move overseas.
By conflating breaking up with moving overseas, you've put yourself into a situation where you don't want to do either option. Hence your stasis.
I think you do need to break up with this fellow, no matter what that means for the rest of your life. He deserves better than somebody who thinks he's gross, and so do you. Then work out a way to live in your town for a while until you can make a decision about whether you want to go overseas, move someplace within your own country, or stay where you are.
(Even if you can't live by yourself in your town, I'd be surprised if there aren't options. Share a home with others. Rent somebody's granny flat, basement, attic, or room above a garage. Work out a deal with an elderly or less mobile person so you do some chores in exchange for reduced rent. And so on.)
Once you separate the breaking up decision from the moving overseas decision, I think the answer will become clearer to you.
posted by Georgina at 9:10 PM on September 9, 2013 [7 favorites]
- Stay with your boyfriend.
- Break up and move overseas.
By conflating breaking up with moving overseas, you've put yourself into a situation where you don't want to do either option. Hence your stasis.
I think you do need to break up with this fellow, no matter what that means for the rest of your life. He deserves better than somebody who thinks he's gross, and so do you. Then work out a way to live in your town for a while until you can make a decision about whether you want to go overseas, move someplace within your own country, or stay where you are.
(Even if you can't live by yourself in your town, I'd be surprised if there aren't options. Share a home with others. Rent somebody's granny flat, basement, attic, or room above a garage. Work out a deal with an elderly or less mobile person so you do some chores in exchange for reduced rent. And so on.)
Once you separate the breaking up decision from the moving overseas decision, I think the answer will become clearer to you.
posted by Georgina at 9:10 PM on September 9, 2013 [7 favorites]
I really cannot imagine that you'd have a hard time in new exciting place finding a new, more compatible, special one of a kind unique boyfriend if you found this one at work and judged him to be a good quick lay option initially.
You seem to like putting all your eggs in one basket (ALL IN with boyfriend or MOVE TO NEW PLACE). Perhaps when you break up with this guy you could force some time for diversification.
posted by skrozidile at 9:33 PM on September 9, 2013
You seem to like putting all your eggs in one basket (ALL IN with boyfriend or MOVE TO NEW PLACE). Perhaps when you break up with this guy you could force some time for diversification.
posted by skrozidile at 9:33 PM on September 9, 2013
I had to read the nose blowing thing twice to realize you weren't joking. That's not gross - it's disgusting and bizarre. He's stopped doing it , but come on, you deserve better, no?
posted by Dansaman at 9:56 PM on September 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Dansaman at 9:56 PM on September 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Face it, this relationship is over. I'll go farther: it should never have started, because the only thing you seem to have in common is your recent divorces and a subsequent desperate *need* to be in a relationship, ANY relationship. You're clinging to this guy out of what looks like a deep, deep fear of being alone, as if being alone was somehow worse than being with someone who makes you miserable.
Think about this: you're obviously not going to be with him forever; why drag out the pain? The ONLY thing you sound excited about in your post is the prospect of working overseas; everything you write about BF sounds flat and depressed.
I don't see why the *only* choices are 1)Move with BF or 2)Move overseas; surely you could find a way to live in your current town (example: keep current job and get a rent-sharing-only, not-romantic roommate). But, okay, that's the only options you see. If you move with BF, you will be unhappy, socially alone and unemployed. If you take an overseas job without him, you will be socially alone but WILL be employed.
posted by easily confused at 3:02 AM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Think about this: you're obviously not going to be with him forever; why drag out the pain? The ONLY thing you sound excited about in your post is the prospect of working overseas; everything you write about BF sounds flat and depressed.
I don't see why the *only* choices are 1)Move with BF or 2)Move overseas; surely you could find a way to live in your current town (example: keep current job and get a rent-sharing-only, not-romantic roommate). But, okay, that's the only options you see. If you move with BF, you will be unhappy, socially alone and unemployed. If you take an overseas job without him, you will be socially alone but WILL be employed.
posted by easily confused at 3:02 AM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I began having second thoughts about my boyfriend... pretty early on.
Listen to your early on self.
posted by snorkmaiden at 6:56 AM on September 10, 2013
Listen to your early on self.
posted by snorkmaiden at 6:56 AM on September 10, 2013
Best answer: I say you should break up and pursue the job overseas. I don't know what your life is like or your personality, but I hate change and my life seems to take a "when it rains, it pours" course. As much as I hate that, I' often surprise how...not complicated things are once I just go with the change. You sound like your clining to the "regular" because its the known and maybe a paradigm shift is what you need right now, either to find out its where you belong, or to affirm that the town / type of work you're in now is where you belong.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:40 AM on September 10, 2013
posted by WeekendJen at 8:40 AM on September 10, 2013
If you are physically repulsed by your boyfriend, (and-oh-my-god-the-blowing-his-nose-on-his-hand-thing!!!! UUUURRRGGGHHHH), then chances are you shouldn't be with him!
posted by JenThePro at 1:11 PM on September 10, 2013
posted by JenThePro at 1:11 PM on September 10, 2013
Response by poster: Thank you for all of your thoughts. I hear you loud and clear. Diversify, yes. It may be a moot point, but I wanted to add that I'm not repulsed by him and I do love him. He's a supportive and caring partner. When things are good, we're so happy together and I look forward to our future. But my doubts creep up again, that urge to pack up and be on my own. Then I start fixating on his rough edges, the open mouth chewing, the blowing his nose in his hands, etc.
Maybe none of this matters. Overall, I think he is the guy I feel like I should want to marry. And I latched onto him after my divorce because he is the opposite of my ex. Things like loyalty, respect, kindness. But I'm learning those are the basics for a relationship, and not every decent good guy will be a great fit for me. It's tough though because I don't want to hurt him and I always have second thoughts.
posted by dollyllama at 3:22 PM on September 10, 2013
Maybe none of this matters. Overall, I think he is the guy I feel like I should want to marry. And I latched onto him after my divorce because he is the opposite of my ex. Things like loyalty, respect, kindness. But I'm learning those are the basics for a relationship, and not every decent good guy will be a great fit for me. It's tough though because I don't want to hurt him and I always have second thoughts.
posted by dollyllama at 3:22 PM on September 10, 2013
"He is the guy I feel like I should want to marry" --- please note, that's not AT ALL the same as "I want to marry him!"
I'm sorry, but while you've come to appreciate his good points (the loyalty, respect and kindness), there are too many 'bad' points that drive you nuts. He may very well be a decent, good guy; he just doesn't seem to be the decent, good guy FOR YOU.
But maybe give the middle ground a try, and see what happens: don't break up, and don't quit your job to follow him to his new job --- instead, he moves (by himself) to New Place for his new job, you take your dream overseas job, and you two have a long distance relationship.
posted by easily confused at 5:12 PM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry, but while you've come to appreciate his good points (the loyalty, respect and kindness), there are too many 'bad' points that drive you nuts. He may very well be a decent, good guy; he just doesn't seem to be the decent, good guy FOR YOU.
But maybe give the middle ground a try, and see what happens: don't break up, and don't quit your job to follow him to his new job --- instead, he moves (by himself) to New Place for his new job, you take your dream overseas job, and you two have a long distance relationship.
posted by easily confused at 5:12 PM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you have doubts, that's your gut talking. Trust your gut.
posted by bleep at 6:48 PM on September 10, 2013
posted by bleep at 6:48 PM on September 10, 2013
Response by poster: Thank you all! Gave me the validation I was seeking. The other night he texted me when I was at the grocery store, asking what was I doing that was taking so long. Earlier, he had called me very upset and yelled at me when I hadn't responded to a text after 20 minutes.
For me, I see the mild controlling stuff he does is getting worse (and yep we have talked about it). My attraction for him is nil at this point. I know that I can't be with someone who is even a little bit controlling. I divorced that, no interest in following that yellow brick road again.
Working in a way to possibly stay in the states. All I want is a way to support myself and have a little apartment with my cats. I hope I can find enough work here, but I can still go overseas if nothing works out.
Thanks again for your input!
posted by dollyllama at 12:07 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
For me, I see the mild controlling stuff he does is getting worse (and yep we have talked about it). My attraction for him is nil at this point. I know that I can't be with someone who is even a little bit controlling. I divorced that, no interest in following that yellow brick road again.
Working in a way to possibly stay in the states. All I want is a way to support myself and have a little apartment with my cats. I hope I can find enough work here, but I can still go overseas if nothing works out.
Thanks again for your input!
posted by dollyllama at 12:07 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
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