another long good-bye

September 3, 2013 7:38 AM

Little Llama's grandfather takes care of her for a few hours after school some days, before me or Mr. Llama get home from work. What are some sensitive, deft ways to get your beloved family member childcare provider to go home at the end of the day?

Grandpa Llama is not a keen observer of social cues. The typical things one says to get people to leave: 'Well, thanks for helping us out!' or starting to do the dishes or redirecting Little Llama to a new activity, or just standing around like I'm waiting for something -- all of these do not trigger the 'I'd better get going' response that 99% of the rest of the population would pick up. He'll just get distracted and he and Little Llama will spend another half an hour looking for rocks and squinting at mica flecks. Or Little Llama will start talking about a feather she found and drag him upstairs to look at the feather. Or out to the backyard so they can stare at mushrooms.

Directness is a non-starter. That family doesn't do that (I would, with my family, but we are different.) It would be rude for me to be direct about it, and Mr. Llama can't pull it off.

We love Grandpa Llama, we are grateful for his help and his strong relationship with and influence on Little Llama. We also love rocks, feathers, mushrooms, worms, and interesting dirt, but the end of the day is a tightly wound series of events that sits on Pause until Grandpa leaves, and it is a tight schedule with an 8PM bedtime for Little Llama.

Is there some secret code I'm missing here? Is there a Guess culture way to say 'Hey, party's over!'

posted by A Terrible Llama to Human Relations (17 answers total)

Could you try "Well, I bet Grandma Llama will have dinner ready soon, you'll probably want to get going, I guess..."? Other than that, can you just move on with the regularly scheduled events, Grandpa or no?
posted by Rock Steady at 7:43 AM on September 3, 2013

"Alright dad, we need to get started with our evening routine for little llama. Thanks as always--we are so grateful. See you tomorrow!"
posted by greta simone at 7:44 AM on September 3, 2013 [9 favorites]

Also, what if you craft a reason why it is to his benefit to leave as soon as you get home? His dinner being ready for him at his own home? Is there a Grandma Llama that you could speak with to see if maybe she could help in the process?
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:46 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Maybe you could tell Grandpa Llama that Little Llama needs a more structured routine these days, so when you arrive, you could have a "plan" for him leaving, so she can start the "post-Grandpa routine"? That will make him feel like his departure is part of the process of helping his grandchild, and will let you get him out of the house.
posted by xingcat at 7:51 AM on September 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

Best answer: You need to have a sitdown with Grandpa Llama and lay out the tightly wound series of events (TWSOE), but not in a "Here's what you are fucking up" sort of way:

"Dad, we'd like your input on Little Llama's schedule. We want her in bed by 8, so let's backwards-plan from there. It takes her 30 minutes to get ready for bed, including bath, so we should be starting that at 7:30, right? Hey, what do you think would work to get her to be more willing to take that bath on time? ... Great. Now, dinner should take 30 minutes, so we start that at 7... [much discussion follows] Okay, so it looks like when we get home at 6, I should take you home while [Mr./Mrs.] Llama starts on dinner. Sound good?"

And then, when you get home at 6, you say, "Okay, Grandpa Llama has to go now so [Mom/Dad] can start on dinner. Give him a big hug!" Make Little Llama's participation part of the TWSOE process, so Grandpa understands that when he continues to hunt for bugs, he's screwing up the process. If you get home at 5:45 instead, give them a little flex, but set an alarm for 6 so everyone recognizes Time To Start the TWSOE.
posted by Etrigan at 7:52 AM on September 3, 2013 [12 favorites]

"Alright, Little Llama, it's time for Grandpa to go home now. Come say goodbye so he can get going!" Then, to Grandpa, "Dad, let's walk out to your car. Little Llama needs to know that you're for sure leaving in order to start winding down for dinner and bed."
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:54 AM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

Rather than being direct with him about HIS leaving, could you be direct with him about the schedule for Little Llama? "Okay, Grandpa, here's what we're doing for the next twenty minutes. By 7:30, Little Llama has to be out of the bath. You can either help Mr. Llama with bathtime, help A Terrible Llama with dinner, or you can head on home. Which would you prefer?"
posted by ocherdraco at 7:55 AM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Perhaps this is clear to you, but it's not clear to me - why does Grandpa have to leave? Couldn't you cook dinner, invite him to eat with you and Little Llama, have him help with the bath, etc? And give him several opportunities to say no? (ie ask him at every stage if he'd like to stay for X).

I understand you may want some family alone time, but if this isn't every day, why not ask him to join you? Sounds like both he and LL would love it.
posted by nkknkk at 7:57 AM on September 3, 2013 [30 favorites]

"Thanks so much for helping us out! Here's your jacket. Little Llama, let's walk grandpa to the car and say goodbye."
posted by bunderful at 8:08 AM on September 3, 2013

the end of the day is a tightly wound series of events that sits on Pause until Grandpa leaves, and it is a tight schedule with an 8PM bedtime for Little Llama

But why does everything pause for him? It's not like he's a stranger that has to be entertained. Say "It's time for LL to do Thing X" and then do that thing. If he wants to help, he can, but otherwise why can't he just sit on the couch and chill while you do whatever?

My family is more like your in-laws and my father is retired and sometimes hangs out at my house for long periods of time. I certainly don't rearrange my schedule to accommodate him, I just do my thing and he sits and has a cup of coffee and complains about my mother. My husband has learned to tolerate this and often sits with him. I think that if you are invested in keeping your tight schedule without your FIL hanging around that you need to find alternate childcare arrangements on those days because at least in my family, there is no way to say "hey I need you to do X from 4-6 but then you need to leave, thanks" without causing serious hurt feelings.
posted by crankylex at 8:27 AM on September 3, 2013 [17 favorites]

Response by poster: I'd rather not get into a derail about why we don't want to add a guest for dinner or just let him hang out as long as he wants or whatever. This is a regular thing and those options are not in the mix.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 9:18 AM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Another perspective: if Grandpa watches Little Llama free of charge, he might (perhaps understandably) feel entitled to hang out after you get home.

I like the advice others have given about making it about Little Llama's structure: "OK, LL, five more minutes with Grandpa, and then he's gotta go home to Grandma..."
posted by Rykey at 9:23 AM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Perhaps this is clear to you, but it's not clear to me - why does Grandpa have to leave?

I am in this same boat.

Reason 1: I want to take my bra off. My inlaws don't need to see that. (this is completely serious - this is my number one reason I don't want people at my house right after work. It's an absolute necessity for me to take my bra off for a while.)
2: I have shit to do and it will require 100% of my attention which means completely ignoring guests. This comes off rude.
3. This is my down time; people staying means I'm a host.
4. My mom does this and won't leave, and talks constantly while I try to go about my evening. I'm expected to listen and reciprocate in the conversation, but I can't do that while my focus is elsewhere. It's exhausting & frustrating.

Something that has worked for me is to never sit down when I get home. Ask how the day was, allow a short transition time and then say very clearly, "Well, we've got to get started on dinner!" but don't move! Just wait. Don't go in the kitchen. Move toward the door and encourage little llama to say goodbye. Other phrases I use: "Do you need me to take anything to the car?" & "You'll probably want to get going before traffic gets too bad."
posted by peep at 9:32 AM on September 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

"Oh, let us walk you to your car!"
posted by amtho at 9:44 AM on September 3, 2013

The guess-culture way I've seen this done best is, "Well, thanks again so much, and now we'll have to let you get going...". Said in a tone of regret, as if they were, in fact, totally sad to see me go, and wished I could stay, but they knew I had something else important to do.

Worked like a charm for years, till I got better at social cues (and then I left earlier).
posted by ldthomps at 10:57 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Reason 1: I want to take my bra off.

Sing it, sister.

Thanks everybody.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:29 PM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

"Little Llama, let's walk Grandpa out to the car and say good-bye. We have a million things to do and Grandpa probably does too. Thanks so much for your help, Grandpa. See you Thursday!"
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:07 PM on September 3, 2013