Passive-aggressive note from downstairs neighbor. How to react?
September 2, 2013 7:09 PM Subscribe
Visiting a lover for the next week. Got a passive-aggressive note from the downstairs neighbors regarding our noise levels. We really want to respond in the next 2 hours, before we go out for dinner and get back tonight - what should we say to them? Help!
I'm visiting this um friend of mine for the next week. We've been having sex every night since Friday. Yesterday evening we were sitting on the floor of his bedroom and just talking (before the sex), and we heard/felt the downstairs neighbor bang on the floor.
We went out for a walk today, and when we got back just now we found this note right outside my friend's apartment door. (The other side of the note just says: "Thanks in advance for your consideration. -Apt #1")
Putting aside the bit where no reasonable person living in an apartment in a big city complains about noise from people having sex over a holiday weekend, how do we deal with this?
I'd really love to find some way to have a practical conversation about this, and ask questions like: Would it be helpful if we played music to cover up the details, or would that just be louder and more annoying? Is anyone sleeping in the room below the other bedroom, and would it help if we switched rooms? And so on. But that seems socially unacceptable.
My friend mostly just wants to find a way to at least let them know that this is only going to go on for the rest of the week, and after that he'll return to his usual default quiet for the foreseeable future.
Should he leave a note by their door, or knock on their door and talk to them directly?
What should he even say?
I fly out of here in a week, but I don't want to leave him with an awkward and adversarial situation with his neighbors. But of course I also don't want to stop having sex with him (again, I fly out of here in a week!).
We'd really like to deal with this in the next couple hours, to minimize awkwardness when we get back from dinner tonight.
Help us Metafilter, you're our only hope!
I'm visiting this um friend of mine for the next week. We've been having sex every night since Friday. Yesterday evening we were sitting on the floor of his bedroom and just talking (before the sex), and we heard/felt the downstairs neighbor bang on the floor.
We went out for a walk today, and when we got back just now we found this note right outside my friend's apartment door. (The other side of the note just says: "Thanks in advance for your consideration. -Apt #1")
Putting aside the bit where no reasonable person living in an apartment in a big city complains about noise from people having sex over a holiday weekend, how do we deal with this?
I'd really love to find some way to have a practical conversation about this, and ask questions like: Would it be helpful if we played music to cover up the details, or would that just be louder and more annoying? Is anyone sleeping in the room below the other bedroom, and would it help if we switched rooms? And so on. But that seems socially unacceptable.
My friend mostly just wants to find a way to at least let them know that this is only going to go on for the rest of the week, and after that he'll return to his usual default quiet for the foreseeable future.
Should he leave a note by their door, or knock on their door and talk to them directly?
What should he even say?
I fly out of here in a week, but I don't want to leave him with an awkward and adversarial situation with his neighbors. But of course I also don't want to stop having sex with him (again, I fly out of here in a week!).
We'd really like to deal with this in the next couple hours, to minimize awkwardness when we get back from dinner tonight.
Help us Metafilter, you're our only hope!
This seems really really obvious but... have sex quietly?
It's been covered before, and the general consensus is, in an apartment, you need to be considerate, especially late at night. Period. Not everyone has the same work schedule you might, and some even *gasp* work on holidays.
posted by celtalitha at 7:19 PM on September 2, 2013 [79 favorites]
It's been covered before, and the general consensus is, in an apartment, you need to be considerate, especially late at night. Period. Not everyone has the same work schedule you might, and some even *gasp* work on holidays.
posted by celtalitha at 7:19 PM on September 2, 2013 [79 favorites]
I find that note actually pretty reasonable and direct; I certainly wouldn't characterize it as passive aggressive.
I think the best course of action would be to go and talk to the neighbor, apologize for the noise, let them know you're just in town for the week, and tell them you'll be more mindful of the noise. Then try to keep the loud sexytimes to, say, before 10pm.
No reasonable person expects to dictate what goes on in others' apartments (no matter how thin the walls are), but it's just good manners to keep the noise down late at night in an apartment building.
posted by Betelgeuse at 7:19 PM on September 2, 2013 [73 favorites]
I think the best course of action would be to go and talk to the neighbor, apologize for the noise, let them know you're just in town for the week, and tell them you'll be more mindful of the noise. Then try to keep the loud sexytimes to, say, before 10pm.
No reasonable person expects to dictate what goes on in others' apartments (no matter how thin the walls are), but it's just good manners to keep the noise down late at night in an apartment building.
posted by Betelgeuse at 7:19 PM on September 2, 2013 [73 favorites]
I'm not sure the neighbor needs a response other than you being quieter in the bedroom at night. Do your talking in the living room, don't have loud sex late at night. Loud upstairs neighbors having late night sex during the weekend/holiday is one thing, it is entirely something else when people have to work the next day. His neighbors probably have to work tomorrow morning and they really don't care about the particulars of your sex life.
posted by crankylex at 7:20 PM on September 2, 2013 [17 favorites]
posted by crankylex at 7:20 PM on September 2, 2013 [17 favorites]
Wow, that is a super polite note, not passive aggressive at all. Please don't address it with them, just be quieter and fool around early in the evening instead of late. Definitely don't add noise to the situation (e.g. music) -- that's a very aggressive move.
posted by brainmouse at 7:20 PM on September 2, 2013 [93 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 7:20 PM on September 2, 2013 [93 favorites]
That note doesn't seem passive-aggressive to me. In fact some people (i.e. those who would not want their neighbors to hear all their conversations and...everything else) might even find it considerate. Its tone is not impolite, and the method is far less embarassing than a face to face conversation.
If I were you/him, I'd leave a note under their door saying "Sorry, we didn't realize the floors/walls were that thin. We (and I - usually it is just me living here alone, I have a guest this week) will make an effort to be quieter in the future."
posted by DestinationUnknown at 7:20 PM on September 2, 2013 [25 favorites]
If I were you/him, I'd leave a note under their door saying "Sorry, we didn't realize the floors/walls were that thin. We (and I - usually it is just me living here alone, I have a guest this week) will make an effort to be quieter in the future."
posted by DestinationUnknown at 7:20 PM on September 2, 2013 [25 favorites]
That is not a passive aggressive note; it's a great note. And it is entirely not the case that no reasonable person living in an apartment in a big city complains about noise from people having sex over a holiday weekend.
The solution is to make less noise, and to run a fan or some music.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:20 PM on September 2, 2013 [40 favorites]
The solution is to make less noise, and to run a fan or some music.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:20 PM on September 2, 2013 [40 favorites]
Umm, can you just do as the neighbour (so politely) asked and keep it down a bit?
Destination Unknown's note is also good.
For the record, I don't share your assumptions about the level of noise that is reasonable in a big city (what has that got to do with it?) over a holiday weekend, or whatever. People are entitled to peace and quiet in their own homes late at night.
posted by Salamander at 7:24 PM on September 2, 2013 [19 favorites]
Destination Unknown's note is also good.
For the record, I don't share your assumptions about the level of noise that is reasonable in a big city (what has that got to do with it?) over a holiday weekend, or whatever. People are entitled to peace and quiet in their own homes late at night.
posted by Salamander at 7:24 PM on September 2, 2013 [19 favorites]
If the walls are thin, music will not help. Be quieter, try having sex during the day, or move it to the kitchen. A holiday weekend is no excuse to be loud. A rude neighbor once tried to excuse a loud party with a lame "but it's the weekend!" and I nearly killed him. Some people might want to get some rest on a rare day off!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:26 PM on September 2, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:26 PM on September 2, 2013 [8 favorites]
That's a great note, and I think you're over reacting. The social compact of living in dense areas is to be mindful that you don't bother other people around you. You don't get a free pass because it's sex in your bedroom on a holiday weekend, any more than you would get a free pass for playing the trombone in the kitchen on Easter.
No need to acknowledge or respond, just keep it down. And count yourself lucky to have so polite a neighbor.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:28 PM on September 2, 2013 [7 favorites]
No need to acknowledge or respond, just keep it down. And count yourself lucky to have so polite a neighbor.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:28 PM on September 2, 2013 [7 favorites]
Plus, that particular incident happened on a Saturday night, and my husband works Sundays. Don't assume other people are free to sleep when you sleep.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:29 PM on September 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:29 PM on September 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
Let me put it this way.
I once lived in a dorm with very thin walls. I happened to live next door to a guy who had a girlfriend who wasn't a student at our campus. When said girlfriend would visit...let me say, I spent one evening curled up in my bed hugging my knees not sure if someone was being murdered or, later on, once I figured out what the hell was happening, someone was filming a porn.
Now, this guy and his girlfriend knew people could hear them (he earned the nickname as, "The guy with a knife for a dick"), and considering they did nothing to mitigate the response they received to their sexy times, some number of us from that dorm believed that being talked about like this was probably a turn on for them. Ewww.
People who do not want to be a part of your sexy times should not have to be a part of your sexy times. This note that was left was more than reasonable. Now you, too, can either be reasonable and adjust your volume during sexy time, or you can be like knife dick guy.
Don't be like knife dick guy.
posted by zizzle at 7:29 PM on September 2, 2013 [81 favorites]
I once lived in a dorm with very thin walls. I happened to live next door to a guy who had a girlfriend who wasn't a student at our campus. When said girlfriend would visit...let me say, I spent one evening curled up in my bed hugging my knees not sure if someone was being murdered or, later on, once I figured out what the hell was happening, someone was filming a porn.
Now, this guy and his girlfriend knew people could hear them (he earned the nickname as, "The guy with a knife for a dick"), and considering they did nothing to mitigate the response they received to their sexy times, some number of us from that dorm believed that being talked about like this was probably a turn on for them. Ewww.
People who do not want to be a part of your sexy times should not have to be a part of your sexy times. This note that was left was more than reasonable. Now you, too, can either be reasonable and adjust your volume during sexy time, or you can be like knife dick guy.
Don't be like knife dick guy.
posted by zizzle at 7:29 PM on September 2, 2013 [81 favorites]
Buy some rugs.
posted by spilon at 7:29 PM on September 2, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by spilon at 7:29 PM on September 2, 2013 [12 favorites]
You're probably receiving this as passive-aggressive because it's a little embarrassing and it's normal to react defensively under those circumstances. It's nicer than banging on the ceiling with a broom or calling the police.
I would leave back a note along the lines of "So SO very sorry, here's a number you can text if it's a problem again." Do your do in the living room, and maybe assess if he needs to put in some more rugs or tighten up the screws on his bed.
A white noise machine may help keep things like conversation from carrying, but the more he can baffle the floor the better.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:31 PM on September 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
I would leave back a note along the lines of "So SO very sorry, here's a number you can text if it's a problem again." Do your do in the living room, and maybe assess if he needs to put in some more rugs or tighten up the screws on his bed.
A white noise machine may help keep things like conversation from carrying, but the more he can baffle the floor the better.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:31 PM on September 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
That's the exact note that 95% of the answerers on AskMe say to leave when someone posts "My neighbor is having loud sex and it's keeping me awake on work nights, what should I say?" Have your fun but try to be quieter. Bite a pillow or your friend's shoulder or something.
posted by matildaben at 7:38 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by matildaben at 7:38 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
I can't see how this could be construed as passive aggressive. They are asking -really politely- for you to keep the noise down.
posted by mattoxic at 7:39 PM on September 2, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by mattoxic at 7:39 PM on September 2, 2013 [7 favorites]
Maybe make a game out of being really quiet while you have sex? Like, we both have to be super quiet or we will have to stop? That's always worked for me.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 7:42 PM on September 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by SkylitDrawl at 7:42 PM on September 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
That's not passive aggressive. It's just saying "would you mind having less noisy sex". It's a direct and reasonable request, holiday weekend or no.
Passive aggressive would be renaming your wireless router I CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING LIKE HORNY REPTILES
posted by Sebmojo at 7:49 PM on September 2, 2013 [73 favorites]
Passive aggressive would be renaming your wireless router I CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING LIKE HORNY REPTILES
posted by Sebmojo at 7:49 PM on September 2, 2013 [73 favorites]
The suggestion of leaving a bottle of wine, an apologetic note setting out the likely timeframe and maybe some earplugs is an excellent one.
posted by Sebmojo at 7:52 PM on September 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Sebmojo at 7:52 PM on September 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
i don't see anything passive-aggressive in the note. when walls are thin you need to be more considerate. have quieter sex, keep your voices down when talking, move the bed so it isn't hitting the wall, go out and buy a rug/padding, etc. people in the city need to sleep too and i see nothing wrong with their complaint. i had a next door neighbor who was a total screamer and progressively got louder and louder. frankly, it was starting to seem like a performance to impress the neighbors. we have exceedingly thin walls. finally, one of my other neighbors must have had it and said something because they suddenly had sex much quieter. then they moved. all are happy now.
posted by wildflower at 7:52 PM on September 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by wildflower at 7:52 PM on September 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
The note isn't passive aggressive.
Just try to be mindful of the noise you make, and aware of reasonable hours for making noise. This means nothing loud after 11pm, generally.
Walking, talking, quiet music/TV/household sounds, and the like are your neighbor's problem. Usually a white noise machine or turning up your own music/TV/whatever is the solution to that, but I think you should be the bigger people here and not respond with, "Turn your music up if you don't like it."
I've had noise-obsessed downstairs neighbors before. Be respectful, of course, but at a certain point there's nothing you can do.
Also, if you've been having loud sex... don't.
posted by Sara C. at 7:53 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just try to be mindful of the noise you make, and aware of reasonable hours for making noise. This means nothing loud after 11pm, generally.
Walking, talking, quiet music/TV/household sounds, and the like are your neighbor's problem. Usually a white noise machine or turning up your own music/TV/whatever is the solution to that, but I think you should be the bigger people here and not respond with, "Turn your music up if you don't like it."
I've had noise-obsessed downstairs neighbors before. Be respectful, of course, but at a certain point there's nothing you can do.
Also, if you've been having loud sex... don't.
posted by Sara C. at 7:53 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
FWIW, I bet the neighbor's worried that you are going to be noisy like that all the time and not just this particular weekend (hence the "maybe you guys are new" part) so I wouldn't put too much stock in the fact they sent their note over the holiday weekend.
nthing everyone that it's a really polite note!
posted by mlle valentine at 7:54 PM on September 2, 2013 [7 favorites]
nthing everyone that it's a really polite note!
posted by mlle valentine at 7:54 PM on September 2, 2013 [7 favorites]
This person does not want or need to meet you!
Leave a nice note on their door, buy some rugs, and keep sound levels down at night.
posted by jbenben at 8:20 PM on September 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
Leave a nice note on their door, buy some rugs, and keep sound levels down at night.
posted by jbenben at 8:20 PM on September 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
leaving [...] maybe some earplugs
That is passive-aggressive. The other suggestions (note, wine) are fine.
posted by pullayup at 8:24 PM on September 2, 2013 [27 favorites]
That is passive-aggressive. The other suggestions (note, wine) are fine.
posted by pullayup at 8:24 PM on September 2, 2013 [27 favorites]
Yep, just be considerate.
To me, that note reads like the author posted "How do I politely let my neighbors know I can hear their private noises?" to Ask Metafilter and followed the advice.
posted by The Deej at 8:26 PM on September 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
To me, that note reads like the author posted "How do I politely let my neighbors know I can hear their private noises?" to Ask Metafilter and followed the advice.
posted by The Deej at 8:26 PM on September 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
You know how sex just seems hotter and naughtier when you're not supposed to be having it? Treat it like that. Pretend like you're going to be busted by your neighbour (and you kinda are) and that you need to do it secretly and quietly. Chances are, the idea of getting away with something will make it a lot more fun. Also, yes to the bottle of wine and rugs.
posted by Jubey at 8:40 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 8:40 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
nthing that THAT is an incredibly polite, straightforward, reasonable note, and the only -- repeat, ONLY -- decent, neighborly response from you and your friend is to be mindful of the time and the volume at which you have sex. (And yeah, rugs and tightening the screws -- heh -- on the bed might help, too.)
Putting aside the bit where no reasonable person living in an apartment in a big city complains about noise from people having sex over a holiday weekend
This is your opinion, not anything resembling a universally accepted norm. Yes, yes, I know every generation thinks they invented fucking, but seriously, real grown-ups are not only capable of having plenty of hot sexytimes, they are also capable of being considerate about it.
posted by scody at 8:47 PM on September 2, 2013 [47 favorites]
Putting aside the bit where no reasonable person living in an apartment in a big city complains about noise from people having sex over a holiday weekend
This is your opinion, not anything resembling a universally accepted norm. Yes, yes, I know every generation thinks they invented fucking, but seriously, real grown-ups are not only capable of having plenty of hot sexytimes, they are also capable of being considerate about it.
posted by scody at 8:47 PM on September 2, 2013 [47 favorites]
Putting aside the bit where no reasonable person living in an apartment in a big city complains about noise from people having sex over a holiday weekend, how do we deal with this?
I am a reasonable person living in a condo in a big city and I would absolutely complain if I heard you having sex, holiday be damned.
I would find it hard to be so sweet and nicely spoken as your neighbor. Her message was friendly, direct and non-demanding.
Have sex quietly, don't sit on the floor to talk, walk gently and enjoy the rest of your visit.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:00 PM on September 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
I am a reasonable person living in a condo in a big city and I would absolutely complain if I heard you having sex, holiday be damned.
I would find it hard to be so sweet and nicely spoken as your neighbor. Her message was friendly, direct and non-demanding.
Have sex quietly, don't sit on the floor to talk, walk gently and enjoy the rest of your visit.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:00 PM on September 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
Mod note: A couple of comments deleted. Let's keep it to helpful ways to respond to the neighbor, please.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 9:28 PM on September 2, 2013
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 9:28 PM on September 2, 2013
I agree with pullayup -- please, please do not leave earplugs. To me that would come off as, "We're gonna do what we want, so deal with it, alright?!"
posted by delight at 9:35 PM on September 2, 2013 [14 favorites]
posted by delight at 9:35 PM on September 2, 2013 [14 favorites]
"Thanks for letting us know. We didn't realize you could hear everything, sorry about that. We'll try to keep it down."
She was nice enough to be direct and courteous to you; try being direct and courteous with her.
posted by Unified Theory at 9:47 PM on September 2, 2013 [8 favorites]
She was nice enough to be direct and courteous to you; try being direct and courteous with her.
posted by Unified Theory at 9:47 PM on September 2, 2013 [8 favorites]
That note is the opposite of passive-aggressive: It is actively-considerate.
I would leave a note saying "Sorry, we will try to keep it down" and then try to do that. If the walls are and stuff are so thin that even talking in a normal tone of voice causes an issue than there might be little you can do, but surely the walls aren't that sound conducive. Make sure your windows are closed and so on.
posted by Justinian at 10:40 PM on September 2, 2013
I would leave a note saying "Sorry, we will try to keep it down" and then try to do that. If the walls are and stuff are so thin that even talking in a normal tone of voice causes an issue than there might be little you can do, but surely the walls aren't that sound conducive. Make sure your windows are closed and so on.
posted by Justinian at 10:40 PM on September 2, 2013
Nthing the rugs! Get more rugs! Pile rugs on rugs! They help immensely. I feel like they should be required for anyone not living on the first floor, even for all the non-shoe wearers who think they have fairy feet.
Also, decorating the walls helps absorb sound, like talking, but only if the decorations have some texture. A mask, tapestry book collection will absorb sound but a wall full of mirrors won't.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:11 PM on September 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also, decorating the walls helps absorb sound, like talking, but only if the decorations have some texture. A mask, tapestry book collection will absorb sound but a wall full of mirrors won't.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:11 PM on September 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
That's not passive, and neither is it aggressive. It's assertive and informative. What you do with it us up to you. Me? I'd be quieter at late hours.
posted by zippy at 11:32 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by zippy at 11:32 PM on September 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
They work early in the mornings. What does this mean? You can have crazy noisy swinging from the walls morning sex instead as you know they won't be in :-)
posted by wackybrit at 1:13 AM on September 3, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by wackybrit at 1:13 AM on September 3, 2013 [10 favorites]
Have sex in another room. Move his bed if you have to. Leave a note apologizing, along with a gift card to a book store or restaurant.
I can see how someone might find that note passive aggressive. Whatever, keep it classy on your end.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:39 AM on September 3, 2013
I can see how someone might find that note passive aggressive. Whatever, keep it classy on your end.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:39 AM on September 3, 2013
I've been in the same position as your neighbour. Before I moved, the girl above me regularly had both help-I'm-being-murdered sex and loud, screaming, throwing-things-around rows with her boyfriend. And it's an awkward position to be in - as well as obviously making it difficult to sleep.
Your friend's neighbour is doing the best she can to be both polite and assertive in an awkward situation.
It's hard because there's only so much you can do when you are talking about situations like thin walls and floors. I would try to change the timing as that would be by far the least disruptive change.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:46 AM on September 3, 2013
Your friend's neighbour is doing the best she can to be both polite and assertive in an awkward situation.
It's hard because there's only so much you can do when you are talking about situations like thin walls and floors. I would try to change the timing as that would be by far the least disruptive change.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:46 AM on September 3, 2013
Leave a note that says "Whoops, we're sorry. We didn't realize how thin the walls were. We will try to keep it down. Sorry we kept you up."
Get rubber casters for the bed. Or a rug. And try to be less vocal while having sex.
I used to have to get up at 5am for work which meant that I went to bed at 9pm. Even as someone used to living in a city, it is hard to ignore this kind of noise and I think the neighbor tried to leave a nice note with enough information so you knew what the problem was and an idea of how to solve it.
Enjoy the rest of the week!
posted by sciencegeek at 3:04 AM on September 3, 2013
Get rubber casters for the bed. Or a rug. And try to be less vocal while having sex.
I used to have to get up at 5am for work which meant that I went to bed at 9pm. Even as someone used to living in a city, it is hard to ignore this kind of noise and I think the neighbor tried to leave a nice note with enough information so you knew what the problem was and an idea of how to solve it.
Enjoy the rest of the week!
posted by sciencegeek at 3:04 AM on September 3, 2013
"So sorry. You are so quiet, never realized sound was that shared!"
posted by Goofyy at 3:05 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Goofyy at 3:05 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
It was a perfectly apt note. I absolutely understand your defensiveness but yeah, people who aren't enjoying the sex as much as you are will notice and it may very well intrude upon their life which might then cause them to intrude upon yours. Compromise is not a dirty word.
posted by h00py at 3:51 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by h00py at 3:51 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
I only saw a few mentions of this, but it sounds like it was the sitting on the bedroom floor and talking that was the final straw. That part would really make me think that my neighbors were new to apartment living in general, and unaware of how sound carries.
I'd forget the wine and whatnot, just a short note saying something like, "Thanks for the heads up about the thin walls. We're so sorry we didn't realize how noise carried here. We'll keep it down in the future," would be nice. And then do it. Go ahead and have sex, but try to keep it down if it's after 10pm or so. Don't try to drown it out with more noise; it's not like the neighbor is offended that she can tell you're having sex. She just wants to sleep, and music's not going to help the cause. If you're going to have a conversation, do it in a room other than the bedroom, and don't sit on the floor to do it. Common apartment life courtesy.
And nth-ing that the note is the opposite of passive-aggressive.
posted by Kriesa at 4:53 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'd forget the wine and whatnot, just a short note saying something like, "Thanks for the heads up about the thin walls. We're so sorry we didn't realize how noise carried here. We'll keep it down in the future," would be nice. And then do it. Go ahead and have sex, but try to keep it down if it's after 10pm or so. Don't try to drown it out with more noise; it's not like the neighbor is offended that she can tell you're having sex. She just wants to sleep, and music's not going to help the cause. If you're going to have a conversation, do it in a room other than the bedroom, and don't sit on the floor to do it. Common apartment life courtesy.
And nth-ing that the note is the opposite of passive-aggressive.
posted by Kriesa at 4:53 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Putting aside the bit where no reasonable person living in an apartment in a big city complains about noise from people having sex over a holiday weekend...
- Playing music loud enough to "cover up the details" would escalate the situation and quite possibly get the police called.
- Asking where they sleep is intrusive, and if the walls are so thin they can hear you talking, it would not matter if you moved.
My friend mostly just wants to find a way to at least let them know that this is only going to go on for the rest of the week, and after that he'll return to his usual default quiet for the foreseeable future.
It's not going to go on for the rest of the week. You can quieten down, have sex during less-noise-regulated hours (if they go to work early, there you go), and apologize to the neighbor as others have suggested.
Someday noisy neighbors will happen to you too, and you will be happy to have had a polite, thoughtful model of behavior for a first response to a noise issue. Your neighbor's note is direct and considerate.
posted by fraula at 5:16 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Noise regulation: "Many city ordinances prohibit sound above a threshold intensity from trespassing over property line at night, typically between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m., and during the day restricts it to a higher sound level [...]"I'd really love to find some way to have a practical conversation about this, and ask questions like: Would it be helpful if we played music to cover up the details, or would that just be louder and more annoying? Is anyone sleeping in the room below the other bedroom, and would it help if we switched rooms? And so on. But that seems socially unacceptable.
Quiet enjoyment: "In practice, the law works so that if one member of the neighborhood feels that a neighbor's noise level is annoying or excessively loud, that neighbor is instructed to inform the town police so that they can respond to the location of the noise. 'The responding officer has some discretion in how to deal with the noise complaint.... When determining the appropriate response, the officer may take many factors into consideration, such as the severity of the noise, the time of day, whether the residents have been warned before, the cooperation of the residents to address the problem.' "
- Playing music loud enough to "cover up the details" would escalate the situation and quite possibly get the police called.
- Asking where they sleep is intrusive, and if the walls are so thin they can hear you talking, it would not matter if you moved.
My friend mostly just wants to find a way to at least let them know that this is only going to go on for the rest of the week, and after that he'll return to his usual default quiet for the foreseeable future.
It's not going to go on for the rest of the week. You can quieten down, have sex during less-noise-regulated hours (if they go to work early, there you go), and apologize to the neighbor as others have suggested.
Someday noisy neighbors will happen to you too, and you will be happy to have had a polite, thoughtful model of behavior for a first response to a noise issue. Your neighbor's note is direct and considerate.
posted by fraula at 5:16 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
There are two things to take away from this thread's excellent responses:
1. How to respond and deal with the situation.
2. Try to figure out what passive-aggressive means, try not to label a reasonable request as P-A. By labeling such a request as P-A, you might automatically elicit a bad response (from yourself) to a reasonable statement.
posted by mbarryf at 6:12 AM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]
1. How to respond and deal with the situation.
2. Try to figure out what passive-aggressive means, try not to label a reasonable request as P-A. By labeling such a request as P-A, you might automatically elicit a bad response (from yourself) to a reasonable statement.
posted by mbarryf at 6:12 AM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]
A thought: if I wrote such a note, it would be in part because I found it embarrassing to hear other people having sex and because I thought they too might be embarrassed if they knew I could hear. Perhaps the only thing she's hearing is a little bit of innocuous noise, but if it's unusually enthusiastic or more specifically sexual - well, that seems like a legitimate thing to tell people, just because that stuff is actually pretty private for many folks. That's not the same as being offended or thinking badly of you, though.
I second the "sorry, we didn't realize the walls were so thin, we'll keep it down!"
Don't get into "and my friend is leaving at the end of the week" because that basically translates as "here is more detail about my sex life, when really what you want is less detail!"
Also, a request isn't passive-aggressive just because it's in note form or because it is slightly indirect. The whole "you may not realize that the walls are so thin that I can hear everything [implicitly including you having sex]" thing is straight out of Miss Manners - one of her first two big books o'behavior, in fact - so it's actually fairly standard.
posted by Frowner at 6:49 AM on September 3, 2013 [10 favorites]
I second the "sorry, we didn't realize the walls were so thin, we'll keep it down!"
Don't get into "and my friend is leaving at the end of the week" because that basically translates as "here is more detail about my sex life, when really what you want is less detail!"
Also, a request isn't passive-aggressive just because it's in note form or because it is slightly indirect. The whole "you may not realize that the walls are so thin that I can hear everything [implicitly including you having sex]" thing is straight out of Miss Manners - one of her first two big books o'behavior, in fact - so it's actually fairly standard.
posted by Frowner at 6:49 AM on September 3, 2013 [10 favorites]
Just adding my voice to the chorus affirming that the note wasn't passive-aggressive at all and was actually super-nice.
posted by DWRoelands at 6:55 AM on September 3, 2013
posted by DWRoelands at 6:55 AM on September 3, 2013
nthing that that note is not passive-aggressive at all, but is about as polite and gentle a way as I can imagine asking neighbours to be considerate about noise levels. As a shift worker myself I know how hard it can be to live next to people who may not realise just how much noise carries through walls. When I need to be in bed early or up late I don't expect my neighbours to be silent, but an effort to not be noisier than necessary is appreciated.
In your case I would probably leave a similarly nice note for you neighbour saying "Sorry we've been disturbing you, we'll try to keep noise down in future and by the way, my friend is leaving soon so things should return to normal then anyway."
posted by Decani at 7:17 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
In your case I would probably leave a similarly nice note for you neighbour saying "Sorry we've been disturbing you, we'll try to keep noise down in future and by the way, my friend is leaving soon so things should return to normal then anyway."
posted by Decani at 7:17 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Playing music to cover up the noise really, REALLY won't help. My downstairs neighbors do this when they want to have loud sex (which is a frequent occurrence). Since it's an old building with thin walls and floors and sound carries very well, that means that at least a couple of times a week, I get to try to sleep while they groan and grunt and scream with loud musical accompaniment. And yes, that's all audible through earplugs and over the sound of my fan running for white noise.
Don't be like my asshole neighbors (who, incidentally, have never responded to the "hey i can hear you fucking like weasels, can you please keep it down a little" note I left because they won't answer their damn door when I knock). The note the neighbor left was not passive-aggressive. Reasonable people who live in apartments in big cities understand that their noise impacts the lives of others and they take steps to minimize that impact. Right now, you and your um-friend are not being reasonable. Try harder.
posted by palomar at 7:31 AM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
Don't be like my asshole neighbors (who, incidentally, have never responded to the "hey i can hear you fucking like weasels, can you please keep it down a little" note I left because they won't answer their damn door when I knock). The note the neighbor left was not passive-aggressive. Reasonable people who live in apartments in big cities understand that their noise impacts the lives of others and they take steps to minimize that impact. Right now, you and your um-friend are not being reasonable. Try harder.
posted by palomar at 7:31 AM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
Well, it is nice that your neighbor at least took the time to let you know that your noise was intrusive before acting aggressively. If you have a noise clause on your lease (you might want to check this) they could have complained directly to your landlord, which may or may not have an effect on your renting situation or future renting references. Even if your landlord will do fuck all to enforce such a clause it's just, you know, NICE to be considerate to others so that they are nice to you.
What's more, people don't like to live with uncertainty, as others have said. They take comfort in knowing they can get a peaceful night's sleep on a consistent basis. There is no entry in the social contract that clearly states "you must cope with noise on weekends and holidays." Quite the opposite. Living with that uncertain feeling of "will I be able to sleep tonight" makes people very nutty after a point. You'd be surprised (or maybe you wouldn't) at the lengths people will go to out of revenge once they feel their peace and quiet has been disrupted, particularly after a kind request for consideration has been made and ignored or dealt with in a way that makes matters worse. Not saying you should fear your neighbors, but just keep that in mind.
If the walls are that thin and you MUST have loud sex while others are sleeping (believe me, I understand) maybe consider a love hotel?
posted by Young Kullervo at 7:35 AM on September 3, 2013
What's more, people don't like to live with uncertainty, as others have said. They take comfort in knowing they can get a peaceful night's sleep on a consistent basis. There is no entry in the social contract that clearly states "you must cope with noise on weekends and holidays." Quite the opposite. Living with that uncertain feeling of "will I be able to sleep tonight" makes people very nutty after a point. You'd be surprised (or maybe you wouldn't) at the lengths people will go to out of revenge once they feel their peace and quiet has been disrupted, particularly after a kind request for consideration has been made and ignored or dealt with in a way that makes matters worse. Not saying you should fear your neighbors, but just keep that in mind.
If the walls are that thin and you MUST have loud sex while others are sleeping (believe me, I understand) maybe consider a love hotel?
posted by Young Kullervo at 7:35 AM on September 3, 2013
The note isn't passive aggressive, but at the same time, you should not have to worry about the noise of the sex in your own bedroom. Your neighbors have a right to enjoyment of their apartment, but so do you - and sex is normally considered a part of daily living. The polite thing of them to do would be to pretend not to notice.
(Also, OP said they /did/ bang on the floor.)
posted by corb at 7:49 AM on September 3, 2013
(Also, OP said they /did/ bang on the floor.)
posted by corb at 7:49 AM on September 3, 2013
Mod note: Direct answers towards the OP and do not turn this into a referendum on your personal feelings about sex noise and/or apartment living outside of that please.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:01 AM on September 3, 2013
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:01 AM on September 3, 2013
The banging on the ceiling was when they were sitting on the floor talking, which makes me think that neighbor had been putting up with the sex (part of life, etc.), but thought "can't they at least take the heart-to-heart conversations to the living room? Don't they know that sound carries even better when they're in full contact with the floor? Maybe these people really don't have any idea how to live in an apartment building." Plus, you can assume sex will end in half an hour or so, hopefully (from a neighbor's point of view). A conversation could take hours.
posted by Kriesa at 8:02 AM on September 3, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by Kriesa at 8:02 AM on September 3, 2013 [9 favorites]
Don't respond to the note. Just try to be more mindfull of your noise level and when it is occuring. You are allowed to talk and have sex in your apartment.
posted by WeekendJen at 10:45 AM on September 3, 2013
posted by WeekendJen at 10:45 AM on September 3, 2013
Be nice to this neighbor. Be respectful and don't be selfish. You'll like yourselves and each other a whole lot better at the end of the week. Also, get creative about when and where you get it on. You don't have to use the bedroom every time right?
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:36 PM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:36 PM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, that note isn't even remotely passive-aggressive. Just keep the noise down -- it's true that, in an apartment building, you're going to have to live with some noise from other people, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to keep your, um, private encounters a little more private.
posted by sarcasticah at 2:57 PM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by sarcasticah at 2:57 PM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
There have been AskMe threads about noise mitigation. Rugs and curtains help absorb noise. Playing music or tv might also add some white noise if you'd prefer not to have the neighbors distinctly hear you have sex. I figure 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., maybe offset a bit on weekends, should be quieter time.
I recommend your sweetie assure the neighbors that you're not a permanent resident, and maybe get rugs and rug pads.
posted by theora55 at 4:56 PM on September 3, 2013
I recommend your sweetie assure the neighbors that you're not a permanent resident, and maybe get rugs and rug pads.
posted by theora55 at 4:56 PM on September 3, 2013
Don't get into "and my friend is leaving at the end of the week"
My wife and I had a neighbor who would blast music at inconsiderate times / volumes.
If we said something, his response was, invariably, nonsensically, "Oh, well I'm just headed out the door anyway." He didn't mean it was no problem to turn it off since he was leaving, he meant it should be no problem for us because it was only going to be loud for a few more minutes.
We did not like that guy very much.
posted by straight at 5:27 PM on September 3, 2013
My wife and I had a neighbor who would blast music at inconsiderate times / volumes.
If we said something, his response was, invariably, nonsensically, "Oh, well I'm just headed out the door anyway." He didn't mean it was no problem to turn it off since he was leaving, he meant it should be no problem for us because it was only going to be loud for a few more minutes.
We did not like that guy very much.
posted by straight at 5:27 PM on September 3, 2013
For the record, I find the note to be passive aggressive, and the banging on the floor to be HUGELY passive aggressive. I personally wouldn't interact with the person, but I would make an effort to keep it quieter after, say, 10pm. I don't think you should bend over for them too much (har har) - some people will keep making more passive aggressive requests if you are quick to fold.
posted by corn_bread at 7:32 PM on September 3, 2013
posted by corn_bread at 7:32 PM on September 3, 2013
If you were in my building and continued making excessive noise after 9pm after I'd left you a really extremely polite note about it (like the one you posted), my next move would be to complain to the landlord. In writing. Every time you did it.
I've been living in apartments for the past 26 years, and the fact that it's a weekend or a holiday makes very little difference to me. I would probably cut you some slack once or twice, but if it kept up I would absolutely be complaining. The neighbors outside, the ones playing their stereos too loud in their building's parking lot and the ones setting off firecrackers two streets over? I can't do a thing about them. You, in my building, living under (or the guest of someone living under) the same set of House Rules that I signed when I moved in? You I can do something about. For the sake of your boyfriend's ongoing relationship with his neighbors and his landlord, you'd do well to remember that.
posted by Lexica at 8:02 PM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
I've been living in apartments for the past 26 years, and the fact that it's a weekend or a holiday makes very little difference to me. I would probably cut you some slack once or twice, but if it kept up I would absolutely be complaining. The neighbors outside, the ones playing their stereos too loud in their building's parking lot and the ones setting off firecrackers two streets over? I can't do a thing about them. You, in my building, living under (or the guest of someone living under) the same set of House Rules that I signed when I moved in? You I can do something about. For the sake of your boyfriend's ongoing relationship with his neighbors and his landlord, you'd do well to remember that.
posted by Lexica at 8:02 PM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'd just leave a note - "sorry about the extra noise, my, um, friend is leaving in a few days. ". I'd leave a bottle of wine and earplugs.
Neighbors can be terrible but nice neighbors are awesome. Be a nice neighbor and get a nice neighbor.
posted by beccaj at 7:19 PM on September 2, 2013 [150 favorites]