How do I learn to make myself happy for me, not others?

September 1, 2013 12:22 PM

Keeping myself happy: How do I maintain the mindset that it's for me and not to find a partner?

I struggle with some sort of mental-issue where I'll let myself go for weeks/months on end: not take care of my diet, poor hygiene, not taking meds, staying inside all day, etc.

It's been awhile since this has happened - after getting my heart broken a few months ago I started focusing on myself, doing things I knew would make myself happy. I've been taking care of myself, proper hygiene, diet, exercise, hobbies, being genuinely busy, the usual.

The problem is - in the back of my head part of me hopes that these changes will attract a partner. I don't like this mindset because it means I tend to let myself go until I meet someone, or meet someone and slowly let myself go until we break up and then suddenly I'm back on the wagon.

I want this to be a permanent change for myself. So how do I stop feeling like I'm making myself happy for someone else and think of it more as making myself happy because, you know, it's better than feeling like a slob?

It probably doesn't help that 90% of the change I made came from the suggestions of a book focused on how to get a partner - I originally started for that reason, realized the person I was after was too far gone and kept it up just because. I don't want to stop following the book because now I'm happy and single and don't want to go back.

posted by Autumn to Human Relations (9 answers total)

I don't think finding a partner is a terrible goal to have... as one of many goals. Maybe a journal sort of thing where you can spend a little time every day confirming to yourself your hopes and aspirations beyond just that one? And your progress towards those things. Ongoing reminders that what you're doing is making your life better in a lot of different ways, and something you can keep up whether you're seeing someone or not at any given point in time.
posted by Sequence at 1:01 PM on September 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

First off, I just want to de-pathologize the fact that you are interested in self improvement because you're seeking a partner. This is a perfectly normal thing to do; it's evaluating your self-worth by whether or not you have a partner that can be dangerous. If you simply want to be a better you so you can attract a mate for companionship, sexytimes, and baby-making, well, that's part of the human condition and that's okay.

Here's the rub: if you're doing it right, the "better you" doesn't disappear after you find a mate. In fact, the right person will continue to inspire you to grow and be better. Everyone relaxes a little when they're "settled" — maybe they don't dress up as much or maybe they carry a few pounds extra — this is also okay. But if you're seeing a major backslide whenever you get into a relationship, either your approach to self-improvement is just unsustainable, or perhaps the relationship isn't really a good one and it's knocking you off your good habits.

Read up on "fake it till you make it" — this is a really powerful technique for change. Essentially, it doesn't really matter WHY you make a positive change, only that you stick with it until it just becomes a part of who you are. I lost 60 pounds because I was tired of OKCupid dates telling me I wasn't attractive to them, which some would say is the "wrong reason" I'm sure. Yet six years later I'm still keeping it off even though I'm happily partnered and raising a kid, because a) I own the fuck out of taking off that weight (go me!) and b) I stuck with it long enough that it became part of my identity. At that point, I truly was doing it for me.
posted by annekate at 1:02 PM on September 1, 2013 [8 favorites]

I was troubled by this (and by the fact that I hadn't been single more than a couple months in a very long time) and wound up taking ~ a year off from dating. I have a better grasp on how to make myself happy / how I prefer to run my life / how much self care I generally need now. I'm glad I did it and would recommend intentional time off from seeking a sweetie if you think it might help.

You are responsible for making yourself happy, not any theoretical partner you may attract.
posted by momus_window at 1:20 PM on September 1, 2013

Motivators don't matter; it doesn't matter why you start doing something if it's a good thing to be doing. You can have different reasons for continuing to do something.

I don't like this mindset because it means I tend to let myself go until I meet someone, or meet someone and slowly let myself go until we break up and then suddenly I'm back on the wagon.

This sounds to me like a depressed brain trying to convince you that your reasons aren't good enough and that you may as well go back to not taking care of yourself.
posted by rhizome at 1:33 PM on September 1, 2013 [2 favorites]

I get this. I used to clean my house because of what I perceived were other people judging me. These days I clean my house because I like it to be clean. In between was a period where my house cleaning fell apart a little bit. I had dropped doing things for other people. I wasn't going to motivate myself to do things like clean my house via shaming myself anymore.

That's kind of what I think your question is about. You want to take care of yourself whether or not anyone else will notice. You want to do it out of self respect and because it's healthy for you to do so. Maybe doing such things for someone else undermines those good things you do for yourself because the message is that it's not really you. It's all for someone else.

If you can simply stop yourself whenever you sense that you are doing things for others and quite literally tell yourself why you want to do those things for yourself, maybe you can change the way you look at things. And, maybe for a while you will not want to do any of the things that translate into 'self care'. That's ok. Just, when finally you do take care of yourself again, you will know what your motivation is. And with time doing those things for anyone other than for yourself will seem strange to you.
posted by marimeko at 2:36 PM on September 1, 2013 [3 favorites]

There's nothing wrong with doing things that are good for yourself because they might make it easier to find a partner. It would only be a problem if you don't find someone "fast enough" and conclude that all those things that are good for you are not worth doing in and of themselves.

Bottom line: don't worry about your initial motivation, just focus on the process. As you see the benefits, you will change/add to the reasons for doing the good stuff.
posted by rpfields at 3:05 PM on September 1, 2013 [1 favorite]

You will find a partner. Whether that is a good partner for you is another story.

Imagine finding someone. Then imagine that they're not the right person, but you try to make it fit. Imagine the quiet desperation. Death by 1,000 compromises. This is not happiness. This is death.

So look at it a little differently - you're looking for a partner, sure, but it has to be a good partner for you. In which case, you're not waiting for someone, you're living your life and assessing those who show up. You decide if you wish to bond with them.

Also, imagine 1-2 years after being with said partner. They will want to go do X but you loathe X. There's that thing that happened to you a long time ago, it had such meaning and impact on you, and they don't get it at all. They love you like nuts, but they just don't get it. You love Z and they loathe Z. You will be in a bad mood, and that thing they do, Y, that thing you love, will just drive you nuts. In short, they are a completely separate person from you.

This is when you really truly realize that no one can make you happy. It's not a trope, it's just how the mind works.

This is what you need to get. You need to understand it in your heart. No one "makes" you happy.

So sure, you'll find someone. Don't worry about that. And they will add to your life, sure. But it won't solve anything inside. Your emotional reality is your own. So make peace with the emptiness. This is your special internal emotional reality, that is your karma to travel and resolve. Make purifying this emotional karma your goal. Make being an amazing, secure, steady, clear minded and open hearted person your goal. This is how to shift your focus.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:14 PM on September 1, 2013 [14 favorites]

Here's a slightly different way to look at this: I want to be a better person, and maintain it once I'm with someone and beyond.

If I was left to my own devices, I'd be a lazy slob, who would be content to live in my own clutter. In fact, I did for quite a while. I was content, but not really happy with my mess. It was hard to find things, bills didn't get paid on time, etc. Despite all that, I found a lovely lady who thought enough of me, mess and all, to marry me.

She's orderly, timely, and doesn't put up with slacking or mess. So I do my best to be better, both for myself, and for her. I feel better when our house is clean, and things get done before the last second. At the same time, I've helped her to relax a bit, find comfort in having a less-than-spotless house. To be honest, I could still do better on keeping up my end of the bargain, but it's not just for her that I should be better. It's also for me.
posted by filthy light thief at 6:28 PM on September 1, 2013

I do a lot of things because Future Me will appreciate me having done them. Today, I've taken some bags of clothes to charity, tidied more clothes away, cleared my desk of clutter, hoovered, meditated, etc. I didn't want to do any of these things. I did them extremely grudgingly and no doubt with a sour look on my face.

Me Of Tomorrow, though, is going to think "phew, I'm glad I did that yesterday". And knowing that is what gave me the impetus today to get out of the chair and get stuff moving. Tomorrow, I'll be able to pat myself on the back and say well done because today, I got moving. The key part is to actually pat myself on the back, not just skip merrily through the day forgetting all of the stuff I got done. I will reward myself, somehow, and tell myself that I'm a good person for having got stuff done.

I'll even give myself bonus points for having done stuff for other people. Someone else will benefit from the clothing I got rid of. I'm helping keep someone in a job by going to a shop and buying something.

When I feel better about myself, I don't have to try to do things that are good for me. I just do them, because I want to do things for people I like. Reminding myself of how good a person I am really helps me like myself.

It sounds like you need to love yourself a little bit more. Doing this doesn't take anything away from any partner you might or might not have. Indeed, it makes you a better lover, because you know the rules of the game. Think of yourself as a worthwhile person, because you are. You are worth putting a bit of effort into. Hell, you're worth putting a lot of effort into. When you like yourself, it's so much easier to be bothered doing things for yourself.

There's nothing wrong with motivating yourself to do X, Y and Z to get a partner. If it works for you, it works, and it's better than doing nothing or not trying.

I find that it only takes a little more effort to do something rather than nothing. Most of that effort is in my head. If I think that I can't be bothered, then that becomes true and I end up not bothering. Maybe start by liking yourself a bit more and reminding yourself of how awesome you are, preferably on a daily basis. What did you do today that makes you a good person? It can be something major like giving to charity or giving up your seat on the bus for someone who needed it more, or small like smiling at a harassed cashier.

Finally, reading this book helped me.
posted by Solomon at 3:26 PM on September 2, 2013 [2 favorites]