Damn you, timing.
August 29, 2013 10:54 AM Subscribe
After a year of therapy, intense self-exploration, and work on myself, I've met a fantastic man. Complication: I'm moving.
I've been on a dating hiatus for a year while doing the aforementioned work on myself. I've made many positive changes in my life, and finally feel wonderful about who I am again. It's been a long road back to mental and physical health, but I'm happier than I've been in a very long time.
The upshot is that now I've attracted, for the first time in many years, a truly good person with whom I can see great potential. However, I'm moving across the country in a very short time, and I'm sort of at a loss as to what I should do. I've only been seeing this man for a month.
I've done the long-distance thing once, for five short/long months. At the end of those 5 months, I moved to the city where that person was - but I don't have that kind of flexibility now due to professional obligations that I absolutely cannot walk away from (even if I wanted to do so) without causing unacceptable career-trashing fallout. Not an option. In one year, I'll be moving again for work and we will be much closer together (3 hours away, rather than the 24 that will separate us once I move), but it'll be at least 2 years before he and I will be in the same city again.
Should I just appreciate this fledgling relationship for what it is - a manifestation of good things to come now that I am mentally whole and healed - and let it go when I leave? Should we try long-distance, or is that unworkable given our professional trajectories?
We have danced around this topic, mostly because I think neither of us really knows what our options are here, we've both been kind of blindsided by how good we are together, and talking about it directly is going to be painful and difficult. The conversation is coming, however, and I'm looking for advice/anecdotes that will give me food for thought as I prepare for it.
I've been on a dating hiatus for a year while doing the aforementioned work on myself. I've made many positive changes in my life, and finally feel wonderful about who I am again. It's been a long road back to mental and physical health, but I'm happier than I've been in a very long time.
The upshot is that now I've attracted, for the first time in many years, a truly good person with whom I can see great potential. However, I'm moving across the country in a very short time, and I'm sort of at a loss as to what I should do. I've only been seeing this man for a month.
I've done the long-distance thing once, for five short/long months. At the end of those 5 months, I moved to the city where that person was - but I don't have that kind of flexibility now due to professional obligations that I absolutely cannot walk away from (even if I wanted to do so) without causing unacceptable career-trashing fallout. Not an option. In one year, I'll be moving again for work and we will be much closer together (3 hours away, rather than the 24 that will separate us once I move), but it'll be at least 2 years before he and I will be in the same city again.
Should I just appreciate this fledgling relationship for what it is - a manifestation of good things to come now that I am mentally whole and healed - and let it go when I leave? Should we try long-distance, or is that unworkable given our professional trajectories?
We have danced around this topic, mostly because I think neither of us really knows what our options are here, we've both been kind of blindsided by how good we are together, and talking about it directly is going to be painful and difficult. The conversation is coming, however, and I'm looking for advice/anecdotes that will give me food for thought as I prepare for it.
I would try long distance because, hey, who knows! It may work, so why not try! You're very right to not be willing to stay and basically destroy your career (from your description), but there is no reason to not at lesat try going long distance. And like Ruthless Bunny said, maybe he can move for you. Maybe his career is more transportable. Who knows!
If it proves to complicated and messy, yes, you should take it as a sign of good things to come. You're in a much healthier headspace and you're attractiving healthy worthy people. Hurray!
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:59 AM on August 29, 2013
If it proves to complicated and messy, yes, you should take it as a sign of good things to come. You're in a much healthier headspace and you're attractiving healthy worthy people. Hurray!
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:59 AM on August 29, 2013
Long distance is hard, as I know from experience, and a year of having a 24-hour travel distance sounds very challenging. But knowing that it's one year, and then you'll likely be only 3 hours apart makes a big difference. In your shoes, I'd have an honest talk about the situation--including a realistic assessment of how often during that year you'd be able to see each other--and go forward with an open mind and a commitment to be honest about what is and is not working.
I was in a long-distance relationship for a year, and we recently ended it due to a mutual recognition that we just weren't able to be in touch enough, or see each other often enough, to have the kind of connection we both wanted. But we are both really glad we tried. We had some wonderful times together, and I have a lot of happy memories. We were both decent people who were honest with each other throughout, so our parting was sad but there was no drama.
posted by not that girl at 11:05 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I was in a long-distance relationship for a year, and we recently ended it due to a mutual recognition that we just weren't able to be in touch enough, or see each other often enough, to have the kind of connection we both wanted. But we are both really glad we tried. We had some wonderful times together, and I have a lot of happy memories. We were both decent people who were honest with each other throughout, so our parting was sad but there was no drama.
posted by not that girl at 11:05 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Who knows, maybe it is not such a coincidence you finally met a great guy when you knew you would be moving? That has happened to me a couple of times. At some level (definitely subconscious though) it probably seemed safer to FALL for someone when the possibility of crashing and burning would be mitigated by the reality of the move and the distance? Anyway, one month is really short (although that is the time when feelings are intensely strong, I know) and you know you can't make life or career altering decisions based on a one month relationship. However, what do you have to lose by going ahead with your move and seeing what happens? Who knows?!!!!! Good luck!
posted by Lylo at 11:05 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Lylo at 11:05 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Try it LDR and see what happens. You really never know. He could move for you; your work might send you to another office... things happen.
(A friend of mine met the guy she eventually married right before she left for an important educational opportunity in Asia. Even though they hadn't spent a lot of time together before she left, she knew he was the one for her and she left the program and came back after three weeks to see if she was right. They're revoltingly happy together.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:07 AM on August 29, 2013
(A friend of mine met the guy she eventually married right before she left for an important educational opportunity in Asia. Even though they hadn't spent a lot of time together before she left, she knew he was the one for her and she left the program and came back after three weeks to see if she was right. They're revoltingly happy together.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:07 AM on August 29, 2013
Nthing to talk to him about it and play it as it lays. Yes, you have to move. And whether you two will continue to work out after you do that will turn on how well you can handle a LDR, and on his feelings and preferences. You can't call that in advance. Talk with him, and accept the fact that you don't know how this will turn out. And, if he just doesn't want to do the LDR thing, look forward to who you will meet in your new location.
posted by bearwife at 11:11 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by bearwife at 11:11 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
My little anecdote -- I met Great Guy #1 just before he moved to a different country for school. I agonized over it and cried and ranted against the timing and a few other factors that made the relationship a total impossibility. And then a few weeks later I met Great Guy #2 in my city. We're coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary.
Concentrate on the fact that you've gotten yourself into great emotional/mental/whatever shape to be able to meet a Great Person. Give the LDR a try but know that if it doesn't work there are others out there for you.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:17 AM on August 29, 2013 [9 favorites]
Concentrate on the fact that you've gotten yourself into great emotional/mental/whatever shape to be able to meet a Great Person. Give the LDR a try but know that if it doesn't work there are others out there for you.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:17 AM on August 29, 2013 [9 favorites]
I'm going to go the opposite way most people seem to be going and say take it as what you can look forward to in your new city. I see everything going against this - short relationship, little flexibility on the timelines involved, and it being the first relationship you've had in some time. Moving to a new city is tough enough; missing a person that you are trying to maintain a connection with makes it even harder.
You will be in a new city, as a (relatively) new person. I can't think of a better time to be dating and just meeting new people in general. That isn't to say you can't stay in touch with this fine new fellow, but committing to him after a month from a different time zone seems a little premature.
posted by _DB_ at 11:24 AM on August 29, 2013 [10 favorites]
You will be in a new city, as a (relatively) new person. I can't think of a better time to be dating and just meeting new people in general. That isn't to say you can't stay in touch with this fine new fellow, but committing to him after a month from a different time zone seems a little premature.
posted by _DB_ at 11:24 AM on August 29, 2013 [10 favorites]
Try it! Don't run away just because the future isn't clear!
I started dating someone 3 weeks before I moved, not across the country, but many hours away. The relationship seemed really promising.... except it wasn't even clear it WAS a relationship yet. Oh, and his father had recently died somewhat unexpectedly, and he was still grieving. All in all, not exactly a recipe for success.
That was 6 years ago. We just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary, and have a beautiful daughter.
posted by kestrel251 at 11:30 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I started dating someone 3 weeks before I moved, not across the country, but many hours away. The relationship seemed really promising.... except it wasn't even clear it WAS a relationship yet. Oh, and his father had recently died somewhat unexpectedly, and he was still grieving. All in all, not exactly a recipe for success.
That was 6 years ago. We just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary, and have a beautiful daughter.
posted by kestrel251 at 11:30 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Even as someone who went through a 9 month LDR before I married my now-wife of 15 years, I kind of agree with _DB_. After all your hard work, I would say you owe yourself the chance of meeting and dating people in your new city without the baggage of an LDR. Why not agree to end the relationship when you move and then perhaps meet again once you are 3 hours away and see if the spark is still there?
posted by Rock Steady at 11:34 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 11:34 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
When you got back into dating, did you know that you'd be moving so far away shortly? I ask because if you did know you'd be splitting soon, it suggests to me that maybe on some level you weren't quite ready for a full-blown relationship, and were looking for more of a training-wheels type boyfriend. In which case, I'd say don't try for an LDR. Maybe a short-term thing with a finite ending point was what you were after all along?
In any event: the LDR you've described sounds like a recipe for pain. That big of a distance isn't workable for the long-haul, and you'll be denying yourself so many opportunities to date a local-grown man. Also, you've only known this new guy for a month, so you don't know the warts-and-all parts of him yet (nor does he know yours).
I'd enjoy your remaining time with him, and then go your separate ways. If, when your work moves you back within hollering range of each other, both of you happen to be single, you can start anew.
posted by nacho fries at 11:44 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
In any event: the LDR you've described sounds like a recipe for pain. That big of a distance isn't workable for the long-haul, and you'll be denying yourself so many opportunities to date a local-grown man. Also, you've only known this new guy for a month, so you don't know the warts-and-all parts of him yet (nor does he know yours).
I'd enjoy your remaining time with him, and then go your separate ways. If, when your work moves you back within hollering range of each other, both of you happen to be single, you can start anew.
posted by nacho fries at 11:44 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
In general, the healthier you are, the healthier people you attract. So, I'd let this go, but celebrate that youre finding good people :)
posted by Jacen at 11:52 AM on August 29, 2013
posted by Jacen at 11:52 AM on August 29, 2013
I would say do not commit to a long-distance relationship, especially since it has only been a month that you've been seeing this person. Even at the very best of times, a LDR tends to split your attention between the life-where-you-are and the life-you-have-when-with-your-SO, and that's not conducive to living fully and in-the-moment, and partaking of all the joys and possibilities that are open to you in your daily life -- which for you, will now entail a brand new adventure. And that, I think, would be a bad prescription for someone who has "been [on] a long road back to mental and physical health," and is "happier than I've been in a very long time."
(I have done the LDR a couple of times, and I don't see it as something to be avoided categorically; but it's hard. If it were me, I would just enjoy what I have here and now, and then walk away to be free and open to what may come.)
posted by fikri at 12:07 PM on August 29, 2013
(I have done the LDR a couple of times, and I don't see it as something to be avoided categorically; but it's hard. If it were me, I would just enjoy what I have here and now, and then walk away to be free and open to what may come.)
posted by fikri at 12:07 PM on August 29, 2013
Should we try long-distance, or is that unworkable given our professional trajectories?
You haven't said anything about his professional trajectory.
We have danced around this topic, mostly because I think neither of us really knows what our options are here
Asking if this is workable given some information you didn't include in your question is only furthering your avoidance of this topic.
You have to address this directly with him.
You are dancing around things in your question a bit. Why wouldn't you know what the options are? You just said in your question that not taking the job isn't an option, and your other options are a LDR or breaking up. Keep seeing him after you move or don't, those are your options.
If he doesn't know what the options are, that implies he doesn't know you would be interested in a LDR. Tell him how fabulous he is, and that you'd like to continue seeing him after you move. Offer him the option.
Maybe you are worried about making decisions on things two years out with a guy you've been seeing for a month? You aren't beholden to keep seeing him for that long if you try a LDR, just like you wouldn't have to lock yourself in to what's going to happen in two years if you weren't in a LDR. The two of you are just getting to know each other.
You don't have to figure out right now if a LDR is workable (other than checking costs & travel time), you'll find that out soon enough if you try it -- but first, you need to find out if he would be interested in a LDR with you.
OTOH,
Should I just appreciate this fledgling relationship for what it is - a manifestation of good things to come now that I am mentally whole and healed
Actually, appreciating this relationship for what it is would be enjoying what little time you have with special person you have met in the present, rather than seeing your relationship with another human being just a predecessor to other things in the future after the relationship ends.
If that's really how you see "what it is", don't start a LDR.
posted by yohko at 12:23 PM on August 29, 2013
You haven't said anything about his professional trajectory.
We have danced around this topic, mostly because I think neither of us really knows what our options are here
Asking if this is workable given some information you didn't include in your question is only furthering your avoidance of this topic.
You have to address this directly with him.
You are dancing around things in your question a bit. Why wouldn't you know what the options are? You just said in your question that not taking the job isn't an option, and your other options are a LDR or breaking up. Keep seeing him after you move or don't, those are your options.
If he doesn't know what the options are, that implies he doesn't know you would be interested in a LDR. Tell him how fabulous he is, and that you'd like to continue seeing him after you move. Offer him the option.
Maybe you are worried about making decisions on things two years out with a guy you've been seeing for a month? You aren't beholden to keep seeing him for that long if you try a LDR, just like you wouldn't have to lock yourself in to what's going to happen in two years if you weren't in a LDR. The two of you are just getting to know each other.
You don't have to figure out right now if a LDR is workable (other than checking costs & travel time), you'll find that out soon enough if you try it -- but first, you need to find out if he would be interested in a LDR with you.
OTOH,
Should I just appreciate this fledgling relationship for what it is - a manifestation of good things to come now that I am mentally whole and healed
Actually, appreciating this relationship for what it is would be enjoying what little time you have with special person you have met in the present, rather than seeing your relationship with another human being just a predecessor to other things in the future after the relationship ends.
If that's really how you see "what it is", don't start a LDR.
posted by yohko at 12:23 PM on August 29, 2013
Best answer: "we've both been kind of blindsided by how good we are together"
This line resonated strongly with me. I don't know if this is the person for you, I don't know if it's not. You may marry this person one day, or you may hate them next month. However, what I do know, is that few times in a life do you have an opportunity to look at yourself and your partner and say that you are truly content. I've floated through relationships with wonderful girls. Girls who would be perfect for me, but I never felt they were the one. There was one though, once. And although her face has faded and her memory slides by like the light of a passing car at night, she was the last one I could say with confidence that made me happy. Were we perfect together? No, no one is. Obviously we are no longer together, and timing like you are currently experiencing, was not on my side. But I know that if I could do it all over again, I would hold on so tightly to her.
I just believe there are some people who can get into your head, and never really leave. I don't really believe that there is only one person for everyone and I think the idea of "soul mates" is cliche. However, if you have found something you honestly believe is pure and good, regardless of your time together, don't take for granted that it will come as easily every other time. What else in life do we really want besides to love, be loved and know ourselves? Personally, at the end of the day, even though I'm driven by my career, there is honestly nothing I want more than to find someone to share myself with. And if I had the choice, I would give it all away to simply have that someone.
But, this is me. You have to decide for yourself. Are you the kind of person who believes in fulfilment from things besides intimacy? If so, your choice is easy. You move, and you see what happens. You will inevitably be happy with your career. However, if you are even the slightest bit like myself, somewhat foolish romantic, you will regret leaving this person in which you feel a connection with. It's not an easy decision, but I'm confident that whatever you choose will absolutely be representative of what you fundamentally believe in.
posted by Atlantic at 9:44 PM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]
This line resonated strongly with me. I don't know if this is the person for you, I don't know if it's not. You may marry this person one day, or you may hate them next month. However, what I do know, is that few times in a life do you have an opportunity to look at yourself and your partner and say that you are truly content. I've floated through relationships with wonderful girls. Girls who would be perfect for me, but I never felt they were the one. There was one though, once. And although her face has faded and her memory slides by like the light of a passing car at night, she was the last one I could say with confidence that made me happy. Were we perfect together? No, no one is. Obviously we are no longer together, and timing like you are currently experiencing, was not on my side. But I know that if I could do it all over again, I would hold on so tightly to her.
I just believe there are some people who can get into your head, and never really leave. I don't really believe that there is only one person for everyone and I think the idea of "soul mates" is cliche. However, if you have found something you honestly believe is pure and good, regardless of your time together, don't take for granted that it will come as easily every other time. What else in life do we really want besides to love, be loved and know ourselves? Personally, at the end of the day, even though I'm driven by my career, there is honestly nothing I want more than to find someone to share myself with. And if I had the choice, I would give it all away to simply have that someone.
But, this is me. You have to decide for yourself. Are you the kind of person who believes in fulfilment from things besides intimacy? If so, your choice is easy. You move, and you see what happens. You will inevitably be happy with your career. However, if you are even the slightest bit like myself, somewhat foolish romantic, you will regret leaving this person in which you feel a connection with. It's not an easy decision, but I'm confident that whatever you choose will absolutely be representative of what you fundamentally believe in.
posted by Atlantic at 9:44 PM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:58 AM on August 29, 2013 [6 favorites]