Someone I love has intense insecurity issues - how can I help them?

August 27, 2013 8:38 AM

I ended my LTR a few weeks ago, but can't shake the feeling that I'm abandoning someone in their hour of need, so to speak. My ex was a delightful person, but suffered from the most bizarre and extreme inferiority complex I have ever witnessed. (It was so bad at times that he would sometimes escape from parties by exiting through a window in a back room somewhere.) It got to the point where his behavior was starting to wear me down, and things unraveled from there, but it tears me up to think that he'll no longer have someone to help him stave off his self-loathing tendencies.

For those of you who check my history, this is the guy whose sexuality I once questioned (in the early days, when I had no idea of the demons he was battling).

Also, this is INCREDIBLY long. Embarrassingly so. Unfortunately, it had to be to get the whole story out.

My ex is a very intelligent, witty, and good-hearted person. When we met, he had just lost a lot of money through a failed business venture and had been out of college for about a year (he got kicked out of a religious school for doing normal 26-year-old things; i.e. sleeping with his girlfriend at the time). He always talked about how badly he wanted to finish school so he could get a fulfilling job.

I think the first moments of real strain occurred about this time last year, when I went back to school (I'm working on a very demanding Master's degree). We moved in together at the same time. As one semester passed and then another, he showed no signs of going back to school himself, but was still complaining about the status of his life and how much he needed to finish college. I did my very best to help him figure out what steps to take to get back into school, and while he was grateful, he also seemed sensitive about me helping him. He told me I made him feel like he wasn't good enough for me.

Another issue was the fact that he had never told his parents we were living together. They were serving a religious mission out of state, and cohabitation before marriage is a BIG no-no for them. I always struggled with this, because I felt it was disrespectful of us to lie to them like that. He always fought me on it - he said that getting kicked out of school was enough of a disappointment for them and he didn't want to give them more reason to look down on him.

Between this and the school thing, we had reached an impasse, and they became topics that we just didn't touch on because they only brought contention between us. Any time we started discussing them at all, he would shell up and shut me out, saying that these talks made him feel bad.

One night at the beginning of the summer, I woke with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and knew something was up. Woman's intuition, maybe. For the first time in our year and a half long relationship, I looked in his phone. To my horror, I found text threads to multiple girls. He'd been flirting, asking for sexy pictures (none of the girls obliged, thankfully), and talking about meeting up. I was absolutely crushed. I stayed at a friend's for a few days so I could think, and we ended up working it out. He said he was just down on himself, and that this was a means of escaping from his issues, but that he never intended to actually meet up with any of these girls. That I knew was true. One of them lived out of state, and the others had tried to meet up with him, but he'd always made excuses (even on nights that I worked late and he could have gone out without getting caught).

Fast forward through this summer. We're happy, and carrying on with our relationship. I was grappling with my own self-esteem issues at this point, for obvious reasons, and though the arguments were few and far between, when they did occur, they were fierce. Finally, one morning a few weeks ago, I woke with the same awful feeling in my stomach, and knew I had to check his phone again. He'd hidden it this time, keeping it in his Facebook messages, and it was just one girl, not several. But this time there were naked pictures, and inappropriate dialogue, and a complete dismissal of me as his girlfriend. Again, he didn't plan to meet up with this girl. She lives in Australia. But it still killed me, and his lies hurt even more. I moved out that same day.

We've talked a couple of times since then, and we both realize this isn't about me not being enough, or him being interested in others. He's just incredibly hard on himself, to the point where he can't seem to dig himself out of this years-long rut he's been in, and I think he's entered self-destruct mode. It's frustrating for me, because he still means the world to me, but I realize how unhealthy this partnership would be if it continued from this point. I know I can no longer stay in his life as his girlfriend, but I would like to be a source of support for him in some way if possible. I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions for what I can do to move forward without feeling like I'm abandoning him.

posted by Teradactyl to Human Relations (28 answers total)

You cannot help. Cut him completely loose.

Give this a few months and you'll be wondering why you ever wasted time worrying about this guy. I promise you.
posted by zadcat at 8:42 AM on August 27, 2013 [16 favorites]

It's very nice of you to be concerned for him and want to help. But I don't think there is anything you can do. Give it time and work on yourself. He's more than capable of taking care of his own issues.
posted by heavenstobetsy at 8:42 AM on August 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

Ex. Ex ex ex. I know you feel like you're abandoning him, but it sounds like what you are really doing is clawing your way out of this co-dependency you two have fallen into.

Part of breaking up with someone is establishing a boundary with them. It sounds as though if your ex wants to change, he is going to need some professional help (either from a therapist or through a group like a 12-step program). This is not on you. You're not abandoning him, you are setting a boundary with him that allows you to be OK and to heal and move on from this.
posted by fiercecupcake at 8:43 AM on August 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

I have been you, and you know what helped my painfully insecure partner? Me leaving.

This guy sounds very immature, and he didn't treat you all that well, besides. There are plenty of "intelligent, witty, and good-hearted" people who are not relationship material. At least not right now.

He has been thriving on your codependency. Cutting him loose is the best thing you can do for him.
posted by gone2croatan at 8:44 AM on August 27, 2013 [4 favorites]

What???

No dear. He's got some kind of pathology, but it's not yours to worry about. You were not the problem in this relationship and your love was not his hope of salvation.

To break it down, he's a cheater who can't seem to get his life together.

So what exactly were you supposed to do here? Love him better so he wouldn't cheat? You know that's not the answer.

Some people are fucked up, that's all there is to it. He's FUBAR for sure. But that's HIS issue to work out. It sounds like he's "tried nothing and he's all out of ideas."

So leave him behind and don't look back. Perhaps one of his new FB friends can love him enough for him to take action to turn his life around.

You? You have bigger and better fish to fry.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:45 AM on August 27, 2013 [18 favorites]

Best answer: Oh look, seriously, I have ridiculous insecurity issues - and I can totally see the whole "I am not telling my parents about anything that might upset them even if it's a major part of my life, la la la" thing, and I have sneaked out of parties, although not via a back window (an idea for next time!!!!) - and that hasn't added up to naked pictures with strangers and talking smack about my partner to them. No no no no. "Insecurity" and "cheating" are not chocolate and peanut butter.

Don't try to help him. He may be able to accept help on this issue, straighten up and stop being such a jerky cheeseball (because what is cheesier than this whole texting business?) but he won't be able to accept that help from you.

If you are drawn to fixer-upper people, find some youth or new people in your field to mentor. I'm quite serious about this - having patience to like and help difficult people is valuable, but you need to apply it in the correct place.
posted by Frowner at 8:50 AM on August 27, 2013 [46 favorites]

Boy, I'd feel bad about myself too, if I were cheating with multiple people and leading any/all of them on to think they were going to meet me when they weren't, and then after I got caught I was still getting nudie pics from yet other people.

Why should you help him feel good about himself by enabling his crap lifestyle? When he learns not to be such a jerky cheeseball, as Frowner so appositely puts it, and starts acting at least somewhat like a man... you know, with integrity at least, whatever his employment or educational status... then he'll feel good about himself.

It won't help him in any way whatsoever to have you still in his life, knowing what a jerky cheeseball he is. He needs to meet new people who don't see him as an inadequate fixer-upper, and then maybe he'll start living up to a new image. If you stick around, how can he possibly respond except by cringing and hiding behind furniture, knowing what he knows you know?
posted by tel3path at 9:05 AM on August 27, 2013 [9 favorites]

There's no question that you should be cutting all ties with this guy as others have said. More to the point, I think you really need to think about why you want to help someone who is a reckless cheater with a demonstrated history of treating your relationship disrespectfully. Where is this compulsion coming from? Make working on that your priority here--not empowering this guy to manipulate you further by trying to remain in his life.
posted by Kimberly at 9:09 AM on August 27, 2013 [5 favorites]

Boy, I'd feel bad about myself too, if I were cheating with multiple people and leading any/all of them on to think they were going to meet me when they weren't, and then after I got caught I was still getting nudie pics from yet other people.

Yup. This guy needs some help but it should be from someone not-his-girlfriend who he didn't seem to be able to actually have an adult relationship with. My sister recently broke up with a guy like this (all the way up the the "getting caught multiple times and saying he was sorry and then doing it again" part of it) and "He has self-loathing issues" is one very charitable way of looking at it. "He has some very serious personality flaws that make him unable to be in monogamous adult relationships" is another honest way of looking at the same situation. He needs therapy and/or to work on himself in a more serious way than he was doing while you were together.

And, in my opinion, you being his support while he deals with this is sort of shitty for you (you get the bad parts of a self loathing friend with out the good parts of having a dedicated boyfriend) and sort of continues some of the less-great parts of your relationship. I'm angry FOR you that this guy did you wrong like this, I'd consider keeping him a bit more at arm's length. He wasn't good enough for you, he was right about that.
posted by jessamyn at 9:14 AM on August 27, 2013 [8 favorites]

Insecurity might be one word for it. Immaturity sounds like a better fit.

Breaking up with someone who has cheated/nearly cheated on you multiple times, is not "abandonment". He is not a helpless baby bird. All of your explanations here seem to indicate that you feel he is not fully able to control his actions. And further, that this inability is due to some pathology (again, not his fault!) and not a character flaw.

Kick him out of your nest. Maybe he'll fly. Maybe he'll fall. You two will never find out if you keep offering to be his support.
posted by fontophilic at 9:29 AM on August 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

Congratulations on your recent DTMFA! Be proud of it. Those feelings of sympathy for the person who treated you badly are normal, healthy signs that you're a kind and decent human being. But you've done nothing wrong nor even severe, and your ex apparently has no trouble striking up ego-inflating conversations online--he'll handle it. Look around you for other things that would benefit from more attention, e.g. your master's program, or throw yourself into something else absorbing to get your mind off of this. It's normal in the aftermath of some big issue with poor closure to be a little nervous and want to work on it more, but the hard part is probably done, and I really think you'd prefer to keep it that way.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 9:50 AM on August 27, 2013 [6 favorites]

Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do for someone is to show them the consequences of their behaviour. Consequences like "Screw you, you really hurt me and now I'm not going to be around to help you through stuff."

It sounds counter-intuitive, because it can feel like the most supportive thing you can do for someone who's struggling and hurting you in the process is to quash down your own feelings of hurt or upset or anger and replace it with compassionate understanding for their struggle. But, really, how's that actually going to help him? Maybe it'll make him feel less upset right now, or for the next week, or for the next few months; probably he will indeed feel better about himself if he doesn't have to feel guilty (or as guilty) for hurting you. But by concealing your own hurt, and being willing to hang around as a source of help and understanding for him, you're also concealing from him the full import of his behaviour, and that is not actually a good thing for him in the longer term. Yes, he needs to get to grips with his self-loathing and feelings of inferiority. He's not going to do that if he never has to deal with times when he legitimately should feel bad for how he's behaved, or if he's excused responsibility for his behaviour any time he's struggling.

I'm not saying you should be hurling his clothes out on the street or calling him every name you can think of. You feel how you feel, and if you don't feel angry, then that's fine. But you clearly do feel hurt (and justifiably so!), and I'd bet you that anger will come somewhere down the line too. It will help neither you nor him if you stick around in his life to gently help him through this as if what he did was just a symptom of an illness, rather than being a really shitty hurtful thing to do to your partner no matter what it's a symptom of.

It is fine to still think fondly of him, and to want him to do well. Ask yourself, though, what that 'doing well' looks like - limping along in the short term, still dealing with the same problems but maybe feeling a bit less terrible about it because you're around to assure him he doesn't totally suck? Or thinking "wow, this is clearly serious, I really have to address this right now" and doing the work to lay down a solid foundation for his future?
posted by Catseye at 9:52 AM on August 27, 2013 [8 favorites]

You are responsible for you and only you. Do not try to fix this.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:53 AM on August 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

This isn't his hour of need, it is yours. Take care of yourself, focus on making your life the best it can be, and leave him to sort out his own life. He is immature and dishonest. I don't care at all about his "insecurity". People can be insecure and not be cheating liars. You have already put up with way too much (in my opinion) and this is never going to get better. You need to stop sacrificing your values and morals and self respect for him. You know you're better than this relationship. You broke up with him. That was the right thing to do. Stick to your guns.

And I agree with Catseye. The best thing you can do for him is to break up with him and have their be consequences for his behaviour. Maybe that will snap him out of this and cause him to grow up, but I somehow doubt it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:53 AM on August 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: He doesn't have an inferiority complex, he's just pathetic. Well, I suppose if he knows he's pathetic that could justifiably cause him to feel inferior, but he's obviously not doing anything to fix that. He may not be able to, but that is tip-top on the list of things you cannot do for him. You can't save him, and at any rate he won't be fixed until he's OK on his own. Sometimes having a lot of exes is a key to this, but at any rate he doesn't have room for any of your feelings in his head.

You know what causes some people to become "intelligent?" A lifetime of coming up with ways of maintaining their bad habits in the face of overwhelming logic (and often a trail of broken hearts) that they need to stop them.
posted by rhizome at 9:54 AM on August 27, 2013 [4 favorites]

We cannot save anyone who cannot see their value enough to seek help nor accept help.

Your intentions are beautiful, but it's out of your hands. Best your paths separate now, before things escalates into more pain and complication.
posted by enlivener at 9:57 AM on August 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

All his hours are hours of need, it seems. Staying postponed your dilemma, that's all. Power through.
posted by FauxScot at 10:04 AM on August 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

There might be a point, in the future, where you can be supportive to this person again. That time is not now. Now is the time for healing yourself.
posted by sm1tten at 10:06 AM on August 27, 2013

we both realize this isn't about me not being enough, or him being interested in others. He's just incredibly hard on himself, to the point where he can't seem to dig himself out of this years-long rut he's been in, and I think he's entered self-destruct mode.

Oh come on. I agree that this is definitely not about you "not being enough," but if you really believe the rest of that paragraph, I have some lovely swampland in Florida for you. The guy sounds like a pathetic manipulator who does things that, as noted above, would make anybody feel bad about themselves, and then plays the self-loathing card to deflect his victim's anger.

It's nice that you feel some compassion for this guy, but stop making excuses for him. As Catseye said, the best thing you can do for someone like that is show them that their behaviour has consequences. Maybe that will encourage him to take steps to sort himself out, rather than taking out his 'insecurities"--or whatever they are--on the people close to him.
posted by rpfields at 10:17 AM on August 27, 2013 [14 favorites]

He does need help, and he has to be the one to want it and get it. You can't make him want it, and you can't make him get it. You are too entangled to be a support to him now; for your benefit and his, let him find his own way.
posted by rtha at 10:30 AM on August 27, 2013

Your ex was cheating on you. His insecurity was just an excuse to justify his shitty behavior.

There is no way for you to support him through whatever mess he's gotten himself into. He didn't accept your support when you were a couple, and he's not going to now.

I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions for what I can do to move forward without feeling like I'm abandoning him.

You are not abandoning him. Let him live with the consequences of his actions, don't make excuses for him.
posted by inertia at 10:31 AM on August 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

Best answer: If someone cheated on you and you want to "help" him like a poor injured bird... well, I don't even...

He knows how to help himself. Stop cheating on people and go back to school.

If you want to help him, send him a short email that says, "Stop cheating on people and go back to school. Sincerely, your ex."

Now, see, that's kind of pointless because already knows exactly what to do, because he's not an abject idiot. He is the source of his problems, not you. Thus he is the one who has to help himself. It's not like the solution to his complicated woes is a mystery.

By the way, he wasn't in "self-destruct" mode. He was also in "you-destruct" mode, because he destroyed your relationship which presumably you care about and had invested in. Get angry.

He lied to you. Took away your autonomy. Disempowered you.

In this relationship, two people were looking out for his feelings: him and you. The number of people looking out for your feelings and best interests was: zero. It can feel comfortable to keep doing what you're doing, and have been doing, which is caring for him at the expense of yourself. However now with the relationship being over, it's time to care about yourself... and/or people who care about you equivalently and have therefore earned your care and participation.

As scody said, save your charity for orphaned children or rescue puppies. This adult male can fend for himself, and if you leave him in the past, you can find yourself an adult male who's actually a teammate with you.
posted by htid at 11:08 AM on August 27, 2013 [18 favorites]

I moved out that same day.

Smart woman. Now THAT is the way it's done. Too many people would linger and tough it out and wake up months or years later, realizing they'd squandered themselves. You didn't do that. You did great by yourself.

You're not abandoning him. You already gave him one chance to straighten up and fly right. He chose not to. His choices have natural consequences. Losing you is one of those consequences. What he does from here on out is all on him.

You owe him nothing at this point. Maaaaaaaybe years down the line, he could be a friend to you. For now, no, I think it's best to stay well clear of him.
posted by nacho fries at 11:15 AM on August 27, 2013 [7 favorites]

You have been incredibly patient and good to him. You're working hard in a degree program. You accepted him hiding you from his family. You worked through his online infidelity, and seem to have accepted the idea that he has been physically unfaithful. His behavior is odd and you probably have to spend time dealing with the consequences. He doesn't sound appreciative. It sounds like you do all the supporting. You realize how unhealthy this partnership is. Leaving him sounds really smart, really self-preserving. Way to go.

Here's how you can help him. Make sure he has the names of competent therapists. His issues can't be solved by you; he needs someone to help him, if he chooses to be helped. That's it. He's an adult who chooses to complain about his life instead of making the life he wants. No one can solve this for him. You might be able to show him this thread, an dbuy him an account if he wants to reply, or ask questions of his own.

You sound like a fantastic person who doesn't value herself highly enough. You deserve a loving relationship with a man who wants to join you in having a wonderful life. You're doing great; keep moving forward with your life.
posted by theora55 at 11:15 AM on August 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

Give him the number of someone who is actually qualified to help him and ask him to call them. Maybe he's a good guy with faulty brain chemistry. Maybe he's an asshole who thoroughly enjoyed deliberately manipulating you. Either way, you can't help him. Get him to get in contact with someone who can.

Carrying him for the rest of his life is not helping him. Quite the opposite. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they'll accept help, and sometimes they don't accept it even then. Enabling him won't fix things, so he needs to take the first step of getting himself some help on his own. You can't carry him until he winds up on his deathbed. Well, you can, but do you really want to? Now is as good a time as any for him to pick himself up and start walking.
posted by Solomon at 12:09 PM on August 27, 2013

Agreed that he's no longer your responsibility. When you broke up, you severed your commitment to him and now it's time to move on. Perhaps by focusing on him, it is distracting you from feeling the pain of ending a significant relationship. But you need to put him behind you. He'll have the life he is going to have, as will you. Any moment you spend thinking about him, is a moment you are holding onto your past and not creating your own future.
posted by nickrussell at 1:55 PM on August 27, 2013

I've acted crappy to girlfriends in the past because of various issues I needed to work out, and what mostly fixed it was getting dumped, repeatedly, by exes who told me exactly why they were doing it. He can get his shit sorted out on own. This will be a learning experience for him, and maybe he'll figure it out with his next girlfriend, or the one after that.

The best thing to do is to get busy with your own life, and maybe when you guys are both seeing other people, you can be there for him when he needs relationship advice. I have one particular ex who I didn't speak to for a year after we broke up who has been a life saver for relationship advice after we started talking to each other again, because she knew exactly how I would screw things up and helped me not do it again.
posted by empath at 2:34 PM on August 27, 2013 [5 favorites]

it's not your job to try to save this guy. further, sometimes people need to hit bottom before they will get some help. let him hit his bottom whatever that will look like for him. i think your focus now is to figure out why you would be with such a screwed up guy and how to pick healthier men in the future to date.
posted by wildflower at 3:31 PM on August 27, 2013