I'm too curt, he's too sensitive - what can we do?
August 12, 2013 3:24 PM Subscribe
My partner and I have been together for 8 years and we keep revisiting the same problem. I am a surgeon and my workplace requires me to be fast, accurate, and to make quick decisions. I value efficiency in my personal life too, but this can cause me to be curt and even come off as mean sometimes. And I happened to fall in love with a guy who is a hypersensitive perfectionist. Details inside.
Sometimes I can say things that, in my mind, are suggestions on how to approach a problem but in his mind sound like "you're doing this wrong and my way is the only way," even though I've made an effort in the past year to really compromise, listen to him, and empathize with his positions. My tone is often clipped, curt, and fast and this doesn't help. He takes this personally and responds offensively and with a sharp tone, which then causes my blood to percolate a little and we can't just diffuse the situation before feelings get hurt. We never yell and really never "fight," but things that should be tiny problems (whether or not to lock the deadbolt, how to best time the preparation of mushrooms) blow up into Really Big Deals.
He knows he is sensitive and he can't really change that. But he thinks that this is mostly my fault and has said, "I know you love me, but I want to hear that in your words - in day-to-day conversation. You don't always *sound* like you love me."
So. What do I do? We have talked and talked and talked (we're good at analyzing the relationship and working on it) and we've even talked about therapy (although we don't know where to go in our conservative community that would be good for a gay couple). Does anyone have books, exercises, or similar experiences to share that could help out?
Sometimes I can say things that, in my mind, are suggestions on how to approach a problem but in his mind sound like "you're doing this wrong and my way is the only way," even though I've made an effort in the past year to really compromise, listen to him, and empathize with his positions. My tone is often clipped, curt, and fast and this doesn't help. He takes this personally and responds offensively and with a sharp tone, which then causes my blood to percolate a little and we can't just diffuse the situation before feelings get hurt. We never yell and really never "fight," but things that should be tiny problems (whether or not to lock the deadbolt, how to best time the preparation of mushrooms) blow up into Really Big Deals.
He knows he is sensitive and he can't really change that. But he thinks that this is mostly my fault and has said, "I know you love me, but I want to hear that in your words - in day-to-day conversation. You don't always *sound* like you love me."
So. What do I do? We have talked and talked and talked (we're good at analyzing the relationship and working on it) and we've even talked about therapy (although we don't know where to go in our conservative community that would be good for a gay couple). Does anyone have books, exercises, or similar experiences to share that could help out?
I'm not suggesting you have Asperger's, but I think this story from This American Life (Act III) might help you think about your situation a little differently. Honestly, in relationships, you sometimes have to just "play the part" and put up with being a little bit inwardly annoyed that you can't offer your opinion or a seemingly-simple solution. Be yourself, but remind yourself that there are times when your partner may need to talk and vent, and he doesn't necessarily need or want to be told what to do. But believe you me, it can be irritating as hell to hold your tongue in such situations.
posted by Triumphant Muzak at 3:42 PM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Triumphant Muzak at 3:42 PM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Honestly? It may be personal baggage speaking, but this may very well be more your issue to solve than his. If if is your life and your problem, you get to make it as efficient as you like. If he's making the mushrooms, though, or loading the dishwasher or whatever, he gets to be as inefficient and wrong as he likes, because as long as he's not poisoning the mushrooms and your dishes pretty much get clean your butting in kind of makes your perfectionist issues his problem. If your issue is time-sensitive or an emergency the math is different, but in general ASKING if you can make a suggestion first may go a long way, and realizing that it's better things get done than done your way, and that many suggestions may not be necessary will go even further.
/married to someone I love very much who sounds a lot like you
posted by charmedimsure at 3:43 PM on August 12, 2013 [18 favorites]
/married to someone I love very much who sounds a lot like you
posted by charmedimsure at 3:43 PM on August 12, 2013 [18 favorites]
I have a kind of offbeat suggestion - while therapy is the obvious answer, the experience that actually changed my communication style the most was taking a training course in counseling. It was part of an intensive volunteer program I did, and the exercises we did about how to emotionally support people in crisis (in a hospital setting, actually!) really changed the way I interact with people on a daily basis. Things that seem obvious and even stupid when written out, like reflecting people's emotions back to them and asking open-ended as opposed to leading questions, start to come naturally with even a little bit of practice. As a direct result of that volunteer training, I navigate through fraught emotional conversations in my personal life with much more grace than I ever did before.
As a surgeon, you might not have time to take on additional volunteer responsibilities, but if it's a subject that interests you at all, I'm sure you could find short courses at a local community college. And for what it's worth, I know and love a fair number of surgeons (my dad is one) but I've never met one who wouldn't have benefited from a slightly gentler and, let us say, slow paced conversational style.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 3:44 PM on August 12, 2013 [5 favorites]
As a surgeon, you might not have time to take on additional volunteer responsibilities, but if it's a subject that interests you at all, I'm sure you could find short courses at a local community college. And for what it's worth, I know and love a fair number of surgeons (my dad is one) but I've never met one who wouldn't have benefited from a slightly gentler and, let us say, slow paced conversational style.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 3:44 PM on August 12, 2013 [5 favorites]
He takes this personally and responds offensively and with a sharp tone, which then causes my blood to percolate a little
It sounds like you're just as sensitive.
Look - home is not work - learning to compartmentalize is the key. Don't bring that persona home with you. If you find that you do, perhaps it's not the relationship itself that's the problem, but your stress levels. Maybe you need to go to the gym or do yoga or meditation before you go home. It would also help you to transfer from work-mode to home-mode better.
Also, sometimes less analysis is better. Sometime all that's needed is 'I love you' or 'you're really special to me' and that's enough. Don't overthink it.
posted by heyjude at 3:54 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you're just as sensitive.
Look - home is not work - learning to compartmentalize is the key. Don't bring that persona home with you. If you find that you do, perhaps it's not the relationship itself that's the problem, but your stress levels. Maybe you need to go to the gym or do yoga or meditation before you go home. It would also help you to transfer from work-mode to home-mode better.
Also, sometimes less analysis is better. Sometime all that's needed is 'I love you' or 'you're really special to me' and that's enough. Don't overthink it.
posted by heyjude at 3:54 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you use a tone that he finds offensive and then he responds in a tone that you find offensive, but both of you think that the other one just shouldn't use that tone. Why don't you start by training yourself not to let your blood 'percolate' when he responds in a tone you don't like? If you find that too difficult, perhaps you will be a little more empathetic to his inability to let your own harsh tone slide, and you can work on that instead.
posted by jacalata at 3:55 PM on August 12, 2013
posted by jacalata at 3:55 PM on August 12, 2013
Response by poster: He knows he is sensitive and he can't really change that.
Why can't he change it? While you're working on learning to breathe and taking a less sharp tone, is he unable to breathe and remind himself that you're not trying to attack him?
posted by Anonymous at 3:57 PM on August 12, 2013
Why can't he change it? While you're working on learning to breathe and taking a less sharp tone, is he unable to breathe and remind himself that you're not trying to attack him?
posted by Anonymous at 3:57 PM on August 12, 2013
Sometimes I can say things that, in my mind, are suggestions on how to approach a problem
Is he asking for your input in these situations, or are you just getting impatient with what he's doing?
If he's asking for your opinion, and then not liking how you share it, a partial solution could be for him to make a habit of deciding things on his own and not asking for your suggestions unless he really needs your help. This will have the dual benefit of getting him out of the habit of absent-mindedly seeking your approval/thoughts and giving you some space to take a step back and be more careful about how you talk to him when making suggestions.
If he's not asking for your opinion and you're just telling him how you'd do the thing he's currently doing (because you think your way is more efficient, not because his way is dangerous or otherwise harmful), then you need to stop. It's annoying, unnecessary, and disrespectful.
Also, I wanted to highlight this: You don't always *sound* like you love me. It may be really valuable to think about how you want to sound to your partner. Do you want to convey your love through the way you speak to him? What sounds loving to him? How can you do that more often throughout your interactions? How can you get in the habit of shifting from hospital-voice (which prioritizes efficiency and decisiveness) to a more loving and affectionate voice at home?
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:06 PM on August 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
Is he asking for your input in these situations, or are you just getting impatient with what he's doing?
If he's asking for your opinion, and then not liking how you share it, a partial solution could be for him to make a habit of deciding things on his own and not asking for your suggestions unless he really needs your help. This will have the dual benefit of getting him out of the habit of absent-mindedly seeking your approval/thoughts and giving you some space to take a step back and be more careful about how you talk to him when making suggestions.
If he's not asking for your opinion and you're just telling him how you'd do the thing he's currently doing (because you think your way is more efficient, not because his way is dangerous or otherwise harmful), then you need to stop. It's annoying, unnecessary, and disrespectful.
Also, I wanted to highlight this: You don't always *sound* like you love me. It may be really valuable to think about how you want to sound to your partner. Do you want to convey your love through the way you speak to him? What sounds loving to him? How can you do that more often throughout your interactions? How can you get in the habit of shifting from hospital-voice (which prioritizes efficiency and decisiveness) to a more loving and affectionate voice at home?
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:06 PM on August 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm going to go against the grain here and say your so is an equal if not larger problem. In my experience people who have to turn everything into a power struggle have.. power issues. And control issues. And generally feel inadequate and therefore pull the victim card as a way of trying to regain power. Its not adult.
A real adult would respond to their partner unthinkingly barking orders at them directly and without making it all about them. I'm not your servant/ I'll get to it in a minute/ no, I think I'll do it this way etc etc.
posted by fshgrl at 4:12 PM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
A real adult would respond to their partner unthinkingly barking orders at them directly and without making it all about them. I'm not your servant/ I'll get to it in a minute/ no, I think I'll do it this way etc etc.
posted by fshgrl at 4:12 PM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you're offering advice when he hasn't asked for it. So:
Don't offer advice if he doesn't ask for it.
The only exception would be an immediately life-threatening emergency. Your partner is a grown man and is perfectly capable of locking a deadbolt, preparing mushrooms, and other (seriously non-life-threatening) actions.
And so what if he screws up? The mushrooms are ready late, or early. The door is locked but not deadbolted. Again, not life-threatening situations.
The follow-up rule to the never-any-unsolicited-advice-EVER rule is "Don't ask a question when you actually want to make a statement."
So, in context, you have two choices. If you just want to know if he's deadbolted the door, then you can ask a question, but you have to assume that his choice, as a grown-ass man, is acceptable.
You: Did you deadbolt the door?
Him: No, I don't think we need to.
You: OK.
Or, if you're not actually asking a question but want to make a statement, then
You: It's really important to me that we deadbolt the door, because we're going to be out for a while.
or
You: The mushrooms need to be done by 7:30, so that I can use that burner for the steaks.
And then you let him make whatever decisions or take whatever actions he needs in order to comply with your wishes. Or not. He's allowed to disagree with you, too.
I suspect you're carrying over the high-stakes mentality from work into your personal life. 99.9% of everyday decisions are not life-or-death. You need to learn to differentiate what's high-stakes and what's not, and to drop the stuff that really doesn't matter to anyone's immediate survival.
posted by jaguar at 4:13 PM on August 12, 2013 [29 favorites]
Don't offer advice if he doesn't ask for it.
The only exception would be an immediately life-threatening emergency. Your partner is a grown man and is perfectly capable of locking a deadbolt, preparing mushrooms, and other (seriously non-life-threatening) actions.
And so what if he screws up? The mushrooms are ready late, or early. The door is locked but not deadbolted. Again, not life-threatening situations.
The follow-up rule to the never-any-unsolicited-advice-EVER rule is "Don't ask a question when you actually want to make a statement."
So, in context, you have two choices. If you just want to know if he's deadbolted the door, then you can ask a question, but you have to assume that his choice, as a grown-ass man, is acceptable.
You: Did you deadbolt the door?
Him: No, I don't think we need to.
You: OK.
Or, if you're not actually asking a question but want to make a statement, then
You: It's really important to me that we deadbolt the door, because we're going to be out for a while.
or
You: The mushrooms need to be done by 7:30, so that I can use that burner for the steaks.
And then you let him make whatever decisions or take whatever actions he needs in order to comply with your wishes. Or not. He's allowed to disagree with you, too.
I suspect you're carrying over the high-stakes mentality from work into your personal life. 99.9% of everyday decisions are not life-or-death. You need to learn to differentiate what's high-stakes and what's not, and to drop the stuff that really doesn't matter to anyone's immediate survival.
posted by jaguar at 4:13 PM on August 12, 2013 [29 favorites]
My husband and I have similar issues. I'm trying to be less bossy and less curt, but I don't always succeed. Once we're both in blood-boiling mode, it's really hard for me to back down, even when I realize that I was being overbearing. One thing I've found useful at that stage, when I can't seem to back down, is to instead ramp up to the point of ridiculousness. "You HAVE to cut the mushrooms EXACTLY 1 cm square or THE HOUSE WILL COLLAPSE AND EVERYONE WE KNOW WILL DIIIIEEEE!" It's not a forever solution; I'm still trying to curb these impulses to be bossy before they start. But when I miss that opportunity, silly seems to be the best antidote to angry.
posted by vytae at 4:15 PM on August 12, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by vytae at 4:15 PM on August 12, 2013 [11 favorites]
He takes this personally and responds offensively and with a sharp tone, which then causes my blood to percolate a little and we can't just diffuse the situation before feelings get hurt.
It sounds like you are as sensitive to a sharp curt tone as he is. And of course you are, it's unpleasant to be on the receiving end of that. So, one deep breath (count to three on the intake, three again with exhaling) before speaking curtly to him, and one deep breath (count to three on the intake, three again with exhaling) to calm your percolating blood. Just. Slow. Down.
posted by headnsouth at 4:24 PM on August 12, 2013
It sounds like you are as sensitive to a sharp curt tone as he is. And of course you are, it's unpleasant to be on the receiving end of that. So, one deep breath (count to three on the intake, three again with exhaling) before speaking curtly to him, and one deep breath (count to three on the intake, three again with exhaling) to calm your percolating blood. Just. Slow. Down.
posted by headnsouth at 4:24 PM on August 12, 2013
He knows he is sensitive and he can't really change that. But he thinks that this is mostly my fault and has said, "I know you love me, but I want to hear that in your words - in day-to-day conversation. You don't always *sound* like you love me."
Mindfulness, OP. Commence and continue reminding yourself you're not in theatre giving potentially life-saving direction to your assistants and staff whilst you're communicating with your partner in an entirely different environment...until your ability to differentiate and interact in a loving and inclusive manner becomes innate.
posted by Nibiru at 4:28 PM on August 12, 2013
Mindfulness, OP. Commence and continue reminding yourself you're not in theatre giving potentially life-saving direction to your assistants and staff whilst you're communicating with your partner in an entirely different environment...until your ability to differentiate and interact in a loving and inclusive manner becomes innate.
posted by Nibiru at 4:28 PM on August 12, 2013
My husband and I have this issue, kindasorta, but also a bit worse because we can *both* be terse and *both* be hypersensitive.
For us, it came to a head about 5 years ago in a spectacular argument which ended with me hollering "Look, we both love each other don't we? Yes? Then why can't we just give each other the benefit of the doubt?! I'm not *trying* to undermine you, or be mean to you, OK? And it hurts my feelings to think that you would think that of me. And I assume you feel the same way? So can we agree to just think the best of each other?"
There was quite a bit more work from then on, but that was the turning point. We agreed to think the best of each other.
posted by gaspode at 4:50 PM on August 12, 2013 [15 favorites]
For us, it came to a head about 5 years ago in a spectacular argument which ended with me hollering "Look, we both love each other don't we? Yes? Then why can't we just give each other the benefit of the doubt?! I'm not *trying* to undermine you, or be mean to you, OK? And it hurts my feelings to think that you would think that of me. And I assume you feel the same way? So can we agree to just think the best of each other?"
There was quite a bit more work from then on, but that was the turning point. We agreed to think the best of each other.
posted by gaspode at 4:50 PM on August 12, 2013 [15 favorites]
A Couple's Guide to Communication by John Gottmann is pretty helpful about these sorts of issues, too.
posted by jaguar at 4:58 PM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 4:58 PM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
I get the sense that you don't see this as two, equally valid although challengingly different temperaments. They way you say he is a "hypersensitive perfectionist" shows that you think your way is right and his way is wrong.
Well, sorry, but in this regard, you are wrong! There are very few "right and wrong" ways to be in a relationship. As long as you're not mean (which, hey, it sounds like you sometimes unintentionally are!) then it's all about just figuring out what you're willing to live with in the other person and what you're willing to change in yourself.
You might ask your partner to tolerate your style (as it sounds like you have), and likewise your partner may ask you to be more gentle and nice (and it sounds like you're working on that). But beyond that, you have to just decide if you can live with the other person's ways.
So the project for you is to recognize that your partner wants a partner to express affection and love and not be so curt. And since you can't control what your partner wants, that leaves you to decide how much you can give that, and then try to give as much as you can comfortable give. And communicate honestly about what you can't.
Also, I wouldn't dismiss therapy. I mean, do you live in Dubai or something? Most medium to large sized cities in the US have gay-friendly therapists, but even if your town does not, there are hundreds of therapists now who practice over skype. What do you have to lose by trying a few sessions?
Finally, as a surgeon maybe you'd appreciate the research-based Gottman therapy strategies? He's specifically researched gay and lesbian relationships and is pretty practical in his advice.
posted by latkes at 5:05 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Well, sorry, but in this regard, you are wrong! There are very few "right and wrong" ways to be in a relationship. As long as you're not mean (which, hey, it sounds like you sometimes unintentionally are!) then it's all about just figuring out what you're willing to live with in the other person and what you're willing to change in yourself.
You might ask your partner to tolerate your style (as it sounds like you have), and likewise your partner may ask you to be more gentle and nice (and it sounds like you're working on that). But beyond that, you have to just decide if you can live with the other person's ways.
So the project for you is to recognize that your partner wants a partner to express affection and love and not be so curt. And since you can't control what your partner wants, that leaves you to decide how much you can give that, and then try to give as much as you can comfortable give. And communicate honestly about what you can't.
Also, I wouldn't dismiss therapy. I mean, do you live in Dubai or something? Most medium to large sized cities in the US have gay-friendly therapists, but even if your town does not, there are hundreds of therapists now who practice over skype. What do you have to lose by trying a few sessions?
Finally, as a surgeon maybe you'd appreciate the research-based Gottman therapy strategies? He's specifically researched gay and lesbian relationships and is pretty practical in his advice.
posted by latkes at 5:05 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
He takes this personally and responds offensively and with a sharp tone, which then causes my blood to percolate a little and we can't just diffuse the situation before feelings get hurt.
Deborah Tannen has a great name for this process: a mutually aggravating spiral. This is where vytae's suggestion comes in. It's the perfect moment for both identifying the problem and for defusing it, by crying "OHMYGOD, WE'RE SPIRALING! AND WE CAN'T GET UP!" Or whatever joke will suit you. Change and insight are difficult in the heat of the moment, but a joke that shows understanding may provide a few seconds for both of you to lower the angry atmosphere.
Jessamyn has an excellent point about curtness in emergencies, and others have mentioned that 95 percent of the time, mushrooms, etc., are NOT EMERGENCIES. Yes, he is wrong about which way to cut the mushrooms, but the important thing is that he is doing this thing out of love. And you must remember that.
I want you to be your professional self at work. I also hope that you can leave a little more of your surgeon's persona there because your partner is not your scut nurse, and has been trying to tell you that your meta-messaging needs work. He needs to tell you what would sound loving to him, and to be specific about that, because he has identified that as an area needing work. That's on him. It's also on him to assert himself, using phrases like "I'll get to that when I get there" or "I hear you, and I'm happy doing it this way," or "A kinder, gentler approach might be in order right now."
Perhaps you can establish a shorthand for stopping the spiral by using a code word; when one of you uses it, you both agree to back off and calm down. That might meet your need for efficiency and his need for you to be sensitive to emotional currents.
I wish you both luck. Mushrooms are not a Really Big Deal. Love is.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:14 PM on August 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
Deborah Tannen has a great name for this process: a mutually aggravating spiral. This is where vytae's suggestion comes in. It's the perfect moment for both identifying the problem and for defusing it, by crying "OHMYGOD, WE'RE SPIRALING! AND WE CAN'T GET UP!" Or whatever joke will suit you. Change and insight are difficult in the heat of the moment, but a joke that shows understanding may provide a few seconds for both of you to lower the angry atmosphere.
Jessamyn has an excellent point about curtness in emergencies, and others have mentioned that 95 percent of the time, mushrooms, etc., are NOT EMERGENCIES. Yes, he is wrong about which way to cut the mushrooms, but the important thing is that he is doing this thing out of love. And you must remember that.
I want you to be your professional self at work. I also hope that you can leave a little more of your surgeon's persona there because your partner is not your scut nurse, and has been trying to tell you that your meta-messaging needs work. He needs to tell you what would sound loving to him, and to be specific about that, because he has identified that as an area needing work. That's on him. It's also on him to assert himself, using phrases like "I'll get to that when I get there" or "I hear you, and I'm happy doing it this way," or "A kinder, gentler approach might be in order right now."
Perhaps you can establish a shorthand for stopping the spiral by using a code word; when one of you uses it, you both agree to back off and calm down. That might meet your need for efficiency and his need for you to be sensitive to emotional currents.
I wish you both luck. Mushrooms are not a Really Big Deal. Love is.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:14 PM on August 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
Like some of the MeFites above, this really struck me, "My tone is often clipped, curt, and fast and this doesn't help. He takes this personally and responds offensively and with a sharp tone, which then causes my blood to percolate a little."
To be frank, it sounds like you can dish it out, but can't take it. I understand you attribute this to being a surgeon, but I think it's more likely that this is a feature of your personality. Certainly, there are many surgeons who are successful and adept who are also able to communicate effectively and empathetically while not coming off as curt and mean.
While your style may be tolerated at work where the professional hierarchy is in your favor, it's not necessarily the best approach when interacting with others. The fact that you respond to his treating you with a similar lack of empathy gets your blood boiling a bit is a telling sign.
I think that if you continue to work on this personality trait of yours, you'll find that your personal and professional relationships will both improve. Communication styles are a habit, and they can be changed with an investment of attention and self-discipline.
posted by quince at 5:19 PM on August 12, 2013 [11 favorites]
To be frank, it sounds like you can dish it out, but can't take it. I understand you attribute this to being a surgeon, but I think it's more likely that this is a feature of your personality. Certainly, there are many surgeons who are successful and adept who are also able to communicate effectively and empathetically while not coming off as curt and mean.
While your style may be tolerated at work where the professional hierarchy is in your favor, it's not necessarily the best approach when interacting with others. The fact that you respond to his treating you with a similar lack of empathy gets your blood boiling a bit is a telling sign.
I think that if you continue to work on this personality trait of yours, you'll find that your personal and professional relationships will both improve. Communication styles are a habit, and they can be changed with an investment of attention and self-discipline.
posted by quince at 5:19 PM on August 12, 2013 [11 favorites]
You say the problem is in his mind. No, it isn't. It's your shared problem.
My SO is a hundred times better in the kitchen than I am, but cooking together is something we both enjoy. So I'm in charge of food prep and scullery, he's in charge of making the magic happen.
Over the years, with his help, I've made food prep my domain. I can turn fresh thyme to dust in three minutes flat, and I can trim Brussels Sprouts so that, sitting there, they are a thing of gorgeous beauty. But leading up to that, I got a lot of unsolicited and unwanted instruction that hurt my feelings or made me resentful. It spoils the fun to be told you're doing it wrong when you're sharing time together.
What made it work for us is a simple, measurable rule: he cannot say, "you're doing it wrong," or any variation thereof, more than once in 15 minutes. And, really, problem solved. Which is to say, a simple protocol you both agree on can fix the issue.
One additional idea: knowing that I can be sensitive, my sometimes-bossy partner no longer says, "No, not that way," but, rather, "If I may suggest...". The respectfulness makes a huge difference. This is one reason out of many that I love him.
Maybe you can arrive at a similar accommodation. Get out of your own head and into his.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 5:19 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
My SO is a hundred times better in the kitchen than I am, but cooking together is something we both enjoy. So I'm in charge of food prep and scullery, he's in charge of making the magic happen.
Over the years, with his help, I've made food prep my domain. I can turn fresh thyme to dust in three minutes flat, and I can trim Brussels Sprouts so that, sitting there, they are a thing of gorgeous beauty. But leading up to that, I got a lot of unsolicited and unwanted instruction that hurt my feelings or made me resentful. It spoils the fun to be told you're doing it wrong when you're sharing time together.
What made it work for us is a simple, measurable rule: he cannot say, "you're doing it wrong," or any variation thereof, more than once in 15 minutes. And, really, problem solved. Which is to say, a simple protocol you both agree on can fix the issue.
One additional idea: knowing that I can be sensitive, my sometimes-bossy partner no longer says, "No, not that way," but, rather, "If I may suggest...". The respectfulness makes a huge difference. This is one reason out of many that I love him.
Maybe you can arrive at a similar accommodation. Get out of your own head and into his.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 5:19 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think I am both of these people depending on my mood. My perspective: both sides need to compromise a little, obviously, but the oversensitive person has more work to do.
That said, look into your feelings and beliefs about him. When things blow up, why do they? What are you thinking about him and the conversation that makes when to start the mushrooms a big deal?
posted by gjc at 5:46 PM on August 12, 2013
That said, look into your feelings and beliefs about him. When things blow up, why do they? What are you thinking about him and the conversation that makes when to start the mushrooms a big deal?
posted by gjc at 5:46 PM on August 12, 2013
Have you tried just staying out of things unless they are truly emergencies? Prioritize getting along over being right. Stop making those "suggestions," even if you for sure know they are helpful and wise and correct. Let him prepare the damn mushrooms however he wants, even if you are sure you know a better way. Rather than finding a better way to say things, just bite your tongue, say nothing, and let him do his thing. Save the negotiations for genuinely shared decisions.
posted by Wordwoman at 6:20 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Wordwoman at 6:20 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mod note: Please answer the OPs questions and don't turn this into a debate about other people's answers. Thank you.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:46 PM on August 12, 2013
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:46 PM on August 12, 2013
I think you guys should record yourselves for several days and then go back and listen to your tones and interactions. It would be interesting to see what you both think after listening to yourselves and analyzing what happened.
posted by gt2 at 7:24 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by gt2 at 7:24 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
You don't always *sound* like you love me.
Unless he tells you specifically what "sounding like you love him" sounds like, this is a useless statement, and I wouldn't let him get away with this kind of "please read my mind now" communication.
I value efficiency in my personal life
This is a positive trait in you, don't let anyone try to talk you into changing it. But, for whatever reason, your idea of "efficient" doesn't work for your partner. Maybe he's stubborn? Maybe he feels guilty because you've got good ideas that he didn't think of first? Maybe you're OCD and too controlling. Whatever the reason, you need to decide on things that you're just willing to let go and pretend not to notice. Even if he's doing it "wrong", don't even mention it because he seems to be the type of guy who can't handle a suggestion, so "I think that if you cut the carrots smaller they will cook faster" is becoming "DAMMIT YOU LAZY ASSHAT WHY ARE THE CARROTS SO LARGE".
On the other hand, for things that _do_ matter to you, you need to speak up and let him know why. Maybe the carrots need to be a certain thickness to work properly as penguin feet? If you say something like "those carrots need to be thicker otherwise the penguins will fall down", and he gets petulant about it, then you can try using logic/demonstration to show why his way won't work. But you also need to give him a chance to explain why his way is better.
If he can't explain why he wants X but refuses to consider your Y, then he's just being an ass, and you should call him out for it.
posted by sparklemotion at 7:59 PM on August 12, 2013
Unless he tells you specifically what "sounding like you love him" sounds like, this is a useless statement, and I wouldn't let him get away with this kind of "please read my mind now" communication.
I value efficiency in my personal life
This is a positive trait in you, don't let anyone try to talk you into changing it. But, for whatever reason, your idea of "efficient" doesn't work for your partner. Maybe he's stubborn? Maybe he feels guilty because you've got good ideas that he didn't think of first? Maybe you're OCD and too controlling. Whatever the reason, you need to decide on things that you're just willing to let go and pretend not to notice. Even if he's doing it "wrong", don't even mention it because he seems to be the type of guy who can't handle a suggestion, so "I think that if you cut the carrots smaller they will cook faster" is becoming "DAMMIT YOU LAZY ASSHAT WHY ARE THE CARROTS SO LARGE".
On the other hand, for things that _do_ matter to you, you need to speak up and let him know why. Maybe the carrots need to be a certain thickness to work properly as penguin feet? If you say something like "those carrots need to be thicker otherwise the penguins will fall down", and he gets petulant about it, then you can try using logic/demonstration to show why his way won't work. But you also need to give him a chance to explain why his way is better.
If he can't explain why he wants X but refuses to consider your Y, then he's just being an ass, and you should call him out for it.
posted by sparklemotion at 7:59 PM on August 12, 2013
OP, have you considered how you want him to respond? What you want him to say, and how you epwant him to say it? And if so, have you considered sharing that with him? has he shared with you what he wants you to say and how? I ask because 'be less curt' is language around what you don't want. That isn't always as informative as him saying something like: 'rather than saying that am not cutting the mushrooms small enough, I'd appreciate it if you'd ask me why I'm cutting me the way that I am or just tell me that you have an incredible urge to somehow control my fingers and cut them into microscopic pieces, so we can laugh together about how you have not yet mastered mind control' or something. One involves curiously rather than judgment, and the other takes personal responsibility for your feelings and desire to control something, rather than making it about him not dinging something.
In both cases you don't start off the conversation with 'you're doing it wrong'.....although I admit that in our best moments my husband and I get positively silly when we take turns de-escalating the situation.
Me: Oh my GOD WHY ARE YOU WASHING THE DISHES WITH THAT FILTHY SPONGE?!?!?
Him, without sarcasm: OH NO! THE HUMAN TRAGEDY! IF ONLY WE HAD A RESILIENT IMMUNE SYSTEM ROBUST ENOUGH TO HELP US WITHSTAND MICROBES!!!!
Which you know, totally kind of de-escalates it for me. Oh, I'm still totally rewashing my own dishes before I use them, and putting that sponge in a microwave, but the cartoonish calvin and Hobbes overkill just puts it in perspective for me, particularly if he looks at the sponge in horror as if it is alive.
Other times, I get snippy in a 'Why do I have to ask you to do x 500 times' and he Esalates with an all or nothing 'it sounds like you are saying I can't do anything right' and I catch myself and de-escalate and say, 'Really, is that what you heard? Because what I was trying to say was that you do so many things fabulously well that I can't figure out why you can't remember this, probably because find it hard to remember that you are not perfect. But you are pretty awesome. I'm just wondering if you could be awesome AND put the toilet seat down'
I'm just wondering I'd you guys could take turns de-escalating the situation, because it is hard to catch yourself every time. All to say that it isn't that you are curt and he is sensitive, it is that you don't have some go to de-escalation scripts to help each other deal with some regular old grar moments that everyone has in some way or another.
posted by anitanita at 9:22 PM on August 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
In both cases you don't start off the conversation with 'you're doing it wrong'.....although I admit that in our best moments my husband and I get positively silly when we take turns de-escalating the situation.
Me: Oh my GOD WHY ARE YOU WASHING THE DISHES WITH THAT FILTHY SPONGE?!?!?
Him, without sarcasm: OH NO! THE HUMAN TRAGEDY! IF ONLY WE HAD A RESILIENT IMMUNE SYSTEM ROBUST ENOUGH TO HELP US WITHSTAND MICROBES!!!!
Which you know, totally kind of de-escalates it for me. Oh, I'm still totally rewashing my own dishes before I use them, and putting that sponge in a microwave, but the cartoonish calvin and Hobbes overkill just puts it in perspective for me, particularly if he looks at the sponge in horror as if it is alive.
Other times, I get snippy in a 'Why do I have to ask you to do x 500 times' and he Esalates with an all or nothing 'it sounds like you are saying I can't do anything right' and I catch myself and de-escalate and say, 'Really, is that what you heard? Because what I was trying to say was that you do so many things fabulously well that I can't figure out why you can't remember this, probably because find it hard to remember that you are not perfect. But you are pretty awesome. I'm just wondering if you could be awesome AND put the toilet seat down'
I'm just wondering I'd you guys could take turns de-escalating the situation, because it is hard to catch yourself every time. All to say that it isn't that you are curt and he is sensitive, it is that you don't have some go to de-escalation scripts to help each other deal with some regular old grar moments that everyone has in some way or another.
posted by anitanita at 9:22 PM on August 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
my workplace requires me to be fast, accurate, and to make quick decisions
Your workplace probably also requires you to avoid kissing people and doesn't allow pets.
Just as this does not mean you can't kiss outside of work or have pets at home, you aren't required to act the way at home that you do at work.
posted by yohko at 10:28 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Your workplace probably also requires you to avoid kissing people and doesn't allow pets.
Just as this does not mean you can't kiss outside of work or have pets at home, you aren't required to act the way at home that you do at work.
posted by yohko at 10:28 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think a good first step would be to not call him hypersensitive. In doing so you are making his feelings a personal flaw AND dismissing them as not being legitimate.
posted by spunweb at 5:58 AM on August 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by spunweb at 5:58 AM on August 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
I am a hypersensitive perfectionist (anxious/controlling), and my boyfriend is an affable 'doing everything I can to make you happy' guy with a puzzling stubborn streak (Insecure/controlling.) I want to marry him, and tonight we are going to sit down and eat penguins made out of olives and talk about this thread and the larger issue, which is communication, and one which will never be "done". Specifically:
"Look, we both love each other don't we? Yes? Then why can't we just give each other the benefit of the doubt?! I'm not *trying* to undermine you, or be mean to you, OK? And it hurts my feelings to think that you would think that of me. And I assume you feel the same way? So can we agree to just think the best of each other?"
Yeah we have had this conversation. And it's working! So many good tips in this thread.
posted by polly_dactyl at 7:41 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Look, we both love each other don't we? Yes? Then why can't we just give each other the benefit of the doubt?! I'm not *trying* to undermine you, or be mean to you, OK? And it hurts my feelings to think that you would think that of me. And I assume you feel the same way? So can we agree to just think the best of each other?"
Yeah we have had this conversation. And it's working! So many good tips in this thread.
posted by polly_dactyl at 7:41 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Try not to argue about this. You've explained that sometimes you're in efficiency mode, and are not warm and fuzzy at that time. He's telling you something important - He wants to feel more loved in voice, gesture, words, etc. However you get yourself habituated to doing this, do it - extra I Love You's, loving emails, compliments, sweet/silly cards, whatever. Ask him to work with you on when he's annoyed at your tone - Instead of a pissy response, he could say Could you soften your voice a bit; it's just mushrooms. Read the "Shamu article - it's effective.
posted by theora55 at 9:52 AM on August 13, 2013
posted by theora55 at 9:52 AM on August 13, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Everyone is responsible for their own feelings. At the same time everyone should be working towards mutual understanding. So phrases like "mostly my fault" are unhelpful if everyone's not trying to reach a middle ground. I am an efficient scold sometimes. My boyfriend is a genial space cadet. I have had to, with myself, ask if I want to be right or if I want to be gracious/graceful/empathetic about a topic/process/task. We've talked about this problem a lot and where we sort of come down on it is
- If we're dealing with an actual emergency or some sort of time limited very important thing (ranging from catching a flight to dealing with a power failure) I will sort of take charge and that needs to be okay and he tries to unwrap his ego from it
- If we're doing something that is supposed to be fun, me getting scold-y is anti-fun and I need to knock it off (EVEN IF I AM RIGHT, this is important)
- If we're somewhere in the middle, I try to phrase my "I need you to do this in a certain way" request thusly
-- I know this is me being weird (it is, efficiency is just one goal among many)
-- I do feel strongly about this however
-- some version of "thank you for being patient with me" as I try to relax, take things more slowly and enjoy life more
- And then you can work on his sharp tone in an easier way since you are clearly trying to meet him partway
Being with him is a choice and you chose him for a reason. Just speaking for myself but part of this may be that he is different from you and this is one of the ways where there needs to be more middle ground. I became happier once I realized that I'd rather my guy happily did the dishes than he did them MY WAY but reluctantly.
posted by jessamyn at 3:33 PM on August 12, 2013 [27 favorites]