Not Your Mother's Sexytime Bon Voyage
August 12, 2013 1:26 PM Subscribe
I am being thrown a bridal shower that I'm relatively aware of. I know that it will take place involving both genders, and the location. I've been asked to provide a guest list, but I don't know how to do that when I don't know what the purpose of a coed bridal shower is for someone who is demonstrably not a virgin. Help, please.
The last time I attended a bridal shower, I was fifteen. It mostly involved only women, and was essentially like a sexytime bon voyage. Older family women came to give marriage advice, combined with young woman of the brides' age to tell her about Things and be risque. Lingerie and sex jokes was a big deal.
This is my second marriage. I have a kid. It is obvious that I am no stranger to sexytimes, even if I wasn't open about it, which I am. This bridal shower is being held in a place that primarily serves alcohol with their food and is involving the menfolk as well.
What goes on at these things? Has anyone been to a recent bridal shower and can tell me about it?
And most importantly, who do I invite? I know usually lists are more exclusive for showers, but isn't that only because it's women-only? Or are there more criteria?
The last time I attended a bridal shower, I was fifteen. It mostly involved only women, and was essentially like a sexytime bon voyage. Older family women came to give marriage advice, combined with young woman of the brides' age to tell her about Things and be risque. Lingerie and sex jokes was a big deal.
This is my second marriage. I have a kid. It is obvious that I am no stranger to sexytimes, even if I wasn't open about it, which I am. This bridal shower is being held in a place that primarily serves alcohol with their food and is involving the menfolk as well.
What goes on at these things? Has anyone been to a recent bridal shower and can tell me about it?
And most importantly, who do I invite? I know usually lists are more exclusive for showers, but isn't that only because it's women-only? Or are there more criteria?
Some bridal showers are full of teh sexy stuff. Others -- like mine -- had zero sexytime innuendo, and are simply a chance to get together and celebrate the bride. For a lot of these people, the shower is where they can actually talk to you, talk about your upcoming wedding, etc. At the wedding you will (perhaps) have many guests and nobody's going to get any in-depth time with you.
Talk to your hostess. The planning might be handled by others but that doesn't mean you have to be in the dark.
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:32 PM on August 12, 2013
Talk to your hostess. The planning might be handled by others but that doesn't mean you have to be in the dark.
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:32 PM on August 12, 2013
I have never been to a risque bridal shower. I've been to one where one guest tried to turn it risque and didn't succeed, that's it. (Bachelorette parties are where the risque seems to be in my world.) However, the best person to answer this is whoever is preparing the guest list -- can you ask them? It will affect who you invite, after all.
Activities at recent bridal showers: Making "wedding dresses" out of toilet paper and judging them. Eating cake. Drinking.
Activities at a co-ed "Jack and Jill" shower: Drinking. Eating. Playing Bridal Gift Bingo.
Activities at every shower ever: Watching bride-to-be open gifts. Trying to figure out comments to make on gifts. "Gee, that's a swell toaster." "What a creative toilet paper cozy." "I'm sure you'll appreciate those margarita glasses on Cinco de Mayo."
posted by pie ninja at 1:36 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Activities at recent bridal showers: Making "wedding dresses" out of toilet paper and judging them. Eating cake. Drinking.
Activities at a co-ed "Jack and Jill" shower: Drinking. Eating. Playing Bridal Gift Bingo.
Activities at every shower ever: Watching bride-to-be open gifts. Trying to figure out comments to make on gifts. "Gee, that's a swell toaster." "What a creative toilet paper cozy." "I'm sure you'll appreciate those margarita glasses on Cinco de Mayo."
posted by pie ninja at 1:36 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's just a boozy night out
That's a bachelor/ette party. Showers are usually during the day, sit-down events, with no dildos and little to no drunkenness. If you're lucky, they have pretty cookies and stuff.
Bridal showers often have themes, like kitchen supplies or each guest brings a gift for every room or the house or something like that. Most of these themes are pretty G-rated. I'd guess that the "sexy" showers are relatively rare, and you can tell the person throwing your party to keep things classy.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:40 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
That's a bachelor/ette party. Showers are usually during the day, sit-down events, with no dildos and little to no drunkenness. If you're lucky, they have pretty cookies and stuff.
Bridal showers often have themes, like kitchen supplies or each guest brings a gift for every room or the house or something like that. Most of these themes are pretty G-rated. I'd guess that the "sexy" showers are relatively rare, and you can tell the person throwing your party to keep things classy.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:40 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Every bridal shower I've ever been to, including my own, has simply been a gathering of people with gifts, sometimes co-ed, sometimes women only. The degree of alcohol, food focus and game playing has varied. Some have been in homes, some have been at restaurants, some at bars. Some are simply a night out. None have been risque, and I'm thinking of 15 to 20 showers I've been to.
posted by gaspode at 1:41 PM on August 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by gaspode at 1:41 PM on August 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
In my mind...
Bridal Shower = party with family & close friends where you are "showered" with gifts and play games. Cocktails and food are served. People of all ages attend. Gifts are either themed or come off the registry.
Bachelorette party = drinking party with sexytimes gifts. Usually takes place in a bar/club and involves the women in your age group.
posted by magnetsphere at 1:43 PM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Bridal Shower = party with family & close friends where you are "showered" with gifts and play games. Cocktails and food are served. People of all ages attend. Gifts are either themed or come off the registry.
Bachelorette party = drinking party with sexytimes gifts. Usually takes place in a bar/club and involves the women in your age group.
posted by magnetsphere at 1:43 PM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
I had a lovely co-ed shower. Our friends came over to our house with noms and presents. I had a shit ton of liquor, so I put that out and we hung out, chatted and opened presents.
As a person who was nearly 40, owned her own home and cooks as a hobby, realistically there was very little I needed to be "showered" with. One of my friends told me, "If you don't register, you'll still get presents, they will just be shit." So I registered.
We registered for DVDs. (This was 11 years ago.) But you get the drift.
Showers can have themes.
An around the clock shower is where each guest is assigned a time, and will bring a gift associated with that time.
A bar shower is nice because people bring bottles and implements to stock your bar.
Mostly though, people just bring things they think you'll like.
One of my friends brought a giant glass dildo to my "bachelorette" dinner, but other than that, I didn't get much sexytimes stuff. Which was good.
So no, your shower has nothing to do with sexytimes. It's all about getting more swag. Kick back and enjoy, think about how much crap you've bought for your friends over the years. Now's your turn to get it all back.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:43 PM on August 12, 2013
As a person who was nearly 40, owned her own home and cooks as a hobby, realistically there was very little I needed to be "showered" with. One of my friends told me, "If you don't register, you'll still get presents, they will just be shit." So I registered.
We registered for DVDs. (This was 11 years ago.) But you get the drift.
Showers can have themes.
An around the clock shower is where each guest is assigned a time, and will bring a gift associated with that time.
A bar shower is nice because people bring bottles and implements to stock your bar.
Mostly though, people just bring things they think you'll like.
One of my friends brought a giant glass dildo to my "bachelorette" dinner, but other than that, I didn't get much sexytimes stuff. Which was good.
So no, your shower has nothing to do with sexytimes. It's all about getting more swag. Kick back and enjoy, think about how much crap you've bought for your friends over the years. Now's your turn to get it all back.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:43 PM on August 12, 2013
I held a co-ed shower for my sister and her husband-to-be. It was a party. We had sushi and cocktails and hung out. There were no games. There were no sexytime gifts or strippers. It was just a party that a friend/sibling could throw to congratulate the couple.
posted by Sophie1 at 1:44 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Sophie1 at 1:44 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
That's a bachelor/ette party.
Yes! Absolutely misread the question. Apologies, OP--I focused on the "alcohol serving place" and thought of the co-ed bachelorette parties I've been to. Alas, I fear that a Hulk-sized dildo may not be in your future. You may still receive lingerie--my wife did at her co-ed shower--but you're more likely to get household wares.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 1:46 PM on August 12, 2013
Yes! Absolutely misread the question. Apologies, OP--I focused on the "alcohol serving place" and thought of the co-ed bachelorette parties I've been to. Alas, I fear that a Hulk-sized dildo may not be in your future. You may still receive lingerie--my wife did at her co-ed shower--but you're more likely to get household wares.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 1:46 PM on August 12, 2013
We had a co-ed shower that was basically a BBQ in the park and a chance for most of our wedding guests to give their wedding gifts at that time rather than at the actual wedding. Subject to park drinking regulations, we had some beer on hand but it wasn't explicitly a drinking occasion. People just came and hung out and I spent most of the time manning the grill. Family members and bosses were present, and it was obviously in public, so there weren't any sexytime happenings.
My impression of standard showers is that they're pretty much the same, since the sexytime comic dildos and stuff come out at the bachelorette party. Those seem to be a fairly recent thing as far as traditions go, so some of that might have been handled previously at the shower, but it seems like the shower is now a friends and family, clean thing, while the bachelor/ette party is for friends and maybe siblings and cousins of like age.
posted by LionIndex at 1:50 PM on August 12, 2013
My impression of standard showers is that they're pretty much the same, since the sexytime comic dildos and stuff come out at the bachelorette party. Those seem to be a fairly recent thing as far as traditions go, so some of that might have been handled previously at the shower, but it seems like the shower is now a friends and family, clean thing, while the bachelor/ette party is for friends and maybe siblings and cousins of like age.
posted by LionIndex at 1:50 PM on August 12, 2013
Congratulations! :)
It's just going to be a daytime party with food and light booze, I'll wager.
I had a surprise shower for my 2nd wedding and the organizers made it a "Kim is older and has a place, so get her a gift card" themed event. (I'm still cringing at that, btw.) Currently bridal showers have become much much less "here's how you have sex" and more "of course you need a crepe maker!"
posted by kimberussell at 1:54 PM on August 12, 2013
It's just going to be a daytime party with food and light booze, I'll wager.
I had a surprise shower for my 2nd wedding and the organizers made it a "Kim is older and has a place, so get her a gift card" themed event. (I'm still cringing at that, btw.) Currently bridal showers have become much much less "here's how you have sex" and more "of course you need a crepe maker!"
posted by kimberussell at 1:54 PM on August 12, 2013
Traditionally a bridal shower was intended for gifts that were specifically for the bride rather than for the couple, and was often for smaller household-type gifts. Sometimes they can be a little risque (like a lingerie shower) but often they're not at all. More modern showers can be coed and range from heavily themed to not themed at all.
Coed showers I've been to include a : kitchen shower, (guests contributed favorite recipes along with small cooking implements), stock-the-bar shower (guests brought a favorite bottle of booze and a cocktail recipe), home improvement shower (the couple owned a fixer-upper; guests brought Home Depot gift cards and small tools), etc. Sometimes there is no theme and people just bring small items from the registry if there is one. Sometimes there are games of varying degrees of silliness and/or fun. Mostly it's just an excuse to have a party and see the bride or couple.
In terms of your guest list I would check with the host about the # of people they want to deal with and then make your guest list out of friends/family who are close enough that you feel comfortable inviting them to something where they are expected to bring a gift.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 2:13 PM on August 12, 2013
Coed showers I've been to include a : kitchen shower, (guests contributed favorite recipes along with small cooking implements), stock-the-bar shower (guests brought a favorite bottle of booze and a cocktail recipe), home improvement shower (the couple owned a fixer-upper; guests brought Home Depot gift cards and small tools), etc. Sometimes there is no theme and people just bring small items from the registry if there is one. Sometimes there are games of varying degrees of silliness and/or fun. Mostly it's just an excuse to have a party and see the bride or couple.
In terms of your guest list I would check with the host about the # of people they want to deal with and then make your guest list out of friends/family who are close enough that you feel comfortable inviting them to something where they are expected to bring a gift.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 2:13 PM on August 12, 2013
I have had the "risque" shower thrown by coworkers, so it is a thing, but usually those are lingerie showers.
Just invite your friends, no overthinking necessary.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:36 PM on August 12, 2013
Just invite your friends, no overthinking necessary.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:36 PM on August 12, 2013
The most recent co-ed shower I went to (about a year ago) was a backyard barbecue, and almost completely indistinguishable from any other backyard barbecue, except the cookies were fancier. We didn't even watch the couple open presents, which was awesome. (I found out later the the people who wanted to see their presents opened were invited over to the couple's house the next day to do so. I thought this was a lovely way to handle it. BTW, I was a bridesmaid at the wedding).
posted by donajo at 2:52 PM on August 12, 2013
posted by donajo at 2:52 PM on August 12, 2013
I co-threw an engagement celebration that was co-ed, and we deliberately kept it PG-13 and nerdy, because that's how the couple rolls. The last bridal shower I was at was basically all recipes, wine, and little games with prizes, which I think is more traditional these days. (Though, yeah, there is a limit to how much one can oooh over kitchen towels if there are gifts involved...) Basically, check in with your host about the theme and attendees but I doubt it will be a similar event to your first one since that's usually more along the lines of a bachelorette party.
posted by jetlagaddict at 3:31 PM on August 12, 2013
posted by jetlagaddict at 3:31 PM on August 12, 2013
For the guest list, in my experience, it would be limited by geography and close-ness (relationship-wise). For my recent bridal shower, which was not co-ed, I invited all of my family who lived in the area, my fiance's mom and sister, plus close local friends. I did not invite my non-local bridesmaids, though I know some people expect them to fly out for all wedding-related activities. I think I ended up inviting about 25 people, out of a total wedding guest list of 150 or so. Do not invite anyone who is not also invited to the wedding.
posted by wsquared at 3:32 PM on August 12, 2013
posted by wsquared at 3:32 PM on August 12, 2013
I've never yet been to a bridal shower that has any kind of sexytimes theme or booze: maybe I come from a boring bunch of people, but to us, 'bridal showers' are an awful lot like 'baby showers' --- they both include punch, tea or coffee, plus cake and maybe light snacks; only the gifts and the decorations change.
Bridal gifts, in my experience, tend to things to prepare the new couple's home: tableware like silver, china place-settings, or fine glasses; crystal/silver like candleholders; kitchen gear; linens; that kind of stuff.
posted by easily confused at 3:44 PM on August 12, 2013
Bridal gifts, in my experience, tend to things to prepare the new couple's home: tableware like silver, china place-settings, or fine glasses; crystal/silver like candleholders; kitchen gear; linens; that kind of stuff.
posted by easily confused at 3:44 PM on August 12, 2013
Not sure what the "not a virgin" thing has to do with it, unless you're confusing the bridal shower with the bachelorette party.
Every bridal shower I've ever been to was just a party with some stuff in the middle where people gave the bride gifts for their new home - knives, cookware, linens, and other housewares. My cousin's shower was co-ed, and that's all they did - but they actually let the guys go do something guy-ish (I think they all went to a video arcade or something) while the women all did the "give gifts to the bride" bit and then the guys came back for the "now we're having a barbecue" part. My sister-in-law's shower was all women, and it also was just "give gifts of housewares" at a tea party. (It was so girly I noticed that someone's husband came to pick his wife up at the end, and rather than coming to the door he sat waiting in his car in the driveway as if he could sense this Estrogen Field around the house.)
The giggly raunch stuff is more for the bachelorette party, and even there it's not something that has to happen if you don't want it to.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:46 PM on August 12, 2013
Every bridal shower I've ever been to was just a party with some stuff in the middle where people gave the bride gifts for their new home - knives, cookware, linens, and other housewares. My cousin's shower was co-ed, and that's all they did - but they actually let the guys go do something guy-ish (I think they all went to a video arcade or something) while the women all did the "give gifts to the bride" bit and then the guys came back for the "now we're having a barbecue" part. My sister-in-law's shower was all women, and it also was just "give gifts of housewares" at a tea party. (It was so girly I noticed that someone's husband came to pick his wife up at the end, and rather than coming to the door he sat waiting in his car in the driveway as if he could sense this Estrogen Field around the house.)
The giggly raunch stuff is more for the bachelorette party, and even there it's not something that has to happen if you don't want it to.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:46 PM on August 12, 2013
I suspect I'm around the same age as Corb. So to clarify, when I was younger (in the northeast USA, YMMV, disclaimer disclaimer), there was no such thing as a bachelorette party like we have today. Grooms had a bachelor party, brides had the bridal shower which was never co-ed, and part of the spectacle was giving the bride her lingerie trousseau and cornball jokey books about sex that never really explained things. I had a bachelorette party in 1997, but there was no widespread peen-themed party decor like there is now.
Showers now are pretty stepford/pinterest/conservative compared to what they used to be when I was a kid and banished to another room to steal cookies during gift time.
posted by kimberussell at 5:10 AM on August 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Showers now are pretty stepford/pinterest/conservative compared to what they used to be when I was a kid and banished to another room to steal cookies during gift time.
posted by kimberussell at 5:10 AM on August 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's just a boozy night out, but depending on the mix of guests, you may be "treated" to roast-level bawdiness (e.g., Hulk-size dildo).
Have fun, and congratulations!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 1:32 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]