My LDR girlfriend was raped and I'm worrying about her safety.
August 12, 2013 10:43 AM Subscribe
How can my LDR girlfriend protect herself from the guy who raped her?
Firstly, a bit about us. We are in a long distance relationship; she is in the US while I am in the UK. We have been together since May 2012, seeing each other during summer/Christmas breaks (she Is currently with me! J ). In march 2013 we got engaged and I love her to bits.
Around march/april time I noticed she was different, more reserved in her speech, less talkative about events and was taking a lot of time off of college. I thought she was cheating on me and we came quite close to breaking up a few times between then and June. Everything was great until I read her diary to see what she was hiding from me in early july(I know it was bad to read her diary, please don’t crucify me on that, we have already discussed that). She was raped by a guy in his mid-twenties at her college twice between that period. Initially, I reacted the worse way possible by being angry, not talking to her and arguing. Eventually I calmed down and realised what a douche what I was being. I listen to how she wanted to proceed with things and we agreed that she would tell me when she was ready.
Jump to today, we have had a great time with each other and it hasn’t been brought up at all, until now.
She got an email from the guy threatening to tell me about the rape and that she was sleeping with all of her male friends. After this email was sent, she showed me the email right away and told me the details of the rape. I felt like such a dick for acting the way I did when I first found out. She was taken advantage off and forced to do what this guy wanted. It was also made clear that she didn’t tell the police, only her personal therapist (where the sessions are recorded, so there may be that video), the sexual assault councillor at her college and her coordinator for an extracurricular activity. As far as evidence goes, it’s pretty thin. The emails and Facebook messages he sent where deleted instantly, except for the latest one where the threats are explicit, and there might cctv at the hotel where it happened. Apparently, the rapist’s dad is the police chief for the town/city where the college is and he has been let got for assault charges before, so we don’t know if the police is the best route.
My biggest problem about this whole thing is her safety. When she goes back to the US come September I won’t be there for her and the guy has made is perfectly clear that he intends to do something. We are both a bit stuck as to how to proceed and any advice on the situation at all would be extremely welcomed. She intends to file a restraining order but we don't know how much that will protect her.
Firstly, a bit about us. We are in a long distance relationship; she is in the US while I am in the UK. We have been together since May 2012, seeing each other during summer/Christmas breaks (she Is currently with me! J ). In march 2013 we got engaged and I love her to bits.
Around march/april time I noticed she was different, more reserved in her speech, less talkative about events and was taking a lot of time off of college. I thought she was cheating on me and we came quite close to breaking up a few times between then and June. Everything was great until I read her diary to see what she was hiding from me in early july(I know it was bad to read her diary, please don’t crucify me on that, we have already discussed that). She was raped by a guy in his mid-twenties at her college twice between that period. Initially, I reacted the worse way possible by being angry, not talking to her and arguing. Eventually I calmed down and realised what a douche what I was being. I listen to how she wanted to proceed with things and we agreed that she would tell me when she was ready.
Jump to today, we have had a great time with each other and it hasn’t been brought up at all, until now.
She got an email from the guy threatening to tell me about the rape and that she was sleeping with all of her male friends. After this email was sent, she showed me the email right away and told me the details of the rape. I felt like such a dick for acting the way I did when I first found out. She was taken advantage off and forced to do what this guy wanted. It was also made clear that she didn’t tell the police, only her personal therapist (where the sessions are recorded, so there may be that video), the sexual assault councillor at her college and her coordinator for an extracurricular activity. As far as evidence goes, it’s pretty thin. The emails and Facebook messages he sent where deleted instantly, except for the latest one where the threats are explicit, and there might cctv at the hotel where it happened. Apparently, the rapist’s dad is the police chief for the town/city where the college is and he has been let got for assault charges before, so we don’t know if the police is the best route.
My biggest problem about this whole thing is her safety. When she goes back to the US come September I won’t be there for her and the guy has made is perfectly clear that he intends to do something. We are both a bit stuck as to how to proceed and any advice on the situation at all would be extremely welcomed. She intends to file a restraining order but we don't know how much that will protect her.
Hopefully, others will have better solutions, but personally, I would transfer to another school in another town immediately. I would do whatever it took to accomplish this, even if it meant dropping out for a semester. Then I would pursue justice by whatever means possible.
I say this because her safety is the single most important factor. Everything else is secondary.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:50 AM on August 12, 2013 [7 favorites]
I say this because her safety is the single most important factor. Everything else is secondary.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:50 AM on August 12, 2013 [7 favorites]
If she has a message from him making explicit threats, especially one in which he acknowledges raping her, I would take that straight to campus police (a different entity than the town police). What did the assault counselor at her college tell her?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:51 AM on August 12, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:51 AM on August 12, 2013 [10 favorites]
Can you talk to the state police for her state instead of the town/city police?
posted by nooneyouknow at 10:54 AM on August 12, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by nooneyouknow at 10:54 AM on August 12, 2013 [5 favorites]
She could also consider talking to the county sheriff's office, telling them that she is concerned about talking to the local police because of the son/father relationship between the alleged rapist and the chief of police. If there is serious evidence of the son being let go before, it might even be appropriate for her to involve federal law enforcement such as the FBI, or at least to express her concerns to them and ask for their advice. You could also check whether Facebook retains backup copies of deleted messages (law enforcement specialists such as internet crime detectives might also know the answer to that).
posted by Dansaman at 11:02 AM on August 12, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by Dansaman at 11:02 AM on August 12, 2013 [9 favorites]
If she has a message from him making explicit threats, especially one in which he acknowledges raping her, I would take that straight to campus police (a different entity than the town police). What did the assault counselor at her college tell her?
I just want to add that this isn't necessarily a bad idea, but depending on the campus, this isn't always the best way to get an adequate response. Some schools have been notorious for not responding in a way that values justice and security for the injured over the accused's rehabilitation and the school's reputation. I would not be scared to take it outside of the school first, if you think this is a necessary step, or to even involve both. There's the legal issue, and also how the school is going to choose to respond to it. The school, for example, cannot place a restraining order on a student, if needed, but they have a lot to say about whether the student is allowed on campus.
posted by SpacemanStix at 11:14 AM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
I just want to add that this isn't necessarily a bad idea, but depending on the campus, this isn't always the best way to get an adequate response. Some schools have been notorious for not responding in a way that values justice and security for the injured over the accused's rehabilitation and the school's reputation. I would not be scared to take it outside of the school first, if you think this is a necessary step, or to even involve both. There's the legal issue, and also how the school is going to choose to respond to it. The school, for example, cannot place a restraining order on a student, if needed, but they have a lot to say about whether the student is allowed on campus.
posted by SpacemanStix at 11:14 AM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: This guy sounds like he is into mental/emotional control - convincing her that she has to do what he wants or else. This is based on blackmail and would be more true if "forced to do what he wants" didn't involve actual weapons. This means that the best way for her to be safe is to remove his leverage. First, she did well to tell you the truth so you not only heard the truth from her but took away the threat of him telling others. She should also consider filing charges somewhere - not because she can prove beyond a shadow of doubt that he is guilty but so that she can go on record as saying this happened, it is wrong and I won't pretend otherwise. (There are reason for not doing this but it occurs to me that it might help her stand up to him to do it) I would also look into a restraining order - if she qualifies for one, it can be helpful as long as she is willing to warn him off and call the police if he violates it even a little. (In California, I have heard that the police are pretty good about backing up a restraining order. The problems tend to happen when the victim has mixed feelings about the perp and isn't consistent about making the perp keep his distance.)
She should definitely continue to work with a therapist since this isn't over yet. I would encourage her to look at how she might be buying into his story that he has all the power. He said, if he tells everyone lies about her sleeping around, they will all believe him and it ruin her reputation. Is that true? Certainly not 100% But probably not 0%. So, who will believe her (some people, maybe most) and some people wont care. And of the people that believe him, how much impact will that have on her? what does she gain and what does she lose by refusing by standing up to him?
Unfortunately, this is all her work. There is very little you can actually do beyond what you are doing now - listening, loving, accepting her style and speed for dealng with things and supporting her in the choices she makes. It may not feel like much, but it will certainly make a difference. Knowing that you can count on each other in hard times makes all the difference in building an enduring relationship. The goal is that 20 years from now, these events will be in the long-ago past but you will still be there for each other.
posted by metahawk at 11:20 AM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
She should definitely continue to work with a therapist since this isn't over yet. I would encourage her to look at how she might be buying into his story that he has all the power. He said, if he tells everyone lies about her sleeping around, they will all believe him and it ruin her reputation. Is that true? Certainly not 100% But probably not 0%. So, who will believe her (some people, maybe most) and some people wont care. And of the people that believe him, how much impact will that have on her? what does she gain and what does she lose by refusing by standing up to him?
Unfortunately, this is all her work. There is very little you can actually do beyond what you are doing now - listening, loving, accepting her style and speed for dealng with things and supporting her in the choices she makes. It may not feel like much, but it will certainly make a difference. Knowing that you can count on each other in hard times makes all the difference in building an enduring relationship. The goal is that 20 years from now, these events will be in the long-ago past but you will still be there for each other.
posted by metahawk at 11:20 AM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: MONSTER, my GF says the assault counselor was not particularly helpful. The counselor let her describe the incidents and confirmed that it was assault and directed her to call the local helpline for domestic abuse and sexual violence. She did not do this because she thought the response would be the same as from the assault counselor.
posted by Dufay at 11:20 AM on August 12, 2013
posted by Dufay at 11:20 AM on August 12, 2013
Best answer: Here are my suggestions:
1. The recommendation for RAINN was a good one. However, RAINN is not a national hotline; it is a single number that forwards each individual call to the local center that is geographically closest to the caller. I don't know how that would work if your girlfriend is calling from the UK. However, your girlfriend should be able to directly call the rape crisis center that serves her college region, although it may not be toll-free. (If she has trouble locating her local rape crisis center via Google, memail me and I can help out.)
Making contact with RAINN now will have the benefit of ensuring that she gets the most relevant and specific legal advice possible (some laws vary state to state) and that she has someone to meet with in person when she returns to then US. I'm not even talking therapy at this point; just logistics. If she ends up needing to navigate the legal system to get a restraining order, they should be able to help walk her through it. Of course, if she does not plan to return to school because of safety concerns, she can also call the center closest to her hometown...or anywhere she wants. No one will hang up on her. In general, it's worthwhile prefacing conversations with all of these service providers (police, campus, counseling) with some variation of the phrase "I've been assaulted and I have immediate safety concerns."
2. If she felt comfortable talking to the sexual assault counselor, she should definitely be in touch again ASAP. I know it's the summer, but that's the kind of call (involving direct threats and fears of safety) that the counselor should be ready to receive pretty much 24/7. EDIT: and now I see that she didn't think the counselor was that helpful, which is totally okay. If she doesn't feel actively uncomfortable talking to a counselor, and thinks she might want any kind of special accommodations from the school (i.e., to live next year in a dorm with extra security, or to take measures have her assaulter banned from campus) the counselor might still be a good resource. But if she never wants to talk to that counselor again, no worries. She should be able to get all of this support via other channels.
3. I would hold off on contacting the police - either town or campus - until she has made those first two calls. However, it's worth keeping in mind that she does not need to prove that the rapes took place in order to get protection from the man who is threatening her. Therefore, things like ccv cameras, therapist recordings, etc. aren't of immediate concern. I would suggest instead, if she feels up to it, that she write up a timeline of her interactions with her attacker, including the approximate date and content of every email he's sent her (summarizing the one's she's deleted).
There is no need to get into detail or to provide "proof." Proving that a crime actually took place is a DA's job, not the victim's. Still, she should save any emails, voice mails, etc. from now on. This document can help organize her thoughts when it comes time to speak with police officers and campus bureaucrats who can provide much-needed help, but who can sometimes come off as aggressive or doubtful upon first encounter.
4. The goal of all three of the previous suggestions is that she should not return to campus without a safety plan in place. Everyone she should be interacting with from this point on should be familiar with what a good safety plan looks like, and ready and willing to help her put one together.
Importantly, all a safety plan means is that *she* feels safe coming back to campus. What safety means in this context is entirely up to her. Maybe it just means she has a plan for what to do if she sees her attacker around campus; maybe it means she doesn't want to go back until she has a restraining order, or he's in jail. It could even mean doing nothing at all. It's her call.
While it is good of you to support her through this, ultimately, you have to make sure that her needs take priority. While you would no doubt prefer that guy be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, your girlfriend chose not to go to the police initially for a reason, and she shouldn't feel like she needs to do so in order to keep your support. Even if some of her choices down the road scare you, you need to commit to being behind her 100%. Lots of other people are likely to doubt her and second-guess no matter what she does; lending your unequivocal support to her decisions is the best way you can help her right now.
Finally, take care of yourself. It's difficult to support someone you care about through something like this, and you need to make sure you're in a good and healthy place so you can give her the support you need. Any hotline that caters to survivors is also open to friends and family - if you ever feel panicked or overwhelmed or like you just need to vent, those can be a good, and confidential, resource.
Good luck!
posted by pretentious illiterate at 11:47 AM on August 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
1. The recommendation for RAINN was a good one. However, RAINN is not a national hotline; it is a single number that forwards each individual call to the local center that is geographically closest to the caller. I don't know how that would work if your girlfriend is calling from the UK. However, your girlfriend should be able to directly call the rape crisis center that serves her college region, although it may not be toll-free. (If she has trouble locating her local rape crisis center via Google, memail me and I can help out.)
Making contact with RAINN now will have the benefit of ensuring that she gets the most relevant and specific legal advice possible (some laws vary state to state) and that she has someone to meet with in person when she returns to then US. I'm not even talking therapy at this point; just logistics. If she ends up needing to navigate the legal system to get a restraining order, they should be able to help walk her through it. Of course, if she does not plan to return to school because of safety concerns, she can also call the center closest to her hometown...or anywhere she wants. No one will hang up on her. In general, it's worthwhile prefacing conversations with all of these service providers (police, campus, counseling) with some variation of the phrase "I've been assaulted and I have immediate safety concerns."
2. If she felt comfortable talking to the sexual assault counselor, she should definitely be in touch again ASAP. I know it's the summer, but that's the kind of call (involving direct threats and fears of safety) that the counselor should be ready to receive pretty much 24/7. EDIT: and now I see that she didn't think the counselor was that helpful, which is totally okay. If she doesn't feel actively uncomfortable talking to a counselor, and thinks she might want any kind of special accommodations from the school (i.e., to live next year in a dorm with extra security, or to take measures have her assaulter banned from campus) the counselor might still be a good resource. But if she never wants to talk to that counselor again, no worries. She should be able to get all of this support via other channels.
3. I would hold off on contacting the police - either town or campus - until she has made those first two calls. However, it's worth keeping in mind that she does not need to prove that the rapes took place in order to get protection from the man who is threatening her. Therefore, things like ccv cameras, therapist recordings, etc. aren't of immediate concern. I would suggest instead, if she feels up to it, that she write up a timeline of her interactions with her attacker, including the approximate date and content of every email he's sent her (summarizing the one's she's deleted).
There is no need to get into detail or to provide "proof." Proving that a crime actually took place is a DA's job, not the victim's. Still, she should save any emails, voice mails, etc. from now on. This document can help organize her thoughts when it comes time to speak with police officers and campus bureaucrats who can provide much-needed help, but who can sometimes come off as aggressive or doubtful upon first encounter.
4. The goal of all three of the previous suggestions is that she should not return to campus without a safety plan in place. Everyone she should be interacting with from this point on should be familiar with what a good safety plan looks like, and ready and willing to help her put one together.
Importantly, all a safety plan means is that *she* feels safe coming back to campus. What safety means in this context is entirely up to her. Maybe it just means she has a plan for what to do if she sees her attacker around campus; maybe it means she doesn't want to go back until she has a restraining order, or he's in jail. It could even mean doing nothing at all. It's her call.
While it is good of you to support her through this, ultimately, you have to make sure that her needs take priority. While you would no doubt prefer that guy be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, your girlfriend chose not to go to the police initially for a reason, and she shouldn't feel like she needs to do so in order to keep your support. Even if some of her choices down the road scare you, you need to commit to being behind her 100%. Lots of other people are likely to doubt her and second-guess no matter what she does; lending your unequivocal support to her decisions is the best way you can help her right now.
Finally, take care of yourself. It's difficult to support someone you care about through something like this, and you need to make sure you're in a good and healthy place so you can give her the support you need. Any hotline that caters to survivors is also open to friends and family - if you ever feel panicked or overwhelmed or like you just need to vent, those can be a good, and confidential, resource.
Good luck!
posted by pretentious illiterate at 11:47 AM on August 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
The college should help, in moving the rapist out of her classes and such. That doesn't mean they will, though. Can she ask around (or Google around) and see if the college has a decent reputation for dealing with sexual assault survivors?
She should not, in any way, offer to give recordings of her therapy sessions to anyone in law enforcement (or anyone else). That can legally open her up to having all her therapy session recordings or notes subpoenaed, which means that any normal feelings of guilt or self-blame she expressed may become part of this scumbag's defense.
Contacting RAINN is absolutely a great first step. They have an online chat, too, which may be the easiest way for her to get help from the UK.
posted by jaguar at 2:44 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
She should not, in any way, offer to give recordings of her therapy sessions to anyone in law enforcement (or anyone else). That can legally open her up to having all her therapy session recordings or notes subpoenaed, which means that any normal feelings of guilt or self-blame she expressed may become part of this scumbag's defense.
Contacting RAINN is absolutely a great first step. They have an online chat, too, which may be the easiest way for her to get help from the UK.
posted by jaguar at 2:44 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: One thing you should know in this situation is that colleges in the US have a really really terrible reputation for dealing with sexual assault.
It is depressingly common for their first priority to be protecting the school's reputation — and for protecting the victim to be way way down at the bottom of their list. It varies from school to school just how bad this is. At the one extreme, there are universities that are under federal investigation for systematically covering up rapes, refusing to punish rapists, blaming the victims for what they suffered, and preventing them from seeking justice or accessing resources. At the other extreme, there are some schools that do a reasonably good job of handling this stuff, though it's rare. The norm, sadly, is exactly the sort of pleasant-but-useless treatment your girlfriend got: "Oh you poor thing, you must feel terrible, here's a hotline you can call for emotional support," but no actual protection, and certainly no attempt to punish the perpetrator.
It sounds like your girlfriend is already pretty much aware of all this stuff. She might have known about it even before her first conversation with the campus counselor. She almost certainly knows about it now, from her personal experience dealing with that office.
Please trust her judgment. If she says "No, those people aren't helpful, they aren't going to take my side, I refuse to go back there," please believe her. You might be tempted to say "Look, that's just irrational, of course they'll help" or "Oh, that can't be right, you're just being paranoid" or whatever, but — no, actually, sadly, it's probably the truth.
I guess I'm just echoing what other people have said about trusting your girlfriend's take on the situation, and supporting her in whatever response she thinks makes the most sense. But I wanted to emphasize this one point because it's something that can be really surprising if you aren't familiar with it first-hand.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 2:45 PM on August 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
It is depressingly common for their first priority to be protecting the school's reputation — and for protecting the victim to be way way down at the bottom of their list. It varies from school to school just how bad this is. At the one extreme, there are universities that are under federal investigation for systematically covering up rapes, refusing to punish rapists, blaming the victims for what they suffered, and preventing them from seeking justice or accessing resources. At the other extreme, there are some schools that do a reasonably good job of handling this stuff, though it's rare. The norm, sadly, is exactly the sort of pleasant-but-useless treatment your girlfriend got: "Oh you poor thing, you must feel terrible, here's a hotline you can call for emotional support," but no actual protection, and certainly no attempt to punish the perpetrator.
It sounds like your girlfriend is already pretty much aware of all this stuff. She might have known about it even before her first conversation with the campus counselor. She almost certainly knows about it now, from her personal experience dealing with that office.
Please trust her judgment. If she says "No, those people aren't helpful, they aren't going to take my side, I refuse to go back there," please believe her. You might be tempted to say "Look, that's just irrational, of course they'll help" or "Oh, that can't be right, you're just being paranoid" or whatever, but — no, actually, sadly, it's probably the truth.
I guess I'm just echoing what other people have said about trusting your girlfriend's take on the situation, and supporting her in whatever response she thinks makes the most sense. But I wanted to emphasize this one point because it's something that can be really surprising if you aren't familiar with it first-hand.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 2:45 PM on August 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: jaguar, unfortunately, there was an incident prior to my girlfriend's time at her university where a girl was kidnapped and raped by another student, and the rapist was allowed to return to campus with no consequences. The school's grievance policies basically force the burden of proof onto victims, rather than perpetrators. That being said, individual faculty there are very supportive of students, and she has already begun the process of contacting faculty she will work with, classmates she is close with and other friends in the area so they can put a comprehensive safety plan in place.
posted by Dufay at 2:50 PM on August 12, 2013
posted by Dufay at 2:50 PM on August 12, 2013
That makes me so angry. Argh. But it sounds like your girlfriend doing an awesome job of reaching out to the right people.
The local sexual assault crisis center would probably be another helpful resource, in that they'll likely know who else can be helpful at the school or in the community. She wouldn't necessarily have to go in for counseling, but they should have someone doing something like "Crisis Services" or "Survivor Advocacy" who can just help guide her through her options.
posted by jaguar at 3:03 PM on August 12, 2013
The local sexual assault crisis center would probably be another helpful resource, in that they'll likely know who else can be helpful at the school or in the community. She wouldn't necessarily have to go in for counseling, but they should have someone doing something like "Crisis Services" or "Survivor Advocacy" who can just help guide her through her options.
posted by jaguar at 3:03 PM on August 12, 2013
Best answer: The rape crisis center can probably help with the restraining order, too, especially if they also deal with domestic violence.
posted by jaguar at 3:07 PM on August 12, 2013
posted by jaguar at 3:07 PM on August 12, 2013
Response by poster: He has just tried to add me as a friend on Facebook and sent me a cryptic message with a phone number neither of us recognizes. We don't know what to do. I will not add him, but I am considering sending him a message telling him to cease communication.
posted by Dufay at 4:42 PM on August 12, 2013
posted by Dufay at 4:42 PM on August 12, 2013
Dufay, I'd just ignore the message (and further ones he's likely to send) but save it. Your gf might want it, at some point, as evidence he's harassing you, too. (And telling him to stop contacting you is unlikely to do anything other than convince him he's getting a rise out of you.)
posted by jaguar at 4:48 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 4:48 PM on August 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Another way you could go is to let him keep communicating with you in the hope he will implicate himself...
posted by Jubey at 4:50 PM on August 12, 2013
posted by Jubey at 4:50 PM on August 12, 2013
Response by poster: Jubey, though I can understand how your idea could work, it is triggering for my girlfriend to keep receiving unwanted contact with this person.
posted by Dufay at 4:54 PM on August 12, 2013
posted by Dufay at 4:54 PM on August 12, 2013
Oh, I misunderstood - I thought he was contacting you in an attempt to rile you, (hence letting him do it and hang himself with his own confession) but if if it's your girlfriend instead, yes, you're absolutely right, it must be incredibly traumatic and I definitely wouldn't encourage it. I'm completely appalled and disgusted that a person like this not only exists but that there is a system in place which seems to allow him to repeatedly get away with it and turn a blind eye. I can only imagine how the two of you must feel.
posted by Jubey at 5:08 PM on August 12, 2013
posted by Jubey at 5:08 PM on August 12, 2013
Response by poster: Oh, to clarify, it is the BOTH of us receiving unwanted messages.
Thank you for your sympathy. We'll get through this, and the output of kindness from the AskMeFi community has been so wonderful to have.
posted by Dufay at 5:11 PM on August 12, 2013
Thank you for your sympathy. We'll get through this, and the output of kindness from the AskMeFi community has been so wonderful to have.
posted by Dufay at 5:11 PM on August 12, 2013
This PDF guide on dealing with abusers on Facebook might be helpful for both of you. It mainly just discusses privacy, blocking, and reporting options, so it might not have any new info for either of you, but it may be worthwhile to go through it just in case.
posted by jaguar at 5:28 PM on August 12, 2013
posted by jaguar at 5:28 PM on August 12, 2013
Dufay, did he try to add you on FB, or your girlfriend?
If it's the former, I think you should accept his request, in the hope that he messages you something incriminating. If he's stupid enough to provide you with written evidence of his crimes, it could be very helpful.
posted by Salamander at 5:48 PM on August 12, 2013
If it's the former, I think you should accept his request, in the hope that he messages you something incriminating. If he's stupid enough to provide you with written evidence of his crimes, it could be very helpful.
posted by Salamander at 5:48 PM on August 12, 2013
This story in today's Huffington Post may have some useful information regarding reporting sexual assault on college campuses.
Mostov joined with several other USC students in filing a complaint with the U.S. Department of Education against the university over the weekend, alleging violations of the Clery Act, a federal law mandating accurate and timely reporting of crime on campus, including sexual violence.posted by MexicanYenta at 8:47 PM on August 12, 2013
I don't know where in the UK you guys currently are, but if it's London your girlfriend might want to pop into The Havens. They're rape crisis centres with a very good rep, and as far as I'm aware they operate 24/7. She'd be able to speak to a counsellor and, although they probably wouldn't be much help on US law, it would probably be helpful to her when preparing herself for her return - especially if she's not guaranteed great support when she gets back.
posted by Acheman at 12:58 AM on August 13, 2013
posted by Acheman at 12:58 AM on August 13, 2013
Response by poster: We are in NW England. My girlfriend has looked into rape crisis centres there, but we haven't gone before because she did not know if her non-UK-citizen status would affect their ability to work with her. We will contact them soon to clarify the matter.
posted by Dufay at 2:21 AM on August 13, 2013
posted by Dufay at 2:21 AM on August 13, 2013
I may have missed this, but if possible, after following the practical suggestions above (imperative to document and create a timeline) can you guys come back to the States together? Like immediately? I would not waste any time getting the authorities involved. It would be great if you could continue standing by her side through this, including physically.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:39 AM on August 13, 2013
posted by thinkpiece at 4:39 AM on August 13, 2013
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posted by batmonkey at 10:48 AM on August 12, 2013