Han I explain social anxiety to my parents?
August 11, 2013 8:48 PM Subscribe
My significant other has social anxiety. I think my parents take it personally. How can I explain this is not about them?
The long version: BF and I have been living together for a year and a half, and I had initially chalked up his issues with my parents as residual issues because his ex's parents were horrible to him, and his own mother is a bit of a piece of work. But last week, at his parents, I noticed his father exhibiting many of the same behaviours he does---there were six eating, talking people in a boisterous group the the table, and Dan's dad, letting is in, immediately wincing at the noise when he closed the door, and then retreating to the other room to read his book and ignore the lot of them. Hmm. Interesting.
BF has been in therapy and has made some progress. There are a few special snowflake issues I won't get into here, but the short version is a) he is made some progress b) he will come to my stuff when it's really important to me, if I ask him and c) when it's NOT really important, I don't ask him and everyone is happier that way.
So here is my dilemma. I get it. I do. His family is small, mine is large and messy. People come up to him and hug him, uninvited. They talk loudly and he gets overstimulated by the noise. This is never going to be his favourite thing to do, but I am learning also that it is a two-way street: he has to stretch for me, but I have to respect HIS needs too and be judicious in when I play that card and ask him to. And that means I can't expect him to come every time.
But when he doesn't come, I get all sorts of questions about what he's doing and where he is. And I think some people---my mother, especially---are at the point where we have been together awhile and they all know him now so they figure it's fine and what's the big. They take it personally, and I can't seem to find a way to explain to them that it's nothing personal and this is just something that's hard for him.
I am actually okay with the compromise he and I have right now for when he comes and when he doesn't. It's a fair one, and I know he is working toward making it even fairer. And, if it were not for my dread of dealing with the pestery questions, I actually do have more fun going alone sometimes, because then I don't have to worry about who he is talking to and whether he is having fun. But those pestery questions ARE very pestery. And I don't know how to head them off in a way that won't ruffle feathers. How can I best explain this to my family?
The long version: BF and I have been living together for a year and a half, and I had initially chalked up his issues with my parents as residual issues because his ex's parents were horrible to him, and his own mother is a bit of a piece of work. But last week, at his parents, I noticed his father exhibiting many of the same behaviours he does---there were six eating, talking people in a boisterous group the the table, and Dan's dad, letting is in, immediately wincing at the noise when he closed the door, and then retreating to the other room to read his book and ignore the lot of them. Hmm. Interesting.
BF has been in therapy and has made some progress. There are a few special snowflake issues I won't get into here, but the short version is a) he is made some progress b) he will come to my stuff when it's really important to me, if I ask him and c) when it's NOT really important, I don't ask him and everyone is happier that way.
So here is my dilemma. I get it. I do. His family is small, mine is large and messy. People come up to him and hug him, uninvited. They talk loudly and he gets overstimulated by the noise. This is never going to be his favourite thing to do, but I am learning also that it is a two-way street: he has to stretch for me, but I have to respect HIS needs too and be judicious in when I play that card and ask him to. And that means I can't expect him to come every time.
But when he doesn't come, I get all sorts of questions about what he's doing and where he is. And I think some people---my mother, especially---are at the point where we have been together awhile and they all know him now so they figure it's fine and what's the big. They take it personally, and I can't seem to find a way to explain to them that it's nothing personal and this is just something that's hard for him.
I am actually okay with the compromise he and I have right now for when he comes and when he doesn't. It's a fair one, and I know he is working toward making it even fairer. And, if it were not for my dread of dealing with the pestery questions, I actually do have more fun going alone sometimes, because then I don't have to worry about who he is talking to and whether he is having fun. But those pestery questions ARE very pestery. And I don't know how to head them off in a way that won't ruffle feathers. How can I best explain this to my family?
Ahhh, the plight of the introvert. Yeah, being in big groups is a big pain when you're introverted but here's the thing: your BF needs to learn how to politely stand up for his needs more than you need to get your parents on board with him being of a different breed than the rest of your family. He is capable of saying to someone, "Hey, I am not a hugger. Nothing personal. Glad to see you!" when someone comes up to him and tries to hug him. He is capable of politely saying, "Hey, it's getting kind of loud in here for me. I'll be back -- just need to recharge by myself for a bit" when he gets overstimulated by the boisterous folk. He cannot just collapse into his introversion in the way that his father does, because that just isn't going to facilitate positive interactions with anybody.
We all have to sacrifice our true needs sometimes to be polite, and this is one of those instances in which he has to grow a bit in order to make sure that people know it's not personal. That responsibility actually lies with him, not you, so don't be afraid to encourage him to take charge of it. Baggage does not mean that he gets a free pass when it comes to advocating for himself. Suddenly the onus is all on your family and that's not fair because I bet nobody has really figured out that he's not into their style of interaction because nobody's told them. He can learn how to do that and leave people feeling liked and appreciated, not alienated, and that's going to have longer lasting impressions than you going around and just telling people to knock off being all extroverted in his face.
That being said, you could easily sit down with your parents and have a heart to heart with them and say something to the effect of, "BF comes from a different family environment than we do, and when you come up to him and expect him to behave like he grew up in the way we did, it drives him further into his introverted side and I can tell you are taking it personally. I really need your help because BF is doing everything he can to be as agreeable as possible, but he's just not extroverted in the way we are and he gets overwhelmed with us so quickly. Can you please help me head off some of the things that make him most stressed out? I've noticed he gets really stressed when someone comes up and hugs him uninvited, and that being in a noisy conversation sort of makes him feel like he needs to come up for air a lot. Can you help me let some of our family members know that he has a different way of interacting with people and that it's nothing personal? It makes me so sad to bring him over sometimes and know that he's trying so hard to be agreeable but in the process isn't having any of his needs being respected. He likes you guys so much. Will you please help me make our family a little more welcoming?" or whatever script feels like the best fit for you.
Sorry, long response... FWIW, a few years ago my ex-fiance did a really shitty thing and dropped me, the most introverted, small family person he's ever met, in a room with 40 of his relatives and left to play golf while I drowned in the presence of some incredibly loud, boisterous people without letting them know that I was shy and that I would take some time to warm up to them. I responded by having a mild mental breakdown and later he came back and found me hiding in his cousin's closet trying not to cry. What he should have done is obvious, but the more I think about it, I should have just taken aside the nicest looking person I saw (his aunt) and said, "Oh man, this is embarrassing, but I am from a really small family and have no idea what to do around this many people. Would it be okay if I took a breather somewhere?" instead of not even trying to talk to anyone. I was rude because I didn't know how to communicate my introversion yet, and I regret that.
So kudos to you because you're clearly trying to do the right thing and that's excellent. I think he should do a little more to meet you in the middle and advocate for himself (unless he's already tried and nobody's listening in which case bring out the big guns and make it clear to your parents that your family's being jerks and they need to be better).
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:13 PM on August 11, 2013 [16 favorites]
We all have to sacrifice our true needs sometimes to be polite, and this is one of those instances in which he has to grow a bit in order to make sure that people know it's not personal. That responsibility actually lies with him, not you, so don't be afraid to encourage him to take charge of it. Baggage does not mean that he gets a free pass when it comes to advocating for himself. Suddenly the onus is all on your family and that's not fair because I bet nobody has really figured out that he's not into their style of interaction because nobody's told them. He can learn how to do that and leave people feeling liked and appreciated, not alienated, and that's going to have longer lasting impressions than you going around and just telling people to knock off being all extroverted in his face.
That being said, you could easily sit down with your parents and have a heart to heart with them and say something to the effect of, "BF comes from a different family environment than we do, and when you come up to him and expect him to behave like he grew up in the way we did, it drives him further into his introverted side and I can tell you are taking it personally. I really need your help because BF is doing everything he can to be as agreeable as possible, but he's just not extroverted in the way we are and he gets overwhelmed with us so quickly. Can you please help me head off some of the things that make him most stressed out? I've noticed he gets really stressed when someone comes up and hugs him uninvited, and that being in a noisy conversation sort of makes him feel like he needs to come up for air a lot. Can you help me let some of our family members know that he has a different way of interacting with people and that it's nothing personal? It makes me so sad to bring him over sometimes and know that he's trying so hard to be agreeable but in the process isn't having any of his needs being respected. He likes you guys so much. Will you please help me make our family a little more welcoming?" or whatever script feels like the best fit for you.
Sorry, long response... FWIW, a few years ago my ex-fiance did a really shitty thing and dropped me, the most introverted, small family person he's ever met, in a room with 40 of his relatives and left to play golf while I drowned in the presence of some incredibly loud, boisterous people without letting them know that I was shy and that I would take some time to warm up to them. I responded by having a mild mental breakdown and later he came back and found me hiding in his cousin's closet trying not to cry. What he should have done is obvious, but the more I think about it, I should have just taken aside the nicest looking person I saw (his aunt) and said, "Oh man, this is embarrassing, but I am from a really small family and have no idea what to do around this many people. Would it be okay if I took a breather somewhere?" instead of not even trying to talk to anyone. I was rude because I didn't know how to communicate my introversion yet, and I regret that.
So kudos to you because you're clearly trying to do the right thing and that's excellent. I think he should do a little more to meet you in the middle and advocate for himself (unless he's already tried and nobody's listening in which case bring out the big guns and make it clear to your parents that your family's being jerks and they need to be better).
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:13 PM on August 11, 2013 [16 favorites]
My husband only has so much juice in him for situations like that. And we have a friend-couple where the man is like that as well. And what they do is handle taking care of themselves while the more social half just says, "yeah, he needed some quiet time."
Over time, the very best simple explanation I have found is "he has a sound processing issue and sometimes has to go away to clear his ears for a little while." That way we're not talking in terms of shyness, and it's very rarely feasible to actually decrease the decibel levels. As far as I'm concerned, the ignoring is fine, and anyone who has a problem with it can come to me.
If you can secure a place for him to retreat, it will be easier for him.
I don't know what to do about the touching, though. It may help to recruit your mother as an insider, as someone who is tasked with helping him maintain some space. It'll be up to you to draw the line for everyone else - tell that he needs some space, don't ask for it.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:14 PM on August 11, 2013
Over time, the very best simple explanation I have found is "he has a sound processing issue and sometimes has to go away to clear his ears for a little while." That way we're not talking in terms of shyness, and it's very rarely feasible to actually decrease the decibel levels. As far as I'm concerned, the ignoring is fine, and anyone who has a problem with it can come to me.
If you can secure a place for him to retreat, it will be easier for him.
I don't know what to do about the touching, though. It may help to recruit your mother as an insider, as someone who is tasked with helping him maintain some space. It'll be up to you to draw the line for everyone else - tell that he needs some space, don't ask for it.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:14 PM on August 11, 2013
"Oh, he's off doing his own thing." Followed up, if necessary, by "I don't know, exactly, he was talking about a bunch of different things going on tonight."
"His own thing" may be sitting in the dark playing video games, and that's fine, but you don't need to explain it. I've found that very extroverted people who really and truly do not believe that introverts are happy by themselves, need to believe that introverts are avoiding them because they're happily off with other people. "Doing his own thing" is a way of not-lying that nevertheless leads your family members into thinking that he must be out doing something fabulous, which will increase his value in their eyes.
posted by jaguar at 9:57 PM on August 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
"His own thing" may be sitting in the dark playing video games, and that's fine, but you don't need to explain it. I've found that very extroverted people who really and truly do not believe that introverts are happy by themselves, need to believe that introverts are avoiding them because they're happily off with other people. "Doing his own thing" is a way of not-lying that nevertheless leads your family members into thinking that he must be out doing something fabulous, which will increase his value in their eyes.
posted by jaguar at 9:57 PM on August 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
"He's having a guy's night" will also work, since "guy's" sounds identical to "guys' ".
posted by jaguar at 9:58 PM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 9:58 PM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
How often are we talking about? Every Sunday at church/large family dinners? Once or twice a year on important holidays?
Also, how often is it the whole clan hugging and being loud, vs. how often is it just a quiet dinner one on one with your parents or one sibling or something?
I think it's fine to strategize on when he should attend big whole family events, but I think it's off-putting to give him carte blanche to never go to family stuff ever because sometimes it is like that.
I would be weirded out if my partner refused to have a nice dinner out with just my father and I because one time he came to Thanksgiving and there were step-siblings and third cousins dripping out of the woodwork having loud political debates. Obviously a smaller more intimate gathering isn't going to be like that, and he should have some ability to compromise on this stuff.
If your parents and close family members are seeing him one on one and in quieter situations often, they won't worry so much about this when it comes to cousin so-and-so's junior high graduation barbecue, which is the sort of thing he absolutely isn't obligated to attend, live in SO or not.
posted by Sara C. at 10:04 PM on August 11, 2013
Also, how often is it the whole clan hugging and being loud, vs. how often is it just a quiet dinner one on one with your parents or one sibling or something?
I think it's fine to strategize on when he should attend big whole family events, but I think it's off-putting to give him carte blanche to never go to family stuff ever because sometimes it is like that.
I would be weirded out if my partner refused to have a nice dinner out with just my father and I because one time he came to Thanksgiving and there were step-siblings and third cousins dripping out of the woodwork having loud political debates. Obviously a smaller more intimate gathering isn't going to be like that, and he should have some ability to compromise on this stuff.
If your parents and close family members are seeing him one on one and in quieter situations often, they won't worry so much about this when it comes to cousin so-and-so's junior high graduation barbecue, which is the sort of thing he absolutely isn't obligated to attend, live in SO or not.
posted by Sara C. at 10:04 PM on August 11, 2013
Just tell the truth!
"He loves me and he loves all of you, but our family is a big crowd and he's an introvert. It's OK!"
The more relaxed and normal you are about it, the more they will be, too.
---
Also, most people understand and are respectful about the difference between extroverts and introverts, so if your family resists being normal about something they normally encounter, that's something you work on directly with them.
posted by jbenben at 10:09 PM on August 11, 2013 [7 favorites]
"He loves me and he loves all of you, but our family is a big crowd and he's an introvert. It's OK!"
The more relaxed and normal you are about it, the more they will be, too.
---
Also, most people understand and are respectful about the difference between extroverts and introverts, so if your family resists being normal about something they normally encounter, that's something you work on directly with them.
posted by jbenben at 10:09 PM on August 11, 2013 [7 favorites]
One of my kids has social anxiety and it is hard explaining to people who see this as shyness or rudeness, when it is neither (usually - sometimes it's being a teenager too). Shyness and introversion are personality traits and preferences, while social anxiety is overwhelming fear and panic at social interactions to a whole different degree of intensity.
With casual acquaintances, just laugh it off as introversion that you see as a charming stay-at-home thing, or (white lie) say they have migraines and need to rest, or they're involved in a big work project.
What does he want you to say to them? Is he okay with people knowing he has social anxiety? You need to discuss with him how much you can share of his condition and how he prefers you phrase it, and for different people. It can be a big relief to have a name and to be able to say "Hey, this is what's happening, he's got to stay home for this week but we will work out one lunch next week at a quiet place."
If he okays that, with your family, you can either educate them, which takes time and their willingness to learn, or you can tell them that you have spoken with your partner and his doctor (if you have) and it's complicated but basically okay, and this is how it is. And then if they give you grief, ask them point-blank "Are you doubting my judgement about this? Because I've told you it's a medical issue and not rude, that he's a great guy and I'm happy with this, and I'm the one who has done the research and understands all of it. Do you not trust me?" because that tells them to basically stfu and deal with the sensible boundaries you and your partner have decided on.
That works with people you're close to who are supportive, just not understanding the full extent. This has worked really well for me because I show the same respect for their judgement calls on things they know more about, and they are open-minded enough to say "we don't get it, but we trust you."
With people who refuse to accept that social anxiety exists, you either draw a clear line and ignore their "advice" and deal as best you can, or cut them. We have this with a couple of key people, and with one, we work around and vent about it later, and the others, I minimize any interactions and stand in for conversations and make excuses on my kid's behalf (at his request, from prior discussions about how to handle this). Well-meaning people who think repeatedly inviting him to do theatre and presentations and "make friends" will help his shyness, when it makes things so much worse.
posted by viggorlijah at 10:10 PM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
With casual acquaintances, just laugh it off as introversion that you see as a charming stay-at-home thing, or (white lie) say they have migraines and need to rest, or they're involved in a big work project.
What does he want you to say to them? Is he okay with people knowing he has social anxiety? You need to discuss with him how much you can share of his condition and how he prefers you phrase it, and for different people. It can be a big relief to have a name and to be able to say "Hey, this is what's happening, he's got to stay home for this week but we will work out one lunch next week at a quiet place."
If he okays that, with your family, you can either educate them, which takes time and their willingness to learn, or you can tell them that you have spoken with your partner and his doctor (if you have) and it's complicated but basically okay, and this is how it is. And then if they give you grief, ask them point-blank "Are you doubting my judgement about this? Because I've told you it's a medical issue and not rude, that he's a great guy and I'm happy with this, and I'm the one who has done the research and understands all of it. Do you not trust me?" because that tells them to basically stfu and deal with the sensible boundaries you and your partner have decided on.
That works with people you're close to who are supportive, just not understanding the full extent. This has worked really well for me because I show the same respect for their judgement calls on things they know more about, and they are open-minded enough to say "we don't get it, but we trust you."
With people who refuse to accept that social anxiety exists, you either draw a clear line and ignore their "advice" and deal as best you can, or cut them. We have this with a couple of key people, and with one, we work around and vent about it later, and the others, I minimize any interactions and stand in for conversations and make excuses on my kid's behalf (at his request, from prior discussions about how to handle this). Well-meaning people who think repeatedly inviting him to do theatre and presentations and "make friends" will help his shyness, when it makes things so much worse.
posted by viggorlijah at 10:10 PM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
And when you attend cousin so-and-so's barbecue solo -- as you absolutely should, no "compromise" with boyfriend necessary -- just say he couldn't make it. I don't think you have to give specific activities he's doing in lieu of hanging out with your extended family. There's no "plausible deniability" necessary. Just "he couldn't make it". I mean, plead work or his schedule or "he had a thing" or whatever if it's easier for you, but no sweat on listing of specific activities.
Also, I would avoid saying he didn't feel like coming, or "he's off doing his own thing", which makes it sound like there are problems in your relationship or that he doesn't like seeing your family. Which will probably invite more pesky interrogation rather than shut it down.
Your family probably doesn't want a complete rundown on which specific video game Boyfriend will be playing while out of your presence for a few hours. They're just inquiring after him, because they like him, like you, and want the two of you to be happy.
posted by Sara C. at 10:10 PM on August 11, 2013
Also, I would avoid saying he didn't feel like coming, or "he's off doing his own thing", which makes it sound like there are problems in your relationship or that he doesn't like seeing your family. Which will probably invite more pesky interrogation rather than shut it down.
Your family probably doesn't want a complete rundown on which specific video game Boyfriend will be playing while out of your presence for a few hours. They're just inquiring after him, because they like him, like you, and want the two of you to be happy.
posted by Sara C. at 10:10 PM on August 11, 2013
Separately to some of the answers above: this is not a question of etiquette. People with social anxiety aren't being rude by refusing to go to small gatherings or meet people. It's maybe 5% of my energy to go to lunch with someone I don't know well. For my kid, it's 100% of his energy in worry during the meal, a possible panic attack in the middle of the restaurant, followed by 2-3 days of feeling exhausted, plus crippling shame and despair at failing again.
So yeah, I will not ask him to come for lunch with some relative he barely knows - the trade off is not worth it. A funeral, a wedding, for a short time maybe.
I think it's great that your partner is willing to go to significant events, that's a big contribution. Find out what his comfort level is and work around it. With therapy and sometimes meds, the improvement rates are really good, and you're being really supportive in an intelligent and helpful way.
posted by viggorlijah at 10:15 PM on August 11, 2013 [6 favorites]
So yeah, I will not ask him to come for lunch with some relative he barely knows - the trade off is not worth it. A funeral, a wedding, for a short time maybe.
I think it's great that your partner is willing to go to significant events, that's a big contribution. Find out what his comfort level is and work around it. With therapy and sometimes meds, the improvement rates are really good, and you're being really supportive in an intelligent and helpful way.
posted by viggorlijah at 10:15 PM on August 11, 2013 [6 favorites]
Just say to your mother "He's shy; he comes from a tiny, very quiet family. He likes you guys, he's just better in smaller groups. I mean - waving at the chaos - you can see how this could be overwhelming, right?"
posted by DarlingBri at 10:35 PM on August 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 10:35 PM on August 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
Is there a relative or two that frequently shows up to these things that maybe you could take him to lunch with so he could get to know them and make them his "wingman", so at the bigger events he has a couple people he feels safe with and could hang out with rather than being plunged into this teeming mass of people he barely knows all talking and being touchy feely with him? Likewise, could you alert said wingman that he gets overwhelmed and if he starts getting The Fear in his eyes, to herd him outside for "a smoke" or something so he can get his shit together? Or maybe if everyone's in the living room to ask him to come help out in the much-quieter kitchen? That kinda thing.
Like I didn't even realize one of my relatives didn't give a shit about cars until long after he was dead and we were talking about how weird it was that he always wanted to take one of us outside and talk about how our cars were running when he always took his to the dealership and never even changed a tire. It took several of us to realize he was basically using it as an excuse to get out of the teeming mass of people for 10-20 minutes and had been for decades.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 10:48 PM on August 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Like I didn't even realize one of my relatives didn't give a shit about cars until long after he was dead and we were talking about how weird it was that he always wanted to take one of us outside and talk about how our cars were running when he always took his to the dealership and never even changed a tire. It took several of us to realize he was basically using it as an excuse to get out of the teeming mass of people for 10-20 minutes and had been for decades.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 10:48 PM on August 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
A friend of mine had a kid diagnosed with "selective mutism." In other words, she occasionally was physically incapable of speaking in certain social settings. Mom was all thrilled to finally have an explanation. As a kid, her own serious social issues had been explained as "She's just shy."
The first time she told someone kid had selective mutism, kid got a look of horror on their face. This just made the problems worse. Mom went back to saying "Kid is just really shy."
Sometimes it is best to keep it simple: "He's just shy."..."He's not much of a joiner"..."It is my family, not his. So what's the big deal?" (i.e. If family keeps saying "what is the big deal?" turn the tables and say "No big deal. What is your problem with it?")
Not everyone needs to understand the clinical diagnosis or whatever. Social differences existed long before we had fancy labels for all them. I would probably try to keep it simple and not over-explain. I would work on deflecting the pestery questions.
posted by Michele in California at 11:09 PM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
The first time she told someone kid had selective mutism, kid got a look of horror on their face. This just made the problems worse. Mom went back to saying "Kid is just really shy."
Sometimes it is best to keep it simple: "He's just shy."..."He's not much of a joiner"..."It is my family, not his. So what's the big deal?" (i.e. If family keeps saying "what is the big deal?" turn the tables and say "No big deal. What is your problem with it?")
Not everyone needs to understand the clinical diagnosis or whatever. Social differences existed long before we had fancy labels for all them. I would probably try to keep it simple and not over-explain. I would work on deflecting the pestery questions.
posted by Michele in California at 11:09 PM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm a bit like him, though not as noticeable.
One of the things that helps is when it's totally ok for me to be present, but not participating, maybe not even paying attention. Like, I bring my kindle, snuggle up to my SO's side, and read. Laptops, books, smartphones all substitute. Or I can vanish into another room for a bit, without needing to explain why or have a reason.
posted by Ashlyth at 2:34 AM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
One of the things that helps is when it's totally ok for me to be present, but not participating, maybe not even paying attention. Like, I bring my kindle, snuggle up to my SO's side, and read. Laptops, books, smartphones all substitute. Or I can vanish into another room for a bit, without needing to explain why or have a reason.
posted by Ashlyth at 2:34 AM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
People are allowed to fend off other people who grab at them without permission: just because some of your relatives love to hug everyone they see doesn't make it something other folks have to welcome or even participate in, and fending off unwelcome physical contact doesn't make your SO 'rude' --- after all, isn't that what we teach little kids? Nobody is allowed to touch you without your permission?!?
There's no need for your SO to be glued to your hip, and his not attending something doesn't (or at least SHOULDN'T) automatically mean "oh my gawd, they're breaking up!": compromise. Pick and choose the events that mean more to you, and don't require him to attend every single family get-together.
Introversion is hard for extroverts to understand, but that doesn't mean it's something that needs to be 'cured'.
posted by easily confused at 2:37 AM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
There's no need for your SO to be glued to your hip, and his not attending something doesn't (or at least SHOULDN'T) automatically mean "oh my gawd, they're breaking up!": compromise. Pick and choose the events that mean more to you, and don't require him to attend every single family get-together.
Introversion is hard for extroverts to understand, but that doesn't mean it's something that needs to be 'cured'.
posted by easily confused at 2:37 AM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Not liking to be hugged is not inherent to introversion. It's just the way he was socialized. Can we please stop trying to pathologize someone's personal preferences/background, even if it's coming from a well-intentioned place?
posted by deanc at 5:14 AM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by deanc at 5:14 AM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Just say he is a quiet person and likes to do quiet person things. Except for your wedding and the funerals of immediate family, don't require him to go to any family things. It's okay. I have a cousin who has been happily married for 30 something years. I've seen her husband twice in my life. She goes to all of the family functions alone or with her children. We all understand it, we speak kindly about him, we ask about him, and then we move on to other things. If mom can't accept it, it's her issue, not yours.
posted by myselfasme at 5:55 AM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by myselfasme at 5:55 AM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Hi, Husbunny is like this too. There's nothing wrong with it. When we first got together and he didn't know my friends, before we'd show up somewhere I'd call ahead and explain, "Husbunny has social anxiery, he's going to need an escape room, can he read in your spare bedroom?"
All of my friends were totally cool and he was able to take situations as they came. Now he's totally comfortable with my buds and he feels free enough to say, "Hey, I'm doing to dip now." And that's cool. Also, I've noticed that for the most part he's really enjoying the social aspect of our social lives and that he doesn't really need as much alone time.
Just explain to your parents that he's socially anxious and that he needs alone time.
That's it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:06 AM on August 12, 2013
All of my friends were totally cool and he was able to take situations as they came. Now he's totally comfortable with my buds and he feels free enough to say, "Hey, I'm doing to dip now." And that's cool. Also, I've noticed that for the most part he's really enjoying the social aspect of our social lives and that he doesn't really need as much alone time.
Just explain to your parents that he's socially anxious and that he needs alone time.
That's it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:06 AM on August 12, 2013
We have a similar situation in our family. What I would say: make sure you keep going to things, even without him (if you stop seeing your family, they are going to think it is his fault and that will be a bigger problem) and try to make time for him to interact with your family in smaller groups - have your parents for dinner or whatever. And then just say "big groups are stressful for him" when it comes up. If they get to know him otherwise, that will help. Especially if they see the two of you together, and see that he makes you happy. I think sometimes the family concern is really more about that than about him or themselves - how can you possibly be happy if he won't come to things that make you happy, they think. Is he trying to control her? If they can see those things aren't true, it'll get easier.
posted by dpx.mfx at 7:11 AM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by dpx.mfx at 7:11 AM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would suggest that if you decide to use any of these explanations, that you clear it with him first, so that he has a voice in what is being said about him in these situations.
posted by blurker at 10:49 AM on August 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by blurker at 10:49 AM on August 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
For instance, my son came out and was at a family event and he didn't want to take off his beanie cap to show his hair and my aunt was like, "it's cool, leave him alone." Even tho' I wanted him to show his hair.
Then he wanted to leave and I was talking to my cousin and she said, "hey, this a "FamilyName" good-bye, we drag it out a half hour at least, go wait in the car."
But yet there are other people who are shy and hang on the edges and some who leave early and we don't get offended.
So you can say "BF is shy and he hates crowds," and hope they understand. I have a relative with a reclusive longterm partner and it's pretty much understood that he won't be around a lot or he might show up or not at events or when guests come. That's his deal. Every time I've spoken to him, he's been perfectly fine, but I don't expect to see him all the time.
Just keep at it and explain BF is shy and reclusive and not a big family hugger, etc. I am sure your family is nice and they will be understanding if you explain it.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 9:06 PM on August 11, 2013 [2 favorites]