A crash course in zen
August 5, 2013 3:48 AM Subscribe
I've realised I need help in becoming patient or developing some kind of zen. I am currently coming up against a lot of irritants or external stimuli that are severely testing my ability to keep a lid on my stress levels. Last night, I couldn't sleep because I could feel my heart pounding so hard. I really need to dial it down a notch before I get sick with high blood pressure or something.
I've written questions about stress here before. I'm learning that it doesn't really matter what the stimulus is, the problem is with me and my inability to let go of control over things.
Right now, my elderly aunt is staying with me, and I am finding taking care of her really stressful on top of everything else I have to do. I just moved house, my office is in its usual state of chaos that I have no control over, and I can't even come home and relax now because I need to attend to my aunt and all her various elderly-lady foibles, such as irrational fears of keeping the windows open and taking the bus by herself. I am just coming out of a short spell of minor depression/Pure O, which hits me from time to time when things in my life are rough. That's probably why I feel so raw and stressed out. This manifests itself in being really snappy and irritable, which I later on feel really bad about and that adds to the overall stress.
I have emotional support from my friends and sibling, but no on-the-ground practical support to help deal with stuff, as I live alone (apart from the visiting aunt) and don't have a boyfriend/partner.
Lifestyle-wise, I eat well when other things in my life are under control, but times like now I either skip meals because I'm not hungry or my stomach is tied in knots, or I stress-eat like a mofo. Exercise-wise, ditto - I either do too much, or I skip it entirely because I just don't have time. My only sure-fire form of stress-relief right now is cleaning my flat, but it's so clean at the moment there isn't really much to do.
I wish I could be more calm - I really dislike this trait I have of worrying about things, trying to fix things, trying to control things. I find it an unattractive trait. I really admire calm people, and I wish I could be less emotional and more calm.
Therapy, I know, I'm waitlisted. This is on the NHS so it takes a while to get assigned to the appropriate IAPT programme. What can I do in the meantime to handle my stress levels, and my general feeling of "must-control-everything-aaargh"?
I've written questions about stress here before. I'm learning that it doesn't really matter what the stimulus is, the problem is with me and my inability to let go of control over things.
Right now, my elderly aunt is staying with me, and I am finding taking care of her really stressful on top of everything else I have to do. I just moved house, my office is in its usual state of chaos that I have no control over, and I can't even come home and relax now because I need to attend to my aunt and all her various elderly-lady foibles, such as irrational fears of keeping the windows open and taking the bus by herself. I am just coming out of a short spell of minor depression/Pure O, which hits me from time to time when things in my life are rough. That's probably why I feel so raw and stressed out. This manifests itself in being really snappy and irritable, which I later on feel really bad about and that adds to the overall stress.
I have emotional support from my friends and sibling, but no on-the-ground practical support to help deal with stuff, as I live alone (apart from the visiting aunt) and don't have a boyfriend/partner.
Lifestyle-wise, I eat well when other things in my life are under control, but times like now I either skip meals because I'm not hungry or my stomach is tied in knots, or I stress-eat like a mofo. Exercise-wise, ditto - I either do too much, or I skip it entirely because I just don't have time. My only sure-fire form of stress-relief right now is cleaning my flat, but it's so clean at the moment there isn't really much to do.
I wish I could be more calm - I really dislike this trait I have of worrying about things, trying to fix things, trying to control things. I find it an unattractive trait. I really admire calm people, and I wish I could be less emotional and more calm.
Therapy, I know, I'm waitlisted. This is on the NHS so it takes a while to get assigned to the appropriate IAPT programme. What can I do in the meantime to handle my stress levels, and my general feeling of "must-control-everything-aaargh"?
I came across this blog the other day. I've only dipped into it very briefly so far, but it looks as if it might be helpful:
http://zenhabits.net/archives/
posted by Salamander at 3:57 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
http://zenhabits.net/archives/
posted by Salamander at 3:57 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
I do a mindfulness thing on nights like that. I've downloaded one from the NHS I think - it's fairly good. That, a dark room, headphones, and I can usually unwind enough to sleep.
And then everything is much easier to deal with.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:02 AM on August 5, 2013
And then everything is much easier to deal with.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:02 AM on August 5, 2013
My "zen" comes from learning what I can reasonably control and what I can't. I can reasonably control whether and how I communicate expectations/desires to others. I can also reasonably transform self-imposed rigidity into flex points, so that I can still have the security that I will get through the day in a healthy, safe manner that comes with a sense of control without having to actually be 100% in control of everything that happens.
Are you able to communicate with your aunt about your need for uninterrupted quiet time/other needs for space and time? I tend to get very anxious when rooming with others, because in my head I've already decided that they are going to be loud, intrusive, judgmental, wasteful of utilities and food, and aaaargh. Stress.
Realizing that the assumption is in my head and I'm imputing these traits (unfairly) onto others creates an opportunity to communicate my expectations. I know with relatives it's not always easy, but I also know that they can surprise you. They've likely been there with managing anxiety and social expectations.
Is there something your aunt can do to help out around the house that would keep her occupied and contribute to your peace of mind?
Best of luck!
posted by Schielisque at 4:54 AM on August 5, 2013
Are you able to communicate with your aunt about your need for uninterrupted quiet time/other needs for space and time? I tend to get very anxious when rooming with others, because in my head I've already decided that they are going to be loud, intrusive, judgmental, wasteful of utilities and food, and aaaargh. Stress.
Realizing that the assumption is in my head and I'm imputing these traits (unfairly) onto others creates an opportunity to communicate my expectations. I know with relatives it's not always easy, but I also know that they can surprise you. They've likely been there with managing anxiety and social expectations.
Is there something your aunt can do to help out around the house that would keep her occupied and contribute to your peace of mind?
Best of luck!
posted by Schielisque at 4:54 AM on August 5, 2013
Meditation is really helpful. The best basic guide is probably still "The Relaxation Response."
Zen and real science all wrapped up in a pragmatic package.
posted by fivesavagepalms at 6:51 AM on August 5, 2013
Zen and real science all wrapped up in a pragmatic package.
posted by fivesavagepalms at 6:51 AM on August 5, 2013
Left-field suggestion:
Do you cook? This is liable to make yourself worse if you're not careful about it, but if you cook, then you get a couple benefits - you'd be eating well more often, because the more you cook the easier and faster it is to cook and it builds nicely, it's overall usually cheaper to cook if you're smart about shopping, and also cooking makes a mess, which you would then be able to clean up as stress relief. The problem I can see happening is that you could get really excited about it and get all project-y about it where you have to buy all the right equipment and books and learn everything super thoroughly and being upset if you burn the tomato sauce and so-on. But if you can get into the habit mindfully, it can be a big source of self-care.
posted by Mizu at 6:52 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do you cook? This is liable to make yourself worse if you're not careful about it, but if you cook, then you get a couple benefits - you'd be eating well more often, because the more you cook the easier and faster it is to cook and it builds nicely, it's overall usually cheaper to cook if you're smart about shopping, and also cooking makes a mess, which you would then be able to clean up as stress relief. The problem I can see happening is that you could get really excited about it and get all project-y about it where you have to buy all the right equipment and books and learn everything super thoroughly and being upset if you burn the tomato sauce and so-on. But if you can get into the habit mindfully, it can be a big source of self-care.
posted by Mizu at 6:52 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Nthing meditation, specifically mindfulness meditation. It will help you learn how to work with chaos, how to let go. You need to give yourself some room to breathe. When you are feeling overwhelmed in the immediate term, wait -- just wait! Wait until those feelings of intense irritability subside, then respond. This takes a hell of a lot of practice, learning how to observe when you're on the razor's edge of unleashing unhappy verbal gremlins, but abiding in silence until your anger has passed (or even just diminished) will drastically cut down on instances of lashing out.
Are you able to take a break to sit down and read without feeling too overwhelmed or anxious? If so, I would strongly recommend Thich Nhat Hanh's Peace is Every Step, Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance, Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche's Turning the Mind Into an Ally, and/or Pema Chödrön's When Things Fall Apart.
My life has been in a state of consistent upheaval for the past five or six years straight, and I struggle mightily with constant high-level anxiety, crushing depression, and suffocating stress, but each of these books has given me brilliant, comforting, and honest insight into what it is like to live with and inside of peace. I couldn't possibly recommend them enough. Good luck!
posted by divined by radio at 6:58 AM on August 5, 2013
Are you able to take a break to sit down and read without feeling too overwhelmed or anxious? If so, I would strongly recommend Thich Nhat Hanh's Peace is Every Step, Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance, Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche's Turning the Mind Into an Ally, and/or Pema Chödrön's When Things Fall Apart.
My life has been in a state of consistent upheaval for the past five or six years straight, and I struggle mightily with constant high-level anxiety, crushing depression, and suffocating stress, but each of these books has given me brilliant, comforting, and honest insight into what it is like to live with and inside of peace. I couldn't possibly recommend them enough. Good luck!
posted by divined by radio at 6:58 AM on August 5, 2013
Go pick up a video on beginner Tai Chi from the library. A while back I was so stressed that I was getting chest pains and I started doing these exercises and it worked out well. The real trick is to coordinate your breathing with the movements.
posted by any major dude at 7:12 AM on August 5, 2013
posted by any major dude at 7:12 AM on August 5, 2013
Listen to Tara Brach or Pascal Auclair's podcasts on dharmaseed.org. They have a bunch of guided meditations and you will get the hang of it listening to them.
Tara is a teacher at the Insight Meditation Center in DC and Pascal teaches at Spirit Rock in CA.
posted by mermily at 8:09 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Tara is a teacher at the Insight Meditation Center in DC and Pascal teaches at Spirit Rock in CA.
posted by mermily at 8:09 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Deep breathing! It's what I do when I feel stressed, overhelmed, whatever, and it doesn't even feel like meditation.
It's so easy! Next time you feel yourself getting stressed, you just start to focus on your breath. Take in a deep, long breath and really concentrate on how it feels. Feel it in your nose, your throat, your lungs, and coming back out. When you (inevitably!) think of something else, put your mind back on your breath.
You don't need to sit down and formally meditate for it to work for you. I use this method all the time for a quick calming effect.
posted by fireandthud at 8:39 AM on August 5, 2013
It's so easy! Next time you feel yourself getting stressed, you just start to focus on your breath. Take in a deep, long breath and really concentrate on how it feels. Feel it in your nose, your throat, your lungs, and coming back out. When you (inevitably!) think of something else, put your mind back on your breath.
You don't need to sit down and formally meditate for it to work for you. I use this method all the time for a quick calming effect.
posted by fireandthud at 8:39 AM on August 5, 2013
This is a book by Oxford professor Mark Williams and colleagues on learning mindfulness from a clinical perspective. The examples are no-nonsense and it doesn't ask for a huge time commitment, either. They make the guided audio meditations available for free if you want to give them a listen.
The guys from Oxford work with Jon Kabat-Zinn, whose book has a slightly different approach. It gets very positive press but I couldn't stand his voice! I found the slightly upper-class Brit who does the Mindfulness one a bit easier to get on with. It's my favourite out of the courses I've tried.
posted by danteGideon at 8:44 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
The guys from Oxford work with Jon Kabat-Zinn, whose book has a slightly different approach. It gets very positive press but I couldn't stand his voice! I found the slightly upper-class Brit who does the Mindfulness one a bit easier to get on with. It's my favourite out of the courses I've tried.
posted by danteGideon at 8:44 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
1. Feel the feeling without attributing thoughts to it. "Oh wow my heart is pounding a lot right now. There is heat in my chest and my muscles are tight."
2. To be truly Buddhist about it, the source of all your discomfort is your own mind. No, it's not "all your fault" but your mind projects it's own beliefs about a situation. When you truly deeply believe this, you will feel that your pain comes from you, and not the situation.
3. Zen is not ignoring feelings or thinking happy thoughts. It is accepting your pain for what it is, without fighting or resisting the feeling.
4. When I am angry, I remember the truth about anger: "we become angry when our wishes are thwarted or when we are framed in an unflattering light. The cause of anger is our own mind. Anger is a poison that does not solve the true problem, it only perpetuates pain for myself and others. "
5. We need others in order to develop compassion. When people test out patience it is a gift showing us where our minds still have limitations. Others are essential for our spiritual growth.
I used to teach Buddhism (Mahayana) and meditation. Happy to help where I can, we're all in this together.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:59 AM on August 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
2. To be truly Buddhist about it, the source of all your discomfort is your own mind. No, it's not "all your fault" but your mind projects it's own beliefs about a situation. When you truly deeply believe this, you will feel that your pain comes from you, and not the situation.
3. Zen is not ignoring feelings or thinking happy thoughts. It is accepting your pain for what it is, without fighting or resisting the feeling.
4. When I am angry, I remember the truth about anger: "we become angry when our wishes are thwarted or when we are framed in an unflattering light. The cause of anger is our own mind. Anger is a poison that does not solve the true problem, it only perpetuates pain for myself and others. "
5. We need others in order to develop compassion. When people test out patience it is a gift showing us where our minds still have limitations. Others are essential for our spiritual growth.
I used to teach Buddhism (Mahayana) and meditation. Happy to help where I can, we're all in this together.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:59 AM on August 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
download Tara Brach's podcasts or Jonathan Fousts podcasts and go on long walks while listening to them. They're on itunes. good luck.
posted by dmbfan93 at 11:22 AM on August 5, 2013
posted by dmbfan93 at 11:22 AM on August 5, 2013
Nth-ing Pema Chodron's books. I find Kabat-Zinn hard to read, but like this guided meditation of his.
When I'm too stressed/angry/worried to read or do meditation I love these tracks. I lie down, put 8 Breaths Per Minute on repeat and follow for as long as it takes. Try out the different speeds to find the most comfortable for you.
posted by abecedarium radiolarium at 11:23 AM on August 5, 2013
When I'm too stressed/angry/worried to read or do meditation I love these tracks. I lie down, put 8 Breaths Per Minute on repeat and follow for as long as it takes. Try out the different speeds to find the most comfortable for you.
posted by abecedarium radiolarium at 11:23 AM on August 5, 2013
Have you tried finding a meditation center nearby? Google around. Shambhala provides a nice introduction for free, as will most Zen centers. A regular group will help keep you invested and remind you of the benefits.
In the meantime, consider picking up Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, a classic. It's written in simple, down-to-earth language and provides the basics.
The big point: there's no right way. Check out different solutions and don't put any pressure on yourself. Change doesn't happen right away and there's no big revelation. Personally, I just gradually started to get some distance on my thoughts, which allowed me to act on them more directly and clearly. Good luck!
posted by vecchio at 5:23 PM on August 11, 2013
In the meantime, consider picking up Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, a classic. It's written in simple, down-to-earth language and provides the basics.
The big point: there's no right way. Check out different solutions and don't put any pressure on yourself. Change doesn't happen right away and there's no big revelation. Personally, I just gradually started to get some distance on my thoughts, which allowed me to act on them more directly and clearly. Good luck!
posted by vecchio at 5:23 PM on August 11, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks, guys, I've signed up for Take10, and I'm 5 days in; honestly, I haven't noticed any difference to my stress levels, but it's only been 5 days to try and counteract the habits of a lifetime, so I'm going to stick with it. Thank you very much for all the helpful answers!
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:30 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:30 AM on August 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
If I recall correctly, you can simply repeat the Take10 series when you finish, which you might find useful. It's not an overnight fix.
The best way I can describe it was my anxiety was on a TV screen in my head. Before learning to meditate, I'd be stood right up close to the screen so it was all I could see. Afterwards, the screen was still displaying the anxiety but it was much further away and off to one side. Much easier to ignore or even challenge. CBT helped with that.
posted by Solomon at 5:41 AM on August 13, 2013
The best way I can describe it was my anxiety was on a TV screen in my head. Before learning to meditate, I'd be stood right up close to the screen so it was all I could see. Afterwards, the screen was still displaying the anxiety but it was much further away and off to one side. Much easier to ignore or even challenge. CBT helped with that.
posted by Solomon at 5:41 AM on August 13, 2013
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I found that taking a few minutes every day to just chill made a real difference, longer term, to how I handled stressful situations. Now, I'm much more relaxed generally, so things don't seem so big to begin with.
What kind of therapy are you looking into? Personally, I find that talking about whatever negative stuff is going on in my life just makes me feel worse about it, because I'm focusing on it more. CBT was more helpful for me, because it showed me how to think in a different fashion. YMMV.
posted by Solomon at 3:57 AM on August 5, 2013 [5 favorites]