Every unhappy family .. how do I resolve my aversion to conflict?
July 24, 2013 4:20 PM Subscribe
I am the eldest child, have always been seen and portrayed by my family as attention-seeking, self-centred, a worrier, over-sensitive, over-serious etc. I thought I had got over this. However, the other night I had a discussion with my partner where he told me he feels hurt that I don't defend him or even believe him when he feels attacked/misunderstood by my family (My sister can be snooty and dismissive and self-absorbed like every-other 20something and my dad has zero social skills, and they have sometimes said things to him that I cringe at but I think he is being slightly paranoid - to complicate things, he also suffers from depression). This has made me realise that I try to avoid conflict with my family at all costs.
I have a history of anxiety disorders and have had a lot of different types of therapy. I've been on Citalopram on and off for years. CBT doesn't do much for me; CAT is brilliant but not available on NHS and I can't afford it. In the past I have explored a lot of issues from my childhood and my role in my family, but the main focus was always on my obsessive thinking and hypochondria, so have never had it as main area to work on. I feel like I'm pretty much 'fixed' but every so often something like this comes up that shows I'm not.
Can anyone recommend any self-help resources for me to work with on this?
How can I assert myself without behaving like the me I know they don't like/resent?
And how do I work through the inner-conflict caused by having one of the people I love most in the world criticizing the other people I love most in the world?
I have a history of anxiety disorders and have had a lot of different types of therapy. I've been on Citalopram on and off for years. CBT doesn't do much for me; CAT is brilliant but not available on NHS and I can't afford it. In the past I have explored a lot of issues from my childhood and my role in my family, but the main focus was always on my obsessive thinking and hypochondria, so have never had it as main area to work on. I feel like I'm pretty much 'fixed' but every so often something like this comes up that shows I'm not.
Can anyone recommend any self-help resources for me to work with on this?
How can I assert myself without behaving like the me I know they don't like/resent?
And how do I work through the inner-conflict caused by having one of the people I love most in the world criticizing the other people I love most in the world?
my partner where he told me he feels hurt that I don't defend him or even believe him when he feels attacked/misunderstood by my family [...] This has made me realise that I try to avoid conflict with my family at all costs.
What strikes me more than that (though not, obviously, to dismiss your insight about conflict avoidance) is that what your partner is indicating that he feels you do to him... well, it's actually fairly close to what I imagine you feel your family has done to you. That is, he's essentially saying that he feels you dismiss his feelings and experiences, and your description of your family is of essentially having had your own feelings and experiences dismissed.
I don't say this to criticize you, but rather to see if it might give you some insight into empathizing with him, while also learning how you might (unconsciously) have internalized and are now replicating certain family dynamics that you had assumed you were over.
posted by scody at 4:49 PM on July 24, 2013 [5 favorites]
What strikes me more than that (though not, obviously, to dismiss your insight about conflict avoidance) is that what your partner is indicating that he feels you do to him... well, it's actually fairly close to what I imagine you feel your family has done to you. That is, he's essentially saying that he feels you dismiss his feelings and experiences, and your description of your family is of essentially having had your own feelings and experiences dismissed.
I don't say this to criticize you, but rather to see if it might give you some insight into empathizing with him, while also learning how you might (unconsciously) have internalized and are now replicating certain family dynamics that you had assumed you were over.
posted by scody at 4:49 PM on July 24, 2013 [5 favorites]
More practically, there may not be a good way (that you know of) to defend someone (yourself or your partner) who is under attack from your family.
Your partner basically wants you to do something that is absolutely reasonable and is your duty in social situations with your family, but which, if you don't do it, you end up being more like them, in his eyes, and maybe despite being "paranoid" he's got a point.
I mean it's probably true, they're horrible and you can't stop them.
So about just not bringing him around to see people who attack him all the time?
How about extending yourself the same courtesy as much as is reasonably practicable? If your family is horrible then why should they get the pleasure of your company?
Plus, we're strongly influenced by those we associate with so it'd be healthier for you to stay out of the no-win situations your family puts you in.
posted by tel3path at 5:04 PM on July 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Your partner basically wants you to do something that is absolutely reasonable and is your duty in social situations with your family, but which, if you don't do it, you end up being more like them, in his eyes, and maybe despite being "paranoid" he's got a point.
I mean it's probably true, they're horrible and you can't stop them.
So about just not bringing him around to see people who attack him all the time?
How about extending yourself the same courtesy as much as is reasonably practicable? If your family is horrible then why should they get the pleasure of your company?
Plus, we're strongly influenced by those we associate with so it'd be healthier for you to stay out of the no-win situations your family puts you in.
posted by tel3path at 5:04 PM on July 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
You know, based on what I read here from you, I'm picking up that your family is good at attacking/misunderstanding you AND your husband. So -- that means the problem is with them, not with either of you. I see no need to validate their claims about you by trying to be someone you aren't. And I don't see any reason for your husband to give weight to their negativity either.
It seems that what is missing here is the ability to tell your family there are styles of communication -- including being critical and dismissive -- that simply aren't acceptable for you or your husband. If they can't or won't adjust to that, I'd suggest making the choice to cut back or suspend the contact.
posted by bearwife at 5:05 PM on July 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
It seems that what is missing here is the ability to tell your family there are styles of communication -- including being critical and dismissive -- that simply aren't acceptable for you or your husband. If they can't or won't adjust to that, I'd suggest making the choice to cut back or suspend the contact.
posted by bearwife at 5:05 PM on July 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
Family / Partner tension is difficult to manage even without all the additional complications you described.
It sounds to me like you are torn between your family (= safety) and your partnership with your beloved. Who to believe? How to be?
I'm going to hazard a guess - your family starts in on your beloved, and you feel paralyzed or check out or go into some kind of anxious state. The animal part of you wants to side with the "stronger" people and you can't bring yourself to side with your partner. Because he's only one (and they are two), it would appear that he is the weaker person in this instance since he is not on the attack. If you side with a weakling, they will start on you next! This would be terrorizing. You would rather step away from the "weak" one in order to ensure your (illusion of) safety with your family.
Am I on the mark or just rambling? If you grew up derided for, oh, everything you felt, then this reaction would make sense.
Anyways so your beloved is saying he doesn't feel like you really hear him. So really listen. Try on his reality for a while. See it through his eyes, just to experience it.
Now how to stop your own discomfort? If CBT isn't working for you, all I could suggest is to sit and think deeply about it. By yourself. Think about what YOU believe, knowing your family and your partner as intimately as you do. Decide on what reality you ascribe to - is he oversensitive, or are they being vicious? You need to know your own voice.
How can I assert myself without behaving like the me I know they don't like/resent?
Plan some easy ways to act in accordance with your beliefs. This is easier to do outside of direct conflict - call them up and ask them to tone it down with Beloved? Tell Beloved "yeah I'm so sorry they're hurting you, they play rough, here's how to handle it"?
Or say something direct and in-the-moment like "guys, can't you see this is bothering him?"
Anyway loving kind but firm is the best way to handle conflict with minimal chance of triggering egos. The idea is not to be offensive or defensive, but aligned with higher energy behaviours like justice and mercy and dignity. Equality. Love. Make those things your goal (rather than Family vs. Beloved) and things could work out.
And how do I work through the inner-conflict caused by having one of the people I love most in the world criticizing the other people I love most in the world?
It's ok if they reject your opinions for a time, right? I mean it's ok if they disagree with you and express it, right? People do that all the time. Be kind and loving to them, and then say your POV as decided above. Some tension may occur, but it will go away eventually. Then carry on as normal, like a storm cloud passed. Maybe the inner conflict you feel is resistance? You're resisting the natural agreement/disagreement that happens when people get together. You won't always agree with your family. They may be immature and petty and withdraw love if you disagree with them. But the withdrawal will end and then it will be ok. They do love you, underneath their crusty exterior.
My cats fight like this. Growl, territory, wrestle, meow... 5 minutes later they're grooming each other and sleeping side by side.
And to anyone who says CBT isn't working, I always recommend this book which outlines patterns in the ego and how dysfunction gets locked in the mind.
You might want to also google about "shame based families" since this could be your family. One characteristic of these families is that they try to destroy (perceived) weakness in others, and scapegoat the sensitive ones.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:33 PM on July 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
It sounds to me like you are torn between your family (= safety) and your partnership with your beloved. Who to believe? How to be?
I'm going to hazard a guess - your family starts in on your beloved, and you feel paralyzed or check out or go into some kind of anxious state. The animal part of you wants to side with the "stronger" people and you can't bring yourself to side with your partner. Because he's only one (and they are two), it would appear that he is the weaker person in this instance since he is not on the attack. If you side with a weakling, they will start on you next! This would be terrorizing. You would rather step away from the "weak" one in order to ensure your (illusion of) safety with your family.
Am I on the mark or just rambling? If you grew up derided for, oh, everything you felt, then this reaction would make sense.
Anyways so your beloved is saying he doesn't feel like you really hear him. So really listen. Try on his reality for a while. See it through his eyes, just to experience it.
Now how to stop your own discomfort? If CBT isn't working for you, all I could suggest is to sit and think deeply about it. By yourself. Think about what YOU believe, knowing your family and your partner as intimately as you do. Decide on what reality you ascribe to - is he oversensitive, or are they being vicious? You need to know your own voice.
How can I assert myself without behaving like the me I know they don't like/resent?
Plan some easy ways to act in accordance with your beliefs. This is easier to do outside of direct conflict - call them up and ask them to tone it down with Beloved? Tell Beloved "yeah I'm so sorry they're hurting you, they play rough, here's how to handle it"?
Or say something direct and in-the-moment like "guys, can't you see this is bothering him?"
Anyway loving kind but firm is the best way to handle conflict with minimal chance of triggering egos. The idea is not to be offensive or defensive, but aligned with higher energy behaviours like justice and mercy and dignity. Equality. Love. Make those things your goal (rather than Family vs. Beloved) and things could work out.
And how do I work through the inner-conflict caused by having one of the people I love most in the world criticizing the other people I love most in the world?
It's ok if they reject your opinions for a time, right? I mean it's ok if they disagree with you and express it, right? People do that all the time. Be kind and loving to them, and then say your POV as decided above. Some tension may occur, but it will go away eventually. Then carry on as normal, like a storm cloud passed. Maybe the inner conflict you feel is resistance? You're resisting the natural agreement/disagreement that happens when people get together. You won't always agree with your family. They may be immature and petty and withdraw love if you disagree with them. But the withdrawal will end and then it will be ok. They do love you, underneath their crusty exterior.
My cats fight like this. Growl, territory, wrestle, meow... 5 minutes later they're grooming each other and sleeping side by side.
And to anyone who says CBT isn't working, I always recommend this book which outlines patterns in the ego and how dysfunction gets locked in the mind.
You might want to also google about "shame based families" since this could be your family. One characteristic of these families is that they try to destroy (perceived) weakness in others, and scapegoat the sensitive ones.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:33 PM on July 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
And how do I work through the inner-conflict caused by having one of the people I love most in the world criticizing the other people I love most in the world?
By attacking your partner you family is essentially asking you to rank who you love more: them or your partner. So far it sounds like you have always chosen them, which understandably upsets your partner but also never satisfies your family. He sounds very patient if this is true because this is not healthy behaviour. It is not productive for you to be so concerned about your family's feelings (and prioritise their feelings) to the detriment of your own feelings and the feelings of your partner
You have to make a choice. And then commit to that choice, every time you interact with your family. This is hard work, but the only way to break this lomg-standing negative pattern is through hard work that may take as many years to break as it did to set up. Your sister's age and your father's lack of social skills are not excuses for how they treat your partner. There is a cognitive dissonance going on in your question where you acknowledge they are not nice to him but then dismiss his valid concerns (and the behaviour you have witnessed) as "paranoid" and due to his depression. This is crazy-making behavior and is probably contributing to his depression and paranoia.
You would probably benefit from counselling that includes extensive role-playing/scripts; both of you should probably be in couple's counselling to improve your communication. The unhealthy enmeshed patterns with your family you are concerned about cannot be undone with just self-help books in my opinion, but books on controlling and toxic parents would probably give you something to work with in between therapy appointments.
posted by saucysault at 8:45 PM on July 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
By attacking your partner you family is essentially asking you to rank who you love more: them or your partner. So far it sounds like you have always chosen them, which understandably upsets your partner but also never satisfies your family. He sounds very patient if this is true because this is not healthy behaviour. It is not productive for you to be so concerned about your family's feelings (and prioritise their feelings) to the detriment of your own feelings and the feelings of your partner
You have to make a choice. And then commit to that choice, every time you interact with your family. This is hard work, but the only way to break this lomg-standing negative pattern is through hard work that may take as many years to break as it did to set up. Your sister's age and your father's lack of social skills are not excuses for how they treat your partner. There is a cognitive dissonance going on in your question where you acknowledge they are not nice to him but then dismiss his valid concerns (and the behaviour you have witnessed) as "paranoid" and due to his depression. This is crazy-making behavior and is probably contributing to his depression and paranoia.
You would probably benefit from counselling that includes extensive role-playing/scripts; both of you should probably be in couple's counselling to improve your communication. The unhealthy enmeshed patterns with your family you are concerned about cannot be undone with just self-help books in my opinion, but books on controlling and toxic parents would probably give you something to work with in between therapy appointments.
posted by saucysault at 8:45 PM on July 24, 2013 [4 favorites]
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And how do I work through the inner-conflict caused by having one of the people I love most in the world criticizing the other people I love most in the world?
I realize that this is an Anon, so I can't really ask for clarification, but are you saying that you want to be a different person than who you are to please your parents (when they're around)? Also, are you saying that you want to mentally get over an action that was taken against your partner (aka: they were mean to him/her)?
If this is the case, I would like to propose a self-help though process. Think about your family:
1) Do you like them? (Not "do you love them?" but do you like them as people. As in, if they weren’t your family.)
2) Do you respect them?
Here is the deal, I don't know you or your family, however, if your family is making you feel the need to adopt a different personality when they are around and are being mean to your partner, it may be best for you to consider reducing your level of engagement with them until you can get your personal issues completely worked out.
I say this because it seems like your family may be fanning the flames of your past. If you don't honestly like and respect them, then continuing to let them make your past issues resurface is probably not the way to go about working on yourself.
posted by Shouraku at 4:47 PM on July 24, 2013 [4 favorites]