How can I tell waitstaff to leave me alone (without leaving me alone)?

July 15, 2013 4:45 PM

I don't have anything against chatty waiters. I'd just like to know a nice, polite signal I can give to indicate that I'm not up for small talk during my meal.
posted by heatherfl to Human Relations (25 answers total)

Just shrug, don't make eye contact, etc. If they have nothing to feed off of, they'll move along.

I also like to read or play with my phone/other electronics if I don't want to be bothered.
posted by Sara C. at 4:47 PM on July 15, 2013 [3 favorites]

I think you can smile and make eye contact, but say as little as possible.
posted by KokuRyu at 4:50 PM on July 15, 2013

Response by poster: Oh, this generally seems to come up with waitstaff who cannot read body language. Or they press onward trying to break the ice, or something.
posted by heatherfl at 4:51 PM on July 15, 2013

I generally go with a polite dismissal, along the lines of, "Thank you so much - I'll let you know if I need anything else" and then I stop engaging - I'll look at the menu, or my phone, or talk to my companion.

Said politely and with a smile, I've never had anyone get upset.
posted by dotgirl at 4:52 PM on July 15, 2013 [33 favorites]

My roommate is a server, and he suggested reading material or being lost in your phone. He said he's always respectful of people who are otherwise occupied. (But he also said a good server will sense when to engage and when to back off.)
posted by MoxieProxy at 4:54 PM on July 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

Let them have the last word.

These exchanges are often kept going by polite, it-feels-obligatory feedback, even something as passive as "Haha, yeah." Sometimes people have trouble reading politeness signals, but it's a much smaller set of people who are so oblivious that they'll plow onward if you're making them monologue.
posted by cribcage at 5:00 PM on July 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

Oh, this generally seems to come up with waitstaff who cannot read body language. Or they press onward trying to break the ice, or something.

Just stare at them? It seems like it should be a fairly isolated problem. Or is it?
posted by KokuRyu at 5:01 PM on July 15, 2013

Stop sitting at the bar?
posted by oceanjesse at 5:08 PM on July 15, 2013 [3 favorites]

If they don't respond to polite body language cues it's okay to be (and you have no choice but to be) kindly blunt. You're paying most of their salary directly therefore they work for you. "Thanks but I'd just like to enjoy my meal please" is fine.
posted by bleep at 5:09 PM on July 15, 2013

I think being polite but direct should be fine. "Thanks for your help! I'm going enjoy my meal now, but I'll let you know if I need anything."
posted by xingcat at 5:28 PM on July 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

If you're eating alone, they might be thinking that they are helping you to not be bored or lonely. So here's one idea that occurs to me.

Chatty waiter: "Hi, I'm Mike and I'll be your waiter today! How ya doin'?"

You: "Great, it's such a treat for me to get some uninterrupted alone time to myself, I've been looking forward to a quiet dinner with my new book all day." Smile

It might feel weird to give that much detail up front to someone and spit out such a long sentence, but I think it would be completely polite and hard to take personally, and should stop the chatting before it starts.
posted by cairdeas at 5:29 PM on July 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

Eat in busier restaurants.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:38 PM on July 15, 2013

I try to be nice, but sometimes the clueless ones get cheerful sarcasm. "Would I like another drink? I'm not sure yet, let me finish this one first." or "Can you check back in a few minutes?"

Dense people don't 'get' meanness. At best, they just decide you are a jerk. So the only way out is to explain what you want very clearly and friendly like.

Oh, this generally seems to come up with waitstaff who cannot read body language. Or they press onward trying to break the ice, or something.

Just stare at them? It seems like it should be a fairly isolated problem. Or is it?

In my experience, no, it isn't very rare at all. Part of it is because of the conventional wisdom on how to improve tips is mainly about pestering the customer. I suppose there must be a subset of the population that just loves that behavior to shit, but I haven't met very many.
posted by gjc at 5:40 PM on July 15, 2013

Staring at a server isn't going to get them to leave you alone. Making eye contact with a server is understood to mean "come here, I need something."
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:43 PM on July 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Just say "I'm not interested in conversation right now, thanks"

Add something like "Just keep my water glass full and I'll be happy" or "Please check back with me later to see if I want dessert" as appropriate.

If you are getting into these conversations after the "I'll be your server and how are you today" thing, just stop treating that as a general inquiry and pretend they actually asked what you would like them to do.
posted by yohko at 6:02 PM on July 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

There's service, and then there's service intrusion. Unfortunately, the only way to get the upper hand here is to take the lead from the get-go. (I do this only if I'm hosting, or dining alone):

Waiter: Hi! Have you eaten here before? (Prelude to a tedious walk through the menu.)

Me: Hi! We'd like some time to look over the menu, and we'll let you know if we have any questions. In the meantime, could you please take our drink orders? And bring the wine list? And tap water will be just fine.

Waiter: Well... um... sure, but would you like to hear about our specialties?

Me: Are they off the menu?

Waiter: Well, the scallops are very popular...

Me: [Interupting] Yes, we see those. I'll tell you what, let's cover your recommendations when you return with our cocktails.

This isn't foolproof, because sometimes they need to tell you that, for example, the chocolate soufflé dessert needs to be pre-ordered or whatever. But at least at that point they've got the drift, or should.

True confessions, one thing I hate but have never figured out how to stop diplomatically is the waiter's description of the dish just presented, usually straight from the menu. "Roasted guinea fowl with fava beans, morels and an intense white wine reduction." Yeah, I know, THAT'S WHY I ORDERED IT.

All of this needs to be approached as a game. You're out to have a good time. There's zero payback for being an asshole about it. If you win, great. If you lose, accept the waiter's intrusiveness magnanimously.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 6:11 PM on July 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'll just have the xxx, the yyy, and the zzz. Oh also, a side of quiet so I can finish some things up while I dine. Thanks." And look through your stuff.

Personally I would find this both annoyingly fake-cute and quite rude. I'd far prefer being told (with a smile) "I'm just going to sit and have some quiet time, and I'll let you know if I need anything, okay?", or some version of a friendly direct request, rather than the implication that the server has done something wrong by being too friendly.
posted by Edna Million at 6:18 PM on July 15, 2013 [21 favorites]

Response by poster: I'm generally out on dates when this happens, trying to have a private conversation. It's definitely angling for a better tip. The last time, I spent five minutes reassuring my server that she did in fact bring me the drink I'd asked for, really, and explaining all of my reasons for ordering it when she asked. The time before that, I think, was a general ramble about summer movies which the server had with himself while boxing up our meal, while we waited uncomfortably.
posted by heatherfl at 6:21 PM on July 15, 2013

Yeah, if you're there with just one other person, just don't engage on that stuff.

WAITRESS: ... and here's the malbec. That's what you ordered, right?

HEATHERFL: Thanks!

WAITRESS: That's what you ordered, the malbec? I'm pretty sure you said malbec. Just let me know if you maybe said merlot or something, OK?

Heatherfl nods to the waitress and gives a reassuring smile.

HEATHERFL: [to dining companion] Did you see that thing on Buzzfeed today about all those things that happened 20 years ago and now we're supposed to feel all old now?

HEATHERFL'S DATE: Yeah, man, that Clarissa sure did explain it all, didn't she?

Waitress realizes she has other tables to attend to. Heatherfl and her Date proceed to have a wonderful evening reminiscing about obscure cable television series of the 90s.
posted by Sara C. at 6:37 PM on July 15, 2013 [3 favorites]

To be fair, in a lot of places waitstaff have intense pressure placed on them to be like this by management. When I was a server, I did. Telling you the specials wasn't to get a better tip- we know it's annoying. If we don't do it, we get in trouble. We're selling the special because it has a high profit margin and makes the restaurant money (or keeps them from losing it if they have a lot of something that's about to go bad). When people would be rude to me when I told them the specials or checked to see if they needed another drink for the third time, it only intensified my discomfort at having to do these things- but I was still expected to do them.

The thing is, if you seem annoyed or demanding, that makes you seem high maintenance, which means you're more likely to complain if you hate the service, which makes the waitstaff try harder to please you. (Example: what Short Attention Sp said above- this would definitely put me on edge and make me feel like I had to work harder to please you.)

I'm no longer a waitress (thank God) but the tack I've developed to deal with this works wonderfully. I'm just totally gracious and appreciative towards the waitstaff- understanding, even, if they perceive it that way. When they are recite specials to me, I make eye contact, smile and thank them. I say please and 'thank you very much, i appreciate it,' and make eye contact and smile when they take my order and bring my drink. Then, after everything arrives, the magic words: Do you need anything else? So I say no, everything is great, thank you so much. And from then on, every time they stop back I just say I'm fine, thanks so much and then they go on their way. Two seconds. Because you know what makes a server terrible? NOT checking on tables regularly. True, good ones will just do the cruise-by looking for eye contact. But there's a fair chance a manager is watching them to make sure they actually stop and talk to you every now and then. Be gracious knowing that they are doing their job. Make eye contact, smile, thank them, say you're fine and then look back to your book/ partner/ whatever. That's that. Making eye contact initiates your interaction, and looking away signals its end. Furthermore, once they see you're nice and LOW maintenance, they'll feel more comfortable leaving you alone for longer periods of time. You can be gracious and kind without having an actual conversation.

Also useful: Ask for your check right off the bat, pay it with the tip, and actually hand it to them. Since they're no longer working for the tip, they'll leave you alone. This may be the signal you're looking for- most servers will understand it that way.

But I really feel the most annoying ones are probably new at their job and nervous and being watched by a manager. Antagonizing them in some way will probably just backfire because they will feel the need to try harder to please you.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 8:14 PM on July 15, 2013 [31 favorites]

If it's a place that you can make reservations, you can definitely let them know when you make the reservation that you'd prefer a quiet table and that it's a special date. At my workplace, we take notes on anything a guest informs us of, and we pass them along to the hostess and waitstaff (table preference, dietary restrictions, special occasions, etc - even, if they've dined before, which servers or sections they do and don't like). We're in the hospitality business, and we want to give you what you want. This helps avoid you needing to directly tell the server "please leave us alone" but helps ensure that your needs will be met!
posted by girlalex at 9:26 PM on July 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh also, a side of quiet

That's super rude. Just tell the server what you want without any snark. Say "That's all, thanks. I have a lot on my mind right now and want to be alone."
posted by ryanrs at 11:56 PM on July 15, 2013 [6 favorites]

Yeah, I find that a simple "I don't really feel like chatting right now, thanks" is the most effective and polite way to deal with this.
posted by windykites at 6:16 AM on July 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

I used to wait tables and I gotta say--if you REALLY need quiet and privacy, there is a place for that, and it's NOT a restaurant. I couldn't stand when I waited tables and people would come in for weekend brunch (when there is ALWAYS a wait) and then say, "We're in a hurry". Same thing for you, I'm afraid. Restaurants are public places and the assumption by waitstaff is that you have come out in public to interact with people. And seconding what others have said--the management is often urging waitstaff to push specials, visit tables often, and be personable. I don't think there's a good way to say, "Please leave us alone" to a waiter.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 7:43 AM on July 16, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wear headphones
posted by tiburon at 5:12 PM on July 20, 2013