Is space in a relationship important? What is space?
July 14, 2013 6:53 PM Subscribe
So I just met a new guy 1 month ago and we spend a lot of our free time together. He has a traveling job so I can only see him in the weekends. However, for the past month he saw me 100 percent in the weekends to the point that I think I frustrated him. He doesn't really say it but whn we fought he said that with his job schedule he feels super stressed to date and that dating is difficult. I must be demanding and that is why I make him feel it is never enough. Now that we worked through the problem I wanna ask you how to properly give him space so that he still feels love and important but not smothering him? I feel extremely insecure and codependent and I have to force me to give him space. I feel that if we don't spend every weekend together it is like we broke up. Please help me to make this relationship work.
Different people have different needs for space. But think of it this way: When someone's at home, there are a lot of things you want to or need to do. Watch some TV. Play some video games. Go shopping and run errands. See your friends.
You get 5 evenings plus two weekend days to do these things. He just gets two weekend days. So when you're thinking how bored you are and how nice it will be to see him, sometimes he's just thinking how nice it will be to get back in the door and collapse on the sofa.
A few suggestions:
1. See each other every weekend, but not all weekend. Plan to go out together for ice cream on Saturday, or even to spend Saturday together, but then not to see each other on Sunday.
2. Try to have some contact during the week while he's traveling, so that your contact isn't just limited to his at-home time.
posted by Lady Li at 7:02 PM on July 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
You get 5 evenings plus two weekend days to do these things. He just gets two weekend days. So when you're thinking how bored you are and how nice it will be to see him, sometimes he's just thinking how nice it will be to get back in the door and collapse on the sofa.
A few suggestions:
1. See each other every weekend, but not all weekend. Plan to go out together for ice cream on Saturday, or even to spend Saturday together, but then not to see each other on Sunday.
2. Try to have some contact during the week while he's traveling, so that your contact isn't just limited to his at-home time.
posted by Lady Li at 7:02 PM on July 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: I feel he did not fully adress the space problem in the beggining. E never told me he needed space. Then we got into an exhaustion situation that was created because I was not aware he needs some space. He got to the point that one day he wanted to break up with me and us jut being friends because he felt thy dating is very hard until he finds another job with better work life balance. I asked him for a second chance to show him we can balance this out and make it work.
Should I just give him more nights for himself when he is by himself and just watches tv?
This whole friends situation I feel came about because I was smothering him.
Now he loves me a lot and we seem happy but it is critical to give him his space. Any ideas of how to physically do that?
posted by barexamfreak at 7:11 PM on July 14, 2013
Should I just give him more nights for himself when he is by himself and just watches tv?
This whole friends situation I feel came about because I was smothering him.
Now he loves me a lot and we seem happy but it is critical to give him his space. Any ideas of how to physically do that?
posted by barexamfreak at 7:11 PM on July 14, 2013
"I feel that if we don't spend every weekend together it is like we broke up."
Why? Can you look at this idea you have?
It's also possible you feel this way because, without you doing a great deal of work to keep this going, it's over.
I'm not there, I don't know.
But I would suggest looking at this parameter you created.
Good luck.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:21 PM on July 14, 2013
Why? Can you look at this idea you have?
It's also possible you feel this way because, without you doing a great deal of work to keep this going, it's over.
I'm not there, I don't know.
But I would suggest looking at this parameter you created.
Good luck.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:21 PM on July 14, 2013
I think you just should break up him.
From your description, he has crappy communication skills. He decided to break up with you instead just a having a conversation that he needed more space? That's ridiculous. What happens the next time a problem comes up - he breaks up with you again?
Also, why is the pressure on you to come up with ideas to give him is space. He is the one that needs space so he should (be helping you) come up with ideas to make this work. You guys should be working on this together.
Lastly, you don't sound like someone who would be happy in a relationship where you only spend two weekends a month together. Find a guy who wants to and can spend all his time with you.
posted by nooneyouknow at 7:29 PM on July 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
From your description, he has crappy communication skills. He decided to break up with you instead just a having a conversation that he needed more space? That's ridiculous. What happens the next time a problem comes up - he breaks up with you again?
Also, why is the pressure on you to come up with ideas to give him is space. He is the one that needs space so he should (be helping you) come up with ideas to make this work. You guys should be working on this together.
Lastly, you don't sound like someone who would be happy in a relationship where you only spend two weekends a month together. Find a guy who wants to and can spend all his time with you.
posted by nooneyouknow at 7:29 PM on July 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
Look, let me tell you that you should not be falling over yourself to be "cool," "low maintenance" or "not a psycho." I don't know where this whole "bitches be crazy" trope originally came from, but it is not up to you to have to dispel it. If you want to spend time together, that is absolutely ok (provided you aren't following him into the bathroom). If he is suddenly telling you, without prior notification, that he needs space, you have the prerogative to say, "I need more time/attention/focus from you." If he can't provide it, then you have the right to break up with him.
This does *not* make you codependent or insecure or needy or crazy.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:33 PM on July 14, 2013 [24 favorites]
This does *not* make you codependent or insecure or needy or crazy.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:33 PM on July 14, 2013 [24 favorites]
From your description, he has crappy communication skills. He decided to break up with you instead just a having a conversation that he needed more space? That's ridiculous. What happens the next time a problem comes up - he breaks up with you again?
They've been seeing each other for a month. It sounds like, after a relatively short period of time, he decided it wasn't working. I don't see why that means he has "crappy communication skills." OP, it sounds like you two are a mismatch. If you're having these problems after a month, it's probably not going to work.
posted by smorange at 7:33 PM on July 14, 2013 [13 favorites]
They've been seeing each other for a month. It sounds like, after a relatively short period of time, he decided it wasn't working. I don't see why that means he has "crappy communication skills." OP, it sounds like you two are a mismatch. If you're having these problems after a month, it's probably not going to work.
posted by smorange at 7:33 PM on July 14, 2013 [13 favorites]
Any ideas of how to physically do that?
Do not contact him AT ALL. No phone calls, no texts, no "I was in the neighborhood..." or "I saw xyz and thought of you..." or "hope you're doing well..." NOTHING. Occupy yourself and allow him to decide if he misses you or not. For whatever reason this guy is not that into you right now. He's turned off for some reason. It could be that things are moving too fast, you're pressuring him, you're needy, etc. Who knows. What I do know is that if you do not honor his wishes, and give him "space" you will only alienate him further.
You've only known him for one month. There really shouldn't be any fighting about your relationship at this point. If this relationship doesn't work out (remember, let him call you) take it easy in your next.
posted by Fairchild at 7:34 PM on July 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
Do not contact him AT ALL. No phone calls, no texts, no "I was in the neighborhood..." or "I saw xyz and thought of you..." or "hope you're doing well..." NOTHING. Occupy yourself and allow him to decide if he misses you or not. For whatever reason this guy is not that into you right now. He's turned off for some reason. It could be that things are moving too fast, you're pressuring him, you're needy, etc. Who knows. What I do know is that if you do not honor his wishes, and give him "space" you will only alienate him further.
You've only known him for one month. There really shouldn't be any fighting about your relationship at this point. If this relationship doesn't work out (remember, let him call you) take it easy in your next.
posted by Fairchild at 7:34 PM on July 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
It sounds like you're repeating the pattern you asked about in your question from a year ago. Did you work on this neediness and attachment issue with a therapist or in some other way? It seems like that's where you should focus your efforts.
This current relationship doesn't sound like it will be successful. If after only a month you're having fights and your boyfriend has tried to break up with you, it's unlikely that this is a good match.
posted by quince at 7:35 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
This current relationship doesn't sound like it will be successful. If after only a month you're having fights and your boyfriend has tried to break up with you, it's unlikely that this is a good match.
posted by quince at 7:35 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're trying to step back from 100% togetherness. Instead try taking forward steps from 0%. If he is home Friday-Sunday, then plan on a great Saturday, and only Saturday. Friday night he unwinds, Sunday he does laundry and sees his mom or whatever. But you have a great time Saturday together. Also start with zero on texts/calls. Only text when you have something to say, not when you need reassurance. You say this has been an issue before for you. His work life balance may be an issue but it's not *the* issue.
Therapy and a much more fulfilling social life are both good ideas.
posted by headnsouth at 7:36 PM on July 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
Therapy and a much more fulfilling social life are both good ideas.
posted by headnsouth at 7:36 PM on July 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
it is critical to give him his space. Any ideas of how to physically do that?
Really, the best answer will come from the guy you are dating. He will know what he needs in order to feel like he has enough "space." For him, "space" might be defined in terms of how much time you spend together each weekend, for example spending one day together and one day apart. Or for him, the ratio of time spent together vs. apart might be less important than setting a defined end time for your activities together and sticking to it. But then again, for him having "space" might mean that you make plans spontaneously but he feels free at any time to say "no" or choose not to make plans with you when his schedule feels overloaded. In conclusion: talk with him about how you can both have your needs met while dating each other. If you can't find a solution that's really agreeable to you both, then maybe you are not compatible, at least not at this time in your lives.
posted by Orinda at 7:37 PM on July 14, 2013
Really, the best answer will come from the guy you are dating. He will know what he needs in order to feel like he has enough "space." For him, "space" might be defined in terms of how much time you spend together each weekend, for example spending one day together and one day apart. Or for him, the ratio of time spent together vs. apart might be less important than setting a defined end time for your activities together and sticking to it. But then again, for him having "space" might mean that you make plans spontaneously but he feels free at any time to say "no" or choose not to make plans with you when his schedule feels overloaded. In conclusion: talk with him about how you can both have your needs met while dating each other. If you can't find a solution that's really agreeable to you both, then maybe you are not compatible, at least not at this time in your lives.
posted by Orinda at 7:37 PM on July 14, 2013
Response by poster: Well yeah it's easy to just say break up. I will not do that. I need to change myself becusr I had in te past 3 relationships that ended because I was clingy.
This whole is not working and lets be friends ii nighties because I frustrated him with questions about our future together and marriage ideas. I feel we were living in the la la land and now we need a relationship which is real not fantasy love. I need to get To know him better and why he acted like that when he was frustrated. Does it mean I was frustrating him and not giving him space?
posted by barexamfreak at 7:40 PM on July 14, 2013
This whole is not working and lets be friends ii nighties because I frustrated him with questions about our future together and marriage ideas. I feel we were living in the la la land and now we need a relationship which is real not fantasy love. I need to get To know him better and why he acted like that when he was frustrated. Does it mean I was frustrating him and not giving him space?
posted by barexamfreak at 7:40 PM on July 14, 2013
I wouldn't start telling a guy who've been seeing for a month that you love him and want to get married. That would certainly be a red flag for me. Honestly, it sounds like therapy would be a good idea.
posted by smorange at 7:45 PM on July 14, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by smorange at 7:45 PM on July 14, 2013 [12 favorites]
Response by poster: Guys, everything is ok now. I just stressed him out super strong one day by calling him like every hour. That's what made him say maybe we should be just friends. Then he apologized and said sometimes
He can be an idiot.
posted by barexamfreak at 7:46 PM on July 14, 2013
He can be an idiot.
posted by barexamfreak at 7:46 PM on July 14, 2013
Response by poster: So what should I do to stop this whole smothering pattern and not stressing him out? After all I should be pleasure for him not stress and drama. I get these panic attacks and that's when I make things go back cause I panic
About him and whether he will move away etc.
so he gets scared
I will stop talking about marriage, I will chill out and live in the moment without worrying about the future. All I have is now!
I will give him some personal time
Should this be all?
posted by barexamfreak at 7:51 PM on July 14, 2013
About him and whether he will move away etc.
so he gets scared
I will stop talking about marriage, I will chill out and live in the moment without worrying about the future. All I have is now!
I will give him some personal time
Should this be all?
posted by barexamfreak at 7:51 PM on July 14, 2013
I think you should look into addressing the causes of your anxiety and panic attacks with a professional. These relationship problems are the symptom, not the problem. You'll probably be happier overall if your anxiety is managed, not just in this specific relationship.
Once you have a handle on that stuff, these other issues may well fall into place. Good luck to you.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 7:53 PM on July 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
Once you have a handle on that stuff, these other issues may well fall into place. Good luck to you.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 7:53 PM on July 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I tried a therapist but I feel is not working. She is just talking to me
posted by barexamfreak at 7:55 PM on July 14, 2013
posted by barexamfreak at 7:55 PM on July 14, 2013
BEF, I appreciate that you're trying to modify your behavior, but based on your updates, if your boyfriend was one of my friends coming to me for advice, I would tell him to break up with you. If you're having panic attacks about relationships, please consider therapy if you haven't. Not for your boyfriend, but for you. Living a less stressed life is worth it, it's a thing you deserve, and quite frankly, you don't seem like you're in a good place to be a good partner right now, because it's very hard for you to not worry about things at an intensity level that doesn't match the stage of your relationship. This is a thing therapy can help with. Tons more in the MeFi wiki. If your relationship continues, this should help it, and if your relationship doesn't, this should help you.
On update: you're allowed to try a new therapist or to tell your current therapist you don't feel like things are working. Or to combine therapy with meds, which is definitely one effective way to go for severe anxiety.
posted by deludingmyself at 7:57 PM on July 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
On update: you're allowed to try a new therapist or to tell your current therapist you don't feel like things are working. Or to combine therapy with meds, which is definitely one effective way to go for severe anxiety.
posted by deludingmyself at 7:57 PM on July 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
Space works like this.
There are some nights when it is important to sit around and play video games, or hang out with a buddy, or read a book, or call mom, or whatever. Some nights its good to be alone or not with one's significant other. This doesn't mean that I don't care about my (now) wife, that means that I just need to decompress - to get out of my own head. Having time to waste and do my own thing in my own way means that I can do couple (family) stuff with a hell of a lot less stress. Think of it as mental process time. Not getting time alone can feel like you don't get to turn off - and that isn't to say that someone is acting while they are spending time with you - that's saying that in order to think wonderful things about people, you need to have time to yourself to think them. Think distance makes the heart grow fonder - especially when it is distance for just an evening or two.
posted by Nanukthedog at 8:00 PM on July 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
There are some nights when it is important to sit around and play video games, or hang out with a buddy, or read a book, or call mom, or whatever. Some nights its good to be alone or not with one's significant other. This doesn't mean that I don't care about my (now) wife, that means that I just need to decompress - to get out of my own head. Having time to waste and do my own thing in my own way means that I can do couple (family) stuff with a hell of a lot less stress. Think of it as mental process time. Not getting time alone can feel like you don't get to turn off - and that isn't to say that someone is acting while they are spending time with you - that's saying that in order to think wonderful things about people, you need to have time to yourself to think them. Think distance makes the heart grow fonder - especially when it is distance for just an evening or two.
posted by Nanukthedog at 8:00 PM on July 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I know that my panic attacks can end my relationship if I don't stop them soon. I panick over future and this poor guy needs to hear it all. Unless I quit this he might breakup for real. The problem is how will I end panic attacks. That feeling thg I need this NoW
posted by barexamfreak at 8:01 PM on July 14, 2013
posted by barexamfreak at 8:01 PM on July 14, 2013
This whole is not working and lets be friends ii nighties because I frustrated him with questions about our future together and marriage ideas.
You've known him all of ONE MONTH and you're pestering him with questions about your future together and marriage ideas. That's textbook smothering.
And your thread-sitting makes me think you may possibly be quite exasperating to him.
I really think you should prepare for this relationship to end, because it seems that you're dealing with issues that will cause its demise unless you address those issues. And I suspect those issues must be addressed in therapy that will require more work than he will be willing to wait around for.
Focus on yourself; take care of yourself. You seem to be regarding your clinginess as a set of behaviors you can change just so you can hang onto a man, but it's actually the clinginess that's the sole motivation for this -- you don't realize its your own psychology about relationships that needs to change, so that you are no longer so insecure, dependent, needy, and clingy.
Taking the approach of "how can I change my clingy behaviors so I can keep this man ... I've lost too many, really want to hang onto this one!" is precisely the wrong attitude. That's a surface attitude, aimed at symptoms, not the disease.
The attitude needs to be, "what's wrong with me that I'm so needy, clingy, and suffocating to men I date? I'm willing to work hard on myself so that someday soon ill find the right guy."
posted by Unified Theory at 8:04 PM on July 14, 2013 [17 favorites]
You've known him all of ONE MONTH and you're pestering him with questions about your future together and marriage ideas. That's textbook smothering.
And your thread-sitting makes me think you may possibly be quite exasperating to him.
I really think you should prepare for this relationship to end, because it seems that you're dealing with issues that will cause its demise unless you address those issues. And I suspect those issues must be addressed in therapy that will require more work than he will be willing to wait around for.
Focus on yourself; take care of yourself. You seem to be regarding your clinginess as a set of behaviors you can change just so you can hang onto a man, but it's actually the clinginess that's the sole motivation for this -- you don't realize its your own psychology about relationships that needs to change, so that you are no longer so insecure, dependent, needy, and clingy.
Taking the approach of "how can I change my clingy behaviors so I can keep this man ... I've lost too many, really want to hang onto this one!" is precisely the wrong attitude. That's a surface attitude, aimed at symptoms, not the disease.
The attitude needs to be, "what's wrong with me that I'm so needy, clingy, and suffocating to men I date? I'm willing to work hard on myself so that someday soon ill find the right guy."
posted by Unified Theory at 8:04 PM on July 14, 2013 [17 favorites]
You need to have a mantra whenever you start to freak out. For example: "I am my own person, and my boyfriend is not the person to fix me. Only I can do that."
Then take some cleansing breaths, go for a run, pet your cat, dance, watch a funny video, listen to some Rihanna, or whatever calms you down.
You should also shop around for a new therapist.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 8:06 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Then take some cleansing breaths, go for a run, pet your cat, dance, watch a funny video, listen to some Rihanna, or whatever calms you down.
You should also shop around for a new therapist.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 8:06 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I agree with what u say but with the pessimistic view that this is for sure over. We don't know that. We don't know what tommorow will bring . Being exasperated he said something stupid. I forgave him. But I don't wanna cling on to how I did this. I want to learn my mistake and never repeat it. I want to check a problem as solved and be happy together.
Neither you or I know if this relationship will end. Time only tells. And my future behaviour.i cannot dwell on the fact that this is lost so who cares. I need to adress the issue now!!
posted by barexamfreak at 8:11 PM on July 14, 2013
Neither you or I know if this relationship will end. Time only tells. And my future behaviour.i cannot dwell on the fact that this is lost so who cares. I need to adress the issue now!!
posted by barexamfreak at 8:11 PM on July 14, 2013
It is vital for you to look at it this way: the prize in learning how to manage your anxiety (and the clinginess that it engenders) is NOT a boyfriend. The prize will be in becoming a happier, calmer, more adult person, REGARDLESS of whether or not you have a boyfriend.
Or, to put it another way: make it your goal to be less anxious for YOU, not for HIM. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin, as difficult emotions come and go, is one of the most important skills you can develop. A combination of medication, therapy (get a new therapist if you don't like your current one!), activities like meditation or yoga, learning self-soothing techniques, and taking pride in your own pursuits (career, hobbies, etc.) are all ways to do this.
posted by scody at 8:15 PM on July 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
Or, to put it another way: make it your goal to be less anxious for YOU, not for HIM. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin, as difficult emotions come and go, is one of the most important skills you can develop. A combination of medication, therapy (get a new therapist if you don't like your current one!), activities like meditation or yoga, learning self-soothing techniques, and taking pride in your own pursuits (career, hobbies, etc.) are all ways to do this.
posted by scody at 8:15 PM on July 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
Check out The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. It's got great exercises that, if you actually do them rather than just reading them, should help you get a handle on your anxiety.
posted by jaguar at 8:22 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jaguar at 8:22 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you are wanting a "quick fix" - someone to tell you a magic word or magic thing to do to just make your panic and obsessive issues go away. There isn't one.
You want someone to tell you how to just end your panic attacks. I am sure you have worked on this and tried before on your own to just make them go away. But that doesn't work. Dealing with anxiety issues like you describe takes a good deal of time, and a lot of very hard work, to come out the other side. This is what people are telling you. There are no magic short cuts.
Holding on to this relationship is an immediate goal you have; people here are suggesting to you that looking at the long term goal of working through your issues will bring you closer to the things you want in life. It's like spending $5 a day on a nice coffee instead of saving up $5 a day for something you really want down the road.
posted by batikrose at 8:22 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
You want someone to tell you how to just end your panic attacks. I am sure you have worked on this and tried before on your own to just make them go away. But that doesn't work. Dealing with anxiety issues like you describe takes a good deal of time, and a lot of very hard work, to come out the other side. This is what people are telling you. There are no magic short cuts.
Holding on to this relationship is an immediate goal you have; people here are suggesting to you that looking at the long term goal of working through your issues will bring you closer to the things you want in life. It's like spending $5 a day on a nice coffee instead of saving up $5 a day for something you really want down the road.
posted by batikrose at 8:22 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I will deal with my insecurities through a therapist.
Hopefully I will be more confident now and these problem will not be as often.
posted by barexamfreak at 8:36 PM on July 14, 2013
Hopefully I will be more confident now and these problem will not be as often.
posted by barexamfreak at 8:36 PM on July 14, 2013
OP, so many Mefites here have patiently explained to you that the problem is your anxiety and codependence (your term). This failing relationship and 3 prior failed relationships are feedback for you -- feedback telling you that fixing a relationship by adjusting your behavior in the short term is a self-defeating approach.
Sorry to be so blunt, but your excuses so far show you are not listening to great advice, so here it is again: Fix the anxiety issues and the emotional insecurities you have first. Batikrose has it right; this takes time and effort. Above all it takes your full focus on working this out for yourself and for your own sake. There is no shortcut to get the results you want.
Part of the reward for this hard work will be new relationships that support your self esteem and help you grow as an individual. This current relationship isn't doing that, and no amount of figuring out how to give the guy "space" will make it right because it started out doomed to fail.
Please seek help. Best of luck to you.
posted by MyTwoCentsToo at 8:36 PM on July 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
Sorry to be so blunt, but your excuses so far show you are not listening to great advice, so here it is again: Fix the anxiety issues and the emotional insecurities you have first. Batikrose has it right; this takes time and effort. Above all it takes your full focus on working this out for yourself and for your own sake. There is no shortcut to get the results you want.
Part of the reward for this hard work will be new relationships that support your self esteem and help you grow as an individual. This current relationship isn't doing that, and no amount of figuring out how to give the guy "space" will make it right because it started out doomed to fail.
Please seek help. Best of luck to you.
posted by MyTwoCentsToo at 8:36 PM on July 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
Mod note: barexamfreak, AskMe isn't intended for back-and-forth conversations. Just let the answers come in as they will - you don't need to respond.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 9:02 PM on July 14, 2013
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 9:02 PM on July 14, 2013
You asked more or less this same question almost a year ago. So, this type of clinginess isn't a function of your current relationship, it's a function of all of them. In other words, it's mostly coming from you, or at least, the you-that-you-are-while-dating. You need to address whatever it is that causes you to freak out. Do you discuss this with your therapist? You should.
posted by axiom at 9:16 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by axiom at 9:16 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Look, every relationship fails until the one that doesn't fail.
Your needs don't match up - he's not for you, you're not for him.
Oh honey. Bounce! This guy is NOT for you!!
Anyone who "breaks up" with you in a fit of pique is not working things out with, EVER.
If he had maturely set expectations with you from the beginning, none of this would have happened. He's 50% to blame, if not more, since he knows his lifestyle demands and uou are just getting to know him. Sorry.
Keep working with your therapist, but bounce from this guy. It's already over. You're not damaged per se, nor is he, but you require more upfront communication than he can give you.
Bounce.
posted by jbenben at 9:24 PM on July 14, 2013
Your needs don't match up - he's not for you, you're not for him.
Oh honey. Bounce! This guy is NOT for you!!
Anyone who "breaks up" with you in a fit of pique is not working things out with, EVER.
If he had maturely set expectations with you from the beginning, none of this would have happened. He's 50% to blame, if not more, since he knows his lifestyle demands and uou are just getting to know him. Sorry.
Keep working with your therapist, but bounce from this guy. It's already over. You're not damaged per se, nor is he, but you require more upfront communication than he can give you.
Bounce.
posted by jbenben at 9:24 PM on July 14, 2013
If he had maturely set expectations with you from the beginning, none of this would have happened.
I don't think this is fair. They've been together a month (or 4 weekends, basically); it's not fair to him to assume that he's a jerk for not happening to enumerate on the first date or something an exact accounting of how many hours a week he will need to spend alone vs. with his girlfriend, and it's not fair to the OP to set up an unrealistic expectation that all necessary communication in a relationship will be made straight out of the gate.
Getting to know each other (and to reveal ourselves and our needs) in a relationship is an ongoing process for as long as the relationship exists.
posted by scody at 9:37 PM on July 14, 2013 [23 favorites]
I don't think this is fair. They've been together a month (or 4 weekends, basically); it's not fair to him to assume that he's a jerk for not happening to enumerate on the first date or something an exact accounting of how many hours a week he will need to spend alone vs. with his girlfriend, and it's not fair to the OP to set up an unrealistic expectation that all necessary communication in a relationship will be made straight out of the gate.
Getting to know each other (and to reveal ourselves and our needs) in a relationship is an ongoing process for as long as the relationship exists.
posted by scody at 9:37 PM on July 14, 2013 [23 favorites]
Did you ever consider taking him at face value?
Because I'm in the same position right now, effectively only free at weekends, and it is hard to date. I'm expecting my next job will have better work-life balance and that this will improve.
I get why you didn't just want to let him go, but he would probably have been right in his assessment of his situation regardless of anything you did.
posted by tel3path at 10:13 PM on July 14, 2013
Because I'm in the same position right now, effectively only free at weekends, and it is hard to date. I'm expecting my next job will have better work-life balance and that this will improve.
I get why you didn't just want to let him go, but he would probably have been right in his assessment of his situation regardless of anything you did.
posted by tel3path at 10:13 PM on July 14, 2013
He got to the point that one day he wanted to break up with me and us jut being friends because he felt thy dating is very hard until he finds another job with better work life balance
He is probably right. If you want a real relationship NOW, as you say, it's probably worth moving on from someone who says that his job doesn't leave room in his life for a real relationship.
posted by salvia at 10:32 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
He is probably right. If you want a real relationship NOW, as you say, it's probably worth moving on from someone who says that his job doesn't leave room in his life for a real relationship.
posted by salvia at 10:32 PM on July 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Others have said that you need to address your anxiety and attachment issues before you're going to be able to relax and enjoy a healthy relationship. MOSTLY, I agree with them. You are operating at a level of intensity and panic that I don't think you are aware of, and which most people would find a bit off-putting in a new relationship.
You see--when I read your posts, I can just about hear you shrieking them and typing at rapid-fire pace and barely being able to breathe and basically becoming a ball of pure irrational panic.
But the other half of the issue is that, with this relationship, you've chosen the *worst* type of person for someone with your anxieties. You've chosen a person who is almost *guaranteed* to bring out the worst in you: a person who is physically, and possibly emotionally, unavailable.
There are guys out there who don't travel incessantly for work; guys with the time and extroversion and ability to be present and engaged with you and not trigger all your worst fears, all the time (though even those dudes will occasionally need time to themselves, so you still need to work on your issues). You might try finding one of them.
unless you are subconsciously picking men who trigger your anxieties in order to repeat some pattern-of-origin and feel perversely safe because you don't have to examine your life if you can obsess over someone else...ahem. I mean, nothing...I certainly don't do that...anymore...
posted by like_a_friend at 10:59 PM on July 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
You see--when I read your posts, I can just about hear you shrieking them and typing at rapid-fire pace and barely being able to breathe and basically becoming a ball of pure irrational panic.
But the other half of the issue is that, with this relationship, you've chosen the *worst* type of person for someone with your anxieties. You've chosen a person who is almost *guaranteed* to bring out the worst in you: a person who is physically, and possibly emotionally, unavailable.
There are guys out there who don't travel incessantly for work; guys with the time and extroversion and ability to be present and engaged with you and not trigger all your worst fears, all the time (though even those dudes will occasionally need time to themselves, so you still need to work on your issues). You might try finding one of them.
unless you are subconsciously picking men who trigger your anxieties in order to repeat some pattern-of-origin and feel perversely safe because you don't have to examine your life if you can obsess over someone else...ahem. I mean, nothing...I certainly don't do that...anymore...
posted by like_a_friend at 10:59 PM on July 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
If a guy says he wants space, move to Pluto. Seriously, "I need space" is the death knell of a relationship already. I say this as someone who has also been quite the clinger and been dumped for it because I did not cope with being told "I need space" well. But really, I think it was doomed because he didn't need as much as I did and he couldn't fill my black hole of needy. You need more than he does right now. He cannot provide you with enough to make you feel secure, and he especially doesn't have the time to do it. He's already burned out on you after a month, that's....not good. And this is how your relationships keep ending.
Besides the usual "therapy" and "maybe you need to stay single for a good long while" stuff, I would say to only let him call you for now. You disappear. You say, "Great, honey, let me know when you want to see me again," and leave it at that. Do not contact him again. Assume the relationship is over, go take up some hobbies, and if he ever misses you again, let him decide that he wants to try again. MAYBE it could be saved if you don't need to occupy his time every single weekend. But really, I don't think the guy has the time to have a relationship in the first place anyway with a traveling job 5 days a week.
But also, if you tend to be needy and clingy, you need to date other needy, clingy people who won't make you feel bad about wanting to be together all the time. Dating busy people or people who need space doesn't work for that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:00 PM on July 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
Besides the usual "therapy" and "maybe you need to stay single for a good long while" stuff, I would say to only let him call you for now. You disappear. You say, "Great, honey, let me know when you want to see me again," and leave it at that. Do not contact him again. Assume the relationship is over, go take up some hobbies, and if he ever misses you again, let him decide that he wants to try again. MAYBE it could be saved if you don't need to occupy his time every single weekend. But really, I don't think the guy has the time to have a relationship in the first place anyway with a traveling job 5 days a week.
But also, if you tend to be needy and clingy, you need to date other needy, clingy people who won't make you feel bad about wanting to be together all the time. Dating busy people or people who need space doesn't work for that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:00 PM on July 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
If a guy says he wants space, move to Pluto. Seriously, "I need space" is the death knell of a relationship already.
Yes, this. If he had said that he needed space, that would have been what you should have done.
What he said was he wanted to break up with me and us jut being friends because he felt thy dating is very hard until he finds another job with better work life balance and your response was Well yeah it's easy to just say break up. I will not do that.
If he has two days a week of free time, he does not have time to meet your needs and his, especially at the very beginning of a relationship. Breaking up, rather than trying to make something work that doesn't seem workable, or stringing you along until he finds a less demanding job, would seem to be the most realistic option, however disappointing to you.
If he had written to us and said he tried to break up with someone (for whatever reason) and she "would not", we would all be screaming abusive controlling relationship no contact scorched earth. Which might or might not be overreacting, but instead, it's you that wrote to us and all of us are reacting to what you want him to have said, rather than what he did say. I think that's wrong.
posted by tel3path at 11:23 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yes, this. If he had said that he needed space, that would have been what you should have done.
What he said was he wanted to break up with me and us jut being friends because he felt thy dating is very hard until he finds another job with better work life balance and your response was Well yeah it's easy to just say break up. I will not do that.
If he has two days a week of free time, he does not have time to meet your needs and his, especially at the very beginning of a relationship. Breaking up, rather than trying to make something work that doesn't seem workable, or stringing you along until he finds a less demanding job, would seem to be the most realistic option, however disappointing to you.
If he had written to us and said he tried to break up with someone (for whatever reason) and she "would not", we would all be screaming abusive controlling relationship no contact scorched earth. Which might or might not be overreacting, but instead, it's you that wrote to us and all of us are reacting to what you want him to have said, rather than what he did say. I think that's wrong.
posted by tel3path at 11:23 PM on July 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yikes, I've seen this dynamic before, the one where your needs for secure attachment aren't met. Don't make it all about him. Don't try to contort yourself into being a 'cool', detached person that you're not. Think about yourself. This relationship isn't working for you if you're already experiencing so much anxiety and heartache and drama after one month.
It's one thing to figure out that you have attachment issues. It's another to value yourself enough to walk away from situations that aren't working for you. You're driving yourself up the wall with this relationship. Get out of it. You'll respect yourself more in the long run.
posted by nerdfish at 2:45 AM on July 15, 2013
It's one thing to figure out that you have attachment issues. It's another to value yourself enough to walk away from situations that aren't working for you. You're driving yourself up the wall with this relationship. Get out of it. You'll respect yourself more in the long run.
posted by nerdfish at 2:45 AM on July 15, 2013
I agree with what u say but with the pessimistic view that this is for sure over. We don't know that. We don't know what tommorow will bring . Being exasperated he said something stupid. I forgave him. But I don't wanna cling on to how I did this. I want to learn my mistake and never repeat it. I want to check a problem as solved and be happy together.
Neither you or I know if this relationship will end. Time only tells.
But we do, that's the problem. See I travel a lot for work, and I work long hrs even when I don't travel. And I am very protective of my free time. There is no way that I would put up with hrly phone calls, no way I'd want to spend ALL my free time with somebody I only started to see a very short while ago and no way I'd put up with the kind of drama you seem to bring into this guy's life. So I'd suggest you listen to the people that say this realtionship has no future because it doesn't. He needs somebody who can deal with life's day to day issues and problems alone, with minimal impact on him. And he needs somebody who'll give him the space to do whatever adults normally need to do in their spare time without it being viewed as a 'break up'. So that would rule you out compeltely.
You need to go and find yourself a therapist and work with them. Give it a lot of time. Your complete inability to take in anything anybody here has said (as indicated by your updates) means that this is not something you will be able to address quickly. Or even medium-term, at least not to the point where you could be in a relationship with somebody as busy as that and it not being immensely frustrating for him and immensely panic inducing for you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:29 AM on July 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
Neither you or I know if this relationship will end. Time only tells.
But we do, that's the problem. See I travel a lot for work, and I work long hrs even when I don't travel. And I am very protective of my free time. There is no way that I would put up with hrly phone calls, no way I'd want to spend ALL my free time with somebody I only started to see a very short while ago and no way I'd put up with the kind of drama you seem to bring into this guy's life. So I'd suggest you listen to the people that say this realtionship has no future because it doesn't. He needs somebody who can deal with life's day to day issues and problems alone, with minimal impact on him. And he needs somebody who'll give him the space to do whatever adults normally need to do in their spare time without it being viewed as a 'break up'. So that would rule you out compeltely.
You need to go and find yourself a therapist and work with them. Give it a lot of time. Your complete inability to take in anything anybody here has said (as indicated by your updates) means that this is not something you will be able to address quickly. Or even medium-term, at least not to the point where you could be in a relationship with somebody as busy as that and it not being immensely frustrating for him and immensely panic inducing for you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:29 AM on July 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
There are a lot of things going on here, but I think the real, key issue here is that he doesn't have room in his life for a relationship. He travels five days a week and that is a lot. Regardless of his or your communication skills, or your clinginess issues, he doesn't have time to be in a healthy relationship.
This story doesn't go well until he gets a new job.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:54 AM on July 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
This story doesn't go well until he gets a new job.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:54 AM on July 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
I frustrated him with questions about our future together and marriage ideas. I feel we were living in the la la land and now we need a relationship which is real not fantasy love.
It's been merely a month of predominantly weekend only involvement and you're insisting marriage and real love be discussed and negotiated to your satisfaction? He ended it...but perhaps only relented under heavy fire from your emotional artillery. Love and the desire for commitment evolve organically - with patience, compromise, and understanding. They're inclusive and mutual - his time...his love...his commitment...you can't demand these simply because you're afraid and lonely. My advice to you is learn to approach your next relationship with significantly more emotional maturity.
posted by Nibiru at 7:00 AM on July 15, 2013 [10 favorites]
It's been merely a month of predominantly weekend only involvement and you're insisting marriage and real love be discussed and negotiated to your satisfaction? He ended it...but perhaps only relented under heavy fire from your emotional artillery. Love and the desire for commitment evolve organically - with patience, compromise, and understanding. They're inclusive and mutual - his time...his love...his commitment...you can't demand these simply because you're afraid and lonely. My advice to you is learn to approach your next relationship with significantly more emotional maturity.
posted by Nibiru at 7:00 AM on July 15, 2013 [10 favorites]
Oh, back in the day it was a need to be joined at the hip until I joined up with someone who did that and after awhile it turned out he was that way because he was a freak show abuser.....so my mantra has been since then that I set my schedule, we meet up, if it works that we set a next time then great...and if not, that's great as well...he'll call and if he doesn't....oh well....be a warrior and challenge yourself to let someone love you not make someone love you
posted by OhSusannah at 5:54 PM on July 15, 2013
posted by OhSusannah at 5:54 PM on July 15, 2013
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We've slowly spent more and more time together, so that now there are only a few days a week where we're not together. However, I think that, even should we move in together/marry, I'll require my "space" to myself. He's not that type at all...he's happy to be with me all the time, but he understands my needs and gives that space to me, which has done nothing but make our relationship stronger.
posted by xingcat at 7:02 PM on July 14, 2013 [3 favorites]