How can I get him to leave?
July 12, 2013 2:55 PM Subscribe
I am a woman in my early 30s and have had a few dates with a guy. We have not been to each other's homes yet. That is going to change tomorrow night though. I invited him over to my house and he enthusiastically accepted.
The issue is that I am extremely introverted and need alone time, especially in the beginning of a relationship. I need time to sit back and think about things. I become overwhelmed when I feel trapped. I want to know how I can politely get him to leave at the end of the night. What should I say and do to indicate that it is time for him to go home? In the past, I have been very straight forward and have been known to offend people. I used to have huge fights with one of my exes in particular because I couldn't get him to go home at the end of the night.
So, hivemind, how can I get him to leave when I want him to leave? Also, should I be more excited about this new relationship? Should I WANT him to stay and not leave? Perhaps I should end it if I feel this way, but I can't decide. I want to see if I develop stronger feelings for him since it's so early in the relationship. I want to do this without being too stressed out. Right now, I am feeling extremely stressed out about how to get him to leave. I also don't want to have sex with him at this point, but I am comfortable telling him I'm not ready for things to become more physical yet.
Thanks for your help.
The issue is that I am extremely introverted and need alone time, especially in the beginning of a relationship. I need time to sit back and think about things. I become overwhelmed when I feel trapped. I want to know how I can politely get him to leave at the end of the night. What should I say and do to indicate that it is time for him to go home? In the past, I have been very straight forward and have been known to offend people. I used to have huge fights with one of my exes in particular because I couldn't get him to go home at the end of the night.
So, hivemind, how can I get him to leave when I want him to leave? Also, should I be more excited about this new relationship? Should I WANT him to stay and not leave? Perhaps I should end it if I feel this way, but I can't decide. I want to see if I develop stronger feelings for him since it's so early in the relationship. I want to do this without being too stressed out. Right now, I am feeling extremely stressed out about how to get him to leave. I also don't want to have sex with him at this point, but I am comfortable telling him I'm not ready for things to become more physical yet.
Thanks for your help.
Tell him ahead of time....
"Oh, by the way, I'm looking forward to tomorrow night but I have to get up really early the next day, so we'll need to call it a night at 11.
posted by raisingsand at 3:02 PM on July 12, 2013 [55 favorites]
"Oh, by the way, I'm looking forward to tomorrow night but I have to get up really early the next day, so we'll need to call it a night at 11.
posted by raisingsand at 3:02 PM on July 12, 2013 [55 favorites]
When he shows up, say "Just so you know, I need to call it a night around Xpm." And when Xpm rolls around, find a natural pause in the conversation, stretch your arms, yawn, and say, "OK, it's about time to call it a night." And if you had a good time, then you should say so and make it clear if you want to do it again.
posted by juliplease at 3:02 PM on July 12, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by juliplease at 3:02 PM on July 12, 2013 [7 favorites]
"should I be more excited about this new relationship?"
Nope. That would be worrying about the wrong things. It's not even a relationship yet. It's just two people dating, and that's A-OK. Enjoy it! Don't put pressure on it to become something. Just enjoy being with him. Enjoy the moment. There's no need to rush into the future.
"how can I get him to leave when I want him to leave?"
For me, the following sentence always works: "As much as I hate to say this, I need to call it a night." It works if we're on the couch, and it works if we're naked in bed. It works because it's true, and because it nicely lets my date know that I wish the evening didn't have to end, but it does.
...have fun!
posted by 2oh1 at 3:04 PM on July 12, 2013 [9 favorites]
Nope. That would be worrying about the wrong things. It's not even a relationship yet. It's just two people dating, and that's A-OK. Enjoy it! Don't put pressure on it to become something. Just enjoy being with him. Enjoy the moment. There's no need to rush into the future.
"how can I get him to leave when I want him to leave?"
For me, the following sentence always works: "As much as I hate to say this, I need to call it a night." It works if we're on the couch, and it works if we're naked in bed. It works because it's true, and because it nicely lets my date know that I wish the evening didn't have to end, but it does.
...have fun!
posted by 2oh1 at 3:04 PM on July 12, 2013 [9 favorites]
I have found* that my best relationships happen when I put all the cards on the table right off the bat. I don't like the "put your best foot forward" stuff. Great for job interviews. Not so great for interviewing someone you presumably might eventually want to share your life with.
If you're enjoying yourself but by the end of the evening want him to get lost, I would just straight up say, "hey, this has been fun, but I'm really kind of an introvert and need alone time. Can we make plans to see each other again on [specific date in the near future] to [specific activity]?" Smile while you're saying it. Let him know you want to see him again.
If that weirds him out too much, then that's fine. He's probably not someone who would be able to appreciate your introvertedness long term. Better you know now.
*I discovered this after getting a terrible, terrible two-week long stint of out-the-butt food poisoning shortly after getting involved with a boyfriend. It really made that "oh god he knows I poop and sometimes do other unpleasant things, too" hurdle an easy one to jump over.
posted by phunniemee at 3:04 PM on July 12, 2013 [13 favorites]
If you're enjoying yourself but by the end of the evening want him to get lost, I would just straight up say, "hey, this has been fun, but I'm really kind of an introvert and need alone time. Can we make plans to see each other again on [specific date in the near future] to [specific activity]?" Smile while you're saying it. Let him know you want to see him again.
If that weirds him out too much, then that's fine. He's probably not someone who would be able to appreciate your introvertedness long term. Better you know now.
*I discovered this after getting a terrible, terrible two-week long stint of out-the-butt food poisoning shortly after getting involved with a boyfriend. It really made that "oh god he knows I poop and sometimes do other unpleasant things, too" hurdle an easy one to jump over.
posted by phunniemee at 3:04 PM on July 12, 2013 [13 favorites]
"Hey Newdude, I am extreemly a bit introverted and need alone time, especially in the beginning of a relationship. Could we call it a night by x:30?"
I would stay away from wording it like 'feeling trapped' and the like...but this is pretty normal. If you want things to progress and continue, make plans to see him again before the night ends, so both of you aren't left hanging.
posted by furnace.heart at 3:06 PM on July 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
I would stay away from wording it like 'feeling trapped' and the like...but this is pretty normal. If you want things to progress and continue, make plans to see him again before the night ends, so both of you aren't left hanging.
posted by furnace.heart at 3:06 PM on July 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
Just one guys opinion but I've been told that they'd prefer if I didn't spend the night because they "just didn't feel comfortable with me staying over." Never ruffled my feathers, there's a ton of good reasons (personal safety being a one).
Personally I'd leave any reasons out of it.
posted by bitdamaged at 3:48 PM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Personally I'd leave any reasons out of it.
posted by bitdamaged at 3:48 PM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
If it was me, and a woman invited me to her house with a pre-set "leave" time, I would probably decline. It would just feel too childish and artificial to me. I would also wonder why she invited me at all, instead of just meeting at a public place.
As others have said, I would go with explaining the introversion issue up front. It makes it seem more about you and less about him, or mistrusting him, or setting weird rules.
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:56 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
As others have said, I would go with explaining the introversion issue up front. It makes it seem more about you and less about him, or mistrusting him, or setting weird rules.
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:56 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
If it was me, and a woman invited me to her house with a pre-set "leave" time, I would probably decline. It would just feel too childish and artificial to me. I would also wonder why she invited me at all, instead of just meeting at a public place.
This attitude is utterly baffling to me. I think it's pretty "adult" to set appointments and appropriate boundaries. If I suspected that someone wasn't going to respect my desire for them to leave, I would never invite them to my home.
OP, I have to wonder if you've ever had an issue in the past where a man or romantic partner didn't respect your wishes. If you honestly think it will be hard to convince this guy to leave your home when you ask him to, I think you should trust your gut and meet in a public place instead. Part of inviting someone into your home is trusting them to treat you with respect while they're there.
posted by telegraph at 4:06 PM on July 12, 2013 [29 favorites]
This attitude is utterly baffling to me. I think it's pretty "adult" to set appointments and appropriate boundaries. If I suspected that someone wasn't going to respect my desire for them to leave, I would never invite them to my home.
OP, I have to wonder if you've ever had an issue in the past where a man or romantic partner didn't respect your wishes. If you honestly think it will be hard to convince this guy to leave your home when you ask him to, I think you should trust your gut and meet in a public place instead. Part of inviting someone into your home is trusting them to treat you with respect while they're there.
posted by telegraph at 4:06 PM on July 12, 2013 [29 favorites]
It's a sad reality that there are those guys who don't get the message or who try bargaining when the time comes to leave. Just in case, you should be prepared for such an eventuality.
A friend of mine had a phrase for such an occasion. If the guy started to get whiny, she'd get up abruptly and declare: "Your taxi is waiting!", with thumb yanking toward the door, look him in the eye and wiggle eyebrows a couple of times with a serious expression.
Hopefully you won't need it, but keep it in your back pocket just in case.
posted by VikingSword at 4:10 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
A friend of mine had a phrase for such an occasion. If the guy started to get whiny, she'd get up abruptly and declare: "Your taxi is waiting!", with thumb yanking toward the door, look him in the eye and wiggle eyebrows a couple of times with a serious expression.
Hopefully you won't need it, but keep it in your back pocket just in case.
posted by VikingSword at 4:10 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Assuming this dude isn't coming over expecting something further than hanging out and getting to know each other better any "I gotta crash, had fun thanks for coming" type announcement should be fine.
If he wants to explore relationship possibilities with you he should respect your wishes. You need no excuses or explanations, fore-warnings or hidden mace sprays.
There are no rules beyond basic decency, and if he tries to extend his stay and you have to force him out, it will say more about him than you, something I'm sure you'll consider.
posted by Max Power at 4:18 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
If he wants to explore relationship possibilities with you he should respect your wishes. You need no excuses or explanations, fore-warnings or hidden mace sprays.
There are no rules beyond basic decency, and if he tries to extend his stay and you have to force him out, it will say more about him than you, something I'm sure you'll consider.
posted by Max Power at 4:18 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
"You're wonderiffic. I'm done for the night, though. Do you want to do this again next week?"
posted by windykites at 4:24 PM on July 12, 2013
posted by windykites at 4:24 PM on July 12, 2013
you should tell him before he comes over that this is not a sleep-over situation so that he won't think he did something wrong. if he asks why, just say you're not comfortable with someone staying over this early in a relationship, it's the truth.
when you're ready for him to go, use one of the lines already suggested, he should get the hint.
if you must, have a friend be "on call," or if he won't leave when you directly ask him to you can always call the police. but that's really a worst case scenario.
posted by cupcake1337 at 4:25 PM on July 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
when you're ready for him to go, use one of the lines already suggested, he should get the hint.
if you must, have a friend be "on call," or if he won't leave when you directly ask him to you can always call the police. but that's really a worst case scenario.
posted by cupcake1337 at 4:25 PM on July 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
I have the same issue and I worry about this too. I have found that people tend not to understand my need for alone time, even in non-romantic situations. When I first came to the moment where I felt I wanted to tell my current SO that I needed some time to myself, I was suuuuuuuuuper nervous to tell him so, so in retrospect I probably could have done better than what came limping out of my mouth: "Hey, so, this might be weird, and I'm sorry if it's weird, but would it be weird if I asked you to, like, go home now? I just, you know, I'm weird and I like to spend time by myself."
You know what? Despite the fact that I said "weird" eleventy-billion times, his immediate response was, "No problem! We'll chat later, ok?" I felt TERRIBLE because I knew all I really wanted to do was stare at the wall a bit and eat ice cream and then play Picross on my phone. But he got it, and he was awesome about it, and was not offended.
I would submit that if this guy is a good fit for you, he will be similarly non-offended. Maybe I would advise not to muff it like I did. Just say, "Hey, you know what? I like to have some time to myself to unwind at the end of the day. Shall we call it a night and see each other again in X days?" or whatever would be normal for you to say at the end of a date. Be just as comfortable setting a limit on this as you are setting a limit on sex!
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:40 PM on July 12, 2013 [8 favorites]
You know what? Despite the fact that I said "weird" eleventy-billion times, his immediate response was, "No problem! We'll chat later, ok?" I felt TERRIBLE because I knew all I really wanted to do was stare at the wall a bit and eat ice cream and then play Picross on my phone. But he got it, and he was awesome about it, and was not offended.
I would submit that if this guy is a good fit for you, he will be similarly non-offended. Maybe I would advise not to muff it like I did. Just say, "Hey, you know what? I like to have some time to myself to unwind at the end of the day. Shall we call it a night and see each other again in X days?" or whatever would be normal for you to say at the end of a date. Be just as comfortable setting a limit on this as you are setting a limit on sex!
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:40 PM on July 12, 2013 [8 favorites]
I used to have huge fights with one of my exes in particular because I couldn't get him to go home at the end of the night.
In this scenario the ex is the asshole, not you. People who get angry about you asserting personal boundaries and speaking out about your own needs are terrible people who should be avoided at all costs.
However, in general most people don't behave like that. I understand your concern and desire to prepare beforehand for this potentially unpleasant situation, but it is probably more likely that if you tell this dude "hey, I've had a great time, and I'd love to see you again, but I'm exhausted and I need to turn in, can I call you a cab?" that he will leave without a fuss.
posted by elizardbits at 5:23 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
In this scenario the ex is the asshole, not you. People who get angry about you asserting personal boundaries and speaking out about your own needs are terrible people who should be avoided at all costs.
However, in general most people don't behave like that. I understand your concern and desire to prepare beforehand for this potentially unpleasant situation, but it is probably more likely that if you tell this dude "hey, I've had a great time, and I'd love to see you again, but I'm exhausted and I need to turn in, can I call you a cab?" that he will leave without a fuss.
posted by elizardbits at 5:23 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Very very related...if you have already been on a few dates and you invite him to your place, he is probably assuming sex unless you guys have explicitly said otherwise. I don't think this makes him a sleazeball. This makes him a regular dater past a certain age...I don't know what that age is. I would be assuming sex myself, or something similar, you know. This might, um, be a bigger issue even than leaving at 11 (or whenever).
So I would lay both of those things out right away.
posted by skbw at 5:32 PM on July 12, 2013 [13 favorites]
So I would lay both of those things out right away.
posted by skbw at 5:32 PM on July 12, 2013 [13 favorites]
Yeah I wouldn't be worried so much about getting him out of there so you can have alone time, as setting the expectation that you're not inviting him over for sex. In either case, it's perfectly reasonable (and probably a good idea) to let him know in advance, like "I'm looking forward to Friday, I do have some early plans the next day so we're going to have to wrap up by 11 or so - I don't want you to think something's wrong when we wind it up."
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:41 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:41 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you feel comfortable with setting your boundaries after reading the responses, then great.
But if you still don't, it's fine to just change your plans. "Hi date, I thought about it and I just don't feel ready to have you at my place yet. I found this other awesome thing we can do and I'm really looking forward to seeing you again."
It's ok to wait and build up some trust before having someone in your home.
posted by bunderful at 6:24 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
But if you still don't, it's fine to just change your plans. "Hi date, I thought about it and I just don't feel ready to have you at my place yet. I found this other awesome thing we can do and I'm really looking forward to seeing you again."
It's ok to wait and build up some trust before having someone in your home.
posted by bunderful at 6:24 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Usually in my dating past, I find that inviting someone to your home sends the message that sex is on the agenda. Also, if sex is on the agenda, that usually implies to me that the person is probably going to sleep over unless there's a compelling reason not to. (And by compelling I mean having to work early the next morning or something, not "I hate people so you have to leave now byeeeeeee".)
I think that if you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't invite this guy over to your house. Period.
I think that if you do want to have sex, you have two options:
A. In situations where I want to have sex but don't want to stay over, I engineer things so that it's the other person inviting me to their place. Then I can stay if I want, or not if I don't.
or
B. Accept the fact that, if you're serious enough about someone to start having sex with them, you're probably going to have to surrender some of your introvert private time boundaries at some point. I mean, what's the point of dating if not to spend time with the other person?
I've been asked to leave someone's house after sex -- both times in the middle of the night! -- and, well, let me just say it didn't go over well with me. Maybe I'm an outlier, but when I have sex with someone and then they kick me out in the middle of the night it's a bit of a red flag for me about where I stand on this person's priority level. If they value their alone time more than my safety getting navigating a city in the wee hours of the morning, that's not really someone I much want in my life. Maybe your guy won't take it that way, but it's something to consider before you begin dating someone you don't want to ever stay over at your house.
posted by Sara C. at 6:29 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think that if you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't invite this guy over to your house. Period.
I think that if you do want to have sex, you have two options:
A. In situations where I want to have sex but don't want to stay over, I engineer things so that it's the other person inviting me to their place. Then I can stay if I want, or not if I don't.
or
B. Accept the fact that, if you're serious enough about someone to start having sex with them, you're probably going to have to surrender some of your introvert private time boundaries at some point. I mean, what's the point of dating if not to spend time with the other person?
I've been asked to leave someone's house after sex -- both times in the middle of the night! -- and, well, let me just say it didn't go over well with me. Maybe I'm an outlier, but when I have sex with someone and then they kick me out in the middle of the night it's a bit of a red flag for me about where I stand on this person's priority level. If they value their alone time more than my safety getting navigating a city in the wee hours of the morning, that's not really someone I much want in my life. Maybe your guy won't take it that way, but it's something to consider before you begin dating someone you don't want to ever stay over at your house.
posted by Sara C. at 6:29 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
1) Definitely make it clear you're not going to be having sex. If I was on a third or fourth date with a woman who invited me over, I would be waaaaaay confused when 9:30 rolled around and she asked me to leave. Not saying it would be bad, but I wouldn't really know what you want.
2) "Hey, just a heads up, I've got This Excuse in the morning, so I'm gonna have to kick you out around 9:30. Is that cool?" (If the answer is no, he doesn't come over, obvs)
posted by OrangeDrink at 7:17 PM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
2) "Hey, just a heads up, I've got This Excuse in the morning, so I'm gonna have to kick you out around 9:30. Is that cool?" (If the answer is no, he doesn't come over, obvs)
posted by OrangeDrink at 7:17 PM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
When I was dating, there were many second or third date women who invited me into their house for a drink or desert but made the hint nothing more would be happening THAT night. Each had their own script and manner of speaking.
We'd enjoy our drink, I'd keep the whole thing to a max of one hour (maybe time to hear one record/CD), then I'd suggest future plans or say I'd call and then leave without issue. I viewed the home visit (either picking her up for a date, or dropping her off to end a date) as another step of getting to know someone.
I don't think your ex's behavior was typical. It is possible to be sexual or sensual or romantic (in the sense of yes we are on a DATE) without invading a woman's boundaries.
posted by 99percentfake at 10:13 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
We'd enjoy our drink, I'd keep the whole thing to a max of one hour (maybe time to hear one record/CD), then I'd suggest future plans or say I'd call and then leave without issue. I viewed the home visit (either picking her up for a date, or dropping her off to end a date) as another step of getting to know someone.
I don't think your ex's behavior was typical. It is possible to be sexual or sensual or romantic (in the sense of yes we are on a DATE) without invading a woman's boundaries.
posted by 99percentfake at 10:13 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
I love this question because I think I completely get your anxiety over this. I think it's very hard for people-pleasers to protect our boundaries and state our needs in these situations, even though you know it's worth doing. Part of what's scary is that stating your needs risks "ruining" what seems like a promising relationship. But the truth is if he's gonna freak out NOW about you needing alone time, then there's no way he's going to be able to understand your need for alone-time after you've been dating for 2 years.
Think about it as a screen for who he is, and for how you can be in this new relationship. But as the young rope-rider suggests, you've set up this "high stakes test" and it's kind of not fair to give him the test without letting him know he's taking it. So, give him SOME information to make both of you likely to pass.
I hope it goes well.
posted by gubenuj at 11:32 PM on July 12, 2013
Think about it as a screen for who he is, and for how you can be in this new relationship. But as the young rope-rider suggests, you've set up this "high stakes test" and it's kind of not fair to give him the test without letting him know he's taking it. So, give him SOME information to make both of you likely to pass.
I hope it goes well.
posted by gubenuj at 11:32 PM on July 12, 2013
An invitation to come over usually is semi-code for "We will have sex" - if it's not, that will usually be made clear ("Just for dinner") and a timeline will usually bet set. Just saying "I'm tired and I have to go to bed" is not sufficient communication - very often that means "It's time for us to sleep" or "it's time for us to go to bed, have sex, and then sleep."
I used to have huge fights with one of my exes in particular because I couldn't get him to go home at the end of the night.
So, even when you're in a relationship of some seriousness, you wanted him to go home at the end of the night instead of staying over? That is going to be a serious problem for a lot of guys, and a deal-killer for many. That's not to say you're not allowed to have your preferences - just that you need to understand that they're unusual, and that you're operating outside the bounds of 'normal' dating practices.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:13 AM on July 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
I used to have huge fights with one of my exes in particular because I couldn't get him to go home at the end of the night.
So, even when you're in a relationship of some seriousness, you wanted him to go home at the end of the night instead of staying over? That is going to be a serious problem for a lot of guys, and a deal-killer for many. That's not to say you're not allowed to have your preferences - just that you need to understand that they're unusual, and that you're operating outside the bounds of 'normal' dating practices.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:13 AM on July 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
I agree with others who suggested that it would be easier to go to his house, or go somewhere else, if you want to be able to end things at a particular time. I'm not sure I would necessarily say I have an early day the next day if the real reason is that you want space; I think it's helpful to be honest. But you can avoid the conversation for a little while longer by changing plans to meet outside your house.
The bigger issue is whether, as Tomorrowful says, you may want more space in general than most people. Once you're in a relationship, are you comfortable with someone sleeping over? Most people will expect and want that from their partner, and eventually want to live together too. Is that something you want?
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:37 AM on July 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
The bigger issue is whether, as Tomorrowful says, you may want more space in general than most people. Once you're in a relationship, are you comfortable with someone sleeping over? Most people will expect and want that from their partner, and eventually want to live together too. Is that something you want?
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:37 AM on July 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I once quasi-dated a guy who was always kicking me out of his house when I really wanted to stay the night. The way he did it was to wait for a small lull in conversation and then say "Alright..." very slowly while changing his position suddenly (standing up if he was sitting, stepping toward the door if he was standing) -- it was like my Pavlovian signal to get the hell out. The minute I heard "Alright" at the start of a sentence, I knew the night was over for me. He didn't even have to make excuses or say he was tired, I just knew it was "that time" and I got my coat and left.
Seriously, all you have to do is say "Alright" and go to the door. He'll get the message. If it feels like you're being mean or rude, you can soften things by saying "I had a great time" or "Thanks for coming over".
Also, you're not weird to want him to go/not being excited about having him stick around the whole night. You know yourself, you understand what you need and are prepared to do what it takes to get it. You're doing fine.
posted by RingerChopChop at 6:30 PM on July 13, 2013
Seriously, all you have to do is say "Alright" and go to the door. He'll get the message. If it feels like you're being mean or rude, you can soften things by saying "I had a great time" or "Thanks for coming over".
Also, you're not weird to want him to go/not being excited about having him stick around the whole night. You know yourself, you understand what you need and are prepared to do what it takes to get it. You're doing fine.
posted by RingerChopChop at 6:30 PM on July 13, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by marshmallow peep at 3:01 PM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]