Help me not focus on my lust for a guy that's bad for me.
June 27, 2013 3:24 PM Subscribe
About a month ago, I started dating an absolutely lovely man, and I immediately called things off with my friend with benefits at the time without much in the way of closure. I'm enjoying my time with the dating guy A LOT, but the fwb is texting and calling and I feel tempted. Help me with brain hacks to let go of this lust.
I'm a 27-year-old woman, and the dudes in question are 28-year-old men. The friends with benefits and I slept together on and off for about 7 months, and we never became more at his insistence -- there was a time when I would've wanted to date him, but we were both on the rebound and are incompatible in many ways that only became apparent as we hung out more. Nonetheless, the sex was solid/fun/silly, and we had a good time.
Now, I've started dating-dating a guy, and I'm pretty crazy about him. We have fantastic and frequent sex. However, the fwb guy has been sending me late night texts, and they are kind of filling me with lust. I told the dating guy that the friends with benefits is still texting me, and I've told the fwb that I'm not interested in sleeping with him since I'm with someone else. Basically, I want myself to quit wanting to sleep with the fwb -- I actually have better sex with the guy I'm dating, but some weird part of my brain still wants the fwb. Help me train my brain to not want him, Metafilter!
Other relevant info: guy I'm dating and I are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend, but we've discussed it and are sexually exclusive.
I'm a 27-year-old woman, and the dudes in question are 28-year-old men. The friends with benefits and I slept together on and off for about 7 months, and we never became more at his insistence -- there was a time when I would've wanted to date him, but we were both on the rebound and are incompatible in many ways that only became apparent as we hung out more. Nonetheless, the sex was solid/fun/silly, and we had a good time.
Now, I've started dating-dating a guy, and I'm pretty crazy about him. We have fantastic and frequent sex. However, the fwb guy has been sending me late night texts, and they are kind of filling me with lust. I told the dating guy that the friends with benefits is still texting me, and I've told the fwb that I'm not interested in sleeping with him since I'm with someone else. Basically, I want myself to quit wanting to sleep with the fwb -- I actually have better sex with the guy I'm dating, but some weird part of my brain still wants the fwb. Help me train my brain to not want him, Metafilter!
Other relevant info: guy I'm dating and I are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend, but we've discussed it and are sexually exclusive.
The fact that you are having better sex with the new guy suggests to me that this is not about sex but power. You previously felt like he got to decide whether you had a relationship or not and your new relationship has shifted the balance in a new intoxicating way. I know it's compelling but I think seeing it for what it is and putting it out of your mind may help.
New guy sounds great. Ignore your sabotaging brain and tell fwb benefits guy to respect your new relationship and back right off.
posted by Dorothia at 3:31 PM on June 27, 2013 [16 favorites]
New guy sounds great. Ignore your sabotaging brain and tell fwb benefits guy to respect your new relationship and back right off.
posted by Dorothia at 3:31 PM on June 27, 2013 [16 favorites]
The first thing you need to do is tell former FWB - dude to quit with these late night texts. Don't be ambiguous about it - just tell him it needs to stop.
Letting that shit go on is like keeping a king size bar of chocolate in the house when you're on a diet.
posted by Broseph at 3:32 PM on June 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
Letting that shit go on is like keeping a king size bar of chocolate in the house when you're on a diet.
posted by Broseph at 3:32 PM on June 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
Change his name in your phone contacts. "You have 1 new message from Seriously Bad Idea!"
posted by Catseye at 3:38 PM on June 27, 2013 [31 favorites]
posted by Catseye at 3:38 PM on June 27, 2013 [31 favorites]
Just go ahead and block his number. You already told him no, so he knows he's overstepping his bounds, and you're feeling tempted, so blocking the number removes the temptation.
posted by davejay at 3:40 PM on June 27, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by davejay at 3:40 PM on June 27, 2013 [12 favorites]
Seconding blocking his number. There's no temptation if you don't get the texts.
posted by Dynex at 3:45 PM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Dynex at 3:45 PM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Have you told him "sorry, I've started seeing someone and can't hook up anymore"?
If you haven't, tell him so ASAP, and be clear about it. If you have, and yet he persists with the texts, then he's not respecting you or your relationship. Keep that in mind whenever you find yourself tempted to respond to this dude.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:48 PM on June 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
If you haven't, tell him so ASAP, and be clear about it. If you have, and yet he persists with the texts, then he's not respecting you or your relationship. Keep that in mind whenever you find yourself tempted to respond to this dude.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:48 PM on June 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
What do you mean that there wasn't much closure? Your FWB may not be completely clear on the situation. Sure, you told him that you couldn't because of your gentleman friend. But does that mean not tonight or not ever again? Create that closure and do it with at least a phone call. A FWB is a friend and you wouldn't say goodbye to a friend via text.
posted by munchingzombie at 3:48 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by munchingzombie at 3:48 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Stop calling and texting me. I do not want to talk to you, see you, or have any contact with you of any kind. Any further contact with you is unwanted, and I will ignore it. Please respect my decision about this, and do not contact me again."
Then, block his number and do not engage in any way. If this guy persists in trying to get in touch with you after you've given him a clear, firm message that his messages are unwanted, then he is harassing you. At that point, I'd recommend Metafilter classic The Gift of Fear for advice about how to deal with him next.
posted by decathecting at 3:49 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Then, block his number and do not engage in any way. If this guy persists in trying to get in touch with you after you've given him a clear, firm message that his messages are unwanted, then he is harassing you. At that point, I'd recommend Metafilter classic The Gift of Fear for advice about how to deal with him next.
posted by decathecting at 3:49 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
What's the problem - just tell him to fuck off. Block him and be done with it.
posted by heyjude at 4:00 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by heyjude at 4:00 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, you don't need "hacks". Tell him to stop texting you, full stop. If he doesn't, block his number.
posted by Justinian at 4:03 PM on June 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Justinian at 4:03 PM on June 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
Convert the lust into annoyance or mild anger. You told him you were done, so why isn't he respecting that? WTF? Is he a creep who pushes himself on people who aren't interested? Ew.
posted by salvia at 4:26 PM on June 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by salvia at 4:26 PM on June 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
Don't self-sabotage this relationship for a guy who told you in the past he doesn't want to date you.
Of course now that he can't have you, he's trying to get you. But after he does it will just be the same old story. Let it go, move on, and if for some reason your new relationship doesn't work out and you want to hook up with this guy again, contact him then.
Just a warning: whether you actively break it off or just do the fade out thing, he may accuse you of being cold, or start coming on to you even more strongly. These are warning signs of someone who doesn't respect you. Be strong!
posted by koakuma at 4:36 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Of course now that he can't have you, he's trying to get you. But after he does it will just be the same old story. Let it go, move on, and if for some reason your new relationship doesn't work out and you want to hook up with this guy again, contact him then.
Just a warning: whether you actively break it off or just do the fade out thing, he may accuse you of being cold, or start coming on to you even more strongly. These are warning signs of someone who doesn't respect you. Be strong!
posted by koakuma at 4:36 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think the FWB thinks you are unable to control yourself and will not be able to resist the temptation of having sex with him. So you can think of those late night texts as being from an arrogant and inconsiderate person who thinks he can use you and take advantage of your weaknesses. If being treated so disrespectfully bothers you, then that should kill whatever desire for him you have leftover.
posted by Dansaman at 4:37 PM on June 27, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by Dansaman at 4:37 PM on June 27, 2013 [12 favorites]
Isn't one of the benefits of FWB is that it's supposed to be rather clear cut and dry, therefore obviating the need for things like "closure" when it's over?
I told the dating guy that the friends with benefits is still texting me
Why? That's not a need to know thing.
You don't need a brain hack because there's nothing wrong with having lustful thought about someone you used to bang, especially when you're not in a committed romantic relationship. It's the action that's the problem because you're in a sexually exclusive relationship (and yes, I do think there is a difference between the two). It doesn't sound like you are seriously considering doing it, so I don't think there's actually a problem here.
posted by sm1tten at 4:43 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I told the dating guy that the friends with benefits is still texting me
Why? That's not a need to know thing.
You don't need a brain hack because there's nothing wrong with having lustful thought about someone you used to bang, especially when you're not in a committed romantic relationship. It's the action that's the problem because you're in a sexually exclusive relationship (and yes, I do think there is a difference between the two). It doesn't sound like you are seriously considering doing it, so I don't think there's actually a problem here.
posted by sm1tten at 4:43 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, agreeing that this seems like a problem with a fairly simple solution.
Call Friend formerly known as FWB and say, "Hey, friend, just wanted to let you know I'm seeing someone and we're being exclusive at this point, so no more B for me! It's been fun, but I'd appreciate it if you'd stop with the sexy texts, not really appropriate at this point. Take care... bye!"
And that there is as much closure as either of you is really entitled to, under the normal understanding that exists in a FWB situation.
If he keeps texting or calling inappropriately, block his number. Problem of being tempted by his texts now solved.
And someone mentioned above that you might subconsciously be digging the drama or power shift of this. You may need to deal with those issues before you will feel ok about being direct and firm in shutting down former FWB.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:39 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Call Friend formerly known as FWB and say, "Hey, friend, just wanted to let you know I'm seeing someone and we're being exclusive at this point, so no more B for me! It's been fun, but I'd appreciate it if you'd stop with the sexy texts, not really appropriate at this point. Take care... bye!"
And that there is as much closure as either of you is really entitled to, under the normal understanding that exists in a FWB situation.
If he keeps texting or calling inappropriately, block his number. Problem of being tempted by his texts now solved.
And someone mentioned above that you might subconsciously be digging the drama or power shift of this. You may need to deal with those issues before you will feel ok about being direct and firm in shutting down former FWB.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:39 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure there are any hacks to be had here. Sounds like you're really still into the FWB guy, but aren't admitting it to yourself. I'm really of the mind that if Dating Guy were really doing it for you, you'd give no thought to FWB guy, but instead you're beside yourself with lust. That's not the feeling of a person who's satisfied with what she's got; that's someone who is trying (unsuccessfully) to be satisfied with what she's got.
I believe that you're really into FWB guy and his lack of interest in a relationship makes him even more attractive and sexy to you. I'm just not thinking you can "hack" your brain not to want what you want.
I told the dating guy that the friends with benefits is still texting me
Future reference, this is a huge turn-off for many of us guys. Way too much information and tacky.
posted by Unified Theory at 5:54 PM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
I believe that you're really into FWB guy and his lack of interest in a relationship makes him even more attractive and sexy to you. I'm just not thinking you can "hack" your brain not to want what you want.
I told the dating guy that the friends with benefits is still texting me
Future reference, this is a huge turn-off for many of us guys. Way too much information and tacky.
posted by Unified Theory at 5:54 PM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
I get random booty-call texts from guys I haven't seen in years, and I didn't even hook up with most of them. I think it might help to put this guy into perspective: he's doing the FWB equivalent of email spam marketing. It's not personal - it's annoying, and should get flagged as junk and deleted.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:06 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:06 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
He didn't want you as much as you wanted him. Now he is pursuing you. Of course it jerks your chain! But the way you need to think of it is: God, what an asshole! He will never be good to you. He had his shot.
Have one more discussion with him to try to get/give closure. Spell out that the fwb thing is over because you are pursuing a real relationship. If he doesn't stop texting after that, view that as sexual harrassment and stalking. Block the number and consider making a police report if it gets worse.
posted by Michele in California at 7:13 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Have one more discussion with him to try to get/give closure. Spell out that the fwb thing is over because you are pursuing a real relationship. If he doesn't stop texting after that, view that as sexual harrassment and stalking. Block the number and consider making a police report if it gets worse.
posted by Michele in California at 7:13 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Isn't one of the benefits of FWB is that it's supposed to be rather clear cut and dry, therefore obviating the need for things like "closure" when it's over?
Yes and no. No need to sit them down with the "we need to talk" seriousness. But they are human beings who have been kind to you. Creating closure with a conversation would be a decent thing. Fuck buddies aren't cum rags you toss away when you are done with them.
But, since we don't really know what the OP means it is difficult to tell if this conversation was had and he is just being a creep or if she just dropped off the face of the earth with the exception of a text.
posted by munchingzombie at 7:28 PM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yes and no. No need to sit them down with the "we need to talk" seriousness. But they are human beings who have been kind to you. Creating closure with a conversation would be a decent thing. Fuck buddies aren't cum rags you toss away when you are done with them.
But, since we don't really know what the OP means it is difficult to tell if this conversation was had and he is just being a creep or if she just dropped off the face of the earth with the exception of a text.
posted by munchingzombie at 7:28 PM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
I told the dating guy that the friends with benefits is still texting me
I'm getting a faint whiff of drama-seeking behavior here.
Do the right thing: set clear boundaries with the FWB, and uphold them.
Set clear boundaries with yourself as well -- don't dick around with your new guy's feelings by rubbing the old guy in his face. Choose to be strong and cool.
posted by nacho fries at 7:43 PM on June 27, 2013 [12 favorites]
I'm getting a faint whiff of drama-seeking behavior here.
Do the right thing: set clear boundaries with the FWB, and uphold them.
Set clear boundaries with yourself as well -- don't dick around with your new guy's feelings by rubbing the old guy in his face. Choose to be strong and cool.
posted by nacho fries at 7:43 PM on June 27, 2013 [12 favorites]
i'll go against the grain and say that "brain hacks" are a myth. the heart wants what the heart wants.
posted by cupcake1337 at 8:29 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by cupcake1337 at 8:29 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
...there was a time when I would've wanted to date him...
My take on it is that you never stopped wanting to date fwb guy only now you rationalize his non-commital attitude by saying you two were incompatible. He clearly excites you more than the guy you are dating and it's either because he genuinely has a spark you like or it's because he doesn't want to date you and that alone makes you yearn for him. If it's the former...then you need to move on and let him go because he has made it clear he doesn't want to take it any farther with you...if it's the latter you need to do some soul searching yourself in addition to letting him go.
Either way for the sake of the guy you are currently dating either give him your entire focus or realize he doesn't do it for you and cut him loose.
posted by jnnla at 10:42 PM on June 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
My take on it is that you never stopped wanting to date fwb guy only now you rationalize his non-commital attitude by saying you two were incompatible. He clearly excites you more than the guy you are dating and it's either because he genuinely has a spark you like or it's because he doesn't want to date you and that alone makes you yearn for him. If it's the former...then you need to move on and let him go because he has made it clear he doesn't want to take it any farther with you...if it's the latter you need to do some soul searching yourself in addition to letting him go.
Either way for the sake of the guy you are currently dating either give him your entire focus or realize he doesn't do it for you and cut him loose.
posted by jnnla at 10:42 PM on June 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
"Spell out that the fwb thing is
over because you are pursuing a
real relationship."
Are you sure you are? Who initiated that conversation and whose decision was it not to be BF/GF? (Like you wanted to be with FWB guy?)
Because your status now, as I see it, is that you are FWB with a possibility of more. Is it that you already know you aren't going to get more and are tempted to return to a situation where that is actually acknowledged? I don't think so, or you wouldn't have used that jealousy plot line on current not-BF.
I don't think you're admitting to yourself what you want, but settling for what you can get. You're not going to get much, in this mindset.
posted by tel3path at 5:33 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
over because you are pursuing a
real relationship."
Are you sure you are? Who initiated that conversation and whose decision was it not to be BF/GF? (Like you wanted to be with FWB guy?)
Because your status now, as I see it, is that you are FWB with a possibility of more. Is it that you already know you aren't going to get more and are tempted to return to a situation where that is actually acknowledged? I don't think so, or you wouldn't have used that jealousy plot line on current not-BF.
I don't think you're admitting to yourself what you want, but settling for what you can get. You're not going to get much, in this mindset.
posted by tel3path at 5:33 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Hey! OP here. Thanks for all the advice. A couple of thoughts:
1) Only reason I told new dude about the texts was that I got them while I was sleeping at his place, and he asked who in the world was texting at this hour. It felt more genuine to be like, "Oh, this dude I used to sleep with" versus "nobody!," but I get the potential drama-mongering and I'm trying to be aware of it.
2) I think the balance of power stuff is probably the root of it. I need to work through that and not let it sidetrack me from the awesome guy. What a productive way to think about it. I think there's also a part of me that feels like I've wanted to be desired my whole life, and rejecting that desire seems counterintuitive/wrong. But, seeing that former-FWB's desire comes from a pretty selfish/inconsiderate place helps to make it easier.
ANYWAY. Thank you all for the great advice!
(And, totally changed his name in my phone.)
posted by superlibby at 6:47 AM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
1) Only reason I told new dude about the texts was that I got them while I was sleeping at his place, and he asked who in the world was texting at this hour. It felt more genuine to be like, "Oh, this dude I used to sleep with" versus "nobody!," but I get the potential drama-mongering and I'm trying to be aware of it.
2) I think the balance of power stuff is probably the root of it. I need to work through that and not let it sidetrack me from the awesome guy. What a productive way to think about it. I think there's also a part of me that feels like I've wanted to be desired my whole life, and rejecting that desire seems counterintuitive/wrong. But, seeing that former-FWB's desire comes from a pretty selfish/inconsiderate place helps to make it easier.
ANYWAY. Thank you all for the great advice!
(And, totally changed his name in my phone.)
posted by superlibby at 6:47 AM on June 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think there's also a part of me that feels like I've wanted to be desired my whole life, and rejecting that desire seems counterintuitive/wrong.
Understood. Thing is, he didn't desire you enough to be much good for you - he hasn't earned it. Selling self short, etc.? Know what I mean?
posted by tel3path at 7:00 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Understood. Thing is, he didn't desire you enough to be much good for you - he hasn't earned it. Selling self short, etc.? Know what I mean?
posted by tel3path at 7:00 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think there's also a part of me that feels like I've wanted to be desired my whole life, and rejecting that desire seems counterintuitive/wrong.
There's a difference between a guy desiring you, and a guy desiring an easy orgasm. The FWB guy is only after the latter.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:05 AM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
There's a difference between a guy desiring you, and a guy desiring an easy orgasm. The FWB guy is only after the latter.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:05 AM on June 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Being desired is awesome. Being desired only because he can't have you is the stuff of which abusive relationships are made. You are not what he desires. Control over a commodity he is losing is the thing he desires. Go back to him now and it will be all about what he wants. I have dumped men for that sort of crap.
posted by Michele in California at 7:10 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Michele in California at 7:10 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Dont be too flattered. The FWB is not courting you, he is booty calling you. Late night texts are booty calls. Most likely, it worked before and he's hoping it will work again. If you have been clear with him that the benefits part of the friendship are over, then booty calling you indicates that he is also NOT a friend.
That alone should be enough to put you off.
posted by zia at 9:36 AM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
That alone should be enough to put you off.
posted by zia at 9:36 AM on June 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Done.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:29 PM on June 27, 2013 [20 favorites]