Help me manage my mother's mental health
June 3, 2013 1:45 PM Subscribe
My mum, who has never been the steadiest person in the world, is becoming increasingly interested in conspiracy theories and is recommending to her friends and neighbours that they run up their credit card debts because the banks are going to wipe all debts by the end of the summer when the 'good guys' fighting the 'cabal' take over the world system.
I will try to be brief but I'm afraid this might turn out long. I am an only child in my 30s. For all my life my mum has had her ups and downs. I would classify my childhood as having being filled with mild - moderate neglect by a nonetheless loving and well intentioned mother who just couldn't do any better than she did. My dad has always been a rock in my life and while he is a support to me he is understandably reluctant to get involved in my mum's life again.
She believes in any woo going and has been living an increasingly isolated life since I moved out in my mid teens to create a stable life for myself. Right now she is in another down swing and I'm at a loss to know what to do to help her. She reacts very badly to any suggestion that she might need some help, and while her increasing paranoia does make me think that medication could be helpful I don't know how to even begin persuading her to see a doctor. Another issue is that she is not terribly good at following instruction regarding meds and her self monitoring skills are low so I'm concerned that tweaking to get right meds and dosage would not go well.
I live on the other side of the country to her and see her about once a month at the moment and communicate every day or two by phone or skype. Even this level of contact is very draining for me and I am conscious of the need to maintain boundaries to protect my own mental well being, while at the same time wanting to do as much as possible to help her.
She has a tendency to hoard and her home and yard had become messy and dirty. The last weekend I spent at home I did a big clean up despite massive resistence from her. At one point she did say that the way she was living was terrible and thanked me for helping her but apart from that I just got abuse and resistance. Following that she has twice called me in an absolute rage, accusing me of conspiring in secret meetings against her with the rest of her family who she has fallen out with over the years, mostly due to her unreasonableness. The only reason I remain in contact with her is because she is my mum and I feel sorry for her. I knew I'd get blowback for doing a clean up but I also knew I could smooth things over with her (which I have done) as she values her relationship with me greatly , I still find the whole thing very distressing though.
Her grasp on reality seems to be slipping - she forms a narrative in her head about something that has happened and continues to believe that narrative even when repeatedly corrected. A mild example would be her thinking that I love spinach and serving it to me all the time despite repeatedly being told I don't eat it. A serious example is her telling people that a family member who died in tragic accident killed themselves despite my repeated correction - in this case she did stop telling the story but only after repeated and heated discussions with me about it. While she has always lived a bit more in her head than the world this tendency is getting more pronounced as time goes on and I am concerned about the implications as she ages.
She spends a lot of time following conspiracy sites on the internet and is utterly convinced of their truth as well as believing in fairies, horoscopes and any sort of mystical tale going really. She doesn't work and would often go a few days without interacting with other people in person. She has a tendency to lose her temper and have blazing rows with people over small issues (e.g. a plug) so her past and present are littered with people she doesn't speak to, including neighbours. We live in a country where she could avail of free medical treatment if she applied for it. I have done all I can to assist her in getting this approved, (more than once) but she must complete the final steps for approval herself and she constantly puts this on the long finger.
I hope the above is clear. I will provide clarity/extra details through the mods if required. I'm looking for suggestions for things I can do to help her and to keep myself on an even keel while I go about helping her.
I will try to be brief but I'm afraid this might turn out long. I am an only child in my 30s. For all my life my mum has had her ups and downs. I would classify my childhood as having being filled with mild - moderate neglect by a nonetheless loving and well intentioned mother who just couldn't do any better than she did. My dad has always been a rock in my life and while he is a support to me he is understandably reluctant to get involved in my mum's life again.
She believes in any woo going and has been living an increasingly isolated life since I moved out in my mid teens to create a stable life for myself. Right now she is in another down swing and I'm at a loss to know what to do to help her. She reacts very badly to any suggestion that she might need some help, and while her increasing paranoia does make me think that medication could be helpful I don't know how to even begin persuading her to see a doctor. Another issue is that she is not terribly good at following instruction regarding meds and her self monitoring skills are low so I'm concerned that tweaking to get right meds and dosage would not go well.
I live on the other side of the country to her and see her about once a month at the moment and communicate every day or two by phone or skype. Even this level of contact is very draining for me and I am conscious of the need to maintain boundaries to protect my own mental well being, while at the same time wanting to do as much as possible to help her.
She has a tendency to hoard and her home and yard had become messy and dirty. The last weekend I spent at home I did a big clean up despite massive resistence from her. At one point she did say that the way she was living was terrible and thanked me for helping her but apart from that I just got abuse and resistance. Following that she has twice called me in an absolute rage, accusing me of conspiring in secret meetings against her with the rest of her family who she has fallen out with over the years, mostly due to her unreasonableness. The only reason I remain in contact with her is because she is my mum and I feel sorry for her. I knew I'd get blowback for doing a clean up but I also knew I could smooth things over with her (which I have done) as she values her relationship with me greatly , I still find the whole thing very distressing though.
Her grasp on reality seems to be slipping - she forms a narrative in her head about something that has happened and continues to believe that narrative even when repeatedly corrected. A mild example would be her thinking that I love spinach and serving it to me all the time despite repeatedly being told I don't eat it. A serious example is her telling people that a family member who died in tragic accident killed themselves despite my repeated correction - in this case she did stop telling the story but only after repeated and heated discussions with me about it. While she has always lived a bit more in her head than the world this tendency is getting more pronounced as time goes on and I am concerned about the implications as she ages.
She spends a lot of time following conspiracy sites on the internet and is utterly convinced of their truth as well as believing in fairies, horoscopes and any sort of mystical tale going really. She doesn't work and would often go a few days without interacting with other people in person. She has a tendency to lose her temper and have blazing rows with people over small issues (e.g. a plug) so her past and present are littered with people she doesn't speak to, including neighbours. We live in a country where she could avail of free medical treatment if she applied for it. I have done all I can to assist her in getting this approved, (more than once) but she must complete the final steps for approval herself and she constantly puts this on the long finger.
I hope the above is clear. I will provide clarity/extra details through the mods if required. I'm looking for suggestions for things I can do to help her and to keep myself on an even keel while I go about helping her.
I'm in the US, and mental health care where you live may be different. It's hard to force someone to get care when the behavior is not causing trouble for police, employer, etc. Does she have good credit and assets to lose? If so, getting help from social services, and becoming her financial guardian might protect her, but requires tremendous effort, and will probably send her into a massive tizz. In any case, do see what local resources are available and try to get help for her.
Sounds like you've done a fantastic job of loving her but disengaging enough to protect yourself, and it's possible that you can't protect her from her mental health issues. It's very sad, but people are often able to be pretty unwell, and screw up their lives, and can't be prevented. It's reasonable and okay to decide to love her, visit her, and not take responsibility for her. I'm so sorry you and she have to go through this.
posted by theora55 at 2:19 PM on June 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
Sounds like you've done a fantastic job of loving her but disengaging enough to protect yourself, and it's possible that you can't protect her from her mental health issues. It's very sad, but people are often able to be pretty unwell, and screw up their lives, and can't be prevented. It's reasonable and okay to decide to love her, visit her, and not take responsibility for her. I'm so sorry you and she have to go through this.
posted by theora55 at 2:19 PM on June 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
You told this all very well, and sound measured and rational which is amazing considering how stressful it sounds. I do think "escalating" is terribly frightening and it's finally time, after years of "managing" your mum, to get professional help, as RB recommends. And by the way, I understand your dad's reluctance, but I do think you have the right to ask for support of YOU, not her. Think through some concrete ways he might help you out, without getting close to your mother.
Don't wait. This is way more than one person can handle, even as good a son/daughter as you clearly are.
posted by thinkpiece at 2:20 PM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't wait. This is way more than one person can handle, even as good a son/daughter as you clearly are.
posted by thinkpiece at 2:20 PM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Are there aunts,uncles, cousins, family friend who are closer geographically than you? Assuming that mum and dad are separated, it seems that any help for your mum will come from you.
Ruthless Bunny ( above) might have the best course for you. From your description, you will either need to ignore your mother's lifestyle until she gets in real trouble, or intervene now. Have you thought of the options? If her house is no longer well cared for, should she be put into an institution? Or should you arrange for a weekly cleaner? If she is giving money to woo projects, should you seek power of attorney? Pretty drastic and pretty difficult from your distance. Have you considered having her come to live with you? I am sorry that you are in this situation.
posted by Cranberry at 2:21 PM on June 3, 2013
Ruthless Bunny ( above) might have the best course for you. From your description, you will either need to ignore your mother's lifestyle until she gets in real trouble, or intervene now. Have you thought of the options? If her house is no longer well cared for, should she be put into an institution? Or should you arrange for a weekly cleaner? If she is giving money to woo projects, should you seek power of attorney? Pretty drastic and pretty difficult from your distance. Have you considered having her come to live with you? I am sorry that you are in this situation.
posted by Cranberry at 2:21 PM on June 3, 2013
On the front page, you made it sound like your mom is in imminent danger of committing credit fraud, but you backed away from that entirely inside.
Unless I misread your inside explanation and she IS in imminent danger of committing some financial crime (in which case, lawyer, stat!!) I respectfully suggest for now that you focus on her hoarding, poor relationships, and practical instability such that she is unable to hold a job, clean her home, has acute anger issues, etc..
I hate to break this to you, but horoscopes are printed in most newspapers and magazines, and even mainstream internet sites like Yahoo.com. There are groups of extremely wealthy and immoral people who collude together to game financial systems in order to steal money, even if they wouldn't label what they do as criminal, per se. Icelanders take care not to build roads or other structures where fairies live - google it.
If you want to be effective when reaching out for help, you should emphasize her measurable difficulties, not judge her belief system. I know that's the cheap and easy thing to pick on here, but it's not the crux of her problem.
Try not to conflate issues as you start the process of reaching out for support. Conflating issues clouds the picture and keeps you from getting your mom the RELEVANT help she needs to be emotionally and financially stable.
Good luck.
It's hard to see a parent suffer in this manner. I know.
posted by jbenben at 3:34 PM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Unless I misread your inside explanation and she IS in imminent danger of committing some financial crime (in which case, lawyer, stat!!) I respectfully suggest for now that you focus on her hoarding, poor relationships, and practical instability such that she is unable to hold a job, clean her home, has acute anger issues, etc..
I hate to break this to you, but horoscopes are printed in most newspapers and magazines, and even mainstream internet sites like Yahoo.com. There are groups of extremely wealthy and immoral people who collude together to game financial systems in order to steal money, even if they wouldn't label what they do as criminal, per se. Icelanders take care not to build roads or other structures where fairies live - google it.
If you want to be effective when reaching out for help, you should emphasize her measurable difficulties, not judge her belief system. I know that's the cheap and easy thing to pick on here, but it's not the crux of her problem.
Try not to conflate issues as you start the process of reaching out for support. Conflating issues clouds the picture and keeps you from getting your mom the RELEVANT help she needs to be emotionally and financially stable.
Good luck.
It's hard to see a parent suffer in this manner. I know.
posted by jbenben at 3:34 PM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
I live on the other side of the country to her and see her about once a month at the moment and communicate every day or two by phone or skype. Even this level of contact is very draining for me
This is actually a pretty intense level of contact especially when you live on the other side of the country. (Even if it's a small country). As a comparison, I have what sounds like a better relationship with my mother than you do with yours, and I call her once a week at most. (More often once a fortnight). We email about that often too. I live a four hour flight away, and visit once a year. I think that my level of contact skews more towards the norm for people who live far away from parents than yours does.
What I'm saying is that no one would blame you if you wanted to reduce contact a little.
But yes, absolutely try to get other resources on board for her too. A social worker sounds a good place to start. You can also call her doctor and express your worries to them, even though the doctor will not be able to give you information in return. That way if she sees the doctor for any other issues later, he/she should screen for mental health problems too.
posted by lollusc at 3:36 PM on June 3, 2013
This is actually a pretty intense level of contact especially when you live on the other side of the country. (Even if it's a small country). As a comparison, I have what sounds like a better relationship with my mother than you do with yours, and I call her once a week at most. (More often once a fortnight). We email about that often too. I live a four hour flight away, and visit once a year. I think that my level of contact skews more towards the norm for people who live far away from parents than yours does.
What I'm saying is that no one would blame you if you wanted to reduce contact a little.
But yes, absolutely try to get other resources on board for her too. A social worker sounds a good place to start. You can also call her doctor and express your worries to them, even though the doctor will not be able to give you information in return. That way if she sees the doctor for any other issues later, he/she should screen for mental health problems too.
posted by lollusc at 3:36 PM on June 3, 2013
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks for your suggestions so far, I do appreciate them. I would just like to clarify a few things:posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:10 PM on June 3, 2013
I have cleaned up her house majorly and will keep on top of it when visiting so I'm not worried that it is/will become a health hazard.
The start of my question does sound like I'm more concerned about financial issues than I am. She is on social welfare. lives within her means and does not have access to credit. She owns her own home and would not sell it ever. I am concerned about the awful financial advice to neighbours because of the effect it will have on her remaining relationships. I will definitely be thinking about what jbenben said regarding focusing on the measurable difficulties.
I am pretty reluctant to involve social workers since a) she will go ballistic and b) the economy of my country is in the toilet and I'm not sure that she is in a serious enough situation to get prioritised for care. She doesn't have a gp so I don't have a doctor I can call with my concerns but I will contact local mental health advice services and see what my options are.
I am beginning to come around to the fact that I need outside help and it might be an impossible ask but I would still really like some advice on things that I myself can do to deal with the situation - whether by myself or in conjunction with assistance from some authority or other.
I strongly suggest you shift your focus from "getting approval for medical treatment" to "getting financial guardianship and/or connecting her with social welfare agencies." Getting guardianship, if at all possible, will do the most good; here in the US the Social Security Administration has a "representative payee" program that helps ensure that people who currently live within their means will continue to do so in the event dementia, etc., makes those kinds of decisions significantly harder for them. I can help you locate similar programs in your own country if you're not sure where to start (I'm good at that kind of thing.)
Also, quite frankly, stop rescuing her. If her house is a disaster, this is the time for authorities to step in - they need to see it, and see how bad it is, in order for her to become a priority for getting help.
And, well... go ahead and create a conspiracy of your immediate family members (people who are likely to interact with her, anyway) where you carefully outline why they should be cautious (and kind) with her. You need allies, and they shouldn't be kept in the dark, especially since how someone reacts to a false narrative or an exaggerated tale or a conspiracy theory or an exhortation to max out the credit cards is a huge part of how the paranoid individual's long-term attitude and behavior will change.
I also recommend changing the subject if she starts going in a paranoid or inappropriate direction: there's very little point in trying to argue her out of anything.
posted by SMPA at 4:22 PM on June 3, 2013
Also, quite frankly, stop rescuing her. If her house is a disaster, this is the time for authorities to step in - they need to see it, and see how bad it is, in order for her to become a priority for getting help.
And, well... go ahead and create a conspiracy of your immediate family members (people who are likely to interact with her, anyway) where you carefully outline why they should be cautious (and kind) with her. You need allies, and they shouldn't be kept in the dark, especially since how someone reacts to a false narrative or an exaggerated tale or a conspiracy theory or an exhortation to max out the credit cards is a huge part of how the paranoid individual's long-term attitude and behavior will change.
I also recommend changing the subject if she starts going in a paranoid or inappropriate direction: there's very little point in trying to argue her out of anything.
posted by SMPA at 4:22 PM on June 3, 2013
I am so sorry you're going through this. I have a similar situation with my mother, though we live in a country where she does not get free healthcare, and in fact extreme hypochondria and paying for quackery is one of the ways she expresses her paranoid tendencies. She concocts stories based on fleeting paranoid thoughts, and they become the bases of entire belief systems. She trespasses for fun. She has alienated nearly every friend and family member.
Unfortunately there is no good answer here, unless you can gain conservatorship or financial power of attorney or whatever your locale allows for assuming control of her financial affairs. As you say, she would go ballistic at a confrontation, and it sounds like you're looking for a workaround.
There really is no workaround. You either gain control in a practical sense, or you accept that you have no control whatsoever and let her fail in all the ways she's likely to until the failure is bad enough that legal action can change who is in control.
Feel free to memail me if you like. I don't have magic answers, but I'm currently trying to convince my mother to move closer to me (from 3+ hours away), so I can keep a closer eye on her deteriorating--but not yet actionable misfiring of--her mental health.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:38 PM on June 3, 2013
Unfortunately there is no good answer here, unless you can gain conservatorship or financial power of attorney or whatever your locale allows for assuming control of her financial affairs. As you say, she would go ballistic at a confrontation, and it sounds like you're looking for a workaround.
There really is no workaround. You either gain control in a practical sense, or you accept that you have no control whatsoever and let her fail in all the ways she's likely to until the failure is bad enough that legal action can change who is in control.
Feel free to memail me if you like. I don't have magic answers, but I'm currently trying to convince my mother to move closer to me (from 3+ hours away), so I can keep a closer eye on her deteriorating--but not yet actionable misfiring of--her mental health.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:38 PM on June 3, 2013
Only based on my experience with my own mother in the US, what you are describing is mental illness. Medication can help with some symptoms if treated. Since you have not yet explored that avenue of help, I would suggest that you start there. Can you go with her to a GP appointment and go from there? I'd describe things exactly as you have here. I am not a dr so I'll decline to be one on the Internet, but my mother exhibits these same behaviors and has been in treatment for a major mental illness for 40+ years. I go with her to almost all of her psychiatrist appointments because she tells the dr everything is rosy, and I tell about the conspiracy theories, the arguments with neighbors, the make-believe stories, the hoarding, and so on.
I just met with a US lawyer myself regarding guardianship, and in the US, this is considered a last resort. Honestly, this is really hard to accept (don't I know it!) but so much of this is beyond your control. Concentrate on what you can help with and try to let what she tells other people, conspiracy theories and all, go in one ear and out the other. Mainly, because you will never ever convince her otherwise.
posted by tamitang at 4:44 PM on June 3, 2013
I just met with a US lawyer myself regarding guardianship, and in the US, this is considered a last resort. Honestly, this is really hard to accept (don't I know it!) but so much of this is beyond your control. Concentrate on what you can help with and try to let what she tells other people, conspiracy theories and all, go in one ear and out the other. Mainly, because you will never ever convince her otherwise.
posted by tamitang at 4:44 PM on June 3, 2013
OP I think you are Australian based on your use of 'majorly'. If you tell us, through the mod contact form, which state you and your mother are in we can give you specific links.
posted by goo at 6:33 PM on June 3, 2013
posted by goo at 6:33 PM on June 3, 2013
I'm not an expert on this, but based on what I've read, if somebody is having trouble with hoarding issues, doing an intervention or cleaning up their space for them is actually counterproductive.
I say this not from any desire to make you feel bad — it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of difficult, scary stuff around this, and based on what you've written you're handling it well — but to illustrate that with mental illness, sometimes what seems like the obvious thing to do is actually the wrong thing to do. If you have any way to enlist professional help, it would be good to do so.
posted by Lexica at 7:24 PM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
I say this not from any desire to make you feel bad — it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of difficult, scary stuff around this, and based on what you've written you're handling it well — but to illustrate that with mental illness, sometimes what seems like the obvious thing to do is actually the wrong thing to do. If you have any way to enlist professional help, it would be good to do so.
posted by Lexica at 7:24 PM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mod note: From the OP:
I'm in Ireland.posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 1:23 AM on June 4, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
You are in over your head if you think you can do this without professionals.
Find out what your resources are, and then use them.
This is really hard and I'm sending you long distance hugs.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:01 PM on June 3, 2013 [8 favorites]