My dad would like to meet you but I told him you were away
May 31, 2013 8:27 AM Subscribe
BF of 3-4 months has dad visiting from way out of town, told me that he had lied to his dad about me not being around so we wouldn't meet each other.
BACKGROUND:
Having been set up by my colleague/friend and his best friend/roommate (B), I have been seeing A since December last year. We currently both live in my hometown, where he's an expat (and I have just returned as a repatriate a year ago). The exclusivity talk came around February this year, and this whole time everything has been progressing perfectly well. We spend time every weekend from Fri-Sun, see each other 1-2 during work days, met his friends, etc... He constantly plans things way ahead in the future to do with me (like arranging a 4-day getaway or getting tickets for a concert 2 months away), and we enjoy discussing about the Next Step - not in terms of our relationship, but our individual professional goals, and Big Plans. He knows that I am looking for a new job when July comes, and I have early in our relationship mentioned that I was also considering jobs in another country (where I went to university). I guess that really stuck with him, because recently whenever we talk about my work situation he would say something along the lines of "So you're looking into City X or City Y huh?" and I would say "Well, I'm looking into offices in 'Hometown' as well!" (because I want to be where he is too!! I like him a lot!! Plus my parents, whom I have been away from for 8 years while I studied abroad, are here and I love them and I don't want to regret not spending enough time with them.) He has also expressed once or twice casually that he hoped I would stay.
THE INCIDENT:
So 3 days ago his dad has flown into town (from 7 hours of flight away) to see him for a week. He has mentioned this and been talking about this since a month ago. His dad knows about me through his sister, whom he talks to fairly regularly. We never discussed whether I would meet him until around 2 weeks ago when he brought it up and said that he'd told his dad that I would be out of town so he wouldn't be meeting me. "So you're off the hook," he said jokingly while cuddling with me on the couch. It was a half-truth, since I AM actually going to be out of town for 2 weeks (to see my friends. But he has also asked me if I were going to look around for a new job) starting TOMORROW, I was still a bit disappointed because he made a point to not have us met, but then I remembered I have never introduced him to my own parents either and haven't planned to in the near future (just feel that it's a bit early right now). So I just smiled back and said "yeah", the best non-reply i could give.
Fast forward to today, I met up with him for lunch, and we talked about our day as usual. Turns out the night before he had invited B (my colleague, his best friend) and B's girlfriend for dinner and drinks with his dad, and they drank basically all the way to dawn. He told me how his dad had asked about me, and how they talked about little things about me (like my dog getting neutered), and how B almost busted his little lie by telling his dad I was in the area. He even eventually said, "you know, I should have asked you if you would like to meet my dad, but I guess I have already told him you were away." To which I just smiled and shrugged, a little bit pained. We parted hugging and him telling me to do call him and send him pictures of the trip.
After lunch, I decided I had to get it out before I hold a grudge for days when I will be away, so I texted him saying that "I would love to have met your dad, but I just figured you didn't want that. Say hello to him for me and have a great time! I will miss you this weekend x". He replied saying, "it's fine. it wasn't particularly important to me. I didn't want to put you under stress or pressure or whatever is involved in meeting somebody's parent mostly. It's all good, have a really great time...etc etc". SOMEBODY'S PARENT, the way he said it, really bugs me, it's like he was insinuating that we aren't serious. I just texted back "But you're not just somebody to me!" and left it at that.
Now I am hurt. I don't know if I'm being sensitive about this whole thing, but I just can't understand how he could (at least supposedly) talk about me openly with his dad but can't have me meet him. I didn't even want it before, but now I feel that I may have misread where we stand as a couple. But then we have only really gone out more seriously for 3-4 months, which does seem a bit early by my own standards. I think I am just more bothered by his preemptive move to prevent this from happening. Am I silly for feeling the way I feel? Am I reading too much into the situation? And do you think he just doesn't consider our relationship important enough for meeting his parent?
BACKGROUND:
Having been set up by my colleague/friend and his best friend/roommate (B), I have been seeing A since December last year. We currently both live in my hometown, where he's an expat (and I have just returned as a repatriate a year ago). The exclusivity talk came around February this year, and this whole time everything has been progressing perfectly well. We spend time every weekend from Fri-Sun, see each other 1-2 during work days, met his friends, etc... He constantly plans things way ahead in the future to do with me (like arranging a 4-day getaway or getting tickets for a concert 2 months away), and we enjoy discussing about the Next Step - not in terms of our relationship, but our individual professional goals, and Big Plans. He knows that I am looking for a new job when July comes, and I have early in our relationship mentioned that I was also considering jobs in another country (where I went to university). I guess that really stuck with him, because recently whenever we talk about my work situation he would say something along the lines of "So you're looking into City X or City Y huh?" and I would say "Well, I'm looking into offices in 'Hometown' as well!" (because I want to be where he is too!! I like him a lot!! Plus my parents, whom I have been away from for 8 years while I studied abroad, are here and I love them and I don't want to regret not spending enough time with them.) He has also expressed once or twice casually that he hoped I would stay.
THE INCIDENT:
So 3 days ago his dad has flown into town (from 7 hours of flight away) to see him for a week. He has mentioned this and been talking about this since a month ago. His dad knows about me through his sister, whom he talks to fairly regularly. We never discussed whether I would meet him until around 2 weeks ago when he brought it up and said that he'd told his dad that I would be out of town so he wouldn't be meeting me. "So you're off the hook," he said jokingly while cuddling with me on the couch. It was a half-truth, since I AM actually going to be out of town for 2 weeks (to see my friends. But he has also asked me if I were going to look around for a new job) starting TOMORROW, I was still a bit disappointed because he made a point to not have us met, but then I remembered I have never introduced him to my own parents either and haven't planned to in the near future (just feel that it's a bit early right now). So I just smiled back and said "yeah", the best non-reply i could give.
Fast forward to today, I met up with him for lunch, and we talked about our day as usual. Turns out the night before he had invited B (my colleague, his best friend) and B's girlfriend for dinner and drinks with his dad, and they drank basically all the way to dawn. He told me how his dad had asked about me, and how they talked about little things about me (like my dog getting neutered), and how B almost busted his little lie by telling his dad I was in the area. He even eventually said, "you know, I should have asked you if you would like to meet my dad, but I guess I have already told him you were away." To which I just smiled and shrugged, a little bit pained. We parted hugging and him telling me to do call him and send him pictures of the trip.
After lunch, I decided I had to get it out before I hold a grudge for days when I will be away, so I texted him saying that "I would love to have met your dad, but I just figured you didn't want that. Say hello to him for me and have a great time! I will miss you this weekend x". He replied saying, "it's fine. it wasn't particularly important to me. I didn't want to put you under stress or pressure or whatever is involved in meeting somebody's parent mostly. It's all good, have a really great time...etc etc". SOMEBODY'S PARENT, the way he said it, really bugs me, it's like he was insinuating that we aren't serious. I just texted back "But you're not just somebody to me!" and left it at that.
Now I am hurt. I don't know if I'm being sensitive about this whole thing, but I just can't understand how he could (at least supposedly) talk about me openly with his dad but can't have me meet him. I didn't even want it before, but now I feel that I may have misread where we stand as a couple. But then we have only really gone out more seriously for 3-4 months, which does seem a bit early by my own standards. I think I am just more bothered by his preemptive move to prevent this from happening. Am I silly for feeling the way I feel? Am I reading too much into the situation? And do you think he just doesn't consider our relationship important enough for meeting his parent?
I don't understand why "meeting the parents" is so loaded. If you're dating someone, no matter where it is on the 'serious scale' why would it be such a big whoop to be introduced?
Do this, since you want to meet his dad, just ask him if you can join them for drinks or dinner sometime this weekend.
Ask for what you want.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:34 AM on May 31, 2013 [6 favorites]
Do this, since you want to meet his dad, just ask him if you can join them for drinks or dinner sometime this weekend.
Ask for what you want.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:34 AM on May 31, 2013 [6 favorites]
And do you think he just doesn't consider our relationship important enough for meeting his parent?
Why would he? You live in the same city as your parents and you haven't introduced him to yours.
posted by txmon at 8:35 AM on May 31, 2013 [49 favorites]
Why would he? You live in the same city as your parents and you haven't introduced him to yours.
posted by txmon at 8:35 AM on May 31, 2013 [49 favorites]
For starters, you need to stop text fighting. You got that advice last time, too; you need to take it. Text is not the proper communication method to work out stuff like this. Talk about it in person. Tell him you were sad to miss out on meeting his Dad and you hope to meet him the next time he is in town.
Beyond that, I can understand being upset but he acknowledged he was wrong so I don't think you need to blow this up into proof he's not into you or anything like that. Every family is different; maybe he's not as close to his parents as you are to yours and having you meet his parents isn't the big deal meeting yours would be to you.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:35 AM on May 31, 2013 [10 favorites]
Beyond that, I can understand being upset but he acknowledged he was wrong so I don't think you need to blow this up into proof he's not into you or anything like that. Every family is different; maybe he's not as close to his parents as you are to yours and having you meet his parents isn't the big deal meeting yours would be to you.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:35 AM on May 31, 2013 [10 favorites]
I don't know if I'm being sensitive about this whole thing, but I just can't understand how he could (at least supposedly) talk about me openly with his dad but can't have me meet him.
I think you are frustrated because you had a few opportunities to clear this up before you were heading out of town and for whatever reason (nerves, passivity) didn't do that. So this is not just one thing "Hey I told my dad you weren't here" but a few things: interaction after that, hanging out with other friends, texting and all of them have had you sort of guessing what was up instead of just flat out asking.
Keep i nmind that for some people meeting SOs parents is something that is not enjoyable to them. They may have difficult relationships with their parents, they may put up with things in their parents that they would not expect you to put up with, their parents may be button pushers, who knows. I feel that putting off my SO meeting my folks for as long as possible is a kindness to them but I would definitely have that be a conversation with my SO and not just a unilateral decision. And to me that is what is going on here. Your SO made a unilateral decision about something affecting both of you and you didn't really like how that felt and then you stewed over it.
From my removed perspective your BFs text sounds very nice and open to whatever and you jumped all over him which seems like it was more about your baggage than whatever actually happened and especially what you SAID was happening. He's not a mind reader. Tell him what you want, don't expect him to pick up on secret clues and don't go nitpicking every word in his friendly messages to you seeing if you can ferret out secret apathetic feelings for you. It's your relationship too, make it the one you want.
posted by jessamyn at 8:38 AM on May 31, 2013 [8 favorites]
I think you are frustrated because you had a few opportunities to clear this up before you were heading out of town and for whatever reason (nerves, passivity) didn't do that. So this is not just one thing "Hey I told my dad you weren't here" but a few things: interaction after that, hanging out with other friends, texting and all of them have had you sort of guessing what was up instead of just flat out asking.
Keep i nmind that for some people meeting SOs parents is something that is not enjoyable to them. They may have difficult relationships with their parents, they may put up with things in their parents that they would not expect you to put up with, their parents may be button pushers, who knows. I feel that putting off my SO meeting my folks for as long as possible is a kindness to them but I would definitely have that be a conversation with my SO and not just a unilateral decision. And to me that is what is going on here. Your SO made a unilateral decision about something affecting both of you and you didn't really like how that felt and then you stewed over it.
From my removed perspective your BFs text sounds very nice and open to whatever and you jumped all over him which seems like it was more about your baggage than whatever actually happened and especially what you SAID was happening. He's not a mind reader. Tell him what you want, don't expect him to pick up on secret clues and don't go nitpicking every word in his friendly messages to you seeing if you can ferret out secret apathetic feelings for you. It's your relationship too, make it the one you want.
posted by jessamyn at 8:38 AM on May 31, 2013 [8 favorites]
There are so many reasons he may not have wanted you to meet his dad. Maybe he's ashamed of his dad. Maybe he thinks it would be genuinely uncomfortable for you and wants to spare you that. Maybe he thinks he's more into you than you are to him (reasonable given that you're looking for jobs elsewhere and haven't introduced him to your parents) and he is trying to pace himself and not scare you off.
The possibilities are endless and the only way to know is to have really open, frank conversations with him.
posted by whalebreath at 8:42 AM on May 31, 2013 [4 favorites]
The possibilities are endless and the only way to know is to have really open, frank conversations with him.
posted by whalebreath at 8:42 AM on May 31, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think you may be reading too much into this and overreacting. There could be various factors in what he did, but they may not be all that big of a deal. I think you can gradually learn more details when you have further talks with him.
posted by Dansaman at 8:46 AM on May 31, 2013
posted by Dansaman at 8:46 AM on May 31, 2013
I think he's projecting his own feelings about meeting parents onto you. A lot of people find that to be a high pressure situation, and something best to be avoided. Based on the fact that you haven't introduced him to your parents, who are apparently local, he's probably assumed that you feel the same way.
This is the sort of thing you could have and should have talked to him about in advance, but because he told the not-really-a-lie without talking to you first and because you then just held it all in and didn't raise your own feelings about it, it's become this big hidden drama, even though there's very little actual drama here.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:47 AM on May 31, 2013
This is the sort of thing you could have and should have talked to him about in advance, but because he told the not-really-a-lie without talking to you first and because you then just held it all in and didn't raise your own feelings about it, it's become this big hidden drama, even though there's very little actual drama here.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:47 AM on May 31, 2013
Yes, it's very possible that he thought he was doing you a favor by not meeting his dad. Sounds like that to me, from his texts. Sometimes those things are fraught with tension and too-high expectations on all sides. I think he was trying to spare you from all that.
posted by raisingsand at 8:53 AM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by raisingsand at 8:53 AM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
Wait, you think it's too soon for him to meet your parents (who live in the same town!) but you're upset that he assumed that you wouldn't want to meet his father either?
I mean, assumptions are stupid and he should have asked you outright, granted, but his is an entirely reasonable assumption: you think it's too soon to meet the parents.
He probably picked up on it and lied to his dad to avoid putting you in the position of having to tell your bf that you didn't want to meet his father yet or, since you may be gone come July, ever. You thinking of leaving probably just enhances his feelings of impermanence and instability in the relationship.
posted by lydhre at 8:54 AM on May 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
I mean, assumptions are stupid and he should have asked you outright, granted, but his is an entirely reasonable assumption: you think it's too soon to meet the parents.
He probably picked up on it and lied to his dad to avoid putting you in the position of having to tell your bf that you didn't want to meet his father yet or, since you may be gone come July, ever. You thinking of leaving probably just enhances his feelings of impermanence and instability in the relationship.
posted by lydhre at 8:54 AM on May 31, 2013 [2 favorites]
When he said "somebody's dad", he did not mean that he was just "somebody". He used "somebody's" instead of "my" because he was referring to the general cultural understanding that meeting somebody's parents is a Big Deal, rather than referring to this specific incident in which you are not meeting his dad. So.... yes, you're overreacting.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:55 AM on May 31, 2013 [15 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:55 AM on May 31, 2013 [15 favorites]
Some people's parent can be nice in general (or at least tolerable), but absolutely awful to the SO of their offspring. Just because they were all having fun drinking doesn't mean that your BF's father is a nice person, a lot of people are only nice when they drink.
posted by Joe Chip at 8:57 AM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Joe Chip at 8:57 AM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
You need to seriously ask yourself why you haven't introduced him to your parents yet. You've been spending a lot of time together since December, aren't your parents interested in meeting him, or are you keeping his existence a secret from them? Are you, your boyfriend, and/or your parents from a culture in which introducing someone to the parents means you're planning to get married? Is there something about him you think your parents won't like? What's going on?
I have 3 grown sons, I've been introduced to various girlfriends over the years without ever assuming I was being introduced because they might become daughters-in-law. They were introduced because my sons like me; I like them and their friends as people; they want me to meet their new friends.
If you didn't want to introduce him to your family even though you have presumably had many opportunities to do so, you shouldn't hold it against him for not sharing his dad during his brief visit.
posted by mareli at 9:29 AM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have 3 grown sons, I've been introduced to various girlfriends over the years without ever assuming I was being introduced because they might become daughters-in-law. They were introduced because my sons like me; I like them and their friends as people; they want me to meet their new friends.
If you didn't want to introduce him to your family even though you have presumably had many opportunities to do so, you shouldn't hold it against him for not sharing his dad during his brief visit.
posted by mareli at 9:29 AM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
Gah! Y'all are creating unnecessary drama for yourselves.
I don't think you can be mad about not meeting his dad this time around, primarily because you have not communicated AT ALL that it was something you wanted to do.
What you can do is confess the truth, which is that you didn't think it would be a big deal, but it turns out you ARE interested in meeting his family and hell, you'd like him to meet your family too.
(And express that minus shrugs or hoping he can read between the lines of what you're saying.)
Say what you mean and mean what you say. This simple rule will save you so much headache in life.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 9:47 AM on May 31, 2013 [7 favorites]
I don't think you can be mad about not meeting his dad this time around, primarily because you have not communicated AT ALL that it was something you wanted to do.
What you can do is confess the truth, which is that you didn't think it would be a big deal, but it turns out you ARE interested in meeting his family and hell, you'd like him to meet your family too.
(And express that minus shrugs or hoping he can read between the lines of what you're saying.)
Say what you mean and mean what you say. This simple rule will save you so much headache in life.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 9:47 AM on May 31, 2013 [7 favorites]
I was still a bit disappointed because he made a point to not have us met, but then I remembered I have never introduced him to my own parents either and haven't planned to in the near future (just feel that it's a bit early right now)
It's unclear why you're holding him to a different standard than you're holding yourself.
posted by leopard at 9:47 AM on May 31, 2013 [9 favorites]
It's unclear why you're holding him to a different standard than you're holding yourself.
posted by leopard at 9:47 AM on May 31, 2013 [9 favorites]
It's also possible that he took the invisible cue from you not introducing him to your parents to mean that you didn't want to meet his dad.
Basically, your only solution here is to talk to one another. I feel like y'all are both trying to read minds, and that doesn't really work. It doesn't have to be heavy and serious, just, "Hey, I was thinking about how I didn't meet your dad, and how I kind of actually wanted to, which I didn't make clear because I was nervous and felt like maybe you didn't want me to meet him and I didn't want to impose. Anyhow, do you want to meet my folks? I'd like for you to meet them if you're ready."
Done. No mind reading, just a straightforward and friendly conversation. If he says no, that's cool; if he says yes, that's cool, too. You can't know if you are overstepping a boundary of some sort until you do it (in this case, the invisible boundary is "meeting the parents" but you don't really know where he stands on it) so just be open, honest, kind, and nice about it, and everything will work out. If he says no and that upsets you, that gives you something to think about - it's good information to have either way.
Now, I'm assuming that you do want him to meet your parents, but that you haven't asked because you are nervous that he will say no, or you are worried that it will make you "seem" like you're more into him than you want him to think you are, or something like that. My only advice on this is: guessing and trying to feel out and predict the boundaries of another person is so much more fraught and dangerous than just asking that person what their boundaries are. Obviously, approach it kindly and with respect, but be honest and straightforward.
Also, if you don't want him to meet your parents for another reason (e.g. your mom is really overbearing and will ask him when you're getting married; you have a family member that drinks too much and says inappropriate things; whatever) that's totally fine. You don't have to ask him to meet your parents right now if you're not ready for some reason, but you may also want to consider that he's not ready for that, either. But you won't have to consider and guess about it for long, because you're going to talk (not text) with him about this, right?
posted by k8lin at 9:56 AM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
Basically, your only solution here is to talk to one another. I feel like y'all are both trying to read minds, and that doesn't really work. It doesn't have to be heavy and serious, just, "Hey, I was thinking about how I didn't meet your dad, and how I kind of actually wanted to, which I didn't make clear because I was nervous and felt like maybe you didn't want me to meet him and I didn't want to impose. Anyhow, do you want to meet my folks? I'd like for you to meet them if you're ready."
Done. No mind reading, just a straightforward and friendly conversation. If he says no, that's cool; if he says yes, that's cool, too. You can't know if you are overstepping a boundary of some sort until you do it (in this case, the invisible boundary is "meeting the parents" but you don't really know where he stands on it) so just be open, honest, kind, and nice about it, and everything will work out. If he says no and that upsets you, that gives you something to think about - it's good information to have either way.
Now, I'm assuming that you do want him to meet your parents, but that you haven't asked because you are nervous that he will say no, or you are worried that it will make you "seem" like you're more into him than you want him to think you are, or something like that. My only advice on this is: guessing and trying to feel out and predict the boundaries of another person is so much more fraught and dangerous than just asking that person what their boundaries are. Obviously, approach it kindly and with respect, but be honest and straightforward.
Also, if you don't want him to meet your parents for another reason (e.g. your mom is really overbearing and will ask him when you're getting married; you have a family member that drinks too much and says inappropriate things; whatever) that's totally fine. You don't have to ask him to meet your parents right now if you're not ready for some reason, but you may also want to consider that he's not ready for that, either. But you won't have to consider and guess about it for long, because you're going to talk (not text) with him about this, right?
posted by k8lin at 9:56 AM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
Why would he consider your relationship important enough to introduce to his dad?
You haven't introduced him to your own parents, because you think it is too early. You don't discuss having a future together (buying concert tickets doesn't count), and you are telling him you might be moving to a different city or country in a month .
He knows that I am looking for a new job when July comes, and I have early in our relationship mentioned that I was also considering jobs in another country (where I went to university). I guess that really stuck with him, because recently whenever we talk about my work situation he would say something along the lines of "So you're looking into City X or City Y huh?" and I would say "Well, I'm looking into offices in 'Hometown' as well!"
This is a pretty bizarre and confusing thing to say to a person you a dating. You're basically telling him that you might be ending your relationship with him in a few months, but you haven't made up your mind yet. From your previous question, I think it's clear you need to stop overthinking text messages and have a real conversation, because I don't think either of you know where you stand with the other, and you seem to be sending out some very mixed signals.
posted by inertia at 10:54 AM on May 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
You haven't introduced him to your own parents, because you think it is too early. You don't discuss having a future together (buying concert tickets doesn't count), and you are telling him you might be moving to a different city or country in a month .
He knows that I am looking for a new job when July comes, and I have early in our relationship mentioned that I was also considering jobs in another country (where I went to university). I guess that really stuck with him, because recently whenever we talk about my work situation he would say something along the lines of "So you're looking into City X or City Y huh?" and I would say "Well, I'm looking into offices in 'Hometown' as well!"
This is a pretty bizarre and confusing thing to say to a person you a dating. You're basically telling him that you might be ending your relationship with him in a few months, but you haven't made up your mind yet. From your previous question, I think it's clear you need to stop overthinking text messages and have a real conversation, because I don't think either of you know where you stand with the other, and you seem to be sending out some very mixed signals.
posted by inertia at 10:54 AM on May 31, 2013 [3 favorites]
Seems to me that he told you in advance of what he was doing, and you sorta went along with it. You didn't object to it when he first brought it up, and you didn't object to it when he opened the door for it at that lunch.
If you don't tell him, how is he supposed to know this isn't what you want? Especially against a background where you haven't introduced him to your parents?
Of course, you're prefectly entitled to want to meet his dad. Of course. But you have to tell him that. It's not quite fair to be mad at him, when every sign he's gotten told him what he was doing was fine by you.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:57 AM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you don't tell him, how is he supposed to know this isn't what you want? Especially against a background where you haven't introduced him to your parents?
Of course, you're prefectly entitled to want to meet his dad. Of course. But you have to tell him that. It's not quite fair to be mad at him, when every sign he's gotten told him what he was doing was fine by you.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:57 AM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
You are twisting his words into the darkest possible construction. "Somebody's dad" is an obvious reference to the cultural norm of meeting parents being stressful, awkward and/or a big deal.
And do you think he just doesn't consider our relationship important enough for meeting his parent?
It might not be important to him that his girlfriend meets his parents. You haven't introduced him to yours.
Or maybe he hasn't seen is Dad in a while and wanted to spend one-on-one time with him.
posted by spaltavian at 11:02 AM on May 31, 2013
And do you think he just doesn't consider our relationship important enough for meeting his parent?
It might not be important to him that his girlfriend meets his parents. You haven't introduced him to yours.
Or maybe he hasn't seen is Dad in a while and wanted to spend one-on-one time with him.
posted by spaltavian at 11:02 AM on May 31, 2013
1) I'm one of those people who sees no big deal in meeting parents. Maybe because I am super close to my dad? I don't know. My husband met my dad formally at the one month mark, because my dad came to pick me up from college and we all went out to lunch.
Just because he met my dad didn't mean anything necessarily about our relationship. It just meant I wanted him to meet the person I was dating.
I also met other SO's parents really early, either because they took me to their house or I was in high school and it was normal to meet them the first week you are dating.
2) Agreed, your standards are confusing. You sound like you want to do what you want to do, but you want the opposite actions from him. You need to figure that out before I think you can even have a conversation about it. Right now it's pretty hypocritical, and I think if you bring up that you were upset, he may be upset that he hasn't met your parents either.
3) Please stop texting. Your profile says you are 25, not to be harsh, but grow up on that end. I know texting is the "go-to" now, but just call him up! It takes less effort and it's much easier to not read into things. You can even text him and say, "I'm upset can I call you?" So he knows it's coming, but hanging on every word in a text is destructive.
4) Finally, yeah, you held your feelings in, then got mad about it later. You could have had a conversation with him right away when he told you about his dad coming into town. It's not like he did any further actions that upset you, he just did what he told you he was going to do in the first place - that you kind of agreed to.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:10 AM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just because he met my dad didn't mean anything necessarily about our relationship. It just meant I wanted him to meet the person I was dating.
I also met other SO's parents really early, either because they took me to their house or I was in high school and it was normal to meet them the first week you are dating.
2) Agreed, your standards are confusing. You sound like you want to do what you want to do, but you want the opposite actions from him. You need to figure that out before I think you can even have a conversation about it. Right now it's pretty hypocritical, and I think if you bring up that you were upset, he may be upset that he hasn't met your parents either.
3) Please stop texting. Your profile says you are 25, not to be harsh, but grow up on that end. I know texting is the "go-to" now, but just call him up! It takes less effort and it's much easier to not read into things. You can even text him and say, "I'm upset can I call you?" So he knows it's coming, but hanging on every word in a text is destructive.
4) Finally, yeah, you held your feelings in, then got mad about it later. You could have had a conversation with him right away when he told you about his dad coming into town. It's not like he did any further actions that upset you, he just did what he told you he was going to do in the first place - that you kind of agreed to.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:10 AM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
Many people don't introduce someone to their parents until they're ready to get engaged.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:33 AM on May 31, 2013
posted by Jacqueline at 11:33 AM on May 31, 2013
Response by poster: Hi all, I see that my passivity and texting have been recurring themes in my questions (predominantly relationship ones, too. think I'm particularly struggling in this department). While texting is going to be an old habit & a terrible crutch then I will need to work on ridding (i'm already a bit better about it i swear!), I think my reluctance to say anything when he first mentioned himself giving his dad an excuse was due to the fact that I took it that he had made it clear in his own way that he didn't want me to meet his dad, since he simply told me about what he had decided for the situation, instead of directly asking me if i would like to meet him (as jessamyn has eloquently pointed out). I just thought it would be imposing to ask.
As for the hypocrisy in not having introduced him to my own parents (who do know about him)? I...just don't want to put him in an uncomfortable position this early in the relationship I guess. I haven't brought home anybody since 4 years ago. Part of that has to do with the fact that he is the first person I've dated seriously while I'm physically in the same town as my family, so over time it's built up to a point where whoever I bring home now is going to really make an impression on my parents no matter what. Until I feel very very comfortable with somebody I'm seeing, I don't want to my parents to be asking about him long after we break up, if we do, for whatever reason. So yeah...I think it's a case of emotions trumping logic.
posted by 01080591 at 11:34 AM on May 31, 2013
As for the hypocrisy in not having introduced him to my own parents (who do know about him)? I...just don't want to put him in an uncomfortable position this early in the relationship I guess. I haven't brought home anybody since 4 years ago. Part of that has to do with the fact that he is the first person I've dated seriously while I'm physically in the same town as my family, so over time it's built up to a point where whoever I bring home now is going to really make an impression on my parents no matter what. Until I feel very very comfortable with somebody I'm seeing, I don't want to my parents to be asking about him long after we break up, if we do, for whatever reason. So yeah...I think it's a case of emotions trumping logic.
posted by 01080591 at 11:34 AM on May 31, 2013
I don't understand why "meeting the parents" is so loaded. If you're dating someone, no matter where it is on the 'serious scale' why would it be such a big whoop to be introduced?
Do this, since you want to meet his dad, just ask him if you can join them for drinks or dinner sometime this weekend.
Ask for what you want
By all means ask for what you want. It won't hurt. But speaking as someone who has a father that in the past on multiple occasions has actually attempted to murder me, I'd say just drop it. It is possible that their relationship is so crazy and he has to be so defensive with his father that he just doesn't want to give his father something that he could use to hurt him. I know that the one day a year I am around my father, my eyes don't go away from him, I am constantly watching his hands, and all dangerous items that may be around him, and never ever letting him behind me. I know that my example is extreme, but not rare. Families are more than complicated, and there may be other reasons.
I seriously doubt that he is ashamed of you, and that being the reason he wouldn't want you guys to meet. My SO has only seen my father once, from a car window, and my Father told him that if he got out of the car he'd kill him, and that was like four years into our relationship. You haven't been together more than a year, so you still have time, and this doesn't throw any red flags up for me at all, even with meeting other friends and not you part of it. How do you know that his father doesn't have some crazy history of sexually hitting on his sons girlfriends? Granted long shot but stranger things have happened. Don't force this. Let them work whatever it is out.
I'd drop it, and wait until Christmas.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 11:44 AM on May 31, 2013
I...just don't want to put him in an uncomfortable position this early in the relationship I guess.
This is a very normal thing to think and feel. He probably feels the same way. And may also not want to put himself in an uncomfortable postion. Some people's parents can be a bit much; a lot of people can endure their parents but don't like to subject other people to them.
posted by spaltavian at 11:49 AM on May 31, 2013 [6 favorites]
This is a very normal thing to think and feel. He probably feels the same way. And may also not want to put himself in an uncomfortable postion. Some people's parents can be a bit much; a lot of people can endure their parents but don't like to subject other people to them.
posted by spaltavian at 11:49 AM on May 31, 2013 [6 favorites]
For next time, if there is one:
"Hey, I actually want to meet your dad. Why don't you call him and tell him it turns out my plans have changed, so we can all go out to dinner?"
And then have that conversation, instead of this one.
posted by davejay at 1:20 PM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Hey, I actually want to meet your dad. Why don't you call him and tell him it turns out my plans have changed, so we can all go out to dinner?"
And then have that conversation, instead of this one.
posted by davejay at 1:20 PM on May 31, 2013 [1 favorite]
Well, you haven't introduced him to your parents and you've suggested you would move countries for work.
What do you think he's thinking?
posted by heyjude at 9:19 PM on May 31, 2013
What do you think he's thinking?
posted by heyjude at 9:19 PM on May 31, 2013
So yeah...I think it's a case of emotions trumping logic
Yup.
You are saying things to him different from your feelings and holding him to standards that you don't apply reciprocally. You need to stop talking around subjects and trying to "coax" or "trick" him into revealing what he really means about hings.
To get him to know what you want... Tell him what you want.
To get to know what he wants, Just ask... clearly.
posted by French Fry at 12:50 PM on June 1, 2013
Yup.
You are saying things to him different from your feelings and holding him to standards that you don't apply reciprocally. You need to stop talking around subjects and trying to "coax" or "trick" him into revealing what he really means about hings.
To get him to know what you want... Tell him what you want.
To get to know what he wants, Just ask... clearly.
posted by French Fry at 12:50 PM on June 1, 2013
More simply: Never try to read someone's mind. Never expect them to read yours.
posted by French Fry at 12:53 PM on June 1, 2013
posted by French Fry at 12:53 PM on June 1, 2013
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Your 'standards' are clearly not in line with your actual feelings. You want to meet his dad. You're allowed to want that.
Honestly, it sounds like your statement that you're considering looking for work elsewhere has made him feel that HE isn't important to YOU, and maybe he didn't want to introduce his dad to a woman who he thinks is preparing to dump him in two months.
Rather than beating around the bush by saying stuff like "you're not just somebody to me," perhaps you should actually sit down with him and clarify the terms of your relationship. If you want to be more serious and committed, say so!
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:33 AM on May 31, 2013 [6 favorites]