when is it reasonable to take down the online dating profile?

May 30, 2013 6:38 PM

when to expect the person you met online to stop looking and remove their profiles?

I am a female in my early 30's. Recently met a guy who is also in his 30s through an online dating website. Exchanged few emails for a couple of weeks and we finally met 3 weeks ago. The first date went well and he asked me if I was interested to meet again. I liked him so I agreed. In the past 3 weeks things have moved a bit fast. we have had about 5 dates, which a couple of them were sleepovers and we slept together a couple of days ago. Things seem to be going well and it seems like we like each other. He texts everyday and calls every couple of days. I have to say that in the first week or so he was texting more during the day but now I just receive a couple of quick ones during the day him asking how my day is going and such! During one of the sleepovers I asked if he was seeing other people and said that he didn't have to answer if he doesn't want to but he said that he was not seeing anyone and it did not seem that he was lying.

I removed my online dating profile before we met (not because of him, just because I was no using it a lot and preferred to remove my profile) but his profile is still there and he doesn't seems to be very active on that website (he has not been on it for a few days now). Today I discovered that he is also on a different dating website and seems to be pretty active on there.

I like this guy and want to see where things go but seeing him being active on dating websites kind of bothers me. For example, today he was on his on the dating website a bunch of times as far as I could tell. I know it has only been 3 weeks and I understand it is way too early to have the exclusivity talk But I just want to know when to expect the person you are dating to remove their online dating profile? at what point should I bring it up if he is still actively shopping? Is it unreasonable to be bothered by him still looking?
is it a red flag that he is still actively looking? should I be concerned?

I would really appreciate your thoughts!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total)

I know it has only been 3 weeks and I understand it is way too early to have the exclusivity talk...

It doesn't sound like it's too early for you to have the exclusivity talk. This is bothering you, and you should talk to him about it.

Frankly, him saying he doesn't have to answer questions if he doesn't want to - questions that may, for example, impact whether or not you want to become more intimate with him - that's a red flag to me.

Obviously, you should approach this kindly and with respect, but it needs to be discussed.

I kind of wouldn't expect someone to remove his profile until after we had the "exclusivity talk," but it doesn't really matter what I would expect or desire - it matters how you feel about it.
posted by k8lin at 6:45 PM on May 30, 2013 [5 favorites]

For example, today he was on his on the dating website a bunch of times as far as I could tell.

For one thing: How can you tell, unless you're on yourself?

For another: My rule of thumb, as someone who's used online dating sites extensively and is currently in a relationship with someone I met on okcupid, is that until and unless we're officially exclusive, I stay "single," in at least the most basic formal sense.

Though honestly, my real advice here is more like stop looking at his damn dating site activity. Judge your relationship by its actual contents, by your closeness and enjoyment of one another, rather than trying to read the tea leaves and giving yourself endless material for paranoid stress that will only damage your enjoyment of the time you spend with him that might lead to actual relationship problems.
posted by Tomorrowful at 6:45 PM on May 30, 2013 [15 favorites]

Just a warning: OkCupid has a feature that lets you fake-delete your profile. It looks like you've deleted it, and it basically is deleted, but with one click the whole profile can be restored.

I like this guy and want to see where things go

If you both 'want to see where things are going' and you haven't talked about being exclusive, you should probably talk to him first before expecting him to remove his profile.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 6:46 PM on May 30, 2013

1) Three weeks is really nothing
2) Even if he removes his dating profile, he could still be "actively shopping" because - you know -there are people everywhere and other ways to meet people besides online.

You should only be concerned if you are in a committed, exclusive relationship, and he still had a dating profile. At this point, you say you are none of those things as a couple yet. It shouldn't become a discussion unless you two mutually decide to be exclusive and no longer seek out new dating partners.

If you didn't decide to remove your dating profile for other reasons, wouldn't you still have yours up? Would you be this bothered if his Facebook status said "Single"?

I don't necessarily think 3 weeks is too soon to think about being exclusive, but each relationship is different. At this point, it doesn't sound like you have headed in that direction just yet. If you feel you could have that talk, then do so, but don't mention the dating profile until it's clear what your intentions are.
posted by Crystalinne at 6:48 PM on May 30, 2013 [3 favorites]

If you are sleeping together, you absolutely have a right to know if he is seeing other people, and for him to suggest that he wasn't actually obligated to answer you when you inquired about it is a big red flag.

I think 3-6 weeks of multiple successful dates is a good time to check in and say, "Hey, you're great, this is awesome. Think it's time to close up our profiles so we can see where this goes?" So, say that to him, and see if he gives you the same bizarre claptrap about not having to tell you these sorts of things. Sure, he doesn't have to, but IMO if he wants to keep dating you, it would be wise for him to do so.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 6:58 PM on May 30, 2013 [4 favorites]

If an exclusive relationship is what you're looking for and you'd like to go in that direction with this guy, I don't think it's too early to talk about it. He may not be looking for that, in general or with you, and if that would be a dealbreaker for you it's certainly reasonable to address it now. (It's an especially good thing to talk about once you start having sex, since for your own health & safety you ought to know if he has other partners at the same time.)

I personally prefer monogamous relationships and if I feel like I'm getting emotionally invested I may say something like, "So, will you be my boyfriend?" to kick off the conversation. If he is lukewarm, then you can make a call about whether or not you want to date him casually or move on.
posted by annekate at 7:03 PM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

A lot of women insist on exclusivity when they sleep with a man, so I think you would be entirely reasonable to tell him that given your level of intimacy, you are not comfortable with him dating other people.
posted by bananafish at 7:04 PM on May 30, 2013 [5 favorites]

During one of the sleepovers I asked if he was seeing other people and said that he didn't have to answer if he doesn't want to but he said that he was not seeing anyone and it did not seem that he was lying.

Am I the only one reading this as the OP telling the dude that he doesn't have to answer if he doesn't want to? That she asked the question and immediately said, "but you don't have to answer?"

OP, if I'm reading that right--STOP DOING THAT! You're second guessing yourself! Be more confident! It is OK to ask for what you want! It is OK to expect people to be honest with you! Don't make excuses for people. Let them prove to you that they're worth your time. Don't give people reasons to walk all over you.

Just straight up, unequivocally ask the dude to be exclusive if that's what you want, and then straight up tell him you expect that exclusivity=taking down profiles. And then let him answer without answering for him.
posted by phunniemee at 7:05 PM on May 30, 2013 [33 favorites]

Oh WOW I totally misread that too. My bad, OP. Thanks PhunnieMee. I redact the first paragraph of my initial response.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:07 PM on May 30, 2013 [5 favorites]

I can't speak for the exclusivity thing, but it's worth talking about.

But I can comment on the dating profile thing: this is one of those 21st century, first world problems. The timing of taking down a profile sends all kinds of messages. (As does Facebook friending and relationshipping). He probably doesn't want to scare you away by jumping the gun too early.
posted by gjc at 7:07 PM on May 30, 2013

There's no standard answer to this, like "2 months" or "9 days." The length of time as in your question "how long" doesn't matter. Some couples take months to get to that point, some take days.

The question I think you really want answered is "is he seriously interested in me, and does he want to be exclusive with me?" You interpret taking down the profile as a sign of serious interest and perhaps exclusivity." We can't answer that question, though. Only he can let you know whether he's seriously interested and wants exclusivity.

If you are in the market for an exclusive relationship, you might want to have this conversation first with people, before you get to this point where you've shared a lot of intimacy but you have that odd thing where you've been physically intimate but are totally afraid to ask them how they feel about the relationship and its future. That can really be backwards. It sounds as though he likes you, but it's not clear that he's serious - we can't answer that, only he can. In future, have this conversation before you're afraid to.
posted by Miko at 7:12 PM on May 30, 2013 [4 favorites]

It seems kind of weird at this point to expect him to take his profile down. You've been seeing him three weeks. Definitely in the casual dating/possibly seeing other people zone.
posted by Unified Theory at 7:18 PM on May 30, 2013 [3 favorites]

I also started getting antsy about this very question after three weeks of amazing dates with my now-SO. Things were just so...incredible between us. Or so it seemed to me -- but was it mutual? I really felt uncomfortable with the possibility that it DIDN'T feel the same way to him -- that he was still active on OKC and (so I assumed) looking for other dates.

I waited another couple of weeks to speak to him about it -- I wanted to sift through my own anxiety and let it settle. Ultimately, the conversation came up pretty organically -- I was not comfortable with sex outside an exclusive relationship, so when it came time to discuss such matters, I also discussed the fact that I'd pulled down my profile. He said he hadn't seen anyone else since our first date (so, my anxiety was for naught!) but hadn't pulled his profile because he had a bunch of friends on OKC who sent him links to their prospective dates' profiles, some of which were visible only to members of the site -- hence his continued activity there.

(So, if you need a plausible reason to recite to yourself for why this gentleman is still active on OKC, there's one for you to mull.)

Now, I didn't then ask him to shut down his profile, but I did say it bothered me a bit. A day or two later (because he didn't like bothering me, I presume -- he's that kind of gentleman), he closed his account.

In short: don't be afraid to speak your feelings. If this thing between you is mutual, you're not going to scare him off by admitting that you're developing feelings and want to give exclusivity a shot. (And since you're sleeping with him, it's also not just an emotional issue, it could certainly be considered a health issue.)

Worst case scenario: he isn't feeling the same level of intensity. But you know what? If that's the case, it's really important information for you to know.
posted by artemisia at 7:27 PM on May 30, 2013 [5 favorites]

Guy here: FWIW, no shortage of us guys initiate/are fine with the exclusivity conversation when things are starting to get intimate, don't want to have sex with someone if they're seeing other people.

That aside, if he's enthusiastic and at all serious about where things might go, he'll have no problem with the conversation.
posted by ambient2 at 7:49 PM on May 30, 2013 [3 favorites]

I don't think you should ask him to do anything, but I don't think you should expect this to become a relationship until he stops.

You should keep looking and dating until you guys mutually agree on an exclusive relationship. Don't expect anything until then.
posted by discopolo at 7:51 PM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think that once you've discussed being exclusive, then you should take it down. I did the mistake of leaving it up and so did my boyfriend at the time. We were mutually logged in once and we discovered each other and it caused all sorts of hurtful feelings. He deleted his, but I simply forgot and once he asked me about it and I said, yes it is still up. It was uncomfortable, but we deleted it together. It felt good! If I could do it over again, I'd like to do it together as our own little event to remember.
posted by happysocks at 8:08 PM on May 30, 2013

The profile is a tool to date people.

You are not exclusive, so he's using it. You don't want him to use it?
Be exclusive. It's really that simple.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you want because of some perceived rule or timeline.
posted by French Fry at 8:12 PM on May 30, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'm a woman. I've been dating a guy for three weeks now and am very happy. It has not occurred to me to take down my profile, not because I'm looking for something else, but because it feels like I'd be getting ahead of myself. I'm enjoying taking the emotional part of this slowly. The early part of dating is often some weird Rosetta Stone experience where you try to translate someone else's actions into what you think they actually mean - the more you can avoid this and just talk directly about your own actions and experiences, the easier it is.
posted by judith at 8:15 PM on May 30, 2013 [6 favorites]

You're not exclusive until you're exclusive. Communicate! :)

That said, even if married until death do us part I doubt I'd actually delete my OKcupid profile, I'd just stop using it for dating purposes, mark it as not available to reduce unwanted emails related to dating, and leave it there for occasional access to the other toys and tools on that site.
posted by anonymisc at 8:23 PM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

The pat answer is "when the two of you feel that you should take them down." No rules except the ones you make, together. Worth noting that at times I've kept a dating profile on dating sites here and there (sans pictures and intention to go on dates) just because it's interesting to explore how people represent themselves, so profile does not necessary equal actively looking and no profile doesn't necessarily equal not actively looking.
posted by davejay at 9:46 PM on May 30, 2013

I would second the idea of taking the relationship itself as it is, and not assuming exclusivity until you've had a talk about it but it seems like you can relax a little since he says he isn't seeing anyone else. I would just take him at his word that he's not seeing other people and see where it goes. I think a lot of people also forget about the profile or have other reasons for keeping it up that have been mentioned. I have the opposite problem right now - I usually do online dating in spurts/not continuously until I find a partner, and I actually want to take mine down(kind of sick of the whole thing right now, not because I'm dating anyone exclusively) but I have a couple of dates lined up and don't want them to see that I've taken the profile down and wonder what's up!
posted by fromageball at 6:20 AM on May 31, 2013

I would not expect someone to take down a profile unless we had a specific discussion about exclusivity. It seems like you guys have almost-but-not-quite had that conversation..."Are you seeing someone else currently?" is different than "Are you still open to seeing someone else if the opportunity arises?" I would interpret his response as that he is not currently actively dating another woman (or women), not that he would say no to a first date. If you want exclusivity, you should have a conversation specifically about expectations for the future - but please don't bring up that you've been checking out his online profiles, it comes off as pretty creepy even though everyone does it.

No, I don't think 3 weeks is too soon for exclusivity, but it depends on the relationship. I've dated people casually for 6 months where there was never an expectation of exclusivity from either side, and I've also had an "I love you and don't want to date anyone else" conversation after, like, a week (which led to a 3 year monogamous relationship). Depends on the particular relationship and where both people are at. But, you won't get what you want unless you talk about it.
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:19 AM on May 31, 2013