How awful are these comments from my new boyfriend?

May 29, 2013 6:32 PM

How would you feel if your boyfriend told you he wouldn't have dated someone like you when he was younger?

I (mid-40s) have been dating a guy (late 50s) for about five months. We get along well and he is very loving and affectionate. He has a very busy schedule (he owns a successful business) but he puts a lot of effort into seeing me and my young daughter 3-4 times a week, with sleepovers. The other morning we were talking and I mentioned that I am going to put more effort on losing 20 pounds I had put on since my daughter was born (five years ago), that I am somewhat uncomfortable with how I look these days. I believe I am an attractive woman and have had feedback to support this, but this extra weight doesn’t look or feel good to me. I am used to be in excellent shape and have always been a long distance runner till my pregnancy, and I haven’t run regularly since. Anyway, I’m pretty insecure about my weight and somewhat about my age, but not in an extreme way. I am 5'3", size 6 but have been size 2-4 until I was about 42 when my daughter was born. I feel blessed to look the way I do and that I am healthy. Anyway, the other day bf said he loved me so much (as he often does), loves spending time with me and wants to be with me forever. He then followed it with “I would have not dated someone like you 20 years ago”. I asked him what he meant and he said he used to only go out with thin women. This made me feel so awful and I started to cry. He tried to backpeddle by saying what he meant is that he used to be shallow but that I changed that because he loves me how I am, even though I am not thin. He said he feels he has improved his depth, but this makes me feel like I am second rate. Hearing him say he would have not dated someone like me 20 years ago made me feel upset because I want my bf to think I’m physically "perfect", even if I’m not thin. I want to feel cherished and this comment destroyed that feeling even though he said over and over he is very attracted to me and loves me. I wish this thought had not crossed his mind but rather felt that my appearance was perfect, or at least appealing enough that such a thought would have not crossed his mind. Over the past couple of days he has emailed and called to tell me he loves me more than anyone he has ever known, trying to get me to feel better, but I won’t hear of it. I can’t get past that I am not up to his previous standards and that he has settled. Who is being shallow: him, me or both of us? I do love him but feel so blindsided by this insensitive comment. Telling me he supports me losing weight his fine, telling me he wouldn’t have dated me 20 years ago really hurts. Mind you he is 13 years older than I am FWIW. Does this seem like an excusable gaff or a deal breaker? If it’s a gaff, how would a “normal” person have felt instead of feeling heartbroken? I am prone to depression and low self-esteem, which is likely clouding my judgement.

posted by waving to Human Relations (76 answers total)

In what universe is a size 6 not "thin"? Dude's delusional.

That said, I don't think his comment is the biggest sin in the world. A lot of guys seem to go through this phase when they're younger where they worry more about what their friends will think about the appearance of women they date than about dating women they're really attracted to. The good ones mature and get over it.
posted by 168 at 6:39 PM on May 29, 2013 [28 favorites]

1. You ARE thin. (By the accounts of your height and weight.) This is going out on a limb a bit saying this to a stranger, but you are fine just like you are, and I don't think you should lose weight (again, stranger's opinion).

2. It sounds rather tactless. I think the reality is that everyone has little things about their partner that they think and do not say. Little things that you live with, like thinking someone's chin looks weird in certain lighting, and stuff like that. It sounds like the mistake he made was voicing his little things out loud. And that really is sort of a bad mistake, because I'd react just the same way. I wouldn't punish him too much if it's possible to get past it. He really does sound like he loves you and regrets sticking his foot in his mouth. You could even look at it as an opportunity to bolster your self confidence and inner strength about your weight issues and practice not letting it bother you. Because it really does sound like you are okay just how you are.

3. A "normal" person would probably have reacted about the same way you did.
posted by mermily at 6:42 PM on May 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

It's a crappy thing to say - and makes you not only feel bad about your current weight - which IMHO isn't something he gets to have input on - but also that he is "settling" for you now.

It is incredibly insensitive and hurtful without any benefit. However - I would be one to chalk this up to a "foot in mouth" situation. He realized it was a hurtful comment that he shouldn't have said after it came out of his mouth - and has been back peddling ever since. I would be honest with him about your sensitivity about your weight and how it makes you feel like he could do better. Let him know why what he said hurt - not just what he said. Then if he is suitably repents - forgive and forget.

I think feeling heartbroken in a situation like this is completely understandable. But - from reading your question - it sounds like you have idealized your relationship a little. Don't get me wrong - he should absolutely think your sexy and attractive in your relationship - but we are all rounding up to 'the one' (to quote Dan Savage) and I am sure there are things that you would want to change about him as well if you could. Thinking your partner is "perfect" (even physically) isn't the most healthy thing for a relationship.

If everything else was great in your relationship, if he never makes a comment like this again - I would forgive and forget. If this becomes a recurring theme in the relationship - DTMFA.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 6:44 PM on May 29, 2013 [17 favorites]

I think I would be willing to forgive the gaff. Sometimes people just get going and find themselves unable to dig out. You admit you don't find yourself physically perfect, so why do you feel your partner should think you're physically perfect? Is he physically perfect? Probably not (who is?). You're attracted to him anyway, right? I like when you say you want to be "cherished" - cherish, to hold dear. It's not adoration, it's not worship, it's not blind. I cherish my family, not because they're perfect, but because they're mine and I love them. Sounds like this guy can do the same for you. Try to put this behind you and let this guy love you for who you are.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:44 PM on May 29, 2013 [19 favorites]

I think he just screwed up. Maybe you wouldn't have dated him 20 years ago. I think he just said something he shouldn't have said. I think keep working out so you feel good about you and let his boorish comment slide. He didn't mean to upset you and I'm sure we've all had passing thoughts that are better left unsaid and don't necessarily express how we really feel.
posted by bquarters at 6:45 PM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Not a deal breaker. Not sure it was a gaff. Guys are much less stupid when they're 40 than when they're 20. Don't hold against him that he was honest about how stupid he was when he was younger, or he'll know better than to be honest with you in the future.

I'm 50. There are a heck of a lot of things I wouldn't tolerate any more, and a lot that I wouldn't appreciate then. People learn.
posted by Native in Exile at 6:45 PM on May 29, 2013 [14 favorites]

Ew no.

Also someone who is 5'3" and wears a size 6 isn't fat.

While I agree that this doesn't fall into "worst thing in the world" territory, it's just sort of gross and upsetting and implies some pretty awful things about him and do you NEED someone in your life who is like "thank god I am a better person nowadays and willing to date fatties"? It's something that would be a huge turnoff for me and probably a red flag for potential badness down the line.

All of the above said, the one guy I've ever been with who made disparaging comments about my weight -- and they were remarkably like the ones your boyfriend made, full of equivocation and cake having/eating -- was the abusive dick who I absolutely should have left the MINUTE he said said one critical word about my body. So I might be equating this with a scary red flag in a way that isn't a universal.
posted by Sara C. at 6:47 PM on May 29, 2013 [16 favorites]

It is a pointless thing to say because he can express the same positive thing he meant by just saying, "you are beautiful; I love you and everything about you."

But I don't know that any decisions need to be made because he said it. It would be great if you told him that you want him to love and cherish everything about you, though. That's an expectation that is okay to have.
posted by michaelh at 6:48 PM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Uh I think it's pretty "normal" to be upset. (Also most people would consider a size 6 to be actually quite thin!) It's hard not to hear that as kind of insulting? But unless it's part of a larger pattern of undermining your looks I don't think it's a deal breaker so much as a well-meaning thing he didn't express well and probably shouldn't have expressed at all.
posted by SoftRain at 6:49 PM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

You think you're attractive, and you think you could lose 20 pounds. Your husband agrees. And he loves you! And he said something clumsy, but that's it!!

FEEL GREAT ABOUT IT, in other words.
posted by Kololo at 6:50 PM on May 29, 2013 [8 favorites]

I am having a hard time understanding how a size 6 is anything but thin.

I'm sorry you're hurting but it sounds like you both have some out of whack understanding of what "thin" is.

Talk to him about why you're hurt. But please also work on having a healthier self image! Good luck.
posted by waterisfinite at 6:52 PM on May 29, 2013 [9 favorites]

This would totally bother me too and I think the reason is that 20 years ago he was in his *late 30s*. It would have far less meaning if he'd said "When I was 18 I only wanted to date teeny tiny girls," because that would be the difference between immature kid and grown man who has developed different preferences over time. But 20 years is not a huge long time once you're a totally grown adult. Maybe that's unfair, it's possible he just worded it really poorly by mistake. But that's what I'd be thinking if I were you.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 6:53 PM on May 29, 2013 [11 favorites]

I really think that you should see this Photographic Height Weight Chart where users have submitted pictures showing how they look for their specific height and weight.

Seriously, people who are 5'3" and a size six are thin as hell.

Note: If you're observant, you may notice that Mefi's own Jessamyn has posted her picture on that site. It's really a great resource to get an idea of how different people look at different weights versus heights. Hopefully it will help you get a grip on how your boyfriend is completely fricking wrong, ridiculous, and should be grateful to be with a mid 40's woman who is still a size six.
posted by Shouraku at 6:53 PM on May 29, 2013 [17 favorites]

01. You are not fat.

02. My response to a shitty comment like that would be "if you think you can do better than THIS (jazz hands towards awesome self) I'd love to see you try."

03. He seems to really recognize that his comment was shitty and that your feelings are hurt, which is a good thing.

It is okay for this to be a deal-breaker for you, and it is also okay for you to move past this. What is not really okay, in the sense of what's good and right and healthy for the both of you, is to let this stew and simmer and build resentment over a long period of time.
posted by elizardbits at 6:54 PM on May 29, 2013 [27 favorites]

I dunno. To me it sounds like he was saying that he does see you as physically perfect dsspite the fact that you have gone into great detail about how you're not (but come on, size SIX?). You don't want someone who thonks you are something you are not -- you want someone who thinks that how you are right now is perfect right now and I think that's what he said.

My boyfriend & I (59 & 53, respectively) are SO grateful we didn't meet when we were younger (and he had all his hair and I was thinner & hadn't had breast cancer) because what we have together absolutely transcends physical appearance and both of us can imagine ruling the other out for shallow reasons.

You know, we age and our bodies kinda fall apart and in middle age women lose their waistlines (no matter how thin, we simply don't have that 24-year-old curve any more for physiological reasons) and it's not some kind of mistake or something that can be fixed. So I think you need to excuse his fumbling way of saying it and see that he's happy to be with you -- all of you -- "perfections" and "imperfections" alike.
posted by janey47 at 6:58 PM on May 29, 2013 [12 favorites]

It's definitely an insensitive comment, but I do want to add a slightly different perspective, if that's ok. As someone suggested, he could have meant his preferences or values have changed, for any number of reasons. What I think is more important is what, if any, communication did you have about it afterwards? Did he have a chance to tell you why he made that statement? You say he says he loves you a lot, but what do his everyday actions tell you? I'd personally value what my partner does, more than a single insensitive comment that he immediately regretted or felt wasn't a correct explanation of his feelings.
posted by averageamateur at 7:00 PM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Who is being shallow: him, me or both of us?

There's nothing to be gained here by deciding who is the most shallow.

It sounds like he was trying to tell you how wonderful you are, and inadvertently said something that came off as insulting, that did not mean to you what he had meant to say. Perhaps his thoughts had turned to how he was foolish in focusing on appearance as a much younger man. You've been dating for 5 months and he was talking about 20 years ago.

It's up to you if this is a deal breaker. You can feel however you want about it.

I want my bf to think I’m physically "perfect"

No one is perfect.
posted by yohko at 7:01 PM on May 29, 2013 [11 favorites]

Also I think whether or not you are actually fat is beside the point. I think I've said before here that I'm 5'5" and a 6 at my smallest, and that is NOT thin on me. Nor is it obese or anything, just that you can't always tell from numbers. But even if you were a size 20, the point is that he said something to the effect of "I used to be shallow and only like (positive quality) but now I'm improved and even though you don't possess (positive quality) I'm dating you!" It's not that you are thin or fat, or even whether thin or fat is really better, because that's a matter of taste. What's upsetting about the comment as he phrased it is he thinks you lack this positive (to him) quality but he's noble enough to overlook it.

Not saying you need to dump him on the spot, just that it's understandable that this bothered you.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 7:08 PM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

He tried to backpeddle by saying what he meant is that he used to be shallow but that I changed that because he loves me how I am, even though I am not thin. He said he feels he has improved his depth

Wow, he really just kept digging that hole deeper and deeper, didn't he?

I, like many here, am marveling that your boyfriend feels that a size-six woman made him a deeper human being. That is really something else.

That said - I would weigh his actions against his words. It is one thing to let your foot keep jamming itself in your mouth once, it is another thing to do the things every day to make a relationship stronger. If he continues to say things like that, ugh, don't stick around for more punishment.
posted by 41swans at 7:11 PM on May 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

I think he was trying to compliment you. It was probably supposed to be a slam on himself: I was an idiot before.

Maybe not the ideal thing to say. I'm just saying, it's the kind of thing that can pop out on accident when you're trying to be nice in a high-stakes situation like talking about your loved-one's weight.

I think you're not wrong to have been a little crushed, but holding a grudge or assigning a deeper meaning that's really not in any other evidence is a bit much.
posted by ctmf at 7:11 PM on May 29, 2013 [6 favorites]

Best answer: I don't think this: I want my bf to think I’m physically "perfect", even if I’m not thin.

Is necessarily the same as this: I want to feel cherished

Though they are obviously linked to you. I think a lot of men - even, perhaps especially - older men, don't really have much of a clue how corrosive body comments are and the kind of toxic discourse that women are immersed in from a very young age. I think a lot of them assume the way that they (men) feel about their bodies is largely the same as how women do - when this is obviously not the case at all.

I think this can lead to an insensitivity around body issues and comments, because men have pretty much never had that kind of value placed on their bodies, or found their bodies forming part of a transactional discourse.

E.g, if you said the same thing in reverse, to him, he probably wouldn't be bothered at all, because he does not have that ownership of/guilt/social norms and pressure around his body that women can have. Thus, he was unaware I think of the hurt he caused you.

However, he seems genuinely regretful about it. It sounds like he loves - and values - you very much, including your body, whether you are unhappy or happy with it or no. It sounds like he values you a lot more than your body, and I think that's a great and healthy thing in a relationship.

I think he probably does think you're "physically perfect" - for him. And it sounds like he really does cherish everythign you give him, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

At the end of the day, isn't that better than a relationship just based on physicality? I worry that expecting reverence or "perfection" from partners can lead to destructive assumptions and inevitable disappointment. Though you have every right to feel hurt about his comment, I think communicating to him about how you feel, and asking him to be sensitive about your own feelings and insecurities about your body would yield you good results.

Over the past couple of days he has emailed and called to tell me he loves me more than anyone he has ever known, trying to get me to feel better, but I won’t hear of it.

I think you should "hear of it". When your lover is telling you something nice about yourself, and your role in their life, you should listen to them - lots of people have relationships where they no longer hear anything like that, and it sucks.

I can’t get past that I am not up to his previous standards and that he has settled

It doesn't sound to me like he has settled at all. Far from it. Rather he has recognised that a deep, emotionally satisfying connection and a successful relationship encompasses much more than someone's body. It sounds like you are well above his previous standards in terms of intelligence, compassion, wisdom etc. The man he was 20 years ago was too much of a douche to appreciate the importance of those things. You wouldn't want to be with that man anyway!
posted by smoke at 7:12 PM on May 29, 2013 [37 favorites]

I would have told him, "If you were as shallow as you sound now, I wouldn't have dated you either, and currently, I'm wondering if you've changed as much as you think you have because what you just said was really rude and not a compliment whatsoever. You are not noble or wonderful because you now date what you think is someone "fat" when you wouldn't have before. I am nobody's charity case if that's how you really feel, and I am also not okay with any "compliments" of this kind from here on out. Capische?"
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:13 PM on May 29, 2013 [12 favorites]

I don't know your relationship, but if it is otherwise awesome and loving, I'd let this go.

TBH, a few years ago I wouldn't have dated my BF because I would only date tall men and he's distinctly not tall. Have I gotten over myself and my stupid, shallow standards a bit since then? Yes. Have I ever told him this? No. If I ever did, would it mean that I in any way had less love, respect, or mind-boggling levels of attraction for him? Not a bit. It would be an idiot foot-in-mouth moment, that's all. I am more attracted to him than I was to any of my previouses, even though he doesn't meet the standard that they met, because I have changed and what I want has changed.

Peoples's standards and desires and priorities change and if he's happy with you and his new standards, that's a good thing, regardless of how badly he worded it.
posted by windykites at 7:23 PM on May 29, 2013 [25 favorites]

+1 on this being a terrible gaffe of the elbow-to-the-ribs "that was a terrible gaffe, you owe me a really nice dinner" variety. Especially when you say he's gone out of the way to say "over and over" that you're attractive to him. Why are you willing to put multiple positive statements aside for this one seemingly negative statement?

Don't get me wrong - this was a gaffe and he deserves some needling. But if you're practicing selective hearing, that's on you, IMO.
posted by ftm at 7:26 PM on May 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

His comment was ignorant, but he didn't mean it to be hurtful.
Size 6 = pretty damn hot in my book.
posted by 2oh1 at 7:29 PM on May 29, 2013

All of the comments reassuring the OP of how thin she is seem very much beside the point.

I think your husband's comment was not very diplomatic, but your reaction to it might be a little disproportionate. That's not hard to understand though, since body image is predictably a sensitive subject for everyone; hence he probably should've known better than to say what he said the way he said it. I think you should do your best at this point to take his comments in the loving spirit in which it sounds like he intended them.
posted by ludwig_van at 7:31 PM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

As a person who is your same height and dress size, I can testify to the fact that you probably look great just the way you are. :-)

But - I will also add this anecdata:
I had a boyfriend when I was younger who used to be absolutely wonderful with compliments. He called me gorgeous, perfect, a goddess, and he had a way of saying it that made me feel like he really meant it. That I was the apple of his eye. I never detected a hint of negativity about my appearance. He also would occasionally comment that "you're looking far too thin lately - you need to eat more!" It was something I loved about him. And yet, he cheated on me twice and broke my heart completely.

My husband sounds more like your current boyfriend. He gives a lot of compliments and he is very expressive about caring for me and how much he loves me. He doesn't call me perfect or say I am a goddess. He sometimes clumsily mentions some flaw in my appearance in a way that I find hurtful, and once he made me cry with a careless offhand comment that he heartily regretted as soon as he said it. He apologizes profusely every time he does something like this, and it happens quite rarely. It has been years since he said something like that to me. I forgive him for doing this, and his other personality traits - being honest, trustworthy, and a general upstanding citizen - more than make up for it, in my mind. I believe, based on what you've said about your boyfriend, that he might be worth forgiving, too, but it's up to you to decide in the end.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:33 PM on May 29, 2013 [16 favorites]

I don't really understand how he said anything wrong.

Women are not entitled to be told they are thin. It is not insulting to say that you are not thin.

For you to suggest it is insulting for him to say you're not thin, is to say that those MeFites among us who are not thin, are somehow of a lesser, inferior condition and for you to be lumped in with them is a grievous insult.

Whether or not a size 6 is thin is immaterial. It is not insulting to be told you are not thin. For you to think it is insulting, is your own problem to work through.

And like someone said upthread, nobody's perfect.
posted by Unified Theory at 7:46 PM on May 29, 2013 [19 favorites]

... this comment destroyed that feeling even though he said over and over he is very attracted to me and loves me.

You cannot walk on eggshells while in a relationship with someone you love - and he is walking on eggshells around you.

He made a mistake, did not deflect, and immediately apologized. But, in your eyes the world came crumbling down, because he should not have even thought that kind of thought. That's police state, and no partner can survive such scrutiny because we are human first and last.

I would suggest therapy for yourself as a step.
posted by Kruger5 at 7:47 PM on May 29, 2013 [30 favorites]

Sounds to me like he wanted you to see him in a good light: look how I have grown and matured; I am no longer the shallow jerk I used to be. Only trouble is, he failed to hear your concerns about your own body image, and failed to consider how his words might be taken hurtfully.

He clearly did not intend that, and it seems he genuinely feels bad about it. If, in general, he seems to hear what you say, and is considerate of you, then this one incident is probably no big deal. But if he tends to take every opportunity to wax on about his own qualities, or try to make himself look good... well then, that may be a red flag.
posted by fikri at 7:50 PM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Another vote for "foot in mouth." Young men often go for a certain look... not just a thin looks, either. Maybe a blonde look or a big-boob look or a long-legs-and-short-skirt look. When they get older and know themselves better, they look beyond the veneer. In your shoes, I'd have felt hurt, too. But try to see it as an isolated, poorly-formed comment from a guy who loves you as you are. You know, I'd much rather have an honest, sincere guy who's bad at compliments -- any day. Tell him you like compliments. Ask for some. The weird thing is that it can make you feel good even if you request them. If he says he loves your smile or your eyes are beautiful, do NOT let yourself get bogged down in, "Ohhh noooo, he's saying that because my hips are too big."

You want your guy to feel comfortable saying what he really thinks. I suggest you tell him your feelings were hurt, but that you do appreciate the sentiment. Don't make him walk on eggshells just because he's clumsy with words and doesn't know exactly what you'd like him to say.
posted by wryly at 7:51 PM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Someone calling attention to something about ourselves that we intensely dislike is always really painful. My feelings would have been hurt in your place, too. I'm also in my early 40s and dating, and heavier than I have ever been, and definitely have some insecurity about it. However, a lot of that hurt is you doing it to yourself (and me doing it to myself). You write a lot about how bad you feel about your body, and so what you heard him say was "your body sucks, but I guess I'll survive." What I think he was saying was "What a moron I was. Thirty year old me would totally have let this amazing woman pass me by because I was so deluded about what the perfect woman was."

Don't let the voices in your head that hate your body twist what was almost certainly meant to be a (poorly phrased, weirdly executed, all 'round ill-advised) compliment. He's a new boyfriend, but it sounds like you like him a lot, and does it really make sense with what you know about him that he would deliberately say something to hurt your feelings? Remember, you're the one who doesn't like your body, not him.

I'm with ftm that I think it's a gaffe and he deserves a little pointed finger-wagging about it, but don't blow it out of proportion.
posted by La Marquise Marionette de Chaussette at 7:56 PM on May 29, 2013 [9 favorites]

It would have been entirely fine, shallow but fine, for him to make those remarks privately to a friend. Making them to you is king-daddy tactless. I certainly hope he's learned that lesson!
posted by tomboko at 8:18 PM on May 29, 2013

Another vote for 'let it go'. I think he put his foot in it by even bringing it up, but it's in no way worth throwing away an otherwise great relationship over.
posted by Salamander at 8:24 PM on May 29, 2013

IME having at-length conversations with men about your physical shortcomings frequently leads to awkward comments like this. Really, after a certain point, what do you expect him to say? He's found himself in an ongoing conversation that you, his girlfriend, has initiated about her weight. You talking at length about your experiences with your weight in the past probably had him searching for what he could relate, and that's what he came up with. Tactless sure, but it does sound like the stage was set for it.

I don't know if I qualify as "normal", but I would have (a) taken some time to let my brain cool down from the comment and detangle my irrational thoughts from the more rational ones, (b) accepted his apology after clarifying how we can avoid this needless hurt in the future, and (c) become more mindful of how much I'm venting about my insecurity to my SO in the future, so that I'm not setting him up for another gaffe. For me, focusing on this any further would be equivalent to searching for drama-fodder (especially if the SO is demonstrating otherwise loving behaviors). YMMV.
posted by human ecologist at 8:32 PM on May 29, 2013 [5 favorites]

Of course you can feel how you feel. It does sound like a comment from someone who was being dense at the moment, but he has apologized profusely and made significant efforts to make up for it. He deserves to be let off the hook. I think some people are just not as emotionally intelligent and can say things that can be hurtful to us, but if we feel good about ourselves, it would slide off after the apology and genuine attempt to make up for it. A partner of mine had made some insensitive comments about my body on a few occasions, and because he apologized and I feel good about my body, they did not affect me and they were forgotten. He also said how beautiful and attractive I was to him, many many more times than his insensitive comments. So that counts for a lot.
posted by happysocks at 8:47 PM on May 29, 2013

Does this seem like an excusable gaff or a deal breaker?

Breaking up with someone you say loves you and makes time for you and your daughter would be silly. If this was an ongoing pattern of behavior, dump his ass. But a one time thing, where he clearly knows he hurt you and is trying to reassure you? It's a no brainer.

If it’s a gaff, how would a “normal” person have felt instead of feeling heartbroken?

You feel how you feel, so don't think yourself of noting being normal, ok? Like most people, you have some insecurities and certain subjects affect you deeply. It's ok, just proves you're human.

A good way to address this is to express that your'e hurt and let him know how it makes you feel and and discuss ( or repeat) what you want from a significant other. People aren't perfect and will make all sorts of mistakes in relationships. What's important is how they handle those mistakes and what they learn from this. This is an opportunity for you two to learn a bit more about each other and reaffirm your bonds. Talk it out with him and don't beat him or yourself up about this.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:50 PM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

It's as awful as it made you feel. Not to say there is a 1:1 ratio here, but relationships are about how they make a person feel. Do you feel safe with him? Do you feel good around him? Also, as for "normal", there's no universal meter for that.

As for me, this is a deal-breaker (obnoxious comments about body / size always bode poorly), and five months is still well within the "getting to know you" phase. It's not necessary to try and plug up the leaks in the levee with sandbags of "He's so good about making time for me, even though he has his own successful business". In matters of interpersonal charm/harm, it's unnecessary to cushion a person's faults. You just see clear through, like crystal. Do you like what you see? If not, you can choose. Either and all ways, you always have choice.

I am of the opinion that a partner is one around whom a person consistently feels emotionally safe and good. This was so in the best love relationship I had, and that's my personal litmus.
posted by simulacra at 8:59 PM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

My partner and I have both remarked about how we probably wouldn't have dated each other when we were younger, precisely because we were both younger and dumber and cared about different, less important things as criteria for partners -- for example, I cared too much about things like obscure record collections and fancy college degrees (which he doesn't have, and for which I would have likely looked down on him at one point, because I was an ass) and not enough for empathy, reliability, and emotional stability (which he has in spades and which I learned to appreciate, because I got tired of being hurt by guys with good record collections and impressive degrees who let me down when it really mattered).

The point he was making, however awkwardly, is that he doesn't need you to conform to a narrow standard of beauty (e.g. you must be a size 2) in order to be attracted to you and to love you. This reflects well on both of you.

I know that he phrased it badly, but honestly, I think giving him a break and interpreting it in the most generous light will be a gift to the both of you.
posted by scody at 9:10 PM on May 29, 2013 [19 favorites]

That would have made me feel crappy but in the absence of other remarks that make you feel crappy, I'd write it off, accept his apology, and do my best to forgive and forget. And if I was 5'3" and a size 6, I think I'd be one happy camper.

However, for what it's worth, I do agree to some extent with those who said that it might be a bit much to expect an SO to think your body is perfect because I don't think perfect bodies exist.

My chest size is 34B. I have referred to my breasts as my mosquito bites. But my husband has always said that he likes smaller breasts generally and mine specifically and that he likes my curves. I see my legs as enormous, he thinks they're muscular and sexy. My body isn't perfect but it's pretty good for him. I don't think he wants to be with someone who has a supermodel body. He wants to be with me. I'm willing to bet that that's the way this guy feels about you.
posted by kat518 at 9:31 PM on May 29, 2013

I'm guessing you'll end up forgiving because you're invested in him, but he sucks. Guys who say stuff like that do the whole "Oh, I didn't mean xyz" but more often than not it's a passive aggressive dig. He resents you for not being thinner.

I've had guys in their 50s email me on OKC (I'm 32 and I put my preference at only up until 35), and they usually get mad about the age limit and then complain about the way women who do message them look. There's a reason why these guys have never been married or are divorced; women get tired of being put down/feeling not good enough.

Unless he's socially challenged, he knows what he was saying. Negging, I think. Dude's a loser. It's up to you if you want yourself and your daughter exposed to this douchebag.
posted by discopolo at 9:54 PM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'm with Scody. My boyfriend and I are in our 50's, and would not have dated at all if we'd met when we were younger. I probably wouldn't even have given him a second look. But now, I think he's absolutely the hottest thing on the planet, and sometimes catch myself thinking some guy is kinda hot and then realize its because he looks like my boyfriend. Whom I wouldn't have thought was hot 20 years ago.

So yeah, I totally understand your hurt feelings and would have felt exactly the same way, but I don't think that's how he meant it. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and try to let it go.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:00 PM on May 29, 2013

He was stating a fact about the past...
Would you be hurt if he had mentioned that he wouldn't have dated divorced women when he was younger?
or that he wouldn't have been caught dead driving a minivan when he was younger?
Maybe he didn't like spinach in his 20's.
All of these are just facts about who he WAS-- they have nothing to do with your current relationship, unless one or both of you dwell on these facts about the past.
posted by calgirl at 10:32 PM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh, and I meant to comment previously on this:

I want my bf to think I’m physically "perfect", even if I’m not thin. I want to feel cherished

Two things: 1) there are no physically perfect bodies. Seriously. Magazine covers airbrush supermodels and Hollywood stars because no one fits the literally unreachable standard of perfection that's been shoved down our collective throats in this culture. This is an insidious message that's designed to make us feel self-conscious and inadequate (in no small measure to make us keep buying magazines, beauty products, etc.).

2) Perfection is not a necessary precondition to being (or feeling) cherished. Indeed, isn't it more meaningful (not to mention realistic) to be cherished in spite of -- even because of -- our imperfections? This is a feature, not a bug, of good relationships. You're not perfect, you're never going to be perfect, and your boyfriend's not perfect either -- and at the exact same time, you are capable of cherishing him and feeling cherished in return. This is your birthright as a human being, not something you earn by being "perfect."
posted by scody at 11:21 PM on May 29, 2013 [7 favorites]

I think he had good intentions, and he said something he should've kept to himself. Many of us have said dopey, regrettable things to our partners. The point is, he loves you now and apparently doesn't feel like he's "settling." He's chasing you around, trying to apologize and tell you how attractive you are and that he loves you more than anybody he's ever been with... That's the stuff that matters, what you mean to each other, right now. Give the guy a pass for one dippy remark he obviously regrets.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:25 PM on May 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

I'm with everyone who says he was trying to tell you how happy he is with you, and how shallow he was back then. He probably has no idea just how insecure you are about your weight, and I wouldn't burden him with that if I were you. You do need to deal with it on your own.
posted by Dragonness at 11:26 PM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Tons of overreaction on this thread! They guy loves you, he tells you he loves you all the time, and he says one goofy thing and you are ready to dump him? HE does you love you as you are--he is there, isn't he? You are unfairly condemning yourself for a natural change in body shape, and then condemning your boyfriend because he noticed. Drop it and go back to all that love and mutual support.
posted by LarryC at 11:27 PM on May 29, 2013 [9 favorites]

Agreeing with a lot of comments here, I think he was remarking about himself and noting that he was more mature and fortunate in his relationship than he could have been at an earlier age and you let your insecurities lead you into feeling it was a comment about you. If it's not about you, it's not about you.

Recognize it was an inadvertently clumsy attempt to tell you he's lucky to have grown up enough to really see you for the wonderful woman you are. Keep on believing you're a wonderful woman. Put your body-image bashing tendencies back in the box and, if you want to improve physically, be sensible about a health and fitness undertaking that isn't focused on merely turning you into some particular dress size. Take up running again and focus on that. Be you again. The rest will take care of itself.

Meanwhile, believe him when he says you are wonderful and beautiful. Go for it! What if it turns out this is what is true and real happiness is possible for the two of you? Don't bash that lovely possibility to smithereens because you feel you need still more reassurances.
posted by Anitanola at 11:40 PM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

OK, that was a terrible foot-in-mouth situation and he should have thought about it a few times before opening his mouth, but I too am with Scody, MexicanYenta et al. It sounds like this guy is really crazy about you and that you like him a lot too. I understand that your feelings are hurt, that it is a sore spot, and that he ought to have realized he was going to hurt your feelings with that comment. But in the larger picture of things, I think he was trying to say something nice, albeit he totally messed it up. And this is just one bad moment in what sounds like a pretty good relationship. I would try to look at the larger picture and the love, rather than the faux pas.
posted by feets at 12:21 AM on May 30, 2013

This reminds me of a very similar question I asked about a previous relationship. It didn't work out for other reasons but I still found the comment relatively difficult to get past. Maybe that's my bad, maybe that's his, who knows. I think you may find the comments helpful.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 12:45 AM on May 30, 2013

I'm not sure I'd call myself a 'normal' person, or what that means, but I can tell you this:

My boyfriend would not have dated me 15 years ago. I would not have dated him then, either. We have both come a long way, in many ways, and we are now perfectly happy together.

If one of us says 'I would not have dated you fifteen years ago!' we both simply know it's true. Amd then we hug because we're so glad that we're together now anyway.

He was just telling you something about the guy he used to be. It's not about you. Personally I'd not even call this a gaffe.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad about this. It must really suck. I hope your self esteem gets better.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:48 AM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry that this has hurt you, but he's trying so hard to make it up to you, I think it's time to let it go. Imagine how crushed he must be feeling that he's hurt the beautiful woman he loves so much with a comment he hadn't thought through. People screw up sometimes, and it's important to be able to see the difference between a comment intended to hurt you, and one that did so inadvertently.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:21 AM on May 30, 2013

We get along well and he is very loving and affectionate. He has a very busy schedule (he owns a successful business) but he puts a lot of effort into seeing me and my young daughter 3-4 times a week, with sleepovers.

The positives you list for him are pretty skimpy. Putting a lot of effort into seeing you isn't really impressive but more par for the course. Such is life when you have a relationship and you're busy. I'm not saying there aren't more positives about him, but is he, in all ways but this one moment, really great to be around? Or is he just 'okay' to be around but his 'just being around' makes it seem better than okay?

Maybe try to put this comment into a broader context.

Also, no, there's nothing weird about your reaction -- you are already thin and his comment doesn't really make actual sense, and that itself is disturbing.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:24 AM on May 30, 2013

You've been with this guy for FIVE MONTHS. You have a young daughter. You see him 3-4 times a week, with sleepovers. You are prone to depression and low self esteem. And now you're in a major tailspin over a comment he made about your weight. This is not good for you. This is not good for your daughter.

You identify yourself as unhappy and insecure with yourself and that the fix would be to get in shape and lose 20 pounds. There is NO connection, and I think most of the posters here would agree with the idea that losing weight does not result in becoming happy with yourself. Happiness comes not from your body, not from your boyfriend, but from inside yourself. So much a cliche, but so true.

Your post really suggests to me a cry for help, and you need to talk to someone other than your boyfriend about this. You sound very vulnerable, and if this guy's as loving and caring as you say, he'll support you in finding ways to make you feel better. (And in the meantime, if you have any doubts about his attitudes towards anything, please pay close attention to how he talks to your daughter.) Good luck.
posted by kestralwing at 2:44 AM on May 30, 2013 [9 favorites]

It appears I exist in an entirely different reality to both yourself and the vast majority of the respondents to your query. I am similar in age to yourself, and although I appreciate the fact my partner finds me physically attractive, I'm well aware I'm far from, "perfect", and, as such, do not require him to perceive me so in order to feel loved and desired. In fact, were he to make a comment of that nature, I would probably laugh and cheerfully remind him he too is no longer eighteen.

To summarise, I find your reaction to what was obviously an off-the-cuff remark rather excessive and immature.
posted by Nibiru at 2:50 AM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

It sounds to me like he tried to pay you a compliment and made a right mess of it. I suspect he realises it, too.
posted by Decani at 2:59 AM on May 30, 2013 [2 favorites]

I want my bf to think I’m physically "perfect", even if I’m not thin. I want to feel cherished....

Right here you're making a really big leap. One does not need to be perfect to be cherished. And in my experience that leap is a very common aspect of depression.

People don't love someone because they think that person is perfect. That's not what love is. Love that exists only so long as perfection does is not love.

To me it sounds like he was trying to be closer to you by showing you an aspect of himself he's not proud of. It also sounds like he recognizes that in attempting to do so he caused you great distress, and is himself distressed by that.
posted by PMdixon at 4:46 AM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

What he likely meant: "I was a douchebag when I was younger, and my standards of beauty were so narrow that I was completely missing out. I'm so glad I wised up, because you're absolutely gorgeous."

How he came across: "You could be hotter, but I'm old now and can't really hold out for the best-looking chicks. Aren't I considerate?"

I would be pretty crushed if someone I loved said that to me, and I would require a few days to process that hurt. Even if I knew it was a dumb foot-in-mouth thing and my boyfriend apologized profusely. You can forgive someone and still need time to stop hurting.

I think Suffocating Kitty is right on the money: if this is a one-off thing and he otherwise makes you feel perfect, you will be fine. If this is part of a larger pattern and he has a knack for repeatedly making you feel less-than, this won't be a good relationship for you.

A counterpoint to "size 6 is not fat": thanks to the wonder of inconsistent women's sizing, I have some 6 garments and even a few size 4s, and my BMI is two pounds shy of "overweight." But no matter what you weigh or what the tag on your dress says, it should have no bearing on your self-worth or how much your partner loves you, and it is still NOT OK to imply you're not thin enough to be pretty.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:50 AM on May 30, 2013 [5 favorites]

You're not physically perfect, and won't be in 20 pounds. It's not possible. If the weight bugs you, then work on it. I think your bf was trying to say something loving and reassuring and he bungled it.
I'm not perfect and I don't like it, but my BF still thinks I'm beautiful. I don't know if that would have been the case when we were in our 20s when we were both more "perfect".
I think this one is more on you magnifying a comment because you are already really unhappy about something about yourself.
Hang in there, it sucks to be feeling hurt.
posted by KAS at 5:16 AM on May 30, 2013

I want my bf to think I’m physically "perfect", even if I’m not thin.

And he seems to. Which was the idea behind his very dumb comment. He should not have phrased it that way, but people just tend to say things without drafting them in advance.

But by all accounts, he seems to think you're perfect to him right now - and right now is what really matters here.
posted by heyjude at 5:32 AM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

Your boyfriend said something completely stupid when he meant to say something nice to you.

The rest of it is your insecurity. I'm really, truly fat, but I'm always sensitive to people who feel that they are overweight for them. You know what weight you're comfortable at, and I'll trust you on that.

I'd like to point out that although he said something stupid about your weight, that in reality if he adores you, he adores you, no matter what he thinks he would have liked 20 years ago.

I'd suggest to you that you're beating yourself up over your appearance and reading awful things into innocuous commments.

When Husbunny and I first got together, he said something off the top of his head, "Gosh, I think it's so interesting that you have adipose tissue from the waist down, but not much from the waist up."

So to translate what he said was, "How are you fat on the bottom but not on top?"

I could have had hurt feelings behind it, but really, he was just observing what is absolutely the truth. It took me back for a second, but then I said, "Yeah, it makes buying clothes a real bitch."

Here's the thing. YOU need to feel good about yourself, despite your physical appearance. We are not our bodies. If you felt better about yourself and didn't invest so much of your self-esteem with how you look in a bathing suit, a silly, thoughtless comment like that wouldn't bother you so much.

Be kind to yourself, and forgive your boyfriend his blunder.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:43 AM on May 30, 2013 [3 favorites]

So, it doesn't matter whether or not you're thin.

What DOES matter is that you seem to have serious body image issues, and that's what would make this a dealbreaker for me. I've dated guys who have unthinkingly made weird comments about my decidedly average-sized body, and I didn't really care, but that's because I like my body, and they knew that. Half of this question talks about how unhappy YOU are with your body. If your boyfriend has any inkling of how insecure you feel about your body, and he STILL said this to you - then that sounds like some nasty manipulative garbage to me, and I'd dump him.

Even best-case scenario, it's extremely insensitive. Say you go shopping. I'd bet most of us have a good sense of which friends need sugarcoating when something doesn't look good, and which friends are totally OK with being told that an outfit makes their (fill in body part) look weird. Right? Because we know who has body image stuff, and what people are especially sensitive about. I would hope that your boyfriend would extend you the same courtesy.

I agree with other posters that it's not healthy to expect perfection, or to expect your partner to see you as perfect. But you do feel that way, right or wrong, and if your partner knows how you feel about it, then he needs to be a LOT more sensitive. Five months in, I would call it.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 6:06 AM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

He probably should have kept his mouth shut, but the fact is, it sounds to me like his intentions were good, but his execution (i.e.--what he said) was terrible.

If you feel bad about what he said, it's probably because it validated what you already think about yourself.

This isn't about him and what he said; it's about you and how you see yourself.

If you don't like it, fix it.
posted by PsuDab93 at 6:29 AM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wow, listen, he really hit a nerve with you. When I find that someone has inadvertently really plunged what feels like a knife in me, after dealing with them, I generally also find that I need to look within myself to find out why this is such a hot-button issue.

I have told my spouse that we never would have even dated if we had met younger. This is completely true! So what? On both our parts! Ugh he would never have dated me, we would have hated each other.

He loves you, you're incredibly lucky, he's incredibly lucky, patch yourself up and get back in the game. It seems apparent from his behavior that he knows he's given offense and is working to reassure you. You need to do your own part in taking care of yourself and listening to why you're so upset. You do not, however, need to spend more time processing this with him. How exhausting for both of you.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:46 AM on May 30, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'm hoping that I can offer a slightly different perspective here.

In the first couple of months when I met my boyfriend, it was around Christmas and I'd gained a few pounds. (seriously, like 5 pounds)... I'm 5'4 and weighed 115 when I met him, and 120 when he had a talk with me about it. He basically said that if my weight was going to fluctuate up like that that he wouldn't be happy because he was only sexually attracted to pretty slim bodies.

(the last 2 girlfriends he'd had were very thin when they met and put on weight when they got comfortable... and I'd peeked at pictures, they had gone from very thin to overweight... and he was very paranoid about that happening)

So here are some things that went through my head in the months since... and a few things that I noticed.

- the crazy thing is that he seemed to have an eating disorder type obsession himself, he would literally stuff himself with cake and sweets but then try and control my diet, it was super super weird. An over time he confessed that he had used to have a pudgy stomach and he'd lived on a diet of saltine crackers for months until he finally just had a tummy tuck.... hmmmmm eating disorder much? And his stomach still bothers him, a few months ago when we were on vacation he looked at his stomach in the mirror and got upset and refused to eat any breakfast. So I started to see that it was he that had the problem. And I feel tender to him about it. I feel bad for him that he lives in fear of the fat little people inside us who are dying to get out.

I just ignore him now, who needs that freudian shit!?

Also, if I say that I've gained a few pounds and I'm worried my ass is huge then he takes my word for it and worries about it too. So I don't say anything bad about my weight to him anymore. I will never get validation about my body from him (if I am complaining about it! other times he is VERY complimentary), so I need to not criticize myself for it ESPECIALLY NOT TO HIM!

-the other thing that I thought was that this whole subject is taboo. Men aren't allowed to broach this subject- but I'm so happy that he did. If I hated beards and he started growing one, then we would need to talk about it. Ya know?

-the other thing I did was use this issue to motivate myself to lead a healthier lifestyle... I never hit the gym before, and I ate loads of crap. The reason I was as thin as I was, was because my daily diet used to be a bottle of wine, a frozen pizza, and on my feet all day at work. Now we hit the gym together and prepare healthy and fresh veggie heavy dinners.

And as much as everyone might want to say that my boyfriend is a jerk- he isn't. He's really really kind, and loving. I wouldn't trade him for the world. Our life together is pretty awesome... He is shallow but pretty damn great.

Hope that helps!
posted by misspony at 7:13 AM on May 30, 2013

I think I'm in the "this is probably forgiveable, but I understand why you're hurt" camp.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would have been tempted to reply with, "Well 20 years ago I wouldn't have considered dating you either, because I was 25 and you were 38."

I doubt that kind of remark would have been productive. But ... the one thing I would worry about with this comment is whether he has an attitude of considering himself "superior" to you somehow, like *he's* the great catch and *you* are lucky to be with *him*, and that it never occurred to him that you have other dating options also, and that maybe you overlooked some less-than-perfect things about him (like his age) because overall you think he's great.

But at the end of the day, the reality in any relationship is if you're a good match and love each other, then you're *both* lucky ... I just hope he sees it that way.
posted by Asparagus at 8:09 AM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wow, my reaction is very different from most people's here. Honestly if I were your boyfriend I'd be feeling really impatient with you right now, and would almost certainly break up with you. It sounds like you're saying he's been apologizing for several days and you've been shutting him down? If that were me, I would dump you.

I feel like what your boyfriend said was probably designed to be a rueful, "wasn't I stupid when I was younger, but I am wiser now" intimate moment with you. At worst it was clumsy. You freaking out about that (for days!), if I were dating you, would seriously give me pause. I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who had that kind of serious body image / self esteem issues. And I am very surprised at the people here calling your boyfriend shallow, because to me it's your behaviour (getting really upset over a tiny amount of weight gain, needing your boyfriend to see you as physically perfect) that seems shallow. No offence, but I just really don't see you as the wounded party here, and I find your reaction to what he said really disproportionate and strange.
posted by Susan PG at 8:52 AM on May 30, 2013 [12 favorites]

Okay. So I wrote that quickly and because I felt it was a perspective that is missing from this thread, and now I am kind of regretting it because I think it sounds harsher than I meant it to. I'm sorry.

My point is that I think the problem is not your boyfriend's comment or your actual body. The problem is that we live in a fucked-up culture that has resulted in you --and lots of people, especially women-- having deeply unhealthy ideas about bodies and fat and shame. Some people upthread are arguing for your boyfriend to be especially considerate of your self-esteem issues, and I guess in a perfect world maybe he would walk on eggshells to not trigger body shame in you. Personally I couldn't do that. I have a hard time, for example, when friends of mine want to body-shame themselves and indulge in (what feel to me like) deeply dysfunctional conversations about how some outfit makes their ass look fat or they gained three pounds at Christmas or need to lock up the cookies or whatever nonsense. I have very little patience for that stuff --- I find it kind of narcissistic and I think it perpetuates a diseased culture that hurts everyone, especially women and especially people who are actually fat.

So to recap: I do think the problem is your reaction, because I think it's symptomatic of an unhealthy worldview. And I think the people here who are expressing horror at what he said are also perpetuating unhealthy attitudes. I think the right answer here is for you to try to develop a healthier attitude towards your own body, and a more realistic understanding of what's normal and what really matters. Whether you're a size six should not matter to your boyfriend (and it sounds like it does not), and it shouldn't matter to you either.
posted by Susan PG at 10:00 AM on May 30, 2013 [6 favorites]

Lotta haters here.

He said things ungracefully. He's not the horrible, thoughtless oaf many are making him out to be. He says he loves you deeply, and backs it up with actions, and you've got all this grief over a single comment he made... a comment that did not include the phrase "and no one ever found the body". If you can't get over a single instance of failing in him, that's your decision - but that's a pretty severe standard of behavior.

20 years ago lots of us wouldn't have dated those we find hot today, because our standards have become less shallow with age and experience.

You have very fragile self-esteem, that you are so wounded by a single poorly phrased statement that was as much about his personal growth as your looks. Therapy will help.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:09 AM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

Guys who say stuff like that do the whole "Oh, I didn't mean xyz" but more often than not it's a passive aggressive dig. He resents you for not being thinner.

I'm quoting this because it's basically the exact opposite of what you should think. He was thinking out loud, trying to explain something and it totally came out wrong. He put is foot in his mouth, didn't deny it and said he was sorry.

He thinks you aren't "thin" or at least as thin as the women he dated 20 years ago. You think you are 20 pounts over your ideal weight. You guys basically agree. No one wants to hear their partner say that though, and I think once he realized that he actually said it that way out loud, he probably wanted to smack himself.

I doubt you have went through life without accidently saying something like this. No one is perfect, physically or otherwise. That this has been a problem for days is on you, not him.
posted by spaltavian at 1:01 PM on May 30, 2013 [2 favorites]

Size 6 is not fat!

I'm inclined to agree that he was thinking out loud, and the comment just came out all wrong. (I've certainly said things that sounded a lot better in my head than they did when they came out of my mouth!)
posted by sarcasticah at 5:44 PM on May 30, 2013

Also, if I say that I've gained a few pounds and I'm worried my ass is huge then he takes my word for it and worries about it too.

OMFG, this may not be where misspony was going, but yes.
This is something that doesn't really get discussed in situations like these.

Please (everyone!) recognize that when people worry about [insert body thing], what they are saying can be interpreted in multiple ways:

-perhaps this person is insecure, and needs to be given validation.
-perhaps this person already knows s/he is hawt, and is fishing for compliments
-perhaps this person has a legitimate concern, and would like to be taken seriously about it.
-perhaps they are implying something about me!
-etc.

Maybe it's because I grew up surrounded by military/athletic-y/physical people, but I often just default to that third interpretation. I grew up with people who needed to get their weight under certain guidelines to pass training. Or people who wanted to get fitter because success at their job depended on it. Or people who wanted to be lighter because, apparently, it makes it easier to scale up sheer vertical cliffs when you are trying to make your first K2 summit or something equally insane (props to mountaineers and climbers, but damn!).

Later, I was angrily scolded for "suggesting" that someone was fat and unattractive...because I took her seriously, and thought she wanted to talk about this issue on a literal level.

Now, I try to, um, figure out what is implicitly being said, in the hopes of not coming off as that horrible, insensitive person I apparently am. Or i just avoid the whole conversation, altogether.

So: I would say that if his comments turn into a recurring pattern, then be concerned. But understand that this issue is so fraught that it is very easy to get uncomfortable, make a gaffe, or misinterpret what you are about to respond to, or to say something sincerely that the other person takes very personally, and badly.
posted by vivid postcard at 9:01 PM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

Maybe it's because I grew up surrounded by military/athletic-y/physical people, but I often just default to that third interpretation. I grew up with people who needed to get their weight under certain guidelines to pass training. Or people who wanted to get fitter because success at their job depended on it.

I think it's always safe, when talking about other people's body image issues -- and "I should lose weight" and "I don't like my [body part]" fall under that rubric -- to assume that the person is probably already doing an OK job of self-policing and doesn't need any help on that unless they specifically ask. Even if they are a stoic malboro man who really just wants to lose 10 lbs to climb Mt. Everest faster. They probably aren't personally coming to you for help making them feel like shit. You know?

I don't think I've ever met a person in my entire life who wanted to be shamed more about their looks. I think that's a really bizarre assumption to default to.

I've never really understood why some men have trouble with this.
posted by Sara C. at 9:12 PM on May 30, 2013 [3 favorites]

Individuals in intimate relationships can have straight up, non-shaming conversations about weight and their bodies. People can work with, and talk about their body, in a way that is honest and reflects goals not rooted in their self-identity:

FRIEND A: Aw, man, I've been working hard to lose 5lbs so I can scale the face of El Capitan with my bare hands in the middle of winter.

FRIEND B: Really? Why do you think you need to do that?

FRIEND A: Makes it soooo much easier to drag your tired ass up to the top.

FRIEND B: Cool. How's that going?

FRIEND A: okay so far, I've been working on Training Program Y for a while, but I'm getting kind of bored with it.

FRIEND B: wanna come to Pilates with me to mix things up for a bit?

FRIEND A: YES!

Insensitive comments about weight can frequently be made, but sometimes those comments are not intentional. People do come from different backgrounds that may influence how they interpret comments such as this, or they know that differences are there, and choke trying to say what they think will be nice.

Sensitivity is required, but I think it is also good to recognize that people
make mistakes, or read things very differently from others; kind of like how it was assumed that I am a man.

If he is sincerely apologetic, and never says anything dumb like this again, why not give him the benefit of the doubt? The OP absolutely can feel bad and walk away -let's support her choice- or maybe this can be something that they can use to learn about how the other feels about conversations like these.
posted by vivid postcard at 10:09 PM on May 30, 2013

I think he was trying to say that when he was young he only wanted to date long-legged, blond, super-model-thin, double-D-boobs babes but now that he's grown up he's delighted to be with a real woman. I think the "thin" stuff only came in because that's what you were going on about - trying to get him to tell you you're thin enough. That's pretty much what he meant, but he didn't word it just right.

I think you should be glad you have a man who loves you enough to stumble all over himself trying to make up for saying something backwards from what he meant.
posted by aryma at 11:44 PM on May 30, 2013

He put his foot in his mouth, but unless he makes a habit of saying ass-y things, forgive him.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 11:46 PM on May 30, 2013